"Blue Streak and Princess Fuzzdiamonds Destroy Lameness!"
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"Blue Streak and Princess Fuzzdiamonds Destroy Lameness!"
Rarity sat at a work table inside Carousel Boutique, her hooves guiding a length of pretty pink fabric beneath a sewing machine. She hummed to herself, occasionally reaching a dainty hoof up to adjust her sparkly-rimmed glasses as she focused on her task.
Far behind her, a soft fuzzy figure shuffled into the room. Sweetie Belle levitated a book ten inches from her nose with elementary magic. “... mmmm... mmmmhmmm.... And with a super awesome clash of thunder, Blue Streak flew into the room. All of Meat Hoof's thugs gasped in fright. They could see their frightened expressions reflected in her glinting eyes. Smoke rippled off her strong wings and lightning flickered against the dead of night...”
“Sweetie Belle...” Rarity hummed, chiding without so much as turning her head from her work. “Do take your homework into the other room, darling.”
“This isn't homework,” Sweetie said, eyes locked on the book in her grasp. “It's a story I found today.”
“Well, whatever it is you're reading...” Rarity waved a hoof blindly, then adjusted the fabric in her grasp. “...I'm certain it can be perused elsewhere... and not out loud.”
“It's about a mare called 'Blue Streak,'” Sweetie Belle continued, undaunted. She trotted and trotted in circles. “She's the bravest, most awesome crime fighter in all of Equestria, and she's just now about to save Princess Fuzzdiamonds from the evil mob boss Meat Hoof and his mangy guards.”
Rarity sighed breathily. “They certainly don't work hard on pulp fiction these days...”
Sweetie Belle shuffled to a stop, eyes widening. “Whoah...” She continued reading: “'Oh! Oh my, Blue Streak!' Princess Fuzzdiamonds tossed her purple mane in the night and grinned her pearly whites. Her eyes dazzled as she gazed upon her valiant hero from where she lay shackled to a table beneath a dangling buzz saw. 'You've come for me, darling! Oh, whatever would I do in this dreadful lumber mill if it weren't for you, my love!'”
“Sweetie Belle...” Rarity groaned. “Honestly! Is your head full of fabric softener or—?” But then Rarity froze. She switched her sewing machine off and turned around, lips pursed. “Wait... did she just say 'darling?'”
“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle grinned. “It's like Princess Fuzzdiamonds' favorite word!”
Rarity's eyes flicked to the left... then to the right. Clearing her throat, she leaned forward and murmured: “Just... where exactly did you find this book?”
“On the side of the road!” Spike said, waddling up to his tiny throne and plopping down with the book in his claws. “It was on the way home from school! Sweetie Belle says that it was spread out, open, face down. Heh... if it had rained overnight, the pages would have gotten muddy!”
“I don't see anything on its bindings,” Starlight Glimmer said, craning her neck to peer over the map of Equestria. “Who's it written by?”
“That's just it! Sweetie Belle said she didn't know!” Spike remarked.
“Hmmmm...” Twilight Sparkle leaned off the edge of her throne, positively sniffing at the book. “Doesn't look like anything from my library.”
“There's a reason for that!” Spike smirked, pointing at the pages. “It's freshly hoofwritten.”
“Hoofwritten?” Starlight Glimmer exchanged blinking expressions with Twilight Sparkle. “You mean... like a journal?”
“Nah! It's a crime fighting drama! Here! Listen!” Spike cleared his throat and held the book up to his snout, grinning the entire while. “'Never fret, gal!' Blue Streak said, grinning devilishly across the lumber mill at where Fuzzdiamonds' delicate unicorn features were shackled. 'Your powdery butt is safe so long as I'm around!' 'But Blue Streak, darling! Meat Hoof is planning to activate his dreadful Lame Ray!'”
“'Mwahahaha! That's right, Blue Streak!' Meat Hoof cackled.” Applejack paused to snicker. “'You're far too late!'”
She leaned against the rickety fence bordering Sweet Apple Acres while Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, and Big Mac stood nearby, listening intently. Several half-empty buckets of apples lay along the wayside.
“'With the chaos energies tapped from the center of the hollow earth, I will fire my Lame Ray across the surface of Equestria, effectively weakening everypony so that my ruthless thugs can rob them without resistance! I'll be the richest horse on the planet by sunrise!'”
Applejack's emerald eyes sparkled. She looked up with a grin. “Now this here's my favorite part.”
“Oooh!” Granny Smith bore a wrinkled smile. "Hallelujah!"
“What are ya waitin' for?!” Apple Bloom hopped in place. “Read on! Read on!”
“Ah-ah-ahem...” Applejack's freckles showed as she continued through the open pages before her. “But Blue Streak merely scoffed at the ugly-maned mob boss. 'You're a stupid idiot, Meat Hoof! Your plan will never work! That's because everypony is already lame compared to me and my awesomeness!'”
“Ohhhhhhhhh goddess.” Apple Bloom facehoofed.
Big Macintosh chuckled, eyes rolling. “Eeyuppppp.”
“I've written better dialogue in my sleep!” Granny Smith lisped. “And used my own drool for ink!”
“Shhh! It gets better!” Applejack flipped a page. “And that's when Blue Streak cartwheeled across the room, kicked off the wall, and suplexed the nearest thug through a splintery workbench!”
“WHAMMMM!” Pinkie Pie jumped atop her stool, surrounded by gawking ponies inside Sugarcube Corner. “Planks flew everywhere! Also bloody teeth! It was awesome!”
“Oooooh!” Scootaloo grinned, wingtips fluttering.
Fluttershy winced from where she stood. “Uhm... do you really need to make the sound effects, Pinkie?”
“Of course!” Pinkie smiled wide, eyes blinking happily. She waved the book in her grasp and pointed at the big bold pen strokes. “It's right there! See!”
“My my, how very plebeian,” Zecora remarked. “Just who uses sound effects in a literary medium?”
“Shhhhh! This is the climax!” Pinkie stood up tall and continued to read to everypony in the room. “'Stop her!' Meat Hoof hollered, gesturing at his thugs. 'You can't let her save Princess Fuzzdiamonds! Only their combined hotness can dismantle the Lame Ray!'”
The patrons snickered, smiling with amusement as Pinkie flipped a page and read aloud:
“Growling, an entire herd of thugs galloped straight for Blue Streak. Blue Streak merely laughed at them, then took off in a flash of wings. Swoooosh! Before the thugs knew it, she was diving and darting between them, smacking their knees with two-by-fours, metal clubs, and everything else she could get her speedy hooves on from around the lumber mill! In ten seconds flat, all of Meat Hoof's cronies had fallen to the ground, groaning.”
“Awwwwww...” Scootaloo pouted. “You call that an action scene? Pfft... talk about short!”
“Well...” Fluttershy glanced aside. “There's still Meat Hoof.”
“Oooh!” Scootaloo bounced in place, beaming. “Boss fight!”
“'Look out behind you, Blue Streak, my love!' Princess Fuzzdiamonds shouted.'” Princess Luna read.
Princess Celestia sat on a pile of cushions across the palace room from her. She calmly sipped tea while her regal sibling read on:
“Blue Streak turned around. Meat Hoof was galloping straight for her like a runaway freight train. That's when Blue Streak did something awesome.”
“Hmmmm...” Celestia's lips curved slightly. She took another sip. “I detect a pattern here...”
Luna flipped a page. “She galloped up the wall, dodged Meat Hoof's headbutting figure, then threw her leg out at a sharp angle. 'Hiyaaaaaaaaa!' she shouted. And with a resounding SMACK, she kicked loose a metal brace holding a pile of lumber in place. The mill filled with thunder, echoing the dark and stormy night outside. Meat Hoof was caught off guard. By the time he could finally turn around, he saw several oaken logs tumbling his way. His eyes widened, and he managed to shout 'Mother!' before...”
Silence.
Celestia arched an eyebrow. She lowered her teacup and saucer.
Standing by the doors, royal guards leaned forward, jaws agape as they nearly lost grip of their spears.
“... … ...” Luna calmly flipped a page. “Ahem... Before the chunks of wood clobbered him. Hard. And Meat Hoof was suffocated in whimpers and wood chips.”
Celestia and the guards leaned back, sighing with relief.
“'Boooo-yaaaaaaa!' Blue Streak shouted, striking a cool pose as lighting rippled in the background. 'You thought you could rule the world with a Lame Ray, Meat Hoof! But you just earned yourself a Bad Day... in Prison!' A resounding gasp echoed from across the room. 'Oh, Blue Streak, darling!' Curled lashes batted above painted lids. Princess Fuzzdiamonds cooed, 'Smashing! Absolutely smashing!' Blue Streak spun around with a wink. 'Put a ribbon on that and tie it.' 'I think I will, my most dashing hero.'”
“'Dashing,' huh?” Soarin' smirked.
“Shhhh!” Fleetfoot hissed from across the table inside the Wonderbolts' lofty mess hall. She leaned forward, jaw agape. “Please... go on...”
“Oh. Believe me. I will.” Spitfire smiled, flipping to the next page. Reclining in her chair, she casually read from the page before her: “'But Blue Streak! The Lame Ray!' Princess Fuzzdiamonds bellowed in distress, fighting against her restraints. 'If we don't do something about it, the evil magic stuff will hit quarter-life and cause meltdown!' 'Well, we'd better do something about that, shouldn't we?' Blue Streak said, wagging her eyebrows. 'Oh Blue Streak, you silly devil,' Fuzzdiamonds hummed, her powdery-white cheeks blushing like freshly-plucked cherries. 'But I fear that... our mutual passion lacks the necessary heat to accomplish such a noble goal, darling.' 'Then let us do something about that,' Blue Streak purred, shuffling closer as she tossed her prismatic mane in the nightly breeze.”
“Pfffft!” Soarin' nearly pratfalled. “Did they actually write 'prismatic?!'”
“Yes...” Spitfire raised her goggles and smirked. “She did.” She looked down at the open book again. “'Oh baby, you're like a pile of white roses,' Blue Streak hummed, embracing Fuzzdiamonds with her wings, caressing her curly purple tresses with her awesome feathers. 'Care for a thorn?' 'But Blue Streak!' Fuzzdiamonds playfully protested, whimpering against Blue Streak's wandering, playful lips. 'What of the restraints?' 'They'll help, don't you think?' Blue Streak nibbled on the faintest hairs of Fuzzdiamond's ears. 'Come on, Bae. For Equestria.' 'Oh Blue Streak... my love... you're so awesome, darlinggggg.'
The Wonderbolts' cafeteria suddenly echoed with a loud clatter.
Spitfire and several other fliers looked over at a rookie in her blue jumpsuit.
“... … ...” Rainbow Dash teetered before a spilled tray of food, eyes wide as saucers... and twitching. Her ears stood up straight, still registering the horror that had filled them the moment she first entered the room.
Spitfire, Soarin', and Fleetfoot exchanged glances. The three of them collectively leaned forward while Spitfire waved the book around. “Helllllllllo, Darliiiing.”
And the room filled with snickers and giggles.
Days later...
Late at night...
Rainbow Dash sat alone at a table in the furthest corner of Sugarcube Corner. Dim lighting fell on her figure as she remained slumped over, her head locked in her forelimbs. Two empty cider mugs and a half-eaten plate of doughnuts lay on the table before her.
Silence.
Stillness.
And then...
The front door opened to a night's sky.
A soft, delicate figure trotted in, wearing a scarf and two saddlebags.
Rarity shuffled quietly to the table, humming to herself.
Rainbow Dash didn't so much as look up.
Rarity reached the table. She cleared her throat, pulled her saddlebags off, and laid them gently on the nearby seat.
Rainbow was dead still.
Rarity scooted into the seat next to her. Her muzzle was just two degrees above a smile. With soft telekinesis, she peeled her scarf off, then proceeded to fold it neatly beside her.
One of Rainbow's ears twitched... then was still.
At last, Rarity got comfortable. She lifted a doughnut off the plate with her magic, brought it to her dainty lips, and took an even daintier nibble. The elegant munched and munched and munched... then swallowed.
Her lips curved slyly. “I rather liked the part about the 'white roses.'”
“Mrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmffff...” Rainbow Dash moaned into her fetlocks.
Rarity took another tiny bite of the doughnut, swallowed, and said: “The restraints were... creative.” She hummed inwardly. “The part where Princess Fuzzdiamonds is coerced into ecstatically yelling Blue Streak's name, however... was a tad bit hyperbolic. But... still...” Her eyelashes fluttered. “Quite erotic on a primal level, I suppose.”
“Grnnnnnnnnnghhhhh...”
Rarity placed the doughnut down, lifted a napkin, and dabbed her lips. “I suppose an apology is in order... not just for the discovery Sweetie Belle made, but for the proliferation... of which I was sadly incapable of preventing.”
“What does it matter at this point...?” Rainbow muttered, refusing to lift her face.
“I've simply one question to ask... darling.”
Rainbow winced hard.
Rarity merely smiled. “Why me?”
“... … …?” A ruby eye peeked out from beneath Rainbow's forelimbs. The color of her muzzle matched her pupils right then.
“Why not... base her on somepony else?” Rarity fluffed her mane, and leaned back with a patient gaze. “Fluttershy, for instance. You've known her for far longer than me, and she's the very epitome of a wilting violet.” A painted wink. “Perhaps Blue Streak may someday cross paths with... a Duchess Goldfeathers?”
“Grnnngh...” Rainbow Dash hugged herself. “I dunno, okay? I just... I dunno!”
Rarity cocked her head to the side.
“You're just... like... the perfect princessy mare worth saving, y'know?” Rainbow Dash said.
“Am I, now?”
“N-not that there's anything lame about that!” Rainbow sputtered.
“I would certainly hope not.” Rarity leaned her chin forward, resting it against a hoof as she smiled. “How else would Meat Hoof's terrible weapon have been dismantled?”
“Rarity...”
“Hmm-hmm-hmmm...” Rarity chuckled breathily. “Do forgive me, darling. I'll let you speak your mind.”
“My head's got nothing to do with it,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “I was as big an idiot for writing that crap as I was for... mrmmmff... losing track of where I last left it.”
“I do believe we put far too much thought into things, darling,” Rarity said.
At the pronunciation of that last word, Rainbow suffered a visible shiver through her spine.
Naturally, Rarity saw it. “Just... what precisely makes Fuzzdiamonds... makes me so 'princessy' and 'worthy saving?'”
“Just... y'know...” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I dunno...”
“You've certainly got Ernest Hemingwhinny on the run by now, my dear.”
“Dang it, Rarity! You're super hot, okay?!” Rainbow blurted.
Rarity blinked.
“Y'know... just... like... really fabulous and smooth and... girly.” Rainbow Dash cleared her cracking throat. “Makes me... makes me feel girlier to be around you... or something... I guess...”
“Is that really the word you're looking for?”
Rainbow Dash opened her muzzle, hesitated, then sighed. “... … ...I feel something special when you're around. As in... there's something special... a gift, Rarity... a gift that's worth protecting. Like in all the comics n'stuff, y'know? When heroes kick bad guy butt and save the girl? It's kinda like winning a gift in the end and everypony's happy.” She gulped. “I guess I just... k-kinda daydreamed about doing awesome stuff like that and saving the day... and b-being gifted you. And ever since Tirek got thrown in the slammer... it feels like things have gotten boring around here. And I felt horrible... like I wanted cruddy things to happen just so I could do something heroic and... and...” Rainbow Dash face-hoofed again. “Goddess... buck my life...”
Rarity folded her forelimbs. “So you wrote your little fantasy down... so you'd funnel the energies somewhere...?”
Rainbow gulped. “I love Daring Do books. So I figured... 'Why not write my own story and make it fun and awesome!'” A sigh. “I guess I went a bit overboard.”
“No, you never thought that your precious, sacred wordsmithery would be discovered by other ponies,” Rarity said. “Or by the inspiration for... hmmmm... Princess Fuzzdiamonds herself.”
“Rarity...” Rainbow Dash gulped hard. “I... I want to be your friend. Like we've always been. Please... for realsies... c-can we just forget that this ever happened? I already hate myself enough as it is.”
“Now why should somepony so loyal and so dependable hate herself?” Rarity asked gently.
“Because... because I'm a total friggin' idiot,” Rainbow Dash muttered.
“Mmmm... no. Not from this angle, you're not.” Rarity brushed her bangs back and smiled. “But rather... I think I see a dashing hero who's long due for her reward.”
Rainbow blinked. She squinted curiously at the mare.
“I do believe your story ended rather abruptly... and it could use a few—let's say—grammatical alterations. Like a slightly uneven skirt. It's almost perfect... but in desperate need of... a girly touch.” That said, Rarity levitated a journal out of her saddlebags and produced a pen. “Now... Blue Streak and Princess Fuzzdiamonds have been through a lot. All of that danger could potentially lead to trauma.” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “What say they both enjoy an extended vacation?”
Rainbow blinked. “That's... kind of silly, don't you think?”
“Oh?”
“I mean... Blue Streak's a hero.” Rainbow Dash gulped. “She's got lots of heroic adventures to go on. And Fuzzdiamonds—uhm...” She fumbled for words.
“Alright then.” Rarity scribbled a few words. “A vacation right after their most recent debacle with Meat Hoof is a tad bit too extreme. I suppose, then, it's better that they start sweet and simple... something that won't complicate Fuzzdiamonds' rule nor interrupt Blue Streak's noble flight schedule.” She dotted the end of a sentence and looked up with a tiny smile. “Perhaps... a dinner date would be in order?”
Rainbow's muzzle hung agape.
Rarity stared back, calm and elegant.
Rainbow gulped. “Yeah...” Her wingtips fluttered as her voice cracked, “That... that would be cool.”
“And perhaps... just perhaps... if Blue Streak is willing...” Rarity fluffed her mane again, allowing her perfume to waft between them. “...Princess Fuzzdiamonds will show her dashing hero how to properly dress for the occasion. And they can both feel precious together.”
Rainbow Dash fidgeted where she sat. She hung her head, blushing through a tender smile. “Hmmm-mmm...”
“What do you think of that, darling?”
“Sounds pretty awesome, actually.”
Rarity giggled airily. “First and most important step, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity began writing the next sentence. “It's time to learn some new words.”
