Hidden Thoughts

Hello, there. My name is Cerulean Spin and for a while now, I have been having a crush on someone. However, having a crush on someone isn't something new for me. Some may call me a mareizer but I just can't help it. I see attractive mares and I just get attracted to them. This is something called lust. I think about it sometimes, and it's pretty god damn horrible. But this time was unlike the rest. This time, she actually likes me too. Her name is Rainbow Dash, a colleague at work.

I never actually did tell her that I liked her though. A few friends of mine ratted out on me. Traitors. But imagine their faces when Rainbow texted me about how she liked me too. At first, I thought she was only trying to not break my heart, but another text message deconfirms that. Now, with that said, I'm still not sure about that. I mean, she still could be saying to not break my heart, right?

Well, regardless, I asked her out on a date. In the text messages, of course. She said yes, and I jumped around my house for a bit. Originally, we intended to go somewhere together with her friends, but she decided against it because she was afraid of being teased by them. And I have no objections to that. Eventually, we did have a date... at a fast food restaurant. Yeah, probably not the best choice, but it was the best idea we had. Then, we ordered our food. But turns out, a few of her friends just happened to be there. Even if we sat relatively far away from them, we could tell they were talking about us. We ignored them to the best of abilities. Then, we talked quite a bit while eating, of course, they was a lot of awkward silence but when we weren't being quiet, we talked about why we liked each other, when we started liking each other and some other things. Though, I had to lied a bit for somethings. Kinda feel bad about that. But eventually, we finished our food. Rainbow suggested that she left first while I sat there for a bit more so that more friends of hers wouldn't see us together. To some extent, I disliked the idea but I just went with it.

Cut to the next day. Now, you would think that I would be able to talk to her in public without any fear or whatever but nope. When I tried to talk to her, my tougue just get stolen by a cat. Like, it's not like I'm scared of talking to her, it's more like I'm scared what others might think of us. Normally, I wouldn't care, seeing as how I openly admit I'm a huge fan of a little filly's show but I just can't do it. So, I do the thing I shouldn't do: I avoid her. Yeah, not a good decision at all but she doesn't seem to mind. In fact, I think she is doing that to me too.

But that's all in real life. In the wonderful world of private texting however, I'm just fine. I don't get scared of anything. Alright, maybe I hesitate to sent certain messages like wondering what her sexuality was but that's about it. Oh, yeah, I asked her what her sexuality was. She was surprisingly cool with it. She didn’t know what bi and most other sexuality was, only straight and gay. She said she doesn't know, so I took it as bi. And we continued to just text for a month. Then our next date came.

This one was less awkward than the last, but still at the same fast food restaurant. I got her a keychain of the Wonderbolts and she seemed happy enough. She also lent me a few of the books of Daring Do, something I was getting into. Here, we was able to talk more but still that awkward slience seemed unavoidable. After we waste a lot food (we couldn't finish it), we went to a nearby shopping mall. We actually wanted to watch a movie, but a movie wasn't set to play until a hour later. We decided to kill some time by walking around and just do some window shopping. However, that proved ineffective and killed little to no time. After that, we went home. Well, actually she went home because I had to do something else, but really, that didn't matter.

So, now, we cut to present day. The two of us haven't talk much in real life. I mean, sure, work has paired us up along with several other ponies but that's about it. In text messages, however, we talked a lot. We talk from how the Daring Do TV show wasn't accurate to the books, how hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is an actual word and other things.

But I can tell that this relationship will not last. I'm just not quite ready to have a relationship. I mean sure, I care about her, but it's more as a friend and less as coltfriend. I just think the crush several months ago has died down and I'm just savaging the remains of it. Sometimes, I just want to text her about I how feel now and that I want to break up but I'm afraid that I'll hurt her feelings. I don't know if she feels the same way I do, but I'm not willing to risk her feelings. I really want this relationship to work, but I know it won't. I really don't know what to do. My shyness forbid me from talking to her in real life, and I've talked to her about it in text messages. She says she is used to it, even if it doesn't seem like so.

Should I tell her how I really feel now, or should I just leave this damaged ship sailing? Only time will tell...