Starlight Gets Freaked Out By Spike And Twilight's Conversion

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random
Length: 1441

The synopsis is in the title. Starlight Gets Freaked Out By Spike And Twilight's Conversion. Added info: A parody of religious conversion stories.Credit to:Hopeful_Ink_Hoof for the shortened version.

The synopsis is in the title. Starlight Gets Freaked Out By Spike And Twilight's Conversion. Added info: A parody of religious conversion stories.Credit to:Hopeful_Ink_Hoof for the shortened version.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-09 18:00:01 UTC

WTF?

It had been the morning after Starlight had helped save the entire Crystal Empire from the threat of a Master Wizard baby, and she was heading downstairs to breakfast. Though, by the time she had found the dining hall, it was already nearly noon. Darn you Twilight, why did you never give me a map to this place. If I walk in on Spike doing funny things in front of a picture of Rarity again, I swear ...

Upon entering the eating area though, her attention rapidly switched to something else. Her new teacher Twilight, and the alicorn's much put-upon assistant Spike, were not alphabetizing books or scoffing jewels as they usually would be.

Instead, they both wore creepy-looking smiles on their faces, as if somepony had sellotaped their lips to their cheeks. Most unnerving of all, their vacant eyes followed Starlight as she crossed the room, as the slightly freaked-out unicorn took her seat. Tentatively, she decided to ask them what the hay was going on.

"E-er, are you two alright? You seem a little... out of it today." Starlight waited for an answer, but her patience was in vain. The same glazed-over expressions from the other residents of the castle, the same cheesy grins without a flicker of emotion.

Deciding she was really going to lose her mind if this unsettling atmosphere continued, Starlight tried again. " Uh, Twilight... why aren't you reading? Usually, at this time in the morning, you've got your nose so deep in a book I almost have to throw it a life raft!"

"Only need one book now. Threw away all of my others. Praise Be To Him."

The reply from the alicorn was as quick as it was dull, spoken in a sluggish monotone totally bereft of her usual spark and cheer. Starlight was absolutely shocked at the change in her friend, who had apparently gone from a spunky princess to a characterless zombie overnight.

Thinking maybe she could get some more sense from Spike, she addressed the small dragon. "Well, at least less books around means less dusting for you! Now you can spend more time reading your comics in peace. Aren't you looking forward to that?"

"Chucked those out too. Don't need them anymore. Only one true pony. Glory be to Him."

Her slim hopes that whatever strange madness that had befallen her teacher skipping Spike being completely dashed, Starlight decided to address the elephant in the room. "Okay, you got me. Why are you two acting so odd? It's totally wigging me out. Could you please explain, before I lose my mind altogether?"

"There's nothing wrong with us..." Twilight beamed.

"We've just found inner peace." Spike nodded.

"You see, last night I found this book..." Twilight confirmed.

"We read it together." Spike followed up.

"Suddenly everything became clear..." Twilight gushed.

"Things like gems and fictional superheroes seem so unimportant now..." Spike sighed.

"Now, we follow the Gospel... no more Friendship lessons for us..." Twilight explained.

"Just good old-fashioned, linear scripture." Spike finished things off.

Starlight alternatively looked at both of her newly lobotomized friends in horror at what they had become. It's like they've both become separate heads of the same clueless hydra.

"This book sounds evil!" She warned, her horn glowing in anticipation. "We must destroy it, before it infects anypony else!"

"Oh no, that would be sacriligeous..." Twilight stated.

"We'd go straight to Hel... I mean, Tartarus for that kind of blasphemy!" Spike promised.

"Besides, it's already too late..." Twilight guaranteed.

"We've already informed the others, and they were most cooperative..." Spike swore.

"They're all here now... why don't you talk to them..." Twilight indicated.

"Afterwards, you can join us too, and we can all love Him together!" Spike had the last word yet again, as his claw pointed to the space just behind Starlight.

Frightened now beyond all measure, and experiencing a distinct case of deja vu, the unicorn spun about to be greeted by a most troubling sight. The other five ponies she'd befriended of late were standing there, in single file, but something appeared to be missing. Namely, every semblance of individuality.

Applejack had no homeliness. Pinkie Pie had no fun. Rainbow Dash had no swagger. Fluttershy had no timidity. Rarity had no je ne sais quoi. All of them, giving off that same nebulous grin, their eyeballs unmoving as if the pupils were painted on.

Starlight, with all of her natural power, was not a pony who could be ruffled easily, but even she was beginning to feel intimidated at this juncture. Slowly backing away from the seven ghoulish heads around her, she issued a challenge to whatever invisible threat could be causing this eerie situation, though she found it hard to keep her fear out of the words.

" W-who's turned my new friends into pale imitations of their former selves?! C-come out, wherever you are. D-Discord, is that you? T-this joke isn't funny, stop it now! C-Chrysalis? S-Sombra? Whatever you have planned, me and the other Princesses will stop you..."

"Oh Starlight, you silly..." Pinkie chuckled.

"It's none of those beings, in fact in this universe..." Fluttershy clarified.

"We've 'converted' them too, and the Princesses...." Rainbow Dash confirmed.

"The one really responsible for our new, wonderful outlook on life..." Rarity remarked.

"Is the all-powerful, cannot-be-questioned, utterly unstoppable, Mr Writer!" Applejack concluded the single thought, which somehow needed five ponies to express. They, with Twilight and Spike in tow, now began to descend upon Starlight, a small army of zealots intent on disciplining the unbeliever.

Unable now to hide the tremor in her voice, Starlight reversed her footing further, until her back was pressed firmly against the wall. "M-Mr W-Writer? W-What k-kind o-of n-name f-for a-a -supervillain i-is t-that?"

"He stifles creativity..." Pinkie started up again.

"Completely ignores canon..."Fluttershy continued the statement.

"Strips characters of personality traits established over years..." Rainbow Dash said bluntly.

"Molds everything to suit their own blatant agenda..." Rarity told it as it was.

"Doesn't care about storytelling, as long as the 'message' gets out..." Applejack added to the list.

"This 'message', cunningly disguised as a fun tale, is delivered as subtly as a sledgehammer..." Spike made a bashing gesture with his claws.

"And it's all about one pony, who died for Our Sins, who we must mindlessly honour, whether we like it or not..." Twilight spoke last, as her and the others began to close in on a now huddled up, furiously rocking Starlight.

"W-who i-is t-this p-pony?" Ms Glimmer had to know the name of her deadly nemesis, who seemed to be an even bigger threat to individuality than she was, during her Cutie Mark stealing days.

" WHY, GEE-GEE-SUS OF COURSE! OH, PRAISE BE TO HIM!!" Each of Starlight's aggressors seemed to take their mind off her for an instant, as if some kind of weird evangelical hysteria swept over them. As one, they raised their hooves to the sky and mouthed silent words, as if they expected a magic stallion in the clouds would come and solve all their worldly problems, no matter how minor.

Starlight blinked in confusion for a moment, before recognizing the opportunity. This is my chance. She swiftly leaped over the sheep-like masses, before running upstairs, grabbing what meagre possessions she'd bought to the Crystal Castle with her, and swiftly galloping towards the exit.

By now, the other mares and dragon had finished their unheeded invocations, and were eager to consume Starlight into their prosaic flock.

Quickly erecting a powerful barrier to give herself enough time for a clean getaway, the escaping unicorn  heard a single wail spoken by many voices as she fled. "Where are you going?"

"Away from you ponies." She briefly turned to answer during her egress. "I know a cult when I see one, and those days are over for me. Good luck, anyway."

As Starlight faded into the distance, so did her magical shield, but the unicorn was long gone by this point. The remaining devotees looked at each other in perplexity. "What do we do now?" they pondered.

The answer came with a crash through the roof, as a cross-eyed pegasus broke through to land on the floor. "Oh dear..." she lamented, dusting herself down. "Sorry about that, Twilight. I may only earn a simple mailmare's salary, but I'll pay for any damages..."

A universal grin spread through the assembled group again, as Twilight looked happily at each of her fellow followers, before she turned to the new arrival.

"That's alright Derpy, don't worry about the cost. Listen... sit down for a minute. There's somepony very special we want to talk to you about..."