Undead? I had no idea!

by Banjo64

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random
Length: 4092

The final chapter of the less than epic zombie saga! Now that a cure has been found, will a single buck be given?

The final chapter of the less than epic zombie saga!

After months of research and setting Prince Blue Blood on fire, a cure has finally been developed for the zombie plague! At last, Equestria can return to a land where half the population isn't somewhat dead.

If only anypony gave a buck.

Cover Art by Midnight-Wizard

Published 2016-08-05 22:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-05 22:20:02 UTC

The End of the End that wasn't much of an End

It was a very sad day for ponykind. Business in Canterlot grounded to a halt. Schools were closed. Celestia withdrew to her chambers to collect herself. An overwhelming sense of despair swept across Equestria…

Because Prince Blueblood was alive, and he wouldn’t shut up.

“MY MANE IS ON FIRE! MY MANE IS ON FIRE! MY MANE IS ON FIRE!”

True, his screaming in pain had been amusing for a while, but after a few days of the noise everypony just wanted to duct tape his mouth shut. Even the Princesses.

“I don’t care how much he deserves it. If you can’t find some other way to stop the racket, then put him out,” ordered Luna with a resigned huff.

As the guards made their reluctant way out of the throne room, Luna turned toward the other group of ponies before her: The Royal Scientists.

“Alright, it has now been a week since the breakthrough. As I recall, you believed that discovering a way to reverse the mental degradation should enable us to completely restore our undead populace. Has this proven to be true?” she asked.

“Yes, your Highness. Once the conscious mind is recovered, the zombies become significantly more responsive to healing magic and potions. It will take some time for the rotting flesh to recover, but once fully restored we should have little trouble removing the last traces of the infection,” answered one of the scientists.

“Good. Please pass your information to the royal guard once it’s finalized, and we shall begin distributing the cure. These last six months have been quite stressful. Do you have any idea how much paperwork my sister and I have gone through to give the undead their rights back? And don’t get me started on what we’ve had to do with the changelings and their zombie love makers…”

“My Queen?” asked Frank, the royal servant to the changeling queen.

The horribly deformed figure of Queen Chrysalis gave a pained moan.

“I’ve come to give an update on the situation,” said Frank, levitating a clipboard behind him.

Chrysalis gave another moan, this one sounding more resigned.

“I’ll… just start reading this off then,” said Frank as he glanced at the paperwork and cleared his throat.

“Thanks to our new endless supply of love, we have finally ended our economic crisis. In fact, we have so much energy to spare, we’ve had to begin exporting it to make room. Combined with our new trade agreements with Equestria and several other nations, our political situation has vastly begun to improve as well. If we can manage to maintain this new peaceful approach, our hive may even be able to apply for recognition as an independent nation in a few years.”

“Our restored food reserves have also caused us to enter what is possibly Changeling-kind’s first golden age. Living standards have improved, our citizens are happy, and our populace has begun to grow for the first time in centuries... in more ways than one. Who’d of thought making our bodies more shapely would have solved most of our problems? I mean, the Equestrian Emissary still goes on about us being cuddle-lings now,” Frank said as he shifted his weight, causing his bloated stomach to wobble.

Chrysalis gave another moan, this one more agitated.

“Ah, right. The most important part. Well, between our experts and a few equestrian books on dieting, our new health department has finally reached a conclusion. If you continue laying eggs at your current rate, you should burn enough excess love to stand up again in only... two years or so,” said Frank.

Chrysalis gave a sob as her dreams of revenge slipped away.

Applejack blinked as her mind returned to her. What had she been doing? Why was she in her kitchen? And why did her head feel so... dry?

“Are you alright, ma’am?” asked a royal guard standing next to her.

“Uh… Ah think so? What just happened?” asked Applejack, looking around in confusion.

“Well, I don’t think there's’ a pleasant way to put this, so I’ll just be frank: you’ve been dead for the past six months,” said the guard.

Applejack raised an eyebrow.

“Ok… then why am Ah alive now? Ah know Ah don’t know much about magic law, but Ah could have sworn that necra… somethin’ was illegal,” she said.

“It is. And this wasn’t necromancy. It was a zombie plague, and the source was determined to be the result of an accident, not an attempt to take over the world or anything of that nature,” the guard answered.

“Really? Ah’m a zombie?” asked Applejack, her eyebrow still raised.

“I’m afraid so. It’s why the top half of your brain is visible,” said the guard, offering a mirror.

Sure enough, the top half of Applejack’s head was missing, exposing her grey matter.

“Huh. Always wondered what mah head looked like on the inside. Just about disgustin’ as Ah expected...” she mumbled.

“At any rate, a cure has recently been developed, and the recovery of your conscious self is the first step of the restoration process. If you have regular exposure to healing magic, your body should be fully recovered in a couple of weeks,” continued the guard.

“Ah see. Thanks. Now If y’all excuse me, Ah got work to do,” said Applejack.

She then grabbed her hat, carefully put it on her head (her brain was kind of sensitive), and headed for the door.

“Aren’t you going to wait until you’ve finished healing? Undead or not, it’s not healthy to go around with half your head missing,” stated the guard with a raised eyebrow.

“Ah got a lot to do, and Ah ain’t goin’ to get it done standin’ here,” Applejack replied as she stepped outside.

The guard just stared after her. “What is with the ponies in this town? Is even one of them going to be even slightly concerned about being undead?”

Lily hummed a tune as she and her definitely-not-zombie friends watered their flowers. Nothing was wrong with the world. She and her friends were most certainly not missing legs, eyes, or vital organs. Nope, everything was just fine.

Except…

“Do you girls smell something funny?” Lily asked Roseluck and Daisy.

“It’s probably the new fertilizer I bought yesterday,” explained Daisy.

“Ah, right,” said Lily with a nod.

It was definitely not the smell of rotting flesh.

A few minutes later, a stallion with a gaping hole in his side walked up to them.

“Hey, uh… I know you’re not open yet, but can I get a lily, please? I really need to apologize to my wife for being a zombie for the past few months,” he said with a blush.

The flower trio stared at him for a minute.

“Oh, sure,” said Roseluck, as she quickly plucked a lily and gave it to him.

“Thank you,” said the stallion with a grateful nod.

“Good luck!” called Daisy as the stallion walked away.

None of them screamed, ran away, or fainted.

Because there was absolutely nothing wrong with that perfectly normal zombie stallion.

And nothing else exciting happened to the three of them for the rest of the day.

At least, until Lily noticed a butterfly on her hat...

Rainbow Dash could feel her brain cells committing suicide, one by one. She wasn’t becoming a zombie or anything. She was trying to get an explanation out of Pinkie Pie.

“Uh… Can you run that by me one more time, Pinkie? How did you get your head back?” Rainbow tentatively asked, knowing she would regret it.

“Sure! I was making my way home from a party the night the zombies started appearing when I bumped into Berry. She seemed perfectly normal, so I didn’t do anything when she bit me. An hour later my head fell off, which felt really funny, but was also kind of gross. I didn’t want to lose my head so I picked it up, took it to Sugarcube Corner and stuffed it in the oven. Then I realized that was silly of me and stuffed it in the fridge instead. Then I kind of forgot about it and went to bed. Then when Mrs. Cake opened the fridge the next morning…”

Ruby Pinch sighed as she looked at her mother, Berry Punch. She was crying at her kitchen table, a bottle of particularly strong wine in hoof.

“Come on, mom. It’s not like you tried to start a zombie invasion. Besides, the Princesses forgave you, you’re not being arrested, and you didn’t even have to help pay for cure research because it was an accident,” Ruby said.

“It’s not the... *hic* ...zombies, Pinchy! Who gives a… a… a buck about that!?” sobbed Berry, pausing to take another swing from her bottle. The raincoat hastily tied around her exposed guts keeping most of the alcohol in her system, if not her stomach.

Ruby Pinch sighed.

“Then, what’s the problem?” she asked, already guessing the answer.

“I did it… I created the best drink in the... *hic* ...in the history of ponykind! It lasted months after I made it! I made it so strong it raised the… *hic* ...raised the dead! It was my greatest creation… But I didn’t write down how to make it! But the worst… *hic*... the worst part is… I can’t remember what it tasted like!!!”

Berry slammed her head on the table, sobbing hysterically.

Shaking her head, Ruby just picked up her saddlebags, and headed out the door.

“She’ll get over it. Eventually,” she mumbled.

“...And then I went to see Twilight, but it turned out she was a zombie too! And nopony seemed to care! I mean, you’d think somepony would have noticed I was missing my head. Well, unless everypony thought I was pulling some kind of prank. But that’d be silly! Headless horse jokes are only funny on Nightmare Night! And… wait, where was I? Oh yeah! So, after trying Twilight I decided to…”

“Fish finksh…” mumbled Applebloom. Her half-rotten jaw was making it hard for her to speak.

“Come on, Applebloom. It’s not that bad,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Yef et esh! Ah ca bahe falk! Wh’l mah mouf hawf ah rof?” Applebloom complained.

“Well, at least you can still speak at all. I heard that Silver Spoon is going to be stuck moaning for weeks.” Sweetie Belle pointed out.

Applebloom sighed.

“fruw. Fill nof appy abolf ef, fhow,” she muttered.

“Raaaainbooooow…” moaned Scootaloo.

“Scoots! You’re moaning about Rainbow again,” chided Sweetie Belle.

“Soorrrrrrryyyyy…” moaned Scootaloo.

“See what I mean, Applebloom? Your brain’s still working properly. The doctor said it’ll be a while before Scoots can think straight again with that hole in her head,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Ah du fuow. Ah fill fink she’f nof a shomvie,” said Applebloom.

A few seconds later, Scootaloo let out another moan, before slowly pointing a hoof toward her fleshless wings.

“Ah shill ont shee ef, Shoofs,” said Applebloom with a smirk.

Scootaloo didn’t let out another moan. She groaned. There's a difference.

“... And then I heard they made a cure! But I figured it wouldn’t work unless I had my head, so I had to go get it back. But after Mr. Cake tossed it somewhere I had no idea where to look. My first guess was to check if one of Fluttershy’s animals had found it but all she could tell me was that a giant snake had found it, swallowed it, and then threw it up somewhere because apparently it was too sweet for him. He must have been a really picky snake because I don’t taste that sweet. I’m really more of a salty-sweet with a hint of…”

The royal guard raised an eyebrow at the pony in front of him.

“Are you sure you need the cure?” he asked.

“Oh, yes! I really don’t want to end up being the only zombie at the post office if everypony else is being fixed,” explained Derpy.

“Ma’am? Are you sure you haven’t received it already? You appear to have already recovered.” said the guard.

Derpy got a determined look on her face.

“I know I’m not really good at being a zombie, but I still am one. I can prove it. Here, watch this. I’ve been practicing. *ahem* Muuuufinsssss…” she groaned.

The guard resisted the urge to facehoof.

“Ma’am, the entire point of the cure is to restore the mind of zombies, and you seem to have recovered yours already. All you need at this point is some general healing and you should be able to grow back that bit of skin missing on your leg,” explained the guard.

Derpy paused mid-moan, and looked at herself. Aside from a small gash on the leg that she thought she had lost a few months ago, she was completely healed.

“Oh. I guess that explains why my missing leg was itchy. I didn’t notice it had already grown back. Oh well. Sorry to bother you,” said Derpy with a smile as she flew away.

The guard gave in and facehooved.

“Not one. Not even one pony in this town…” he mumbled.

“...And then I found it! Except now it was in the hands of a Tartarus spawn who were trying to open a portal or something with it. I have no idea what he needed my head for, but apparently he had tried to do the same thing with a rabbit head and it only ended up making some kind of monkey come in and blow everything up. Now, I know we’re not supposed to make friends with demons, but he really, really wanted my head so…”

Octavia looked at her roommate in disbelief. Just when she thought she was used to Vinyl's antics...

“Vinyl,” she deadpanned.

“Yeah?” asked Vinyl Scratch, clearly struggling not to laugh at the look on Octavia’s face.

“Would you care to explain why and how you did this to yourself?” Octavia asked.

“Well… After a really, really long gig a few nights ago, I thought to myself, ‘wouldn’t it be awesome if I didn’t have to sleep?’ I could par… I mean, work all night and still be able to spend time mixing with my favorite roommate the next morning,” explained Vinyl.

“And…?” pressed Octavia.

“And, well, because I don’t want the mortgage lady to find out we lied to her. She can get really scary when she gets mad,” admitted Vinyl.

Octavia sighed.

“That is true. And while those might be… passable excuses, it doesn’t change the fact that you turned yourself into zombie. With half your face missing,” Octavia pointed out.

“Yeah, so? What’s the big deal? There’s plenty of zombies walking around in worse shape than me, and I made sure they’d finished that cure first so I don’t lose my mind, so it’s a win-win, right?” asked Vinyl.

“The big deal is that the disease was contained months ago! How in the wide world of Equestria did you get infected? And if you became a zombie only a few hours ago, how the buck did you lose half your face?!” questioned Octavia.

“Oh, that’s easy. I went up to Canterlot, snuck into the egg-heads’ place, made a big scene about how much I hated my life and wanted to die, and blew my face off. Then they pumped my corpse full of some infected stuff they were holding onto for science-y reasons, and boom. I’m a zombie,” explained Vinyl.

Octavia just stared, her mouth hanging open.

“You… you deliberately…” was all she could get out.

“Oh, and I should probably mention I’m legally required to attend regular therapy sessions for the next few weeks for ‘trying to kill myself.’ Don’t worry, I’ll pay for the bills myself,” assured Vinyl.

Octavia responded with a facehoof.

I’m going to count that as reason to claim that vintage wine she owes me. Celestia knows I need it… she thought.

“...And then I sewed it back on, and got cured! Did you get it that time, Dashie?” finished Pinkie.

Rainbow did, in fact, get it. It also made her want to throw up.

“Yeah… I think I did… and I wish I didn’t…” she muttered as she struggled to keep her lunch from painting the road.

“Yeah, you look kind of green, Dashie, and not just in your mane. Hmm, now that I think about it, it was kind of gross how that gopher chewed up my…”

Rainbow rushed to a nearby bush and tossed her cookies.

Flash Sentry shivered at the glares the royal couple were sending him.

“Flash Sentry. Are you aware of why you have been summoned before us?” questioned Shining Armor.

“Er… because I’m the only pony in the crystal empire to have gotten infected, sir?” guessed Flash Sentry.

“No. You were visiting your brother two days after the plague started. It’s a perfectly valid reason. Honestly, I’m kind of impressed you managed to avoid infecting anyone after you came back before it was contained. No, the reason you’re here is because of your behavior while you were infected,” explained Princess Cadence.

Flash Sentry winced. He couldn’t really remember what he had done while completely undead, but he’d seen more than a few problems around the palace he was technically responsible for.

“No, it’s not about the mess you made in the lavatory. The chefs were held responsible for trying to feed you rations well past their due date. It’s also not about the blood stains you left in the barrack bunks. We have spells to get those out. No, this is about what you were moaning every few seconds,” clarified Shining Armor.

Flash Sentry started sweating. This unfortunately also caused the holes in his legs and side to start itching. Salt and rotten flesh did not mix.

“Now, I’m an open minded stallion. Normally I don’t care what or who you think about in your spare time. However, even I couldn't help but be troubled by what I heard. Do you know what I’m talking about?” asked Shining Armor with a look that would be appropriate on a hungry lion.

Flash knew exactly what he was talking about. He was completely aware that he’d been moaning ‘Twilight’ for the last six months. He was also aware of how doomed he was.

“So then, Flash Sentry, I have one very important question for you. I expect an honest answer,” said Cadence as she leaned closer to Flash, causing him to fall back.

Here it came: the end of his military career.

“Team Engarde, or Team Jack?” asked Cadence.

Flash broke down into tears. “Jack! Always Jack! I’m sorry! I just… I just like anything to do with werewolves, ok? Even really cheesy romance novels…”

Cadence continued to glare at him for a minute, but then gave a satisfied nod.

“Good answer. You’re dismissed, Flash Sentry. Try not to let any more dark secrets slip now that you’ve gotten your mind back,” she with a smirk.

As Flash Sentry left the room, still sniffling, Shining Armor gave his wife a chagrined smile.

“Ok, point for you. I honestly thought he was moaning about my sister,” he admitted.

“Please. Flash Sentry gets a crush on every mare he sees. Unless Twilight starts crushing back, which let’s be honest is probably never going to happen, you won’t have to go overprotective-big-brother on him anytime soon,” said Cadence.

“Glad to know. By the way Cadence, about those books…” questioned Shining Armor.

“It’s easily the worst romance series I’ve had the misfortune to read, and I’ve read more than my fare share. I was just trying to make him feel better about liking it. What he enjoys is not for me to judge, no matter how trashy it is,” Cadence answered.

Rainbow sighed as she sat on a nearby bench, trying to get her stomach to settle down. She just HAD to ask. She just HAD to try and get an explanation from Pinkie. She just HAD to know the horrible, horrible details.

She prayed Luna would be willing to stop the nightmares she would definitely be having that night.

“Sorry about that Dashie. Here, these should help…” said Pinkie as she pulled a pack of Tums and a glass of water out of nowhere.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” said Rainbow as she quickly popped two into her mouth and washed them down.

“Oh, it’s no problem. I always keep plenty of Tums around in case of a Tummy emergency,” said Pinkie.

On the bright side, Rainbow didn’t feel so sick anymore. On the other hoof, she now had a headache.

“Now, watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie saws her assistant in half!” Trixie cried to the crowd.

“Which isn’t that hard, considering I’m a zombie,” moaned her temporary assistant.

A few ponies in the crowd laughed, though far more were starting to wonder if this show was worth their bits.

“If Trixie was merely cutting you in half, yes. It would be a cheap and lazy attempt to perform stage magic. However, Trixie has no intention of resorting to such lowbrow trash. No, Trixie shall do it without spilling a drop of his blood! Even zombies have this obvious tell of shobby spellcraft! Now, please get into the box, Trixie’s faithful assistant.”

What Trixie was not saying was that she had drained every drop of blood from her assistant’s body before the show, so there was no possible way she was going to mess this up. It wasn’t being lazy, she genuinely intended to perform the trick properly. It was just an insurance policy so that the show went well.

She needed this show to go well. It had cost her so many bits to talk the zombie into working with her because EVERY magician in Manehattan was using one in their shows.

Too bad she didn’t realize until after the contract was signed that this was because before the cure came out zombies didn’t really need to be paid.

Twilight Sparkle sighed as she gazed at her reflection. Once again, she was rocking the eyepatch.

“I am never going to live this down. Princess Celestia’s personal student couldn’t recognize the difference between a zombie and a pony who hasn’t drunk their morning coffee. Applejack doesn’t even drink coffee,” she mumbled to herself.

“Cheer up, Twilight. There are lot of other ponies with way more embarrassing stories about how they got infected than you. Besides, the zombie problem is already solved, so you don’t have to worry about it,” reassured Spike.

“I know, I know. I’m just… disappointed in myself I guess. I mean, trying to find a cure to a zombie plague just seems like something I’d be perfect for. Probably would have taken a lot less time to finish it if I wasn’t infected,” admitted Twilight.

“Well, it’s over and done with now, so no point in losing sleep over it. Anyway, you ready to head to Sugarcube Corner? Everypony else should already be there for the end-of-the-zombie-apocalypse party,” said Spike.

“Sure, though I wish Pinkie would have waited a few days first. I can’t eat anything until this hole seals up…” Twilight sighed as she poked her bandages.

“Eh, I doubt you’ll be hungry anyway. I’ve heard Pinkie’s been telling ponies what she’s been up to the last few weeks and it’s really, really nasty,” said Spike as the two of them headed out the door.

And so the great zombie apocalypse came to an end much the same as it had begun: without a single buck given.

Or at least that’s what everypony thought. In truth, there was one last unaccounted for zombie that was never cured. In fact, nopony realized he was a zombie until centuries later when he was found in a giant jar of mold.

“Jeelllllllllyyyyyy.”

Author's Note

I actually finished this back in April as part of the nightmare that's been the Babs chapter for URBC. I've just been sitting on it because I couldn't find an editor. Since I put up the new URBC chapter a few days ago, I decided I'd waited enough, possible grammar errors be darned.

Enjoy the final chapter to my zombie series so I can focus on working on my other zombie story that's also about robots and changelings.

And yes, I decided that Tums exist in this universe just so I could make that pun. You're welcome.