One Does Not Simply go for a Walk in the Garden
Author's Note
This is the most clickbaity thing I have ever written and likely ever will write.
I am sorry
(Not Actually Sorry)
One Does Not Simply go for a Walk in the Garden
Princess Celestia trotted happily along the long hallway that bisected her sister Luna’s castle tower. It was not often that Celestia was able to take time away from her royal duties- in fact it was so rare that she had only been able to attend Luna’s birthday celebration last week very briefly- and she wanted to use the time she had today to visit with her beloved sister.
Celestia turned the corner, eyeing the long rays of the late afternoon sun as they filtered in through the window at the end of the side hallway. It would be a few hours until she had to lower the sun, and hopefully she would be able to catch up with Luna in the time that remained today.
That is, if Luna was awake yet.
Celestia nodded at the guards outside Luna’s door and let herself in, slowly opening the gigantic double doors into her sister’s room. She stuck her muzzle into the room and peered around. “Luuunnaaaaa? Your sister is here to say hi!”
Luna’s room was dark. Not that it was usually light, what with all the navy and dark purple aesthetic choices, but the shades had been drawn and the lights were off. The only source of illumination in the room came from a bright screen, in front of which sat the Princess of the Night. She turned slightly to face Celestia. “Oh, it’s you. Hi.”
“I see you’re enjoying that ‘computer’ I got you for your birthday,” Celestia smiled. “I simply went to the pony in the blue shirt at the tech mart and told him to find the best computer for those ‘video games’ you like so much.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Oh sister, you’re so out of touch. Thank you though, this computer is almost perfect. I have powned many noobs at 60 frames per second. The only thing wrong is that it doesn’t have an AMD processor.”
Celestia’s eyes glanced around the room, bored. “I have no idea what any of that means.” Her gaze returned to Luna. “Anyway, I wanted to know if you would like to take a walk in the garden and have dinner with me? I was able to escape from court early and wanted to spend time with my baby sister.”
“Absolutely,” Luna said, turning back to her computer, “but I have to do a few things here first. Come in, come in.”
Celestia stepped into the room and closed the door behind her as Luna slouched over her keyboard, wrapped in her comforter.
Celestia’s ears perked up as she heard a strange noise emanating from Luna’s monitor. It was unnerving, but strangely soothing. Celestia tilted her head as she attempted to place the sound. Was it… music?
“Luna, are you playing elevator music?”
Luna scoffed indignantly and heartily at her sister’s suggestion. “Are you serious? This is Vaporwave.”
“What-wave?”
Luna furrowed her brow. “新しい日の誕生.”
Celestia scrunched up her muzzle in confusion. “Come again?”
Luna cleared her throat. “BIG MACINTOSH PLUS- リサフランク420 /現代のコンピュー.”
“Luna, what? I can’t understand you. Why are you playing elevator music?”
Luna shook her head. “Just…Just sit down until I’m done here. I have to respond to an ungrateful whelp who dared to question my 1337 sk1llz on a forum.”
Celestia brought over a chair and sat down obediently, watching her sister furiously type away on the keyboard. “Wow Lulu, you’re pretty fast at making those clickety-clackers move!”
Luna tensed up as her sister talked. She stopped typing and turned to face Celestia, scowling. Without looking at the keyboard, she hit backspace several times before turning around again to finish writing her post. She hit enter, and sat back smugly as she observed the screen. “Haha! That should put him in his place."
Curious, Celestia scooted up on her chair behind her sister and rested her muzzle on her shoulder, reading the words on the screen.
What the buck did you just bucking say about me, you little horse turd? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Royal Guards, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Changeling Hives, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in friendship warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire Equestrian armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the buck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this planet, mark my bucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, bucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across Equestria and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re bucking dead, foal. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hooves. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Equestrian Special Forces and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable flank off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your bucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you bucking blankflank. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re bucking dead, kiddo.
Celestia’s eyes widened. “Luna! You can’t use that terrible language, threaten to kill one of our subjects and claim to be a royal guard! Do you know how terrible it will be for me to pull you out of this scandal!?”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Celestia, nopony knows it’s me. I have a screen name.”
Celestia cocked her head. “A screen name?”
Luna took a pencil in her magic and pointed at a small area on the screen to the upper left of her post.
xXxBestPrincess777xXx
Celestia gasped in horror. “Luna! You’ve been putting pornographic content of me on the internet!?”
It was Luna’s turn to be confused. “What? First of all, that’s not what those Xs mean, and second-“
A ding sounded from the computer monitor. Luna immediately halted her explanation and whipped her head around to face the screen. She spent several seconds reading silently before slamming her hoof down on her desk, hard. “THAT WORTHLESS WHELP!” She spun to face Celestia, eyes blazing with righteous fury. “Do you see what they did!?”
Celestia squinted in order to read the new line of text that had appeared on the screen.
P1nkCupcakeLov3r:
Haha lol nice try faggit we all kno u r ghey
Celestia hummed in distaste.
Luna leaped up in a moment of clairvoyance. “Aha! I know how I shall defeat them! There is no way they will come back from this!”
Celestia watched as Luna somehow duplicated the paragraph she had just wrote a number of times, with each appearing in sequence on the page.
“Hah!” Luna cried triumphantly. “Now no one will be able to question my worthiness to join the renowned Clan of FaZe!”
“How did you do that, Luna? It is as if the paragraph was Xeroxed multiple times, and each was attached to the screen with adhesive!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, it has served its purpose. Now, if you will excuse me for just a few minutes, I am a veritable memelord who must perform my duties as admin of the A E S T H E T I C M E M E S F O R A T T R A C T I V E P O N I E S page.”
Celestia chewed on her lip as Luna worked. Celestia had become very worried about how this gift was impacting her sister’s mental well-being. She was acting as if she was Discord! Would Luna’s erratic behavior spill into her government duties? Celestia resolved to write Twilight later, hoping that she would have some insight.
“Done!” Luna exclaimed. “Several dozen posts approved, and three exceedingly dank original memes posted. Excellent work, if I do say so myself.”
Celestia looked at the page as Luna scrolled slowly through it. “Luna, most of these ‘memes’ that you are so proud of are still frames of children’s shows that air on the public network, with a caption that either contains adult subject matter or relates to a tragic historical event.”
“...Yes…And?”
“It makes no sense! Why wouldn’t you pair those statements with a relevant photo, while matching the children’s show with age-appropriate and positive excerpts from the show?”
“J-just…Because that’s how it is!”
Celestia examined the next ‘meme’, which Luna had posted with the header ‘Truuuu. #420’, followed by a number of laughing faces who also appeared to be crying and a pair of clapping hooves. It was a large, rectangular picture of what appeared to be a poster. On the poster, side by side, were pictures of herself and Luna.
BE INFORMED. COMPARE THEM ON THE ISSUES THAT MATTER: DAFT PONY
Celestia read the text under Luna’s picture.
While RAM was certainly an excellent album boosted to prominence by excellent collaborations with McW1sh and DJPON3, Discovery remains the duo’s greatest work. Never again will an album so successfully integrate and reimagine complex samples in such a way as to so reinvent the House genre for the new millennium.
Celestia had heard the name ‘Daft Pony’ before, but that description didn’t make any sense to her. She turned and read the text under her own picture.
I love singing ‘Get Lucky’ in the shower!
“Oooh! They made that song? It’s so catchy! I do sing it in the shower sometimes!”
Luna rolled her eyes and scrolled to the next meme, a heavily filtered photo of a bear superimposed onto an angelic cloudscape.
R.I.P. Harry the Bear, 1999-2016. You left too soon. You were just having a young pony over for a tea party. They should have shot the foal instead.
Celestia was confused by the final clause of the meme but nodded solemnly anyway, placing a hoof on Luna’s shoulder. “I didn’t know that you were upset by that awful tragedy as well. You should pay your respects to Fluttershy the next time you’re in Ponyville.”
Luna thumped her head down onto the desk and groaned loudly.
Celestia used her magic to scroll down the page to the final meme that Luna had posted, which appeared to be a video of one of her video games.
MLG MLP Dopest Noscope Ever!
Celestia clicked play on the video, revealing some footage from a game. The player’s pony was walking forward as some music played. The music slowly increased in volume as the pony ran about, hiding behind walls and performing other such strange behaviors. Another pony appeared on screen, with his back turned to the character.
But my hope will never Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
The player character spun around in place and fired a magical bolt which hit the other pony.
All at once, absolute chaos broke out.
Celestia had to stable herself as horrendous and cacophonous sounds assaulted her ears, while at the same time flashing colors assaulted her retina. A pony seemed to glide across the screen, saying “Wow”, while small bags of chips and sodas from a well-known brand seemed to scatter in all directions to the sound of an airhorn. Shimmering leaves of an illicit substance appeared to rotate in the corners, and hundreds of small white Xs suddenly appeared, accompanied by even more numerous clicking noises.
And then, all of a sudden, the madness stopped. Celestia collapsed onto her haunches and took a deep breath, trying to prevent the epileptic seizure she felt coming on.
Luna had raised her head from the desk and was now looking at her heaving sister. “Too dank for you?” she asked smugly, raising an eyebrow.
Celestia finally caught her breath. “Luna, I don’t know why you do this and I don’t want to know why. Can we please just go and take a stroll through the garden?”
Luna helped her sister to her hooves. “Of course.”
The sisters exited the room, smiling and heading down the corridor to the glass double doors at the far end, which would lead them into the lush gardens of Canterlot’s Castle.
“I’m really glad you came by, sister,” Luna hummed, skipping along. “I so rarely get to see you. I’m also excited to actually spend some time outside!” When she finished speaking, she increased the pace of her skipping, heading for the door. “Here come dat Princess!” she chirped.
There was a flash of golden magic, and suddenly Princess Luna found herself teetering on top of a unicycle, which promptly fell over, smashing her into the hard stone floor.
Luna groaned, looking up to find her older sister standing above her. Her eyes flashed with anger. “Why did you do that!? You…” Luna’s eyes suddenly began to sparkle with understanding as she looked back at the unicycle and to her sister once more. “But…You…”
Celestia smiled down coyly at the crumpled heap of her sister on the marble floor. “O shit…waddup?”
