You Can't Choose Your Family
“There is something I need to tell you, Sunset,” said Princess Celestia.
Sunset Shimmer’s eyes flicked upwards. Her soft cerulean aura gently lowered the mug of cocoa, settling it quietly upon the tea-table that stood between the two ponies. Picking up a nearby hoofkerchief using her magic, she daintily wiped her chocolate-covered lips.
The statement worried Sunset. The last time she had heard those exact words in that exact tone was years ago, not long after her beloved pet gerbil had been eaten by a passing hawk.
“Go on…”
Celestia picked up her teaspoon and silently stirred her cup. “I’m worried it may damage our newly-repaired relationship.”
Sunset bowed her head. Before her self-imposed exile, she had lived under the most clandestine of secrets – being the illegitimate daughter of Equestria’s reigning monarch, she had to endure years of pretending to merely be Celestia’s personal student, while denying her own parentage to the public.
“Mom, whatever you need to tell me, I’m sure it can’t be as bad as stealing a national relic and committing treason just to spite you.”
Celestia chuckled and draped her wing around the unicorn. “Hush. I’ve already said that I’ve forgiven you. You are my daughter, and I will always love you no matter what. Because that’s what family does. None of us are perfect, and we love each other unconditionally, even if we sometimes do things that hurt each other.”
It was only through years of foalhood tutoring in court etiquette that Sunset noticed how oh-so-slightly over-specific Celestia’s words were.
“What do you mean?”
“Yes, well…” said Celestia. She took a deep breath. “I had hoped long ago that we could have had this conversation sooner, but unfortunately it was not possible until very recently.”
Sunset’s ears drooped.
Celestia noticed her expression, but paid it no mind. “Now that you have returned, I feel that you are ready to know the truth. And the truth is that for centuries, I have been making occasional visits to the world that you now call home.”
The revelation made Sunset’s eyes widen in shock. Her mother had always feigned complete ignorance of the mirror’s powers.
“You see,” continued Celestia, “I’ve always been fascinated by the humans’ society, so I made it a point to occasionally catch up on what they were up to. As it turned out, an institution of education had been founded right on the grounds surrounding the portal, so I often mingled with the students there to discuss historical developments.”
Sunset blinked several times. “But… but how did I never hear of this? I think people would talk about seeing the same woman appear every thirty moons asking to chat with teenagers…”
Celestia smiled. “That’s easy, Sunset. Every time I entered the portal, I would first disguise myself with a basic external transformation spell, and whenever I arrived I would always be turned into a humanoid approximation of whatever pony form I took. It was wearing such a disguise on one of my more recent visits that I encountered a particularly brilliant and attractive student at that school.”
“Uh, I don’t like where this is going…”
Celestia sighed. “Sunset, do you remember what I once told you when you first asked about your father?”
Sunset nodded apprehensively. “You said that one day, when I came of age, you would tell me who he was.” Then the implications of the question hit her. “Oh gosh. Ohhhh eww! Do you mean that...”
“Don’t jump to conclusions just yet, Sunset. And calm down, unless you feel that you aren’t mature enough to handle a few unsavory details.”
Sunset bit her lip and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Okay, go on. Tell me about this student. ”
Celestia sighed again, happily this time – a goofy grin spreading across her face as she drew forth the memory. “We met at the school library, and hit it off almost instantaneously. We had so much in common! Both of us were tremendously interested in psychology, sociology and political science. We bonded over our mutual appreciation of tea, our fondness for confectionary treats, and our similar issues with our siblings. And I admit that after only two days, we… well, we became intimate.”
Sunset blanched. “So are you saying that this student… is my father?”
Celestia blinked in surprise, furrowing her brow in thought. “Oh! It just occurred to me how vague my language was. The truth is that on that particular visit, the disguise that I donned…” She paused briefly, embarrassment slowly creeping onto her cheeks.
“…was that of a stallion.”
“Guh!” Sunset choked. She tried to form a coherent reply, but her brain was too busy doing its absolute best to NOPE! its way out of the conclusion at which it had arrived. “Buh…”
“So, in response to your question…” Celestia’s face became very solemn. “…no. I am your father.”
“Muh…” Sunset sputtered, desperately trying to regain control of her basic verbal capacity. “B-but… pregnancy! Portal! Nine months! Oh my gosh, high school… underage!”
Celestia coughed worriedly. “Really? Just about a hundred years ago those same humans were fine with the idea of marrying adolescents…”
“Ghhk!”
“No, I didn’t do that, Sunset. Give your father some credit, will you? In any case, your mother seemed to be a fully independent young mare… lady who could make her own decisions. It was unkind of me to leave her so soon after, but I did have to raise the sun and moon every morning, and sadly the portal closed before either of us could possibly have learned that she was pregnant.”
“H-how did I get to Equestria, then?”
“Well…” Celestia pawed the edge of her cushion nervously. “Thirty moons later, I went back to find your mother. As it turned out, she was still living in the same apartment where you were conceived–”
“NNGHNNGHNNG…"
“Grow, up Sunset. Is it really so surprising that your parents had sex?” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Anyway, it turns out that your mother was in dire financial straits. She was estranged from her only sibling and had no parental support, so when I turned up she very much insisted that I share the burden of your care.
“But…” Celestia frowned. “I had no way at all to make regular contributions for your upkeep. Equestrian bits and gemstones don’t transfer well through the portal, as I’m sure you’ve realized – they become common coins and semiprecious stones. And considering your mother was very much loathe to part with you despite her terrible financial situation, I… well, there’s no easy way to say this. I foalnapped you.”
“Wat.” Sunset said flatly.
“I foalnapped you from your mother,” Celestia repeated.
“What do you mean, foalnapped–”
“Nicked. Filched. Swiped. Pilfered your still-diapered plot right out of her home," said Celestia, in a poor imitation of a Trottingham accent. "I came back on the third day, snaffled you up and ran like the dickens before she could notice.”
“WHY?” shouted Sunset. “Why didn’t you tell her the truth? You could have brought her here, or let her take care of me while you prepared to come back in another thirty moons, or literally ANYTHING other than committing a felony!”
“Look, I can see you are upset, Sunset.” Celestia took a sip from her teacup. “But I had to make a decision on short notice, and I wanted what was best for you. And it’s a good thing I didn’t bring your mother here because… well, that’s the main thing I needed to tell you today.”
Sunset’s gaped. “You mean all that earlier wasn’t it?”
“Not at all. I would imagine that traipsing across dimensions and getting cuddly with the natives would be considered somewhat passé for you by now.”
“NOT IF WE’RE TALKING ABOUT MY CONCEPTION!”
Celestia set her teacup down and sniffed. “Touché. But regardless of that fact, I need to talk to you about who your mother is. It’s very important.”
Sunset settled down, trying to keep her temper in check. “Do tell…” she growled.
“All right. You see, Twilight has recently told me a few details about the human world – specifically, about the town that surrounds the portal’s exit. Details of which I had been hitherto unaware, because I had rarely visited Ponyville prior to Twilight’s recent move there. She told me that the citizens of that human town…”
“…were mirrors of Ponyville’s residents,” Sunset whispered. “Does this mean that in Ponyville there’s an alternate version of my mother?”
“No, Sunset. I’m not sure how to put this… your human mother – I didn’t understand the significance at the time, because I thought it was just a huge coincidence – her name is Celestia.”
“GAAAAAH!” Sunset gulped in several large breaths, frantically trying to prevent herself from fainting on the spot. But on that score her very reason was doing its best to fight her, asserting that the sweet kiss of insensibility would be very, very much preferable to dealing with this right now.
Gradually Sunset’s thoughts untangled into a semblance of coherence, mostly with a focused insistence that she needed to find copious quantities of alcoholic beverages with desperate immediacy. “PRINCIPAL CELESTIA IS MY MOTHER?”
Princess Celestia nodded.
“B-but… how… Does that mean I’m a clone of you? Wouldn’t that make me the most inbred creature in the multiverse? How is my coat not white like yours?” said Sunset, almost gibbering in sheer horror.
Celestia put a hoof on her daughter’s shoulder. “Genetics doesn’t work that way, Sunset. The human Celestia isn’t an exact copy of my human form, after all. She and I are your parents, so you inherited traits from both our families as any child would. And yellow coats are very common in our family. In fact, Luna and I have the most unique coat colorings.”
“S-so when Principal Celestia kept saying that I was like the daughter she never had…”
The alicorn tilted her head and smiled weakly. “She actually meant that you reminded her of the daughter that she did have. Because that's exactly who you are. Haven’t you ever wondered why there was no Sunset Shimmer on the other side of the mirror?”
Sunset quivered in her seat, trying her best to digest what she had been told. Her brain was very much demanding immediate access to heavy doses of medication, a therapist, and a swift blow to the back of the head. “You mean…”
“Yes. My genderflipped statutory-rape selfcest means that you are your own alternate dimensional counterpart!”
“Noooo!”
“Yes. There’s more that you need to be told–” Celestia continued.
Sunset’s self-restraint snapped. She flailed at the air with both forelegs, screaming in frustration. “MORE!? ISN’T ALL THAT ENOUGH ALREADY?”
Her outburst made Celestia withdraw slightly. “I think it’s best if we go through all these dirty secrets at once, so that we can be honest with each other from now on…”
Covering her face with her hooves, Sunset said in a very tight voice, “Please tell me that it’s not worse than you knocking up a human woman and stealing her baby.”
“Err. It’s not worse, no.”
“Oh, good.” Sunset put a hoof on her chest and steadied herself. “That’s… that’s some small consolation, at least…”
“I didn’t steal the baby the second time around.”
“WHAT?” screamed Sunset, incredulously.
“I mean that the day before you were conceived, I might have met another random human lady in a bar…”
“Oh stars, no…”
“…and it turns out you have twin half-brothers. I spoke to their mother, and we agreed that I would take care of one while she raised the other,” said Celestia. She smiled apologetically, refilling her teacup as she did so. “It was already stretching credibility to take in one anonymous foal out of nowhere, so to avoid too much suspicion from the Canterlot press, I kept you, my unicorn daughter, under the pretense of being my future personal student while your pegasus half-brother was placed in the care of one of my trusted guards.”
“…Pegasus?” There was something about the entire affair that strangely reminded Sunset of someone – almost like a mutual acquaintance that Twilight had told her about…
“And anyway, I’ve asked him to come today so that you can meet him.” Celestia’s horn glowed, and the nearby doors swung open.
Sunset’s jaw dropped. Her visage paled dramatically, lower lip quivering as she babbled incoherently at the sight of the new arrival. Standing in the doorway was a very familiar-looking pegasus stallion with an orange coat and electric blue mane.
“Sunset Shimmer,” said Celestia, “this is Lieutenant Flash Sentry, currently assigned to the Crystal Empire.”
Sunset slowly raised a trembling hoof in Flash’s direction. “N-nonononono…” Tears spilled down her cheeks as her other hoof scratched frantically at her mane. “It c-can’t b-be. You… oh my gosh we… bughk… SECOND BASE!”
Celestia arched an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what bridleball has to do with this…”
Sunset curled up into a fetal ball in her seat and rocked herself gently, rubbing her own shoulders with her hooves. “Th-this is not happening… it can’t be… this has to be just a bad dream… Auntie Luna, please, please come save me from this nightmare…”
…
A barely-audible snigger interrupted her delusional trance.
Sunset flicked her head upwards. Princess Celestia and Flash Sentry stood there, both looking as serious as ever, but…
But there was just the vaguest hint of a smile on Celestia’s lips.
The sight made Sunset freeze instantly. She quickly hardened her expression, eyes narrowing with suspicion.
“This was all a prank, wasn’t it.”
The smile broke fully across Celestia’s face. With barely concealed mirth, she turned towards the pegasus guard.
“Thank you, Lieutenant. You are dismissed. Kindly convey my gratitude to Princess Cadance for lending you to me for today.”
Flash Sentry saluted briskly and expressionlessly, before backing out of the room and closing the doors behind him. Once the clack of the handle told Sunset that they were once again alone, she turned towards the tittering Princess in irate indignation.
“He’s not my brother.”
Celestia nodded, giggling madly. “Of course he’s not. Flash Sentry’s real father is a relatively unknown author of several awful romance novels. Apparently his special talent is in creating characters devoid of personality. And I’ve never met his human counterpart, either – though from what Twilight tells me, you certainly have.”
Sunset’s cheeks suddenly felt very hot. She told herself that she really should have expected this: her entire foalhood had been a long series of escalating prank wars with Celestia, back before Sunset’s unreasonable ambition had soured their relationship. But now she just felt a tremendous sense of relief.
“Oh… oh, gosh. You really got me good.” Sunset began to chuckle weakly. Yeah, Celestia had really put one over her this time…
She slouched down in her seat, suddenly feeling very tired. “I can’t believe I actually fell for that bit about you sleeping with Principal Celestia.”
Princess Celestia’s fit of laughter gradually settled into a peaceful smile. The alicorn gazed serenely into Sunset’s eyes and slowly shook her head.
The way that Celestia was looking at her made Sunset very nervous. It didn’t feel much like a joke at all.
“No, Sunset,” said Celestia. “Everything I told you about your mother is the honest truth.” She then broke into a big smile. “But don’t you feel a lot better now that you know you hadn’t been dry-humping your own half-brother?”
