A Monty Discord

by Bojack H

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Discord, Human
Length: 1508

Discord is back, and the world is chaos, well except for one normal average immortal human who frankly finds this all a bit boring.

Discord, eternal lord of chaos, bringer of the random day, bearer of pranks assorted, inventor of the self-mutilating bread loaf.

Everyone in all creation is terrified of him every time he returns. there's just one problem, his name is Dave, he just doesn't get it! In a supreme act of spite, Discord even made him immortal and he still doesn't get it!

Anyways, Discord's back and Dave just happens to live in Ponyville now.

Published 2016-08-09 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-09 19:00:01 UTC

The First Last and Only Chapter.

Dave thought something was off.

Normally his alarm clock should ring, instead it decided to launch a coordinated invasion of the wardrobe with air support being provided by the ceiling fan.

Getting out of bed, he managed to extract his bathrobe from the catastrophe.

Pausing in front of the window, he checked the weather schedule. "slightly cloudy with a late afternoon rain." He read. Looking out the window, the sky had turned purple and pink with a checkerboard pattern. "Its gonna be one of those days isn't it?" he asked himself.

Walking into his kitchen he saw his toaster finishing off the remains of his tea kettle.

Sighing Dave opened the pantry to find the sugar has run off with the marmalade and the cooking brandy had been replaced with scotch and all the scotch had been replaced with tape.

Removing a box of cereal from its prison camp (imposed by the quaking oats), he poured himself a bowl, which was a single shoe, and grabbed a spoon from another drawer as the rest of the utensils bolt for it. Not even bothering to deal with the ice-skating milk carton in the fridge, he proceeded out to his patio where he quietly munched on his dry cereal. Dave looked at the date on the paper. "Crap has it been two-thousand years already?" he mused. Immortality hadn't been bad, not great, but not bad. Celestia hadn't been bad company for the first thousand years or so until she decided to lock him in stone for a few hundred years and forget about him in her statue garden. She even later regretted locking him in stone for a few hundred years and forgetting about him in her statue garden. She sent him a fruit basket every year to mark the occasion.

Stepping inside pushing through his now revolving door he opened one of the dog doors to let the ottoman out.

Going to the closet he checked to make sure his umbrella and cleats were where he left them when he moved in. Calmly dispatching his now rampaging ficus without a fuss he also grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt from the closet as well since the war of the wardrobe still raged on, with the bathroom towels joining forces with the linen closet to liberate the armoire.

Donning the cleats and grabbing the umbrella, he made his way back to the front porch where he could see half the town on fire, half frozen over with snow, and half dripping with chocolate.

Opening his umbrella against the searing chocolate downpour he took a calm stroll through the town, occasionally pausing to get his footing as the road changes materials no less than three times.

Half way there he encountered Mayor Mare. Her normally greying mane (which he knew for a fact was dyed) had turned into a replica of Celestia's flowing mane, but without the billowing wind.

"DAVE THANK CELESTIA YOU'RE HERE!" She shouted over the stampede of platypuses. "SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING!" She gestured around frantically, her extended mane flopping getting caught under her hooves sending her tumbling on the soapy road.

"Ya its one of those days isn't it?" He replied, helping the mare up.

"Half the town is on fire, half the town is made of chocolate, and half the town turned to cardboard, what are we going to do! There's this villain in the center of town causing all this. We have to stop him, or at least buy time until twilight and her friends can stop him!" She said, frantically dodging a barrage of carrots that had turned into ballistic missiles.

"Na." he said making Mayor mare tripped on the soap again.

"Did you just say?"

"Is anyone seriously hurt?" He asked.

"But!"

"Has anyone been trapped in the collapsing houses?"

"Well no but-"

"Has he done anything truly evil yet like try to hurt or maim ponies?" He said, shaking some of the liquid chocolate off his umbrella.

"I...but ......what!" she stammered before tripping on her mane again.

"Like i said, its one of those days." He said, leaving the mare to her mane. "I'll go talk to him, but I doubt he'll listen."

Reaching the center of town, he noticed a large throne had been placed there, on it laughing manicly the figure that he had caused all the commotion.

"HAHAHA.......oh its you" Discord said with disgust as the human tapped him on the shoulder. "Of all the creatures in Equestria, why did you have to show up to ruin my fun." He snapped his claws making a glass of normal milk appear. "See, Just being near you is boring. You exude boringness." Discord snapped his fingers again and in a puff, our human was now wearing mid colonial garb complete with flowing powdered wig."See, even when i try to do chaos on you it ends up boring"

"Its not my fault i'm from a land where chaos is boring." Dave quipped. "Besides, you're the one who decided to keep me around for all these centuries until you could and i quote 'figure out how to terrify you finally.', you just don't have anything original that i'm afraid of."

Strangely amid the chaos, there was a pregnant pause.

"So are you going to try to stop me at least?" Discord said with a hint of a challenge.

"Na, you're like the third biggest disaster this year, I'm gonna just sit this one out." Dave said, with a wave.

"HEY DISCORD!" a voice shouted. Turning their heads, the two saw the mane six gathered with the elements.

"Oh poo looks like you've distracted me with your boringness." Discord said, "Go on, get out of here before something interesting happens!" He said, snapping his fingers, creating a stampede of fuzzy rabbits that pooled around Dave's feet.

"So wanna meet up for tea after you're done having a temper tantrum then?" Dave said, shaking chocolate milk out of his powdered wig and dusting off some of the rabbits that were climbing up his shirt.

"OOOH alright!" Discord said with a huff before turning to face the mane six. "Just don't forget to make those lovely scones, they're simply marvelous."
Dave chuckled. "I'll try but I think the war of my bedroom furniture might have spilled into the pantry by now. If only someone i knew could settle them down so I can reach the oven." he said jokingly.
"Ugh fine, i'll make sure to set your kitchen right." Discord said with a snap. "There its all fine now, your linen closet tipped the scales anyways."

"DISCORD, Don't you ignore us!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

"Well i guess that's my cue to exit." Dave said with another chuckle turning back towards his house.

It wasn't more than twenty minutes later, laboring over a hot oven full of scones, that he saw a massive rainbow explosion in the distance. Seconds later, the shockwave passed his house, returning everything that wasn't used for sconemaking back to normal.

"What a bunch of ungrateful prancing ponies they have these days." A familiar voice said from the table behind him. "Pff, this tea is terrible! whats wrong with whoever blended this!" Discord said, spitting the tea all over the floor.

"Its from Princess Sunbutt herself you know. Its really awful, but she sends me a crate of it every year; she still feels guilty for leaving me in the statue garden for a couple centuries."

At the mention, there was a knock on the door followed by the door being blown off its hinges. "LUNA, what have I told you about modern doors?" Celestia scolded her sister.

Dave sighed, he had been expecting the two princesses would show up at some point,probably realizing that Discord had teleported away leaving a plaster sculpture in his place if he knew the old lord of chaos well enough.

"We are sorry sister, but human Dave might have been in dire trouble!" The dark alicorn said, stepping through the doorway into Dave's parlor. "We compliment you though, your house is tall enough for even an alicorn without feeling cramped."

"No Luna its tea time, even Discord knows not to mess with this sacred hour." He said donning an oven mitt to remove the scones from the oven before they burn. "Now then if you and your sister would sit down, maybe we can come up with a solution that doesn't involve one or more of us ending up in stone for a few centuries or banished to some celestial object. Anyways i made scones."

"OOH MINE" Luna pounced on the still searing hot tray. Eventually the two alicorns, one Draquonis and immortal human would come to a convoluted plan to reintroduce a 'reformed' Discord to the world, petrification was just becoming so unoriginal anyways.

Author's Note

Just a short I wrote in response to a thread post, then decided to flesh it out a bit. Coming up with absurd things was easier than i thought.