Autophobia

by Ice Star

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Princess Celestia, Dark, Sad, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starswirl the Bearded, Adventure
Length: 6017

[Poetry] After Luna's banishment, a guilt filled Celestia searches for answers. Trying to gain a new understanding of what caused her sister's misery, she visits the valley that she left long ago, where everything must have started.

After Luna's banishment, a guilt filled Celestia searches for answers. Trying to gain a new understanding of what caused her sister's misery, she visits the valley that once housed Starswirl the Bearded as well as Luna and herself many years ago. It is here that she believed everything started.

She finds so much more than she asked for.

This story now has a review by PresentPerfect that's filled with spoilers. You can find it here! Now featured by Equestria Daily! There's an SA review now too. It has spoilers, but you can check it out here. Partially inspired by, but has no relation to The Last Dreams of Pony Island by horizon. Former cover art source. Current art by flamevulture17. Now with spiritual successors: Bathophobia and Atelophobia. Rated 'Pretty Good' by PaulAsaran in an in-depth and spoiler-filled review. A multi-part audio reading by Lotus Moon is available, click to listen to part one and part two here! Contribute to the TVTropes page!

Published 2016-07-29 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-22 12:08:26 UTC

Flight

up north
it's where She heads
all alone
it's where She led the little ponies from
She wasn't alone then

the snow almost warms Her
She just tries
She tries so hard
for once
She doesn't want to think

blank
She tries to make Herself
blank
numb
but She can never forget
never close Her eyes
without seeing Her sister scream again
why doesn't the smile falter

losing
She didn't win
nopony did
they all lost
She can't find the black and white
She wishes it was there
She wishes it was nothing
She gives up after a while

there's so much quiet here in the sky
She hates it
or She could
if She could still burn
still feel right after all this
Her throat is too sore to sing

a short trip alone to prepare her for everything that comes after

day after day
night after night
this occasion is but a little slice of history
and history repeats
day after day
night after night

She doesn't sleep
She doesn't want to see her
She wants to see her
confusion fades into nothing at all
as She sits in the snow
alone

day after day
night after night

Hoofsteps

snow tries to hinder Her
ice flies through Her mane until even She can't see the colors
as She makes Her way north

it's just like it was before
they learned of a king in a shining empire
and sealed him in ice
their fillyhood friend usurped their nation after they thought they'd never see him again
and
the statue in canterlote was testament enough to what happened after
before
the elements
the moon
she only screams in memories now
it's nothing like before

two little fillies
if they were so alone
how had they been so happy

the questions are like the snow
they flow around Her
She can't make them go away

but She ignores each and every one
just so She might press on

She won't look back
not yet
She's not there yet

it's been centuries since She's been there
the land of false smiles
where laughter was unheard of
kindness too
generosity never without a price
honesty foreign
loyalty blind
magic
barren
wasted
squandered
twisted

She remembers how She had been there
how She had smiled
like them
how She had thought
like them
how She had believed it all

the snow is like the questions
She can ignore it all
but it will still eat at Her

hoofstep after hoofstep
it feels like more of Her is vanishing
all over again

in this cold shell of a god
could any kindness bloom

Mountains

just over the horizon She sees the tell-tale sign
the great barrier north of
all of equestria
the waste where a crystal land was torn off the map
the fledgling nation of trotland
the only thing farther into this hateful
harmony-lacking waste
is the true valley of the tribes
not the wizard's little slice
rotting away like the rest of
history that She wants to forget
and almost did

vicious rock that tries to separate Her from answers
it cuts Her legs
until the blood is numbed like the rest of Her
hours upon hours
of walking
stopping
wanting to turn back

She falls to the ground when she reaches a point
where one as tall as Her can look
and see all

She remembers too and that's what breaks the ice
at least for now
Her raw scream is lost in the wind
but She finally cries again

Hero

shining bright
what he never was in life he was after
fame
glory
he was legend
all for nothing
a life that fades into obscurity
details blurred like the horizon in a storm
a home in the mountains
so far north where all is in ruins
where lives crumbled with the houses they lived in
until it was only the skeletons of rooms that remained
buried under the snow
ashes to ashes
dust to dust

here was the hero
who thought of none but his ambitions
who never laughed
never smiled once
and was never modest enough
to at least be apathetic
to everpony else's woe

he scribbled magic
that would never be complete
and was as above the stagnant minds of the peasants
of that day
like the stars were to the clouds

in his tower home
where the sun princess aimed to go
there had lived four youths
in shared misery
together in name only
they shared only the valley
in which they were trapped

the green maned errand filly
who only ever bowed her head
to stare at the mud
her hood hid her mane
which drew so many gazes
and she only wanted to fade

two little goddesses
drifting apart
one to the shadows
where she saw only what was
and what could be
all the sadness to come
she worried alone
trying to live
cast into the shadows
the princess of the dark
before she was even crowned

the other saw only what She wanted
a shining kingdom to be
ponies to talk to once again
a place to define Herself
a place to forget
and a place to belong
She believed what She was told
abided by the rules
only wanting
to build a kingdom
to thaw these frozen hearts
while Her own froze over
the broken pieces sealed
but not mended

this was the hero
this bearded wizard, who only influenced Her own petty behavior
furthered each wasted smile
She made for the crown
and every blind move
that led to
Her current state
alone
Her sight restored
but She was oh so alone
the wizard with a belled cap was anything
but

Division

Division

separation by another name
invisible walls
to keep them apart
and keep them away from the world

a barrier to block their powers
as soon as the two tired fillies had stepped inside
weed out the possibility of escape
cage them in a little valley
the wizard would keep the little goddesses
their horns and wings
Her waving mane
marked them as trophies
burdens
ignored experiments and nothing more
pieces to ponder
mysteries to boast of

of course she noticed first
the charm that made them dizzy while standing still
so even the snow seemed to fly crooked
her eyes, such perceptive things
the color of neither daytime sky
or the world in bloom
those eyes that saw something beyond what was in front of them
they picked up on everything first
the paths of escape, the concealed exits
she first knew that the wizard had cast a charm
to steal the escape from their minds
swirl the memory like the stars in his mark

a short frantic scream
the bluebird of happiness seeing their invisible cage
shouted her accusations
at the wizard for bringing them here
at Her for allowing it to happen

wings unfurled
she took off
for the clouds
for the mountains
for anywhere but where they were
quicker than any eye could follow
a rebellious bolt of lightning
fierce and bright
charging the air
longing for her feral freedom
she slammed into a wall unseen by all
but her freedom loving heart

little blue angel
feathers burned black at the edges
falls
to
the
ground
crying
out
when she's grounded once again
sides mottled with
purple bruises
pebble-inflicted cuts
broken feathers trampled into the stone
she looked at Her with tears in her eyes
which asked all the questions that She had no answer too
her mouth hurling the truth at them both
long before She would ever know it

liar
bigot
hero
the wizard
he rises above the sun
who can hardly stutter
out a few words of speechless comfort
to the defiant one
this wizard was all they had
he took them in where others had cast them out
he looms over Her, She who has no crown to shield Her
to protect anything anymore
braces for all the raging shouts that he yells into the snow-filled air

he tells Her to make that one be quiet
she's too injured to fly, her legs are streaked with blood
to this day She cannot understand how she found the strength to stand
to endure anything so cruel

because She didn't
before Her eyes, clouding Her heart, Her mind, every part of Her
She sees the little shadow
that She loved
that She shielded
that She took everything for
the little shadow who still had hopes and dreams intact
even when she could barely stand

She didn't dream
She was a good filly
She did what She was told
She forgot Herself
She wanted a life all Her own

thin gold thread, little ray of sunlight
takes no more
forgets everything in one moment
a furious scream from the bearded stallion
is all it takes
to wedge each little bit of Her distant heart apart
once and for all
to make Her cave into the little voices
that She always held at bay
doubts
whispers
anything but the truth
it's why She listened to them in the first place

She doesn't need any more encouragement
nothing matters
there's too much crying
too much screaming
all Her little voices chant on and on
Her hoof is already flying as the wizard's cry rings out:

"EITHER YOU HIT HER OR I DO!"

ugly furious words followed by an angry shriek of Her own
angry twisted guttural thing that dwarfs a dragon's roar
in Her clouded mind
eyes that now see past the bruise on the little shadow's face

only a shadow
go the little whispers She'll bury when She sleeps
she's only a shadow now
you're finally free

free of what they never said
She never stopped to ask
but She still remembers
the dreaded howl of everything to come
Her shadow's pained call
heralding the misery and despair
which like the snow
would surround them all

it was the memory of the wolves
who in their forest echoed that call
immediately after the elder's silhouette
overshadowed the screaming angel
the whole valley shook

in the present moment She stared
at the hole She had burned in the centuries old wall
as clear as glass and as strong as hate
She was here again
the temporary puncture closing behind Her
and a single thought in Her mind

after all, the wizard had one thing right
divide and conquer

how far they had fallen

Limitations

Limitations

trees with slight traces of a struggle long since past
the eastern woods of the valley are silent and still
except
for the sinner's hoofsteps
and the little voices that bore Her face
telling Her
anything She wanted to hear
and everything She didn't
so strong and clear
now that there were only reminders
only limits
clipped feathers and hobbled hooves
blinded ears
deaf ears
numb, aching heart
there was only this in the east woods

away from it all beyond the snow and ice
that swallowed ponies and painted the land
blanket after blanket until only the howls of the wind
could be heard
Her occasional scream
bloodcurdling, twisted, earsplitting
drowned by
any could hear
and all those who couldn't

not-so-little angel who was Her truest companion
wide-eyes and strong heart to face the world
gone
it could be forever
sun's eyes, blinded by light
bent on judging appearances
see this only now
there was no farewell
no sorry at the first fight
only Her self-assurance
'We are right, We are right'

maybe it had been the little whispers
shouting together
even if it had not been
never once did She say
why She had been right
it was only automatic
a pleasantry so sickly sweet
She wished it were a poison
just so She might drink it
to see what it would do

might it bring her heart
to the outside
so all could see

would they still love their wolf clothed in wool
their blind god
knowing She was the rottenest apple of them all

appearances really were deceiving
a bearded sage on the outside
but only a bigoted husk within
proud shining, smiling glory
crumbling
pathetic
petty almost-monster
for a core

She looks away from the ground
littered with dull shining shards of gray
so crystalline in nature
so pristine on the outside
yet just as broken up as She
who kicks them under the snow
with a travel-heavy leg
and tries to crush them underhoof
before looking at the day's journey ahead of Her

little voices echo around Her, and only one of them is Hers
phantom bellows from the wizard who never knew
honesty
he lied to them when bringing them here
saying they would be safe
kindness
his manipulation was testament enough
to the absence of that trait
laughter
how was laughing when they were hurt during training real
generosity
he was but a miser, hoarding the little goddesses
loyalty
he put no dedication in anything leaving all endings
like his
magic

blank

the sound of a haughty tone
so young and vain
can still be heard
trying to master each 'thou' and 'thee'
as if Her behavior was not enough of an insult
to the little shadow
that lingered in the trees
silent but for a few whispers
protests of innocence at the latest accusations
only to be ignored

even clover's nervous ramblings
little parables
to keep meek little rabbits like herself
safe from the traps that waited
were so much louder
by comparison

Snow

each little flake
falling
all
around
Her

not blue but stark white
clear as can be
whatever one wants it
to become

when each little bit
is grouped together
and becomes whole
to hide the hollowness within
each is numb

forgotten

no longer what it should be

status quo

indistinct

what they wanted Her to be
which is exactly what She tried to become

a mare now, but then a filly
who wished only to define Herself
with no cut-crystal ice to go by
only the want of others
to tell Her that She has meaning
that She's happy and loved
that She's a princess

She, the mare with a coat of snow
and a mane so out of place
the lonliest of them all
wanders through the snowy wood

She spots a snowflake in the flurry around Her
sees it split
and watches the halves drift apart of their own accord
throat sore
and with tears in Her eyes

She pretends to forget
and moves on

Lucid

each step is through a dream that She only wishes to wake up from
NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE
a dream that She wants to forget upon waking up
never to recall a single detail
She hopes to be lost
not lucid

hooves of gold return to the tower of stone
each held in place by the sorrow of two sisters
the one stopped listening
and the other stopped talking

dust
covers the surface of each broken and rotted trinket until She recognizes it no more
ash
coats the hallways of each forsaken small She must duck to enter
flilth
clings only to Her who wanders them
fog
masks Her eyes that no longer see where they are
cold
numbness pricks each strand of Her white, now dirtied fur, as She feels the lingering chill

somewhere in that catatonia, the princess is found
mist clears, if only barely
as She sees a door to chamber
that is now open
as it was never before
only because a bond was broken
and the hinges can no longer do anything
but squeak squeak squeak
like it's silent resident never did

everything is still preserved under wraps of dust
hardly any snow finds its way into her prison
bed sheets still unmade
little signs of yesterday
last week
everyday
so many years ago
all still felt today

small lumps of melting white dot their way
across the room
like little hooves
in perfect measure
to a few sad volumes
nestled in a few old cloaks lumped into a pile
on the floor
moth eaten fur colors
hide precious pages
that survived everything else
worn but intact

little gold light
plucks one up
still in a daze
words tumble out
from page one

Ink

vol. 1

our name is luna...
...our feathers were burned when we slammed against the barrier...
...again. burned feathers. we have to heal ourself each time but we must stay hopeful. positive. we can escape and then convince Tia to come with...
...starswirl found out about our plans after we confided in Tia...
...how could she betray us? why does she not want to leave?
...three days and no food won't hurt us, we are not mortal at least we still have you little book...
...one night spent crying, two spent curling into a ball because it was cold and the window broke...
...it is over but starswirl is still desperate to see us wither. no food for a month. no support from Tia. this time our speech was blamed, we are not to talk as we do...
...today we...
...what does he wish to starve us for so badly? it is not working but sometimes we do feel a little dizzy...
...learn magic control learn magic control forget your sister exists all in the life of Tia who will not even let us call her that any more...
...twelve fairly unsuccessful escape attempts and a lot of not so successful at all ever ones...
...the tallies under the rug are quite a legion now little battalions of five and five to remind us of our misery...
...maybe just one more time...
...caught. Solara, as she shall now be called, hit us. again. we are such a bad foal says she and we called her a bad sister and smack and now we are up here crying and confiding to you little volume even though silly Solara tells us how grateful we should be to learn magic...
...maybe we should just stop for a little while. her slap still stings. does she regret this at all?...
...there's so much to see from this tower...
...if we stop trying to escape so stupidly we can go outside again and maybe try again and everything will be okay...
...but there are plenty of books to read in here...
...we are learning so much more than Solara is from that boor...
...if only we could go outside to practice all we have read to get a better grasp on this...
...it is so nice to be alone, it has always been something we love, but we loathe to be alone and sad...
...it appears starswirl will be releasing us from the exile he believed will teach us a lesson. ha! how wrong he is!...
...tomorrow we really will be released, it is really so! even though we will not directly challenge starswirl we shall not submit to anypony, nor shall we cease attempting our escapes! we are strong and we will become stronger, did we not raise the moon all by ourself?
...this time we will lay out the plan for a grand, infalliable escape for when our power and form have found a way to blend we will not be stopped, we can't be this place is doing something to Solara because we know our sister is still deep down there and we must try...
...there must be hope, no matter how sad we are...

vol.2

...hundreds of entries clutter our old journal, so we needed you little book, your pages clean and new...
...we think the sadness is getting worse...
...is it sadness?...
...sadness does not feel this empty...
...this deep, this long...
...we are not lonely...
...lonely is only something we feel when around ponies...
...this feels like being lost, we write so much more, neat cramped hoof-writing that fits in each page...
...still, we can only write so much...
...we are always relieved in solitude, for it strengthens and frees us...
...but ponies, Solara, this wizard, clover, and the new servant they only smother and chain us, dragging me further and further from purpose and ambition into a light that blinds our sight until our brave new world is only within us...
...hope no longer burns, but only takes a different form as these years go by and we hide among the shadows of the trees...
...hope remains only in us, only in the dark does it linger...

vol. 3

{only three entries within}
{an introduction, of sorts}
{to the faithful constant}
{as mindless and heartless}
{as the one she left}
{but this precious friend, just like the last two}
{could only bare the truth}
{and listened to her far more than She}
{allow her to write each fear and woe}
{so each time she was to read these}
{they would be shoved back in her face}
{for the kindest words she had were her own}
{well, maybe there are more than three entries}
{but She was too busy crying to read them}

Clarity

running
screaming
hunger
She tears across various rooms
shrieking like any proper banshee
for what She has really lost

wood splinters
stone cracks
flames lick streaks in Her mane before dying
as She ramapages across each hidden nook
burning-coal eyes looking for more
any words to bring Her closer
offer any presence
or comfort

Her aching heart, feeling poisoned
puts itself in a clumsy pile

each detail around Her, focused and clear
sharp and bleak
a tragedy seen for the first time

so She piles little journals
right
where
She
can
see
them
a neat little stack in a glowing cloud of fool's gold
each written in runes none can read
and even She stumbled through
Hers and the shadow's
brought to life in details
that redefine haunting
a clarity
that hurts
worse than any cut

still, this is one search She won't give up on
at least not yet
She checks every filthy, dusty, dirty crevice
inspects each disgusting closet
opens hidden, unmarked, improper book
that had belonged to the one still believed to be
a sage of the ages
and who could only be proved otherwise
at the cost of so much privacy
even though none would believe Her
despite the speaker
all that happened here was better left unsaid
so not a word would escape Her

She, the mighty goddess
in rumor only
steps up from the unfitting floor
where She had currently searched
a small room with a broken fireplace
She knocks a brick aside, where
it falls from its worn and tedious perch
revealing
a stash of tattered diaries

whatever momentary relief She had
upon finding such tattered treasures
was destroyed
when She saw that the writing wasn't hers
but She takes them anyway
despite their uselessness
a mere servants scribblings
would offer Her no peace

Empty

wings that pump uselessly
legs of swaying lead
throat still choked
eyes that can't see
and a heart that outweighs them all
the wind is deafening
maddening
silence will drive the mare mad
the tears and little red nicks
from the last outburst
are only proof of that
but
sound isn't much better

the mare's magic falters
and the mare reaches up with one hoof of gold
she had called them shackles in her writing
and from her experience it was rightly so
so the mare catches all that is left
unsorted scraps and words that managed
to remain untorn in desperation
dry of tears
preserved
unbroken
everything the mare wasn't

the mare who knows nothing of where the horizon leads
what lies beyond
or even the current land where
the mare
plain
unnamed
as pure
no, as blank, as the white fur that
covers unfeeling skin
hooves gloved in gold to keep their impurities from tainting
the sainted, hallowed, words
as painful as carved flesh
they cannot be kept

the mare's bearings are off
the flight is aimless now
to say that the mare is apathetic
would be a lie
it isn't that there isn't care
or empathy
or love
and mirth, such nasty joyous things

the mare is only dead
from the inside out

History

[An excerpt from an archived issue of an old newsletter that was available to the public through Trottingham's public library. The subject of the article is the grand opening of Trottingham's then new museum and the surprise visit from Princess Celestia of Equestria. However, the text has been modernized since the original was lost...]

...the princess, while slightly disheveled from her trip, showed great joy upon her arrival. The radiant goddess while acting oddly reserved at times for one as social as herself made plenty of time to talk to the ponies gathered here today for this grand occasion.

She must have been feeling slightly ill from her trip because at times the princess appeared almost confrontational towards visiting Equestrians and asking them what they thought about her sister, which was very unlike her. The Trottingham natives blinked and scratched their manes a moment before recalling that Celestia did indeed have a sister, but she wasn't given much attention by anypony. A few of the Equestrians laughed at such questions since they must have been a joke on the part of the social and joyful Equestrian goddess. It must have been so hard for her these past few months, going out into the old lands in the north all alone.

The word in Equestria is that a monster named Nightmare Moon managed to work some spellcraft and overpower Celestia's sister on the night Celestia's home in the Everfree Forest was destroyed. Equestria was shocked at the princess' tears, but it was understandable, as the normally happy and imperial goddess had lost her home and now had to work both her sun and the moon, which now bore signs of the hideous monster sealed within. A few ponies were overheard asking her if she might be able to do something about these unsightly blotches.

"What does it matter? None of you are ever up at night to look at he- the moon," was Celestia's response which was quickly appreciated for the joke it was since was it not Celestia of the southern kingdom of Equestria who advocated so strongly for ponies to stay inside as much as possible during the night? She even took appropriate measures in cutting the funds for any frivolous activity she could that did not met a diurnal schedule or the standards of good ponies like us. It was she who preached of the evils that darkness held and of the mooncalves and monsters that lurked within the twisted perversion of the sun's light that the moon shed. Nopony would endorse anything so non-conforming and Equestrians are thankful that they have a princess like her. She was generous to add some old and unreadable diaries to the museum's collection.

At first, it almost looked like that the princess was shocked that everypony was laughing at her joke, even though she has been known to be a bit of a trickster herself and this reaction was unlikely to be genuine since this is something she would laugh at as well.

After a while, she laughed too.

Millennium

when she comes home
broken beyond all hope of repair
so small inside
heart shrunken and withered
with nopony to love
now that she knows
that she failed
as a sister

she's weak
but only on the inside
frayed threads of black
and white

little absolutes
that barely manage to keep her together
but never do they cross, if they could at all

insignificant
towering over everypony
her shadow is a blanket
a shroud that covers the coffin
of each and everypony
she has ever loved
at one point
or another

even if it took so long
to realize any of it
and how much she had
and how much she would never see
only to be told through ink-scribbled runes
that would crumble behind archive doors
while she sat on the throne

her wish from before it all
achieved
alone
her greatest fear, a reality
alone

everything she e/never wanted
before her
around her
ever after

she sits and smiles
glad in gold regalia with a shining new urn of a city
gilded around the edges of her heart
caught betwixt death's throes for what could only be
time, everlasting

pearlesent teeth gleam to each visitor
to squeeze back the tears she wants to cry
little drops of unshed poison
to nourish a loveless goddess

she loves each little pony
no matter how much they stab her back
all she can
taking the first steps these regal chains will allow
to make them change
no matter the sacrifice

no. matter. the. sacrifice.

so outwardly she sits and smiles
with a kindly wave
now and again
passively looking onward
since the fire in her is dying
along with the murmurs
of there ever being another
as the name that should have mattered the most to her
is struck from every record
she knows no hope, the mare in gold
just smiles and sacrifice
her belief in magic severs with each passing year
with no more answers to come

and she'll wait forevermore

Living Corpse

She's beauty
She's grace
Her crown is gold
Her mane is all the colors of the rainbow
to distract you from Her face
Her face with hollow eyes
the imperial fire is gone

the moon is pock marked by anything but a sickness
the everfree sits in ruins
all because of Her
Her home is gone
Her sister too

She tells Herself over and over
all Her fault
home is in ruins
sister is banished
all Her fault

there are so many scars
and the worst are the ones none can see
She maintains the pretty smile
because
because
deep down
She did know what went wrong
the snow up north chilled Her too

the sun is cold
Her eyes are hollow
the small stone city where She stays
is more alive than She
who lay crying on the floor
until morning
all because
it was Her fault

hours later they say She's better
simply because Her crying stopped
Her eyes won't see anything but the moon
resting below the horizon
but She's so much colder
colder than snow
colder than space
She's as cold as death
She's beauty
She's grace

Canterlote

here She stands
in the garden
all alone

how noticeable that is now
how will She ever learn to get used to this

the statue does not respond
She does not expect it to

She needs a home
somewhere that won't
break
Her
heart
every time She sees it

now that Her constant is gone
She needs company
She wants to define Herself
by lying
by placing all the rooks
mages
knights
and pawns
around Her

brick by brick
She'll build another wall
try to blink away the black and white
like She did Her tears

they'll build walls too
ponies that were only ever Hers
it's Her own fault
the gray stone will go
painted over by a layer of white
if only to reassure Herself
that She isn't the villain
despite what Her feelings say
green gardens because she loved to be outside

She'll try to pretend
that everything's alright
until She leaves
alone

to Her that was such an ugly word

She'll leave alone
to find the start
of the thread that became so knotted
and when She returns
She'll smile
warm on the outside
for all to see
cold fickle heart
until She finds yet another constant
to share Her light

She'll smile all the while
they build a castle in her absence
a shrine to an unsure god
who cannot bear to go unloved
by a single soul
to be alone

Before

before She left this valley
everything was laid out
where to go
what to do
who to talk to

row by row She dictated Her life as well as another's
each choice was the link in a chain
She embraced them
Her sister struggled with each and every link
until she snapped
like the very metal
that held them both
dragging them further down

She wanted a crown resting upon each of their heads
metal as shiny and regal as Her heart
lusted after by those who would
stare
speak of every appearance She made
praise
gossip
make idle chat

She was surrounded by mindless humming
the metal jewelry She wore from there and after
as still as the fickle heart within Her breast

long before a crown rested on Her head
She was as cold as only a newcomer could be
Her and Her sister
earth
pegasus
unicorn
they were neither

these ponies called them monsters
so She selected the one that She knew
had some kind of knowledge
was away from it all
living in a thin tower
that tried to seek the clouds in vain

from there She did everything
tried to master magic's form
understand these ponies
Her deeds nearing the cost of Herself

Her vanity dictated Her looks
surrounding Her like the dresses She wore
Her tongue adopted all their words without a second thought
Her smile never faltered
Her eyes left Her sister
to focus on the crown She would claw away
bright shining false power
She might have again one day
to guide the mortals from the realm
that starved them
that emptied their minds
and their hearts
where the snow blinded their eyes
and even She was not spared

She lost Her little shadow in the storm
She told her
stop being so selfish
grow up
and everything else
every bit of venom
they're not coming back
everything She thought to be true
or at least as true as it needed to be
and after it all
Her smile never faltered

Lucky

is what She was
had been
all these new, unfamiliar past tenses
chipping away at what she is
as if she was as fleeting and heart-wrenching as a mortal
take a long look
blink the tears away
and she's gone
leaving only memory
of before
and a legacy
with the empty present between them
to be filled only with mourning
and hollow recovery

little smiles that hide the pain
better than any mask
stitched in so tightly
they cannot be removed
without tearing something

She had been so lucky
to have a sister
a constant
any companion at all
one so loyal to a fault
that this was the result

She was so lucky
that even though
she was so close
she never saw Her
for what She really was
or maybe she only kept
an honest silence
until the end

so lucky
so lucky
fate was so kind
to see Her little shadow go unused
that they wouldn't even allow Her
lone ruler of all She would return to
someone like them to blame
because it all fell to Her

blameless goddess
pure heart

blameless
only because She said so and tore down the image of monsters
that had been built up
while nopony was watching their precious wall of lies
She surrounded Herself with the bricks
that made up every prejudice
willingly blind
busy
looking away
while they threw those bricks at her
because she wouldn't change

Her heart was indeed pure
something
anything
surely, it was some absolute
something so indisputable
in every wrong way
a heart that tore the marks
off everything
questions and answers
became one in the same
lies shifted into the truth
at least in Her mind
and sisters became enemies
Her heart was pure something
on the borderline of everything
She would never let anypony else see

She was so, undeniably lucky
but Her luck ran out when She had stolen it all
hoarding Her miser's gold
from the one who had needed it most