The Horrors of Inappropriate Amounts of Lotion

by Ebola-chan Ganbatte

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 1206

Spike has soft claws, and Twilight doesn't approve.

Spike has found the wonders of proper moisturization. Unfortunately for him, Twilight doesn't approve.

Written for the Soft Hands Contest

Published 2016-07-28 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-28 04:50:01 UTC

The Story No One Was Waiting For

Twilight was backed into a corner. Her wings pressed firmly against the wall, her forehooves outstretched, and her face contorted in horror. “Stay back!” she yelled with a wince.

Across from her stood Spike, claws outstretched, and a confused expression on his face. “What?” He took a step towards her.

“Stay back!” she yelled again.

Spike jumped at her exclamation. When he landed, he looked to see Twilight cowering in fear. “You wanted a back rub, right?” He dropped his claws to his hips.

“Don’t come any closer!” She dropped to her haunches, shaking.

“What’s gotten into you?” He asked when she peeked from behind her forelegs. Spike moved his claw in her direction, and she dipped back behind. When he brought his claw back to his hip, she peeked out again. He looked down at his claw, and the picture to what the issue was began to form. He pointed at Twilight, and she winced. He put his claw behind his back, and she relaxed.

“Is it my claws?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Twilight gave a tentative nod.

“I’ve always given you a back rub with my claws.”He scratched his cheek. “Why are you freaking out?”

She shot out an accusatory hoof. “Those things are not what you gave me a back rub with before!” she shrieked.

Suddenly a knock came from the door before it opened. “What’s going on in here?” Starlight Glimmer asked, peeking around the door.

“Twilight’s freaking out over my claws.”

“Those are not claws!” she corrected. When Spike turned to look at her, she flung a book across the room with her magic to whack his claws. “Those are far too soft to be claws!”

Starlight raised an eyebrow at Twilight, only finding her to be dead serious. She snickered. “What?”

“He did something to his claws that made them soft!”

Spike rubbed the back of his hand where Twilight whacked him. “I used some lotion Starlight gave me.”

Her eyes and mouth widened with horror. “You? You did this?”

Starlight looked around the room before shrugging. “Yeah?”

“I brought you into my home, forgave you for ruining the entire world, and made you my student, and this is how you repay me? By giving my dragon soft hands?” Her eyes narrowed as she spoke until they were focused like beams at Starlight.

“It’s just lotion,” Starlight muttered as she took a step back behind the still open door.

“Starlight said my claws were a little rough, so she gave me some lotion to soften them up.” Spike took a step towards Twilight but found himself threatened with a raised book. “It’s no big deal, Twilight.”

“No big deal?” she asked, rhetorically. Her eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them. “No big deal?” she asked again, but loud enough to shake the crystalline walls of her room.

“It’s just some soft hands, Twilight,” Spike muttered.

“I’ve had that little dragon rubbing my back with those hard, callus, painful claws for years, and now that his hands aren’t hard and painful, it doesn’t feel right.” She sucked in a furious breath through her teeth. “In fact, it feels like overcooked noodles wiggling on my fur!”

Starlight snickered again.

“And I guess I’ll have to fix your mistakes yet again, Starlight.” Twilight growled as she stormed past her pupil.

“She’s overreacting.”

“You should have seen her when I had my spikes styled,” Spike waved his now soft claw dismissively. “She’ll be over this in no time.”

Spike thought Twilight would have been over this in a day or so, but Spike was wrong. As he slept, Twilight crept up to his basket with a mischievous grin on her face. Suddenly, her horn lit up, and a loud crack broke the silence of the night, followed swiftly by some obscene tearing. Then, Twilight slipped out of the bedroom, and in the cover of the night, she went into the basement.

A light flicked on overhead, and hovering in her magic was Spike’s hands ripped not-so-cleanly from his body. Her eyes darted to the menacing machine standing idly in the corner. She giggled, which turned to laughter, and then hysterics as she flipped a switch on the belt sander.

She pressed Spike’s precious soft claws to the roaring sandpaper with chunks of dragon scales peeling away. But as swiftly as the scales peeled, Twilight’s magic grew them back—harder and more durable than before.

Suddenly the door to the basement opened, and Twilight’s head snapped in the direction of the light spilling down from upstairs. Standing in the doorway was Starlight sleepily wiping her eyes with her hoof. “Twilight?” she asked, innocently. “What are you—”

“Starlight?” Twilight gasped.

“Are those Spike’s—”

“No!” Twilight looked back at the hands to see bone showing. “Maybe,” she corrected.

“Yes?” Starlight asked.

Twilight sighed. “Yes.”

Starlight shook her head. “Twilight, you shouldn’t rip Spike’s hands off his body and grind them on a belt sander.”

Twilight stamped her back hoof. “I know!” She glanced over to roll Spike’s hands onto the other side for grinding. “It’s just his hands were so…soft!” she shuddered.

“That was really bothering you, wasn’t it.”

“So much!” Her whole body shook just picturing those hands on her, and soon the ghost feeling of wet noodles snaking through her fur tormented her. “I just want my old dragon back rubs back.”

She shifted her weight to lean against the doorframe. “Well, did you talk to Spike about it?”

Twilight looked down at the floor. “No,” she said with a sigh.

“Maybe you should have done that instead of stealing his hands to mutilate.” She pointed at the belt sander.

Twilight glanced back at the ever-healing hands, and rotated them once more. “Probably, but there wasn’t any way to get his hands back to their prime without some extreme measures.”

“I guess this probably is the best way to get them hard again.” She covered her mouth as she laughed. “I mean, he’d be screaming his head off unless you knocked him out with a sleeping spell like you did tonight.”

Twilight waved her hoof dismissively. “No, he’s just a really heavy sleeper.”

Starlight blinked. “Won’t be bleed out though?”

“If he’s got as much blood in him as some of his…other fluids…he’ll be fine.” Twilight laughed herself. “I’m sorry I got upset at you over giving Spike some lotion, Starlight.”

“It’s okay,” she said with a smile. “I guess I should have asked you before giving your dragon something weird.”

“It’s fine. I’ll just have to dump out the rest of it so this doesn’t happen again.”

Starlight nodded. “I’ll go take care of that while you finish up here.”

“Thanks, Starlight. You’re a good friend.”

The next morning Spike rubbed his head, but something was off. His hands felt hard, and stiff. The bed around him was also damp with something. He cracked open his eyes, feeling light-headed and his vision was blurry. When it all came into focus, he saw a puddle of red around him. “What the—”

He looked at his hands to see them horribly grotesque, twisted, and scarred. “Twilight!” he yelled.

Author's Note

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