The Battle of the Idiots 420 360 No-Scope

by JTHailstorm

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Discord
Length: 2237

Twilight just wants to go home, but someone is making things a little difficult for her to do so.

In the land of Equestria, where the kingdom? Princessdom? Eh whatever, is ruled by princesses distinguished by their mighty horns and wings. Each princess minus Luna and Flurry Heart (because what baby has a castle), has a castle of their own.

After receiving a false call from the magic table, Twilight returned to discover her castle was taken by the god of chaos, Discord. Now, she must take back her castle so she can lock herself away with her books for a day, or maybe a week.

"WTF did I read?" - GRRM

"Maybe I should've stayed dead." - Jon Snow

"Didn't happen like that." - Ramsay Bolton

Published 2016-08-09 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-09 00:20:01 UTC

The Part Where No One Dies

Twilight and her friends approached the grinning god of chaos and his appointed goons taken from Ponyville then brainwashed to follow him. Discord grinned as he floated on a flying narwhal. The ponies around him carried banners with a crowned slice of toast. He laughed at the sight of Rarity carrying Twilight’s banner that was adorned by her cutie mark. They were met in the town square to parley with one another.

Discord dismounted the narwhal and then bowed to the Princess of Friendship. Twilight’s stoic expression showed her dissatisfaction. When Discord returned to an upright position he held his claw out toward Fluttershy.

“Thank you for returning my dear friend Fluttershy.” Discord said.

“She’s not going with you.” Twilight said.

“Such a shame, she would have had fun with Tinkles and Gary.” Discord said.

He snapped his claw and two corgis appeared behind him. Fluttershy’s face glowed with excitement as she almost left Twilight’s side to go after the adorable fluffy dogs. Before she made her move Rainbow Dash placed a hoof on her shoulder and shook her head. Discord snapped his fingers and the two adorable corgis disappeared.

“Discord, I want my castle back.” Twilight declared.

“Ah yes, your castle.” Discord replied. “I fear I can’t do that for you.”

“Why not?” Twilight asked.

“It’s mine now.” Discord said.

“Discord!” Twilight yelled.

“I will allow you to keep your title, give you access to the chaosverse, allow your friends to walk away free, and allow Fluttershy to reside with me along with Tinkles and Gary.” Discord proposed.

Twilight looked to her friends for an answer. Then she saw a young filly standing behind them menacingly staring Discord down. The small grey filly gave her a sense of dread as if this filly was the true leader of Equestria.

Returning to her friends they showed a mixed emotions about the entire situation. Rarity wanted out of this entire thing, Fluttershy wanted to play with the dogs, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were willing to fight, and Pinkie was too distracted by the mysterious filly to react to the situation. Twilight sighed as she turned to face Discord.

“What if I take you on right here, just us, one on one?” Twilight suggested.

“No.” Discord laughed.

Discord laughed himself back onto the flying narwhal. Then in a flash of speed and awesomeness, Rainbow Danger Dash, got in Discord’s face.

“Tomorrow you will be defeated.” Rainbow Dash said.

“Rainbow!” Twilight and the others, minus the mysterious filly and Pinkie, unanimously said.

“Tomorrow. Be there or be square.” Rainbow Dash said.

Discord smiled then booped the angry blue pegasus.

“Tomorrow, you will be mine. All mine.” Discord smirked.

With a snap of his claw, he and the rest of his party vanished, leaving behind a lone and confused tan unicorn with a purple mane.

“Get out of this story, Tex.” Applejack yelled.

“Fine, I’ll go practice the flugelhorn in the Crusader HQ.” Tex called out as he poofed away.

“That’s one less idiot to deal with.” Twilight said.

“Wait! I’m coming with you!” Pinkie called out.

The pink mare hopped away from the group. Applejack felt a breeze on her head and when she checked the top of her head, she discovered her hat was missing.

“Hey, where’s mah hat?” Applejack asked.

The mysterious filly approached Twilight and stared at her with icy cold grey eyes. Her brown mane was braided neatly.

“I gave you 62 of my best fighters, you better win. Or else,” the filly said.

“Who are you?” Twilight asked.

“I am-“ the filly said before Rainbow put a hoof over the filly’s mouth.

“It doesn’t matter, all that matters is that she is giving us fighters.” Rainbow Dash said.

“Okay? Thanks little girl.” Twilight said.

“Don’t fail me, Twilight Sparkle,” the filly said.

The mysterious filly left and the remaining ponies were left with more questions than answers.

“Ah’ll git diggin’.” Applejack said.

Applejack left to go dig the trenches to prevent the enemy from flanking them. Twilight turned around and headed back for the camp.

“Twilight, shouldn’t we talk about our attack plans?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Nope, we’ll abandon all plans as soon as the battle starts.” Twilight said.

“I was thinking we could call in the Wonderbolts.” Rainbow Dash said.

“We have you, we don’t need to pull the others away from their duties to fight for a princess who can’t even hold her own castle.” Twilight replied.

“Rainbow, darling, could you please carry this heavy thing for me?” Rarity asked.

“Do I look like Applejack?” Rainbow Dash asked.

In order to stop the bickering of her friends Twilight used her magic to poof the banner back to camp. It was 24 hours since her castle was captured and she was already regretting answering that false call from the magic table. 12 hours of listening to the constant whining of her friends as they made their way to the middle of nowhere only to discover a note with a joke on it, then 12 more hours on the way back from the middle of nowhere listening to the complaining that they knew all along it was a false call. Twilight was ready to be done with this entire thing, but because she was a princess bound by certain rules, she could not launch a surprise attack. The only things she wanted was to go to sleep in her own bed, she wanted to hear the complaining of Spike instead of her friends, and she wanted some alone time…with her books. To get what she wanted, she had to first reclaim her castle, then she could destroy that stupid magic table, and then everything could go back to normal.

The next day Twilight stood with her army of ragtag ruffians she convinced to join her, her friends and some ponies they gathered, and the 62 fighters from the mysterious filly. All together they had an army of 89 ponies. It wasn’t the biggest army but Twilight was convinced that Discord wouldn’t have that many ponies in his army. However, her expression changed once she saw a massive army appearing on the horizon.

Twilight nervously glanced at each of her friends that bothered to show up. Rainbow Dash was unimpressed by the show of force by Discord. Then she looked at Applejack, who was drinking something out of a flask. Rarity was on a chariot pulled by love-struck stallions and she appeared as though she was not going to head into battle. Fluttershy hid behind Rainbow. If Twilight wasn’t afraid before, she was now standing in a puddle of urine that was not her own, but rather it came from the stallion beside her who was entrusted to carry her colors.

Quickly stepping out of the puddle she stepped forward as if she was going to address her outnumbered force. Unfortunately she was interrupted by Discord’s amplified voice.

“You showed up, pity.” Discord said.

“Let’s get this over with.” Twilight yelled.

“Patience, my dear friend. I’m certain that you would want your little slave back.” Discord said.

Discord stepped forward and Spike was brought out from the crowd, bound with rope. The god of chaos raised a knife up to Spike’s throat and everyone gasped. He then cut the restraints and Spike looked back at Discord confused.

“I’m not a monster.” Discord said.

“Yes you are,” a pony called out from the ranks.

“Who said that?” Discord asked.

“It was Periwinkle Torchwagon,” another pony called out.

“One million years dungeon, now take them away.” Discord said.

Twilight was getting tired of the pointless chatting.

“DISCORD!” Twilight yelled.

“Oh right.” Discord replied.

Discord placed a claw on Spike’s shoulder and grinned a hellish grin.

“Go to her.” Discord said.

Spike looked back at Discord with fear in his eyes. Discord simply smiled then nodded for him to start running. As he started running Discord started whistling a tune known as the Rains of Castamare. When Spike got a quarter of the way to Twilight, the princess ran to her number one assistant.

As Twilight ran she only wanted to make it to Spike and bring him to safety but she felt as though it wasn’t going to end that way.

“Serpentine, Spike!” Twilight yelled.

“What?” Spike replied.

Discord created an arrow of magic and shot it at Spike, who ran directly for Twilight in a straight line. The arrow landed yards behind the frightened baby dragon. Spike picked up speed as if he hoped that he could make it to Twilight.

“SERPENTINE!” Twilight yelled.

Once again Discord shot a few more magical arrows toward the baby dragon. Two arrows landed behind him, while one landed in front of him. The stakes were rising as Spike got within reach of Twilight. Right before Spike reached Twilight, he was turned to stone.

Twilight’s eyes filled with tears and rage. She screamed out in a rage. Discord then gave the order for his army to charge. The enraged princess charged toward the approaching adversaries.

Rainbow Dash charged ahead with the vanguard of soldiers she commanded. The battle ensued with a loud crash of immediate chaos following the clash of soldiers.

Back to the trenches Applejack sighed as she watched the fighting from the back with the archers. Rarity was being fed grapes by her loyal stallions. Fluttershy was turned around and covering her eyes and ears, trying to hide herself from the battle she wanted no part in.

“Well Ah dug them trenches fer nuthin’.” Applejack said.

Applejack joined the battle.

For what seemed like an eternity, Twilight was able to make it out of the pile of neutralized ponies that piled on top of her after her forces got surrounded. Nearly suffocated by her own forces, she looked to the north where a thunderous clamor arose. Momentarily there was a break in the fighting to look at the arrival of several ponies riding on flying narwhals clad in armor. At the front of the pack was Tex and Pinkie. In a moment Discords forces were neutralized, but Discord had already retreated to the castle.

When Twilight and the remainder of her 89, now 69, arrived at the castle they discovered that Discord had locked himself inside.

“How are we going to get inside?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Leave that to me.” Tex said.

The young Texicorn approached the main door then turned around. With a mighty buck of his hindlegs he put a hole in the door. He did that a few times before arrows started flying through the holes he had created. Only localized areas where he was hit was turning to stone. After the last part of the door was broken down he charged into the castle where he was finally turned to stone by Discord.

Twilight and her army ran in to find the last Texicorn turned to stone. Discord laughed maliciously as Twilight found the smiling god on a throne made of swords. The young alicorn approached Discord cautiously.

“Twilight, it’s nice to see you.” Discord sneered.

“Get out of my castle.” Twilight growled.

“Your castle?” Discord asked.

With a snap of his claw a sign appeared that said: This castle belongs to Princess Twilight Sparkle DISCORD.

“See.” Discord said.

“Discord.” Twilight snapped.

“I will allow you to keep your title and everyone here will be pardoned for their crimes.” Discord said.

“Out of my castle.” Twilight growled.

Discord stood up from the throne and walked over to Twilight. He booped her muzzle and smiled.

“You can’t accept the fact that I won.” Discord said.

“Actually we won, your army is defeated.” Rainbow Dash called out.

“Whatever, I took out your savior.” Discord said.

Then a blast of magic hit Discord from behind and turned him to stone. Everyone looked around the statue Discord to find Starlight Glimmer smiling.

“You forgot me, again.” Starlight Glimmer said.

“I didn’t. The map did…or rather Discord did.” Twilight said.

An apparition of Tex appeared beside Twilight.

“I’m Ghost Tex.” Tex said.

“Well actually…actually you’re right.” Twilight said.

“So does that mean Spike is?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Nope, he’s from this world so it has a totally different reaction to being turned to stone.” Twilight explained.

“Ooooh I’m here to haunt you.” Tex said.

“Next episode, Ghost Busters starring us!” Pinkie cheered.

“What?” Twilight asked.

Pinkie pulled down a black screen and credits started to roll.

Author's Note

This was brought to you by the makers of the painkillers I was on last week.
After being properly numbed by the pills, I had use of my arm. So I came up with this crazy story that stemmed from a conversation with my dear friend, One True Thrond
Basically after bothering him about coconuts and green jello, I started to act on my crazy idea. Cause why not?

Pairing up Game of Thrones, painkillers, green jello, coconuts, and a shot of fry sauce, I embarked on this crazy journey that made absolutely no sense. It took a while to get it to make sense, and with me being coherent for at least a day, I made it make sense.

I always had this question on what if someone took over Twilight's castle, ever since she got the thing. It wasn't until I was watching GoT's Battle of the Bastards that I finally pieced together what would be another story written in madness.