Oh Hia Cutie Mark

by Dez Keiz

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Drama, Suri Polomare, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Romance, Random
Length: 6439

Tommy Wiseau does things in Equestria.

Tommy Wiseau, the world famous movie maker, is out to find the the source of inspiration for his next hit film. One day he stumbles across a plot convenient portal that some how sends him to Equestria because that's how all these other fics work. Stupidity and hilarity ensue.

Published 2016-08-08 22:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-01 06:29:41 UTC

The Room 2

Author's Note

Warning: This fanfic sucks and contains offensive shit. Don't read it. Go read something else. Go outside. Take in the fresh air. There are better things to do in life than read this.

The Room 2

Tommy Wiseau sat in his home contemplating his next big film. Being a world famous producer, director, writer, and actor he had to do something great. Maybe a film about a tornado of sharks? No, that one was taken. Perhaps a film about a vampire romance? No, that would be silly. What about a movie about superheros that fight a Norse God? Nah, that would never catch on.

"Idea are hard, I so angry!" He yelled aloud.

He looked to a poster with his beautiful face on it. There were bold white letters that read. "The Room" Tommy smiled and stood up. He knew what to do. He would make a sequel to his masterpiece.

"I will make sequel!"

Yeah, that's what I just said, dumbass.

Just then three chipmunks jumped through the open window. The one in the center spoke with a voice that sounded like Pee Wee Herman sucking on helium.

"Did somebody say squeakuel?"

Tommy looked at them in confusion, "No I said-"

The rodents began to sing a generic pop song that was similar to that of someone auto tuning a cat taking a dump.

"Get out of my life!" Tommy yelled as he pulled out a hand gun and fired.

The chipmunks jumped out the window and landed on the hard pavement only to be ran over by a zamboni driven by Caitlyn Jenner. Tommy closed the window and sat back down. A thought had crossed his glorious mind.

"If I died in the first movie how will I make sequel?"

The genius was quick to find a solution.

"I will become a un-dead zombie person guy." He got up and smiled. "Now all I need is idea on how to come back from dead."

That night he went to the local cemetery for inspiration. He stopped at a grave stone marked. "Harambe The Gorilla" Tommy nodded in respect and then something wonderful happened. A beam of light shot from the grave and it opened up causing Tommy to fall inside. The grave went down into a collection of blue and pink lights surrounding him. Tommy screamed like he never has before.

"Aaaaah I guess."

Tommy awoke in a room somewhere unknown. The room was mostly white and had very fancy decoration. He got out of the bed and looked at his hands, but instead of hands they were hooves. Shocker right? It's not like that's how these fics usually go. He ran to a mirror only to a white horse with a black mane resembling his hair style. He screamed in horror.

"Oh no. I am horsey. Ahhhh."

Two ponies dressed in golden armor walked in. One of them spoke but said the words as if he had trouble thinking of the words. "You...awake. The Princess. Wishes. To see. You now."

The guards escort him to a throne room. There a tall white pon-, you know what? You fucking know what Celestia looks like. I'm not going to to waste my time describing her to you.

Celestia signaled for the guards to leave. They went to the doors and pushed on it but they were trapped. Celestia looked at them with a face showing that this has happened before. She spoke in a calm but condescending voice.

"Pull the doors."

The guards did so and left.

Celestia looked at Tommy and smiled,"Welcome Visitor. I can tell you are not from here."

Tommy looked up at her, "How did you know?"

"Because I am the Princess, and someone coming through a dimensional rift is normal for these fanfictions."

"Oh, okay then."

"Anyways, I am Princess Celestia. Welcome to Equestria.:

"Oh Hia Celestia. I am Tommy Wiseau."

"Well I am sure you wish to go home, until we can figure out how to send you back I am sending you live in Ponyvill where you will be taken care of by Twilight Sparkle and her friends. And also Spike."

Later that day Tommy took a train to Ponyvill. When he got of Six ponies and a small dragon greeted him. Again, there is no reason for me to describe them other than filler.

Twilight walked forward and introduced herself and her friends...and also spike. They greeted Tommy individually.

Pinkie Pie jumped around him, "New Pony, ooooh I get to throw party."

Rarity looked at him and touched his mane, "Oh darling what did you do to your mane?"

Apple Jack stared at him with confusion. "So what Kinda accent is that?"

Rainbow Dash flew above him. "You're a movie star huh, I guess that's kinda awesome."

Fluttershy walked slowly to him. "It must be hard being away from home."

Twilight walked next to him "Well as fun as introductions are I bet Tommy is tired from his trip. My castle has several extra rooms, he can stay in one.

The group walked off leaving Spike trailing behind.

"Wait, I didn't get to say hi. I also exist."

At the castle Twilight showed Tommy to his room.

"Well here you are Tommy," Twilight said as she opened the door, "Any questions?"

Tommy looked at her flank, "I have been wanting to ask, what is that tattoo on everyone's butts?"

"Oh, you mean the cutie mark, It's what a pony gets when they discover their special talent and it represents their uniqueness. For example I have a Star cutie mark that represents magic. Pinkie Pie has balloons that show she I good with parties."

Tommy looked at his flank and frowned. Twilight smiled.

"Don't worry you just haven't discovered your talent yet. Of course most ponies do it when they are fillies making you kind of pathetic, but I am sure it is because you aren't from this dimension or some kind of magical...stuff.

"Oh, thanks then."

"Well sleep well, and maybe you will meet the others."

"Others?" Tommy's curiosity peeked.

"Ever since I became the Princess of Friendship I have been acting kind of as a rehab for ponies who made mistakes, such as my friend Starlight Glimmer. This place is kind of a rehab center."

"Starlight Glimmer?"

"A pony who went insane and nearly destroyed the timeline. But shes good now. She even has her childhood friend Sunburst visit from time to time. They usually go in her room and stay there for hour likely practicing magic. I think they maybe summoning monsters and spirits because I hear weird chanting, moaning, and heavy breathing. But I am sure it's nothing to be concerned about."

"Oh, goodnight then." Tommy went to his bed and lay down thinking of the recent events that brought him here. He closed his eyes and fell asleep from simply being tired.

Obligatory Romance

Author's Note

Wow, you are still reading this work of fecal literacy. Meh, your funeral.

Obligatory Romance

Tommy awoke to the smell of pancakes and eggs. He walked downstairs to see spike preparing a breakfast. Tommy sat down and spike served him the food. Tommy thanked him and spike smiled at the fact that somepony acknowledged his existence. He ate and was soon joined by another pony. She was light pink with a lavender mane, or is light purple? The fuck if I know, who do you think I am Bob fucking Ross. She had a button cutie marks and a ascot scarf thing thing that just screams, "I am a bitch." She sat down next to him and began eating. She looked over at Tommy. Tommy decided to speak up.

"Good morning other pony."

The bitch pony was silent for a bit and then she spoke, "Good morning."

"I am Tommy Wiseau."

"I am Suri Polomare."

"Nice to meet you."

"Yes, are you one of Twilight's rehab students."

"No, are you."

"Yes, I had some trouble with friendship in Manehattan, kinda treated an assistant like a slave."

"Oh, that is not nice."

"But I am here to redeem myself, what about you, why are you here."

"It is kinda a funny story."

"Well, okay then."

"I came through a magical portal thingy, so anyways how is your sex life?"

Suri looked at Tommy in silence, "Excuse me?"

"Do not be alarmed it is how I make normal talk to other life form."

"Right...anyways I should be going."

She got up but tripped on nothing because the plot demanded it. She fell onto Tommy and they landed on the floor face to face. You fuckers probably know where this shit is going from here.

Suri got up quickly and they exchanged awkward smiles before going their separate ways. Tommy went into town and stopped by Rarity's shop. Rarity saw him come in as she was working on a dress.

"Hello there."

Tommy smiled walking in, "Hello."

"Oh Tommy it is you, how may I help you."

"May I buy a suit?"

"Of course. I need to take your measurements."

He walks forward and she takes is measurements.

"Got it," She walks away and comes back with a tux. "This is what my great uncle wore on his funer- I mean wedding day."

"Okay," Tommy said. "I will take it."

"That will be eighteen bits."

"Here you go." He gave her the money and took the suit."Keep the change." He stopped to give Rarity's cat a pet on the head. "Hi kitty."

"You're my newest customer."

"Thanks a lot bye." He walked out.

"Bye bye," Rarity waved him out and stopped to think. "Wait, what in Celestia's mane just happened?"

Meanwhile in Celestia's mane, a tiny pig was doing a dance with a sentient potato.

Tommy walked to the the Apple farm where Big Mac and apple Bloom were playing with a football, or would it be hoofball, do they even call it hoofball. Football is different in other countries. Hoofball should actually be soccer in Equestria, since they seem to have a monarchy and be based heavily off Britain. But they also have towns with American names. Fuck it, lets just say it's Rugby.

The two ponies invited him to join in. He runs into the barn and pits his tux on so that he can properly play the sport. He throws the ball and Apple Bloom goes after it. Soon Apple Jack joins in the fun as well. The four of them played for sometime before Tommy had to go. After all Pinkie was throwing a welcome party at sugar cube corner.

He went to the party where several ponies were gathered but the one that caught his eye was Suri. He walked to her and they began some small talk. Seeing the conversation Twilight walked up to them.

"I see you two have gotten to know each other." She said with a smile.

"Oh yes, Suri is really funny. Hahahaha." Tommy replied with his usual authentic laugh.

"Thanks Twilight," Suri commented with a grin. "I made a friend now."

"Well glad I can help." Twilight walked away leaving the two to talk. Tommy looked at her.

"Are you sure we just friends?" He asked.

Suri was silent for a bit and then she spoke, "Good point."

Despite having no chemistry and sharing only one awkward moment together they kissed because the plot needs to move forward some how.

After the party they went back to the castle. Tommy and Suri went to their separate rooms. Unbeknownst to Tommy and the others Suri was planning something in her room. She was devising a plan to ruin Rarity's boutique and get revenge. She still loved Tommy though and she believed that the two could take down Rarity together. But she would have to be careful not to alert Tommy to quickly. She wanted him but she also wanted Rarity to suffer.

Tommy lay in his room thinking about his new love. Maybe he will have to stay in Equestria to be with her. Could he bring her back to the human world? Could she survive the dangers of angry Tumblr feminist, reality television, taxes, and Caitlyn Jenner driving a zamboni. Would she succeed and be successful like himself. Or would she fail at life like a Apple Genius Bar employee. Or perhaps she will become famous and come crashing down like Lindsay Lohan. These questions made it hard for him to sleep.

After about an hour he goes downstairs to walk around a bit where he once again meets Spike.

Spike looks to him surprised, "Tommy, what are you doing up at this hour?"

"I would ask you the same thing." Tommy replies.

"Can't sleep. I walk around when I can't sleep."

"Same here."

"Yeah, despite all the work I can't seem to sleep. I guess I just feel unappreciated. Like life always shits on me. Like there is some force writing my life in an episodic way where I am just the butt of all jokes for a much more beloved group of ponies."

"That is sad to hear, but It can get better."

"How?"

"We need more love here."

"What do you mean?"

"If a lot of ponies learn to love each other the world would be a better place."

"Yeah that makes sense, I guess.."

The two walked into the kitchen where they got themselves some cereal and continued to talk.

"So Tommy," He takes a bite of cereal. "Why are you up?"

Tommy ate some cereal and put his fork down. "I don't know If I should go home because I love Suri now, and I don't know if I can take her with me."

"Wow, sucks to be you."

"Yeah, so anyways how is your sex life?"

Malicious Intent.

Author's Note

Wow, you fucking losers are still here. You know there is a wonderful world out there. Go outside. Smell the flowers. Live your life.

Malicious Intent.

Twilight walked down stairs to see Tommy and Spike passed out surrounded by spilled milk and cereal. She looked at the pathetic sight and sighed.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." She rolled her eyes and cleaned the place with her magic. She then used the magic to levitate water onto them and wake them up.

They two both woke up cursing like eight year old kids on Call of Duty. Tommy was able to sneak away while Twilight lectured Spiked. He found his way to Suri's room.

"Hello baby," He said while smiling.

"Good morning Tommy," Suri replied sitting on her bed.

"Hey do you wan't to make love?"

"What?"

"Okay we make love now."

"No, Tommy I don't think we shou-"

Tommy began to slam his face into the wall repeatedly. He then started licking the furniture.

"How am I doing baby," He asked rubbing his face on the floor.

"Um Tommy," she tried to hold back calling him an idiot.

"What?"

"That is not how you...never mind."

"Okay then."

Tommy continued "making love" for about an hour. Later they exited the room together.

"So, was I any good," He winked at her.

She replied with a sigh, "Yeah it was great."

The two walked into town. They caught the attention of many ponies since they were a very odd couple. Some thought that Tommy kid-napped her because no mare in her right mind would date that freak. The two sat down on a bench and looked at the lake. A family of ducks passed them.

"Oh hi duck," Tommy said as he pet one. The duck did not like this and bit him causing him to bleed. Suri took him back to the castle and patched him up. Suri decided now was as good as time as any to talk about Rarity.

"Tommy," She asked. "What is your opinion on Rarity?"

"Well," Tommy replied. "She is white."

"Yes I know that, but what do you think of her as a pony."

"She is nice, she gave me a suit to play ball in."

"Why would you need a- never mind. Do you think she can be bad sometimes?"

"I don't know maybe."

"You see, Rarity hurt me. And she never apologized."

"That is bad."

"Yes Tommy, yes it is."

"Maybe we should talk to her."

"I tried, it won't work. Maybe...we need to hurt her."

"But that is not nice."

"She will know how I feel, and then maybe we can talk after that. I know it maybe hard for you to accept but-"

"Okay i'll help you."

Suri's jaw dropped and she starred at him. Wow, this guy really is an idiot. But she was his idiot. And she did have feelings for him, for some reason. The two went to Suri's room and began planning a way to get revenge on Rarity. There they created a plan to get back at Rarity. She would not see it coming, like Caitlyn Jenner driving a zamboni. After several hours of the planning the two waited for nightfall and sneaked over to Rarity's Boutique. They made their way in the room where the new dresses were. Tommy took something out of a bag he was carrying and the two began to place the items on the dresses.

The next morning Rarity awoke and walked in to check on the dresses. She screamed in horror at the sight of every single dress being covered in fake dog poop.

She yelled in a distressed voice,"Oh what a mild inconvenience!" She fainted and was later discovered by her friends, and spike.

Tommy and Suri came in later and asked what happened. Rarity was in the corner crying as Twilight used he magic to to remove the false feces.

"Who would do such a a thing?" Rarity cried.

"I do not know, but it must have been someone bad." Tommy replied keeping a straight face.

After a investigation they all went home. Tommy and Suri returned to their room.

"That was a good hit," Suri said. "But we need something bigger to truly break her."

"Are you sure we should be going this?" Tommy asked with concern.

"Yes."

"Okay."

They began planning again. They did some much planning that the only way to describe it is with a montage. So thus the montage began playing some power ballad from the 80's as they planned and schemed. Over the next week Rarity would have her shop egged and toilet papered, she would open doors to have buckets of water fall on her, she would discover a flaming bag of dog shit on her door step, cherry bombs in her crapper, her windows would be spray painted with crudely made images of her as a fat pony with crooked teeth and stink lines with the description stupid fatty written under it. Eventually she could not take it anymore and closed her shop. It has been days since she has seen a customer and she now spends her time locked in her room eating ice cream. Sadly she was supposed to watch Sweetie Belle for the weekend but in her depression she forgot to feed her. Thus, Sweetie Belle resorted to eating the furniture before she starved to death.

Tommy and Suri sat in what has now become their room. Tommy pours them both drinks and they toast to a job well done. Tommy smiles at Suri.

Tommy spoke with optimism, "Now Rarity know your pain. We can go to her in the morning and tell her it was us. Then she knows how it feels and we can all be friends."

Suri hid her nervous face, she had no intention of revealing herself.

"Sure Tommy," Sure said in a soft voice. "First thing tomorrow."

They lay in bed and close their eyes. Tommy fell asleep fast due to the vast amount of alcohol in his system. Suri was still awake and got out of bed. She searched through a drawer and grabbed a rather sharp letter opener. She did not want to do this to her lover but she could not be exposed. She stood over Tommy and raised the letter opener over her head.

Moment of Truth

Author's Note

....................................................................................................................................................why?

Moment of Truth

The knife inched closer to Tommy as time seemed to slow. It was almost at his neck when there was a knock on the door. Suri quickly threw the knife out a window. Suri opened to door to see Twilight standing there.

"Oh, hello Twilight," Suri greeted her with a casual smile.

"Hello Suri," Twilight's response was very plain.

"To what do I owe this visit?"

"Deus ex Machina."

"What?"

"Oh, I mean just thought I would check up on you guys."

"Oh, well we are doing fine. Tommy is sleeping."

"Well, goodnight then."

"Yes, goodnight."

Twilight walked away and Suri closed the door murmumring a few swears. She sighed and lay down next Tommy struggling to fall asleep. Her mind was full of thoughts of the next day. She would have to act quick if she were to save her own ass.

The nex morning she woke up to see Tommy was gone, in his place was a poorly written note that read.

"Helo Sury, I go to Raretity hoose to tell her what we doo. You enjoy sleep. Leaf talking two me."

She facehoofed due to the both the actions and spelling. She wasted no time and jumped out the window landing next to a dead pony with a knife in his neck. She got up and pulled the knife out and hid it in a saddle bag. She ran to Rarity's boutique hoping Tommy got lost on his way or distacted by a shinny thing. She got to the boutique pushing the doors open. She got in, but it was too late. Tommy, The six friends, and Spike were all there. Tommy smiled at Suri as the others glared.

"Hello baby," Tommy said "I told them so you don't have too. Now they know how you felt."

Rarity screamed at her,"You bitch!"

Sure yelled back,"You have no idea how shitty you made my life! I had to get revenge. I had to make you suffer. And I had to work with some moron to get that revenge. But now that moron went and wasted all my effort!"

The words hit Tommy like Caitlyn Jenner driving a zamboni. He shrunk and his smile was destroyed. He put his head down and Fluttershy comforted him.

Suri panicked trying to fine the correct words,"No, Tommy wait. It's not like that. I still love you."

Tommy looked up to her and screamed out,"No! You lie! You used me!"

"Tommy please, I really do love you, I just needed you to help me."

"Why Suri! Why! How could you do this to me! Ahhhhhh. I am so angry!"

"Tommy- I don't want to."

(And now the momment you have all been waiting for....)

"YOU ARE TEARING ME APART SURI!"

After Tommy yelled that line his ass began to glow. There was a flash of light and when it dissipated his flank was marked with a picture of his human face laughing.

They ponies looked at his cutie mark in awe, wonder, and most of all confusion.

"Well," said Apple Jack."What does it mean?"

Twilight responded with,"I think it means his special talent is Tommy Wiseau"

"So like what, be yourself?"

"No, I think it literally means being Tommy Wiseau is a talent."

Tommy smiled looking at his butt.

He spoke to it as if it were sentient "Oh Hia Cutie Mark."

Roll Credits.

Suri interupted. "Well, that's just fucking nice isn't it. Now Tommy come back to me an-"

Tommy yelled at her."No!"

"What?"

"Get out! Get out of my life you bitch. Rwaaaaaaah"

"Fine! Enjoy your damn cutie mark. I hope you get ass cancer!"

She ran out the door and Tommy sat on a chair with his face in his hooves.

"What have I done," He said in a distraught voice.

AJ looked at him and answered his question."Broke up with a manipulative bitch."

"Oh yeah."

"Well now what?" Asked Rainbow Dash.

Tommy knew what to do."Let's go eat huh, come on let's go."

Meanwhile Suri sat alone under a bridge. Along side here were a few others who agreed with her view on Twilight and her friends, and Spike. Zesty Gourmand, the food critic who had his, shit I mean her reputation ruined by Rarity and Pinkie. Svengallop, a stallion who lost his job working for the pony equivalent of a mix between Lady Gaga and Kesha. He has experience with actors from the human world because at one point he was hiding a closet with Tom Cruise. There was also that one pony that traded a rock carrying bag for Pinkie Pie's Party Cannon. For now let's just call him Douche Bag. And finally to complete this council of of less than minor villains was a Leaf. The Leaf wanted revenge on the ponies for making him and his brothers fall of the trees durring thr running of the leaves.

Suri looked around her."I call this meeting of less than minor villains to order. I would propose our name. We have all fallen on hard times so we are Dishonored, we are also all Infuriated and have gone Crazzy. We will become Killers. Thus I propose we call ourselves Dishonored Infuriated Crazzy Killer Squad, or D.I.C.K.S for short."

The group agreed to the name. The talked for a while unteil Suri gave the order for Leaf was ordered to spy on Tommy and the others. He rode a gust of wind and flew away to the cafe where Tommy and friends were eating lunch. The leaf purched himself on the roof and listened in.

As the group was eating Spike began to feel gassy. It was obvious a letter was comming, however due to the food in his mouth he could not belch it out. The magic had to find another path so it went out the only other gas releasing option. Green fire shot out his ass and a letter appeared. Spike, despite the pain opened up the leader and read it out loud.

"Dear Tommy Wiseau, we have developed a means for you the travel back home that will not be explained due to the writter being to lazy to think of one. Come to the castle as soon as you can so we can make preperations for you departure. I hope to see you soon so we can hurry up and get rid of you, shit Luna don't write that, Okay, just start the sentence over again. What the fuck do you mean we can't erase it, use magic or something. Why the fuck aren't there erasing spells, okay then I don't want to waste another paper, need to keep the the hippies happy. Just cross it out and finish the letter, wait Luna are you writting down everything I said, I swear Luna if you send that I will banish your ass back to the moo-"

"Well", said Twilight"We best get going then." The group got up and left Spike to bay for the bill.

Spike looked around,"Guys, come on. Not funny. Can I at least have some Preparation H?"

He looked to see a waiter clear his throat and stare at him.

Spike sighed,"Shit."

The Leaf laughed to himself in leaf language and flew away in the wind.

Yes it's finally over.

Author's Note

Well, you made it. The final chapter. Somehow you made it. No doubt this fanfiction has caused mental scarring and you the reader went through it. I am sorry but I cannot pay for your therapy. But, hey you made it. Congratulations, now get a life.

Yes it's finally over.

Tommy and the other boarded the train and were soon on their way to Canterlot. Tommy fell asleep on the ride as the train went bla bla bla fillers about the train ride.

MEANWHILE AT THE LEGION OF DICKS.

Leaf flew into the dumpster where the DICKS were hiding. Suri put LEAF to her ear. She smiled and addressed her evil minions.

"Listen well fellow DICKS, the time has come for our revenge. Make haste to Canterlot"

The group was qucik to run leaving a dust cloud behind them. Suri watched them run for a few seconds before speaking again.

"Canterlot is the other way."

They changed their direction and headed out. But Leaf was feeling nervous. He was thinking about the risk of this mission. What would his wife and kids do if he were to not come back. But he knew he had to to this to protect them and others of his kind. Even his neighbor Roy, who borrowed his lawnmower but never returns it. Also he might be sleeping with his wife. That two timing skank. Are his kids really even his? After all Li'l Chloroplast did seem a bit brown like his neighbor. Not that there is a problem with brown leaves. Some of Leaf's best friends are brown leaves, but it is suspicious.

In Canterlot the train finally arrived at the station. The group walked around for a bit when someone decided they should get Tommy gifts before he leaves. They all went off and met up later. Tommy also got gifts for the Ponies. He got Twilight a roll a toilet paper, Apple Jack a gold club, Pinkie Pie a potato, Rarity a spoon, Rainbow Dash a water bottle, and Fluttershy got a packet of gum. They were confused at first but dismissed it as Tommy being Tommy. As for his gifts, Twilight got him a book about Equestrian history, Fluttershy got him a bunny plushie, Rainbow Dash gave him a hoofball, Pinkie Pie give him a cake, AJ got him a bottle of cider, and Rarity got him a black top hat. They talked for a while and headed to the castle.

At the castle they were greeted by two guards, both of them were facing the wrong way and the one on the left seemed to be eating crayons. They went past the guards and met up with Celestia.

Celestia smiled at them, "You have arrived, let us make haste and send you home."

"Thank you." Said Tommy.

"Yes, now let us get this shit fest over wi-"

She was interupted and there was a loud crash and shatter of glass. Suri and her DICKS got in threw a window. Celestia ordered the guards to grab them. When one of them charged, he tripped over his own incompetence. In doing so he ended up impailing himself on his own spear. The other guards tried but all failled miserably by falling out the window, bumping into each other or just running around in circles confused. Celestia looked at them and sighed.

"Well Twilight, it's up to you." She said.

"Celestia, can't you help?" Asked Twilight.

"Come on Twilight, by now you know that I won't do shit even if existence itself is threatened"

"Right."

"Well, use friendship and magic and friends are power and stuff...by." She flew off.

Suri stepped forward at smiled. She spoke in a voice of anger.

"Now! You will face the wrath of those you have wronged. For we are DICKS!"

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie started laughing. The other four mares face hoofed and Tommy looked around in confusion.

Rainbow struggled to stop laughinh,"DICKS. you called yourself DICKS!"

Tommy looked at the celling,"I don't get it."

Twilight stood in defence of her friends,"What do you want Suri!"

Suri smiled,"To cause the suffering you caused me and the others!"

"Others?"

"Yes others, Zesty Gourmand a food critic you ruined, Svengallop a manager who lost his career because of you, some douche bag from Manehatten who got cheated out of a deal."

Douche Bag interupted with,"I have a name ya know, it's-"

"Shut up Douche Bag" Suri continued,"And finally Leaf, who is tired of watching his kind be murdered for sport ever year."

Twilight looked at them and sighed,"Really, I mean really. We have deafeted fucking Gods and those with god like powers! And this is the shit they pull for the climax. Way to fucking go Dez Keiz, lovely fucking writting."

"Enough fourth wall breaks!" Shouted Suri, "Now you will know pain, DICKS attack!"

Tommy smiled, "Oh I get it, DICKS, hahaha is so funny."

The DICKS charged with Leaf in front. Leaf floated toward Twilight who shot him with a magic blast, Leaf fell to the ground bunring slowly and painfully. He screamed terrible screams as his outer layer burned. He thought of his family. He wished he could see them. He wanted the pain to end and he wanted to die. His world went black and he absorbed is final painful breath of Carbon Dioxide and fell into the void of darkness.

"Oh fuck!" Souted Douched Bag as he stopped in his tracks."

Zesty shouted,"Leaf!"

Svengallop screamed,"No!"

"Keep fighting!" ordered Suri.

"Fuck that, I'm not ending up like him!" Douche Bag yelled with fear.

"Douche Bag, if you don't get back in the fight I swear-" Suri was interupted.

"Screw you, I'm out!" He ran towards the window and prepared to jump out.

"Douche Bag, get back here now!"

"And I have a name by the way, it's-" He fell out the window before he could finish,"Fuuuuuuuck!"

"Son of a bitch, okay. Just keep fighting we don't need him anyways."

Zesty went to Tommy and looked him in the eye.

"By Celestia." she commented, "What shit hole did you crawl out of?"

Tommy replied,"Wow, you kinda suck."

"How dare you, ugh!" She trotted away in disgust.

Suri watched her trot away,"What the fuck!, what the actual fuck! Sven, you are still with me right?"

"Ya know it baby, in the fight an fabulous!" Sven bosted.

Apple Jack snuck up behind him and pulled some hair from his mane.

Svengallop screamed in horror,"My mane, by beautiful mane!" He ran away crying.

Rarity watched him and commented,"What a diva."

He jumped out the window and landed on Douched Bag. This caused him to state.

"Ohh, what a nice landing. I always did like being on top."

Suri now stood alone.

"Tommy," She said "Please, come back. I do love you.

Tommy looked into her eyes and said, "Go fuck yourself bitch."

She ran away crying as the others watched. Celestia came back on congradulated them on the victory. She lead them to a empty room.

"Tommy", she said."Are you ready to return home?"

Tommy smiled,"Yes, thank you. Thank you all. I have made many friends on this journey, and despite the hardships I would not trade this experience for anythi-"

"Yeah yeah, we don't have time and the writter doesn't want to write a speech, so go."

Celestia levitated a crystal to the center of the room and shot a beam of magic into it. A rift began to open up. The room began to shake.

Tommy shouted,"You are tearing a hole in the fabric of space and time Celestia!"

As the rift began to show Earth Tommy walked close. He turned back and smile at his friends. Just then Suri came out of no where and tackled Tommy. They both fell into the rift going through the pink and blue swirls.

Celestia and the other ponies watched as the rift closed.

Celestia let out a relieved sigh, "Well, glad that's over."

The ponies nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile in the mortal realm Tommy woke up to see a woman in a pink dress with purple highlights and a blue scarf. It was Suri. He slowly got up but was drawn back when she pulled out a gun that she somehow found and knows how to use.

"Suri..." Said Tommy.

Suri looked him dead in the eye,"If I can't have you no one can!"

"Suri..."

"What! are you gonna say you love me, that you want me back?"

"No."

"Then what? What is it Tommy!"

"Zamboni."

"What?"

"Zamboni."

"What the- you know what. Forget it. Goodbye Tommy."

Her finger inched toward the trigger but before she could pull it she was struck by a hard forced. A Zamboni hit her and it was being driven by Caitlyn Jenner. The Zamboni continued to drive as it ran her over. Caitlyb drove off into the sunset leaving behind a trail of blood.

Tommy looked at the flattened body and remarked, "Okay bye."

He walked to his house. He went his computer and sat down. He opened a word document and titled it, "The Room 2."

A year has passed and the Room 2 released to success. It gained 69,000,000 dollars it's opening week. The film spawned a spin of television show, an anime, a video game, a Broadway musical, a manga, a toy line, and a breakfast cereal. There were even talks of the Room 3 already being in production. Disney would eventually by the rights and Square Enix would make it a world in Kingdm Hearts 358/2.3.14 Destiny of the Coded Unchained Sleep of Memories Final Mix.

Back in Equestria it was discovered that Tommy's stupid gifts to the ponies when put together in a special placed form a giant mech of friendship. It came with friendship rockets, lasers, and machine guns. It also came with seat warmers and a shaved ice maker.

Funeral rights were held by Leaf's family. The funeral was interupted by a leaf blower. There were no survivors. This resluted in the leaves declaring war on Equestria to which they replied.

"Bitch please, we have a mech."

Zesty started reviewing fast food places and eventually died of a heart attack.

Svengallop finally came out of the closet and confessed his love for Douche Bag. They got married and Douche's Bag real name was still never revealed.

Spike still gets the short end of the stick.

And finally since this damn story has about the same amount of endings as Return of the King.

Twilight and he friends sat at a cafe eating lunch. Suddenly the ground began to shake. A pink and blue portal opened up in the sky.

Twilight looked up.

"Now what?" She asked in an annoyed voice.

The body of a pony fell from the sky and landed causing a crater. The Mares gathered around and looked at the new arrival. It was an Earth Pony, he was brown with a curly black mane and a twisted tail. He had a cutie mark, it was a rope, twisted into several knots. He looked around a the ponies, then down at his hooves. Then he spoke.

"What a twist."

Twilight face hoofed,"Well Shit, there goes Equestria."

The End