“The order of Her Resplendent Lady’s Eternal Dawn hereby finds the accused guilty of willing fiscal malfeasance.”
The shackles that bound Jet Set’s forehooves behind his back were a size too small. Metal dug into his flesh, and pain flared around his wrists like an acetylene torch. Scraping his chin against the stone floor, Jet Set dragged his head upward and stared at the inquisitor.
“Bullshit,” the unicorn snarled. “I didn’t do anything illegal. I demand-”
The inquisitor reached down with a gauntlet-covered hoof and slapped Jet Set across the face. Hard. The unicorn’s glasses skittered across the ground, and his vision blurred as a salty, bitter taste trickled into his mouth.
“ ‘He who has a soiled mouth need savor scarlet mud; suffer not a coarser word without a tongue in blood. -Terce, 6:4.’ Will you procure the proof of your sin, apostate? Or need I strike again?”
Jet Set groaned and spat onto the floor. Crimson dribbled out of his mouth, staining his saliva with a faintly reddish hue. “Satisfied?”
“It is for The Light to determine your ultimate redemption or damnation.” The inquisitor’s mustache twitched as his expression hardened into concern. “But there is self-dissatisfaction in your soul, is there not?”
“What, you mean for getting dragged out of bed in the middle of the night? Yeah, I should have seen that coming. Obviously. I’m such a rube, right? Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Your words have soured. Your expressions have grown more frank. Your temperament has grown unsubtle and crass. This lack of composure stems from inner turmoil, and such inner turmoil could not have blossomed from an innocent heart.”
“Bu...look.” Jet Set sighed. “It’s hard to be civil like this, okay? If I don’t normally curse, it’s because I’m not typically being hauled off in the middle of the night to share a heart-to-heart with a pack of robed fanatics.”
“ ‘As is the speaker, so is the speech. Let justifications come from he who believes himself noble, and let self-absolving come from he who believes himself holy; but only he who has truly given himself to Our Sacred Flame will speak the words of untainted truth and uncorrupted valor. For his are the words of The Light, and like a beacon they shall shine upon us all. -Vespers, 9:13.’ ”
Around him, a chorus of hooded figures traced circles in the air with their forehooves, chanting as one. “May The Light shine upon us all.”
The inquisitor fixed his watery blue eyes on Jet Set; beneath a bushy taupe beard, his mouth spread into a patient smile. “The order of Her Resplendent Lady’s Eternal Dawn hereby finds the accused guilty of willing fiscal malfeasance. Do you wish to confess your sins?”
“Sins? You want to talk about sins? Because i’m sure that abduction and threatening other ponies is worse than expanding my business.” Jet Set struggled against the thick iron chains that bound his hind legs together, hoping they would give even half of an inch.
They didn’t.
“Our humble work demands neither glory nor adulation from the common folk it serves. The righteousness of our cause sustains us through the darkest of nights, and the purity of our souls protects us from the iniquities of the wretched.” The inquisitor reached up and adjusted his brooch: a gilded sun, which gleamed ominously in the flickering torchlight of the Canterlot basilica.
“Iniquity? I’ve done nothing illegal. Nothing. Go down to a police station, or city hall, or Canterlot Castle or whatever you want. Look it up. Compared to this-”
“Above the laws of ponies are the laws of the divine. Our Lady of Sunlight-”
“-Helped draft and ratify the laws of Equestria. They are literally her laws.”
“ ‘Let not the laws of paper supersede the laws of spirit. Let harmony be your shield, and it shall defy the darkness with its holy embrace. Let absolution be your sword, and it shall cast evil into oblivion and ash. -Vespers, 8:10.’ The will of Her Sacred Flame is clear, is it not?”
“She never said those words. You and your whole troupe of liars-”
Thunk.
Jet Set groaned. More red dribbled from between his lips and dotted the stones below. The inquisitor flexed his mailed hoof and stared impassively down at the unicorn.
“...You and your fellow inquisitors. Righteous sentinels in defense of the...the sun,” Jet Set corrected. “Listen, all I did was acquire new property. I’ve always wanted to own a cafe, okay? This wasn’t just for financial reasons. I was given a chance to fulfill a childhood dream and acquire prime real estate on Starswirl Boulevard, and you have the gall to act like there was anypony in the world who wouldn’t have done what I did?” Jet Set coughed. “We live in a free market society. We’re supposed to do things like this.”
“It is righteous to spread rumors that your neighbor’s business is infested with rats?”
“Gossip is free. Look, I’m not even a rhetorician, okay? If Special Blend couldn’t adequately defend himself against the accusations, there was something suspect about his cafe in the first place.”
“Is it innocent to bribe the ratcatcher to give you rats? Is it virtuous to break into his livelihood after hours? Is it moral to place those deceased rats in rat traps, and discreetly seed those through his kitchenette and dining area?”
“That’s a pretty nasty accusation. Can you even prove any of that happened?”
“Is it noble to call the health inspector in the following morning, file a formal complaint against Brother Special Blend, and ensure that his business has multiple health code violations filed against him, forcing the closure of his investiture?”
“How clever of you. Congratulations on taking a concerned civilian’s complaint and accusing it of duplicity. I gossiped, sure, but you can’t seriously charge me with...wait.” Jet Set blinked. “...’Brother’ Special Blend?”
The Inquisitor’s smile was warm, but utterly lacked in kindness. “Brother, you may elucidate.”
One of the hooded ponies stepped forward and lowered his hood.
His face was horrifyingly familiar: same rounded face and faint double chin, same thick lips and caramel irises and full head of sleek, cream-colored mane. But the picture of his eyes and mouth was superficially kindly at best, and only barely masked a rich cocktail of contempt and zeal.
“Hello, neighbor,” Special Blend drawled. “It’s nice to see you again.”
For a second, Jet Set’s jaw went slack. “Blendy…”
“It wasn’t a very nice thing to do, Jet Set.” There was a musical lilt in Special Blend’s voice, as if his words were part of a simple song. “Were I not an enlightened pony, i might have been lost to wrath or despondency. But through the grace of Her Benevolent Light, I have found a higher purpose, and through it I absolve the faithless of their transgressions.”
“This is insane. You can’t seriously have changed just because-”
“I came into The Light of my own volition, neighbor. I have kept Her at my side for months, and She has guided me in all things, and showed the true nature of transgressions to me. And months later, in my hour of loss and confusion, She has rewarded my faith with insight into the darker places of the hearts of ponies.”
“I can’t believe it. You always looked sane, Special Blend. I swear you did.”
“My mind is clear, neighbor. It is your heart, wracked with avarice and spite, which causes you to doubt the clarity of other’s thoughts.”
“That isn’t true. It really isn’t.” Jet Set coughed. “And what do you mean by ‘rewarded your faith?’ The princesses don’t even recognize your existence, there’s no way somepony could have-”
Like a tumbler sliding into place in a lock, something in Jet Set’s brain clicked. For the first time that day, genuine horror crept into his face.
“I have searched through sacred tomes and opened my mind to greater understanding,” Special Blend replied. “And through my devotion and perseverance, I have been gifted with the will of The Light itself, and it has endowed me with miracles no mortal pony might otherwise achieve.”
“No. No, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. They don’t seriously teach you dark magic here, Blendy. You’re joking. Please tell me you’re joking.”
“It is not dark magic we wield,” the inquisitor intoned. “They are miracles. They are gifts from the light above, and-”
“Shut up. Shut up! Why are you doing this to me? I don’t deserve it, I don’t-”
Thunk.
Blood trickled out of Jet Set’s nose. The unicorn fell silent.
“The order of Her Resplendent Lady’s Eternal Dawn hereby finds the accused guilty of willing fiscal malfeasance.”, The inquisitor repeated. “Do you wish to confess your sins?”
“I...I’m sorry,” Jet Set mumbled. “I shouldn’t have cheated you out of your business, Blendy. Please let me go. Please.”
The inquisitor smiled. “Behold, brothers. A wayward soul has stepped toward The Light.”
Around him, the hooded figures traced circles in the air. “May The Light shine upon us all.”
“Accused foal, Our Lady of Sunlight has heard your confession, and has deemed it good.” The inquisitor adjusted his brooch. “As you are blessed by the warmth of Her light, so too will it sear your sins; but through this tribulation shall you be redeemed.”
“Through this tribulation shall you be redeemed,” the hooded chorus echoed.
Jet Set sighed. “Okay. Sure. What do I need to do?”
The inquisitor cleared his throat. “The first sin: the accused had taken possessions which belonged rightfully to a brother of the inquisition and a child of The Light. As such, his theft shall be undone, and the possessions returned to their rightful owner. So sayeth Our Lady.”
“So sayeth Our Lady,” the brotherhood echoed.
“Return his stuff. Got it. I already said I was going to do that, anyway. Anything else?”
“The second sin: The accused, in his avarice, has strayed from the Light. Though he professes to seek the Light of his own volition, truth is meaningless without demonstration. As such, he shall be cast into darkness, to remain until the Light breaks upon him once more.”
“Wait, what? Where are you taking me?”
“There are catacombs beneath these blessed halls, all but forgotten to those whom The Light has not been revealed. An exit still remains, and with it shall be a path to The Light. Should you retain the courage and tenacity to wander through the darkness until you find this path, then you shall deserve redemption.”
“Lovely. Absolutely lovely. Are you at least going to take these chains off of me, first?”
The inquisitor’s eyes twinkled. “Of course.”
“Do I get to bring anything with me? Food, water, a flashlight, a compass…?”
“ ‘And they went into the dark unafraid, for She was with them; and they did not want for sustenance, for She gave them vigor; and they were not lost, for She guided them, until the darkness that had besieged them was no more. -Matins, 5:22.' "
“I’m guessing that means no. Great. Could you at least tell my wife what happened to me?”
Silence.
“Fine. I might as well get this over with. Unchain me and-”
“The third sin: The accused has debased the character of the righteous.”
Jet Set’s eyes widened. “Huh?”
“For his willingness to humiliate the virtuous and pure, he shall know humility; his flesh shall be twisted, and he shall be made to crawl, that he might better know his place beneath Her Resplendent Glory.” The inquisitor raised his mailed hoof into the air, where it glowed a brilliant white.
“What are you doing? Don’t-”
Agony coursed through Jet Set’s forehooves. Body convulsing, the unicorn shrieked with pain, struggling vainly against his chains.
The inquisitor lowered his hoof. “You may unbind him, brothers.”
Bile filled Jet Set’s mouth as he felt the shackles fall off of his legs. Still reeling, he rolled over, tried to push himself upright-
-And fell flat on his face.
“Behold, brothers,” The inquisitor intoned, “how the apostate is rendered humble.”
Jet Set tried again to pull himself upright; again, he failed. Blood smeared against the stones beneath him as he bashed his snout against the floor. Groaning, Jet Set tried to pull his hooves in front of his face.
He failed.
Because they weren’t hooves anymore.
“What in Equestria…?” Jet Set whispered.
The inquisitor has ruined his forehooves. Crippled them. Twisted them. Half of each hoof remained; the other halves had splintered into spindly husks, segmented twigs separated by gaping, bloodless holes.
Trembling, Jet Set brought them in front of his eyes. One tendril drooped weakly onto his forehead. It was plush, pillowy. Softer than a baby’s skin. Natal, almost.
Useless. Utterly useless.
“As you are blessed by the warmth of Her light, so too will it sear your sins; but through this tribulation shall you be redeemed.” The inquisitor smiled once more. “Fear not, wayward child. You will have plenty of time in the darkness to grow accustomed to this manifestation of your sins.”
“My…? No. No no no no no. Please. Please, you can’t send me out like this!” Jet Set kicked against stone with his hind legs, pushing himself inch after labored inch across the floor. “I’ll starve to death!”
The inquisitor raised his mailed hoof. “And they went into the dark unafraid, for She was with them…”
“I can’t move! How do you expect me to find an exit if I can’t even walk?”
The inquisitor’s hoof shone with dazzling radiance. “...And they did not want for sustenance, for She gave them vigor…”
“Please, I’m sorry, I promise, I’ll say whatever you want, just don’t do this!”
“...And they were not lost, for She guided them…”
“For the love of Celestia, have mercy!”
“...Until the darkness that had besieged them was no more.”
The basilica was filled with blinding light. Two seconds later, the inquisitor lowered his hoof, and the light vanished.
Save for a pair of glasses by the far corner of the room, Jet Set was gone.
