Malgrephor The Demon

by Black Iron Tarkus

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 15632

A human comes to equestria... as a Tartarian demon

(if you you haven't read 'Echo the daimond dog' and 'Griffin the griffin' read them first, this story is based on the theories they have of what goes on in Equestria and beyond it's borders; plus, they're both great reads)
They told me i could be anything......... well, I really didn't have a choice in this situation. Normally when a human goes to Equestria, they say human or become a pony, or a least that's what usually what happens in fanfics; that's not my case. of all things I could have become, I became a Demon from the pits of Tartarus.

Published 2012-06-24 18:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-07 23:34:33 UTC

What The Hell Am I?

Like most bronies, (or is it bronys…..Bronyes……..Broni? Whatever.) I first discovered the magic of friendship on the internet. Almost immediately, I fell in love with the show, then, I fell in love with the fanbase. I loved everything about Bronies (I’ll go with that); the fanart, music, fanfics, and even the fans themselves. I was so glad to have found this odd new side of myself; the first few weeks of my newfound attraction, however, where a bit bittersweet. I wasn’t quite sure what people would think of me if I told them or they found out. What made it even worse was the fact that I had just moved to another STATE; long story short, I didn’t know anybody. But, my worries where soon put to rest, as I made a friend that was just as much of a nerd I was; I mean, the guy knows where the iconic phrase: ‘The spice must flow’ is from. I told him I was a brony after we got to know each other, and, surprisingly, he tolerated.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!

On top of that, my mom actually caught me on Poni/booru. At first, she just made fun of me, but listening to a few points I made and her seeing a couple of seconds of video made her understand my genuine interest for the show. She said, and I quote:

“Well I’m glad that it’s not because you’re gay; I mean it’s okay if you are, but I want Asian grandbabies.”

God, I love that crazy, Irish, Italian, Texan ginger.

It took me a while, but once I felt completely comfortable with my ‘Bronyism’ I actually started to wear a T-shirt with ‘Brony’ printed across it in big letters in public. Hell, I walked my dog in that thing.

Lately, I’ve been trying to find fellow bronies anywhere I can. Until they release that documentary on bronies, and it gets good feedback, I ain’t talkin, to nobody in RL about no ponies. So, my only option is to stick with the Bronies online.
I’ve also gotten addicted to a site called: Omeagle. Basically, it’s like chat-roulette, except you don’t know who you’re talking to, no webcam, and you communicate by text and text alone.

I don’t know about you, but to me, that screams: ‘TROLL BAIT!’. This site is great for lulz, and seeing what crazy shit people can come up with. But right now I’ve been doing something way different.

Step 1: go on Omeagle

Step 2: start chat by saying ‘Hi’ and wait for a response

Step 3: Say ‘Brohoof?/)’

Step 4: ???

Step 5: profit

You would not believe what kind of shit people will spew from their mouths. Most of the responses with along the lines of: ‘Yiff in Hell, Furfag!’ or ‘Bronies are the cancer of the Internet!’. Which were all swiftly dealt with by simply retorting: ‘U mad bro?’. I had this one guy on chat for twenty minutes. The moron when through every obscenity known to man, and I was just batting him around like a cat does with a wounded mouse. It was just plain pathetic.

Stranger: RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH PEDOPHILES RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!

You: u mad bro?

Stranger: RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH FURFAGS RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!

You: I think u mad.

Stranger: RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!11!1!!!11!!!!

You: he mad.

Today I when on chat, expecting a plethora of lulz, but something different happened: I actually found another Brony. That didn’t really come to me as a surprise; what happened next, however, did.

You: Hi

Stranger: hi

You: Brohoof? /)

*Stranger: (\ Brohoof! /)^3^(*

You: Buck Yea!!!!

Stranger: LOL

You: So who’s your favorite pony?

Stranger: Pinkie Pie, Hands down. She’s so random! And you?

You: Twilight Sparkle, she’s mah Waifu.

Stranger: rofl. Whatever floats your boat dude.

The conversation continued like this for about 30 minutes. We exchanged thoughts about the show, favorite episodes and theories we had about season 3. Then, he asked: The Question.

Stranger: so …. You wanna go to Equestria?

Thinking the question rhetorical, I then said what any Brony would say.

You: is that a joke? Of fucking course I’d like to go!

What the guy said next really caught my ass off guard.

Stranger: ALRIGTHY THEN, OFF YA GO! GOOD LUCK!

You: wtf hhuj kfgbhz dihgbrj,znfkb .aNZ>::trh rae h5itu o;5 yhi egp afb o;4ctp/ha qogfil uw hug ,jlx dcbx eee ee av bl5tn y m9uti ysmfn ;me, sdftyugki khjhl ;ifod hrkfuilu a eiorauoi; trwyh kt5e ah8 ikyey lt5 er au9o tae8ur 485 478o t5u w8lr gkre yiutr au igse

I found myself being sucked through some kind of wormhole, as I desperately tried to hold on. Unable to get a grip on my mushy keyboard, I slipped into the portal as I lost consciousness.

‘Ok, what the fuck just happened? Ok, ok calm your tits, try retracing you steps. I got on Omeagle, talked to a brony, got asked if I wanted to go to Equestria, said yes, got sucked into a wormhole’

This whirled around in my head as I lay on my back, eyes closed. I laid there for I while before I realized: ‘maybe I should get up?’ . Figuring that was a good start, I open my eyes. I was met with a bright, clear blue sky.

‘Ok…………..suddenly I’m outdoors. Why am I outdoors?’

I lifted my head off the ground to observe my surroundings.

‘A forest………………………Why the fuck am I in the middle of a forest?!’

But suddenly, I noticed something was off. Looking again at the bark of the trees, I realized it didn’t have a natural hue, but instead a bright, vibrant one. I began looking around more, noticing everything had a ‘Cartoony’ (hint, hint, you idiot.) look to it.

(………………………………………………thinking…………………………………………………………………………)

“HOLY JUMPING JESUS CHRISTMAS BISCUT, I’M IN EQUESTRIA!”

Whoever that weirdo was, he did it, he actually did it, he sent me to the one and only Equestria.

“OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!” I shouted with zest as I leapt to my feet, attempting to dance on my tiptoes and shake my hands in a pseudo Homer Simpson fashion. However, I fell flat on my face. Upon tasting the dirt, I realized that my body felt totally different.

‘Aw buck yea! I’m a pon-‘

I stopped myself mid-thought, as I could feel hands.

‘Awwwwwwwwwwwww……..nonononono don’t think like that, I could be something else, something awesome! Ok, maybe I’m a diamond-dog!'

I rolled over onto my back to properly investigate my form Nope. I looked at my hands to find no fur whatsoever.

‘Scratch diamond-dog.’

Inspecting my hands further, I saw that they were covered in black scales.

‘Scratch Gryphon.’

I saw that my fingers had one-inch, needle-sharp claws; kickass. Looking at the backs of my hands, I saw strange markings. On my right-hand there was a red, eyeless animal skull with large goat-like horns. On my left, was a neon blue Hexagram with strange runic symbols at each point; awesome. Further down my arms, I saw clusters of jagged spikes on the tops of my forearms; sweeeeeet. Looking at my arms as a whole, I could say one thing to describe myself:

“Dude, I AM BUFF!”

This day was getting better and better. Now, it was time to have a look at my legs. The first thing I noticed was the frayed, red cloth wrapped around my waist. Holding it up, was a tarnished, bronze belt with a spherical red jewel in the center; nice. My legs appeared to be bent back any appeared really muscular. On the top of my knees, were large spikes; those should be useful. Finally, my feet; they weren’t feet, instead they were large hooves; bitchin’.

‘Scratch dragon, I guess.’

I stood up, giving my legs a test walk, easier than I thought it would be.

‘How could this possibly get any bit better?’ I thought to myself. I was quickly answered by a light breeze. Thanks to that breeze, I felt something on my back. Well, no so much on my back, more like ATATCHED to my back. Then, it hit me.

‘Oh. My. GOD! Do I have-?!’

I whipped my head around, and I was right. There, on my back, was a huge pair of bat-like wings. Upon this discovery, I balled up my fist, putting it a few inches above my head and shouted:

“YES!………………..YES!”

I’m not quite sure what Bison was so excited about, but I sure as shit know why I’m so worked up.

‘I HAVE FUCKING WINGS! ME GUSTA!’

I gave my new limbs a flap, and then stretched them out to their full span, which I had estimated to be about eight feet. Then, I felt something else, on the lower part of my back. Once again, I looked at my back, this time lower, and what did I find? ANOTHER set of Wings! I know, fucking awesome!

“TWO SETS OF WINGS?! DOUBLE ME GUSTA!”

I was so excited that I broke out in a dance. This was an overload of awesome. I’m scaly, I’ve got claws, I’m buff, I have hoofed feet, I have FOUR FUCKING WINGS,AGAIN, DOUBLE ME GUSTA, and I- wait…. What do I look like?

Upon my realization, I began looking around; for what you ask? A pond, duh. This wasn’t a hard task; I just looked to my right and BAM, pond. Of course there was pond, there’s ALWAYS a pond. As I approached the small (and conveniently placed) pond, my mind raced.

‘What do I look like?’

‘What if I’m ugly?

‘What if I have some kind of sick growth?’

‘…………………………… What if I’m Cthulhu?’

Once I reached the pond I tightly shut my eyes, and bent over, so that I would be looking directly at the water. After much thought and courage mustering, I opened my eyes.

‘Scratch Cthulhu.’

To my surprise, my face look oddly human, however, I looked nothing like I did before. My chin was broader, and my brow larger, excluding the fact I had black scales. I had long black hair that had been pared down-the-middle. What should have been the whites of my eyes were yellow; my pupils black and where slits. My ears were long and pointy (I’ll be adding mutated elf to the ‘what the hell am I’ list). I also had two large fangs on my bottom jaw. On my head were-

“AW, HELL YEA!”

-horns, and they were huge. They had at least a four-inch circumference, and were pointed backward. They did sort of a dip in the middle then curled back up at the end. All-in-all, the only thing I could do was give my reflection a smoldering look and say:

“Who’s that handsome devil?”

And, if I might add: what? What am I? I never saw anything like myself in the show, or anywhere else for that matter. But then, when I thought about the show, I remembered where I was. With that though I puffed up my chest, put my hands on my hips and said:

“Who gives a shit what I am?! I’m in Equestria, and I’m fucking SEXY!”

Now, I was concerned about finding civilization. If I was where I thought I was, being the Everfree Forest, I was also close to Ponyville. But first things first, I had to learn how to fly; easier said than done.

The process took around three hours. Hovering was quite simple; I found that flapping my first set of wings and then the next and repeating this process was an effective way to do so; I figured it out within thirty minutes. Now, actually flying was a different story. I had to figure out the specific patterns, maneuvers and learn to adapt to a wind surge. Needless to say, my hard work paid off. I could FUCKING FLY. It was the single most awesome experience of my life. I could freely soar through the air, without a care in the world. I was enjoying myself so much that almost forgot why I wanted to learn to fly in the first place.

With that I began to fly up, higher and higher until I could see for miles around. Making an eye-visor with my hand, I began to look in all directions, looking for the town of legend. My heart skipped a few beats when I saw the small, colorful town; it was so close. With a huge grin spread across my face, I zipped toward the town, as fast as I could.

As I got closer to the town, I began to see the familiar parts of ponyville. Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy’s cottage, town hall, the libra-

*THWOOP*

Something crashing into me, now that’s new. However, what cashed into me wasn’t. By quickly examining the mass that struck me, it was revealed to be a Pegasus with a blonde mane and a gray coat………… wait WHAT?!
“Whoops, sorry mister.”

The Pegasus’s eyes met my own,or maybe they would if she wasn’t……………..WALL EYED.

“DERPY?!” I shouted, half shocked and half geeking-out. I just entered Ponyville, and THE Derpy just crashed into my arms.
‘Why does it feel like I’m falling?’

Once I stopped freaking out over Derpy, I realized that I hadn’t been flapping my wings. Panicking, I began to franticly flap my wings in order to stay airborne. Unfortunately, I had already fucked up my flight pattern, so I had no luck in doing so. There I was, holding Derpy in my arms, falling toward the Ponyville farmer’s market. The only thing I could do was ball up and hope that I didn’t break something.

Thankfully, I didn’t break anything; well, at least not any of my bones. But I did roll into a market stall, which had been unoccupied at the time. As I lay on the ground with my eyes closed, allowing the pain to pass, I heard ponies scream at the top of their lungs, followed by the stomping of their hooves. I opened my eyes to find the once busy market to be completely empty.

‘So much for first Impressions.’

Remembering she was in my arms, I looked down at Derpy to see if she was ok. I had been extra careful with her to make sure she didn’t get hurt in the fall. She looked back at me, with a smile that made my heart melt. To my surprise, her coat was softer than I had initially though.

“Gee mister, thanks”

‘HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG’
“No problem.”

Hold on, why isn’t she freaking-out? You’d think that upon seeing a…bat….lizard….elf…..faun…… orc…..guy from the dragon age II trailer……… thing, you’d automatically run; yet for some reason, Derpy was happily laying snug in my arms.

‘HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG’

I gently set her down on her hooves; allowing her to stand. She turned toward me, that same dopey smile that made me suffer a heart attack twice.

“Hiyah, I’m-” she stopped herself, mid-sentence, as she remembered that I had said her name when she crashed into me. The smile turned into a confused frown and she tilted her head.

“Hey mister, how come you know my name?”

‘CRAP! She’s on to me! Quick, make up some kind of excuse!’

“Ummmmmmmmm, wild ass guess?” I said as I put on my best poker face.
‘You idiot.’

However, she smiled telling me she actually bought it. But then she asked another question that that caught me off guard.

“So, what’s your name?”

‘Damnit! I can’t believe I forgot to work on a name! Ok, think think think, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.’

“Malgrephor.”

‘Thanks Magic: The Gathering, I owe ya one.’

“Nice to meet you.” Derpy said as she extended her hoof. Almost immediately, I grabbed it and began to shake.

“Likewise.”

OH MAH GAWD! I’m shaking Derpy’s hoof! Hey gaise, u jelly? As soon as Derpy let go she took flight and waved back to me.

“I’d like to stay and talk, but I gotta’ get some mail delivered. Bye mister Mal-gree-fer.“

And with that she was gone. Meet Derpy: check. Now, I needed to find the main six; that is unless the whole town has barred their doors upon hearing about that “that monster that attacked the market and took an innocent mailmare hostage.”

Everything turned out better than- horribly wrong

'Sup Gaise? a bit of a forward.

let me say that i won't be updating as fruequently as i want to. Why? because i have the attention span of a tsetse fly

also, somebody asked for a picture of Malgrephor. Unfortunately, I lost my ability to draw years ago. So, heres a Gaia avatar to fill the void. i duped him to the best of my ability.

Made using this.

============================================================================

I entered town to find that I was absolutely correct. The entire place had locked itself down as if a 13th century gang of Italian mercenaries was about to ride in. Despite the fact I couldn’t see them; I could FEEL everypony in ponyville watching me.
I looked at the quaint houses, seeing pairs of eyes peering through the dark windows, which would quickly dart back behind a curtain upon noticing that I could see them. Thanks to my ears, which were apparently more acute than that of a human’s, I could hear faint conversations. I could also hear a shrill voice signing about… me? My best guess was that Pinkie pie had spontaneously made up some kind of song about me, like she did with Zecora. Though my hearing wasn’t good enough to make out what the ponies were saying, I could tell they didn’t know what I was either.

That boded nicely. Not even THEY knew what I was, and this was Ponyville, what with having to deal with creatures from the Everfree running amok. On top of that, the ponies were obviously scared shitless of me. In an attempt to make myself seem less threatening to them, I tried to seem as if I was lost or something.

“Hello? Is…..anypony there?”

Nothing.

Things were starting to turn sour as I came to the conclusion that no form of coaxing would draw these ponies out. But then, I heard something else. Judging by the fact it wasn’t muffled, meant that sompony was outside. Not only that, but whoever it was, it was somepony’s voice I recognized
.
‘MAH WAIFU!’

OTHER than the fact that Twilight is best pony, she was likely the only one who could convince the locals I didn’t bite. I began walking in the direction of her voice. As I ventured closer, I began make-out what Twilight was saying.

“Helloooooooooo, where is everypony?’

Twi had obviously been in the library while the news was being spread.

“uh, I dunno Twilight, what if it IS zombie-ponies this time?”

“Spike, do I have to give you that eight-hour seminar on how zombies could never possibly exist again?”

“*sigh* no”

By now, the conversation was highly audible; I was close. I turned a corner, and there she was, looking in the opposite direction, standing near the library doors. I was standing in the presence of THE Twilight Sparkle, element of magic and best pony! Oh, and Spike was there too. I had imagined this moment would be just awesome, but in the end it was about 20%-

Author’s better judgment: NO! GOD! NO GOD, PLEASE NO! NO! NO!...............................NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What?

ABJ: THAT FUCKING CATCH PHASE IS OVERUSED AND FUCKING STUPID NOW! IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH INFANTS! THE VERY THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE AUDACITY TO PUT THAT FUCKING LINE IN THIS FIC MAKE ME SICK THAT I SHARE A BODY WITH YOU!

Alright, alright, jesus.

-I had imagined this moment would be just awesome, but in the end everything turned out better than-

ABJ: NOOOOOOO! FUCKING NO!

Oh, Goddamnit. Fine!

-It was more awesome than I had initaily anticipated.

THERE! You happy asshole?!

ABJ: No, you suck. Go die in a hole.

Bite me (curse my confidence issues).

ANYHOW-

I could feel my chest getting tight. This was it. I would talk to Twilight; convince her I was the good guy, allowing her to convince the populace of the same, thus winning the hearts and minds of the Ponyvillians. Weeks later, some kind of monster would appear, leading me to discover that I had some kind of weird power that I use to kill the beast, making the ponies afraid of me again, causing Princess Celestia to summon me to be judged, only for me to convince her that I meant no harm to anypony. And so, I live happily ever after, and everyone fucks, The End. Cuz that’s how all fanfics are, right?

Well no time to waste. Licking my hand, I raked my hair back, and started walking.

‘Now remember dude, SMOOTH.’

‘Yea, yea, yea, I got this.’

I put a slight strut in my walk and an aloof grin on my face.

“*sigh* what could it possibly be this time that’s has whole town in-“

“*ahem*” I cleared my throat behind her. Upon hearing this, she hastily turned around.
“Oh, great, sompony to explain what the hoof is…… going……..”

Initially, her eyes met with my abdomen, and proceeded to move up my chest, onto my face before meeting mine. Her mouth hung open, as she stared in awe of the freak of nature that was ME. Spike was also dumbfounded, according to his priceless expression and fumbling of his words.

“Good afternoon, Madame.” I said, breaking the ice.

“He-hello?”

“Pay-tell, to where hath the inhabitance of this fair community gone?”

‘DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!’

‘Uhhhh…..being smooth?’

‘JOSEPH DUECRUX ISN’T SMOOTH!”

‘What did you have in mind?!’
‘I dunno! Sean Connery?! Bradley Cooper?! Harrison Ford?! Fuck, you could have settled for Nicholas Cage!’

‘Should I try one of those?’

‘NO! YOU ALREADY FUCKED UP! IF YOU CHANGE NOW SHE’LL GET SUSPICOUS! JUST ROLE WITH IT.’

‘Alright, alright, fine.’

I redirected my attention to Twilight, who was giving me a weird look; after all, I had been standing there silently for fifteen seconds. I knew I was off to a rocky start, so I had to pull out all the stocks, I had to use my best line; NO, not My best line, THE best line. For thousands of years this line has wooed many women without fail. This line was of the gods; the Muses themselves could not withstand its power. For the longest time, it had been past out of all memory, but I had uncovered it, and now I would use this unparalleled line to not only win win the trust and heart of mah waifu, but ALL of Equestria.

I took a deep breath, and-

“Stop right there criminal scum!” a voice said. I knew instantly from its masculinity that it was a Royal guard. However, instead of wondering what the hell he was doing here, I had focused solely on what he SAID.

‘Oh God. The temptation………it’s……..to great. Must ……resist…....urge……. to make………….REFERENCE! ...........................................................DAH FUCKIT!’

I spun around, pointed at the guard and shouted:

“RESIST ARREST!!! BLAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAA!” I threw my head back in laughter. Although, I soon regretted doing so.

*WHOOP*

I felt a sharp pain as a hard object struck me on the forehead. Before I could figure out what had hit me, I felt myself beginning to stagger.

‘Dammit! I’m blacking out AGAIN!’

And I was right, I fell flat on my back. But the last thing I saw was Twilight standing over me, her horn illuminating, and an encyclopedia levitating next to her.

‘Twi’ hit me over the head?!’

(…………………………………………………………………………)

‘She digs me.’

-CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE-

“Are ya sure you’re ok sugarcube?”

‘AppleJack?’

“I’m all right, which is more than I can say for this thing.”

It took a few seconds, but finally remembered that Twilight had beat me over the head with that big-ass book. Now, I’m guessing the mane-six are ‘examining’ me. I immediately told my body to keep still, in order to avoid being hit on the head again.

“Well I’m glad this ghastly creature didn’t hurt you. Ugh, just look at that filthy cloth it’s wearing!”

AW SCREW YOU RARITY, DIS BE MAH SWAG!

“You should have been here sooner AppleJack, he was making some REALLY funny noises!*snort*”

Great, now they know I whine in my sleep.

“So Twi’, what is this thing?” a shrill boyish voice said. Rainbow Dash I’m guessing.

“I haven’t the slightest idea; I’ve never read about ANYTHING like this. What do you think lieutenant?”

“I’m afraid that I too have no knowledge of such a creature.” Said the same crusty voice from before, obviously the guard, sticking around in case I woke up.

“Heh, looks pretty cool; I mean, four wings? Talk about awesome!”
I know, right?!

“umm, T-…Twilight?”

D’AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

“What is it, Fluttershy?”

“If if it isn’t……. too much to ask: Was it really necessary to hit him over the head?”

Hm, good fucking question, thanks Flutters’.

“Really!? Fluttershy, you of all ponies? I mean, are you even looking at this thing!?”

“Well, you’re assuming he’s bad just because he has sharp teeth, horns and claws. From what you said, he was asking where everypony was. What if he was trying to find a place to stay?”

For a few moments the group remained silent.

‘Yeah, that’s what I thought!’

Then, I heard AppleJack pipe-up.

“Maybe you should send uh letter tuh the Princess? she might know what this big-lizard-thang is."

‘OH GOD! ANOTHER REFERENCE URGE! MUST………………RESIST! ........................DAMN IT ALL!

I jerked my head up, put on my best Pewdiepie voice and shouted:

“HEY! I AM NOT A LIZARD!”

Collectively, the group whipped their heads toward me.

“By the Regal sisters, it’s woken up!” the guard yelled.

“You don’t say?!” I sarcastically shouted. The next thing I noticed was the same Encyclopedia from before levitating in midair.
“NONONONONONONONONONONONONOOOO!”

Too late. I watched helplessly as the enormous book headed straight toward my face.

“Aw, fuck my ass.”

*BAM*

-CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE-

“You, wake up.” I heard the guard say as I was nudged by what felt like a hoof. I blinked awake, finding myself leaned against a tree. I looked to see the guard and several others standing around me.

“Stand up.” The guard ordered. Jeez dude, you could at least say please. I was about to put my hands on the ground, but I found that I couldn’t even move them. I looked down and saw that my hands were bond by a chain that wrapped around my waist, pinning them to my stomach. I also saw another set of chains strapped across my shoulders, which I assumed were
restraining my wings.

“I said, GET UP!” the guard barked.

“I’m working on it!” I blurted. Pressing my back against the tree for support, I put my hooves flat on the ground and pushed down, bringing me to my feet. Now that I my head was above the guards surrounding me, I could see a huge crowd of ponies gathered outside their homes. They all looked at me with disgust, like I was some kind of rabbit animal. Mothers were shielding their fillies stereotypically; as if I was going to do anything all chained up like this.

Well, this day just went spiraling downward. I’ve been bludgeoned by my favorite pony, I’m now in the custody of a bunch of angry royal guards, aaaand the whole town hates me. Just wonderful, wouldn’t you agree?

“Now, follow us.” the guard said as he turned around and began walking down the street, the others doing the same.

“And just where are you taking me?” I asked with a sarcastic tone, thinking I wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Princess Celestia has ordered that we take you back to Tartarus.” The guard recanted, not even turning to look at me.
Hold on…......Tartarus? From what I understand, Tartarus is Equestria’s equivalent to the Netherworld. The Netherworld is inhabited by ghouls, tormented souls, and demons.

(…………………………………………………pondering……………………………………………………………)

‘I'M A DEMON!? KEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWL!’

“What in Equestria are you smiling about?”

My attention jerked toward the scowling guard next to me. I hadn’t even realized that I’d put on a stupid smile in my excitement.

Poker-face

“Nuthin’…”

The guard continued to glare at me for a few seconds before turning back to the road. With that, I continued to hang my head.

Glancing to my right, I saw the mane-six; looking at me with the same scornful looks, save for Fluttershy.

‘Now THAT hurts.’

“Mal-gree-fer?”

My head snapped up upon hearing the mare’s voice. I saw Derpy hovering above the crowd. Her eyes were perked open; she had probably been looking for me. Poor thing; she must have been so confused when nopony would answer their doors.
Dispite her walled-eyes, I saw them pan over my bindings. Her expression quickly changed saddened, even she knew what was going on.

“W-wait, stop! He didn’t do anything wrong!” she desperately cried. My eyes darted toward the crowd. As I thought, they were all looking at her with mixed emotions. Some puzzled, others taken aback, but most were annoyed.

‘Damn.’

“It’s alright Derpy…… I’ll be fine.” I said with a smile. She looked at me for a moment before forcing a smile and nodding.

I feel bad for lying to her.

Into The Dark

Well, what else can I say? I wandered into Ponyville, expecting a warm welcome; instead, I was shunned by everypony, knocked-out by Twilight, twice, now the whole town, including the mane-six, hates me because I’m a demon apparently, and here I am, trudging through the Everfree forest, bond by chains, surrounded by Royal guards, being forced to go to Tartarus; all because of how I look. I guess it was natural of the ponies to be afraid of me in the first place, and then they found out that I’m a demon, and hated me altogether. The princess DID order these guard to send me back to Tartarus, so they probably put 2 and 2 together, and after that incident with Cerberus going on a rampage, I doubt the Ponyvillians (or ANY Equestrians for that matter) would be thinking highly of this place.

Heh heh, get it? Not thinking highly of- and Tartarus is……………… nevermind.

I especially feel horrible what I brought onto Derpy. They all must think that hypnotized her, or something. I can even picture Twilight running test after test on her.

We’d been walking for a few hours; we didn’t really talk at all. To be frank, the effect of walking through the woods for several hours has a similar effect as sitting in a car for the same amount of time.

‘I’m soooooooooooo boooooooooooooooooooooored.’

Beyond that, I was heading for what seemed to be my inevitable doom. With this realization, I knew that the time I had between here and Tartarus was short. So, I decided to have some fun with these assholes while I still had the chance.

“Hey!”

“…………….”

“Hey gaise!”

“…………….”

“Gaise?”

“……………………”

“GAISE!”

“Drrrrrr! WHAT!?”

“Gaise, do you think pigeons have feelings?”

The guards just looked at me, with unanimous expressions of: WHAT THE BUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?! They all turned back, not entirely sure what to think of my outlandish question. They had NO IDEA what was coming.

“…………Sometimes…………. I DREAM about cheese.”

“Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball and pretend I’m a hush-puppy.”

“Gaise, what if all the air in the world turned into wood?”

“Wise Confucius say: Stallion who wish to nail a mare must first learn to hammer.”

“Sometimes my farts smell like peanut butter.”

“Hey gaise, sometimes when I’m alone, I like to strip naked and rub vas-”

“Shut up!”

“Aaaaaw, wai?”

I gave them a few minutes to cool down, and then I let them have it. Abruptly I stopped; just stopped in the middle of the road and began to stare off into the distance with a dull expression.

“What are you doing?! MOVE!”

With that, I went limp as a ragdoll and fell over. For a moment, the guards just gawked at me, then, one of them walked up to my head. He began to poke me with his hoof.

“Um, HELLO?!”

I whipped my head toward him, a very perky expression on my face.

“OH herro prease!” I said, adopting a stereotypical Asian accent.

“What in Equestria are you doing?”

“I’m using non-violent resistance.”

‘India, 1930 BITCHES!’

Expecting to have stumped them, I giggled to myself. This however was put to an end as one of the unicorn guards effortlessly lifted me off the ground with his magic. Man, if the brits had magic back in the day, Ghandi’s methods would have been deemed useless.

“CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!”
I guess that one failed, but I have PLENTY of more material.

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

““Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“NO!”

(……………………………….)

“How about now?”

“NO!”

“Ok, now?”

“NO!”

“………………………… Now?”

“Yes.”

“Wait ,what?”

“We’re here.”

I looked up (I was still being carried by the unicorn’s magic) and saw a large cave entrance on the wall of a cliff. Well damn, seems the fun is already over; now, I was being dragged toward the gaping maw of Tartarus. Great, what a way to spend the rest of my days, burning-up in Tartarus, instead of frolicking in the fields with twi-

‘Dude, GET OVER YOURSELF. She isn’t interested, MOVE. ON.’

‘NEVAH! I will NOT lose faith!’

‘You’re hopeless.’

Well, I guess there’s no stopping what’s already happening, so, best come to peace with it.

We approached the mouth of the cave, whilst one of the unicorn guards lit his horn. As we came closer, the guards began stiffening, as if the air had become denser. There was something wrong with that cave; I could feel it myself as we approached.
Suddenly, an ominous surge of wind blew past us; only, it wasn’t wind. There was no way that the sensation I was feeling was wind. Its movement patterns were strange, irregular. It almost felt………alive. The guards felt it too, staggering backward and muttering amongst themselves

“Did you feel that?”

“So I haven’t gone crazy.”

“Is it me or did it feel like it was trying to push us away?”

However, it felt strangely different for me. It felt as if the current of ‘air’ was brushing past me, as if taking care not to show force. And yet, it had felt as if it was gently patting me down, testing my form, getting more familiar with me.
Then, the guards jumped, causing the unicorn holding me’s magic to fail, dropping me.
“OW! FAK!”

“PLEASE TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT!”

“C-C-CLEAR AS DAY!”

“LEAVE, that’s what you heard, right!?”

I heard it next, but instead of what they heard, what I got was a faint whisper.

“Welcome home... my liege.”

What the hell?

At this point, the lower ranking guards were all panicking.

“L-lieutenant, we’ve brought him to the entrance, c-couldn’t we just leave him here?!” one of them suggested, his voice trembling. The lieutenant scowled at him; he hastily approached the lesser guard, pulling him off to the side, where he thought I couldn’t hear him and began whispering to him in an angered tone.

“This is only the entrance to the cave! The Princess specifically ordered for us to bring the beast to the GATES! We need to bring him there and watch him enter!”

“W-why?”

“Princess Celestia has attempted to enter on several occasions, but has been completely unsuccessful. We need to see for ourselves how he opens the gate.”

“Uh, gaise? I can hear you, you know.”

The lieutenant whipped his head toward me, looking shocked and slightly annoyed. He shook his head.

“Just bring him to the bloody gate!”

With that, I was once again picked up by the unicorn’s magic, as the guards marched into the cave. The other unicorns lit up their horns.

The cave’s initial appearance was generic, to say the least. Stalagmites littered here and there, crude walls and ceiling, what you’d expect. However, after a few minutes of walking, the cave changed.

The walls, ceiling and floor were neatly carved into flat surfaces. Strange carvings of creatures lined the walls, as well as symbols, and some kind of writing I didn’t recognize, trailing along the tops of the carvings. The air also grew thicker and thicker as we advanced through the eerie corridor. The guards were really wigging out now. It was moments like these I just had to take advantage of. I started to whistle a creepy tune.

Almost instantly, the lesser guards started to lose their minds.

“STOP IT!”

I kept whistling.

“STOP IT!”

Fat chance buddy; I kept whistling.

“STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!!!!!!”

“Quiet, all of you! You can relax, we're here.” The lieutenant yelled.

“What what what?” I really need to pay attention more. Looking up, I saw them, the gates. They were around 20 feet high, covered in carvings similar to the ones on the walls. At both sides, were large torches, lit with large, bright flames. in the center of the door, were two round holes. Well, I guess this is it.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH

The strangest sound rang out in the chamber, like someone was moaning in pain. Needless to say the guards freaked.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!”

“BEAST, STOP THIS CONJURY AT ONCE!” The lieutenant screamed, directing his command to me.

“OK, ONE: I HAVE A NAME, TWO: I’M NOT DOING THIS!” I retorted, as the moaning grew louder and louder.

Then, from out of the walls, appeared several, glowing, ghost-like entities. They had the shape of a man, although from the waist down they were snake like. They were clothed in ragged, hooded robes. As they exited the walls, they hung their heads and arms. Suddenly, they all whipped their heads up, looking at us with piercing white eyes. Their faces were decayed, their cheeks sunken-in and their jaws missing. They all let out began making a poignant sound, like they were desperately gasping for breath. They opened their arms, and advanced on us.

Screaming, the guards began firing beams from their horns (once again resulting in me being dropped, which hurt twice as much on the stone floor) at the strange apparitions. But it was no use; the beams passed right through the entities. They darted forward, reaching for the guard’s chests, ignoring me. Horrified expressions came across the guards faces as the apparitions hands passed right through their armor. All light seemed to leave their eyes, as they collapsed to the floor. Suddenly my chains turned to dust as the last one hit the floor; leading me to believe that those chains were some kind of spell. As I sat up and looked at the guard’s blank and lifeless expressions as they lay still on the floor, I thought:

‘DAAAAAAAAAAAYUM! BITCHES GOT SOUL-HOOKED!’

With the precious orbs now cradled in their hands, the apparitions turned around, and drifted back into the walls.

I stumbled to my feet. I was a free bird………er, demon. In my happiness, I did a victory dance…… that is until I realized the guards were now dead, which was a real downer. Plus, the princess was likely going to think that I was the one who killed them.

“AW, FUCK MY ASS!”

Suddenly, at the corner of my eye, I could see a bright light. I turned my head and saw that the door was glowing. The lights came from the outlines in the carvings, which gave them the illusion of movement. I felt my hands jolt forward, and, as if possessed, they began to drag me forward, my slidey hooves giving no resistance. As I was being pulled toward it, I saw the holes lighting up brighter than the other parts of the door. then, I noticed the symbols above them, a hexagram, and a horned animal skull.

"What the-"

my hands entered the slots. Moments afterward, the light intensified, and my vision went completely white, and I lost all feeling in my body.

"This passing-out thing is going to be a running gag, isn't it?"

That was the last thing to pass through my mind as I slipped into unconsciousness.

============================================================================

Epic chapter coming up.

Oh the Pain, The Pain of it all!

READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, IT HAS BEEN CHANGED

because i luv u gaise so much, update.

=====================================================

The whiteness began to slowly clear form my eyes. I also started to regain feeling, which aided me in realizing that something was drastically different.

“HOLY SHIT ON A STICK IT’S HOT!!!”

My eyes snapped open. The first thing I saw was the enormous door, a few inches from my face. Looking down, I saw my hands still inside the holes. Quickly, I jerked my hands from the slots; whatever they had done, I didn’t feel like allowing them to repeat it. But making me temporarily blind and completely numb wasn’t all those holes had done.
I whipped around.

“Whoa! ………..what the fuck?”

The sight that greeted me was different from before. The hallway was the same, flawlessly carved walls, ceiling and floor, with the same carvings as before. However, this time it was well lit by rows of bright torches. Plus, there was a bright red light at the end of the hall. So……. Wait, did I activate something?

My query was quickly answered by the door making a very, very loud noise. I’m not quite sure how to describe it, but the most accurate description I can think of is that it sounded like a brontosaurus giving birth to a roaring t-rex, while Thor punches his way out of its stomach, blowing the inception horn.

“OH FUCK ME!”

I quickly whipped in the direction of the hallway, and ran as fast as my feet……..hooves, could carry me.

“RUNRUNRUNRUNLIEKABAWSSRUNLIEKABAWSSRUNLIEKABAWSSLELOLOLOALALALALALA!”

I continued to scream all the way down to the end of the hall, hoping to god I didn’t somehow activate a super weapon that wiped out the first Equestrian civilization.

Christ, this day has gone from mundane to awesome, then shitty, and now it’s just plain-

*trip*

*SMAT*

“OW, FAAAAAAAAAAAACK!”

‘Ok, srsly, I really need to stop over analyzing while trying to run for my life!’

I thanked god I was only a few feet from the exit. As soon as the pain faded and my nose stopped bleeding at least a little bit, I leaped to my feet, and dashed toward the entrance. If only I'd noticed that their was no-slope to get up to the opening of the cave (like before.); I might have been prepared for what I saw next.

"............................................ Wat?"

'Wat' indeed. Instead of stepping out into the lush, green Everfree forest, I found that I was actually on top of a small plateau.
but what really rustled my jimmies, was the land around me.

Overall, the best way to describe this place is a giant-ass cave, except, instead of being a tunnel in shape, the horizon was in all directions. In the distance, I could a giant, burning lake of fire, that broke into several rivers. The ceiling itself was as high as the clouds would have been on earth or equestria. Here and there were giant stone pillars that supported the ceiling. And despite the enclosed space (and insane amount of heat) the air seemed fresh, as if this place had it's own atmosphere. Before me was a long, flight of stone carved steps, which lead to the earth below. Just at the foot of the plateau, was what appeared to be an enormous city of stone.

"Fuck, I'm in Tartarus."

I turned around to have a look at where i'd just came from. The structure I had exited looked like the remnants of a giant stone temple. Parts of it had been eroded away, other parts fallen over or collapsed. But what bothered me was the fact that the temple was in no was connected with the ceiling.

'Wait, if it's not connected with the surface, than how the hell did i even get here?..................... did putting my hands in those holes teleport me to other side.... wait, its not the other side of the door, just a door to another that...... wait... I.........bu-........................................ AW WHATEVER!"

To many think hurt Malgrephor's brain.

Well, lets asses the situation. I have two options to choose from. A.: go down to the city and find out what the hell I am, because this fanfic is convenient like that; or B.: go back the way I came and get the fuck out of here.

(.............................................................Considering.................................................)

"Oh fuck that shit, I'm getting out of here"

'course i would have, if the door hadn't gone ape-shit with the inception horn brontosaurus , T-Rex, Thor thing.

"NEVER MIND!!!" I squealed as I sprinted toward the stairs. my pace didn't decrease when i made it to the stairs, in fact, it actually doubled.

cloppitycloppitycloppitycloppitycloppitycloppitycloppitycloppitycloppitycloppitycloppity

'Heheh.......clopping, dats-

*trip*

Yup, I tripped..............................again............................*sigh*

BAM
"BACK!"
BAM
'ELBOW"
BAM
"SHOULDER!"
BAM
"KNEE!"

I shouted the parts of my body that were being brutalized by the solid stone steps. I couldn't believe I hadn't been knocked out already; then again, I had those horns to protect the back of my head. Still, every other part of my body was being pummeled, but i soon dismissed that as another demon-thing.

Oh look, I'm over-thinking again; but i guess that's okay, since I'm already in agonizing pain. You know what? As soon as I get to the bottom, I'll just shove a spoon up my ass, because if i'm gonna hurt that bad, I might as well just do it to myself.

After what felt like an eternity of unending pain and torment, I finally hit level ground.

"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggh." was the only sound I managed to say to describe my pain.

I gave myself a couple of minutes (the least I could do for myself, I figured) to recover. Once I gained feeling in my limbs, I stood up to face the city.

It wasn't really what I expected Ponified hell would look like. The buildings, though made of stone, looked like quaint manors, a lot like Ponyville's houses. Despite the fact the city looked as if was crumbling, I could hear sounds that a thriving city had.

"What the hell, let's meet the locals."

To say the least, I was kinda shocked at what I saw at first, but it began to intrigue me. the city DID have locals after all. There were ponies, Griffins, Diamond dogs,..........some....cat things, hell, even Dragons! Although, there was something notable about their appearance. To be frank, they didn't look....well... alive.

I could see their bones, however, they appeared to have ethereal skin, which looked as if it was rotting in several spots. Their eyes were like milky white orbs. finally, they wore ragged clothing, held up by frayed-ropes. So basically they looked like the undead deserters from Return of The King.

These "people" began to unanimously stare at me. Not to say I don't blame them,Ii mean, I'm likely the only thing they've seen with flesh in a long time.

Although, I noticed that their expressions were different from what I'd readied myself for. Instead of looks of distain, shock or even disgust, they looked surprised, others, looked strangely overjoyed, but most looked as if they were about to burst into tears.

'Do these people recognize me or somthing?'

My question was quickly answered by a voice calling to me.

"Excuse me?" the voice sounded raspy. I turned to see three of the ghouls standing near me, a pegasus, a griffin and one of those Khjiit things to be exact. They all held the same expressions as the rest did.

"Um.... yes?" I said awkwardly.

"If it isn't.... too much trouble....... would you please come with us?" the pegasus said.

'Is he pleading?'

"A-alright."

"Good, good. this way." with that he and the others began to move down the street. As I started to follow them, I noticed something in the distance, a high tower that seemed to loom over the whole city.

==================================================

All shall be revealed next chapter. Back sooner than you think.

Return of the King

Weeeeeeeeeell this is awkward. I’m strolling down the street, in the company of a trio of long dead equestrians. Where are they taking me? Hell if I know, but my best guess is that their bringing me to that big ass tower thing, but that really only happens in movies and stupid fanfics. And, more importantly, why would they be bringing me there? ………………………. I got nuthin’. Zip, zippo , zilch, Nada, nichts, niente, niets, nichego, arap’eri, khong, wu, tipota, walla- ok enough of that. But really, what the hell is going on here?

I crawl down into pony hell, take a brisk walk into town, and now a couple of dead guys want me to come and chat in some tower of doom.

Hang on a second……………. I just came from ponyville, a nice, quiet little town, full of happy, smiling, carefree ponies, where random musical numbers in the middle of town square is totally normal……….and I got my ass kicked. But now, I’m in Tartarus, where there are a bunch of dead people hanging out around a crumbling city s. And these guys seem to be totally kissing my ass.

Then again, these people are essentially the souls of the damned, of who are required to serve and obey demons. Then again, how do I know this isn't a trap? THEN AGAIN, maybe I’m just over analyzing again, and about to fall flat on my-

ABJ: Dude, stahp. You’ve sucked that joke dry.

Alright, alright fine.

…..ANNNNNNNNNYHOW

My mind continued to yammer on like this for a couple of minutes. In the middle of one of my conspiracies, I felt a weird sensation. I initially blew it off, but it started to get really overpowering. The chills seemed to be coming from behind me; so, naturally, I turned around….to be greeted by a massive crowed of the specters, closely following me, like it’s a frickin’ parade.

Needless to say, it scared me, to the point where I actually squealed a little. The sudden, shrill sound seemed to startle them as well, causing them to jump back. The Pegasus guiding me’s head whipped around in attention to my squealing and the loud clattering. His eyes initially met mine, a confused look on his face.

“Heh, uh… sorry, they kind of startled me.” I awkwardly apologized. The Pegasus’s attention was immediately redirected to the crowd, who shrunk back when they heard what I said. The Pegasus gave them a short glare, before turning back around and continuing down the street.

Whatever’s going on, these people seem happy to see me; but why?

Few minutes passed, and we arrived at our destination. What was our destination you ask? The tower, of course!

‘Called that shit.’

I looked up at the tower. I would place its height at around 150 to 200 feet tall. It appeared to be made entirely of a black stone, kind of like nether brick. It was unlike most towers due to its shape being more of a cylinder, except the tops circumference was smaller than the base. It was covered in these spiky, pointy thingies, and it had two tall spikes at the top.

‘Saaaaaay, that looks familiar’

Either that or it’s just Satan’s dildo.

After going inside and going up a few flights of stairs, we came into a large, round chamber full of books. But it wasn’t really a library, more like a study; the books were stacked here and there, haphazardly. At the other end of the room, was a pony wearing a ruined, pointed hat and frayed cloak. He was looking out a window (well, more like a giant hole in the wall) that overlooked the city. The Pegasus suddenly spoke up.

“Starswirl, there’s something you need to see.”

Wait a minute…. Starswirl?

“*sigh* Not now, I’m…………….. I’m busy.” The elusive pony said in a forlorn tone.

Is it just me, or dose this guy sound like Qui Gon Jinn?

“No, I’m sure you’ll want to see this.” The Pegasus retorted. The pony gave out an annoyed sigh and started to turn around.

“What could possibly be so important that it couldn’t wait until-”

But when he faced us full front, he saw me and stopped. Heck, when I saw HIM I froze due to recognition. The first thing I noticed was the long, scraggly, white beard. Despite his decayed skin, I could tell he was an older stallion.

‘Beard, pointy hat, old, pseudo Gandalf look……… hold on!’

That’s when I noticed the faded star pattern on his cloak, and the rusted bells on his hat.

‘Starswirl The Bearded!’

Course, I was able to keep my cool, in order to prevent from blowing my cover. He, however, didn’t even bother to hide his surprise. His eyes got so wide I thought they were going to pop out.

“By Faust………… you’ve come back…………. You actually came back.”

He rushed over, maintaining the shocked expression.

“I can’t believe it, it-it’s been so long, I thought you’d never be back, I-” in the middle of his rambling, he looked down at my hands.

“Let me see your hands!”

“Uhm, I- uh.” I fumbled with my words as I presented my hands, palms up.

“No, the backs, the back of your hands!”

I flipped my hands over, revealing the symbols. Starswirl’s old eyes shifted back and forth between them, retaining his shocked expression.

“It’s true…… you’ve really come back.”

Wha…. Eh……..but…………..th-………… huh……….what the hell’s going on?

Me confusion was apparently very evident; so evident that Starswirl’s expression changed to a mix of realization and concern.

“You don’t know what you are, do you?” he deadpanned. I shook my head.

“Hm, the prophecies are quite precise. But if that’s the case, I have a lot to tell you.” He turned to the three that escorted me.

“You three are dismissed, this matter is of my concern and-” he stop mid-sentence and turned to me. it only took me a second to tell that he was asking my name.

“Oh, uhm, Malgrephor.” He continued.

“-Malgrephor’s concern.”

They did as they were told, and exited the chamber. Starswirl then turned to me.

“This way, I have so much to tell you.” He said as he walked to a stairwell.

‘Finally, some goddamn clarity in this crazy world of colorful ponies.’

Minutes later we arrived in a newer chamber. It was like the last one in the sense that it had a copious amount of books; but this one was roughly the size of the Sistine Chapel’s interior, and the shelves in which the books were kept on stretched to the ceiling. A few ponies stood around them, who had been looking at the shelves before we came in.

“What is this place?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“This is the Archives.” Starwirl answered “every bit of information we’ve received from deceased scholars has been pooled in this very chamber. But none of these books can tell you what I’m about to show you.”

Deceased scholars? It got me thinking: if Tartarus is the realm of damned souls, why are there a bunch of seemingly innocent creatures here?

“So, if these books won’t tell me anything where are you taking me?”

“The Wall.” Starswirl replied.

“The Wall?” I repeated; simple name.

“One of the only three documents of this realm; and, fortunately for us, this is the best one.” He looked to the ground and sighed. “I’ve looked upon the wall one hundred twenty-three thousand, nine hundred and two times, waiting for this day.”

‘HE COUNTED?!’

Once the conversation had died down, I heard the other ponies following us. It was obvious that they had been waiting for this day as well.

We passed through the archives, walking into a long, dark corridor. Starswirl motioned for me to stop, moving ahead a few paces, and turning to face me and the rest of the ponies.

“I assume you’re familiar with alicorns and draconiqui, yes?” he asked. I replied with a simple nod. “Then there’s no need for further explanation.” He cleared his throat and began. “Now, you’re familiar with the notion that magic and the state of the world can either be chaotic, or harmonious, correct?” I nodded. “Well, it’s all wrong.” His hat tilted backward, revealing his now glowing horn. A torch on the wall sparked to life, slowing getting brighter. “There is, in fact, a triad of states; Harmony, chaos, and chaotic-harmony.”

The wall was fully illuminated by this time, revealing a stone carving of a triangle, its point facing downward.

“For harmony: The alicorns, who ruled the surface world.” He pointed to the top left corner of the triangle. There was a simple carving of an equine with a horn and wings there.

“For chaos: The draconiqui, who ruled the nether-realm.” He pointed to the left side of the triangle, which depicted a serpent like creature with miss-matched limbs, wings and horns; obviously a draconiquis.

“And for chaotic-harmony, the arch-demons, who ruled Tartarus.”

He pointed to the bottom point in the trigram. There, an image of a humanoid creature was carved; a pair of horns resting on its head, four wings stretched out at its sides.

“That’s what you are.”

Starswirl continued down the corridor.

‘Dude……..WHOA.’

I had no idea that what I was about to be shown was going to blow my mind.

Starswirl moved to the next part of the wall and lit the torch. The light revealed a carving of two arch-demons with a fist on their chests, one of which had the blue mark on the back of its hand, the other, a red mark.

“The first thing to be noted of the Arch-demons is that despite their brutish appearance they are extraordinarily sophisticated, and incredibly perceptive. There existed two types of arch-demons; those born with the red mark of the warrior and those born with the blue mark of the mage. The warrior mark grants it’s host the power to summon weapons and armor in battle, and are said to be blessed with a natural immunity to fire and are capable of breathing fire. The mage mark grants its host the power to cast spells, summon creatures to their aid by whispering the words of power into their hand. They can also communicate to other magic users through dreams, and can regenerate limbs.”

Right before I was about to pipe-up and ask why I had both, he continued to the next part of the wall.

“Around three thousand years ago, one hundred years before the founding of Equestria, the arch-demons grew concerned of the neighboring realms; their purely harmonic and chaotic states disturbed them. They knew that pure harmony would coddle the surface world, that it with make it’s societies dim-witted due to lack of conflict, and keep them from changing for the better. They knew that pure chaos would cause the nether-realm to collapse on itself. In an attempt to create balance in both worlds, the arch-demons went to the alicorns and draconiqui, offering to help bring such balance.

But their efforts were for not. The Alicorns couldn’t see past the arch-demon’s crude appearances. Aside from this, the Alicorns strongly believed that any form of chaos, no matter how minor, is despicable.

The draconiqui were no different. At the mere mention of harmony, they scoffed, saying that harmony is uneventful. Plus, the draconiqui retorted that even if the nether-realm was destroyed, they would just move on to a new world.

Knowing then that the neighboring world’s minds wouldn’t be changed by promises, they began working diligently to create the balanced worlds they strived for.

They began by designing factors that would counter the overpowering chaos or harmony. For the surface world, they introduced hostile creatures, disasters and sickness; as well as introducing the mortal life to ambiance of chaotic nature, such as malice, voracity, deceit, duplicity, contemptuousness and solitude.

For the nether-realm, they created sentient automatons with an instinctive desire for order, with magic powerful enough to fight the draconiqui. These automatons would build structures to create a sense of orgainization in a world ravaged by the draconqui’s storms.

Needless to say it worked, both worlds’ states began to become stable; but the reaction of the alicorns and draconiqui were not what the arch-demons had anticipated.

These changes angered them both sides greatly, believing them to have soiled their ways of life. They went to the arch-demons immediately, demanding they revoke the changes. The arch-demons had to explain to the alicorns that the creatures couldn’t simply be removed, and that the only way to remove the feelings of chaos was to isolate and kill every creature that had experienced them. They also explained to the draconiqui that the automatons were completely independent, and they didn’t take orders from them.

But these explanations only angered them further. Both sides began arguing amongst themselves, as to what they would do to resolve the situation. After much rage and arguing, both decided to seek revenge on the demons, and began their march on Tartarus.

Despite being greatly out-numbered by both of the opposing sides, the Arch-demons held against the using their knowledge of magic and combat, and pushed back the incoming waves.

But the constant assault from two fronts proved to be too much, and the Arch-demons numbers began to dwindle; more and more with each attack. They soon realized that the alicorns and draconiqi would outlast them. Upon this revelation, they knew there was only one way to discourage the angered races from continuing their assault: they had to create an Arch-demon-lord.

An Arch-demon-lord is a stronger variant of the Arch-Demons, created by combining an Arch-demon child with a warrior mark and another with the blue mark using powerful magic, and trained to by the finest warriors and mages until adulthood.

And the lord completed his training just in time. The Alicorns and Draconiqui launched a final assault upon Tartarus, hoping to finish them off once and for all. The lord, placed at the front lines with the last of the Arch-demons, hoped that with this battle, the long, bitter conflict would cease.

The Alicorns and Draconiqui came by the thousands in wave after relentless wave; but the Arch-demon-lord proved to possess strength and powers to be reckoned with.

Within hours, the Lord had reduced the armies to a third of their sizes. But the races, intoxicated by the palpable magic in the air, continued to fight.

In the end, the angered races numbers were next to none. So they fled, never to return. The war was over, but Lord was the only Arch-demon left standing; the rest had been felled in battle.

Too make matters worse; due to being the only one left, the Lord could not maintain a link between Tartarus and the afterlife. The Lord soon came to the conclusion that the other worlds were having the same difficulty.

So, feeling obligated, the lord began to draw the lost souls of the dead into Tartarus. The Lord gave them bodies of their own, and gave them shelter in the empty cities of Tartarus. It was here that the Lord would house the souls of the dead until the link between the afterlife was restored.

But the Lord’s plans were thwarted; when a young Draconiqus, overcome with rage, came into Tartarus. The Lord, weakened by having brought so many souls into Tartarus at once, was unable to fight back. The Draconiqus then expelled the Lord from all three worlds. The lost souls’ bodies then became ethereal, and the cities began to slowly crumble.

The Lord, however, had anticipated this. The souls were told that in an event of such circumstances, the Lord would escape into a different world, and would come again in a new body. And though having no knowledge of their origin they would relearn their strength, and Tartarus would be restored to its former glory”

Starswirl turned away from the wall.

“This is where you come in.”

Well…………….shit. I just got involved with something huge. I mean, come on! I just wanted to cuddle some ponies!

Even so, this prophecy stuff seems kind of interesting; not to mention the fact that these people need serious help. I guess I should hear this guy out.

“So, how exactly do you propose I learn all this?” I asked

“I have just the solution for that. Now, because of the war, parts of the cities were destroyed. Before the last battle, the Arch-demons collected the mage and warrior stones, and hid them in scattered locations throughout the surface world to ensure their safety. The mage and warrior stones were sacred documents that taught the arch demons the words of power.”

Skyrim anyone?

“Since none of us can speak or read the language of the Arch-demons, you’ll have to find a way to relearn it yourself. Fortunately, I know of an easy way to learn on your own.

Years before I passed away, I was involved in an expedition to saddle Arabia, after someone had found a strange stone with unknown markings inscribed upon it. Several other unicorns and I traveled there to collect it. However, within a week we found that with no level of magic or horse power (man power) could move it.

So, instead, we copied the inscriptions, and took them back to Canterlot. For two years some of our finest scholars spent in their studies, deciphering the inscriptions. Finally, after much effort, the language had been interpreted. But the scholars only found spells they couldn't use. So, the translation documents were put into a book and was stored in the Canterlot archives, in chase any other stones were found. That would be your best option.”

Oh great, Canterlot. The place in which is filled with ponies, and the last remnants of a species that hates my species’ guts. FM fucking L.

“Well, I guess there’s no time to lose.”

Well, as they say: #yol-

Abj: YOU SAY THAT, AND YOU FUCKING DIE!

I WAS BEING IRONIC!

Abj: I DON’T GIVE A STEAMING SHIT!

GO FUCK A CACTUS!

………………………………………..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYHOW.

“Thank you; you can’t possibly imagine how much this means to all of us.”

So, I headed back up to the entrance of the tower. As Starswirl was seeing me off, he gave me a compass.

“This will lead you to each of the stones in chronological order. Remember, there are seven in total. We all wish you the best of luck.”

As I walked through the city, I began having some second thought about this whole thing. What if die? What if Celestia banishes me to the moon? What if this whole thing turns out to be a dream, and I really am going to fail tomorrow’s exam? It was until the lost souls began cheering and wishing me a safe journey that I knew I wasn't going to die on them, and there’s no way in hell I was going to die in the one place every brony dreams of going one day.

Once outside the city, I walk to the dreaded stairs that kicked my ass an hour before. I looked up to the top.

‘Jesus, that’s a lot of stairs. Good thing I've got wings, so I can just……………………wait.’

(………………………………………..processing………………………………………….)

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!”

Fast talking time-traveler (WARNING: shameful character exposition)

Hay gaise, turns out I CAN draw, just not very well.

You see this link?---------> link CLICK IT CLICK IT CLICK IT!

La lalalalalala laaaaaaaa la…..lalalalaalalalal………….lllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalala- eh what, huh? Is that a carmera? Whu- what……………*Gaaaaaaaaaaaaassp* a character introduction!? I lllllllllllove charater introductions! Ok ok ok ok, this is my good side…. No wait this one……. Oh hell, they’re both good. Alight, *ahem*.

They call me many names; La parra dificil, Della Donna unomo, le bâtard masque, Der graue Fuchs, and, my personal favorite of all these nicknames, “that masked son of a whore that fucked my wife and stole all my shit”; though I liked to be called Shift. I’m what most people would call an “uncommon thief”. True, I steal things; valuable things mind you. But it’s not so much as what I take; it’s how I take it, where I took it from and WHEN I took it.

I’ve stolen Chinese pottery from the early-Xing Dynasty, a couple of Italian paintings from the late Renaissance period, seven samurai swords from feudal Japan and a cask of French wine that was bottled in the year 1689 to name a few.

You’re probably thinking that’s impressive, right? Well, what if I told you that all those items were actually only a few years old?

Still haven’t figured it out yet? Well let me give you a few more examples.

I’ve also stolen a freshly made flask of Greek fire from an Ottoman laboratory, a dodo egg, and six wives from the same Chinese emperor (It’s not kidnapping if they wanted to go with me).

Eyup, I’m a time traveler. Well…. I wouldn’t call it time travel. Truth is: time travel doesn’t exist. What I do is actually considered dimensional jumping.

Think Dragon Ball Z. Remember how Trunks goes back in time to warn Goku and the others about the androids and that heart virus so they could OT and kick their asses? Then he came back to check up on them, and found that the androids were stronger than even his? It was explained that Trunks actually didn’t travel through time; he had traversed into an alternate universe, just in a different time period. That’s essentially what I do.

The fact that what I do is jumping dimensions gives me freedom to do pretty much whatever the fuck I want, no paradoxes to worry about. And let me tell you, screwing with other dimensions is FUUUUUUUU-UN!

I’ve created a reality where Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo…… by giving him Apache helicopters.

You know the rumor about the second shooter on the grassy knoll? ..... Well, it wasn’t me, there was no shooter on the grassy knoll, Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, and I just spread the rumor for shits and giggles.

I teamed up with Genghis khan, and robbed a Chinese warlord of everything he had, and to celebrate, we got shit-faced and had an orgy. It sure is good to be Khan.

In fact, recently, I met Adolf Hitler, Convinced him I was an alien, and he took me out drinking. For an angry, Anti-Semitic, uni-balled slop-artist, he was a cool dude and a great wing-man to boot…………… WHAT!? Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I farted in his mouth while he was out cold.

I suppose I should explain the getup.

The coat I’m wearing isn’t just some flashy outfit. It’s actually an experimental cloaking suit, intended for military stealth missions, but before it was actually used I stole it, destroyed the others and deleted all copies of the blue prints; that should throw their asses off for fifteen more years.

The suit I wear underneath is actually mobile cellular perseveration suit. To put it simple, I don’t age. I’ve been at this job for about 75 years, and I still look eighteen and sexy.

The mask isn’t part of the suit though, but it still serves a good purpose. Thermal vision, night vision, heart rate recognition, you name it. It’s also great to attract women; bitches love a man in a mask.

And just what is it that allows me to traverse dimensions, you ask?

Is it a blue police call box?

Is it a supped-up sports car?

Is it a steam-punk-chair-thingy with a big wheel thingy on the back and blinking light thingies on the front?

It’s my belt buckle. Now, while that doesn’t seem very interesting, think about this: it doesn’t have a mind of its own; it doesn’t run on plutonium; it doesn’t have a bunch of unnecessary thingies and it’s portable. The Doctor, Doc Brown and H. George Wells can all go suck it.

Finally, the tiny cube thing on my hip. You’re probably wondering where I keep all my shit. To be frank, I don’t trust banks, so I keep all my stuff on my person at all times. That little box is a multi-dimensional storage cube, a device that contains many compressed universes all capable of holding an infinite amount of goods. Oh, I’ve got all kind of stuff. Weapons, one of a kind items, gems the size of coconuts, paintings, booze, food and a shit load of money. I’m literally carrying over four thousand tons.

I was at the top of my game… or, at least I thought I was. My opinion changed greatly once I met Malgrephor.

It all started as any other day. I was on a heist that I’d decided to go on just a few minutes before (who needs planning when you’ve got heavy duty equipment).

So where was I you ask? None other than the United Arab Emirates! It had been a while since I’d been here; been waiting for the heat to cool down from last time I came here. Let’s just say I really pissed off some oil tycoon.

So, there I was, standing on top of a low building, looking at one of the most prestigious banks in the country; not the largest, mind you, but is there really a biggest bank in this country? I mean, the people here already eat coal and shit diamonds right?

‘sooooooooooo, how shall I execute my approach? Stealthy, or balls-out, head first, Leroy Jenkins style?’

“Hmm.”

Minutes later…

“EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! HE HAS A FUCKING TANK!”

‘Stealth is so boring; having the subtlety of a Rhino, now THAT’S fun!’

So onwards I went, pan-caking cars in the streets of Abu Dhabi in a T-90 Russian tank whilst blasting Guns N’ Roses.

Within minutes, I got to the first obstacle: the doors.

‘Let’s see; approximately ten meters wide, another five meters high, made of mostly glass and aluminum (god I love this mask) ……..piece ‘o cake.

Crushable material means no need for shelling and no shelling means less debris and minimal casualties, perfect.

So just by rolling right through, I was past the first point; now to proceed on foot.
I opened up the top hatch and climbed out, an SMG in my hand. Once I stood up, I was greeted to the sight of thirty or so patrons staring wide eyed at me.

“Not to worry peasants!” is said as I jumped off the tank. “I am merely making a routine withdrawal, nothing too serious! I shall be in and out in about five minutes.” I proceeded to walk toward them in a brisk fashion. The crowd quickly parted as I proceeded to the vault.

Obstacle two cleared, now for the vault.

‘Let’s see, roughly three inches of reinforced steel, rigged to three thousand volts in case of drilling, ten digit code in Arabic……..easy-peasy lemon-squeezy.’

I turned on my cube on and typed in the item I wanted. The rift opened and I reached inside, pulling out my good ol’ friend.

“Ah, the hand-held precision mining laser, where would I be without you?”

Within twenty seconds, there was a giant smoldering hole in the vault door. Hurriedly, I stepped inside to claim my prize of over fifty million Dirhams.

I set the cube on the ground of the vault and opened a rift to the “currency” section. I then proceeded to chucking each of the bags inside. My spoils collected and the vault empty, I headed to the main lobby.

But there was a slight problem. Before I entered the lobby I could hear loud sirens and people shouting through megaphones, and I didn’t need to know how to speak Arabic (which I could) to know they were telling me to come out with my hands raised. To which I responded:

“FUCK DA POH-LEECE!”

Instantly, I knew I had to get to my tank before they got inside the building. I dashed toward the lobby at full speed and kicked open the double door……. to be greeted by the sight of twenty angry police officers.

“JEEZUS!” I shouted as I dove behind a marble block, bullets flying passed my face.

“Goddamnit! I hate open-gun-fights, IhatethemIhatethemIhatethem!” I really can’t stand the pressure of having a bunch of people shooting at me (that and I can’t shoot for shit).

Man I haven’t seen Arabs this pissed off since………… ya know what, I’m not going to go there.

My mind raced, how the hell was I going to get out of this? I was currently out gunned, and I didn’t have enough cover to get anything out of my cube. What to do, what to do.

Then I looked down at my belt-buckle.

“Oh right, DUH.”

So slapped the button…………….aaaaaaaand nothing happened.

“OH GOD, NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN. DON’T FRITZ-UP ON ME NOW!”

I bombarded my belt-buckle with a barrage of slaps. Seriously, I need to get this thing checked.

“Hahahaha, here, let me get that for ya.” A voice next to me said. A hand reached out from my left and touched my belt-buckle. Almost immediately, it hummed to life.

“Oh, cool! Thanks bro……. wait what?”

Right as I turned my head to see who it was, my belt flared, and I blacked out.

Escape from Canterlot Castle

‘Uuuh, my head; who the hell was that guy; And, more importantly, how the hell did he manage to fix my belt buckle by TOUCHING IT?’ I thought as I laid flat on the ground, my intense headache killing me. Seriously was that guy some kind of wizard? Then again, I didn’t really have much of a reason to complain, hell if it wasn’t for him, I’d still be on the floor of the bank, lying in a pool of my own blood, riddled with bullet-holes. But the belt buckle has never caused a reaction like THIS before. This made me suspect that he’d done something to it, aside from getting it working again; but what would he have to gain from tampering with it? I’ll be shelving that thought for a while.

‘Well, whoever he was, I sure am glad he sent me away. Speaking of which-‘

I rolled over onto the hard ground, which I had identified as roof shingles.

‘A roof, eh?’

Well my belt-buckle has dropped me in odder places, one being inside an empty coffin four feet underground, and that didn’t even make my top-fifty list.

I opened my eyes as I stood up, stretching as I looked around at my surroundings. It was nighttime, and I was in the middle of a small city. I would have guessed that I was somewhere in eastern-Europe, based on the architecture; although my mind was changed by the fact that it seemed to be resting on a mountain side, and I sure as hell know that there’s no city on Earth that rests on the vertical drop of a mountain, if there was one, I would have been there before……………………and I haven’t.

It was only until I observed the Technicolor atmosphere that it hinted at where I was; and the castle in the middle confirmed my suspicions.

“………………….Canterlot………………holy shit, I’m in Equestria! I’ve been meaning to come here!”

What? You thought my dimensional jumping is limited to just earth? PFT! Bitch please; I’ve been to tons of other places! For instance, I’ve met the fucking Teen Titans, I even got Cyborg’s autograph ……………………and by autograph, I mean his boot-print on my ass still hasn’t healed (yeah, I don’t make friends easily).

Oh and yes, I’m familiar with the show, in fact, I’ve see all fifty seasons, the film saga, and the fifteen episode spin-off series.

Well, I suppose I should thank that weirdo even more now. Not only was I not dead, but I was also in number one on my “top ten places to go in some point of my life” list.

And now that I’m here, what kind of shit storm should I kick up? Hmmmmmm.

(…………………………………………contemplating………………………………….)

“Aha! I know!”

And with that, I dashed across the rooftops toward the castle

++++++++++++++++++++

-A few minutes later, inside the castle halls-

‘Goddamn, this place is a fucking maze! How the hell does Princess Celestia live like this?’

Getting to the castle and getting inside only took a minute and the use of a class cutter, but finding my destination in this god-forsaken castle was different story altogether. Seriously, all these fucking corridors are unnecessary, and are really starting to…oh there it is!

At the end of the largest corridor I’d seen in the castle, I could see my target. What was my target you ask? Simple, it was a vault, but not just any vault, no; this was the vault that held the most powerful force known to ponydom. This was the vault that safe-guarded…

(Pause for dramatic effect.)

The Elements of Harmony!

‘Yes I’m going to steal the Elements of harmony. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.’

I cautiously approached the vault. As I did, my mask started going crazy, flashing signs of inconclusive readings on the substance the vault was made of. But who cares what that thing is made of? It’s the goodies inside I want!

So, out came the good ol’ mining laser. Yeah, by now you should probably know I don’t open shit the traditional way. But who needs keys when you can melt doors with ionic lasers?!

The laser hummed to life, as I took aim.

‘Elements of Harmony, here I come!’

*BZZZZZZT*

Or so I thought.

The beam made contact with the vault door. But instead of cutting through, it just bounced back to me.

*SQUEAL*

I ducked and covered as the beam ricocheted off the walls for a few seconds. When the ‘pew pew’ noises stopped, I looked up at the vault. From what I saw, the door took no damage whatsoever; not even a scorch mark.

“What the hell?! That’s like, my most powerful laser; how isn’t it melted?!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

(……………………………………………mulling over……………………………………………)

“CRAP!” I hissed under my breath, as I brought both my hands to my mouth…… well the speaker on my mask, and hoped to god nobody heard me. The laser is relatively quiet, though they might have heard the ‘pew pew’ noises; it still didn’t help the fact that I just yelled.

“*Ahem*”

Damnit.

I turned around to confront whoever was behind me (though I knew who it was).

The first things I noticed were white ponies in pseudo Roman-legion armor, standing in offensive poses. And, to make matters even worse, both princesses where standing alongside them, bemused looks on their faces.

I looked back on the scene around me. Scorch marks on the walls, a smoking mining laser on the ground, the fact I’m wearing a mask. So…………………………

“It’s exactly what it looks like.” I deadpanned.

The next few moments, we stood in awkward silence. It was when I became extremely uncomfortable that I finally piped up and said:

“Well, it’s been a pleasure meeting both princesses, but I really should get going! See you guys never!”

And I slapped my belt.

(…………………………)

“Oh, what is it now!” I griped as I looked down at my belt. I clicked two buttons on the side too open the belt buckle up and reveal the circuits. Upon doing so, the buckle began sputtering smoke, and sparks shot from the electrical conduits.

“Oh, it’s broken.”

(…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………)

“WHY IS IT BROKEN?!”

‘How the fuck did…… I mean it was-‘

Then, it dawned on me; the guy who sent me here in the first place. Upon my epiphany, I raised both fists over my head, dropping to my knees and shouting:

“CURSE YOU, ELUSIVE STRANGER OF WHOSE NAME I DON’T KNOW!”

I retained a dramatic pose for a few seconds before remembering the princesses where still standing there. I thought for a moment, the awkwardness getting more and more intense. It was then, that I decided to take the French alternative.

“I surrender.” I said in a dramatic fashion, thrusting my hands out and allowing my wrists to go limp. “Take me away.”

++++++++++++++++++++

So as it turns out, I actually woke half the castle up with my shenanigans. I got insulted by one of the guards, claiming that I was by far the worst thief he’d encountered. I was briefly questioned, in which time I took the opportunity to quote Neo from the matrix, causing them to assume that I was just insane. I think that was part of the reason my interrogation ended so quickly.

So, here I am, in an old-timey prison cell, my cube confiscated. However I still have my mask and coat.

(………………………………………)

This escape should be very easy.

Oh yes, I’ve escaped many prisons in my career, one of which includes a Turkish prison (never, ever, ever get caught selling livestock out of the trunk of a car in turkey; seriously, they crack down on that shit).

But I need a good plan first.

‘Hmmmmmm, how ‘bout a number six......................too violent. Number three..........................no, that would never work. Number twelve.................................nah, too Jewish. Wait, I got it; a number five!’

Perfect. Now, initiate phase one. I reached up to my hood and pinched it.

(……………)

‘Damn, I just can’t find that button on the first try can I?’ I thought as I repeatedly pinched the top of my hood. Once I finally hit the button, the cloaking device activated and I disappeared completely.

Phase two.

“HEY GUARD GUY, YOUR MOTHER IS A FILTHY MULE WHORE!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. My ploy worked like a charm as I heard the guard stomping angrily toward my cell. He turned the corner, a furious look on his face. This, however, quickly contorted into a hilarious “Da Faq” face as he saw that the cell was occupied by thin air.

‘Take the bait take the bait take the bait take the bait’

The guard’s horn illuminated and a key floated to his side.

‘YES!’

The cell door was opened and the guard rushed in, looking in all directions, a very confused look still on his face.

Phase three.

“So I’m the worst thief ever huh?” I said at a volume at which I knew he’d hear me.

In one swift motion, I jerked the helmet off the guard’s head, and smacked him over the head with it. The guard then slumped to the floor, unconscious

‘HA, gets ‘em every time!’

I quickly grabbed the keys and went for the door………… that is, until I changed my mind and turned back to the guard, a concealed look of pure evil on my face. I reached into my pocket, pulled out a permanent marker and proceeded to scribble crude messages and penises all over the guards face.

++++++++++++++++++++

Just outside the dungeon, two guards stood around a table, looking at the object they had taken from the strange creature.

“What do you suppose it is?”

“’No idea, but for our own sakes, let’s NOT touch it until the princesses say otherwise.”

“Agreed.”

Suddenly, the door to the dungeon stairway swung open, but nopony was on the other side. The door then closed just as it had opened. Then, a voice rang out in the chamber.

“I will take THAT, kay thanks bye!”

Miraculously, the strange cube lift off the table, no sign of unicorn magic grasping it, and it disappeared. Then, at the other end of the room, the door to the castle halls opened, and slammed shut.

(…………………………………………)

“Um…… wait, what?”

‘Ha! They didn’t even try to stop me. Easiest. Escape. EVER!’I thought as I skipped gleefully down the corridors of the castle. This day has been just awesome. I mean granted my first twenty minutes in Equestria weren’t how I’d exactly planned them to be, but hell, it’s something.

I only took me about a minute to find the front door, since we passed it on the way to the dungeon. I was close to being home-free…… well, kinda, considering the fact that I’ve got to go through the city in order to escape the guard. But at least I don’t have the princesses to worry about.

‘Me: one. Princesses: zer-‘

“*AHEM*”

“*SQUEAL*!”

*PSH PSH*

I spun around and thrust my wrists out, two darts launching from my wrists, into the necks of the princesses.

When the darts made contact with their necks, both princesses froze. Confused, I looked at my wrists. There were two small lunching devices, wrapped snuggly on them.

“Oh, hey! The temporary paralysis dart-launchers! I totally forgot I had these!”

Well what would you expect from a guy with infinite resources? It’s not like I actually keep track of this shit, right?

Once I was done gawking at my wrists I looked at the now paralyzed princesses. From what I remember, the paralysis darts last a full thirty minutes on humans; but given the fact that their horses……… I should have exactly five.

ABJ: BULLSHIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Me: Fuck you brain.

………………………………………………………….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYHOW.

“Alright princesses, in hindsight, trying to take ancient relics that are easily your greatest asset AND your last resort: Dick-move guys, dick…move. So to compensate for the fact that just committed a crime that’s probably a capital-offense, I’ll leave you guys with a parting gift!”

I opened up my cube and pulled out the thing that’s been irritating me for the past five years.

“His name is Cheese.”

“Yes?”

“Not you cheese. Now, he’s very easy to take care of; his diet consists of cereal, potatoes, candy, apple juice and fruit-smoothies. He’s lactose-intolerant, so if he asks for chocolate-milk, don’t give him chocolate-milk; get him a juice-box and he’ll be happy. He’s kind of stupid, but he’s easy to manipulate. Your gonna need to brush his teeth for him, since he doesn’t know how to do it himself, or else he’ll get gingivitis again.”

I turned to the little freak and hugged him.

“I’m gonna miss you lil’ buddy! We had a great run together.”

“CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I like chocolate-milk.”

“Sure you do kid, sure you do…”

And with that I dashed to the double-doors, and opened them.

‘Well now that that freak is out of my hair, and I’m free from custody, what shall I do first? Blow up parliament? Fake the moon-landing? Kill a famous singer and blame it on some novel that will cause people to blow it out of proportion?

“In the name of the regal sisters, I command you to halt!”

‘Deal with some stupid guards it is!’

“See, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“W-………what?”

“You just said: halt. That’s clearly GERMAN. Do you guys even have that?”

“………………………What?!”

“You know: NEIN NEIN NEIN! ICH HEISSE KARTOFEL!“

I searched the crowd of guards until I found the guy I was addressing: Shinning Armor. He had I pretty befuddled look on his face (as did the others) so I decided to stop screwing with his head.

“You know what, whatever. I’ll figure that one out later. Now, evil-villain dialogue, GO!”

“WHAT?!”

“HA, you think that a mere force of…one…two…three……………twenty royal guards, can stop me?! You must be as naïve as they say, Captain…whatsyourface!”

“Captain Shining Armor.” He said through clenched teeth.

“Captain shiny-red-baboon-butt, got it!”

That’s it, distract them. Create just enough time to remove good ol’ TordenHanskar from your cube. A pair of metal gloves I stole from a one-armed Scandinavian scientist with compulsive anger-issues. They emit an intense amount of energy when activated that feels like a blast of hurricane wind……… you know……… just to get you up to speed...

“So, you think you think you can conquer The Wall?”

“………The what?”

“’Cause when ya come to it and ya can’t go through it and ya can’t knock it down, ya know that you’ve found THE WALL!"

“What!?”

“THE WALL!”

“WHAT?!”

“THE WALL!”

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING-”

I took my hands out from behind my back and relieved the gloves.

“NO MAN ON EARF CAN MAKE IT FALL!”

*BOOM*

And the guards went flying. The good thing about these gloves is that they’ve non-lethal……… Unless I was standing two feet in front of them; in which case, the force would have pretty much ruptured ALL of their organs.

With the guard on the ground and dazed, I ran past them, and through the street.

++++++++++++++++++++

And so, I ran…………… and ran…………… and ran…………… and-

*SLAM*

-ran straight into something that might-as-well have been an actual wall.

“Hey watch where you’re going ya big palooka!”

‘Wait, where the hell did that line come from?! Am I really that old?!”

But then, I saw exactly what it was I ran into: some kind of black, muscle-bound, horned, loin-cloth wearing, demon-thing.

“WHOA, DEMON-THING!”

“WHOA, THING THAT LOOKS RELATIVELY HUMAN!”

“WHAT?!”

“WHAT?!”

Then I heard guards coming from behind him.

“Aw shit.” The demon-thing said. To which I responded:

“yeah, I think we have a mutual problem.”

Author's Note

I'll be back soon