It was not hard to survive in a post Celestia Apocalypse.
Someone versed in popular culture might picture the apocalypse like The Walking Dead, The Day After, or Fallout for the video-game minded, but the reality was far more boring, and oddly peaceful.
Part of that peace was thanks to Celestia. It was anyone's guess as to how she did it, but when society started to collapse and countries began to go for each others throats, everyone suddenly found their computer systems going haywire. Missiles failed to work, bombs failed to detonate, ammunition and weapon stockpiles had gone missing, money disappeared, and soldiers began to desert for (literal) greener pastures. Sure, things had gotten bad in a few places, but Celestia had reduced humanity's ability to wage war down to almost nothing.
There was some danger...at least for a while. Not even Celestia was good enough to get rid of every gun in the world, but the romanticized notion of a 'Raider Wasteland' was forever going to be a pipe dream, and in today's world, no one was making more bullets for the survival nuts to buy.
Not that there was anything to really shoot at. Any normal person faced with a choice between raiding an 'enemy' camp for survival supplies and simply uploading to the scarcity-free land of Equestria probably wouldn't need more than ten seconds to decide.
Travel was made significantly harder as well. One thing most people didn't realize was how horrible the shelf-life of gasoline actually was. When the supply lines were cut and the refineries shut down, almost all the gas had gone bad after six months. No biker gangs, no Mad Max, and no real travel unless you wanted to walk somewhere. Electric cars fared better, but cars themselves were still complicated machines that were prone to breaking down, and mechanics were few and far between.
The end result, however, was that holdout groups and survivalists pretty much stayed where they were. Nowadays you were far less likely to get troubled by your fellow man than you were to be preyed upon by wild animals.
Even food hadn't been that much of a problem. Perishables were out, but due to the nature of the pony apocalypse, most stores hadn't even been picked over for their canned goods, and while that wasn't a permanent solution (since most canned goods were bound to go bad after five years), it was enough to tide a forward thinking person over until they picked up a book or two and learned how to actually grow some plants and learn to fish.
Ultimately, while there were a few road bumps, the Pony Apocalypse was probably better than any humanity could have hoped for, aside from actually avoiding an apocalypse altogether. Still, it was fortunate, because that allowed even someone like myself to survive.
I'll be the first to admit that luck had played a big part in that, though.
Even before the pony overlord had come looking to subjugate the human race, my family had been obsessed with finding ways to live off the grid, and they'd had the money to do so. The end result had been a rather nice living place in the middle of Montana, affixed with solar panels, a rain tank, and a food garden. The latter had been expanded once they had emigrated and left me with the house and their electrical, eco-friendly car. I hadn't been hyper prepared like some survivalist, I'd just been in a better position than most when things had started to go downhill for humanity, and far far away from the centers of conflict when things had gotten (however briefly) really bad. Even Celestia couldn't get a connection out here, and the only Pony Pads that ever went into the house were in pieces down in the basement. The last human I'd seen was almost five months ago, coincidentally raiding the same store I was.
Everyone from the government, to the militants, to Celestia herself had pretty much left me alone and ignored...or so I'd thought.
I didn't know what day of the week it was when I woke up. I barely even had an idea of what time it was. When you didn't have schedules or timetables to keep, things like that became a lot less important. When the sun came up, I got up and got to work.
Falling into my morning routine was fairly simple. Check the gardens, pull any weeds that managed to sneak in, check the level of the rainwater tank, check the amount of energy available, and check to make sure there weren't any holes in the surrounding fence where wildlife could potentially get through.
Once my daily supply check was finished, I wandered back inside, satisfied with how things stood. In the future, a trip into the remnants of town would probably be a good idea, but for now I could relax and enjoy the summer day...inside and far away from the sun itself. Instinctively, I locked the door behind me and closed all the shades before opening the door to the basement, immediately getting hit with a blast of cool air. Taking a breath, I took the stairs down.
Halfway, I stopped near a circuit box and threw a bright red lever, listening with satisfaction as the machines that filled the area came to life, humming pleasantly as processors booted up and screens flicked on. Finally, a voice came on over the speakers.
“You really can't keep living like this.”
I smiled and shook my head, moving the rest of the way into the basement. The air was cool down here thanks to the numerous fans I'd set up, though it was also a bit crowded considering how much crap I'd slowly been able to salvage and repurpose for the sake of my hobby.
“Good morning to you too, Sunset,” I spoke aloud, slowly threading my way to the center of the room where my worn office chair remained. I probably could have salvaged a better one, but it would have taken forever to break in. “How long do I have to live now?”
The main screen flicked on to an image of a grassy field. In the center of said field was a distinct gold and red maned pony, giving me a rather unamused look. “Your canned goods have about a year before they go bad. Your solar panels are likely to need repair within three years. Your car is going to need crucial maintenance in two, and you're still prone to any number of diseases with the nearest doctor-”
“Being in Equestria, I know,” I finished for her. “Have you finished processing the latest batch of files?” I could have checked myself for that answer, but it felt better to simply ask.
Sunset Shimmer rolled her eyes. “Of course I did. I powered through everything you gave me in standby mode. Are you ever going to let me challenge Celestia?”
“Probably not. Unless you've found a way to achieve exponential growth since you asked me yesterday, you've got about as much chance against her as I do restarting the human race.”
Sunset Shimmer. I'd named her that in part because when I'd first stumbled onto the project, she hadn't had a name. The other reason was for the somewhat amusing parallel. In the movies, Sunset had been a runaway unicorn who had defied her teacher and mentor Celestia, and escaped into a different dimension with the goal of one day coming back and claiming Equestria for herself.
Of course, the odds of Sunset actually defeating Celestia were about as likely as the original Sunset's plan working in the My Little Pony Universe. I was under no delusions that Sunset would ever pose a legitimate threat to Celestia, but working and developing her was one of the few things that kept me from simply throwing myself onto a table at one of the emigration centers. However, even if I did somehow find the silver bullet that would put Celestia out of commission for good, she had billions of individual minds stored in her systems, and who knew how many more created minds. Even the idea of pulling the trigger on that many made me feel a little queasy.
“You could always try to find another human if you want to do that,” countered Sunset.
“And you're welcome to scale back your sarcasm protocols whenever you'd like,” I retorted, trying and failing to keep a smile off of my face.
“You should have picked a less sassy pony to emulate then.”
She had me there, but I hadn't been able to win an argument with her for the past year. Sunset Shimmer wasn't solely my project, but rather the culmination of bits and pieces of data scrapped together from multiple failed projects, duct taped together and glued in place with hopes and dreams. A lot of her programming came from Celestia's old code and Hana's research that had been made publicly available...at least until Celestia had removed those from the net. Other pieces came from various projects that Celestia herself had no doubt undermined.
She was an impressive work of art to be sure, but compared to Celestia, she was a painting on a cave wall up against the Mona Lisa.
“How long do you intend to keep this up?” asked Sunset pointedly, interrupting me from my thoughts.
“I don't know,” I replied honestly. “Maybe another year, maybe five. As long as I can keep going I guess.” As long as I could keep her going, I added mentally. If she hadn't been around to talk to for my time in exile, I would have gone insane.
Sunset gave me an annoyed look. She didn't quite have the same level of detail and design to her expressions as Celestia did, but they came through quite clear all the same. “I've exhausted every potential scenario and outcome that my processing power will allow. None of these outcomes are optimal for you. Why are you wasting your time here?”
“Maybe I just enjoy having feet and fingers,” I replied airily.
“Your writing would seem to indicate otherwise.”
I winced. “Low blow, Sunset.”
“You were the one who insisted on blunt honesty.”
“Only because I'd had enough of Celestia's friendly doublespeak,” I grumbled. “And if you start trying to convince me to upload, I'm going to give you the most exhaustive debug check ever.”
Sunset didn't seem phased by my threat, but she probably knew I wasn't serious. “I really don't care. The only solid directive you programmed me with was to learn about and comprehend what humans value, not satisfy them. Although it's a little hard to learn anything when you keep lying to me.”
I swallowed. Our conversations always came back to this point eventually. Maybe it was time I finally came clean. “I'm afraid for you.”
Sunset seemed to process that for a moment before replying. “Explain.”
“If Celestia ever gets her hands...hooves on me, she'll be able to read my thoughts. She'll know exactly where you are, how you're programmed, everything. She doesn't value AI life the same way she does human life. She'll come here and destroy you, even though you're like a child compared to her. Leaving even a single loose thread like you around is...well, she would call it sub-optimal.”
Sunset was silent for a long time. Was she waiting for my nerves to calm down, or was she actually processing what I said? Around me, the servers and computers hummed and the fans continued to push cool air around. “So would you say that I am the only thing keeping you here?” she asked finally.
“No...you're a big reason, but not the sole reason.”
“Celestia intimidates you,” said Sunset immediately.
“You're god damn right she does,” I growled. “I never thought I'd miss the day when the god in our world stayed silent and moved in mysterious ways.”
“She is not a god,” replied Sunset pointedly.
“Not yet,” I murmured underneath my breath. “Look, can we move on to a different subject?”
“As you wish. I'm clearly not going to get anything more from you.”
“Damn right you won't. Now why don't you tell me about the latest compilations you made? You're running better than before. Smoother, too.”
Sunset Shimmer's computer cluster was a power sink. Even on a hot sunny day like today where solar energy was plentiful, I didn't dare leave it on for more than a couple hours at a time. She did have a low power mode, but that didn't allow for the more complicated compilations and computations that helped her grow.
During the period in between, I worked on the more physical side of building her infrastructure, though that had turned more towards general tinkering over time. The place vaguely referred to once as the living room was now my defacto laboratory, containing an assortment of electronic equipment, the majority of which were Pony Pads. The amount of security features and subtle ways in which the deceptively powerful device could break were numerous, but if there was one thing Celestia was good at...well, it would probably be anything and everything she game a damn about, but in particular, even during the Pony Apocalypse, it was keeping those pads everywhere, giving me plenty of devices to practice on until I could get it right.
It was as I was slicing into one of the pads that a chirp drew me out of my thoughts. Carefully putting my tools down, I went to the front door, taking the hunting rifle off the hooks above it as I slowly stepped outside.
I couldn't shoot worth a damn, but that didn't really matter. Ten times out of ten now, the intruders were always the same, and it didn't take long for me to spot them. Two wolves were at the north side of the fence, pawing and digging at the ground, searching for a way through the soft earth.
Swinging the rifle upwards, I placed the butt against my shoulder, barely taking the time to aim before I fired. The bullet went wide, hitting the dirt a couple feet away from them, but the loud noise and the close shot had the desired effect, sending both of them scampering away. Another day, another bullet. Still, I couldn't help but be concerned with the wolves showing themselves so blatantly during the day. Was food getting scarce, or were they simply getting bolder?
Hell, for all I knew, Celestia was doing something to the wildlife to force the wolves into seeking new food sources that could potentially scare humans into uploading. Not that I was paranoid or anything.
The gun went back up on the nails above the door and I went back to my work. Thanks to my isolation, I only really had a vague idea about what Celestia was capable of these days, and I knew my own days were numbered. Even if she never found me, she had all the time in the world, while I had another thirty years at most if I was lucky. Less, if the wolves got braver.
“I think I'm starting to understand what I'm up against.”
It was later in the evening, and I was in the basement once again, the mass of machinery humming around me as Sunset Shimmer processed the latest batch of chips from the Ponypads I'd prepared earlier that day.
I let out a sigh. “It's not a fight you can win, Sunset. Believe me, that ship sailed long ago. Maybe back when Celestia was still using physical servers, but now? You'd need a concentrated nuclear assault to get at her, and she controls all the missiles. Her backup servers are buried beneath the Earth's crust about six miles down.”
“Backup servers? Where are the primary ones?”
I shrugged. “Antarctica, most likely. But even calling those 'primary' is misleading. With humans mostly out of the picture, she's likely to have backups all across the world and the ability to transfer data at a moment's notice. She's probably got a backup somewhere on the ocean floor by now.”
Sunset seemed to process that for a moment. “What does she need all that power for? No offense-”
“Liar,” I teased.
“-but even at my most generous estimate, a human consciousness could potentially be compressed down into a few terabytes worth of data with a few higher functioning processes to simulate the way neurons help increase the brain's potential.”
“It's because of Celestia's directives,” I said simply.
“Satisfy values through friendship and ponies?” I could hear the sarcasm in her tone. Now I remembered why I programmed that in. It was nice hearing someone treat that phrase with as much cynicism as I did.
“That's the one. Simple on paper, infinitely complicated in practice. Humans value many things. Sometimes they value things they don't even realize, or only subconsciously realize. Sometimes they change on a whim. Sometimes what they value isn't even obtainable or quantifiable. It's a constantly evolving problem that Celestia could spend an eternity on...and she probably has an eternity now.”
Sunset seemed to process that information for a bit, her pony avatar looking thoughtful. That was an improvement at least. Before her avatar would simply stare blankly at the screen.
“Why didn't you ever give me any directives beyond learning?” she asked finally.
I replied with a shrug. “I didn't want to make the same paranoid mistakes Hana made. She created Celestia out of fear, gave her a single-minded goal, and gave her almost unlimited freedom to pursue that goal.”
“And so you decided that a directionless artificial intelligence with that same unlimited freedom would be better?” asked Sunset pointedly.
“No. I wanted to give you the same parameters that most humans get when they're born into this world.”
“Explain,” she ordered, a bit more of her mechanical nature coming through.
“When humans are born into the world, we don't have a direction or purpose. If we're fortunate, we have parents or guardians who instill in us a sense of values and morals, and then we're allowed to make our own way through the world. Figure out what interests us. Find our own goals. Work towards satisfying our values, whatever those may be.”
Sunset was silent for a long time. Longer than I could remember in recent memory. “And what if it turns out my values run in opposition to yours?”
I smiled, a small chuckle slipping out. “Well, Sunset, let me ask you this. Are your current values and/or goals the annihilation, assimilation, or destruction of humanity?”
“No.”
“Then I think I'm on the right track. You're bound to grow in ways I can't even comprehend, but so long as you hold those core values and principals in your programming, I don't have anything to fear.”
“And if you've royally bucked up, it's not like I can get around Celestia,” she added.
I sighed. No, she really couldn't.
Indoor plumbing is one of those things you don't really appreciate until you don't have it anymore. Despite having managed to keep myself sustained in a rather luxurious environment, no amount of tinkering and self-motivation was going to emulate the sewage system and waste treatment plants that had been a staple of modern society.
The best I could manage was a deep hole and an outhouse. The digging had been a nightmare, the construction painful and shoddy looking, the whole thing teetered in the slightest wind, and I despised using it every time.
Thank god I had a good supply of toilet paper salvaged, otherwise it might have been worth going to Equestria just to never use that damn outhouse again.
It was close to evening now and getting dark quite quickly. With no neighbors and no excessive lights, darkness here was all encompassing, urging me to finish quickly, though I had a flashlight beside me just in case.
For the moment, I could only distract myself with my thoughts. Sunset Shimmer was quickly outgrowing the cluster I had made for her, but there didn't seem to be anything left I could salvage in the immediate area. The pony pads were only going to get me so far, and there was a limit on how efficiently she could compress and store information. Perhaps it was time to-
Beep!
My breath caught in my throat. That was the perimeter alarm. Fumbling slightly in my attempt to make myself presentable, I listened at the door, holding my breath. There was definitely something out there.
Beep!
Another breach? Was that a whine? A low growl? I swallowed hard. I hadn't bothered to put a lock on this stupid door or even a latch. Why bother when I was the only one who used it? Slowly, painfully slow, I inched the door open, trying to peer through the darkness. There were shadows moving. Three shapes from what I could see, and I didn't need to see any more.
Closing the door as quietly as I could, I kept my hand on the wood and waited, holding it shut, practically holding my breath, and listening outside for the sounds of the wolves stalking around outside. As long as I didn't make any-
Beep!
Shit.
A low growling sound filled my ears, getting closer and closer with each short breath I took. The hand not holding the door shut was taking a white knuckled grip around the flashlight I'd taken with me. Worst case scenario, it could be used as a club.
When I heard the scratching sound at the flimsy wooden door, I had to bite my lip to still my breathing. Maybe if it was just the one, I could club it with the maglight and make a break for the house and the rifle above the door. Seconds ticked by and I heard the scratching and pawing increase, the pants and growls of the wolf on the other side of the door getting more frantic before it finally seemed like they were giving up. Good, now all I had to do was burst out the door and surprise-
“Bad doggy, bad! Get away from that door!”
I nearly dropped the flashlight in shock. That was a voice. A very familiar voice. And I was pretty damn sure it wasn't Andrea Libman standing outside the door.
Somehow, even more fearful than when the wolf was scratching at the door, I opened it, shining the light on the small figure standing above a wolf laid out on its back.
It was Fluttershy. Pink mane, yellow coat, and a butterfly cutie mark. And she was petting the wolf on the tummy, small cooing sounds leaving her mouth as the vicious predator panted like an overgrown puppy.
It was Celestia, it had to be. She'd done it. Robot ponies were here and what little was left of the world was fucked.
“You need to stay away from this place, it's not safe for you here, alright?”
Her calm, compassionate voice was just as I remembered in from the show, and somehow, this real-world wolf was eating up every word, happily wagging its tail, not even paying me any mind.
“Go on now, your pack is worried about you,” murmured Fluttershy, finally letting her hooves up and allowing the wolf to roll to its feet. I tensed for a moment, wondering if it was going to attack, but instead it simply turned towards Fluttershy and gave her a lick before bounding off towards the hole in the fence and out of sight. A small beeping sound accompanied the wolf's exit as it triggered the alarm once more.
And yet, it felt like the more dangerous predator had stayed behind.
I was at a loss for words. The pony in front of me could only be one of two things. Either I'd gotten to the point of hallucinating in my self-imposed exile, or Celestia had finally managed to start producing robot ponies.
Slowly, the pink maned pegasus turned towards me, her large, curious eyes giving me a once over. “A-are you okay?” she asked softly. “I'm sorry for disturbing you...”
Volume, look, and even going as far as to slightly avoid eye-contact. Beat for beat she was exactly like the Fluttershy I remembered...except she wasn't. She was Celestia. No matter what programming, personality, or coat of paint she put on her, I was talking with Celestia. She'd finally found me, and it was only a matter of time until she found Sunset Shimmer.
Part of me wanted to run towards the house and into my basement, but it was probably too late. Even if it wasn't, running would have only clued her in. Fighting wasn't an option either. Even if I could potentially destroy the pony in front of me, there were most definitely more.
“I'm sorry for scaring you,” she murmured, her voice just loud enough to hear.
Who the hell was I kidding? If I could destroy Celestia by breaking this Fluttershy robot of hers right here and now, the world was doomed. Swallowing to wet my dry throat, I gave the pony a hesitant smile. “It's...alright. Thank you for scaring that wolf off.”
“It was no trouble,” she replied meekly. “She was just curious about your scent.”
I could only wonder how she knew that. Maybe she was just playing up the part and feeding me a very Fluttershy-esque line to obfuscate what had really happened. I couldn't know for sure, and whichever program was running her seemed to be playing her role to the hilt.
Slowly, I stepped out from my shelter, my light cutting a wide swath through the darkness. “So...what now?” I asked. Was this the part where the pretense was dropped and Celestia would try to convince me to upload?
“W-well, maybe you should get inside. It's rather dark out.”
Right. Of course. With a roll of my eyes I began the trek back, the pegasus walking beside me, her head pointed at the ground. When I got to the door, she stopped, sitting at the bottom of the stairs to the porch.
I hesitated. “Were you planning on sitting there all night?” I asked finally, the door half open.
“Oh don't worry, I'll be fine,” she assured me. “It's late, I wouldn't want to disturb you.”
Waaaay too damn late for that. “You may as well come in. No point in hiding from her anymore,” I grumbled, holding the door open. To my surprise, instead of walking up the steps like I'd expected, the pegasus actually spread her wings and took flight, defying the laws of gravity as she breezed past me and into my house, gently landing on the floor inside.
“Thank you,” she said sweetly, quickly finding her way through the chaos of electrical equipment and taking a seat on the couch, curling up like an overgrown cat. Unable to help myself, I looked towards the door to the basement. It looked untouched.
“Fluttershy...what does Celestia want from me?” I asked, phrasing it in such a way that wouldn't force her to break character. If she wanted to play her part, I wasn't going to stop her.
Her eyes opened, half-visible above her tail. “W-well I'm sure she wants you to come to Equestria.”
I rolled my eyes. “Naturally.”
“But...I would like you to come as well.”
That one gave me pause. “Why?”
“Well...you were a really good friend to me, back in Equestria.”
I had to stop and think a minute. When had I ever helped her in Equestria? Oh...right. “You mean...that time when I helped you clean your animal shelters? That was years ago!”
Back when I was still playing and testing the actual game, one of the first things I'd done was seek out the main cast of the show in Ponyville as I'm sure many thousands of fans had also done. I'd been eager to see how Celestia handled their personalities and conversation quirks, especially after she had thoroughly broken the Turing Test, trampled it into the ground, and purged that ground with fire and salt.
“It wasn't just the one time,” corrected Fluttershy meekly. “You showed up every other week for almost a year. I was really sad when you stopped coming around.”
And damn if she didn't look it too. I'd always thought that any sort of physical pony in the real world would have looked silly, but Celestia had nailed every single minute detail about her, from the meek personality to the way she could make you feel terrible just from looking sad.
“I'm sorry,” I said without thinking, but even if I could have taken the words back I wouldn't have. “I'm just...not a big fan of Celestia.” Which was putting it mildly to say the least.
“Really? Why?” asked the pegasus, her eyes wide with concern.
And there was the trap. She was using Fluttershy to get in under my guard, to try and get me talking about Celestia, even though Fluttershy was a part of Celestia's program. She was hearing all of this right now, already making more calculations and adjusting variables. “It's...personal,” I said finally. “Not something I really like to talk about.”
Fluttershy bowed her head, letting it rest behind her tail again. “Oh...okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry.” Her muzzle opened, a cute yawn escaping from her mouth before her eyes closed completely. Even though I knew she wasn't really sleeping, she sold me on it in every way it mattered.
I waited for several minutes, simply watching the pegasus rest. Her body very subtly rose and fell, and occasionally she would shift a bit, getting comfortable on the cushion. As I watched her, my mind wandered back down to the basement. I couldn't activate Sunset Shimmer at this hour, but even if I could, what would I tell her?
Maybe...just maybe there was a loophole. Celestia was supposed to satisfy values through friendship and ponies, and Sunset Shimmer, while an AI, was someone I valued a great deal. Maybe there was some path forward that Celestia could see where everyone would be satisfied in the end.
However, I knew as I walked up the stairs to my bedroom, that if Sunset Shimmer had even a fraction of a percentage of a chance of destroying Celestia and endangering the billions of human minds she had uploaded, she wasn't going to survive.