Lieutenant Bronzewing tensed for the attack he knew was coming. His wings were outstretched, ready to lift him at a moment's notice. His head was lowered, his mouth set in a steady smirk of anticipation, waiting for what was going to attack him so he could beat them into next week. He wasn't worried about a side attack. Beside him crouched Lieutenant Cherry Fizzy, one of the best hoof to hoof wranglers in the academy. Behind him was Captain Shining Armor, easily one of the most powerful unicorns he's ever met. There were no ponies he'd trust more to cover his flank.
Bronzewing shifted a bit as he waited for whatever was going to attack them to actually attack them. He watched for any sign that an attack was coming. And he watched a bit more. The smirk faltered and drooped until he was merely frowning. "Umm, Captain?" Bronzewing asked hesitantly.
"What?" Captain Shining Armor said quietly, his horn lowered and ready to blast the creature foolish enough to attack the Royal Guard.
"Are we supposed to just stand here until we get attacked?" Bronzewing asked.
"...Bronzewing."
"Yes, Sir?" Bronzewing responded.
"There's your answer." Shining Armor said simply, refocusing his attention on watching for the enemy.
A few moments passed in silence as Bronzewing considered that.
"Captain?"
"What?"
"Why aren't we being attacked?"
"Because you're talking." Shining Armor explained.
"Oh." Bronzewing thought that over silently until an idea occurred to him. "Captain?"
"What."
"Should I maybe keep talking, Sir?"
Shining Armor blinked. "... Why would you do that?"
"So we don't get attacked, Sir?"
"... ...Bronzewing" He said slowly.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Do you want to stand here all day?"
"...Um, should I answer that question, Sir?" Bronzewing asked hesitantly.
"Would I ask a question I didn't want answered?" Shining Armor asked.
"...um ... I don't know?"
"... Bronzewing."
"Yes, Sir?"
"Why would I ask a question I didn't want answered."
"um... well... you see, Sir..." Bronzewing shifted his weight nervously as he tried to think of something that wouldn't make this situation worse.
"Bronzewing." Shining Armor interrupted his stuttering.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Spit it out."
"Oh um, well a couple days ago some of the other guards were explaining to me about rhetorical questions, and I just thought that maybe-"
"Bronzewing?" Cherry Fizzy interrupted.
"Yes, Fizzy?"
"Do you remember that conversation we had about rhetorical questions?'
"...um ...yes, I mean I was just telling Captain-" Bronzewing tilted his head, confused.
"Bronzewing?" Cherry Fizzy interrupted again.
"Yes, Fizzy?"
"Do you remember how we told you to tell if a question was rhetorical?"
Bronzewing thought for a moment. "...um ...if they're yelling expletives at you than you should probably keep your mouth shut?"
"...And?"
"Drill sergeants don't count because they're always yelling expletives?"
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow at that statement. Not that Cherry Fizzy or Bronzewing noticed, since they were all still standing back to back.
"...And?" Cherry Fizzy asked patiently.
"If they're not directly asking you a question, than you should keep your mouth shut?"
"And?"
"If the answer insults them than you should definitely keep your mouth shut?"
"And?"
Bronzewing thought for a moment, "...um... I think most of it was just for me to keep my mouth shut?"
Cherry Fizzy wondered if he should feel proud that his friend had managed to grasp the important bit to that lesson, or if he should just give in to the urge to smack him over the head. "... yes, I'm glad you got that, but what was the exception to that rule?"
"If they stop and wait for an answer the question probably isn't rhetorical?"
"...and?" Cherry Fizzy prompted, 'You're getting closer...'
"If a commanding officer asks if you want to do something, the answer is never 'no sir'?"
"...That was a different conversation, Bronzewing." (But still relevant, so half points...)
"...oh" Bronzewing thought about that for a moment."Um, Cherry Fizzy?'
"Yes Bronzewing?"
"Does that rule still apply?"
"...At this point, honesty is your best policy, Bronzewing."
"Lieutenants." Shining Armor cut in patiently.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Are you finished?"
"...um- ow! I mean, yes Sir." Bronzewing said, shooting a glare at Cherry Fizzy. Who may or may not have just hit him over the head with a hoof. (Bronzewing really couldn't complain. It's not like Cherry was wearing his hoof-guards. Of course, Bronzewing wasn't wearing his helmet, so... Okay, I guess he could complain.)
Shining Armor waited for Bronzewing to answer his question. And waited some more. "Bronzewing?"
"Yes, Sir?" Bronzewing asked.
Shining Armor bit back a sigh,"...Would you like me to repeat the question?"
"...um, which one Sir?" Bronzewing said sheepishly.
"Do you want to stand here all day?"
"...oh, that one. Um, yes Sir, I mean, no Sir. So no, Sir? Sir?"
"...Bronzewing."
"Yes, Sir?"
"What do you want to be doing tonight?"
Bronzewing shifted nervously. "...um ...is this one of those instances where I should keep my mouth shut?"
Shining Armor blinked. "... okay, different question. What don't you want to be doing tonight?"
"...", Bronzewing opened his mouth to respond, only to close it with a snap as he reconsidered. Maybe if he kept his mouth shut, it would turn out to be one of those rhetorical questions, and he wouldn't be able to say anything stupid...
...
Unfortunately, it was looking like the Captain wanted an answer.
'Ok, think! There has to be something to say that isn't completely stupid... Honesty's the best policy. Just say something simple, like sleeping. No! Sleeping is good. Want to sleep. Pick something else. Like peeling potatoes, or running laps.'
"..." he opened his mouth to try again, 'But what if its one of those pick your own punishment trick questions...'
"...Do you want to be standing here all night?" Shining Armor interrupted his panicked musings. (Which was probably a good thing.)
"No, Sir?" Bronzewing said cautiously.
"Than what do you think you should be doing?"
"... um... waiting for something to attack us, Sir?"
"Silently." Shining Armor said firmly.
"Waiting for something to silently attack us, Sir?"
"... No. You should be silent." Shining Armor had the strongest urge to plant a hoof squarely on his forehead, if only to see if that would scramble his brains enough to make sense of Bronzewing.
"When they attack us, Sir?" Bronzewing sounded confused.
"... No, while you are waiting... nevermind." This wasn't working. If Shining Armor wasn't so professional, he might have given in that urge.
It was silent in the caves as the three silent companions silently waited for their silent enemy(s?) to silently attack them. Silently. (Bronzewing was still confused on that part. But he was silently confused, so it was good.)
...
"Captain?" Bronzewing didn't do silent well.
"Yes, Bronzewing."
"Why are we waiting to be attacked?"
"Because we haven't been attacked yet." Shining Armor answered with the air of somepony patiently explaining the obvious to somepony they had explained this to before. Multiple times. Repeatedly. While resisting the urge to shake them until their brain realigned itself in the appropriate manner with which to comprehend this information.
"...um, Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing."
"I thought we were just, um, attacked...Sir?"
"We were." Shining Armor answered patiently.
"...so, um, why do we want to be attacked again?"
Shining Armor really was being remarkably patient. "Bronzewing."
"Yes, Sir?"
"What just happened?"
"...um, I asked you why..."
He was determined to get Bronzewing to understand. "No. What happened before you opened your mouth."
"We were waiting to be attacked?"
"And why were we waiting to be attacked?"
"...um, because we hadn't been attacked yet?"
...
...
...
Eventually, Cherry Fizzy spoke up,"Bronzewing?"
"Yes, Fizzy?"
"I think he means why were we waiting to be attacked in the first place."
"...oh."
...
"Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing." Shining Armor answered patiently.
"Did you mean-"
"Yes, Bronzewing."
"So should I-"
"Yes Bronzewing."
"Oh, ok. Because we heard a loud noise that sounded like we were about to be attacked?"
"So what do you think we should do after we hear something that sounds like we're about to be attacked?"
"...um, prepare to fight?"
"So what do you think we should be doing?"
"...um, preparing to fight?"
"And why aren't we?"
"...um...because I'm talking?" Bronzewing responded nervously.
"Right. You're asking questions, I'm answering questions, and Lieutenant Cherry Fizzy is going to be running laps until his legs fall off because he is watching us instead of our surroundings when we are going to be attacked."
...
"Sorry, Sir" they chorused meekly.
...
...
"Captain?"
...
"... Bronzewing."
"Do we want to be attacked?"
"...Bronzewing."
"Yes Sir?"
"Do you want to be attacked?"
"... Not particularly, Sir." Bronzewing said, more than a little wary.
...
"But I will if you want me to be, Sir..."
...
"Do you want me to be attacked, Sir?"
...
"Sir?"
...
"I'll attack him sir, if you want, Sir?" Cherry Fizzy offered helpfully.
...
"Or, I could attack him, Sir?" Bronzewing offered.
...
'I'm going to attack both of you in a minute...' Shining Armor threatened silently as he counted to ten. Twice. "Lieutenants."
"Yes, Sir?"
"Why would I want either of you to be attacked?" Shining asked patiently. 'Besides the obvious...'
"...um..."
"...uh..."
"Lieutenants?"
"Yes, Sir?"
"Why would I want either of you to attack each other?"
"...uh..."
"...um..."
"Lieutenants?" Shining Armor tried very hard to keep the annoyance out of his tone.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Spit it out."
Bronzewing and Cherry Fizzy looked at each other nervously. Being braver, or dumber, Bronzewing decided to speak first. "Um, because you're annoyed at us?"
"And why would you say that."
This time Cherry Fizzy decided to take one for the team, "Because you have the same expression on your face as whenever you have to deal with nobles?"
...
"Lieutenants?"
"Yes, Sir?"
"How can you tell what my face looks like?"
"Because we're looking at... oh"
"Exactly. And how is looking at me going to help you see whatever is going to attack us?"
...
"Sorry, Sir."
"Congratulations. Now you two won't get lonely during your morning runs."
"Yes, Sir... runs?"
"Runs. As in plural. As in every morning until you two learn to keep your eyes focused on your surroundings during missions." Contrary to popular belief, Shining Armor didn't actually enjoy assigning punishment runs. It merely kept him from drastically reducing the Guards' ranks.
"Yes, Sir." If it was possible for two stallions to sound more dejected than Bronzewing and Cherry Fizzy did at that moment, it would surprise him greatly.
...
"...Um...Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing?" Shining Armor tried to be surprised that Bronzewing was still insisting on trying to hold a conversation.
"...so, um, do you still want us to wait to be attacked, Sir?"
"...Bronzewing." He tried very hard.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Would you rather move and not be ready for the attack?"
"...um... no, Sir?"
"Then I suggest you wait. Silently."
"Yes, Sir."
...
...
"Captain?" (Bronzewing really doesn't do silent well.)
...
'Would it be a bad thing to tell him to shut up?' Shining Armor wondered. Then he remembered the last time he told him to shut up, 'Yes, it would, because it would hurt his feelings and he'd be moping for the next week. It'd be like kicking a puppy.'
"...Yes, Bronzewing." He said.
"Are we going to be attacked soon?"
...
Bronzewing shifted nervously as he waited for Shining Armor's response. After a few minutes he opened his mouth to ask again.
But it was Cherry Fizzy who broke the silence. "Bronzewing?"
"Yes, Fizzy?"
"Do you have plans for tonight?"
"...um, possibly?"
"Do these possible plans include another pony?"
"...um... is this one of those times when I should keep my mouth shut?"
...
"Bronzewing." Shining Armor said.
"Yes, Sir?"
"I suggest you cancel your plans tonight."
"Yes, Sir..."
Shining Armor was proved wrong. It was possible for a stallion to sound more dejected. And it was pitiful.
...
...
"Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing."
"...um... I was just wondering... um... how am I supposed to cancel my plans, Sir?"
"... you just did."
"...um, Sir?"
"Yes, Bronzewing?"
"...well, um, you see, I may have possibly made plans with another pony... Sir."
"...Bronzewing"
"Yes, Fizzy?"
"Did you seriously make plans with another pony for the night after a mission?"
"...Well, technically I made those plans before-"
"Bronzewing."
"Yes, Sir?"
"Pay attention and listen carefully."
"Yes, Sir...?"
"When we return from this mission and have showered and been cleared by the medic, you will go directly to the nearest chocolate shop, I believe the closest is called Cocoa Chocolatiers's Confectionery, and request their apology assortment. They will probably be closed so you will need to knock four times on the side door. When they ask who you are just tell them Shining sent you. When you get the chocolates go straight to the flower shop across the street. It's called Flora and Fauna's Forest. They will also probably be closed so go around back to their green house and tap on the third panel from the left four times. You will be greeted by a bird with a pouch tied on one leg. Give the bird five bits and ask for the late coltfriend special. The bird will bring you a bouquet. When you have the flowers, go to the pony and tell them I kept you late doing drills, and you weren't able to send a message because the drills were off base. Do you understand?"
"...Yes, Sir?"
"Good."
...
...
"Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing."
"Are you sure we will be attacked?"
"...Bronzewing"
"Yes, Sir?"
"Is this your first mission?"
"...um, no Sir? I mean, you were ther-"
"Bronzewing" Shining Armor interrupted.
"Yes, Sir?"
"What usually happens on a mission?"
"...um, we go someplace to do something?"
'It would be a bad thing for the Captain to start murdering his Guards.' Shining Armor thought to himself. "After that?"
"We go home?"
'Seriously bad. Just think of the paperwork.' "Before that."
"We fight something?"
"Right, and what happens before that fight?"
"...um well, we usually hear something or see something...."
"And what do we do?
"We usually get into defensive positions to meet whatever is attacking us, or we run for our lives?"
"Bronzewing."
"Yes, Cherry Fizzy?'
"It's called a strategic retreat."
"Oh, right. We get into defensive positions to meet whatever is attacking us or we make a strategic retreat. Sir."
Shining Armor sighed. "Right, and what are we doing now?"
"...we're waiting in defensive positions to meet whatever is attacking us?"
"Hopefully soon..." Cherry Fizzy muttered as he flexed his numb foreleg.
"Lieutenant Fizzy."
"Yes, Sir?'
"Shut up." (Cherry Fizzy, on the other hoof, was not a puppy.)
"Yes, Sir..." Cherry Fizzy said, dejected.
"Bronzewing." Shining Armor said.
"Yes, Sir?"
"So what happens after defensive positions?"
"We get attacked?"
"Exactly."
...
"Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing."
"Do we have to wait to be attacked?"
"I'm pretty sure you already asked that question, Bronze." Cherry Fizzy interrupted.
"Well, what I mean is, do we have to wait here?" Bronzewing asked, "Can't we just go find them and attack them?"
....
"He has a point, Captain", Cherry Fizzy said, thoughtfully. "Why are we always waiting around for the enemy to attack us? Seems to me like it'd be a nice change of pace to attack them for once, ya know?"
"Lieutenants?" Shining Armor asked.
"Yes, Sir?" they answered together, (they were getting quite good at that)
"Are we they good guys or the bad guys?"
"... um, is this one of those rhetorical questions?" Bronzewing asked.
"No."
"Is this one of those deep, ethical, morality soul-searching questions?" Cherry Fizzy asked.
"...no."
"Then, I guess the good guys, Sir?" Bronzewing said.
"And what would you call a group that just randomly attacks others?"
"Uh, bad guys?" Cherry Fizzy said.
"That's how it is. Bad guys attack first, then we make them regret it."
They all waited in silence for the bad guys to come do their job and attack them so they could do their job and make them regret it.
...
"They are coming. We just need to be patient." Shining Armor muttered, half to himself, half to his team. "It would be rude to leave before we could fight."
"Yes, Sir..." They said softly.
...
"Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing?"
"We are going to be attacked, right?"
"Yes, Bronzewing."
"... Cause, its getting kinda late and-"
"Bronzewing." Shining Armor interrupted.
"Yes, Captain?"
"They're the bad guys."
"Um, yes Sir?" Bronzewing answered, unsure if that was something he should respond to.
"Is it really that surprising that the bad guys can be inconsiderate?" Shining Armor asked, hints of exasperation starting to show.
"...um, well, when you put it that way, no Sir?"
...
"Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing?"
"Is...um, well is there anything we can do to make them hurry up?" Bronzewing asked, trying to subtly bring his wings closer in an attempt to keep them from sagging to the ground.
...
"No", Shining Armor sighed as he answered, "No, Bronzewing there isn't."
"...oh"
"If it makes you feel better, you can file a compliant when we get back."
"Yes, Sir."
...
"Captain?"
"Yes Bron- yes Cherry Fizzy?" Shining Armor stammered as he quickly switched names.
"Can I uh...can I file that complaint too?" Cherry Fizzy asked, slowly rolling his shoulders to try to relieve the knot he was forming in his back from holding a crouch for so long.
....
"Yes, Lieutenant." Captain Shining Armor sighed and tried to get some feeling back into his hooves without moving from his position. "We will all file a complaint."
...
"Um, Captain?"
"Yes, Bronzewing?"
"Where would we file that complaint?"
...
...
