Double Vision

by EveningShadows

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Drama, Original Character, Comedy, Rarity, Adventure, Sex, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 32188

A human of low character dies and gets sucked into Equestria as a copy of Twilight. The new mare then proceeds to cause chaos for the ponies, but she tries to help... and, more importantly, make some money

Twilight Sparkle has ascended to alicornhood. It's the proudest moment of her life. The happiest moment in Celestia's recent memory. But not all is as it's supposed to be. A second star appears just after her ascension. When it lands an exact copy of Twilight as a unicorn is revealed.

A human goes skydiving for the first time. Unfortunately, his parachute has some difficulties. After a hard landing and a second, slower fall he finally makes it to the ground safely. Now in the form of a purple unicorn he has one question. Does catastrophic brain trauma carry into the next life?

Sex tag for vulgarity
Featured Feb 6, 2017

Published 2017-02-06 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-10 16:37:42 UTC

The New Girl

The New Girl

Twilight stayed silent through the train ride to Canterlot. Spike had tried to have a conversation with her but eventually he gave up and took a nap. All she could think about was the letter she'd gotten from Celestia. Her copy had woken up after sleeping for two days. She'd apparently demanded a giant mirror and spent her time admiring herself and prancing about until the princesses had interrupted her. Weird. Weird. Weird. This whole thing is just too weird.

Her mentor said her copy started calling herself Athena Sparkle after learning how she'd been.. created. Such a weird name. Thankfully Celestia had been able to convince her to take 'Athena' as a middle name and pick a normal pony name as her first. She'd gone with 'Sunrise' but only begrudgingly. That wasn't the worst of it. She'd been calling herself a princess, and reminding everypony below her station of her title if they forgot it. Celestia and Luna had objected at first but had apparently been out-argued by Sunrise. Something about being her twin and therefore a member of the royal family.* The sisters had lost the argument so badly to the new mare that she ended up with a royal stipend, an expense account and her own personal guard squad just so she'd stop pestering the princesses for ponies to rule over and to be made the princess of something.** "I still only have my student's stipend... No royal stipend. No expense account. No guard," Twilight grumbled to herself. Not that she wanted guards, or had even thought about the other perks. She was just upset that this other mare had gotten them. "I'm not even the princess of anything.. And I don't rule over anypony. Why would she get that stuff if I don't have it..."

*Luna had tried to tell Sunrise that she was not anyone's twin, she was a clone, but the mare had indignantly countered that she was an 'artificial twin of magical origin' and being referred to as a clone was 'so deeply offensive that only the rudest of scoundrels from centuries passed would even think such a word.' That'd shut Luna up. After the clone argument had been dropped it'd been fairly simple to begin demanding privileges and the royal sisters had to go into full damage control mode.
**Sunrise had recommended that she be made either The Princess of Snark or The Princess of Beating Other Princesses At Arguments.

After a long session of grumbling Twilight eventually moved to the other issue that was bothering her. "A sister? A twin, no less. How could this have possibly happened... What will my mother say?"* She stared at her reflection in the window. She thought of all the fun they could have had if they were real twins and all the fun they could have now. As the hours passed she grew more and more eager to meet this new twin of hers. By the time the train stopped in Canterlot she was practically humming with excitement and a little anxiety.

*She would say, "Twilight, really? This is the second child you've brought home to me."

"Spike," she said, shaking the dragon gently, "Time to wake up."

"Five more minutes," he grumbled.

"Come on, Spike," Twilight smiled warmly, "don't you want to meet your new sister?"

Twilight and Spike were escorted to the castle dining room. They walked in to the princesses chatting amicably to a mirror image of the purple mare. The copy saw them coming in and smiled widely. The two trotted towards each other, when they met they began to circle around each other looking for any details that would differentiate them other than the wings and general height difference. Once they were satisfied they stopped to stare at each other. They were silent for a moment until Sunrise broke into a sultry smirk, "Hey there, sexy."

"Wha--I-You think I'm sexy?" Twilight sputtered.

The other mare started laughing, "No, I think I'm sexy!"

"But we look the same!" Twilight shouted in exasperation.

"Yeah and it's really rude of you to steal my look like that. Obviously one of us needs to change," Sunrise said with a smug look on her face

Twilight's eye twitched, "You're joking," she said flatly.

Sunrise beamed, "Yup!"

"That wasn't funny," the alicorn grumbled.

"It kinda was," Spike said.

"See!" Sunrise said, "he gets it! Put 'er there, dude." She held a hoof out and the dragon gave her a fist bump.

"Why would you even say something like that?" Twilight half-growled. "I thought we were having a moment."

The unicorn rolled her eyes, "It's an icebreaker! Also 'cause you know what they say, twincest is wincest."

Twilight let out a groan.

"Worry not, Twilight," Luna said with a laugh, "she just likes to make an impression, but she gets better." She hadn't gotten better, Luna had just gotten used to her.

Sunrise smiled wickedly, "You think I'm just teasing, Lulu, but they also say princest is wincest."

"WHO SPREADS SUCH LIES?!" the princess shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice, deadening every ear in the room.

"Your loving subjects!" Sunrise shouted, having no idea if she was being loud or if she was whispering.

"You lie, mare! I would wager on it!" Luna growled loudly, but she, at least, wasn't shouting anymore.

A calculating look appeared on Sunrise's face, which she desperately tried to suppress, as a scheme flashed like lightning through her mind. "I'm willing to bet Twilight's bottom bit that graffiti can be found that says just that!" she worded very carefully and said a silent prayer of thanks that she'd seemingly gotten more than just her twin's good looks.

"Did somepony say my name?!"

"It is a deal!"

Twilight felt a shiver run up her spine, "I feel like something horrible just happened!" she shouted, thinking she'd whispered to herself.

The group had taken their seats and ordered their meal. Sunrise had decried the lack of soy made meat imitations and had to settle for a salad. Being in need of some familiar comfort food, she was about ready to demand a hamburger but figured that she shouldn't risk being known as some sort of cannibal seeing as she didn't know what the social mores said about eating meat.

"Okay, so what's with the name 'Athena' anyway?" Twilight asked, breaking through the general chatter they'd been engaged in since ordering. It'd been on her mind ever since she'd gotten that letter.

The royal sisters let out a long groan and the purple unicorn grinned like a shark who'd found a pack of injured seals.

"I wish you hadn't asked," Luna said morosely.

"Of course I'm going to ask! It's so weir-- I mean, unique!" Twilight glanced at her twin to see if she'd been offended but the mare with still smiling in anticipation.

"Ya! I want to know too!" Spike interjected.

"It's just that we've heard this story three times and she tells it exactly the same way every single time," Celestia said with a sigh.

"Oookay, but I'm still curious."

"Trust us," Luna intoned, "You shall regret it."

"Alright, enough whining. It's story time now," Sunrise said while rubbing her hooves together.

"And so, just as Athena was born fully-formed from the head of Zeus, I was born fully-formed from the head of Twilight. And just as Athena took with her the knowledge and wisdom of Zeus, leaving the wise god but a meathead, I took with me the knowledge and wisdom of Twilight, leaving her but an egg head without a yolk," Sunrise finished dramatically with one hoof held high above her head.

Twilight sat with her mouth agape, "That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And it makes no sense! How do you eat a pregnant mare and then have the child get born by splitting the father's head open with an axe?! And you're saying this Zeus survives?! Ridiculous!"

The unicorn smiled serenely, "Oh, sister dear, I know I took with me your knowledge and wisdom.. and probably most of your thinky-bits, but fear not, your loving sister can think for the both of us now!"

The young alicorn froze. "Are you telling me that you made me sit through that ludicrous fable," she growled, "that you named yourself something so silly, just so you could make a joke at my expense?"

"I'm telling you that it is a little true," Sunrise held her hooves close together, "Like this much."

"Gah!" Twilight shouted and threw her forelegs into the air, "Why is this happening?" she questioned the heavens. "Why couldn't I have gotten a normal clo- magical twin?"

With the rest of the table chuckling, Sunrise struck a philosophical tone, "Well, Twi, if I was just like you, what would be the point of me being here?"

The mare had her head resting against the wooden dining table in a look of worn out defeat, "And now she suddenly decides to make sense," she grumbled.

Sunrise briefly considered quoting Discord but decided that she'd better not risk it. "See, I think this proves my point. You should only make sense when it's to your advantage and if I hadn't taken your thinky-bits you'd have recognized that it was an old myth." She reached across the table and laid her hoof on top of the other mare's. "So from now on let's just say I'm the brains and you're the brawn."

Twilight rolled her eyes, "It's no myth I've ever heard of." The mare perked up and curiosity showed in her eyes, "Where did you learn it?"

The unicorn smiled, happy to lay down another cover lie, "Well, while I do have some chunks of your knowledge and whatnot I think I mostly just got the basics. I think a lot of the remaining brain space just got filled in with random junk info from," she twirled a hoof, "the ether or whatever." The reality was that while she'd been a human child she'd had a big book of mythology, but they didn't need to know that.

"Fascinating," the alicorn had somehow acquired a notebook and quill, "so your theory is that information has some sort of existence somewhere and your creation somehow tapped into that info?"

"Well let's not get hasty. I have a tentative hypothesis that I got a brain with a similar capacity to yours but with a lot of empty space, so that created a vacuum which pulled in a bunch of random information. Odd foreign mythology being among that info."

Twilight was writing furiously in her notebook and mumbling to herself. Something about redefining the entire field of epistemology. "We'll need to run tests, of course," she said to herself, "lots of tests. Oooh, this will be so great!"

"Sounds fun as a barrel of monkeys," Sunrise said through a mouth full of salad, "We'll call it," she twirled a hoof as she swallowed, "Sparkle Sister's Science Session."

"Huh?" Twilight looked up from her sheet of notes, blinking owlishly. She hadn't noticed lunch had been brought in. "Yeah.. that does sound like fun." She smiled, put away her notes, chowed down, and joined the conversation that'd been going on without her.

Unfortunately, the mares weren't able to spend the day together. Twilight needed to dig her way through a two foot stack of paperwork in order to be legally declared a Princess. The stuff was complex enough that it couldn't simply be filled out at her home, but would require a team of bureaucrats to help her wade through the mess of red tape and addendum forms. Every page needed to be filled out with exacting detail, including a section on her genealogy going back as far as historically possible. The Sparkle family had a long documented history in Canterlot so a separate team had been hired earlier by Celestia to do the arduous research. To slow down the process, every page had to be filled out in Twilight's own hoof (or horn).

Sunrise had wanted to get started on her own paperwork as well, to make sure no one could dispute her position later, but Celestia shut her down arguing that her claim on princesshood couldn't be processed or accepted until Twilight's coronation. Sunrise grumbled something about being 'conned into peasanthood' and her paranoia fired up, demanding she start plotting to keep a hold on her newly acquired status.

She ended up spending the day at the library with Spike. He was a shockingly good assistant for someone so young. He helped her find all the books she'd need to fully integrate herself with the Equestrian culture, mostly books on history and society.

"Okay, Spike," Sunrise said after about an hour of gathering a stack of volumes she'd be taking back to her room, "I think that's about enough to start with. I didn't come here just to learn history. I've got a research project in mind. You've been a lot of help so far and I don't think I can do it without you," she said.

"Really? You think so?" Spike said.

"That's right," Sunrise gave the drake a pat on the head, "You're really good at this library stuff. I've got some really important work to do and you're just the drake to help me." Flattery always works.

Spike mouthed the words 'really important' before he enthusiastically, and in a library-inappropriate level of voice, said, "Yeah! I can do that!" The drake pumped his fist in the air and ran off into the shelves.

"Err... Spike?"

After a few seconds the dragon popped his head out from behind a shelf with a sheepish look, "Um. What were we looking for again?" he said.

Sunrise smiled at his antics and trotted over to him so he wouldn't have to do a walk of shame, "Remember that bet I made with Luna?"

"Uh huh."

"Well we need to figure out what she actually has so I can ask for it when I win," Sunrise said.

"Isn't that a little mean?" Spike said with a skeptical look.

Sunrise gave a fake gasp, "Oh no! This is just a fun little bet between mares. It's not mean at all!"

"Weeell, okay," Spike said with hesitation. "I guess I can help if it's just for fun."

"That's what I like to hear!"

With Spike doing most of the gathering and Sunrise doing most of the reading they were making decent progress but there was still a lot of obscure information to pour through. They didn't have access to any tax filings or official state documents but there was still plenty of information out there about what Luna owned privately. While she found a number of properties she would love to get a hold of, Sunrise was looking for a big score. Something that wouldn't just bring in money but could give her influence. She kept playing back Celestia's words from earlier. 'Claim on princesshood' was repeated over and over, each time sounding more sinister and more like a threat. She kept her head enough to know that she'd never been this obsessive about something, although she had been given to the occasional bout of paranoia.*

This little obsessive streak is just from the stress of coming to Equestria and... Well I'm not going to think about that. But it's totally normal to be a little bit loopy after everything, she said to herself, There's nothing to worry about, except that maybe Celestia doesn't want me to be royalty. But I'll just have to make sure I get that crown. After all, what would even be the point of living here if I don't get to live in luxury?

They continued their research well into the evening until finally Sunrise found something that caught her eye. They were both harried but the mare in particular wasn't doing well. Her mane was sticking out at odd angles and she was clearly showing signs of being overworked. She reread the line a few times until she broke out into a wicked smile. "Spike!" she yelled into the shelves. "I think I found it!" Fortunately there wasn't any staff nearby to glare balefully at her.

The drake jogged out from the forest of shelving, "Really? I thought we'd never find anything," he said.

"We've practically struck gold!" Sunrise said giddily. "Look at this," she pointed at a line in the book, "apparently Luna owns a bar called 'The Lunatic's' and it's in the castle. Looks like it was Celestia who put it in but she gave it to Luna when she got back."

"Why would you want a bar?" Spike asked, confusion plain on his face.

Sunrise chewed on her hoof for a moment, "I suppose you're mature enough," the dragon beamed, "I'm willing to bet that every single important thing that happens in this castle is spoken about in that bar. That means I'll have a line on everything happening in the government and probably in the city. Plus, I bet everypony who's anypony goes to that bar and I'll be able to meet them."

Spike, still confused, was starting to look worried. "Why would you want that?"

Mm... To a kid that probably sounds like something a villain would do. Sunrise thought through a few justifications before picking one. "Spike. Twilight's really great, right?" she said.

"Well yeah."

"And Shining and Cadance are great too, right?"

"Sure..."

"And you're the hero of the Crystal Empire!"

"I guess so..." Spike said with a blush, kicking his foot against the carpet.

"Well I want to be great too. I don't want to be the disappointment of the family." Spike cringed at that. Got him, she thought. "But I'm not a great mage, or the captain of the guard, or the princess of love," she put a hoof under his chin and pushed his face up so he'd look into her eyes, "or even a dragon hero. I want to do great things for Equestria, just like you and the rest of our family," she said with a special emphasis on 'our.' She pulled back her hoof and watched the setting sun through a window in a way that, she hoped, would look thoughtful. "But in order to be great I have to do some things that may not seem noble at the time but they're things that somepony needs to do for Equestria. I need to know what's happening, even if it means eavesdropping, and I need a place to meet all the important players, even the ones who aren't good ponies. For that I need the bar."

Spike was silent for a few moments. "I guess that makes sense..." he said.

"I knew you were old enough to understand," Sunrise said.

Spike puffed out his chest, "I'm just happy I could help."

"I couldn't have done it without you," Sunrise gave the dragon a pat on the head. "I bet Twilight's wondering where we are. How 'bout I take you to her room... little bro."

Spike's eyes lit up, "Okay... big sis."

*Sunrise would never admit it but back when she was a human she'd believed every new conspiracy theory s/he heard, at least for a few days until the ridiculousness of the idea became overwhelming. Even the silly ones.
As a teenager he'd believed the chemtrail one for three whole days, the one where the they were spraying toxic chemicals all over the world, particularly mercury, so that the only crops people would be able to grow were from Monsanto brand seeds resistant to the soon to be toxic soil. The seeds would be infertile so that farmers would have to pay Monsanto every year for a new batch, then control over the world's food production would be complete.
When he'd learned that reptile-like aliens were taking over the world governments by replacing politicians with copies who looked the same but were really lizard people with fake human skin, he'd spend a frantic night of internet research until he finally fell asleep looking at videos of politicians eyes flashing, which was proof they'd been replaced. He woke up the next morning feeling terribly embarrassed and has since tried to suppress the memory.
One memory he could never suppress was the time he went to the Grand Canyon as a boy and saw something weird in the caves lining the canyon. That night he'd dreamt that what he'd actually seen was a six foot tall, robot on thick treads with glowing red eyes sunken into a triangular head. Later, he couldn't remember what was a dream and what was real and spent the occasional childhood night fearing the inevitable assault of the robot-mole-people.
As a pony princess she was hoping to put her paranoid tendencies behind her, but prospects were doubtful.

After dropping Spike off the mares ended up chatting for a bit, mostly it was Twilight complaining about her trial by bureaucracy. Spike did a bit of bragging about being a 'number one assistant.' Sunrise was quite free in her praise even in front of Twilight, who worried the dragon was getting a big head. The alicorn was, of course, curious about what they'd been researching but was told it was a surprise. Sunrise was certain she'd be interrogating Spike later but was confident she'd convinced him of the importance of keeping it a secret for a few days. She didn't give Twilight enough credit, as the mare respectfully let the topic drop and didn't try to pry answers out of Spike.

After their chat, Sunrise found her way to The Lunatics and checked the place out. It was happily busy with ponies of all sorts chatting freely. Guards, castle staff, and even nobles congregated in their groups, mostly separately, to discuss their long days. It was better than she'd even imagined.

Sunrise figured she may as well pick up something to drink while she started on the books she'd gotten in the library. She got a bottle of whiskey and, before she paid, she saw that they also sold cigarettes. When she saw her old standby for dealing with stress, she almost jumped across the counter to get at them. She kept her cool, though, and hurried back to her room to spend some quality time with her new find.

Stunning Shield flew along his usual patrol route above the castle when he heard a low voice singing. "Nopony should be up at this hour..." he said to himself, "Better check it out." It didn't take him long to find himself flying above, and out of sight of, one of the guest room balconies. He saw a lavender mare standing against the railing with her hooves hanging over it. In one hoof she held a glass and in the other a lit cigarette. There was a half empty bottle on the floor by her rear hooves and the railing held a tray with a number of put out butts.

"Princess Twilight?" he whispered.

The mare hummed an unfamiliar tone before singing softly, "Hang my head, drown my fear~. . . Till you all just disappear~. . ."

The mare set her glass down and wiped at her eyes. She took a puff and watched the smoke fade into the night.

"No... That must be Princess Sunrise."

"Black hole sun, won't you come~. . . And wash away the rain~. . ."

"I'd better give her some privacy," the guard said quietly before resuming his patrol.

Author's Note

Thanks to my proofreader CitrusFizz

The Bad Girl

"That went surprisingly well," Twilight said cheerfully as she walked down a brightly lit Canterlot street with Spike and Sunrise in tow. They'd been able to spend most of the day hanging out and they'd just finished a wonderful dinner at the Sparkle residence. Twilight had been expecting to be continually embarrassed for her new sister but she'd been on her best behavior. Her parents had loved the new mare's company and, as an added bonus, her mom had only been a little sarcastic. The new member of her family was practically glowing with the feeling of acceptance. She just wished Shining and Cadence could have made it on such short notice.

"Yeah, I thought it was gonna be a disaster," Spike added.

"Oh, ye of little faith. I told you I was a people per-" Sunrise suddenly stopped and stared blankly at the twinkling stars, "a pony person- people pony- pony pony..." she trailed off.

"Uh, Sunrise?" Spike asked, waving a claw in front of her. She just mumbled to herself with wide, unfocused eyes.

"Huh? Oh, sorry I blanked out for a second there. I was just saying I'm good with ponies," she said letting out a prideful smile, which turned into a smirk, "unlike some ponies we know."

The drake put a claw over with mouth to cover a guilty chuckle.

"Huh?" Twilight looked back at the pair, "What were we talking about?"

"Mmm, I was just wondering what we were going to do next," the unicorn said beginning to walk again, "I was thinking maybe you should take me out drinking."

"D-drinking? Why?" Twilight sputtered.

"What better way to get to know the city than a bar crawl? Plus we could use some one on one bonding time."

"A bar crawl? Seriously?" she asked, distaste clear in her voice.

"Aww.. You don't want to have bonding time with your little sister?" the mare widened her eyes and put a tremble to her lips. The effect was mostly ruined by her ears staying rigidly pointed upward before her brain caught up and she flattened them backwards.

"You're really going to have to stop doing that," Twilight said blankly.

"It's these stupid ears, you know? I just don't know what to do with them," Sunrise said as she looked up at them and flicked one with her hoof.

"I meant lying with your face," Twilight said, twirling a hoof in a circle towards her twin's head.

"But--!"

"Hey, wait!" Spike interrupted, "How are we gonna have one on one bonding time if you're going to a bar!"

"We're not going to a bar," Twilight said firmly.

"Because it'll be after your bedtime and we'll hang out in the morning," Sunrise said, ignoring her twin.

"Well I guess that's okay then..." Spike got a pat on his head from the unicorn.

"I don't want to go to a bar. Couldn't we bond at the library?" Twilight said.

Sunrise rolled her eyes, "How are we supposed to chat if we're reading? Besides I want to see your favorite drinking spot."

"But I don't drink!" Twilight yelled, feeling like she was already being dragged to some skeevy tavern.

Sunrise halted then. Her eyes were wide and she looked as though she'd been stricken. Twilight thought this was another pose but it displayed a genuine sadness. The new mare put a comforting hoof on her sister, "That's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my live, but don't worry, sis, I shall teach you the ways of the bottle."

"You're not even a week old!" Twilight said in exasperation. "And how would you know--"

"I guess we don't have to take a night on the town," Sunrise interrupted quickly, "we'll just go to the castle bar," She sighed and thought through how she'd enact what she was planning now that Twilight wouldn't be drunk... and now that they wouldn't have an alibi. She couldn't think of anything.

"The castle doesn't have a bar!" Twilight said indignantly.

"Of course it does," Sunrise said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Why would it have a bar? I mean I'm sure they have alcohol in storage for feasts and visiting dignitaries but I just don't see a need for a bar. Wouldn't that be bad for a soldier's discipline?"

"The bar isn't for the soldiers, it's for Celestia."

"What!" Twilight shouted indignantly, "Celestia doesn't drink!"

"If our glorious ruler of a thousand years doesn't have a bar over flowing with the best booze money can buy I'll eat my tail!" Sunrise announced with a hoof held high in the air.

"Hmph, I just can't see the princess anywhere near a bar," Twilight said, ignoring her sister's enthusiasm.

Spike looked on in wide eyed fascination at this glimpse into the adult world. He, of course, knew about the bar and began to speak up but was silenced with a look from Sunrise.

"Tell you what, if the castle has a bar you'll come drinking with me, and drink as much as I want you too. If it doesn't I'll give you one favor, absolutely anything you ask for," Sunrise smirked arrogantly in the hopes of projecting a foolish overconfidence. She figured it'd work better than a poker face since Twilight was smart enough to get fooled by a double bluff. If deceit was the only way she'd get Twilight to drink with her then that's the way she'd go.

"Hmm," the alicorn carefully weighed the odds and her risk versus a priceless favor. To her, getting drunk at a bar would be a harrowing experience... But it couldn't be that bad if it was Celestia's bar. In the end she decided to side with her faith in her mentor's peerless character. "Alright, you've got yourself a deal!"

Sunrise successfully resisted the urge to cackle maniacally and they shook on it.

On their way to the castle Sunrise finally made up her mind on what she needed to do. There was just no way they'd be able to sneak out of the castle without being seen, she'd just have to convince Twilight while she was sober. She stopped the group, "Hold up guys, since we're not going out tonight I've got to make a stop," she said pointing to a nearby convenience store.

"Err.. Okay," Twilight said.

Sunrise jogged in leaving the other two in the street. "What do you think she's doing in there?" Spike asked.

"I haven't the faintest idea. Restroom, maybe?"

They were left to wonder until their companion jogged out of the store holding a small bag of goods.

"What's all this for?" the other mare asked.

"Well," Sunrise said, putting on a beatific smile. "I figured since we've just enjoyed a warm family meal, why not give thanks and feed a homeless pony? We should always help out those less fortunate than ourselves, right?"

By this point Twilight had learned that whenever her sister started making facial expressions, or worse, poses, trouble was incoming. Spike had learned that fun was incoming. But having no argument she followed her sister's lead.

"Now then, where is the nearest underpass on the way to the castle?" Sunrise said, looking like the very picture of innocence.

Eventually they came to a stallion who looked to be in dire straights, "Hey, how about that guy?" Twilight asked, eager to get this escapade done with before her sister would do something the alicorn would regret.

"Nah, he might just be a sad looking normal guy, to be sure we've gotta find somepony sleeping under a bridge or something," Sunrise said, trying to sound reasonable.

"But he's wearing a potato bag!" Twilight whisper-shouted.

"Besides, we don't want to be seen doing it. If we get credit for it then it's to our advantage and not a selfless act, right?" Sunrise gave the best excuse she could muster, hoping it wasn't too weak.

"I- I guess," Twilight was a bit flabbergasted by this, she'd been expecting an angle but her suspicions were starting to make her feel guilty.

Spike, who'd been wide-eyed many times tonight, was wide-eyed again, with admiration. "Wow, sis! You're so cool!"

"I know," Sunrise smiled and waved a hoof in a modesty that contradicted her words.

Twilight rolled her eyes.

When they'd come to their underpass the unicorn carefully scanned the environment, "Okay, looks like we've got our stallion. Stay close you two and let me do the talking."

The two natives followed behind the foreigner, looking nervous as new born rabbits. Sunrise adapted the countenance of a nun, the nice kind, as best she could. "Excuse me, sir?"

"Hmf?" the stallion grumbled looking up, "This some kin'a hobo bash? Ya look like rich folks lookin' for a thrill," he said dryly.

"Oh, no," Sunrise laughed lightly, Spike and Twilight looked aghast, "Just the opposite, rich folks looking to do some charity. I've brought you a meal."

"Really?" the stallion sat up attentively, "Whacha got?"

"I've got a burrito and a 40. What's your name, by the way?" Twilight pricked an eyebrow at that.

"Ya? Ya know what a stallion needs," he said appreciatively. "And it's Thick Stew."

Sunrise took something out of the bag and set it on the ground. "Here you are, Mr. Stew," she said giving the rest of the package to the stallion.

"Thank ya kindly, Miss. Can Ah get your name as well?"

"Oh I wouldn't recommend it," her smile was a bit tight. "The meal comes with some conditions. See I am a rich filly looking for a thrill, but more importantly I want to show my friends here a thrill." The stallion gulped audibly. She leaned forward and held a hoof close to her mouth, "You see, they're a bit new to the whole enjoying life thing," she stage whispered conspiratorially.

Twilight's brain began spinning out of control. Was this some horrid scheme after all? Did Sunrise lead me out here to witness a-a hobo b-b-bash. And she brought Spike out here for it too, where there are no witnesses! Her rear legs began to twitch, trying to decide if she should grab Spike and flee before he could get traumatized or if she should pounce on her own sister. No! she thought, She'd never do something like that! I can't be that wrong about her... can I?

Sunrise brightened back up, "So I would really appreciate it if you could find another spot to sleep for the night. I'd recommend you avoid the area for, say, a week, if you don't want eyes on you," she said glibly, "Oh! And if you were to witness, say, nothing I'd expect you to stay silent about said nothing, seeing as I know your name and am the sort of rich filly who seeks thrills," she finished with her best sweet smile.

The stallion took a moment to ponder her words before nodding thoughtfully. "Understood, Miss. Pleasure doin' business with ya."

"Oh the pleasure was all mine." The stallion quickly gathered his things and walked off the scene. "Have a good night, Mr. Stew!" she said as she waved him off. He grumbled something back which could have sounded vaguely like a good bye.

"Well that was fun," Sunrise turned around to expressions of shock and relief, "always a pleasure to speak with the gemeine volk." She took a moment to stare at her siblings, "What?"

"What! What do you mean what!" Twilight shouted, "F-for a second I thought you were going to hurt that poor stallion..." she finished meekly.

Sunrise looked displeased. "I would never hurt Mr. Stew and I'm offended you'd suggest such a thing."

Twilight wasn't having it. "Then what was all that about," she growled.

"I was just making sure we wouldn't have any witnesses," Sunrise tried to say it in a calming manner.

"W-witnesses!" Twilight voice echoed off the concrete around them.

"Sssshhhh! You're going to draw attention," Sunrise held her hooves up in front of Twilight as if to block any more sound.

Twilight growled. "Explain. Yourself."

"Alright, Twi, I wasn't lying when I said I'd show you two a thrill but I'm afraid you won't like it." She held up a can of what was now revealed to be silver spray paint and shook it. "We're going to commit an act of petty vandalism."

"P-petty what! Are you out of your mind!"

"This is awesome!" Spike interjected.

"Shush you too!" Sunrise shouted as quietly as she could. "You're going to get us caught!" She wiped a hoof across her face in exasperation. "Dear Celestia, you two are bad at this."

Twilight glared. "Okay," she whispered, "why are we under a bridge with spray paint?"

Sunrise resisted the urge to snark, barely. "Remember that bet I made with Luna?"

"Go on..." Twilight growled.

"Well, as it turns out, I didn't bet my bottom bit, I bet yours. So if you don't want to lose everything you own, Luna needs to see a certain sort of graffiti, and we're going to show it to her," Sunrise rushed through the sentence in a silly hope that she could mitigate Twilight's reaction.

"You. Did. What." Twilight said as calmly as she could, which is to say, not calmly at all.

"Look I'm sure we could take it to a court and get the whole bet overruled but that'll be expensive," Sunrise said in an attempt at appeasement, "I'd pay for it all, of course, but unless you want to be in debt while your penniless sister pays you back we have to do this."

Twilight was too angry to even begin to articulate her feelings.

"Hey, I'm not happy about this either. I was hoping we'd be good and plastered before we did this but I didn't count on us drinking at the castle. Turns out we'll be drinking away our nerves later. It should have been a fun moment of sisters bonding over adolescent trouble making, the kind we've missed out on. I wasn't planning on Spike being here either," she waved a hoof at the dragon, who'd somehow gotten his claws on a bucket of popcorn, "but I'm sure it'll be a good moral lesson for him when it all shakes out. Something about not being caught in your own web of schemes."

Twilight put her sister-in-law's breathing exercises to good use. It took some time. "So you're saying you're doing this because we missed out on being teenagers together?"

Sunrise shook her head all too vigorously. "Yes! Yes, that's precisely what I'm saying!"

Her sister let out a long groan, "Couldn't you have just said that's what you wanted to do?"

Because I wish I'd come up with that explanation myself, she thought.

"We could've brainstormed over what we'd do," Twilight held a hoof to her chin and wore a thoughtful look, "Like... we could shelve a book in the wrong place! No... no, too much."

Sunrise groaned. "See this is exactly why I planned it this way, we'd never have ended up doing anything fun if we'd talked about it."

"Alright," Twilight conceded unwillingly, "I guess I see your point."

"Great!" Sunrise picked up the can of spray paint and shook it. "Let's get this done!"

Twilight groaned but capitulated.

It took some time but eventually the words 'Princest is Wincest!' were plastered ten feet tall for anyone to see. Sunrise had made Twilight levitate her rather than the spray can in the hopes of reducing magic residue. She was certain Luna would pull out all the forensic stops for this one and she wasn't sure what tools Equestria actually had to investigate crime. She made sure Spike gathered up every stray kernel and crumb of popcorn and threw it away 6 blocks from the scene of the crime. She hid the spray can in a residential garbage can a few blocks away from that. They took a long route around the city so their trail of clues wouldn't lead to the castle. All through this Twilight was experiencing a criminal high, Spike was pretty pumped too.

"Oh my goodness, I can't believe we did that!" Twilight shouted into the streets.

"Me neither!" Spike was just happy to be included.

"Me three," Sunrise said much less enthusiastically, almost sarcastically. "But you two did well! Especially you, Twi! I couldn't have done it without you."

"Oh my goodness, I can't believe we did that!" Twilight screeched as terror finally found its way into her heart.

"Aaaand here comes the crash," Sunrise rolled her eyes.

"Nonononononono," the mare chanted to herself. She sat down on the curb and wrapped her hooves around her head. "Luna's going to find out and she's going to kill us. And Celestia... when she finds out she'll strip away my princesshood and send me back to magic kindergarten and..." She went on like this.

"Is she always like this?" Sunrise asked Spike.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Does... does it, like, peter out or...?"

"Oh no, it gets worse." Spike held a thousand yard stare as his mind ran through a long line of bad memories. "We should probably do something."

"Err. Right." Sunrise walked up to her panicking sister. She looked like she was falling down an abyss and wouldn't crawl out of it on her own. She began poking her. "Twilight. Twilight. Twi. Twilight. Twi. Twi. Twilight. Twi. Twi. Twilight. Twi. Twi."

Spike wasn't sure if he was still witnessing the adult world.

"What!" Twilight shrieked.

"Chillax, dudette," Sunrise said with a breezy tone.

"Ch-ch-ch-CHILLAX! How am I supposed to chillax when my life is falling apart before me and it's all your fault! And what does that even mean!"

Sunrise glanced at the ponies who'd stopped to look at them. "It's fine, guys, she just has a condition." When they didn't disperse she shouted at them, "I said get, you damn lookie-loos!" That seemed to do the trick, along with a heated glare. She turned back to the panicky, angry mare on the sidewalk. "Twilight look at me. Your life isn't falling apart. Nothing's happened. Nothing will happen. Can you at least wait to panic until something bad actually happens, please?"

"But it's already happened! And Celestia knows. She always knows. I don't know how she does it but she does!" Twilight was nearly hyperventilating.

Sunrise rolled her eyes. "No, Twilight. She doesn't know, she's never known. Even when you were a filly she didn't know. The only thing she knows is what your guilty face looks like. Literally the only thing we have to do to not get caught is keep our cool and stay calm. The only way anyone could possibly punish us for this is if you confess."

"That's it! We'll confess!" Twilight said with wild eyes. "If we confess then maybe Celestia will only take my princesshood and I won't have to go to magic kindergarten!"

"Twilight, look at me. We're not doing that," she said as firmly as she could.

"You're right! We can't do that. Celestia would never look at me the same way... I know! We'll have to clean it up ourselves and hunt down anypony who saw it and you'll talk to them like you talked to that hobo-"

"Mr. Stew."

"-and then they'll be too scared to say anything! It's the perfect solution!" Twilight's eyes were filled with a manic hope.

Sunrise let out a long sigh. "Okay, Twi, so your plan to not get punished for petty vandalism is to walk around Canterlot intimidating random ponies who might be witnesses, which I'll remind you, is a real crime with real punishments."

Twilight looked like a deer caught in headlights. Her eyes darted around as though they were looking for a possible solution but with each passing second it seemed further from her grasp. Then she focused on her sister's warmly smiling face and asked in a quiet voice, "What are we going to do?"

"So glad you asked. But first, do you promise to do everything I tell you and nothing more?" Sunrise wasn't too worried about her sister spilling the beans but she was worried about her panicking and doing something crazy to avoid suspicion. "Especially nothing more," she reaffirmed.

"Y-yes," Twilight said with hesitation

"Okay, good. Now, what we're going to do is walk into the castle and pretend nothing happened. Then you'll put Spike to bed and we'll go drinking, it'll calm your nerves, and we'll continue to pretend nothing happened. And then we'll wake up and have breakfast with Celestia and Luna, and this is the most important part, we'll pretend nothing happened. Understand?" Sunrise said firmly.

"Okay..." Twilight said, worry clear in her tone.

"Good. Now let's go," Sunrise smiled at her sister.

As they started their trek back to the castle Spike kept glancing over at the two. Sunrise noticed and winked at him.

Twilight was mostly calmed down by the time they reached the castle but the moment she saw the guards her heart rate spiked. "Pretend nothing happened. Pretend nothing happened. Pretend nothing happened," she whispered to herself.

"Greetings Princess Twilight, Princess Sunrise, Honored Spike!" A guard said.

"Hello boys," Sunrise said as they walked by. "Keep up the good work." Once they got out of hearing range she said to Twilight, "See, nothing happened. And if we stay calm, nothing will."

"Okay... I think I can do this," she said breathing slowly.

"Good. I'll meet you outside your room. Wear something nice," Sunrise said and waved them off.

The new mare didn't know how to do her own makeup, let alone how to do it on a pony's face, so she borrowed a maid to help her put on something light. She made her ad hoc stylist give her that wingtip eyeliner style that'd been popular on Earth. She also borrowed a fashionable cowl, the kind she'd seen women in starbucks wear. She took a moment to check herself out in the mirror before heading to meet Twilight. When she got to her room she found her sister nervously peering out from a proper formal dress.

"Well you look... nice," Sunrise said slowly.

"Y-you think so?" Twilight said, her nervous look turning to one of optimism.

"Yup."

"It's not too much?"

"Oh it's way too much, you're going to have to change," Sunrise said, then added, "Still looks good though."

"Err. Thanks."

It took a while to get Twilight ready again but eventually she got her into a sundress. She also raided her sister's closet, which the always prepared mare had stocked nicely. After a brief chat about what constitutes lingerie Sunrise had to forgo the socks for a skirt and matching top. She didn't know why Twilight had brought something she couldn't wear in public and she didn't ask. After a half an hour of digging through the closet she was starting to understand why it took women so long to get ready.

"More Mai Tais!" Sunrise said too loudly. She'd had a few and while Twilight wasn't keeping up she'd moved beyond her early hesitation. They weren't drunk yet but they were making progress.

"Yes! More intoxicants!" Twilight said with red-cheeked cheer.

When Sunrise got her new glass she leaned back in her bar stool and took a long draught. "So like, do you want to say big words all the time and you have to suppress it?"

"Nope. I'm only sesquipedalian when I want to be," Twilight said with a smirk.

"Boo!" Sunrise wrapped her hooves around her ears, "Your sissydandelioning is gonna give me a headache!"

"You mean a neuralgia?" Twilight said, hiding her expression behind her drink.

"Oh enough!" Sunrise said, throwing up her hooves in exasperation. "Lemme show you how it's done."

"Oh, I've got to hear this," Twilight said in anticipation.

Sunrise wiggled in her seat and fixed up her posture, sitting like a proper educated lady. She coughed into her hoof a couple times and then held it against her chest. She held her head high and projected a mockery of the prideful academic. "Allow me, dear sister, to spit a thesis," she spoke each word slowly and deliberately to suppress any slurring. "The mind is inherently capricious and malleable. All species under the heavens suffer from this same critical malfunction. A supposition can be so weakly held that it will shift with every new word spoken. In contrast, a conception may be so deeply adhered to that the psyche will not budge from its position, regardless of reason and logic, even in the face of physical danger the ego may remain intractable. Thus, all truth is derived non-rationally and is therefore relative. Absolute truth cannot be known, at least not with any veracity. Therefore we know that although we may seek authenticity in perspective, we are not capable of it. As per the context of the mind, only the narrative exists. The narrative is what makes sense of what is, the story that defines the world. We peer at reality, not clearly, but through stained glass. Each pane highlighting and obscuring what is. Thus, the great strength and great weakness of the mind is that we may not holistically know reality but must parse our way through it. And so I conclude that the mind is a post-modern institution in which fact can hold no fortification!" She finished with a enthusiastic flourish.

"Bravo!" Twilight shouted and clapped, briefly piercing the din. "To counter your well put postulation, I shall propose two truths we can know with veracity. It is based on the evidence that I barely understood a thing you said!" she said with a laugh, "The first is that you made a proper speech, worthy of university. The second is that I have had too much!"

The mares giggled and clinked their glasses.

"So do you have any plans for the future?" Twilight asked after a short lull.

"Bleh! I only just got here and you're already interrogating me on my future," Sunrise teased.

Twilight rolled her eyes, "At this point I think I know you well enough to know you're not as impulsive as you act."

"True, true," Sunrise said, "I've got a couple schemes in the pipe."

"Oooh," Twilight said, her interest piqued, "do tell."

Sunrise glanced around looking for curious ears. Whether this was more melodrama or genuine paranoia, her sister couldn't tell. "Alright, I'm thinking of establishing some guilds. Maybe start with the teamsters."

"Guilds? Really?" Twilight gave a skeptical look.

"Mmhmm, they're perfect. An excellent way to raise the common worker's wage," Sunrise said, or exploit them.

"So you're all about the common pony?" Twilight said dryly.

"Nah," Sunrise giggled, "they're a great way for me to gain influence. With enough work, anypony who wants to do business in Canterlot will have to go through me."

"Sounds devious..."

"I'll drink to that!" Sunrise chugged a quarter of her glass.

Twilight sipped at her's with less enthusiasm. "That wasn't a compliment."

Sunrise shrugged.

"So why do you need influence?"

"To get anything done, of course," Sunrise said, "Politics is a messy business no matter how you slice it. You're lucky that you only have to fight monsters," she laughed.

"Uh huh... Truth be told," Twilight said while rubbing one hoof against another, "I'm worried I'll have to get involved with all that after I my coronation."

"Mmm, I doubt it," Sunrise said.

"Why's that," Twilight said then took a drink.

"I think you're more of the warrior princess type."

Twilight choked on her drink, "A wh--" She couldn't get the words out through her gagging.

"You okay, hun?" Sunrise asked as she rubbed the alicorn's back.

Twilight spend a few moments coughing and breathing. "What, uh, what do you mean 'warrior princess?'"

Sunrise rolled her eyes, "Don't sell yourself short. You go around slaying monsters with your trusty companions. I mean, you're a national hero!"

Twilight flushed, "Oh shush, you."

Sunrise chuckled, "But seriously, don't worry about the political crap. Plus, I'll help you out if you need it."

"Really?" Twilight's eyes twinkled. "That's a real load off my mind."

"Course!" Sunrise said. And I won't even wrap my claws around your business.

The mares chatted for a bit and got progressively more incapacitated until Sunrise spilled her drink.

"Motherfucker!" She shouted as she scooted back in her stool.

"Languash!" Twilight slurred.

The barkeeper was on the mess with a rag in half a second.

"Sorry 'bout that," Sunrise said.

"Don't worry about it, sugar," said the orange mare with mint green mane.

"Hey, what's your name?"

"It's Mint Julep," she said with smile.

"Ooh, cool name. I'm jelly," Sunrise said. I should've named myself Cuba Libre.

"Well hi there, Jelly," Julep said.

Twilight broke down into a loud giggle fit.

Sunrise pouted. "No, no, I meant I'm jealous. Jeal. Ous."

"Oh silly me," she said through a laugh. "What's your name then?"

She briefly considered giving her full title with as much thespian flair as she could add but decided to keep it to herself. "I'm Sunrise and this is Twilight."

"We're sisters!" Twilight added with enthusiasm.

"Really? That's news to me," Julep said, straight faced.

"Shush, you. She's usually really smart," Sunrise said with a huff.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean!" Twilight slapped her hoof across her sister's shoulder.

"Youch! What was that for!" Sunrise said, rubbing the spot that'd been whacked.

"I'm always really smart!" Twilight said and stuck her lip out.

"Really? Say sissydalions," Sunrise smirked.

"Sesquaydolen!"

"Not even close!"

The mares giggled, with Julep chuckling along, "You two are cute. I'll fetch you another round."

"Danke schoen!"

"Thanks!"

The girls got their refills and took a synchronized sip. Twilight levitated her cup while Sunrise held her's in her hooves.

"Ah! Rum is good for the soul," the unicorn said.

"Mmhmm," Twilight hummed in agreement.

"Say... Could you teach me to levitate stuff?"

"Could I?!" Twilight's eyes sparkled with enthusiasm. She grabbed some nearby peanuts in her magic and placed them on the counter. "'Kay, 'kay. Try picking one of these up."

"Alright." Sunrise held her hooves above the peanuts and waved them in circles like a psychic does over her crystal ball. "Abracadabra," she intoned, "Alakazam!"

Nothing happened.

Twilight burst out in giggles, "No, not like that!"

Sunrise pouted, "Then teach me."

"Okay, we'll go basic."

Twilight broke down the process as simply as she could and after a few tries Sunrise succeeded. Cheers rang from the mares but the alicorn didn't let their accomplishment deter her from giving a full lesson on the basics of magic.

By the end of the night Sunrise was flinging peanuts at the off-duty guards.

Author's Note

Thanks to my proofreader CitrusFizz

The Screw-up

Twilight groggily wandered the castle halls with a glass of orange juice, "So this is the mythic hangover I've heard so much about," she mumbled to herself. It had taken a concerted effort by Spike to get her out of bed in the first place but he took the whining and moaning in stride. Twilight didn't want to face the princesses alone so she'd decided to get Sunrise up so they could go together.

When she got close to her sister's room she heard a scream echo through the halls. "Oh no!" Her juice clattered onto the floor as she ran. "Sunrise!"

"Yes! Yes! Right there! No, not there you fucking dolt! Ah!"

"S-Sunrise?" Twilight stared at the door to her sister's room. Horror spread through her as her mind slowly began to piece together what was happening.

"Hey! Keep that armor on! I don't want to see your face! Ah!"

"W-wha?"

"But you let me take it off earlier and it's uncomfortable."

"Ah! It's supposed to be! It keeps you at attention, and I want you at attention, colt!"

"Y-yes miss."

"That's Mistress Athena to you, worm!"

"Yes Mistress Athena!"

"Ah! Oh god!"

Twilight's brain began to fizzle and pop. Her hair curled up. She'd had just about enough of this. "Sunrise! What are you doing in there!"

"Oh shit." The alicorn heard a continuous stream of muffled swearing. "Get off me, you fuckwit!" There was a clatter and a crash. "Jesus Christ, could you be more useless?"

"Sorry, Mistress Athena..."

"How long have you been standing out there, Twilight?"

"Long enough!" She shouted at the door.

"Hold on!" Twilight was treated to the sounds of more muffled swearing and frantic hoofsteps which lead around the room until they stopped at the door. The alicorn heard muffled speaking, but couldn't make out the words. "Okay, Sunrise, no need to panic," she whispered to herself, "No need to be embarrassed or ashamed, just suppress it. Remember, all you need to do to counter shame is to be blase. Pretend it's normal, and eventually, everyone will pretend with you." With her pep talk done, Sunrise opened the door in a robe. "Could you not tell I'm busy?" she said through a strained smile.

"Th-there's- it-it's in your h-hair," Twilight stuttered out.

Sunrise glanced upwards and saw it. Be blase, she repeated to herself as a mantra, "Well I needed a shower anyway," she said.

"W-what are you doing!" Twilight stuttered out.

Sunrise took a moment to consider, "Do we, uh, need to have the talk or something?"

"You know that's not what I meant!" Twilight's face had turned from being red with embarrassment to being red with anger.

Sunrise rolled her eyes. "Er. Well, I was getting laid."

"But why?!" Twilight shouted, "You're not even a week old!"

"What, do you want me to wait eighteen years? I'll be an old maid by then," Sunrise said before she could stop herself.

"You're a week old!" A stallion yelled from inside the room.

Sunrise glared at nothing for a moment before turning back to her room to yell, "Shut the buck up, sub, and while you shutting up get me a venti mocha frappuccino with soy, two shots espresso, two shots irish. Stat!" She ruffled a hoof through her hair, the clean side of her hair, and turned back to Twilight, "Want anything, hun?"

"Er."

She turned back to yell into the room, "Make that two, second with half a shot irish! And use the servants entrance like the slave you are! Oh, and fetch the maids to clean up while I'm in the shower!" She stared at the room for a second. "What are you standing around for?! I gave you an order, soldier!"

The sounds of clattering and scrambling echoed out from the room, and then a door slammed shut.*

"You really shouldn't treat the guards that way... Or..." She glanced at her hair.

"Nah, it's okay. They like it."

Twilight looked skeptical.

"Really, I promise."

Twilight let out a long angry breath. "I just can't believe you'd throw away your virginity like that. How are you going to get married?"

"Twi, I didn't throw away--"

"That's right! You practically shot it out of a cannon!" Twilight said in exasperation.

Sunrise chuckled, "Well, I figured the best way to learn to swim is to jump right in." And I wanted to dive right passed the gender crisis while I was plastered because I just can't handle it right now. Better to just get used to the new equipment without the melodramatics, and drink away the anxiety.

"But you could drown!"

The mare winked, "Not if you've got a couple lifeguards."

"A-a-a couple?!"

"I'mma clean up," she laughed, "Give me ten minutes." She closed the door and mumbled to herself, "That went about as well as I could have hoped."

*When the guards went through the servant's entrance they found a small crowd of concerned maids and servants. They tried their best to look proud of themselves.

When a maid came to give Twilight her coffee she found her sitting on the floor with her head in her hooves. "Are you okay, Princess?"

She groaned. "My sister's a slut..."

"Now, now, don't say that about your sister. Just drink your fancy coffee, and you'll feel better."

And she did, a bit.

Twilight ignored the sound of her sister's door opening. "Hey, sweet thing, you okay?"

"No," she said, looking at the coffee cup held in her hooves. There was a note of a weird taste she recognized but couldn't put her hoof on it.

"You wanna talk?" Sunrise asked with concern plain in her voice.

"No," Twilight said sullenly.

"Okay, well why don't we head to breakfast?" Sunrise said like she was coaxing a bunny to come out of its burrow.

Twilight didn't say anything but followed along anyway. After a while she finally spoke, "Just... why?"

Sunrise took some time to consider how she'd get out of this. "Well, sis, why do you think Celestia keeps around such a large royal guard? I mean, they haven't proved very useful in the past, and we have a competent military."

"It's the first step on the military career path," Twilight said, entering lecture mode, where she felt safest. "After a pony finishes officer school they gets stationed at the castle as a guard. From there, they'll get assigned to a section in the military. Celestia says she likes to have all the officers bond on assignment here so all the military branches are more cooperative with each other."

"Sure, okay, but why not have them bond in school, or on a harder assignment? Why at the castle? All the other countries treat being a royal guard as an honor you obtain after a long period of service, and they have a much better royal guard because of it."

"I don't know. Maybe it's because they need a good guard to protect their monarchies, but the princesses don't really need protection."

"Wanna know what I think?" Sunrise whispered conspiratorially, "Celestia hasn't had a public relationship for centuries, but she's still a mare. A mare with needs. And with all these young, well trained stallions at her beck and call. Well..."

Twilight looked at her twin aghast, "You don't think..."

Sunrise giggled, "I think a little bit, maybe."

"Golly," Twilight said with a blush.

"I really need to teach you how to swear."

"I don't care if she's your student's sister! The little hussie is responsible for this somehow, I just know it."

"Now Luna..."

Twilight's nerves were acting up again. She looked over at her twin and saw a dark smile. She also noticed that she was wearing her hair in a ponytail. I guess she's still trying to differentiate herself, she thought. "Should we..."

"No, follow my lead, and remember if we pretend nothing happened, it didn't. And if there's any suspicion it'll be towards me, they'd never suspect you. Most importantly, even if they outright accuse you, just deny it because without proof a denial carries more weight than an accusation."

Twilight nodded. Her tightened muscles relaxed a bit.

"I'm just not going to stand for it!" Luna yelled.

"That's our cue." Sunrise threw open the doors and trotted through with a confident stride, sipping on her coffee. "Good morning, Princesses."

"Ah Sunrise, you look well. And Twilight, you look... like you could use some more sleep." Celestia said in her customary morning warmness. "Did you two have a nice night out?"

"We did, thank you," Sunrise said while her twin mumbled something to the affirmative.

"So we heard," Luna said sardonically.

"Oh? Are you implying something, Princess?" Sunrise quirked her eyebrow and held her smile.

"In fact we are, take a seat," Luna kept her glare on the mare took as she sat down.

"Wonderful, I'm always up for a nice chat. But first, may we order? I'm famished from all the... walking around the city."

"Oh, I'm sure you did plenty of getting around," Luna said darkly.

"Luna, that's enough," Celestia smiled calmly. She rung a little bell and a waiter come out to take their orders.

Twilight got three hayburgers. Sunrise got 'a mocho loco, soy beef patty, let it swim, with soy ham, peas, and carrots in the rice, make sure that's fried rice, the eggs very over easy, and a side of pineapple. Oh and orange juice and coffee, black, breakfast roast.'* At first Twilight had found her sister's habit of making complicated orders without pausing to give the staff time to get all of it down annoying and snooty but she was starting to see it as endearing, though still snooty. She wasn't sure if she was really being snobby about her food or if she was playing some kind of game. Being a mare of simple tastes, she didn't really get it.

*She'd had to explain exactly what a mocho loco was after ordering it.

"Now then," Luna said with a growl, "we need to have a talk about your behavior."

"Alright, say your piece," Sunrise said, girding herself.

"It is simply unacceptable for you to be cavorting with the guards in such a manner! How you believe you can demand the title of princess and then behave no better than a common harlot-"

"Luna, that's enough," Celestia interrupted.

"Quite enough, I'd say," Sunrise jumped in as quick as she could without exposing herself to the accusation of interrupting the highest authority in the land. She tried to summon all the pride she had in her heart.* "I was expecting some, perhaps, harsh words, but I wasn't expecting to be insulted. And especially to be called common, of all things. I thought we'd already agreed I was a mare of high status," she smirked and flicked her ponytail with a hoof, taking an indignant poise. I like the hair flip, she thought, I may have to keep the ponytail. But I need to do something about these nerd bangs.

*It was a lot.

"Why you little-!"

"Luna," Celestia said firmly.

"Besides," Sunrise jumped in again before Celestia, who felt like she was rapidly losing control of this conversation, could get any steam, "isn't there something else you'd like to talk about? Or is this all just a delaying tactic?"

"Speak plainly, mare," Luna glared at comparatively little mare.

"Oh, did you think I forgot our little wager?" Sunrise held herself confident and smug against the imposing alicorn's evil eye. "I heard a rumor from... the staff that a certain form of graffiti was found, yes?"

"I know damn well it was you!" Luna shouted as she slammed her hooves on the table top.

"Luna!" Celestia cut in trying to wrestle some control. "Watch your language."

"But she's the one who vandalized that bridge!" Luna said with a petulance that often creeped into her tone when speaking with her sister, "There's no other possibility. That sort of graffiti has never appeared before but the moment she makes that bet it appears."

Sunrise looked to be surreally calm. Twilight was about ready to shake off her seat. "Another explanation is that the staff heard the phrase and it got passed along until some hoodlum heard it and thought it was funny. Furthermore if you're going to make an accusation to besmirch the illustrious reputation," she went for the hair flip again, "of a princess such as myself you'd better have some hard evidence. You wouldn't like to start a precedent, would you?"

"Oh, I have evidence," Luna smiled darkly, "Spike confessed."

"Luna..." Celestia sighed.

Twilight went pale and rigid. Sunrise maintained her calm. "Did he really? A child confessed to an angry alicorn more than four times his size? And without Twilight present? Please, what child wouldn't confess to anything under those circumstances. I could get that confession thrown out in an instant. And I'm sure the tabloids would love to print some exaggerated headline about that detail." She laughed, "As well as the entire incident being bait for the media. Here's what I think happened, when Spike didn't say anything you got emotional and scared the poor drake and he babbled something to appease you."

At this point Luna just about had steam coming out of her ears, "How dare you, you little-"

"Enough!" Celestia cut in, "I've had just about enough of this and I'm not going to sit here while you two argue over a silly wager. Now speak civilly with each other."

"Thank you, Princess."

"And stop provoking her, Sunrise, I know what you're doing."

"Yes, Princess," the unicorn said in the tone of a scolded child, her control of the conversation over.

"Where is Spike, by the way?" Twilight asked. She'd been content to stay silent, or rather, she didn't want to get pulled in, but her concern for Spike was greater than her fear of being trapped in this particular conversation.

"I sent him to the kitchen to help with the chefs and to pick out a few gems for dessert after Luna's questioning... became distasteful to me." Celestia let out a long sigh. "Now then, I can see that this is an issue we'll have to deal with in its entirety. What were the terms of this wager?"

Luna simply glared.

"What I said precisely was, 'I'm willing to bet Twilight's bottom bit that graffiti can be found that says just that,' as we all know, that graffiti was found."

"Oh, Luna, you didn't..." Celestia looked disappointed.

Luna didn't meet her gaze.

"Wait did you say you bet Twilight's bottom bit?" Celestia said, her brain having just parsed the entirety of the sentence.

"Yes, that's right. No one disputed that phrasing, particularly Twilight, which, I believe, constitutes consent. However if that's not enough, I believe I can get Twilight's assent now."

"Luna, how could you take such a foolish wager?"

"I will admit that I rushed into it without doing my due diligence," Luna said through clenched teeth.

"Twilight doesn't even have much money," Celestia sighed, "Sunrise, are you going to be pursuing my sister's 'bottom bit.'"

"I wouldn't dream of it. Considering that Luna could dispute whether 'Twilight's bottom bit' means as much property as Twilight owns or 'Luna's bottom bit', I'd like to settle. After all we'd have to get a judge and seeing as all the royalty of Equestria would have a conflict of interest we'd have to use the court system. From there it'd look bad to use any court but the highest in the land, not to mention look bad in general, and we really shouldn't be abusing the court's time over a wager."

"Well reasoned," Celestia said, "What do you propose?"

"Yes," Luna said, "How much do you intend to pillage me of?"

"Oh, it's not a matter of how much," Sunrise couldn't help but let a dark smile slip onto her face, "It's a matter of what. I want the bar."

"You. Want. What." Luna said through grinding teeth.

"You heard me. I want 'The Lunatic' bar and all associated property and business. I know you own it. I looked it up."

"Absolutely not. That establishment is precious to me."

"And you'll be welcome to visit. But I won't take anything less," Sunrise said firmly.

"I refuse."

"Then I'll have to purse your 'bottom bit,' regardless of whether or not I want to. You stand to lose a lot more than just the bar," Sunrise finished in a sympathetic tone.

Luna growled but she didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry, Princess, but I need it and I'm willing to drag you through open court and a media circus to get it," Sunrise said softly.

Luna looked stricken. She knew what a being dragged through the papers could do to her still recovering public image. "But... it's special to me... I founded that bar in the Everfree castle and after my banishment Tia transferred it, brick by brick, to Canterlot. I was so happy to see it when I got back..." she said glumly.

"I know it's special to you," Sunrise said with a sad smile, "and I'm sorry to take it but I really do need it. And it's not like you'll lose it forever. I'm not immortal after all and I may be able to give it back while I'm still alive."

Celestia sighed, "Why do you need the bar, Sunrise."

Sunrise took a deep breath and ran through the gist of the speech she'd prepared. "Well, Princess, I've been given a lot and I feel very blessed. I don't want to live idly on my luxury like, well, like Prince Blueblood, I want to do good for Canterlot and for Equestria. But in order to do that I need a power base. That starts with the bar. Forgetting the bits it brings in, it has an established clientele of not just the military but of Canterlot's nobles, and even some of her head bureaucrats. It's the perfect place to establish a network," she took a moment to think. "My sister has been gifted so much by Harmony, well deserved, of course, and she's been able to do good for Equestria without getting involved in the messy business of politics. But Harmony has already given me life itself, I don't expect to be getting any more help without working to deserve it. I want to help Equestria, and to deserve my status, like Twilight." She looked over at her sister, who was starting to get tearful, and smiled warmly. While that was all basically true, sort of, she was really glad she'd taken that political science course in college and the professor had made them read Alinsky (and that she'd been interested enough to read Machiavelli on her own time). Rule 10: you do what you can with what you have and clothe it with moral garments, she reaffirmed to herself.

"That's so sweet," Twilight said. She pulled her into a tight hug.

Repress the guilt. Repress the guilt. Repress the guilt, Sunrise repeated to herself as she was squished against Twilight's warm body.

When the hug was done Celestia gave the unicorn a look. She'd been hopeful about Sunrise's potential to be a virtuous pony, but remained cautious. Now, with that speech, she was confident that the mare was going to be a problem. She knew Twilight was too naive to see through such an obvious attempt at manipulation but surely Luna hadn't been out of the game for so long that she'd forgotten what mares like Sunrise sounded like? She turned to her sister, "Well, Luna? What do you say?"

She stared at the table for a long moment. "Alright... You can have the bar."

There were only a few times that Celestia could honestly say that she was more disappointed in her sister than now.

Sunrise figured it was a good idea to keep the sentimental trend going so she got out of her chair, walked over to Luna, and gave her a big hug. "Thank you, Luna. You have no idea what this means to me."

"Now, now," the princess patted the smaller mare on the back awkwardly, "that's enough of that."

When Sunrise got back in her seat, Celestia said in a blank tone, "I think the other matter can wait until after we eat." Already a plan was forming in her mind, hopefully Luna would play along. She rang her little bell and the waitstaff came out, almost immediately, with a push cart for each mare, as well as one more on which Spike was standing in an over-sized chef's hat, holding up a mixing spoon like a sword.

"Greetingz fair mai-dons, I come viz la geefts," Spike said in a really bad Prench accent, "Ve ave..." He went through all the dishes and when he finished he took a bow. They all applauded his performance. He joined in for the meal with a bowl of gems and shared the light conversation. When they'd finished and the table was cleared Celestia tactfully suggested he go check out the new Maroccan fire iguana that'd been recently added to the garden.

"Alright, onto the next piece of business of the morning," Celestia said, "Do you have an explanation for your... indecent behavior?"

"Yes... We put a sound proofing spell on the room but it stopped working by the morning..." Sunrise said, poking her hooves together.

"And why, pray tell, did you assume it would still be working?" Luna asked.

"Well... I mean..." Sunrise took a deep breath to help suppress her emotions. "I don't know much about magic."

"I see..." Celestia said, "I was referring to the way you've conducted yourself, not the indiscreet manner in which you did so."

"What, uh, what do you mean?"

"What she means, Sunrise, is that you can't be fornicating the guards. Or anypony," Luna said bluntly.

"Not if you want any position in the nobility," Celestia added firmly.

"What!" Sunrise shouted, "What is that supposed to mean?!"

"Calm thyself," Luna said in an authoritative tone. She glanced at her sister, about to correct her sister on her severe words but she was silenced by a harsh look from Celestia.

Sunrise realized that she was standing up with her hooves pressed down against the table. She sat back down and took a few deep breaths. Twilight placed her hoof on her's in a gesture of sympathy.

"What," she said slowly, "exactly do you mean by that?"

"I mean that if you want to be a princess then you can't behave like you have and you certainly can't let the public hear about it. I simply cannot allow the reputation of the Equestrian royalty be damaged because the press got wind of your actions. If they print one article, then I'm sorry but you just can't be a princess," Celestia said. Being the consummate chess master, she knew how to set the field so that her opponent would lose no matter what they did. And if worst came to worst a small push is all she'd need to ensure victory. You will not get that crown, mare!

Sunrise sat stock still. She's going to make sure I end up working for a living like some filthy peasant. God damn that mare! She stood up and said, "Well then, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do." She gave her goodbyes cordially and walked out of the dining room. I will get that crown!

Sunrise paced around her room with her mind spinning out of control. Her emotions were a storm that even she couldn't parse but she knew rage was in there somewhere. After nearly two hours of this she calmed down enough to realize she was getting cabin fever. She figured now was as good a time as any to start that jogging regimen she'd been considering. People did say that running helped you think.

She went to the training field where some of the guard were being put through their paces. She got advice on proper form and how to stretch from a drill sergeant, Rock Hoofstrong. Being the sort to never pass up an opportunity to ingratiate herself to someone, she complimented his mustache.

She set off onto the track in the gym shorts and t-shirt she'd got a maid to raid from the equipment storage room and set off with a book on social norms, 'The Lady's Guide to High Society,' levitated in front of her.

If only I knew what a huge deal the ponies made of sex... she grumbled to herself.

She got a few looks from the guards but she ignored them until one of them snickered and said in a voice he probably assumed she couldn't hear, "A little late for that, isn't it?"

Sunrise turned to him and smirked, "Oh, honey, I'm just gettin' started."

Author's Note

yfw you thought this would be a fun self insert but it's actually an isekai about a madmare questing for power

Thanks to my proofreaders
CitrusFizz
sadron

PRiE

Sunrise smiled brightly to the cameras. She wore her hair in a ponytail. She hid her bangs and, most conveniently, her ears with a bandanna, a golden yellow color of the style maids wear while they're working. She wore a tacky kitchen apron that said 'You can't kiss the cook but you can buy her a drink.' She poured some soup into a homeless stallion's bowl and said, "Here you are, sir," in her cheeriest voice, trained by her time in customer service. The press was eating it up. I guess they've never seen a royal in a soup kitchen, let alone one willing to address a stallion, who apparently can't even afford to do his mane, as sir. Fine by me, it just makes me look better if the other nobles don't care about the poor.

She was relieved she wouldn't have to play antagonistically with the press, although a little disappointed. She, like everyone else, had watched the 2016 election cycle in rapt attention, and not just because she was ideologically committed to one side. She'd loved watching for the sheer entertainment value and ridiculousness that'd swept through modern politics. But she'd been mostly fascinated by watching two master games-people duel for the most powerful position in the world, using the best tactics available.

She'd wanted to try out some of the tactics she'd seen Trump use against the press but it seemed it wasn't to be. As a concession from the world she, at least, got to use some of the tactics she'd seen Hillary use on the press to keep them enraptured with her. Not as fun, of course, but much safer.

In her new life she'd stopped caring about what was the right system. It was freeing. After all, what did she know about what was the best way for ponies to live? And in any case, it wasn't really her world, why should she care? And what right did she have to change things?

Though, she found herself still caring about economics, which was more important than politics, anyway.

"Of course," she said to the fawning journalists, "it's not just the duty of the nobility and the rich to care for the impoverished. It's our duty to raise them up out of poverty. Every mare and stallion of high station and good character should seek to pull their fellow pony up with them so that all can experience the best that our fair country has to offer. I'm not just here to set an example in how we should show kindness and generosity to those less fortunate than ourselves. I'm also working on a series of economic reforms to allow everypony the opportunity to raise their station in life. I believe, wholeheartedly, that Equestria succeeds when each individual Equestrian is allowed to succeed." Particularly me, but hey, good luck to everypony else, she added in her mind. "My broad policy initiative is called Equestria Works and I'll be working with various figures in our government to implement it."

The press scribbled furiously at their notebooks.

The next stallion, this one with a wearing a ratty saddle bag, got his bowl of soup. "Thank ya kindly, Princess," he said.

"Oh, no need to thank me," she said with an 'oh, you' hoof gesture, "I know my apron says I can cook but I couldn't make something this tasty if my life depended on it!"

The stallion laughed and walked off.

"Okay, a question this time," she said. She got a roar of reporters raising their hooves high and shouting for her attention. She pointed at the most starry-eyed stallion.

"Thank you, Princess Sunrise--"

"You're welcome, Ink Mark," she interrupted with a smile. What'd impressed her the most about Hillary was that she seemed to know the name of every reporter she spoke to, and would consistently call them by their first names. She treated them like they were close, personal friends, and won them over handily. In reverent adherence to this tactic, Sunrise had memorized the names and faces of every journo that'd been sent to this event, and kept a cheat sheet attached to the back of the soup pot.

The stallion's eyes sparkled even more, "What do you, uh--" he cleared his throat with a light cough, "What do you think of Prince Blueblood?"

"Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to meet him. He's a very busy stallion, you see. Although... and I shouldn't say this," Sunrise leaned forward and glanced around the room in mock suspicion, "but you can keep a secret, right, Ink?" She waited half a beat. "I suspect that he's not busy with a what, but rather with a who..." She let her implication sink in for a moment before she added, "But you didn't hear that from me, okay?" Then she waved over the next stallion.

There was another line for soup, of course, because it'd take hours for Sunrise to deal with the press and serve the poor at the same time and she couldn't keep the hungry ponies waiting. Nevertheless, many of them were waiting in line just so they could have a few seconds with her.

When she finished with this one she pointed to another infatuated stallion. Unfortunately, the mare next to him jumped in before he could speak. She was a light gray unicorn with a sky blue mane, and had a cutie mark of a baseball bat crossed with a pen. She'd kept a steely reserve throughout the conference. While Sunrise had to admire her professionalism, she'd planned on avoiding her as much as possible during the event.

"Hard Hitter, Daily Sun--" she said.

"Hello, Hard Hitter," Sunrise said warmly.

"Er, yes," she said, put off.

Sunrise cheered internally that she'd thrown her off.

"Would you like to comment on the rumors that have been spreading about you?" Hard Hitter said after recovering.

Sunrise had prepared for this. In fact she'd spent hours preparing for how to handle this line of questions. She'd spent one of those hours practicing just one expression in the mirror. She widened her eyes and tilted her head to the side in confused naivety then she swooped one ear to the side. The ear position wouldn't be noticed under her bandanna, probably, but she wasn't about to risk it. "What rumors?" she said, mimicking the open curiosity of children.

"The rumors of--" the mare stumbled over her words, "You haven't heard about them?"

Sunrise tilted her head back to normal, furrowed her eyebrows, and scrunched her lips to the side slightly, "I'm much too busy to bother with silly gossip." She raised an eyebrow as she lifted up her ladle and poured some soup back into the pot.

"Well, what I mean is--"

"Look, Mrs. Hitter," Sunrise said in a miffed voice. She switched to a formal address to put distance between the mare and herself, as well as the journalists she'd charmed. The mare was unmarried, as she knew from her cheat sheet, so she used missus to hit at the common insecurity mares have about their age and about being single.

"I don't appreciate having unsubstantiated gossip brought up, especially when the mare bringing it up isn't even willing tell me what she's talking about. It's very rude, and coming from a reporter from a respectable outlet like the Daily Sun, it's unprofessional." The reframe and shame was a trumpian tactic. It was amazing how you could change the impressions of everyone in the room just by calling someone rude.

Sunrise had called the Daily Sun respectable because it wasn't. It was a tabloid rag, although it was the most popular its type. She'd done it so that Hard Hitter would either feel ashamed of working there or feel ashamed for not keeping up the paper's standards.

"Now I think that's quite enough of that," she said waving over the next stallion. "What's your name, sir?"

"It's Almond Harvest, Princess," he said hesitantly.

Hard Hitter had been momentarily overwhelmed by the harsh glares she was getting from her colleagues. Unfortunately for her, by the time she rallied Sunrise had already moved on. "But Princess--!"

"Mrs. Hitter," Sunrise interrupted firmly, mimicking the tone of a schoolmarm, "you've had your moment to speak with me. Are you going to deny this gentleman his opportunity to have the same?" she asked gesturing to the dirty stallion with her hoof facing upward and her elbow bent down.

"N-no, Princess," she said meekly.

Poor thing. I admire your integrity but you need to work on your game.

"Thank you," Sunrise said. She turned to address the stallion in front of her. "I'm sorry about that, Mr. Harvest. I'll give you some extra bits of the good stuff for your trouble."

"Thank you very much, Princess," he smiled widely and showed off his missing teeth.

Sunrise decided now would be a good time to take a risk, "She was asking me about some rumors but she wouldn't tell me what they were about," she said," say... you look like a stallion in the know. Have you heard anything about that?"

Almond Harvest stared deeply into the wide, sparkling eyes of the nicest mare he'd met in a long while. He could lose himself in eyes like that. He decided he didn't have the heart to crush her innocence. "No, Princess, the guys only say good things about a pretty mare like yourself... and well deserved I'd say."

Oh, he needs a reward for that one, Sunrise thought as she giggled girlishly, "Careful, flatterer, you could steal a few hearts with talk like that," she said.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Princess," he said with a chuckle.

"Tell you what, Mr. Harvest, I'm planning a venture that's likely to create quite a few jobs. Why don't you apply? Just tell them I offered you a job and they'll set you up," she said.

The stallion's eyes, which had held a dullness until now, lit up, he looked like a boy climbing down the stairs on Christmas morning. "Th-thank you, Princess! I'll do that!"

They exchanged pleasant goodbyes and the stallion walked off with a sense of pride and hope that he hadn't felt in years.

Sunrise smiled as she was filled with the warm glow of helping a pony so obviously in need. "Alright, next question," She said to the press, whose expressions ranged from infatuation to curiosity. Wrapped around my pinkie... my hoof, she said to herself.

Approximately the present, on Earth

The man sat on a kitchen chair. It'd been dragged into the middle of the living room. His family sat, close together, on a couch, facing him. Above them hung a banner. In bright, cheerful comic-sans it said, "Intervention!" It'd been picked up in the novelty joke section of a local mom & pop book store, which was unfortunately close to the self-help section.

"I just don't know what to do with you," the man's mother said in desperation, "just tell me how to help you!" she cried.

The man hated to see his mom in this state, though, he couldn't help but feel a proud glow in his chest. He didn't show it. He'd only been an alcoholic for a short time and he was already at his first intervention! There was even a banner! "I'm sorry, mom, but you can't help me. This is my life now," he said stoically.

She burst into tears, the man's father wrapped his arms around her and said, "Look what you've done, son! You made your mother cry!" he said. His face was set in a hard, accusing glare. The sort that every angry father in every melodramatic soap opera holds after the rebel son tells the vaguely too average family something that deeply disappoints them.

The man said nothing. He'd made his decisions. What kind of person would he be if he couldn't keep his commitments? He'd pursue his alcoholism in the same professional vigor he'd pursued everything else important in life. It was a matter of pride.

"Do you really not see a problem here?" the man's straitlaced, always responsible, but never particularly successful sister asked, "I mean, you threw up on our parent's lawn!"

What self-respecting alcoholic hasn't thrown up on their parent's lawn at two in the morning after a three day binge? he thought, but didn't say.

"Just... please, get help," she pleaded. "You can go to meetings, talk with people who get it. I know you're having a hard time after what happened but I want you to know that we love you and we want you to get better," she said.

"Well..." the man thought about it for a long moment, "I suppose it would be nice to find some people who know what they're doing," he said.

"Oh, thank God!" his sister half-yelled in relief.

Wow! A meeting of fellow professionals! And I've been asked to go by my family! They must really support me!

The man's family hugged him tightly. Warm feelings were shared and tears were shed.

The Equestrian present

Sunrise smiled warmly when she saw the next stallion in line, Thick Stew. She'd gone through the trouble of getting somepony to track him down for this event and she'd placed him in the crowd. He was properly compensated, of course. "Mr. Stew! It's good to see you again!" she said, waving him over enthusiastically.

"You too, Princess Sunrise," he said in his gruff voice.

"Princess! Do you know this stallion?" a reporter asked.

"I do, actually. We got to talking and I bought him a meal," Sunrise said.

The reporters immediately grabbed their notebooks and tried to capture every word.

"And a 40," Thick Stew added. "Of course, I didn't know she was a princess at the time. I was mighty surprised when I found out."

"And why would that be important when I was only trying to have a chat?" she said.

"Whatever you say, Princess," he said, "But could you do a stallion another favor?" He held up his bowl.

"Of course, Mr. Stew," she poured him a large helping then leaned forward, held a hoof to the side of her face, and whispered loudly, "Don't tell the press, but I snuck you an extra helping."

The stallion chuckled, "My lips are sealed, Princess."

"I'll see you later, Mr. Stew," Sunrise said as she waved him off.

He merely grunted in response.

The press corps raised their hooves and called her name, she pointed to one. "Go ahead, Story Teller."

"Thank you, Princess," the young mare in glasses said, "do you regularly interact with ponies outside the nobility?"

"Well, to be honest I haven't had much time to do so," she said. "Though, I must say, sometimes I do prefer the frank language of the common pony. The nobility can get a bit... flowery in their speech." If she was being honest with herself she'd have to admit that she was the sort of silly, rich person that romanticizes the poor, but at least she wasn't the sort who'd never met them.

Sunrise continued her press conference until every last pony in the shelter that wanted to meet her got the chance. It was exhausting but it made her feel warm to see so many ponies happy just to see her. She'd only planned to stay for an hour or two but the needy looks of the ponies kept her rooted in place and their grateful smiles filled her heart.

The journos peppered her with questions whenever they got the chance. There were plenty of substantive questions, but many more were inane. 'What's your favorite color?' they'd ask. 'What do you think?' she'd ask back while gesturing to her coat.

The apparent bewitching she was able to cast over the many of the reporters sent to cover her gave her satisfaction of a different sort. It gave her the will to not simply kick them out and finish up meeting the people. The poor newsponies didn't stand a chance against the tactics she'd seen used on Earth. Of course, she couldn't manipulate everypony. Quite a few retained their objectivity but it was easy to give them fewer questions, and they'd get weeded out of her press pool to make room for more agreeable voices.

She was certain Celestia wouldn't let her get away without having problems with the general media in the future. For now, all she could do was try to win them over, and hopefully get the public on her side, as well. The love of the people will be my fortress, she repeated to herself whenever she felt the fear of whatever the sun princess had planned.

When Sunrise stepped out of the shelter she immediately lit up a cigarette. She greedily consumed the smoke and let the stress bleed out of her. She'd stayed a little longer than the press, both so they wouldn't corner her on the street and so she could give one last goodbye to the homeless ponies. She hadn't realized a world built on harmony, in which every pony was assigned a purpose, could have so many who fell through the cracks. It worried her that most of them were earth ponies with farming or food related cutie marks. Something must be happening outside their control for the demographics to stack up like that. She felt for them, she knew what it was like to be useless.

As she was leaving something caught her eye. A pony was sitting across the street with her head in her hooves. "Is that... Hard Hitter?" she asked the night. She debated whether or not she should just leave, but in the end she decided to talk to her. She walked over and sat down next to her. The mare didn't look up. "Hey there, sugar. You want a one?" she said, holding out her pack.

"What are you doing here, Sunrise?" Hitter said it in an annoyed tone but she still took a cigarette.

"That's Princess Sunrise, actually," she said with a hopeful smile.

"It's not," Hitter said, "I looked it up."

"Oh, fine," Sunrise pouted, "I doubt a snazzy title would dazzle you anyway."

"Seemed to work on my colleagues," she griped.

"True enough. I admire that you didn't fall for any of my little tricks. It can be hard not to be taken in by a important pony who's being friendly to you."

"So you admit to using tricks?" Hitter accused.

Sunrise shrugged. "Off the record, of course. Anyway, it's not like I can manipulate anypony who doesn't want to be manipulated, or at least, anypony who does their due diligence. That's pretty hard to do, generally."

Hitter's eye twitched, "That's not how it works!"

"Sure it is," Sunrise held up her hooves as if to say, 'give me a break,' and said, "The ponies in there wanted to feel important and I made that happen. Now, hopefully, they'll sing my praises, and make me look good to the public."

Hitter stared at the mare sitting next to her in disbelief until she sighed, and set her head in her hooves. "Well, I still fell into your trap," she said morosely.

"You did. Sorry about that," Sunrise said sympathetically, "It wouldn't do to have 'Princess denies salacious rumors' as your headline."

"And you admit to knowing about the rumors too. Off the record, I'm sure," Hitter rolled her eyes.

"And if you repeat anything from this conversation I'll sue you," Sunrise winked.

"Yeah, yeah," Hitter sighed. "Why are you even talking to me?"

"Spreading the magic of friendship?"

"Bull," Hitter deadpanned.

"Honestly? Because you seem like a good pony. You were brave to ask a question like that. You just lacked follow through," Sunrise said as she mimicked hitting a ball with a baseball bat, "I'd be willing to bet that you could be great at what you do. You just need practice. I'd hate to see your talent go to waste because you got discouraged."

"Really?" Hitter said with a flat tone and a raised eyebrow.

"Sure," Sunrise shrugged, "I do my best to pursue my goals and I think everypony else should do the same. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Well, that's..." Hitter had to stop and think about it, "an unusual way to look at things."

The mares sat in silence for a bit.

"Why are being so frank with me?" Hitter asked.

"Well... I don't really mind if you were to think of me as dishonest, but I'd take exception to anypony saying I'm not on the level," Sunrise said with a half-smile.

"But," Hitter's eye began twitching again, "being 'on the level' literally means being honest."

"They're not the same thing. And hun? With you being a journalist and all, you're playing at a fairly high level in society's great game so you need to learn the difference," Sunrise said, trying not to sound condescending.

"Life's not a game, Sunrise," Hitter said, a bit put off.

"Of course not, but society is. It's a big competition where we all throw our life philosophies in and fight to win. Being in news, you've got an important role in deciding who wins," Sunrise leaned forward and smiled. "Even if you don't want me to win I hope you pick my vision to support."

Hitter leaned away grimacing slightly and changed the topic, "It's a shame I can't publish any of this..." she sighed. "An exclusive interview with you would sell a paper or two."

Sunrise let out a small laugh, "Like I'd ever let you corner me like that," she said. "I mean, unless you've got a recorder hidden away, in which case, I'm screwed."

Hard Hitter smiled for the first time since she'd planted herself on the curb, "I wish... Unfortunately, they're too pricey for my outlet."

"What's with that anyway?" Sunrise asked while she used her smoldering cigarette to make a circle, "Why are you working at a tabloid?"

"Oh, that..." Hitter said morosely, "Well, I asked a tough question to the wrong pony and quote 'nearly ruined the paper's special relationship' with him," she grumbled as she made air quotes. "They sacked me to appease him. I ended up at the Daily Sun just to keep a roof over my head."

"Harsh," Sunrise said as she blew out a plume of smoke, "It's ironic, isn't it? That the higher you are in certain fields, the worse a pony you have to be."

"I think that's a load of horse apples," Hitter huffed, "Ponies just say things like that so they have an excuse to give up their integrity."

"Maybe," Sunrise shrugged, "but you're the one working at a tabloid."

Hitter growled but she didn't have a response.

"Look, hun, if you wanted to be good you should've become a craftspony or a farmer. You got into journalism because you wanted to do good, right? There's a difference."

"Oh, and that's what you are?" she asked sarcastically, "A do-gooder?"

"Well..." Sunrise said as she put out her cigarette, "I don't know about all that." She lit a new one. "All I really want is to matter."

"And that's why you're doing... whatever it is you're planning?"

"Sure. I mean, I must be here for a reason, right? There's no way I just popped into existence without a purpose," Sunrise said before she took a drag. "If I'm not here because Harmony needs me then this would all just be some cruel joke. It's pretty stressful, you know?" Dying. Being brought back in a foreign land. Body. Gender. Everything. "Just suddenly existing. I'm here for a reason. I don't know what it is, or even if I'm supposed to do something good or bad. Honestly, I don't care. I just don't want to fail."

"Do you really not care if you have to do something bad?" Hitter asked in disbelief.

"Well... I don't want to be hated," Sunrise sighed, "But what do I matter compared to what Harmony needs? What does it matter if I'm happy, or loved, or good? I'm here, the way I am, because I'm supposed to do something important and until I figure out what it is, I'm going to prepare the only way I know how. And that's by doing what I was created to want to do."

"Bleak..." Hitter said as she ashed her cigarette. Sunrise, ever conscientious, offered her another one. "You know? I haven't had one of these since high school."

"You must've been quite the rebel."

"Don't tell anyone," she said. The mares lapsed into silence until Hitter asked, "What's it like not having a childhood?"

"Er..." Sunrise thought for a moment. "I guess it sort of leaves you without context. Like, I've had to do a lot of research on Equestrian society to understand what things mean... and sometimes I screw up."

"Is that what happened with... I mean, is that why you... have those rumors about you?" Hitter asked, genuinely curious.

Sunrise watched the magical glow of the streetlights across from them, "That would be a likely explanation," she said.

"But they are true, aren't they? At least in a general sense?" Hitter asked.

"Of course not," Sunrise lied.

"Well... I've done a few interviews with ponies who say otherwise so..." she trailed off.

"You know, when I came over here to give you some encouragement I was hoping I could also find some mercy for a lost mare who's still figuring out her place in the world," Sunrise said, a bit irked.

Hitter sighed, "I go where my boss points me."

"I see..." Sunrise kept her eyes on the lamp lights for a while. "You know what? I'm still assembling my team. I could use a media consultant. It'd be a significant raise and you do seem under utilized. And did you see the ponies in there? They need good work and I want to get our economy going to the point where we can compete with the rest of the world." Sunrise sighed, "We may have an idyllic paradise in Equestria but we're lagging behind the rest of the world."

"No offense, Sunrise, but I know your type," Hitter said stoically, "You may think you're doing good but in the end you're going to hurt more ponies than you help."

Sunrise frowned, "I know your type, as well. Life is going to chew you up and spit you out. In the end you'll have done nothing for anypony and you'll have meant nothing to the world."

"I guess we'll just have to see then," Hitter said, peeved.

"I guess we will," Sunrise said. She stood up and walked off. "Have a nice night, Hard Hitter."

"You too, Sunrise Sparkle," she said. She flicked the last of her butt into the gutter and went home, chastising herself for falling off the wagon.

"Thank you for meeting me here, doctor. And I'm sorry it's so late," Sunrise said. It was time to learn about what was happening in her brain. She'd sent somepony from the team that had handled her press conference to reschedule once it became obvious that it'd take all day. The doctor had insisted that they meet today so he'd come to her room in the castle. After her day she just wasn't up to going out. "Please, take a seat," she said, gesturing at her little, round tea table, not that she used it for tea.

"Of course, Princess," he said as he sat down, "it's no trouble. And I know how exhausting the media can be. I've had the unfortunate opportunity to do a press conference myself."

The light brown unicorn was on the skinny side and he had a yellow mane. His name was Mender.

"Alright," Sunrise said, "give it to me straight. I know you wouldn't have asked for such quick appointment if it was good news."

"It doesn't look good," Mender said. He went on to explain, both in great technical detail and in broad, simple terms, that many areas in her brain were missing connections to the other parts, or weren't as communicative as they should be. He pulled out a series of scans and highlighted problem areas. "The interesting part, and the reason you're still functioning is because your brain is rerouting the connection through other areas, as well as healing in general. I suspect that's the reason for your coma. Now, don't get too worried. I expect you to continue healing, even without medical assistance. At this point we mainly need to monitor the problem, but we have options. I'd recommend a general magical infusion to assist the natural process. If you stall in your recovery, or if we see decay, then the infusion will be a necessity and we may have to pursue more extreme treatments."

"What. Um," Sunrise swallowed. "What sort of extreme treatments?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Princess," Mender said. "It's likely we won't even need to consider them."

"Very well, doctor," she said slowly. "What's our next step?"

"I'd like you to come in to start your treatment as soon as possible," he said.

"Alright, let me grab my schedule," Sunrise said as she levitated over a small, black book from her vanity table. "Let's see... I'm going to Ponyville tomorrow but I can fit you in before I leave. Nine o'clock okay?"

"We'll make room," Mender said with a kind smile. "Have you considered getting a secretary? I know you're a busy mare. Before I got mine I was completely overwhelmed but she's made everything quite manageable."

"Oh, I've considered it," Sunrise said, "but I find doing my own scheduling to be soothing."

"To each their own, I suppose," Mender said. He glanced over at the bottle of whiskey on the vanity table. "I'd also recommend you avoid drinking and any other vices you may have. And you should try to eat as healthy as you can."

"Thank you, doctor," Sunrise said with a sigh, "I trust this is all confidential? Even from Princesses Celestia and Luna?"

"Of course. It's all sealed unless you want to tell them," he said in a sympathetic tone.

After they'd said their goodbyes Sunrise walked over to her her vanity and poured a glass for herself. She stared at it for a long moment. The clock ticked slowly, counting the seconds. She picked up her drink and chugged it all in one go. She threw the glass at the wall, shattering it, and shouted, "Motherfucker!"

She sipped from the deceased cup's sibling while her room was cleaned by the maid she'd fetched, who gave her the stink-eye. "I'll need that replaced," Sunrise said.

"Yes, Princess," the maid said curtly.

Sunrise set her elbow on the vanity and rested her head on her hoof. She stared at her new face. I shouldn't keep this a secret... should I? I could tell Twilight but it'd just worry her... I can't let Celestia know about this. God knows what she'd do with this tidbit.* She might use it to keep me from being a princess.** I should... I should just keep it to myself. I mean... I'm getting better. No need to worry anyone. Anypony, she corrected herself.

*She'd be exceptionally sympathetic.
**She wouldn't.

After the maid was long gone Sunrise's eye was caught by her black book. She pulled it over with her levitation. "I used to hate doing my schedule." She flipped through it for a bit. Seeing the even lines and order it represented in her life was comforting. She closed it and set it on the table. A thought occurred to her. A horrible thought. "Oh, no. God, no. Not that. Please, anything but that." She set her head on the table and covered it with her hooves. "I can't be losing myself... I'm the most important thing I have... I-I know I've already changed but I don't want to change more. And I don't want to be like Twilight!" she yelled. "Dammit!"

Sunrise started her day with a nasty hangover, which she popped some pills for. She took her first cup of coffee during a long shower. She took her second cup while going through the many newspapers and magazines she'd requested. They helped her mood, as did the shot of whiskey in each cup.

Celestia was not enjoying her morning. She was sipping her tea while she perused her usual set of varied news sources.

A New Star Rising?

"The mare's made quite the splash," she said to herself.

"Ooh, this one looks nice," Sunrise said cheerfully.

The Princess of Charm

"Ink Mark, huh? Looks like he's keeping his spot in the press pool."

Celestia glared at the headline she was reading. She skimmed through the article before throwing the paper in the trash. She picked through the pedantic and flattering papers until she found one that seemed objective, The Economist.

Equestria Works: What It Is And What It Means For You

After glancing at the article inside she crumbled up the paper and chucked it.

"Hmm, The Economist," Sunrise said, "Wait. This article is by the journo that asked me about my favorite color," she giggled as she grabbed a random magazine.

The New Queen of The Canterlot Social Scene

"Celestia must be having a conniption," she said and laughed.

Celestia incinerated the paper she was holding. This sort of behavior wasn't uncommon for her while reading disagreeable news. In fact, it was a favorite past-time, which is why she read the news in private. "That mare..." she said to herself. "She's doing remarkably well but it won't last long. As soon as one paper talks about those rumors the press will turn on her like a pack of hungry dogs."

Before Sunrise headed out, in a ponytail and new aviators, she got her luggage sent to the train station for her but brought her carry-on with her to the doctor's office. It was stuffed with newspapers and magazines for detailed reading on the train ride. When she met with the doctor she consented to the brain scan but tried to refuse the magic infusion. She was dreading mentally integrating with the bits she got from Twilight and was half-convinced she should try to halt the process. Doctor Mender wasn't happy with her and after a long conversation he talked her into taking the magical infusion.

Although she was worried about her medical state she managed to keep a good mood and hummed to herself on the way to the station. On the ride she dug through her collection of articles. She studies every word, no matter how vapid or shallow, and used the information to better craft her next step. When she arrived in Ponyville she hopped off the train feeling giddy to see Twilight and Spike again, as well as meet the girls she'd heard so much about. On a day like today, it'd be easy to ignore her anxieties.

Author's Note

In which the author moves a character establishing scene with Hard Hitter a few chapters forward due to reader feedback.
Sorry if you didn't like the last chapter. I think what happened is that I had to remove a certain scene. It was going to set Sunrise on the track of becoming a Mary Sue and achieving an easy victory. I only realized this while writing the later chapters. In removing it I lost some of the lighter tone as well as the chance to display some of Sunrise's better traits. It also pulled the story away from a more absurdist tone and into a more serious one, which I didn't realize until publishing it. In replacing it I wrote about Sunrise's ambitions, Celestia's resistance to them, and set the conflict between them, but I didn't write about why she's wants what she wants, so that she looked to be purely selfish, and without insecurities. I think the last chapter was the first time we got a real look inside Sunrise's head and without the scene I had in mind we missed some important context. I wanted to have a slower reveal of what Sunrise is all about, e.g. each chapter we've seen more of her thoughts, culminating in a chapter which explains her actions Frank Underwood style (just to reassure you, this isn't going to turn into House of Cards, I just like the narration style) but I may bump up the timeline of her character arc. If ever she seems inconsistent, well, that's not her fault, that's just a commentary on my skill as a writer.

Sorry about the long A/N. My love of writing long, rambling A/Ns is only matched by my hatred of reading them.

Thanks to my proofreaders
CitrusFizz
sadron

^I know so much about brain science!

Sojourn in Ponyville

Sunrise sipped her tea and hummed with contentment. She wasn't a tea mare but she made do. The additive she'd snuck from her flask helped with that. Twilight had taken her to a picnic with her friends. The introductions went smoothly, but were a bit wild. All of Twilight's friends were unique in their own way and even gave the unicorn a run for her money in that department. She liked to control how conversations go, especially when meeting new ponies, but with these mares she was completely out of her depth. She ended up just following along and tried her best to participate. I hope I don't come off as shy... or standoffish. She'd gotten to share the story about her middle name, at least. They seemed to like it.

"So I hear you're quite the athlete," Rainbow Dash was suddenly talking to her.

"Hm? Well whoever told you that is a liar," she responded from behind her tea.

"Well it was Twilight so..." the pegasus glanced towards the alicorn without turning her head.

"Rainbow, I said she likes to jog," Twilight said in exasperation.

"Running's a sport!" Rainbow said defensively.

"No, I jog. It's slow and just for exercise," Sunrise said, she gave her flank a couple pats, "Gotta watch my figure."

"Ah come on, I'm sure you're good at it. Let's have a race!" Rainbow said, always looking to test herself against everypony she could. "To, say, that tree and back."

"But we just ate-" Sunrise tried to say.

"It's good for the digestion," Rainbow interrupted. "I heard you like making bets too, we can make a bet."

Sunrise chuckled. "I like making bets I have a remote chance of winning."

Rainbow chewed her lip. "Tell you what. If I win you'll help me make Twilight take some flight lessons. If you win I'll owe you a favor, whatever you want. Low risk, high reward. That's fair, right?"

"You haven't been taking flight lessons?" Sunrise said in a scolding tone.

Twilight avoided meeting her sister's eyes and poked her hooves together. "I just don't want to fall..."

Sunrise rolled her eyes. "And after I promised I'd take some magic lessons too, tch." Twilight focused on her tea. "Now what could I do with a favor from Rainbow Dash..."

"Suuunriiisse," Twilight whined, "you said you wouldn't politic my friends."

"That was before they started offering me favors," she pouted. "She's a popular, young pegasus. I bet a speech from her would go over really well."

"Oh don't pretend you're just going to make her give a speech. You're gonna make her do some 'messy business,' as you call it," she made air quotes with her hooves.

The girls, and Spike, watched in rapt attention.

"Oh please, the 'messiest' thing I'd make her do is give me some introductions," Sunrise raised her snout derisively, pretending to be offended.

"Uh huh," Twilight rolled her eyes, "and what are you going to do with those introductions? Make a weathermare's guild?"

Sunrise was starting to regret telling her sister about her ideas for a teamsters guild. "Er, no..." she said. "Regulations are probably already too tight for it to matter in the weather biz, right Dash?"

"Huh? Oh, uh," Rainbow was having a hard time coming to terms with being pulled into their argument. "I guess regulations are pretty tight..."

Twilight simply glared at her sister who started poking her hooves together. "I mean a union would probably be more useful..." Sunrise said slowly.

"Ah ha! I knew there was a scheme!" Twilight yelled in the happy tone of a hunter trapping her prey.

"Scheme is such an unsavory term..." Sunrise said

Twilight rolled her eyes. "An angle then."

"Besides!" Sunrise said, gaining some steam, "did I scheme Rainbow Dash into offering me a favor? Unless I somehow tricked you into telling her about my jogging and the bet with Luna I don't see how this could be a scheme. What? Did I win that bet just so Dash could hear about it? Or maybe I took up jogging all for Dash to decide she wanted to race me and make a bet I have no way of winning?" Sunrise started laughing, "What am I, Ahuizotl?"

Twilight's expression softened, "Alright, I see your point..." She giggled, "But I'm still not convinced this isn't an elaborate plot to have an 'industrial accident' over somepony's house," she air quoted again.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea. I'll make a schemer of you yet!" The sisters shared a laugh.

"Alright girls," Spike said, putting down the popcorn he'd been sharing with Pinkie, "that means the show's over."

"They do this a lot?" Applejack asked.

"Like every day," he said.

"Hey, where do you keep getting that popcorn?" Sunrise asked.

"Ask Pinkie Pie about it," Spike said, pointing a thumb at her.

Sunrise looked into the mare's wide, happy eyes colored like soft ocean waves and saw herself drowning. "I'm... not that curious."

"Aww..." Pinkie said, a bit dejected.

"Er... Are we still racing?" Rainbow asked.

"Dash, I really wouldn't recommend gambling against my sister," Twilight said.

"Who, moi?" Sunrise asked, holding a hoof to her chest.

"And I really, really wouldn't recommend owing her a favor," she continued, ignoring the interjection.

"Don't worry, Twilight," Rainbow stood up and puffed up her chest, "there's no way I can lose!"

Twilight looked up to the sky like she was about to start praying.

"You ready to do this?" the pegasus asked.

"Alright, wanna referee, Applejack?" Sunrise asked.

"Sure, Ah can do that," the mare said, standing up.

Once they'd stretched and got up to the starting line Applejack started the countdown, "Ready, set, go!"

"Is that filly getting attacked by timberwolves!" Sunrise shouted.

"SCOOTALOO!" Rainbow Dash shrieked.

The mares shot off in opposite directions.

"Rainbow get back here! There's no timberwolves!" Applejack called out

Twilight was looking to the sky for help again, "Typical."

By the time Rainbow Dash realized what was happening her opponent had reached the tree. She launched herself like a missile towards it, then off it, clearing the race in an instant.

"Dammit, Rainbow!" Applejack yelled, "you have to run! Run!"

And she did. She reached the tree and bucked herself off it by the time Sunrise was half way back. The unicorn put on her final burst of speed, sprinting like her life depended on it. Even with her head start, she almost lost. But she didn't. She collapsed on the ground and panted. She felt like her heart was going to burst out of her chest. Rainbow didn't even look winded, just angry.

"I can't believe you tricked me!" she yelled.

"I. Huff. Can't believe. Huff. You fell for that. Huff," Sunrise panted out.

Rainbow growled, "This doesn't count! You cheated!"

"No. Huff. I tricked you. Huff. You cheated. Huff," Sunrise pointed out.

"I cheated!" Rainbow said in offense.

"Uh, you did use your wings, sugarcube," Applejack added, trying to be helpful.

"Why are you taking her side!" Rainbow yelled in exasperation. "You're supposed to be the referee!"

"Now don't you be raisin' your voice at me," Applejack said firmly.

Rainbow growled.

"I told you not to make bets with her. Didn't I tell her?" Twilight said, looking at her other friends.

Sunrise caught her breath enough to pull herself into a sitting position. "Rainbow, did you really think I was going to take a bet I was sure to lose?"

The pegasus pawed at the ground with her hoof. "... Maybe..." She stomped her hoof "But it doesn't matter! You tricked me so it doesn't count!"

"Sorry, hun," Sunrise couldn't help but slip on a smile that Twilight, who let out a long suffering sigh, recognized, "you're the one who stipulated the terms and conditions of our agreement. In which, you made no mention as to whether tricks were, or were not acceptable. As it was your duty to do so, and you failed to, I'm afraid the ref will have to side with me."

Rainbow looked to Applejack with a pout. "Sorry, sugarcube, looks like you're starting a union."

The pegasus groaned, "You're not gonna make me start a union, are you?"

Sunrise giggled, "Nah, probably not. I've got a lot on my plate right now." Rainbow let out a sigh of relief. "But, hey, maybe in a few years."

The pegasus groaned, "Please don't."

Sunrise kept on giggling. She tried to contain herself as she was nearing malevolent laughter territory and she hadn't practiced that one yet. When she got a hold of herself she said, "Alright, alright. Tell you what, for my favor you've got to teach Twilight how to fly safely. 'Kay?"

"Really? That's it?" Rainbow and Twilight asked at the same time. While Rainbow said it in a surprised happy tone, Twilight said it in a skeptical, deadpan tone.

"Sure, can't have you, uh--," a brief flash of mangled flesh smeared into the dirt shot through Sunrise's mind and she had to suppress a shiver, "breakin' a wing on me, can I? The sky's a dangerous place," she said and bumped the alicorn on her nose.

Twilight twitched her muzzle, "Thanks?"

"Plus, you're not gonna make me waste my favor, right?" Sunrise said.

"Fine! I'll take my flying lessons..." Twilight grumbled.

"There we go," Sunrise said smirking.

After they'd enjoyed the rest of the afternoon the ponies went their separate ways and did their separate things. The Sparkles spent some time reading, but Twilight had to start digging through some paperwork that she'd put off for too long, so Sunrise went jogging around town. Unfortunately for Twilight, she found the liquor store and when she got home she got drunk while reading a book on Austallion economics. She'd tried to chat her sister's ear off about it but it quickly went over Twilight's head, not that she'd admit it. Economics was a subject she'd read about, of course, but she'd largely ignored the field. Why read about money when you could read about magic instead?

When Sunrise heard her express that sentiment she was deeply offended and launched into a long, drunken spiel about how it was about so much more than money, but was about the 'aggregate effects of ponies' decisions calculated en-mass,' which Twilight tuned out after the first thirty seconds.

The night went on in a similar fashion until Twilight pawned the unicorn off on Spike. He showed her some of his comics. She admirably pretended to be interested until she passed out.

Twilight walked into her kitchen at the crack of noon and found her sister digging through the cupboard, mane unmade and mumbling to herself. "What are you looking for?"

"Aspirin," Sunrise croaked out.

"Ah." She levitated some out along with a glass of water.

Her sister took it greedily and chugged the full glass. "'Anks," she said. The full word 'thanks' didn't quite come out.

"Bad hangover?" Twilight asked sympathetically.

"Mmhmm... Ya got coffee?" Sunrise asked with half-lidded eyes.

"I've got tea," Twilight suggested helpfully.

"Nnnnnn... No coffee?" Sunrise whined.

"Sorry, sis... You could get some at Sugarcube corner. Pinkie works there, you know?"

"'Kay."

Sunrise put on her oversized aviators, borrowed one of Twilight's old hoodies, and put her mane in a ponytail.

"You sure you don't want to... do your mane?" Twilight asked, trying to be polite.

"'S fine." It was sticking out at odd angles.

"Okay... See you in a bit," Twilight said.

"See ya," Sunrise droned out.

Sunrise set out into the harsh glare of early afternoon. She got hellos and waves from the townsponies and tried her best to return them, but really wasn't up for it.

"Hey girl, going for a jog?" Rainbow greeted from above her. She got a mumble for her efforts. "Whassat?"

"Morning," she repeated.

Rainbow looked at the sky. "But it's the afternoon?" She didn't get a response. "You okay?"

"Hungover," Sunrise said.

"Ah. Then what are you doing out?" Rainbow asked.

"No coffee at Twi's," Sunrise said in a blank tone.

"Harsh. Well, let me know if you wanna hang out later," she said before she took off.

When Sunrise got to Sugarcube Corner she was just in time for the lunch rush. The chattering pounded at her skull but the aspirin was starting to provide relief. "Hey, Sunny," Pinkie said when she got to the front of the line, "you look like you got hit by a cart."

"Hangover," she said.

"Ah." Pinkie whispered just loud enough to be heard over the din. "So what can I get you?"

Sweet girl, Sunrise thought to herself. "I wanna coffee."

"Of course, what size?"

She squinted at the menu through her aviators. "Medium. What roasts d'ya have."

"Just the Prench roast," Pinkie said in her cheerful whisper.

"Nnnnn... No morning roasts?" Sunrise whined.

"You're so silly, Sunny," Pinkie said, making an oh-you gesture, "All coffees are morning roasts,"

"Nnn," Sunrise whined. "'Kay... An' a plain bagel. Cream cheese. With lox."

"What's lox?" Pinkie tilted her head.

"'S salmon," she said.

"Eww. Nope," Pinkie said, making a face, "none of that here."

"Nnnn," she was really starting to miss the castle. "Ya have salmon flavored cream cheese?"

"Noperoonie."

"'Kay, t's it then," Sunrise drawled out.

She paid and Pinkie told her to take a seat. When she got her coffee she took a sip and frowned. "Not good enough to drink black," she mumbled to herself, she ignored the voice in her head that told her she was getting spoiled as she fixed up her cup.

After a few minutes she heard a voice from behind her. "Hello, Sunny. Oh, a simple breakfast for a sophisticated mare?"

"Hey, Rares," she said as the white mare slipped into the booth. "I was hoping for lox."

"Ha!" Rarity laughed, "You won't find that out here in the boonies."

They were silent for a moment. "I really should've known that'd be my nickname when I picked my name."

"Yes, you really should have," she giggled. "Not many ponies get the chance to name themselves."

"Well, at least they get to blame their parents when they get a stupid nickname," Sunrise said, starting to feel well enough to joke.

"Too true... You okay, darling?" Rarity asked with concern, "You don't seem to be doing too well."

"Mmm, I'm pretty hungover," Sunrise said.

"Aww," Rarity pouted, "did you take a night on the town without me?"

"Nah. I found the liquor store. Nice selection for a small town," Sunrise said, always ready to dish out a compliment.

"Yes, that'd be Berry Punch's doing," Rarity said, chuckling.

"Sound like a fun mare," Sunrise said. "Maybe we should hang out."

"I'm sure she is," Rarity said. "Though not so fun when she throws up on your lawn."

Sunrise raised an eyebrow, "She's done that?"

"More than once," Rarity said from behind her cup.

"Yikes!" They shared a laugh. "So what are you up to?"

"I've got a free afternoon, my spa date with Fluttershy fell through because of some animal emergency..." Rarity said, before adding, "Say, you look like you could use a spa day. Care to join me, darling?"

Sunrise look a long sip of her coffee, "I'd love to, but only if you take me to your boutique after. I've got a large wardrobe and it's empty."

Rarity's eyes gleamed, "I'd be honored to show you my boutique!"

"I mean, it's just so annoying not knowing what to do with my ears!" Sunrise pouted. They'd gotten to the bath stage of spa day and were now just chatting. "I know it must be a brain thing, I should know naturally but I don't and it makes communication so difficult."

"As an amateur thespian, I sympathize, using your ears properly is almost as important as using your eyes in acting."

"Hey, that's not a bad idea..." Sunrise said, "Maybe I should take some acting lessons."

"They're lovely, darling, if a bit pricey."

"True, but I think the castle can afford it," Sunrise said with a wink.

After some more relaxing Sunrise piped up, "Oh, I've been meaning to ask you, can you help me pick a mane style?"

"Not satisfied with the ponytail?" Rarity asked through closed eyes.

"Well... It's a fine casual style but I need something to wear in public and in formal settings," Sunrise said, then added after a moment, "Plus, don't tell Twilight this, I need to get rid of these nerd bangs."

Rarity giggled, "Your secret is safe with me. I may be a shameless gossip but I'm also a mare of discretion."

When the mares exited the spa Sunrise came out in a wavy mane and tail with side swept bangs and immediately began admiring herself in the lobby mirror. Rarity saw her chance and snuck off to pay. Oh, no you don't, Sunrise thought. "Oh Rarity, please let me take care that," she said while walking up to the counter.

"That's not necessary, after all I invited you," Rarity said sweetly.

"Yes, but you were such a treat and you helped me get over my hangover," Sunrise said. "I'm afraid I must insist."

Rarity narrowed her eyes. "I'm happy you're feeling better but you were kind enough to come with after my date with Fluttershy fell through. If it weren't for you, darling, I wouldn't have even been able to come, so really it's me who must insist."

Aloe and Lotus sat at their counter, heads swiveling back and forth, as they watched the most polite argument they'd ever seen.

Sunrise put on a sweet smile. "But you've been so helpful throughout, you even helped me pick a manestyle and your advice has been invaluable. It wouldn't feel right not to pay back your generosity."

"That's the thing about generosity, darling, it doesn't need to be paid back," Rarity said, "And besides, you've given me the wonderful opportunity to have my styles displayed by royalty."

"And I'm so thankful for your help in that regard. I don't know what I would do without your help in crafting my public persona," Sunrise said. "In fact your generosity has been inspiring, so please allow me-"

"Oh darling, there's no need for flattery." Rarity interrupted. "I know you're working hard for Equestrians everywhere and it is my pleasure to give you a moment to catch your breath."

"Which is why I'm so thankful for you taking me here," Sunrise said, content to leave Rarity's counter-flattery hanging in the air. "I was actually going to file this as a business deduction so it really is no trouble." Sunrise had been upset when she found out princesses have to pay taxes on their expense accounts.

"Oh what a coincidence, so was I. This is a business meeting after all," Rarity said, knowing she was about to win the argument.

Sunrise narrowed her eyes. Gotcha, she thought. "Oh, but Rarity, I know you give so much. I'm sure you've filled up your deductions on charity already."

Rarity smiled serenely. "While that's true for my personal deductions, my business is its own entity and I've not nearly used up my deductions for it. Besides, I know you have a busy year ahead of you. I'm sure you'll run out of deductions quickly."

Dammit! Sunrise cursed to herself. "Very well, Rarity, I know when I'm beat," she said with her mouth pulled to the side in a disappointed expression.

After paying, the mares headed to the boutique and spent some hours trying on clothes, working on designs, and talking about what looks are best for which situations. Sunrise also took advantage of Rarity's discretion and got herself certain leather wear and a riding crop. She made an excessive amount of orders and she couldn't pay the full bill this month so they had to work on a payment plan. During which she was surprised to discover that Equestria had very tight usury laws. She would need a lot of loans to move her plans forward, and after some later research, found that it was almost impossible to profit by making loans, and therefore almost impossible to get one. No wonder Equestria's economy was stagnating compared to the rest of the world.

Sunrise spent the rest of the day, as well as the next, exploring Ponyville. She hung out with Twilight and her friends, even getting some basic magic lessons for her trouble. She spent some more time working with Rarity. She took her jogs with Rainbow Dash, who was annoyed by her habit of reading while running. She had lunch with Twilight and Fluttershy, and got a serious lecture on wildlife. She was all too happy to sit through it, not just for the info dump, but to see the shy pegasus open up. She talked to Applejack and Big Mac about how the agro-economy works and who's involved in the business. She was happy to learn the Apple family controlled a large chunk of the pie. Although Sunrise and Applejack didn't really click, in fact they made each other uncomfortable in ways neither could describe, they were still able to be friendly with each other. Pinkie Pie threw a party for Sunrise, which she loved. The two got along pretty well. With them both taking a theatrical approach to life they found a lot of common ground, though Pinkie would occasionally shoot Sunrise with a suspicious glance when she thought she wouldn't notice. Eventually the unicorn got uncomfortably (for everypony else) drunk, and started singing Smash Mouth.

During her stay in Ponyville, Sunrise couldn't help but think about the varied personalities she'd met and how she reacted to them, or rather, how her old self would have reacted to them. In Rarity she'd found a good conversation partner and a possible friend. In her former life she would never have been able to stand five minutes of conversation with the mare.

Her old self would have found Pinkie to be, while bit annoying and overwhelming, the archetypal manic pixie dream girl. But with her new mentality she saw her as being really cool, even aspirational, almost a confident, older sister type.

This train of thought gave her a series of weird dreams. Most of them consisted of Sunrise having come as a stallion. 'He' didn't die to get here, but was merely sucked through a portal. He didn't change in anything but body. Oddly, he found the one change harder to accept than the many changes Sunrise actually had to face. In the scant melancholy minutes that she could remember the dreams after she woke up she speculated that he would be forced to deal with the singular adjustment in self, but she had so many piled on top of her that she could hardly think about one loss of self before being confronted with the next. In the end, each shock was buried under the next, with none being dealt with.

The stallion went on a whirlwind of adventures with the girls, somehow seamlessly integrating with the group. He became friends with each. He saved Equestria, even stole the show from the real heroes. He was a knight in shining armor, if ever there was one. Sometimes he was even a doormat, but, always, he was loved. The general theme of these dreams was that during his questing he'd catch the heart of one, or even more, of the girls and they'd embark on a romance for the ages. Eventually settling down, having a family, and growing old together.

When she woke from these dreams she could do little but stare at the ceiling until their memory faded and all she was left with was a feeling of having lost something she'd never had. But this feeling was easily dealt with through coffee, so it wasn't a problem. She simply pushed the wispy thoughts out of her mind and got on with her day.

Sunrise used her break in the countryside to work on what her plans would be and do more research, courtesy of Twilight's direct pipeline to just about every library in Equestria. She also got her shipment of papers and magazines sent to Twilight's and they continued the trend of good news when she was mentioned.

By the end of the weekend she was well rested and enthusiastic to see how the renovations on her new bar were going, though mystifying feelings continued to cling to her like a blanket wrapped too tight.

Author's Note

But ES, you said you'd have this out on Sunday the 12th! Of March!

That's true, dear reader, sorry about that. I got a few complaints and people said they didn't like Sunrise. I was a bit mystified by this because I genuinely like the character, but I didn't really know why. So I spent some time figuring that out and then did some rewriting on this chapter to display the qualities I like. I added some scenes, dropped some others, and rewrote some more. In the end I'm totally dissatisfied with this chapter. A lot of what I added was boring and pointless so I cut it. But anyway, I hope it looks good to your eyes. Ironically, I don't think I was able to add at all to a positive portrayal of Sunrise's characterization this go around, which is what I was focused on.
Well, at least I have a clear idea of what precisely I like about this character and can, hopefully, show some of that to you all in the later chapters.

Next one should be about a week or two.

Thanks to my proofreaders
CitrusFizz
sadron

In Which We Fail The Bechdel Test

Sunrise sat in a bar stool sipping a brandy. She'd been back for a few days now and quite enjoyed watching the steady progress on her new place. She hadn't been much of a drinker in her former life, nor ever had brandy, but now she wasn't intending to stop.

The most expensive renovation was a series of three steps leading up to a throne. The steps were brick, to match the decor and show deference to the stone steps in Celestia's and Luna's throne rooms. The throne was wooden, more deference, to match the wooden columns and beams she'd added. For now it was unadorned except for cushioning. She was hoping to add some trophies once she got a few accomplishments under her belt.

Of course, all the changes were easily reversible and nothing original would be damaged.

She'd gotten authorization from Celestia to hold a sort of semi-official court of her own, who seemed oddly happy at the idea. Why? Sunrise couldn't fathom. It was possible she liked seeing the mare take on some real responsibility, but it was more likely, to Sunrise's paranoia, that she thought the unicorn would lose out on this arrangement somehow. How? Who knew. But Sunrise thought it vital that the public saw her taking on the role of royalty. The firmer she held the position in their minds the harder it would be for Celestia to deny her the real position. Eventually, it would just be easier to give her the title as a ceremonial formality. Even if she got her title she would only have as much power as she was gifted by Celestia and Luna. But it didn't matter to Sunrise if she held real, overt power, there was plenty she could do with just the image of power.

Most of the requests she got she'd be running up the chain for approval. The real reason she'd be holding court was to fish for opportunities and find ponies she could hold leverage over, gain favors. She was hoping to establish a sort of patron-client system like the old Romans. Roamans, she corrected herself. It was a bit mob-ish for her tastes but she wasn't looking to start a crime syndicate. She just needed ponies in desperate straits to do the occasional shady thing, spy mostly.

"Ah, Prince Blueblood, welcome, please take a seat," she said when she saw him come in.

"Princess Sunrise," he said curtly. He wore one of those suit collars the ponies were so fond of with a short business tie.

"Would you like some brandy?" She'd picked out a white silk sash that Rarity had convinced her was fashionable and enough to show respect in a casual business setting. She'd also become fond of the wavy mane style.

"Very well," Blueblood said, maintaining a distanced presence.

Sunrise poured him a glass herself in a gesture that she hoped displayed respect rather demeaned her status by not having a servant do it. "I'm sorry our first meeting is over business. I had hoped to meet you at one of the castle breakfasts." While her relationship with Celestia was a bit strained, she still liked attending the morning meetings, not only to keep track of her fellow royalty's opinions, but for the company.

"Yes I've... been too busy to attend breakfast with the aunties," he said, guarded.

Ah, there it is. The aunties. He's baiting me. "That's a shame. They can be enjoyable, if sometimes dramatic... Although I must admit," she turned her gaze elsewhere in an attempt to look thoughtful, "I am quite jealous that you get to call the princesses your aunties. I don't think I'll ever be that close with them."

Blueblood stiffened, then softened when he realized what she'd said wasn't a threat to his unique relationship but an acceptance of it. "It is... quite a privilege." He smiled slightly. "Perhaps in time you may develop a closer relationship with them."

"Perhaps. I'm sure The Crown would benefit from us all working together." She took a sip of her brandy. "I do hope you make an effort to meet with us in the morning. I know that if you accept my proposal we'll both have much more on our plates but it would be nice to get to know you outside a business setting."

"I suppose I should. I've been meaning to meet the mare I've heard so much about." He smiled slightly.

"Nothing good, I hope," she winked.

"Ha!" Blueblood pronounced, rather than actually laughing, "You'll be disappointed to know its been a bit of both."

"Well you can't win them all. At least a lady's reputation can be improved by a discredited scandal." My turn to fish now.

"Yes," he said after a moment, "I've had my own problems with scandal recently..."

"I heard about that," she said taking on a sympathetic countenance. She'd been doing thorough research on pony body language and apparently the way to look sympathetic was to turn your ears backwards and lower them about halfway down. It was similar to how fear and submission look, which has the ears flattened against the skull. "It all started with the incident at the Gala, yes?"

"That's right," he took a long drink. "One misunderstanding with the wrong mare and suddenly all my dirty laundry is free game for the press to drag out into the open." He looked glum.

Same ear position, Sunrise noted, but with the ears facing outward.

"I've tried everything. Charity dinners. Balls. Public events. I even paid for a public works project. That one was the only one that helped but I can't afford to spend the rest of my life building monuments to other ponies."

"Hmm... I think I can help. Most of your efforts have been targeting the nobles and the press directly, the one that worked was the one that gave jobs to the poor. If you were to continue targeting the public, why would they buy a paper smearing a stallion they like? I'm sure you've heard about my public relations tour. Twilight's expressed an interest in attending some of the events too. If everypony saw you in public with the mare in question's close personal friend and a more recent friend, what could they assume other than that the past is just water under the bridge? After all, you're a stallion. When it comes to romantic matters your reputation can be brought low by a single event but raised back just as easily. Thankfully, it's not a matter of honor or there'd be little we could do." For mares it seems just the opposite, Sunrise lamented.

"Really? And Princess Twilight wouldn't mind?" Blueblood said hopefully. "I'll admit our acquaintanceship has been a bit... icy."

"I'll talk her into it," Sunrise said, repressing a smug expression.

"Thank you, Princess Sunrise, you've done me a great favor. These scandals have not helped my business," he said with relief.

"Please, just Sunrise is fine." She smiled

"Then please call me Blueblood." He smiled back.

This is going better than I expected, they both said to themselves.

"Speaking of business, let's step into my office and talk about my proposal," Sunrise said in a smooth tone, "You'll have to forgive the mess, it's not quite finished yet."

"Let's. I'm eager to hear what you have in mind."

"So what you're basically saying is that by using my influence over the dockyards we could establish a teamsters guild and have a near monopoly over the transport of good throughout Canterlot? A hoof in every pie?" Blueblood was nearly drooling at the prospect.

"Exactly. Not only would we increase our profits and control of the city but by taking out the middle mare in delivery, drastically increasing the scale of operations, and centralizing transportation we could even reduce the price of goods and bump up wages," Sunrise said with a confident smirk.

"And then once our competitors are crushed we can drive up our prices and, with my influence over the legislature, put in laws damaging any new competition!" Blueblood said in excitement.

"Haha! I like the way you think," she said. While the thought appealed to her, it would be too greedy, and probably harm her chances at princesshood. "I knew picking you for my first venture was a good idea. I admire how you handled the situation with the rail station entering Canterlot. I heard they were going to put it on the other side of the city but you finagled them into adding it onto the sky dock." Being a mountain city, Canterlot had many of her goods brought in by blimp and pegasi caravans.

"That's high praise coming from a mare with a mind such as yours." He leaned forward. Sunrise unconsciously did the same. "It took a prodigious effort but I was able to rally the ponies who'd have their property value hurt by the new rail line and the dockyard ponies who'd lose out on the competition. Trans-Equestrian Railway fought tooth and nail, many a hoof was greased in the House of Lords, but in the end I won when the public won."

It's a real shame the ponies have yet to realize they need a House of Commons, but I suppose you can get by with an imbalanced system if you've got Celestia's hoof on the scales.

"Excellent tactic. Few ponies can stand up to continued public pressure." She leaned backwards in her chair, having noticed her position. "Unfortunately, we could fall victim to the same pressure if we abuse our monopoly position, not to mention, we could incur the princesses' wrath."

"Too true." Blueblood leaned back, mirroring her posture. "Some advantages are better left unpressed. What is it they say? Pigs get slaughtered?"

"Precisely. I suppose we'll just have to content ourselves with lowering prices and raising wages," Sunrise said wryly. "And, of course, the sound of our praises being sung."

"I can drink to that!" Blueblood said, raising his cup.

They clinked their glasses together and celebrated their partnership.

They talked for a little while more until Blueblood had to leave.

"So I'll see you at breakfast?" Sunrise asked as he was taking his leave.

"You will, and perhaps, I'll see you at dinner some time?" He smiled slyly.

"Oh!" She flushed. "Perhaps..."

"So... I got asked on a date," Sunrise said with a bit of genuine coyness.

Rarity gasped. "You must tell me every detail!" She'd had business in Canterlot, private fittings, design meetings, and so on, so she'd invited Sunrise out to lunch. They took a table on the front patio.

Sunrise squirmed. "I don't know..."

"Please, you know I love gossip," Rarity said, unleashing the incredible force of her puppy-dog eyes.

Sunrise couldn't stand up to the assault. Gonna have to learn that one. "Alright... but you're not going to like it..."

"Are you planning to get that phrase trademarked?" Rarity said dryly.

She scowled lightly. "Oh shush, you."

"Just get on with it," Rarity said impatiently, "The suspense is killing me!"

"Okay, well he didn't actually ask me out, more like he said he might in the future," Sunrise said as she refilled her chardonnay.

"Mmhmm. So who is it? Somepony I know?" Rarity said, leaning forward.

"Er... Yes?"

"Oh, just spit it out!"

"It was Blueblood..." Sunrise said from behind her glass.

"What!" Rarity's face bloomed red in outrage. "Is that cur trying to take advantage of you?!"

"Nonono!" Sunrise hurried to say, "And you're making a scene," she pointed to the other patrons, who were staring.

"Er. Sorry," Rarity said to them, sinking low into her chair. She quickly rebounded and leaned across the table to whisper loudly, "But you're not actually considering it, right?"

"Wweeelllll..." Sunrise drawled out.

"Oh no, darling! You know what he did to me at the Gala!"

"Yes, I looked into it..." Sunrise said cautiously, "Honestly, Rares, it seems over blown."

"Humph! Overblown?" Rarity huffed, "It was humiliating."

"Oh come on, Rarity, did you really expect the most eligible bachelor in Equestria to be pursuing you?" Sunrise said, lamenting having to defend somepony she hardly knew, "Isn't it more reasonable for him to expect you to pursue him?"

"Oh, I can't believe you're taking his side," she harrumphed.

"I'm not taking anypony's side," she said calmly, "I just think that you both went into that date expecting to be the pursuee and conflict escalated from there."

She crossed her hooves over her chest and looked away. "Well I'm the lady, I shouldn't have had to play the stallion."

"Sure... but he is the inheritor of a large fortune and a grand title," Sunrise said, trying to be the voice of reason, "Many mares have pursued him in the past who were... not of your character. And let's be honest, you were pursuing him, you just wanted it to be the other way around during the date." Because of your ridiculous romance novel fantasies.

"Maybe... but he was still terribly rude!" Rarity said, rebounding.

"Oh, who hasn't played hard to get?" Sunrise said in a teasing tone

Rarity growled, still looking away.

Sunrise let Rarity stew on it and went back to her meal. She'd gotten 'soy pork chops, marinated, broiled, then pan fried for crispness, extra garlic salt, low fat cottage cheese seasoned liberally with salad supreme spice, and a side of half ketchup, half steak sauce.' The poor waiter had struggled to get it all down and had brought it out wrong. After she made him take it back she heard yelling from the kitchen, which she got a kick out of. She wasn't sure if it was the waiter, the chef, or both doing the yelling but she'd worked in food service before and couldn't muster any sympathy. Having the occasional heated argument with the chefs, after hours of nerve-flaying rushes, had helped her develop a spine and the ability to be rude, even dickish, when necessary. It also taught her how to establish herself into any little group's dominance hierarchy using just words, rather than with the occasional use of fists required by high school.

"I... suppose I don't have the right to forbid you?" Rarity said carefully.

"You do not," Sunrise said after swallowing.

"Well I'm not happy about it," Rarity said, in a last, snooty effort.

"If anything you're convincing me it's a good idea. I came here on the fence, you know," Sunrise said, before taking another bite.

Rarity pouted. "He's a mare-izer."

"And I'll forever regret that I can't take his maidenhood," Sunrise said casually and with sinking implications.

"Are those..." Rarity leaned forward and glanced around, "rumors true?" she whispered.

"Well... you saw my shopping list," Sunrise smirked.

She gasped and smiled, "Oh you sl--!" she coughed into her hoof, "I suppose such matters shouldn't be discussed in public..."

Sunrise nodded as she chewed. She missed steak, the kind her father had made. "No they should not." Maybe I can get a griffon chef for the bar... I've heard rumors of ponies eating meat but I'll have to do some research. I know we can eat fish but maybe we can't do red meat. Or maybe it's a culture thing. I'm already up a creek for ignoring their norms. Not that I knew it at the time.

The mares were silent for a bit, simply eating, until Rarity piped up, "So... what is it you see in him?"

"Well, we only just met today, but we seemed to have chemistry. Plus, he's got a good head on his shoulders."

"Really? That lout? Hmph. That's a head I'd like to have seen."

"Rather than the head you went to the Gala to see?" Sunrise said before taking a nonchalant bite of her meal.

Rarity's cheeks reddened, "Oh shush, you."

"Anyway, you wouldn't be able to tell from his public persona but he's not an idiot, there was the issue with Trans-Equestrian Railroad and the Canterlot skydocks--"

"Honestly, darling, you know I zone out when you talk about your job," Rarity interrupted.

Sunrise smiled, "Because we all find fashion incredibly interesting."

"Oh, fair enough," Rarity paid as much attention as she could to her friend's explanation of the situation. "Yes, I can see how he might be a useful match," she smiled slyly. "So are you arranging your own marriage of convenience?"

Sunrise rolled her eyes, "Like I'd need a stallion to get things done."

Rarity giggled, "I'm only teasing, darling."

"Yeah, yeah... Anyway, I don't really know what to do."

"How so?" Rarity asked.

"Like," Sunrise looked out into the street and watched the ponies walking by, "would dating him increase my social status? Or would it be better to reject him? Or date him for a while and reject him publicly so everypony thinks I'm too good for him? Would it be bad to--"

"Uh, Sunrise?" Rarity asked. She'd been blinking excessively through the mare's rambling.

"Huh?" She asked, feeling forcefully pulled out of her train of thought.

"What does your heart say?" Rarity asked. I know the mare's a bit... analytical, but this is ridiculous! She felt the long suffering exasperation of the emotionally competent building up in her temples. I'll have to guide her along so she can figure out her own feelings.

"Umm..." Sunrise focused inward, toward the dusty little part of herself that felt romantic love. It didn't tell her anything. Is that because I don't like him or because it's not working...? Yet. Hopefully, it's an issue of yet. Anyway that's probably a sign. This is weird, isn't it? Yeah, it's weird. I'm doing my best to adjust to my new self but this is just too fast. Sex is just sex but romance is a whole deal. I'd probably end up suppressing the weirdness of it all until I broke down. Uncontrolled emotion? Absolutely unacceptable. Maybe I could try dating a mare first. Hopefully, I'm bi enough for that. I think I'm still attracted to the fairer sex but my hormones are so obviously different. I'll have to test it. Not many female guards I can... I guess the term is sexually harass in the workplace? Come to think of it, that doesn't really seem like much of an issue here. Is that just because they're stallions? Not that'll I'll be pushing for a castle HR department... Adapt and survive, the human motto, she concluded, but not too fast.

"You know what? I think I'll wait," Sunrise said after a time. I'll just have to think of a charming way to reject him.

"A perfectly acceptable thing to do," Rarity said with a smile. Yes! I'll get her to think about her own well-being yet!

"I'm too busy for all this, anyway," Sunrise said, pushing her food around with a fork.

"Ah, the classic recipe to a long and lonely life," Rarity said and took a drink to hide her smirk.

"Shush you."

Sunrise spent the next days diving into her research. Mostly. She made a couple public appearances. Smash hits, of course. Her press pool was just about perfect now. She held off on inviting Blueblood and she'd continue to do so until her share of the guild they were making was firmly in writing. She didn't think he'd backstab her but she also wasn't going to make an effort to show her rear flank. Naivety was tempting to certain sorts, after all.

She'd signed up for an acting class at the University of Canterlot, the second most prestigious school in the city after Celestia's, but with more opportunities for wide ranging connections. She'd attended a session and found it largely useless. Having joined up mid stream wouldn't be helpful in regards to learning what she needed but she had met a few of the students and staff. Maybe she could add a personal tutor to her studies.

The maids were getting annoyed with her persistent requests, mostly for books and consumables, but occasionally for the castle records which were always difficult to find. One had too politely informed her that she could hire an assistant at The Crown's expense. She sent her to get the bureaucrats to get that process started and send her some applicants. It would not be a fun task.

She'd held back on geopolitics so far but after seeing a few tidbits in the papers she rushed through her history basics so she could dive into the current situation in the world. Many of the specifics of history were lost during Discord's rule but it wasn't as bad as all the authors lamented in their diatribes. The general movements of history were well preserved. The trends and forces. They were the important part because they were predictable. You couldn't plan for a great man or a black swan, except to manage risk. After all, only an oracle could have foreseen the changeling invasion. But the great cycles of history? Those could be figured out. Predictions made. Profits gained. Disasters averted.

After days of building a miniature tower of babel out of finished books she finally knew enough to be properly concerned.

To start with the dragons were nearing their period where a new Dragon Lord would need to be picked. Given their history there was a 50/50 chance that they'd immediately invade a random nation. And a far higher chance that they'd do it not long after. Apparently, even though they were far stronger they lacked any sort of military discipline or organization, so pushing them back could be accomplished. However, the possible high casualty rate was not welcome. Further reading showed that on victory they usually destroyed the nation. Then, after a time, got bored, and hauled off all the riches they could carry back to their more comfortable Dragon Lands.

The Griffins were going through a period of reunification. This involved a series of bloody wars until a single dominant power was established and a crowning ritual was held in Griffinstone. For some reason this was seen as humiliating to the locals. They'd been the Griffin's first capital, but not once since then. Not after some goblet or other was lost and the dynasty fell into ruin. It wasn't important except that they usually invaded Equestria at least once during their political union, usually more.

The changelings were a constant threat, and probably the most pressing. Their spies and collectors were still being found, particularly in Canterlot.

The Zebras were an interesting case. Not much was known about them but some reports had come in about them experimenting with new military grade magic. What that meant, who knew? Regardless, it wasn't a good sign.

Then there were the consistent world threatening disasters that Twilight and the Elements handled.

There was even a bug bear attack, which is considered a bad omen.

All in all, Equestria was living through interesting times.

If anypony could see a war brewing, it'd be a human.

Author's Note

I like the image of Twilight building a book fort to insulate and protect herself while Sunrise builds a book tower to be seen and admired. Both have their little compulsions to protect themselves from social threats, but with very different methods.

Thanks to Sadron for proofreading.

Letters from Elsewhere

Dear Sunny,

I'm glad to hear you're meeting new people but I wish you'd make some real friends up in Canterlot. I'm not sure it's a good idea to only have friends you have to commute to.

I hope your project goes well. Where'd you get your head for business? No one in the family has one.

Speaking of commuting, Shining and Cadance want to apologize again for not being able to meet you yet. They said they've been too busy in the empire to leave so they've invited us to come and stay with them for a few days. Let me know when you're free and I'll set it up.

Rarity told me Blueblood asked you on a date. You didn't mention that in your last letter. Already keeping secrets? They grow up so fast. You did say you were working with him on a project so I should have assumed he'd try to make a pass at you. Thinking back on it he's done the same to me with some regularity, although I didn't realize it at the time. I thought he was just another annoying pony trying to infringe on my study time.

As for me, well you're not going to believe this, but A.K. Yearling is actually Daring Do! And Daring Do is real! Turns out that A.K. was actually going out into jungles and temples to find artifacts and fight Ahuizotl and then publishing books about it. Crazy right? We went on an adventure with her and Rainbow could not act like a normal pony. It was quote this line, sign my that, the entire time. It's too long to repeat here but I'll tell you all about it next time I see you.

P.S. Spike says you got a drool stain on one of his comics!

Dear Twilight,

I'd love to go up to the Crystal Empire and meet Shining and Cadance. I'll make some time. Although, I'll admit I may possibly be the teensiest bit nervous.

So I shouldn't assume I'm special then? That's certainly a confidence booster. Speaking of making passes, maybe you should've said yes one of those times. You're an expert at friendship but your experience with dating is lousy, isn't it? (I'm joking, of course.)

I look forward to being regaled on your adventure and Rainbow's fangirling. Her having a nerdgasm sounds hilarious.

So I've been having this weird, recurring dream. I (or maybe it's you?) am coming back from the library. It's my first time going alone and I get lost. Probably because I always have my head in a book on the way back. I'm wandering around getting more and more lost and I'm scared. After an hour of this I stumble onto a restaurant that I've been to before. A doughnut place. I'm so relieved that I walk in without thinking. The owner recognizes me and I tell him all about being lost so he gives me a free glazed doughnut and a cup of hot chocolate, which tasted vaguely of hazelnuts. After I finish I tell the owner I know the way home but he doesn't want me to get lost again so he walks me home. I ask him, "Please, please, please don't tell my parents! They'll never let me go out on my own again if they find out!" He says okay, but only if I promise to learn the way before I go out again. Then it's over.

It's weird, you know? I just feel so strange when I wake up. I don't know how to describe it. If it was just once I wouldn't think about it but I keep having it. I'm afraid to ask, but do you remember this happening to you?

Anyway, yes my project is going well. Fortunately, I've shuffled all the tedious stuff onto Blueblood so I'd say exceedingly well! I actually need to ask you a favor about that. Remember how you said you wanted to do one of my publicity events? Well, I'm sure you won't hate it but you're not going to like it. I know you'll say yes, so thanks!

P.S. Tell Spike that his comics made for a great pillow! (And that I hope I didn't drool on a collectible and I'm sorry.)

P.P.S. Don't call me Sunny.

Dear Don't-Call-Me-Sunny,

Teensy isn't a word. Neither is its superlative adjective form. But I'm sure it'll be fine! Spike and I will be there.

Nope. Not special at all, for him at least. I'm pretty sure he's tried to hit on every mare he's ever met.

Have you been doing those magic exercises I taught you? I know they're boring but they're very important for learning how to control your mana and do simple tasks by muscle memory. And before you ask, yes, I've been taking my flying lessons with Rainbow. She's making me wear a helmet so thanks for that. For some reason she thinks that if I get hurt you're going to make her start that union. You wouldn't know where she got that idea, would you?

By the by, I've noticed you're writing more and more with your horn, and that your horn writing is improving. Good job!

I've recently taken up the art of wing calligraphy. It's not going very well but I bought some expensive brushes and they're very pretty so I'm going to keep trying. I'm sure you'd appreciate the aesthetic of placing them on my office desk. When I get good at it I'll hang my best work on the wall.

In regards to the favor, nope. Not a chance. I don't even know what it is, but no. I know you're going to try to talk me into it so you'd better be on top of your game because I certainly will be.

The dream. Yes, I remember that vividly. And frankly, it creeps me out that you're dreaming of my memory. The place was Doughnut Joe's. That's how I met Joe and how it became one of my favorite spots in Canterlot. I don't know what to say other than I hope you don't dream of something embarrassing.

P.S. Spike says it's okay and to come visit soon.

Dear Twi,

Teensy is a word. Check the dictionary and if it's not there then check back in a decade.

Good to know. I'll be sure to tease him about it, maybe get a little offended. Should be fun.

I have to say I'm not enjoying the magic exercises. I really thought that learning magic would be more fun. Turns out it's a lot like real exercise but instead of a runner's high you just get a headache. Nevertheless, I shall continue onward. One day, if I work hard enough, I may even be average!

I'm glad we can cover each other's weaknesses. With you handling the physical world and me handling the social world we'll be unstoppable!

Thanks, I'm always happy to hear my efforts are worth it! I can still only write with the horn for a little while before my head can't take it, but it's a longer while every time.

Good to hear you're taking your flying lessons. You never know when you'll have to flee from something on the ground really, really quickly. And I have absolutely no idea where Rainbow would have gotten that idea!

You're learning! The best way to brag is to place objects that say 'I'm important and have better hobbies than you (and so on)' where other ponies can see them and start conversations with you being awesome as the focus. Send me one of the pieces you're proud of.

I'd be willing to bet you'll say yes in the end. Be ready, I told you early for the challenge!

I'm creeped out by the dreaming too, and terrified. I hope it stops.

P.S. I'll make time soon.

Author's Note

More of an interlude than a chapter, and not to be taken as an indication of time passing.

Thanks to Sadron for proofreading.

Hello Ground! Goodbye Earth!

A shining, shimmering star of pure magical energy in the shape of Twilight's cutie mark floated down from the heavens. All the ponies in Ponyville gazed up in awe at the falling star coming to a slow stop at the center of town. A great light flashed, revealing none other than Twilight Sparkle herself. She spread out her wings and basked in heavenly glory. Her friends were surprised, but very, very proud. They congratulated her, hugged her. Celestia even did some quick exposition while she was gloating about her student's success. It was a special moment, even considering the trial that it took to get to this point.

After a time the ponies began to walk away from the spot of the new alicorn's ascension.* Then the weird stuff started happening. A great white flash again engulfed the town and all eyes widened upon seeing a second giant cutie mark appear in the sky.

"Uh, Twilight?" Applejack asked, "Ah don't know how all this is supposed to work, but Ah'm pretty sure turnin' into an alicorn is only supposed to happen once."

"Pah- Princess Celestia," the new alicorn asked, "what's happening?"

Gobsmacked, the princess took a few tries before she could say anything, "I have no idea, Twilight."

All the ponies in Ponyville stared at the aberration in dumbfounded confusion. For a moment, just a moment, everything was silent and that was all that happened. Then the star began to scream.

*It wouldn't be long until a pony by the name of Tourist Trapper would create a thriving tourism boom in the little town, centered on this exact spot, focusing on cheap plastic stars and foal's fireworks which would shoot Twilight's cutie mark and be a continual annoyance to the residents. This would be Mr. Trapper's first successful venture, though not his most famous. That honor would go to the Giant Marewaukee Cheeseball, spanning a prodigious 30 feet in height until it started melting. It had stunk so badly that residents started fleeing the city. Any tourism it had had before the Cheeseball Incident dried up completely. He'd been forced to pay for the clean up and went bankrupt. The Marewaukee City Counsel had been so angry they'd brought back debtor's prison just for Mr. Trapper, a punishment that'd been banned two hundred years ago. In a cruel twist of fate for Mr. Trapper the prison wasn't far from the Cheeseball, which stunk long after the clean up. Worse, all the prisoners knew who he was, the guards made sure of it.

A few minutes ago, about 15,000 feet above the Earth

"Are you ready?!" the skydiving instructor shouted to a first timer over the rushing wind. He was having a hard time mustering the courage to jump out of the plane. Plenty of newbies did, it was nothing to be ashamed of.

"I am absolutely not ready!" he yelled back.

The instructor rolled his eyes. "You remember the lesson?" he questioned loudly.

"Yeah, I got it! I even took notes!"

He held back a chuckle, "Then you'll do fine," he yelled with a smile before he pushed his new student into the open sky. It was standard procedure in these cases, really. At least it was ever since they started getting sued by students who'd refused to jump and had been refused a refund.

The newbie let out a terrified scream which quickly became elated laughter as euphoria washed over him. "This is the best decision I've ever made!" he shouted to himself, not that he could actually hear himself over the rushing wind.

He counted the seconds, savored every single one, until finally it was time to pull the rip-cord. . . . He pulled it again harder. . . . Again. Panic blossomed in his chest. For a moment his terror was absolute, only for a moment though. He quickly regained control of himself. He pulled the rip-cord one last time, as hard as he was able. . . Nothing. He grabbed a hold of the release for the emergency parachute and pulled as hard as he could. He tried again and again until the ground seemed too close for a parachute to matter. "This is worst decision I've ever made," he mumbled to himself.

As the ground came rushing up to him he wondered why his life wasn't flashing before his eyes. There were some really great moments he wanted to relive. Instead he was treated to that one scene from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' movie.* You know, that one with the whale and the bowl of petunias, called into existence far above an alien planet. The innocent whale tried in vain to make sense of itself and its new reality only to snuffed out by a cold world, literally. A short, useless life, kind of like the man's actually.

*He would have preferred to relive the scene from the book. He was a snob.

His last thought before he died was of the naive whale's foolish cheer, I wonder if it'll be friends with me. Hello, ground!

Back in the Equestrian present

Twilight's giant cutie mark hung in the sky, screaming bloody murder.

The town's bewilderment ratcheted up to new, unforeseen levels. The silence was broken and panic set in.

"The end is nigh!" Daisy screamed.

About half the town charged off in random directions, a few ran in circles. The rest maintained their frozen, shocked state. Many of these ponies were bowled over by the other half of the town.

A more rational observer might have taken note that a pony's instinct to stampede may have evolved not to avoid the danger of whatever was threatening the herd, but to avoid the danger of getting trampled by the herd itself.

"The horror! The horror!" Lily shrieked.

The star seemed to take a deep breath before continuing to scream.

"A mere mortal has sought glory above her station! The gods have seen her arrogance! They are displeased with her! They are displeased with us! Faust forgive us, for she knows not what she has done!" Roseluck, who'd recently attended a poetry class, shouted in pseudo-intellectual terror. A few ponies stopped their spastic fleeing to gape at her. Many were quickly toppled by those who hadn't heard her.

A panicked mare slammed into Applejack but bounced off the sturdy farmer and crashed into the ground, "Err- you alright?" The mare mumbled something that sounded like it was in the affirmative.

Pinkie Pie giggled, "Stonewall Applejack," she said to herself.

The orange mare, hearing what may have been an insult, raised an eyebrow at Pinkie. "Ya wanna run that by me again?"

"Uhh... Princess Celestia? Should we do something?" Twilight asked, looking around at the panicked town for the first time.

"I'm sure they'll be fine," the princess said without taking her eyes off the screaming, breathing star.

"Err.. Right."

The star continued to scream and scream and scream until it finally made its way to the ground. Another flash of white light engulfed the town and the screaming stopped, only to be replaced by sobbing.

The pandemonium finally died down as everypony left in town square gaped at the sight of unicorn Twilight hugging the ground as tears streamed down her face. "Oh, ground! I love you! I'll never leave you again!" Rainbow Dash seemed to bristle at that comment, not that anypony noticed. "I missed you so much!" The mare began rubbing the side of her face into the dirt, in a distorted representation of a nuzzle. "And I know you missed me too~" she baby-talked at the earth, "cuz you were comin' at me so~ so~ quickly! I thought I was gonna die!" the mare gave the dirt a few big, loud smooches. *Mwuah!* *Mwuah!* *Mwuah!* The mare froze, lips puckered, face half an inch away from the no doubt germ infested ground. "Actually, how am I not dead?"

The unicorn lifted her head to stare at her surroundings. And stare she did, with wide, horrified eyes. She scanned the plaza seeing every pair of eyes locked onto her. She brought her hooves up to her face, looked at them in fearful wonderment for a moment. Then she craned her neck to look at her cutie mark. After a solid three seconds she brought her gaze to the other Twilight. More long seconds passed as the almost identical mares stared at each other. The unicorn Twilight saw the last few seconds of that one Hitchhiker's scene play in her head. 'Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh, no. Not again.''

"No," she whispered. It was quiet but in the still silence everypony could hear her clearly. "I'm not the whale, I'm the bowl of petunias..." The mare took her time to soak in this new revelation. Once she'd finally contemplated her fate she let out a long, horrified wail. It lasted about fifteen seconds before the volume began to die down as the mare started running out of air. This time she didn't take another breath. She just continued the same scream. Eventually she was finally out of oxygen, her mouth agape, a few seconds of breathless croaking left her throat. Her face turned blue. Then she passed out.

The entire town slowly turned their head from the passed out Twilight to the still standing alicorn Twilight. Said mare kept staring at her double.

It was Applejack that finally spoke, "That was the creepiest thing Ah've ever seen."

The present, on solid Earth, in a solid bar, in fact.

A former skydiving instructor looked down at a glass of hard whiskey. He'd quit his job after a tragic accident. Everyone had told him it wasn't his fault but he just couldn't stop thinking about what he could have done. I should have been better. I should have checked his parachute... Or let him stay on the damn plane. He picked up the glass and swirled around the liquid inside. It didn't matter now. He was staying on the ground from now on. It would be a safety requirement of his new life path anyway. He'd decided to take on a new, fulfilling career as an alcoholic. He took a sip of his drink. The liquid burned on its way down. He coughed, sputtered, gagged a bit. He wiped his face clean. "Barkeep?" he said dejectedly, "can you turn this into a whiskey and coke?"

The 'keep had a look of concern but he complied with the morose man's request. He got a lot of these sorts in his dive. They were usually better drinkers, though.

The former instructor took a sip of his new drink, this time holding it down. It helped the tightness in his chest but he was still disappointed in himself. He'd hoped to monologue for a bit about how he'd never understood how men could drink whiskey straight. About how he knew now. The burn, he would have said, was penance for past sins, a physical pain to distract a man from the spiritual pain. A burn in the body so a man could get used to the burning he was sure to find in hell. The man sighed. I guess you don't get to the melodramatics till later. Oh well, all new jobs suck. The cool stuff will come later. With a slight smile the newly minted alcoholic took a long drought from his whiskey and coke. Then he stopped smiling. Right, no smiling. Alcoholics don't get to smile till the third drink.

A hospital in Canterlot, Equestria

A loud yawn echoed out from a private, upscale hospital room. Followed by the sound of dry lips smacking together. "Man, I think that was the best sleep I've ever had!" Then there was silence. A purple unicorn lay in shock. "Was- was that my voice? . . . Oh, God. That is my voice," she whispered. The mare lifted her hooves up to her face and stared in wonderment, her mind racing a mile a minute.

That was how her nurse found her. At first she thought she was catatonic. "Miss? Are you--"

"Mirror, bring me a mirror... A big one."

"O-okay, Miss."

Word spread through the hospital and to the princesses quickly, it wasn't long before their strange patient was admiring herself in front of the large mirror that'd been dragged up to the third floor from a department store a block away. And admire herself she did, examining every little detail, striking poses, trotting back and forth in different styles, trying out new expressions, even speaking to her reflection in different tones and occasionally singing a verse.

"So what do I do with the ears?"

It took a moment for anyone to respond. A nurse fought through the whiplash of seeing a mare flirt with her own reflection in a husky tone, then ask such an odd question as though everything was completely normal. "Wha- what do you mean?"

"I mean, like, how do I hold my ears for different expressions? Like if I want to show disgust, what would I do with them?"

"They just.. I mean they'll just do what they do when you feel disgust," the nurse said, confusion plain in her voice and face.

"Like right there," the unicorn pointed, "you're confused and you have one ear pointing straight up and another flattened and pointing sideways. I've gotta know how much confusion that's supposed to communicate."

The nurse just tilted her head to the side.

The mare rolled her eyes. "Okay.." She looked around until she saw a slightly nervous looking guard, probably a neophyte. She turned to face him straight on, took a haughty posture and spoke with authority. "You there."

"M-me?"

"I need you to fetch me the most detailed, scientific book you can find on pony body language and facial expressions and I need it in my hooves yesterday, is that understood?"

"Bu--"

"That is an order, soldier!"

The guard looked like he was about to object but swallowed his words with a loud gulp. "Yes, Ma'am," he saluted and ran off. Her three other guards chuckled.

"See, Sweet Heart?" she said to the nurse, "I need to know where my ears are supposed to be while I'm projecting authority."

"I think you did fine, Ma'am," one of her guards said, earning a genuine smile from the odd mare. Or at least it looked genuine, the guard couldn't tell.

Princess Celestia and Luna were escorted through the hospital, when they neared an intersection they were met with the sight of a guard rushing passed them in a near panic. With new concern on their faces, they continued on. They'd been hearing weird gossip ever since they got to the hospital, but as they got closer to their destination it intensified.

"I heard she's been making kissy faces at her reflection for a half an hour."

"No, no. I was in there. She's been striking poses and checking herself out."

Celestia rose an eyebrow at that.

"Did you see that guard that ran by? I heard she traumatized him."

"Sister?"

"We'd best hurry," Celestia responded.

When they entered they were stopped in the doorway by another odd sight. Twilight, or at least the mare that looked like her, was posing in front of the guards. Her head was held high and her back held an arch. "Oh, come on. You're red blooded stallions, aren't cha? So am I attractive or not?"

"Er-uh, yes you're quite attractive," one of the guards said awkwardly.

"Thank you!" the mare, who was definitely not Twilight, said in exasperation. "Now what kind of attractive? Am I sexy? Pretty? Beautiful? Gorgeous? Cute? Adorable?"

The stallions made some sounds that could have been words but weren't.

"Oh, come on!" the mare shouted, she looked at the ceiling and held a hoof to her forehead, "How am I supposed to use my feminine wiles to bend stallions to my will if I don't know what kind of feminine wiles I should be using?" she said melodramatically. The princesses looked slightly alarmed.

"Frankly, Ma'am, I don't think you're really going to be needing those wiles to get your way," the eldest guard said.

"Although, I'd say you're pretty sexy," another one added.

"Really?!" she beamed, "Oh, I hoping for that!" She coughed into her hoof a couple of times. "Okay, let's try this one." She sat on her haunches and blew a kiss at the guard who'd called her sexy. "Thank ya, mistah," she said in her best sultry voice and winked.

The guard blushed and the mare giggled, "Okay, guys, how was that? Opinions?"

Whatever their response would have been was interrupted as Princess Celestia walked fully into the room. "Well I can see that you are certainly not a copy of Twilight."

"Celestia!" She bounced onto her hooves before bounding over to the tall mare and looking up at her expectantly. The princess leaned down and got nuzzled for her efforts. While a little surprised she responded affectionately.

Luna let out a light giggle as she walked into the crowded hospital room. "Luna!" the unicorn shouted and repeated the exact same process, she even got another nuzzle out of it from a surprised princess of the night.

"It's good to see you're feeling well," Celestia smiled down at the mare who looked just like her faithful student.

"Aye," her sister said, "We were worried that you'd be a mental copy of Twilight or would be having an existential crisis, but it appears our fears were unfounded."

"Well, don't relax quite yet," the mare said. "While I'm certainly no copy, I am having an existential crisis and expect it to continue for quite some time. That being said the doctor said I was 'a picture of perfect health,' however I'll be needing a detailed brain scan. My thoughts are a spastic mess right now and a lot of things are blurry. Some brain trauma would also explain why I have no idea what to do with my ears and tail and why I'm having a difficult time using magic," not-Twilight said, hoping this explanation would give cover to some of her odd quirks. She also legitimately wanted to know if something was wrong with her brain, she felt absolutely nothing like her old self and definitely had not been acting as she would have.

"That is most concerning.." Celestia said after a moment.

"Yes," the unicorn said, "but let's put it on the back burner for now. I need some answers as to how I came to be and I need to pick a name. I don't think my sister would appreciate it if I went around calling myself Princess Twilight."

"S-sister?"

"P-princess?"

Author's Note

Written in loving memory of the bowl of petunias,
Agrajag, who lived as he had died,
over and over again.

I got the idea for this from reading a few of the Twilight gets a human twin and human replaces Twilight stories floating around, particularly this one. I shamelessly stole the idea to have the main appear in a second cutie mark star, though not the screaming, and the waking up in the hospital and asking for a large mirror, though not the admiring and posing. It takes the direction of the new Twilight becoming the student of Luna, which is not where we're going. Its good, check it out.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/338399/an-unexpected-twilight

Thanks to my proofreader CitrusFizz