A Bit Of A Broken Spike

by Philosophysics

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Dark, Comedy, Romance
Length: 2023

Sarcasm. Alcohol. Love. These are Spike's new values in life. Not in that order, but they're pretty important. He's going to need it for his married life

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-10 18:00:28 UTC

Chapter One: Marriage Proposals That I Don't Know About

Sometimes I really hate being a midget dragon. Sure, I’m taller than the average pony at about seven feet and I get respect but not fear from ponies which makes shopping for stuff really easy.. I don’t have to have custom made doors just to get into a diner and it sure is a hell of a lot cheaper to order a meal. And it’s just beautiful when Pinkie makes a cake for former Dragon Lord Torch.

Former Dragon Lord Torch is the size of about Canterlot. The whole thing. Not just the castle bit. Whole thing. Logically that means cakes have to be bigass for him. Slice of cake proportion. A slice of cake must at least be at least consumable in five bites for the average partygoer, consumable in one bite for a high class partygoer, and capable of housing a stripper at a party with alcohol.

Pinkie Pie’s stripper capes are awesome. The cake isn’t a stripper. It’s pre sliced and each slice has a stripper. Everybody gets a stripper! Stripper heaven!

So you get the idea. Pink Mom’s cakes are AWESOME! Especially when you’re small enough to sit in a slice of cake the sie of a house.

Sorry. Bit ADHD. But yeah. Sometimes I really hate being a midget dragon. Why?

“You’re marrying my daughter.”

“What?” I’d like to see you try not shitting on the cake that you’re eating from the inside out when a dragon that’s big enough to crush your hometown gives you that nugget of information.

See? This is why I hate being a midget. When big things get angry, they step on you. And when you’re small and their foot is the size of a small ballroom, you better be a fast runner just to get out of the impact zone, forget avoiding the dust clouds that would suffocate you. So that means when weird events are generated by big things, you can’t be a smartass about it.

When in doubt, refer to the word What.

“I said”, Torch chewed slowly, savoring the Yellowcake Yellow Cake(1), now with that savory uranium aftertaste,”You are marrying my daughter.”

“Dragon Lord Ember?” I squeaked. Most males would deny that. Me? I’m smart enough to not BS myself that I didn’t squeak. I fucking squeaked.

“Yes.”

It’s been a couple decades since Torch retired. Technically, I should’ve been the next Dragon Lord, but I graciously passed the mantle to Torch’s daughter, Ember. Who grew wings and went through puberty a lot earlier than I did.  Me? Still waiting on the wings. Sorry. Distracted.

Torch didn’t want his baby girl to become Dragon Lord, but she snuck into this dangerous race, WHICH I still don’t understand how it’s a good way to decide a leader, but fuck it, their problem. I’m just here on a diplomatic mission AKA deliver birthday cake. Anyways, I’m the whole reason Ember, excuse me, Dragon Lord Ember is even Dragon Lord.

And I say that without a hint of jealousy. Fuck being a leader. I’ve seen the paperwork Sun-Mom got.(2) And that was with an established bureaucracy. These dragons? They’re worse than the Vikings. They at least had a system. These guys just have rocks and lava! What the hell do you do with those! I mean they haven’t even tried architecture!

But yeah. He didn’t want his daughter to be Dragon Lord. He didn’t want me to be Dragon Lord. I got the scepter, saw the possibility of getting more work when SparkleMom already gave me insomnia with the amount of work she generated, said nope, and pawned, excuse me, graciously passed on the job to his baby girl whom he explicitly banned from doing that.

So I could not see why I was getting hitched with Ember. Sure we were friends. But we were the kind of friends who met at a marathon and helped one another when we got injuries. Except in this one a monarchy was at stake, but come on. Not that different. We kept in touch via dragonfire.

I can honestly say I was happy to see that most of the letters were bitching about how the dragons were stupid and didn’t wait in line and all that stupid shit that comes from having no bureaucracy whatsoever. Sun-Mom had a system and she still got angry. Why do you think she has so much cake? Moon-Mom was being stupid a thousand years back if you ask me wanting more power.

With great power comes enough paperwork to the point that papercuts become lethal.

“You have been silent.”, Torch leaned down and glimpsed into the hole where I was quivering in fear, but trying to pass it off as shivering in cold. Which was stupid seeing as the Dragon Lands were volcanic. Stupid thought trains. Torch continued ignoring my mutterings. “Are you unpleased with my daughter?”

“Oh no!”, I happen to like my purple arse unroasted, so suck up please,”It’s just that I feel I would do her a dishonor if I were to marry her!”

Not to mention the shit my moms would throw up. Except maybe Former-Crush-Mom. She might try to get gems. Damn awkward crushes. Stupid super midget past me. You’re making stuff hard for present midget-me.

“Are you sucking up?”

“Nope! Wouldn’t dream of it!” Can’t dream of it. Since I’m doing it right now.

He leaned down and stared me in the eye. I really wish I didn’t eat a hole out of my slice of cake, but binge eating calms me. I wave and grin. If I’m going to die, I’m going to die enjoying myself. Screw everything except my moms. Except for Rainbow Mom. And Pink Mom. Oh gods above, he’s STARING INTO MY SOUL!

After a long stare where I ate through the rest of my cake but still politely looking at him straight in the eye., he suddenly threw his head back and laughed. Which was good since he was in a good mood. Big things in good moods mean less rampages which means less chance of being squashed. Which is good.

“I knew I chose right when I talked to Celestia all those years ago.”

Sun-Mom? What does Sun-Mom have anything to do with this?

“Son”, So many things I could say if I was suicidal,”Look around. Tell me what you see.”

I do a full spin to humor him.

“I see cake.”

This is what I love about being a midget. When I have to oversee a delivery of cake to Torch, I usually sit for a slice. And they’re big enough to sit in. For me at least. I did say that there were times when I hate being a midget. Therefore, most of the time I love being a midget dragon.

“Step outside the cake.”

“I see rocks. Lavas. Dragons. Why am I doing this?”

“That’s all we have.”

“... And?”

“Dragons are…”, he chews thoughtfully. Then when he swallowed, took another bite. To be fair, Pinkie Pie’s cakes are good. After waiting a couple more bites, he finally finished his slice of cake and continued on.

“Dragons are stupid.”

“Excuse me?”

“So you’re getting married to my daughter.”

“What?”, I stomp the ground in frustration at the illogic. There is no correlation between me marrying his daughter and dragons being stupid.” How does marriage have anything to do with this!?”

“The marriage is tonight. Your ponies have already set up the ceremony. Now all you have to do is put on the suit and you’ll be ready! Now treat my daughter well.”

WHAT!? Nope. Not going to do it. Nuh uh. This is too crazy. Maybe if I actually knew and went on dates with her, but my entire experience with her was her saving my life, helping me, and me pawning off a dictatorship to her.

And not to sound cynical, but I’ve been in so many life and death situations where random people, loved ones, pretty much everyone(3) has saved me at one time.

So there was only one thing to do. Run the heck out of there.

Or that would be the plan if it weren’t for the fact that a tea table for Torch is an airfield for twenty privately owned biplanes. With five feet in between each wingtip.

Totally forgot about that. Thankfully Torch caught me.

“Now I know you’re scared about the big night, but I’m sure you’ll do fine.”, he laughed,”Tell me. How are ponies in bed? Are they any good?”

My life is so fucked up right now.(4) So I decide to fuck it up farther. “They’re amazing. But I don’t think there are any your size.”

“Pity”, he sighed. And damn, he really did look disappointed.”Perhaps magic can do something about that?”

“Sure”, Lord knows Magic Mom would be happy to have a willing experimental dragon.”Twilight should be able to do something about it if you’re willing to work with her.”

“Perhaps I will.”

Oh god. A dragon besides me is willing to sit and work with what is THE most neurotic pony since Clover the Clever?(5)

“Seriously?”

“Yes! We shall talk after the wedding.” He spreads his wings as we reached the mouth of his cave and flapped. “Don’t worry! Ember’s already getting fitted for her dress. She’s very excited! Yelling all about fire and knives and baking cakes! You could tell she was excited for the festivities afterwards! Funny though. The cake would be baked already.”

Oh god. I’m going to die. Ember is going to kill me. And then she’s going to kill Torch. And then she’s going to try and conquer Equestria. Except she’s going to get… Stoned? Mooned? Blasted?

What the hell would the magic of friendship do to her when my mom’s got through with her? Would I be missed? WHY!? Why me? Why the midget dragon?(5)

“This is going to be a wedding to remember!” I laughed hysterically.

“Indeed it shall! My Son In Law! Your pony’s laws are strange. Normally we’d just lock the Dragon Lord and their spouse in a cave fro three days with food and a weird smelling plant that we burned. I think it was called Echinlada? All I know was that it was super pink!”

“Do you mean Echinacea?”

“Yup! That’s the one! You know that’s what they did to me when I found my wife?”

Oh. Well at least I’m not locked in a cave with asphrodasiacs for food.

Still though. Why?

(1)Since dragons enjoy eating rare minerals, Pinkie decided to find one. She had to wear a hazmat suit when handling the uranium for the cake. Not that she needed it. Magic is a type of radiation and cancer hasn’t been a problem since… Ever. I mean any unicorn worth their salt knows the standard Heal-All spell.

(2)It has come to my attention that I have a shit ton of mother figures. So even though I call them by their real names, in my third heart of seven located in my body, I made up nicknames.

(3) Yeah. I use everyone, everybody. It’s all encompassing. And before you get on ponies for doing that whole everypony thing. I know the griffons do the whole everybirdie, mermaids do the everyfishie, and all that shite. So buck all y’alls, to quote Apple-Mom, I’mma understanding lizard.

(4) Yup. Especially when you bang your mother figures. Gods above, I’m so fucked up.

(5) Long Story about how I met her, but you know the tree we lived in? Yeah. Clover the Clever planted that tree and made it a part of her. Don’t worry. She’s still alive. Slightly unfortunately. Damn her for stealing my gems and enchanting them. Fucking damn it, but my tongue gets swollen when she misplaces an enchanted gem.

(5) I’ve grown quite a bit since the really stupid race for the, but I’m still a midget. Twilight said it’s something about environment and adaptability and how since I’m with small creatures, I’m going to be on the smaller size. Which explains all the different sized dragons. Magic is so useful.