"Huh, well... far out dude..." I note to myself.
I find myself standing outside a bakery. And not just any bakery. Instead, it looks like the bakery straight out of Hansel and Gretel. I found I couldn't resist the call of the luscious looking ginger bread house, smelling strongly of cinnamon and pastries. The temperature is literally perfect in my honest opinion. There's a nice steady constant cool breeze, the temperature's warm, not too hot , not too cold, and the air is untainted by the toxins that humans poured into the earth's atmosphere.
"Man... This is like, totally like... the dopest thing I've ever seen... C-Can I like... eat this?" I absently wonder, my munchies kicking in as I was enamored by my somewhat hazy immediate surroundings composed of beautiful weather and a cookie house. I instantly dismissed the notion of eating the house. "No way dude, it's probably just made to look like a giant ginger bread cookie- But whatever maaaaan...This weather is like, the best thing ever, this place is beautiful! I'm moving here, I don't care about anything else right now. I'll stay out on a bench. This place is amazing. You know what? I'm living on the bench in the park. I'll start looking for a job tomorrow dude..." I rant to myself, but eventually realize I had to get up to do that. And so, I did that.
Or at least I would have if he could get myself to stand on my feet. "Oof!"
I sat on my rump for a moment, completely dazed, and blowed out of my mind. Glancing down at my traitorous body to see exactly why it wasn't working properly- I glance down at my feet-
-Only to see hooves.
...
I glance down at my hands-
Only to see hooves.
...
...
...
"Wait... Huh?" My stoned mind took a moment to actually catch up, only when it did, did the sudden adrenaline rush kill whatever high I had. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?" I let out a totally manly shriek, my expression turning into one of horror. It took a moment before I was actually able to realize I didn't even know how I got in this town, or even in front of this building. "This is so trippy... Am I like, high on shrooms or something?... Whoa..."
If I'm hallucinating, I'm better off living in this world!
"Excuse me, young stallion? Are you alright?" Craning my head, I squint my eyes to peer past the sun to look at whomever was speaking to me. Only I didn't need to do that, the sunlight didn't hurt my eyes.
'Crazy weird, man.'
Confused, I open my eyes- or at least as much as I ever did. Which was only half way. Doing a take back, I'm shocked to see a stunning snow colored mare with a deep curly purple mane before me, though I've never been into animals, I can see her majestic sexy appeal. She was also bigger than me ever so slightly, though it was very noticeable. "...Oh my, have you been crying?" The mare's sapphire blue eyes locked on to mines.
I don't know if smoking weed is illegal here, and I can tell this pony is older than me. So, not wanting to get reprimanded for being a dope head out of pure habit, I immediately covered myself.
"Uh, no way man... I just uh... got something in my eyes..." It was honestly the first thing I could come up with. While my high was gone from the initial spook, I still found myself confused and somewhat panicked. The stranger pony lady didn't seem to agree with my well put together lie, however.
"Uh huh." Said the not impressed looking... Unicorn? Duuuude. "Really, lying is most uncouth. I do suppose it's none of my business, however. Excuse me for prying. Are you new in town?"
"Yeah 'fam... I just got here today actually... I think anyway. Hehehe." The mare raised what I suspect to be a confused eyebrow.
"Um.. 'Fam'? Whatever does that mean?" The mare now just outright looked confused. "What do you mean you think you got here today?"
Oh, right. Ponies probably don't speak like me. Specially not this one. She looks pretty fancy.
"You know... 'Fam. Like, family." The fancy mare blinked with confusion at me, again.
"Are we... Are we related?" She hesitantly asked, looking put off by that. Why I never. Apparently, it showed on my expression cuz' she was quick to correct herself. "Not that um, that would be an issue! It's just I..." Her eyes darted down, wandering over my entire body for a moment, I could have sworn I saw some sort of calculating look in her eyes. "I would have never guessed. You and I look... nothing alike."
"Nah fam... I don't think we are, anyway. It's just a saying. Like, a close friend y'know?" I fought the urge to reach for my blunt located behind my left ear. The mare looked taken aback by my statement. With a moment of hesitation, she opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She then gave me a simple smile.
"Very well. Well, since you seem to be alright... I must be going. I do believe I'm late. Ta ta!" With that the Unicorn went off on her way past me and to the gingerbread house, not without giving me a sparing glance. To which I just waved to her. She hesitantly left, before vanishing into Hansel and Gretel's nightmare come true.
"Guess I should go find that bench... Hehe. Wish I had my skateboard..."
While I didn't find the park, I found something FAR more interesting.
A scrap yard!
I fiddled with some rusted gears that clearly still had some use. I found a busted speaker, easily repairable- an old worn out scooter with no more battery due to it's design- also easily fixed, and "Niiice." I've found a lot of things that could use repairing, unfortunately I didn't have any tools at the moment. I decided to make a mental list of the things I need.
1: Weed
2: Food
3:Weed
4: A place to lay down
5: Weed
6: Tools
7: Weed
8: Money
9: A job
10: More weed
"Haha, nice..." Chuckling at my list, I decided to actually get off my ass and start searching for job. The sooner I could get some mula, the sooner I could get the ball rolling man. I found my way out the junk yard with nothing eventful happening.
I made into town, when I did though I noticed I was getting strange looks from every pony I went by. Super spooky man. I checked over myself, wondering if someone slapped a 'kick me' sign on my back- to no avail I found nothing, though I did notice one thing.
Where the hell were all the dudes?
I was getting stares from mares everywhere all over the town! But there were TONS of females. I spotted the occasional male- and they were never alone, but with a lady. Some looked curious, while some just looked plain up hungry. I don't know if these ponies are like spiders but I ain't gonna find out- Or at least that was the plan man.
"Hey shhtud, what're you doing out here walking by yourshelf? Need a mare to show you a good time?" I turned around with puzzlement to see a pretty pink pony who was clearly drunk. Crazy stuff man. I opened my mouth to say something that would probably get me into some trouble, or would land me a nice job where we would be be happy, when I was sadly interrupted by another pony.
"Berry Punch, are you harassing this innocent young stallion?" Innocent and Stallion shouldn't go hand and hand... I turned my head to see a unicorn mare guard pony walking toward me and the apparently aptly named 'Berry Punch'. Aforementioned pony gave a sheepish smile before stepping closer to me-
YIPE!
She just squeezed my butt! Uncool man! Uncool!
"Mm, no way officer! it's not harassment if he likes it!" Berry gave a wink to the guard pony. While I on the other hand gave a 'PLEASE HELP ME!' look. Upon seeing my expression, the guard officer looked deathly serious. I found myself shocked at how seriously she took the situation as a guy claimed sexual harassment against a female. I expected an eye roll, or a 'carry on', not her looking like she was ready to club Berry over the head.
"...Berry... that's a dangerous road you're heading down- Are your eyes red? Have you been crying?" The officer's eyes zeroed in on mines.
OH SHIT! AN OFFICER WILL KNOW I WAS HIGH! I immediately took the high road, seeing how this situation was turning out!
"...Yes?" The results were instant, the officer took at hard look at Berry, and Berry looked like she had been told she was being charged with murder. The officer- FUCKING LEVITATED cuffs! Now it was Berry's turn to give ME the 'PLEASE HELP ME!' look. I decided to be a sport and help her out. "-But it's not from her! I was uh... just getting out a bad relationship!" The officer calmed down steadily, but gave Berry Punch the 'I'm watching you' signal with her hoof.
"...I'll be getting back to my duty, do be safe sir." She then backed up, carefully watching the both of us as she went out of sight. Simultaneously Berry and I let out a sigh of relief.
"Thanks for the shhhavve shugar!" I waved away her thanks, it was my fault she was in that position in the first place. Berry was eyeing me up and down though, like a piece of meat- I was flattered, and at the same time confused. It was like the positions of men and females switched up. Though with the screwed gender ratio around here, I suppose that would make sense.
"I'm looking for like... a job fam... Help me out?" I gave her the most winning grin I could put on- which I think had the wrong effect...
"Heheheehehehehe..." Strangely, Berry started to vibrate in place with the biggest red blush I've seen on anyone's face. "I've got a few jobs in mind..."
Uh oh...
"A little more... Ugh... That'sh it!... Harder! Almosht there!... ALMOSHT THERE! AHH!" Berry panted. "THERE!"
I swiped a bead of sweat away from my forehead as Berry and I finished our task, moving her dresser up these narrow stairs. We barely managed it, but Berry is a lot stronger than I would have figured... Actually, she picked me up earlier with little to no effort. "You're pretty shtrong for a Shtallion!" What the heck was that supposed to mean? "So... about those other jobs... How about you and me uh, go do the tango with the rango?" She looked so hopeful asking that, but she also backed away and put her hands up, looking like I was going to slap her for asking. Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?
"Uhh... I just got out a relationship?" I said, continuing off my earlier lie. She looked both disappointed and relieved. "I uh, don't hit females." Berry looked taken aback by what'd I'd said, it was like I told her the moon was made out of cheese. Ergo, it made no sense.
"Umm... well, I guessh that'sh cool? You're not one of those guysh who'sh crazy then!" She just generally looked confused.
Oh, I get it. Everything is backwards here as far as gender roles go. Females were the strong, leading individuals that defined that race, the one who pays for dates, who wanted sex the most, who abuses the most in relationships, the whole shebang. Appropriately, I guess it was socially acceptable for me to slap her for asking that question. Well, it might be socially acceptable HERE. I'm sure as hell not hitting a girl.
"Well... uh... Can I have my money?" Berry looked confused for a second, before comprehension dawned upon her.
"Oh! Yeah! Thish should be enough right?" Twenty bits, not bad! I gave her a nod of approval, and prepared to depart when she put her hoof on my shoulder. "Say..." She finally looked somewhat sober, focusing her eyes on me. "Where are you staying right now? You're new to town, right? But I didn't see anything about somepony new moving in... Are you okay?" Oh, is that all?
"Nah, I'm totally cool man... I got a sweet pad in the park! It's a nice little bench under the stars fam..." Berry paled a little? Why?
Oh right, gender reversal roles.
"No no! Stay here as long as you need! It's the least I can do for a guy as nice and handsome as you!" I'm pretty sure this is a ploy, she WAS offering a place to stay.
"Well... are you sure? I totally don't want to be a burden, man..." Berry gave me a strange look.
"You talk funny." I raised my brows slightly, but nod at her words. "No offense of course! Um, trust me... You're..." She looked me over, a smirk on her face. "...Mmm... Not a burden." I KNEW IT!
Well... at least I have a place to stay...
Author's Note
TO BE CONTINUED!
(When I'm not playing Overwatch)
