Chapter 1 - The Beginning Of A Legend
“Good, good... Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.”
Mahatma Gandhi
To say Fedora Man was obese was an understatement. He was fat, grotesquely blob-like fat. Jabba the Pizza hut-fat… A fatty fat fat. So fat that I couldn’t sugarcoat it, because he would eat that, too. You get the idea? Good.
This regal entity my dear readers, is most obviously our “hero”.
Anyways, come one fine morning, the bloated one groaned, removing his sheets before he breathed in the tainted swass of the room, his man funk predominant as ever. Like a bug on its back, his freedom came with a great struggle, it was only with some wiggling back and forth that he gained enough momentum to roll off the heaving bed. Several almost heart attacks later, he was on his feet, at last.
Breathing heavily, he wiped the sweat from his forehead only to find a lone chicken wing in his receding hair line. This left him with only one recourse of action. That was, of course, to stuff it in his mouth, chomping, and swallowing it as a whole. Now, one might find it hard to believe, but Fedora Man had horrible luck with the ladies. Yet, this majestic yacht of man ‘knew’ the truth, in that girls only fall in love with jerks, which was something he could never be. After all, what other explanation could there be for one who had such strong moral integrity?
Most of all though, he simply couldn’t bring himself to abandon his one true love, his waifu, which still rested on his bed, no matter how fake it was. It… or rather she was a side-sleeping pillow with a colourful print of Twilight Sparkle, though he would need to give it a fresh dose of lavender perfume… Either way, that could come later.
Now ready, he embarked on his daily exodus from his lair, with a lumbering gait, each step made nearby objects shake as he made his way up the stairs, pillow in tow. When he at last opened the door at the top, sunlight graced his ‘handsome’ features on his hunt for nourishment...
Hissing in mild discomfort, he at least knew he looked truly magnificent. Skin as white as snow, even his acne added to his regal presence, appearing more as freckles, or even a beauty mark if you will.
For a moment he hesitated.
He was not ready yet, for he could seek food and wash his false waifu later, no there was something else far more important that called him. He had to scratch an urge of a different kind first. A man had his priorities, after all. Knowing his goal to be a noble one, he returned to the basement, basking in the familiar darkness as it reigned supreme over the fading light and the sound of the door closing.
Now once again in his habitat, he passed a sideboard with an assortment of “action figures”, meaning “My Little Pony” merchandise, and stopped in his tracks. Time for the daily ritual. A smile gracing his face, his greasy fingers “delicately” grabbed a Twilight Sparkle plush toy. But it was not just any toy. No, this one Fedora Man had prepared with a special “device” in the “lower back” area. A device one might know as fleshlight, or better yet, his very own sparkle hole. A genius concept, he complimented himself. Surely this was better than the real thing! Although he had no clue what the real thing was like, being that he was not a jerk...
His hands began shaking with anticipation as he undid his belt, his trousers now sliding down his legs. He hadn’t seen his “little pony” for years, but still it was hidden somewhere under this immense mass of flesh and fat, that was his belly. In no time at all, or rather half a minute later an unreal smile graced his lips. His little pony stood at the ready, but before he could begin, he turned his twifu around so she no longer could see the breathtakingly hot scene that was about to unfold.
Cheating on her was an act vile enough, but making her watch was just plain evil. He couldn’t allow her to be tainted by his demonic, no, beastly needs. But now was no time for talk, no, her hearth’s warming would cum early this day. Reluctantly, he also laid down his pillow, but allowed it to peak over the bedding. It was not cheating after all, if it was a mirror pool clone!
In and out. In and out. So naughty... that clone was still watching him. Did she have no shame, or did it too share Twilight’s love of taking notes? He hoped so, as he continued to groan lustfully. Almost there... In and....
“Oh my god, Martin! Not again!” came a very feminine and familiar, yet distraught voice from the stairs.
Slowly, the 600 pound colossus turned his head. “MUM, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, I WAS PLAYING MY LITTLE POKEY, FRIENDSHIP WITH BENEFITS!”
His mum, ehhh, or his roommate rather, was very disappointed it semened. Oh, not this again...
On several occasions he had seen this look on her face, but he couldn’t quite decipher it as whole. Sure, she was disappointed, but there was always something else that lingered as well. Deep down, was it silent admiration for forging his own unique path down the road of life?
Still, the most recent example came to his mind, or yesterday if you must know. Which was when he had "accidently" fallen on a Buzz Lightyear toy, which in turn somehow ended getting stuck in his ass, and as a result his ever loving roommate had to drive him to the hospital.
Huh, stranger things had happened in his opinion, yet his roommate saw fit to defile Buzz Lightyear further by creating obscenities like...
“I don’t think Buzz meant rectal cavities when he said ‘To infinity... and beyond!’”
“I don’t care what he said in the movies, there was no way he crash landed there by mistake!”
“You can’t say you were roleplaying as woodie, you’re not a cowboy, and I am anything but proud of you!”
Bzzzzt, “Buzz Lightyear to mission log: All signs point to my failure of a son, aside from myself, there seems to be no signs of intelligent life anywhere nearby…”
“Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught you that life's only worth living if you're violating it. And here I traveled all this way to the doctors, to have them rescue that toy because I believed he at least retained some measure of worth!”
Then to top it all off, she added…
“39 years… and this… is what I have to show for it?! They told me there was a feeling of accomplishment in having kids… They fucking lied to me!”
Upon ending his reflections, Fedora Man found that his roommate was yet again berating him for things far beyond her level of comprehension.
“Stop watching your fucking cartoons and do something productive for a change, you’re a disgrace,” she took a deep breath, “Get a job, find a wife… or at least take a shower, you troglodyte!” she added before climbing the last few steps.
“Buuut Muuuuuum,” the 39-years-old man shouted, “This is not a cartoon. It’s anime. It’s superior.” If one had excellent hearing, you could hear Fedora Man mumble “Baka Gaijin” under his breath as his roommate shook her head in what was obviously shame for making such a grievous error. This kind of thing was why Seppuku was invented in the first place.
Still, she was his mom, and he would accept her, flaws and all. As a result, he would leave nopony left behind… Especially not his twifu that had taken refuge under the covers. Content in the knowledge that his roommate had left the room, he helped his friend and her clone escape their quilted confines.
Still, within a few minutes he was ready to at last help cleanse Twilight of his most ‘recent’ friendship lessons. With grim resolve, he was ready, now donning his trademark fedora, he would fight injustice and ignorance for yet another day. If one was carefully watching, they could see his features sharpen, his eyes gained an almost predatory look, and most of all, his hair appeared to spike up. It was as if this wasn’t even his final form.
Yet, even the great had things they must fear. Our hero though? His was that of the Sun’s ever piercing glare from the land above. So in turn, he decided to follow his life’s calling. He had given up common, mindless work to fight for a more just cause. He was an interwe(e)b warrior and the keyboard was his weapon to bring forth a righteous world.
Truly, the Neets were the chosen ones of this generation. They would be the ones to bring balance to this farce, as they beared its weight upon their back, much like noble Atlas. A choice they were not given, but one they too would bear proudly.
Grabbing a nearby bag of gummy bears, he grabbed a generous portion, and continued the never ending genocide. I wonder, did he at least wash his hands?...
In his mind, a perfect world, it would be one where no one was shamed for vanquishing a “properly”-sized meal. A world where 2D was recognised as superior to 3D. Where he could finally marry not only his waifu, but her friends as well! All, without facing the failures of society who couldn’t accept such a holy union, one must respect Equestria’s gender ratio after all. A world where all body shapes were desirable...
And finally, a world where nice guys scored first!
Huh, looks like he choked on that last handful of gummy bears and died.
Welp, you know the drill, ‘this was only the start of a great adventure…’
What!? It wasn't that cheesy. Stop looking at me like that, it was at least somewhat original?
Oh, sure you think that could have been more heroic, well what burning building did you expect this lard of a man to break into? Some rape victim to save, some car/lightning/plot device to get hit by? Seppuku? I mean c’mon, we both know this honky ain’t no white knight. Shit be cracka lackin yo!
Now, aren’t you glad we had this talk? Now, we can focus on the many derogatory terms for our friendly neighborhood crackers. I mean that's socially acceptable right, judging... oh wait, I’m whit… err afro american yeah, that shit be fine, yo!
Seriously though, we’re all just children with ancestors that spent differentiating times in the sun. So, off the flamebaiting, let's face facts, who does heroic shit like that and ends up in creepy horse land? Fruit loops, that's who.
Ok, I obviously can’t stop, but c’mon mang, I don’t really mean anything truly homophobic about that. I just use fruity words to describe anything that's bad in the world.
Still, if you don't like it, you can just jew off and stop being so fucking black about it.
Damn… Now comes the real question, where am I going to get some fruit loops at this hour?
Meh, down to the last of the bag, it's not like my kids need all that sugar coating...
*munching* Anyways…
For most ponies of Ponyville, it had been a beautiful day. The sun was just beginning to set, the skies were mostly clear, and there was a gentle breeze. It was peaceful for a time, until our glorious protagonist or something akin to a falling star, cause let’s be honest here, some stars had less mass, descended from the stratosphere. For a short time it was a rather majestic sight, until the trail came to an abrupt end in the….
Wait for it….
Everfree! Phew, now that was a surprise. Still, that’s where the object in question landed with a rather loud and dusty impact.
Most ponies didn’t realize it at the time, but a truly noble soul had come to seek refuge in their land. A life-changing adventure had begun... Ok, yeah, I said it again, now eat a bag of dicks, you ingrate!
Twilight was having one bucked up day. And all this bull shit, had came after Discord’s great escape the day prior. Still, that had just been the icing on the cake, for the entire week had been like this. One horse shitting event after another. Trying to calm down, she paced around her living room with a frustrated expression adorning her face.
Really, was it too much to ask for one day where she could reshelf the library in quiet tranquility!?
...
And her only answer, was silence, thank Celestia. Still, now that she thought about it some more, she could always just have Spike do it, he always seemed to love the chores given to him.
Now in regards to chaos and bullshit, one might think that she may have gotten lucky in a town as nutty as this one. But they would be wrong, for after dealing with the pony pie Rainbow left on her doorstep, alongside the other twenty or so warped events that had transpired before it, she had shut all the blinds, locked the library’s door, and ignored any knocking she heard. Public hours be damned, this Friday she was closed, and would stay closed even if Tartarus froze over. For at last she would have peace.
Nopony would steal this opportunity from her, or dragon for that matter. She had given him the most fun of all tasks. Dusting, sweeping, and mopping. While these were very stress relieving, she held herself back, and figured he deserved a reward for his good behavior.
Truly, one could not ask for a better JEW (short for Jovial Earnest Worker). It was rather amazing how Spike came up with that, as normally he hated the acronyms she made up. Either way, she always wondered if she should add BALBFF to that but it just didn't have the right ring to it, still he was most definitely her best adopted little brother friend forever.
Really, his only flaw was the constant bickering they shared over his weekly allowance, and his obsession with gem hoarding of course, courtesy of his big snout. But, honestly, it was so silly, she had no problem giving him a raise but to heckle over it each week? Utter madness, besides she had even provided him with materials for the cutest little uniform ever! Why, even Rarity had been impressed, entertained even, by his rather unique design. It always impressed her how much thought he could put into even the simplest of things.
It was a great little outfit, with vertical white and blue stripes, and a star by his neck, designating him as her truly number one assistant. Still, adoptive little brothers like him were hard to come by. She should really get him a treat, but she was on break. Plus, she could do that later so she wouldn’t interfere with the fun he was having in his little fort he made in the basement, or as he called it, Auschwitz. He even came up with a great slogan, “Arbeit macht frei”, which he said translated to “Work sets you free”!
One day, she really needed to look up the fascinating culture that had come up with those ideas. Just think of all the valuable life lessons they could teach us! Unfortunately, it would have to wait until later, for she still had a report to write, and books she had to study.
Taking a few minutes, she prepared some hot cocoa, before retreating to her balcony, where she spent the next hour filling out her report for Celestia on the lessons of friendship.
Trying as this week had been, it was at last the weekend, and nothing would interfere with her exodus from all things social, no it would be a tranquil and quiet weekend. Truly, her suffering was at an end, for two days at least...
For a time she lost herself in the beginnings of a beautiful sunset, before something had appeared in the sky. Was that!? It appeared to be a falling star, oh how she loved astronomy, yet something was odd, why did this one seem like it was drawing closer?
Being the ever curious mare she was, she floated over her telescope to see what she could make of this odd site. Whatever it was, it was huge, and on fire, as it should be, coming in at those speeds. But where was it headed?
Unfortunately, her train of thought was broken by the sound of breaking glass, coming from below her balcony.
“TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT, DID YOU SEE THAT THING IN THE SKY!?” came a rather familiar and overly perplexed voice from what she assumed was the one and only prismatic mare she knew, thank Celestia…
Oh god, what would her family be like? Shh, not now Twilight, slow deep breaths, just like we practiced in class. Okay, she could handle this…
“Rainbow, I'm upstairs, and for the last time. Please. Knock. Next. Time. You can’t keep destroying my windows, that’s destruction of public property you know!” Twilight spoke, in what must have been a rather ‘calm’ and definitely not agitated voice.
This was obviously a mistake as she had given up her position…
The nearby door flew off its hinges as her very ‘special’ friend barged through, “TWILIGHT, IT'S AN EMERGENCY, WHAT IN CELESTIA’S NAME IS THAT!?” Rainbow Dash cried out, frantically gesturing towards the object descending through the sky.
“It’s a falling star….” Twilight parroted, almost devoid of thought and recognition, now gazing upon the wreckage that was once her door and tea cart. Her beautiful crumpets...
“Really!? Wow, who is it? I thought I knew all the famous pegasi but I’ve never seen a color trail as large as that one!”
“....” ‘Twilgith’ gargled ‘wordleslly’…
“TWILIGHT!?” Dash squeaked in fear, “Are you okay, are you having an Agrarianism?” she questioned, unknowingly providing Twilight with multiple levels of wut.
“Why would I give two bucks about the debate between rural and urban environments? Oh, no.. am I starting to sound like Applejack?” she questioned in fear, not realizing just how far off topic they had veered.
“What are you talking about? I meant one of those brain fart thingies…” Rainbow added, obliviously.
“An aneurysm?”
“Yeah, that's what I said, weren’t you listening?”
“....” Twilight said nothing, she only could stare at what must be the empty mass that her friend consisted of.
“Oh buck, do I need to get a docker?
“Why…?” Twilight began to say, before accepting there would be no crates needing unloading, save for the obscenities her mind would produce in time over this debacle.
“No… you just.. surprised me, that’s all.” Twilight added quietly, until she heard a loud crash in the distance.
“Oh cheese and crackers…” she grumbled, so much for a quiet weekend. “I missed recording its landing..” she pouted while noting the impact site was in the Everfree.
“Oh buck, you think that star is alright!?” Rainbow questioned with great concern.
“It’s a rock, Rainbow…”
“Why would a pony pay to watch a rock perform?”
“...”
“Geez, ponies can be weird at times, right?” Dash added, “You… uhh sure you’re all right, we could go check out the docker still. You seem kinda frazzled.”
“Okay…” Twilight added, before her ever prismatic companion escorted her to the location in which she hoped to procure some very, very potent sedatives.
Chapter 2 - Fedora The Explorer
“Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken.”
Adolf Hitler
Fedora Man was sleeping the sleep of the just. Peacefully, his chest was rising and falling, while his eardrum-shattering snoring was gently announcing his presence to the entire forest, only at random intervals drowned out by the most amazing and vicious flatulences known by man.
This “special” dinner bell of snorfarting was attracting more than its fair share of woodland critters by now.
Among the first to arrive at the buffet of fail were Mama Manticore and her cub Bob.
“Dammmmmm!” they said in unison, upon finding just what unholy abomination had been making all that noise.
“It looks so chewy!” squealed lil’ Bob excitedly, as he shimmied back and forth on his paws, preparing to leap onto… whatever that was?
Mama Manticore, or Clawdia was still in awe, unable to even form a sentence. How was it even still breathing? It couldn’t possibly be healthy! Wait a second, what did her son just say?!
Oh no, he wouldn’t be eating anything that greasy if she had any say in it. Taking a leap forwards, she pounced, intercepted her cub by yanking on his tail, and quietly pulled him away.
“Son,” she whispered, “What did I say about junk food before breakfast!?”
Talking more quietly now, but excitement still evident in his voice, her cub answered back, “Buuuuuut Mom, that thing could feed our whole pride for months to come!” pointing at the sleeping colossus, “It must easily weigh as much as a… uhh...”
With the raised eyebrow of a mother she looked down at her son, “Yes, go on son, do tell.”
“Umm, as much as a Ursa Minor?” came the answer from her son, obviously, hoping she would accept his poor excuse in the hopes that it would get him a properly sized meal for a change.
Purring thoughtfully, “Well, that certainly is true…”
Accepting his mother’s approval, he tried to leap towards the monstrosity in question only to find himself being held in his place by his tail once again.
Snorting in amusement, “If that's the case, then we’ll have to hold off on feasting now, won't we? ”
Grumbling in annoyance he nodded.
“Besides, we both know it probably weighs as much as an adult Grizzly Bear.” she lectured.
Annoyed by this turn of events he pretended to cough,“Probably as much as you!” which too ended in a cough.
For this very flattering compliment he was rewarded with a slap on the back of his head.
“Son...” His mother admonished, “There is no way eating that could possibly be healthy! I’m sure we would be squirting it out of our asses for months to come.
“Buuuuuuttt muuuuuuuuum!” he whined,
Snorting, “Son, that would be the best case scenario, it's far more likely that digesting it would lead to something… chronic.”
“But I’m hungry!” he whined even more pitifully than before, thanks to the tears forming in his eyes.
Sighing in defeat, she glanced back at the oh so bloated meal in question, giving it another lookover. Healthy it was not, but he wasn’t wrong in how long it could keep the pride fed. Still, it was so bizarre, it looked almost as if it was one last breath away from expiring...
She hesitated. Could there be more to this mysterious creature?
She was drawn here by the musky smell of death, originally figuring that a pack of timberwolves had gotten ahold of some prey, and there would be a veritable feast awaiting them. However, this was not to be the case, for the scent originated from our lovely little neckbeard.
It was so intoxicating, for she had never encountered a smell quite as potent as this one before. She hadn’t noticed it until now, but she could no longer tell where the rest of the pride was. Was, this a trap? This bizarre miasma of death?
For it to be this massive, and resting so casually in the open like this… Was it waiting for its next meal to approach? Hiding behind the illusion of vulnerability? Why did it not have a coat, save for some around its face, neck, and forehead? She wasn’t sure, but in either case, she would not underestimate it.
Could it be an apex predator? It obviously had no troubles keeping itself fed, given the bloat it exhibited. Despite how unhealthy it sounded, it showed no signs of discomfort or weakness as it rolled over and grumbled something while thrusting against some oddly shaped pillow?
Taking a deep breath, “Son, think carefully of the scents that led us here…” she whispered
“What?” he asked in confusion.
“This must be a trap, that odd creature there is somehow drawing prey to it.”
“Really, Mom? It doesn't look all that dangerous?” The kid chimed in, as the bloated abomination in question squealed ‘uguu’ and grinded his lower half against the pillow with far more vigor than before.
Lewd...
Blushing, “Trust me son, there are no creatures in the forest that would be so brazen as to rest in the open after feasting like this.”
“But it doesn’t even look that strong?”
“If that was the case, then how would it remain as well fed as it obviously is?”
Eyes widening in shock “So it is a trap?” he quivered before shuffling behind her wings.
“I believe so.”
“Umm, so what is it?”
“I’m not sure, but in a way it reminds me of the cockatrice. It appears weak, but there is more to it than meets the eye.
“What then, Mum?” her son asked nervously, as he climbed onto her back.
“To put it mildly, this thing doesn't seem too mobile...” pausing, she put a paw to her chin, “Let's observe it from a safer spot,” she said before the duo took to roosting nearby in a large tree.
In a very very far far away land, Martin was having a wonderful time, for he was at last alone with his lovely Twifu.
“My Little Martin, My Little Martin” The ever lavender unicorn sang, as the pair enjoyed a picnic in a beautiful meadow, her hair blowing majestically in the wind.
“Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhh…” Twilight moaned, the sun had just begun to set.
“My Little Martin” she whispered into Fedora Man’s ear as they lay in bed.
“I used to wonder what friendship with benefits could be” she sang, facing him.
“My Little Martin” The proud purple prodigy blushed, staring into those unyielding eyes.
“Until you shared its magic with meeeeee” before trailing her tongue down the flaps of his neck.
“Big adventure” Dash ‘winked’ sensually, opposite side to Twilight.
“Tons of fun” Pinkie grunted breathlessly from below.
“Our very special Martin-san” Pinkie added, before assisting Dash and Twilight with his cream pie.
“Generously proportioned” Rarity sang in awe, bobbing down on what was probably three inches.
“A beautiful hat” Applejack sang dreamfully, nibbling on an ear.
“Sharing is…” Fluttershy paused when a rather loud smack echoed through the room, “caring!” she squealed, for the climax was near.
“It's a kinky feat” Twilight blushed
“And magic makes it all cumplete” they all screamed in ecstasy.
“You have my little Martin” Twilight added.
“Do you know you're my very best lover friend forever?” Twilight squirted, as they all began to drift away into the darkness, until something shook him.
“But please don’t forget about me” three voices sang in unison from the shadows!
“I will always dream of thee” Nightmare Moon blushed, diving below the covers.
“Thou canst forget thy Moon” Luna added, plopping down on his face, so he could continue to worship her deliciously decadent dessert.
“Nor will you escape my grasp soon” Chrysalis gruffly added before turning into big mac and ‘poking’ his side.
Martin could only scream in terror, as the others popped up, and r63 began to ‘invade’ him.
Acting on a mother's instinct, she covered her son’s eyes. Clawdia was rather disgusted by the odd creatures actions and not quite as concerned for their safety anymore. Still, try as she might, she couldn’t look away from the sight. It was somehow both enchanting yet undeniably grotesque.
“Mom, stop, I want to see!” her son squawked, obviously not understanding just how lucky he was in this situation.
With each thrust it made against the ground, a veritable wave of fat pulsed over its body. She still wasn’t sure which was worse, the rolls of fat, or his odd style of… well-practiced self-fornification. A shame she could not censor the noise as well, as her disgust was only growing with each higher pitched mention of ‘Uguuuuuuu’ and her son’s growing frustration at trying to free himself from her grasp.
“Son, Trust me, you do not want to shhhhh…” she quietly shushed.
She had just witnessed a rather large timberwolf enter the clearing, her grip had relaxed and her son managed to peek over her claws.
“Wow! That timberwolf is huge!” her son eagerly stated, perching forward over his mom’s foreleg.
“Shh, remember we don’t want to give away our position,” she quietly scolded him.
“Think they will fight each other?” he questioned in rather hopeful manner. While she was annoyed that he had ignored her advice, she couldn’t hold it against him too much, as she too was rather interested in what might unfold from these events.
Would the timberwolf prevail and they’d take advantage of its momentary weakness? Or would the coatless creature come out on top. Still, she’d have to scold him later, giving up their position was something that couldn’t be ignored.
Her son let out a gasp, and the pair of them held their breath when they noticed the timberwolf ready itself to attack.
Sniff Sniff. Death. Feed. Running.
Sniff Sniff. Smell is far. So strong. Yet far.
Sniff sniff. Near. Running. Found! Death? Prey?
Sniff sniff. Dangerous? Safe?
YOLO!
Mother and son could only watch with growing curiosity as the wolf leapt forward and managed to get its maw around one of the limbs, only for it to slip out of its jagged mouth time almost immediately.
“Why isn’t it hurting him?” asked the son, perplexed at how the sweaty looking object kept sliding in and out of timberwolf’s grasp.
“I’m not sure,” replied the mom, looking almost as perplexed as the wolf who was growling at the limb and circling it.
During this whole affair the odd creature had just made oddly high pitched noises, ones of entertainment she thought. However, when she heard an annoyed ‘Uguuuu’ at the last bite she knew the timberwolf had made a grave mistake.
To this predator, the intimidating wolf was no more than an annoying mosquito. It just flopped over onto of the timberwolf which shattered upon reaching the ground. It was… like the creature didn’t even feel the objects piercing its hide? There was no blood?
In a few moments, she could see the timberwolf trying to revive, the supernatural greenish-glowing magic shining from under the colossus... but each attempt was met with him rolling over it again, accompanied by an almost pained whine alongside his oddly sensual grunts.
Most confusing of all, it did all of this while still asleep! She was concerned, just how dangerous could it be when it… oh no… it was waking, and the timberwolf’s magic had just faded!?
That had never happened before! Just how dangerous was this thing? Thinking fast, she grabbed her cub and pulled them both into the tree so only their eyes were visible.
Squealing in distress, Fedora Man awoke with a startle. “Oh thank Celestia, it was just a dream,” he sighed in relief.
Wait, but if it was a dream, just what in Tartarus was poking his backside? Shaking off his sleepiness he quickly rolled back and forth before he could at last stand on both feet, in a surprising show of dexterity, for him at least…
Now fully alert, he tried to get a sense of his bearings. Why was it so bright? Why was he naked? The basement wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near this bright. Actually it wasn’t supposed to be bright at all for he had long since painted all the windows black. Holding his trusted mirror clone close he steeled himself.
Squinting his eyes in discomfort, the world around him came into view at last. What. The. Fuck. Why was he in a forest of all places. Did his roommate set him up for this? He wouldn't be tricked into spending a few months with the Boy Scouts again.
His inner reflections were broken when he heard a twig snap. Within seconds his ninja senses sharpened, and he pulled out his swiss army. Where was his knife of everything awesome stashed you ask? It came from one of his many pocket folds... The blade in question was the ever diligent Wenger Giant. Truly, the pinnacle of human achievements. While he may not of enjoyed his time with the cretins in the scouts he did admit their goal of always being prepared had been something to respect and acknowledge.
Now with a weapon at the ready, he let go of the breath he was holding. Why was he sweating so much ( more than normal….). It felt like the middle of summer but shouldn’t it be winter?
Eh, he could worry about that later, for now he was rather parched. The only thing that remained on his palette was the lingering taste of… his gummie bears. Wait… was that how his roommate had tricked him!!? SHE HAD DRUGGED HIS FOOD AGAIN, THAT BAKA GAIJIN WOULD PAY FOR SUCH AN URAGIRI (betrayal…).
Stoking the flames of his anger, he calmed himself, knowing that his cause was just, as always. With steely resolve, he gathered some mud on his fingers and brushed two lines under his eyes. His roommate would be held accountable for her actions in due time. For now he had to navigate these woods and find his way to the plebeians that ran the scout’s camp who would no doubt take offense to his current attire.
Glancing around, he didn't see any notable landmarks, but it felt rather familiar. Just where had he… Damn it.. Grunting in annoyance, he wiped some sweat from his eyes and forehead. Fuck this heat.
Suddenly a rather loud snapping noise came from above. Taking a defensive stance that he learned from Naruto, he fumbled about, before he finally unfolded one of its many blades.Truly, it was awe inspiring, sitting at 87 unique attachments, and the largest blade, the one drawn stood at a proud three inches. What would the gladiators of old think if they could see him now?
Ending his daydreaming, he glanced up towards the trees and found himself speechless…
“Oh my Dattebayo!” he squealed more inhumanly than usual. That was beyond cute.
“Here, kittty kitttttttttttty” he said in a manner that was entirely too creepy to appear as anything else. It seems our ‘hero was hoping to lure out a rather cute but nervous cat that was peeking out of some tree branches.
Being a proud member of Peta, or rather in spirit, he swiftly holstered his weapon in one his many pocket folds. He was still rather perturbed at those sub humans for banning him from their ranks. I mean sure, they had discovered his interest in ponies but they could not accept that it was only 2d ones. Truly, they were the baka gaijins...
Shaking his head, those thoughts would not assist him here. He would show the kawaii kitty that he was no threat. With this plan in mind, he took a knee and embraced his inner neko. Which meant that he kept making unholy cat noises.
“meuuuuururgghh, meurgh, MEEEEUUURRGHHH” grunted the monstrosity which contiued to defy all logic.
“Why did it just ask us to ‘butter its thighs’, Mommy?”
“I don’t really want to know, sweetheart...”
“meuuuw, meurgthhh, nyaaaaauguuU?”
( Anal Fissure Sauce? )
“Well… he has definitely noticed us,” her son gulped nervously, hiding behind his mom for an entirely different fear now.
“At least he doesn’t look hostile…” she stated before pausing, “We must consult the shaman on this” she declared, before taking to the skies with her cub in tow, leaving behind the squealing colossus that was somehow both terrifying and pitiful.
Fedora Man grumbled in dissapoint when he saw the... wait how was it?
“THAT WASN’T A CAT, IT’S A FREAKING MANTICORE!!!!” he shought.
Was he dreaming again? Pinching himself led him to believe that this wasn't the case. Feeling giddy, he began to fondle his majestic man boobs with great ecstasy. Truly, the promised time had come.
He quickly reached into one of his ‘pockets’, and pulled forth one of his countless backup fedoras. Now ready, he turned around, facing a nearby ledge, his brows tightened, as he adopted a pose filled with grim determination.
This left him with only one recourse of action.
“KAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEE” he could feel the power building
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAA” the time of the prophecy was upon us.
“MEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAHHHH” he shouted valiantly, going through his well-practiced routine. The pressure became unbearable, his body now completely in the grasp of this foreign yet familiar power.
“PHHHRRRTTHPPTPHTPHPHHPH!...”
...
Nothing had happened... Maybe, it was too early for him to begin absorbing the ambient magic? Yeah, that must be it... Or was it possible that he could be completely immune to that?! By Celestia’s teats, that couldn’t be possible, could it?
That would be the ‘worst possible thing’ that could happen in this situation! He wouldn’t be able to enjoy the delicate touch of Twilight's magic, or wait… could he? He always figured magic immunity would be worthless as one couldn’t benefit from healing magic, the magical touch of your lover, jazzercising his muscles, or even general spells. I mean sure, some idiots thought it would protect you from dangerous spells but really you just had to levitate something heavy and smush the cretin in question (not that they could ever view him as such).
But now that he had more time to think of it, it might just work. I mean sure he couldn’t enjoy the touch directly, but what if she levitated one of her… His face began to flush, as he thought about what she could do with socks grasped by her magic… Huh, would he be immune to Luna’s power? He hoped not, for he really wanted Luna to cum visit his dreams.
In any event it didn’t matter for he had already faced the ‘many evils of humanity’! This world would embrace him, and so would he embrace it. That could be the only outcome, for he knew the way of the ponies to be superior.
There would be no neigh sayers, questioning his love for another species.There would be no Baka Gaijins in a land full of understanding as this one.
He would no longer need to be a neet or interweeb warrior for the ponies knew the true value of community. Sharing and caring, forgiving and accepting, this was what awaited him now.
His epic task of safeguarding the few worthwhile bastions of humanity that were left was over. He could now focus on being the very best friend there ever was, to get their love was his real test, to marry them was his cause. Huh, he couldn’t help but wonder if he could get them to like Pokemon Go. For what true fan would not have a few other cell phones stashed in his pouches lest he ever be faced to go without its glory.
Truly it was a game without peers, it was the chosen one, despite how many people had complained about the neighborhood kids he gave candy to in exchange for them keeping his phones on him. Why did he do this, you ask? To offer him a truly boundless territory in which to prey in from the safety of his basement, of course.
And best of all no one would misinterpret his heroic actions like those plebeians who thought he was ‘creepy ‘round the kids’. Honestly, he was protecting them! He even gave them the opportunity to form ‘special bonds’ with a soul as noble as himself! For these children deserved to be taught the ways of someone truly ‘cultured’.
Except for Timmy, he was a complete subhuman. He was such a Narutard. I mean, who watches mainstream? Like really. Worst of all he was obsessed with yaoi. But when combined with that of the fabled Narutards? It could only end with Naruto spelunking Sasuke’s increasingly edgy depths.
This obviously made him a deviant beyond reproach, plus that baka gaijin always referred to it as SasuNaru. What a failure! It was always the most stupid of names that got the pairing. Naruske if you will, still yaoi was an evil that could never be slain, but here? He would be free from it at last.
He could even say Dattebayo without being judged… Okay well maybe it was okay to enjoy the show but not to the extent that little shit had! Besides Hakuza was the only logical pairing anyways.
Taking a deep breath, he grabbed his Naruto headband, donned it, and now he was at last ready.
(Pray to the author that he really was ‘ready’ this time.)
He tried but was unable to withhold his muffled squee. There were so many things he wanted to do. He could read comics with Spike, prank alongside Pinkie and Dashie, pose for Rarity, taste test the Apple’s wares, and help Fluttershy deal with her social anxiety.
But most of all? He could at last treat his Twifu like she deserved to be. He would truly be her best lover friend forever. A zone which no man can say they have ever claimed.
In any case he knew this forest like his little pony knew the inside of his palms. Noting the nearby path, he could tell it led to the castle, while the other direction would lead him to the town. Twilight would be proud, for he truly understood the importance of studying. He would be within town in less than thirty minutes, of that he was sure.
Taking a deep wheezing breath, our noble hero made his first step... and what was one small step for him, was but a giant leap back for ponykind.
Honestly... what horror had I unleashed upon this world? Would Equestria ever be the same again, once it came in contact with this bloated man beast?
Eh, probably not, but at least my kids had some Fruit Roll-Ups stashed in the cupboards.
What?
No, this isn’t any of that fruity philosophical bullshit.
Why would I have any interest in that?
You think that the fruit roll ups represent something deeper. The inevitable loss of innocence, the rape of a children’s show, you say?
*nomming sounds intensifies*
Feeeeeg
Author's Note
One Fedora at a time, we make Fimfiction great again, this is our pledge to you, meine Leser. Now I ask you not to crawl in your skin... but I'm tired of being what you want me to be nyaa...
Also we thought of making this chapter 3333 words again but that takes thunking and eforts.
