Metal Gear Soft

by AppleTank

Rating: everyone
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Science Fiction, Cheerilee, Scootaloo, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves
Length: 3421

The Hand to surpass Metal Gear. It must not be allowed to fall into enemy hooves. (not a crossover with Metal Gear)

A terrorist group has taken over a research laboratory in protest of the growing cybernetic field. Agents Solid Sweet, Liquid Red, and Raider are sent in to get an important prototype out.

Yes, this is one long joke.

No, this is really only a slight crossover with the DX:HR trailer, and not enough to warrant a mention, besides a hefty dose of headcanon.

Yes, this is all PresentPerfect's fault with his Soft Hands contest.

Published 2016-07-30 06:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-30 06:50:01 UTC

1) Top Secret

This just in. The group known as “Hooves First” has taken the minotaur-sponsored research laboratory. They have been reported making several raids against other cybernetic-based businesses, but this has been their largest-scale attack yet-

The news story mutes. A golden glow surrounds a phone and lifts it. After a moment, its owner says “Agent Red Wine, there are crucial research work in Machina Incorporated I commissioned in there. I need you to get them out. I will send you a map of the location soon. Get there as fast as possible.”

22:30, South of Canterlot (Honestly, location doesn’t matter that much)

A black gyrocopter quietly buzzed over the dark, lamp-spotted cityscape. Its two passengers rest in the back, while one of them glance confusedly at the cockpit. “So, Princess, why are you in this business? Thought you’d be hanging around the Crystal Empire more often.”

Flurry Heart chuckles over the radio. “Yeah, a lot of ponies are surprised whenever they see me. Truth be told, I’m not very fond of all the politicking. Yeah, I’ll take the lessons, but I got out the moment they were done. And you. Thought you were a teacher?”

“Got me. I’m Cheerilee, but try not to spread it around.” she smiles while giving a pointed glare at her partner. “This is my night shift, and I rather this and my day shift don’t mix. Its relaxing for me. For now, call me Liquid Red.” the mulberry Earth mare said.

“Yeah yeah, I getcha. Solid Sweets isn’t my real name either,” said her partner, a pale, off white pony with a blue and pink striped mane with curls.

Flurry Heart looks down as she banks the gyrocopter. “I believe this is our stop. Good luck you two!”

“Thanks for the lift,” Liquid Red called out as the two infiltrators move to the back. “But there’s a third who landed here earlier, calls herself Raider. She’ll be extracting us if things get hot.”

“Got it. Good luck the three of you then!” Flurry called out as Solid Sweet unlocked the rear hatch and watched the building approach. As they swept over it, the Princess briefly turned off the main propeller, going into a short moment of autorotation to give her passengers a moment to roll onto the building.

The moment passes, and she swoops off into the night, only turning on her vehicle’s lights after she was a few blocks away. For now, the two were alone

The pair move towards the rooftop access, Liquid asking, “Loud or soft? Looks to be locked on the inside,” Liquid gestured at the chains wrapped around the handle, and through a tiny hole bored through the door.

Solid crouches next to it, feeding her tail hairs underneath the door jam with her eyes closed. “Nah, they’ve gone cheap. I recognize this model. It looks tough, but there aren’t a lot of tumblers inside. If they wanted to keep ponies out, they would’ve welded it solid.”

With a few clicks, the lock sprung open, allowing them to easily push the door open. The pair quietly step down the stair, Solid’s experience and Liquid’s ... enhancements silencing their hooves on the metal stairs.

The first floors was sparsely populated, full of empty storage rooms. After that, there were more regular patrols. There was plenty of ceiling space, and just trying to kill all of them would attract attention. So the infiltrators crept along the shadowed rooftop beams, leaving a tiny noisemaker where they entered.

The pair waited a bit by the next door, and crept through when the noisemaker blew itself apart.

Three floors went by like this before they found the first thing of importance, the hostages. Six ponies stood guard around them, either with magic or pneumatic crossbows.

Solid nodded to her partner as they split up, creeping along the shadows. “On your mark.”

A few moments later, the guards hear a set of silent hoofsteps creeping along one end of a pillar. All of their heads swivel as if connected and aim their weapons. “Who is it?” one shouts.

Their only response was a dark chuckle, and a sudden red-tinted blur that dashed to another pillar. A cluster of arrows slam into the wall beyond. “Missed me,” Liquid taunted. “Might want to take an eye exam for how badly you all shot.”

A stream of fire slams into the pillar they assumed she was hiding behind. There was a brief sound of charring flesh, then nothing.

“Did we get it?”

“Nope,” a voice answered from behind. The guard spins, shocked, and got a hoof into his face for his troubles. Solid shook her hoof out as Liquid stepped out from behind the charred pillar, brushing herself off. The pair glance back at the tier up and knocked out scientists. “Well, they should be safe there until the SWAT come in after us to clean up. Let’s hurry before they finish whatever they were doing.”

Liquid blinked as she noticed her mane waving slightly. She looked up and noticed an air vent. A rather wide air vent. “Well, this is convenient.”

The pair shimmied down the tight passageways, peeking out of slitted grates to mark their progress. A few floors later, they spot an empty hallway with light creeping out of a closed door. Two guards stand in front of it.

“All too easy,” Solid whispered as both pull out blow darts.

After a moment, the sedatives kick in and the two guards collapse onto the floor. They crept forwards, and frowned when they found out there was only one way in.

“Let me handle this,” Liquid said, stepping up to the side of the door. Ahem. “Why are we even protecting this place anyways?” she asked in a deeper, more masculine voice. “Why don’t we just burn this place to the ground?”

“Because, you uncultured weed,” the mare inside replies, steadily carving through a safe with a beam of magic, “we must ensure that no one gets the chance to reproduce things like this ever again.” Suddenly, the beam of magic spins and blasts Liquid through her chest. She gasps out a wet cough as her lungs pool with blood. “Second of all, neither of them talk with that accent,” she snarls.”

The door clicks open, and the angry mage stomps over to Liquid’s limp form. “Who sent you? Answer quickly, or I can make you wish you were dead.”

Liquid chuckles wetly, licking up some of the blood that spilled from mouth. “Oh, you’re too late for that dearie.”

The mage looks at her blankly, then her eyes widened in comprehension, swiftly launching a fireball at her skull. In an instant, Liquid’s head is reduced to a charred, grinning skull. The skull tilted back upright, a tongue of blood lashing within its jaws.

“You need more than that” Liquid’s severed neck squeaked. Her torso than twisted upwards, letting her lift her fore-legs and aim them at the mage’s neck. A spear of blood shot out of a tiny slot in end of her legs, letting her blood pierce the enemy mage’s neck. The mage reared back in shock, clutching at her throat as Liquid was dragged along with her. Then her eyes rolled back and fell into unconsciousness.

Solid stepped around from the other knocked out guard, raising an eyebrow. “Jeez, did you need to be that graphic?”

Blood flowed up from Liquid Red’s neck, forming a fairly convincing head and face of Cheerilee. She sighed, and said, “Sorry, whenever I have to draw on my powers more heavily, it ... drives a hunger in me. Makes me want to let go. I’ve had practice in holding back my bloodlust, but some quirks still ... surface. Enough about me, it’s over with. Let’s get the package and get out of here before anyone notices.”

“No problem.” Solid walked over to the partially burnt safe, and fished out a small piece of paper from her mane. She read off the numbers, then spun the dial.

Cla-click

“Yup, that’s the Gear..” Solid said. “Let’s get out of here before they notice us.”

Liquid looked down at her hooves. “I can feel hoofsteps. Too late.” She raised a hoof to her headset, then cursed when she remembered it was melted.

Solid gasped, and turned on her own headset while tossing the prototype into Liquid’s hooves. “Raider, this is Solid, we need an extraction, now!” Both of them ran out of the room and into the hallway.

Cri-rick “Raider here, I fee-see you two. Turn right now, then left into the second hallway. You should see a window. Jump through. I’m on the other side.”

.”Got it got it! Running!” Both mares turned down the hallway as voices began echoing behind them.

“Ergh! I can’t protect the Gear and you at the same time,” Liquid said. “Hold it, I’m a lot more durable than you, if you don’t mind me sitting on your back.”

“My back is going to be so sore tomorrow,” Solid muttered unhappily. She then spoke up, “Fine, shove it in my mane and get on before they catch up.”

Liquid hoofed it over, and Solid’s mane wrapped tightly around it as they galloped through the building. Liquid craned her head over her shoulder, wincing when she saw ponies of Hooves First see them, and start launching arrows or burning mana at them.

Liquid hopped onto Solid’s back, who grunted slightly. Liquid then spun around and raised her hooves, wincing as mana-blasts and arrows pounded into her flesh, but she still had plenty of reserve for at least the next few minutes.

“Hang on!” Solid shouted. Liquid turned over her head, eyes widening as the glass window shattered.

The world seemed to slow down, as she looked down the building and saw nothing below them. Solid was starting to open her mouth, either to gape in horror or scream. Liquid might be able to improvise a wingsuit, but she’d only manage it with only herself before. She spun around in the air, making to grab Solid before they fell fifteen stories and hopefully prevent her from going splat when she noticed a translucent shimmer jump out at them.

“Raider below you. I got ya.”

The shimmer burst and dispelled into a black suited pony with glowing night vision goggles as she collided with them. She wrapped her hooves around them while moving into a diving position. A small hum started from a backpack Liquid belatedly noticed on Raider’s back, shedding blue-tinted flames.

A moment later, blue lines of light erupted around Raider’s suit, looking like magic, right angled veins. As Raider’s momentum died out (and Solid was giving out some sort of choked, voiceless scream), Liquid saw the hissing cloud of mana solidify into an outline of large, angled wings.

More glowing wires wrapped around the wings, forming a cage of wires in the shape of wings. Then they twitched, then flapped, sending the plummeting trio to shoot down the blocked off streets and around corners. Due to the sudden drop and change in direction, what shots the ponies back in the tower launched at them missed completely.

A few moments later, they landed in a small alleyway, hidden from sight. Raider dismissed her wing-constructs. “Sorry for the short flight, those things are very conspicuous.” Solid was grumbling unhappily as she hugged the ground.

Raider poked her head around the corner, then waved the two onwards. Solid looked at the ground forlornly before sighing and stepping after them, her mane adjusting the Gear in its grasp.

A few blocks of silent trotting later, the three reached the police barricade. Raider reached into a pocket and held out her ID. The officer there glanced at it, then waved them out of the quieted city, with the occasional police siren.

They walked a few blocks more before standing in front of a closed post office. Liquid looked around. “Who are we waiting for?”

“Our ride,” Raider explained, pulling at her head coverings. “I arranged the driver to pick us up here in-” Raider finally pulled off her headwrap and goggles, “-about ten minutes.”

Liq-Cheerilee blinked at the shortly cut purple mane. “Scootaloo?”

Scootaloo looked back in shock, her color vision restored. “Teach? And Bon Bon?”

Solid stared for a moment, then chuckled. “No, that’s my cousin. Different branch. I’m Gum Drop. You two know each other?”

“Cheerilee used to be my ... elementary teacher,” Scootaloo said in astonishment. “How’d you look like you never aged, Tea-Miss Cheerilee?”

“Gauuuuh,” Cheerilee replied intelligently, eyes darting, “government secret?”

Scootaloo snorted, “Miss Cheerilee, this suit is a government secret. Who my parents really are is a government secret. I won’t tell anyone if you want.”

“Ugh, fine. First, drop the ‘Miss’,” Cheerilee grumbled, rubbing her head. “Truth is, I’m a vampire. Remember the attack in Manehatten I talked about class? I was one of the victims, from yes, one hundred and fifty years ago.”

Scootaloo blinked. “Huh. Well, in any case, I’m technically a Changeling Princess. Mom made a deal with Equestria to help guard against Chrysalis’s Hive. They had a falling out.”

“Huh.”

Meanwhile, Solid craned her neck to look down the street and spotted a chugging, battered mail truck rolling down the street. The driver, a grey, blond maned pegasus mare parked her vehicle in front of the post office and began sorting the mail inside. Curious, she thought to herself. It was nearly midnight, after all.

Scootaloo paused her conversation to check her watch. “Oh, give me a moment.” She took a deep breath and shouted, “Muffins have been banned!”

The mailmare inside dropped a bundle of tied letters and fell to her haunches, her face stricken with horror. She shakily pulled out a pocket watch and practically melted with relief when she saw the time.

She recollected the bundles and trotted out, smiling. “Hello, everypony! I’ll be your transporter for the night. Um Raider, is it?” She then squinted at Scootaloo. “Weren’t you my muffin’s classmate?”

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. “Wow, small world, Mrs. Doo. Explains the strange payment request Ah, right. Here you go.” Scootaloo’s wing flipped open her bags and extracted a small cloth bundle. “Three-hundred bits and a blueberry muffin.”

Doo gasped happily and pulled out the muffin. “T’anks” she said through a mouthful of pastry. “Come in, come in.” She hopped into the driver’s seat as the others filed into the back of the mail truck. It was somewhat awkward finding a comfortable position, due to the fact that there were several large cardboard boxes stacked around, but all were used to standing for long periods of time.

Scootaloo shuffled her way to the front of the vehicle as the truck puttered down the quiet streets. Only a few late night people were still out, considering the situation back at the research labs. “So, why’d you go into this business, Mrs. Doo?”

The mailmare shrugged. “It’s not that much different from making deliveries. I just have to get up a little earlier sometimes.” Doo glanced at the rearview mirror. “In fact, I recognize your armor design. I bought some upgrades from the Changeling Research Hive outside Ponyville...?”

“Ah, right. She’s my mom.” Scootaloo nodded. “I .. don’t really pay much attention to what my mom does most of the time. Hey, this gives us stuff to talk about after this, eh?”

Mrs. Doo chuckled, but frowned when her lazy eye caught movement in her side mirrors. “Hmm, someone caught us. We’re going have to cut this short. Everypony, hang on! I think we got pursuers.”

Mrs. Doo reached at the dashboard and flipped a switch. The battered truck’s shuddering, wheezing engine puttered to a stop, while a high-pitched hum started up. “Fake engine,” she explained.

Ditzy Doo gently stepped on the accelerator, slowly pushing the truck over the speed limit. The dark-colored SUVs behind them picked up speed too, closing the distance. “Oh shoot,” she muttered unhappily. “I won’t be able to make my deliveries.”

Cheerilee stood up. “Need help?”

“Oh, no no! It’s my job to take you guys to your home. I put a lot of bits into this boxy,” she patted her steering wheel affectionately. “Plus, I have shield generators there.”

Mollified, Cheerilee and Gum Drop sat down, though still somewhat worried.

Ditzy rolled down her window, and then stuck a wing out the window. A smoke trail spiraled from her wingtips, tiny sparks flashing between her quills. She clenched the wing, drawing the smoke into a small ball cradled in her feathers as the sparks jittered and hopped into the ball.

Right before she hit an intersection, she flipped her wing and tossed the ball of crackling lightning backwards. To Scootaloo’s horror, Ditzy closed her eyes.

FLASH

Scootaloo squeezed her eyes in pain, tears falling from the flashbang that burned her eyes from the mirror. And from bumping her head against the side of the truck as Derpy sudden sharp right turn skidded across the pavement.

“A little warning next time, please,” Scootaloo grumbled. It was somewhat satisfying to see the SUVs behind them screech to a stop as the drivers struggled to recover their vision.

“And now...” Ditzy muttered, her wing gathering cloud once more.

“Is this going to hurt again?” Gum Drop muttered unhappily, rubbing at her eyes.

Ditzy swerved a moment, dodging badly aimed mana-blasts. With a button, a weak flickering shield pulsed out of emitters on the back of the truck. Satisfied with the shield, she resumed focus on her cloud. “Nope. This time, just smoke.”

Ditzy threw the condensed ball of moisture forwards while her right wing ‘palms’ a card and sticks it into a slot besides the steering column that had a picture of a letter. The new card was a solid red.

Blue fire erupted around the vehicle as Derpy gunned the engine, charging into the expanding cloud of fog. The moment she’s within it, she violently serves to the sidewalk and kills the engine. She quickly rolled up the window and hopped into the storage area. “Keep quiet” she hissed.

“Won’t they notice the logo on the vehicle?” Cheerilee asked, the only one who wasn’t dazed from Ditzy’s driving.

The pegasus gestured at the red card. “Disguise module. Without it, the truck looks like a reasonably well maintained grey van. We’re red now. As long as we don’t move, they’ll think we charged far ahead. The thing tends to leave a brief trail of fire if we’re moving.”

True to her word, the SUVs rush through ignoring the disguised vehicle amongst the other parked cars as they drove off in pursuit, terribly frightening what few night owls still around.

Ditzy leaned against a box. “Might as well get comfy. I don’t want to risk getting in another chase.”

Gum Ball frowned. “You don’t like chases?”

Ditzy looked at Gum Ball in confusion. “What gave you that idea?”

Author's Note

Fuck this is stupid

2) Can't Stop

“You called for me, Lyra?”

Said CEO glanced back at magneta-coated mare as she stepped out of the elevator.

“Thank you for coming in on such a short notice, Cheerilee.”

“What is it?”

“To business, right,” Lyra sighed, looking out of the window of her high rise. “I got some of the data back from my spooks.” She raised a hoof to her face and pulled on her hair. “These people are like ghosts, Cheerilee. Hiding behind lies, and proxy soldiers. I need you to find them. Figure out what they’re planning.”

Lyra raised a prosthetic right hoof. With a hiss, hidden seams separated. Joints and supports unfolded and reformed into a hand. “They cannot stop us. They can’t stop the future of SOFT HANDS.”

Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. “Nice duds, ma’am.”

“I know! Isn’t it awesome?” Lyra squeed, wiggling the fingers. She rubbed it against her cheek. “So soft too...”

BUY SOFTHANDS(TM) TODAY! Yours for only 3500 B.

Theyyyy’re GREAT.

Restrictions may apply, must be of 18 years of age or older, surgery required, physical therapy required, may have phantom pains of your hoof, no it does not want to eat your soul unless you want it to, finger count limited to five until further notice, colors other than white or black must be custom mixed, economy grade Gears require 6 month maintenance, assure cleanliness before eating, if you already are a robot you get a discount.

Author's Note

Yup. That's it. Really. Sad, I know.