Derpy ain't MOM

by andrizzi

Rating: everyone
Tags: Cheerilee, Random, Derpy Hooves, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Dinky Hooves, Other
Length: 1285

Have you ever read one of those heartwarming or tearing stories about Derpy being a single mother? This is not one of those.

Have you ever read one of those heartwarming or tearing stories about Derpy being a single mother? This is not one of those.

Written after seen "The cart before the ponies", this is meant to be a parody of the episode and all the stories where Derpy is Dinky's mother. Also I'm trying to early counterattack the stories where Derpy is a mother of this little pony in the cover.

I love Derpy mom, and parody is the biggest declaration of love. This story is meant to be full of meta-humor.

Published 2016-08-12 01:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-12 01:50:01 UTC

...as long as I know.

An angry voice came from the elementary school of Ponyville. “How did you dare to try to actually teach them something?! What kind of a teacher you are?!”

Applejack was standing in front of Cheerilee in order to prove a point, and what a better way than shouting angrily at her? “About physics, no less! Don’t you know that mumbo-jumbo is forbidden over there? That thing is used by mad ponies who try to cast the devilpony upon us.”

Cheerilee was just too aghast to respond the most respected citizen of Ponyville, so she just tried to indulge her. “Now, Applejack, I think you’re overreacting a little. It was just a tiny joke in order to introduce them to our derby. It’s not like I really taught them something...”

“Will better be, or Ah’ll call my white hooded friends with the big crosses and we’ll teach you a valuable lesson.” After saying that, she turned around and started to walk away. “Ah swear, can’t believe that my little sis’ got near that stuff. Ah’ll be better to indoctrinate her again into the rightly traditional and bigot way, by commanding her and not listening any reason.” Applejack left the schoolhouse, aiming for destructing all the childly creativity in her family, leaving a dumbfounded teacher behind her.

“I don’t understand, she’s usually such a nice and comprehensive pony...”

“Don’t you fret about it.”

In that precise moment, Cheerilee noticed that Pinkie Pie was hidden under her desk.

Cheerilee shrieked in terror. “Aaaah!”

“Aaaah! Yourself,” replied a happy Pinkie.

“Pinkie Pie?”

“Yup.” Pinkie came out from her hideout. “You see, in this episode, the writers were aiming to teach the valuable moral number 131: Elders are not perfect, and sometimes they make mistakes too! So, in order to make it easy-peasy for children, they’re forcing the big sister’s into acting as dumb donkeys.”

From the distance came the irritated voice of Cranky Doodle Donkey.

“I’ve told you that I find that line very much offensive!”

“AND I TOLD YOU THAT I REFER TO HUMAN’S DONKEYS, DONKEY!”

Pinkie turned back to Cheerilee. “Anyway, they’re pushing Applejack from being one the best big sis’ in the world into the traditional earless stubborn traditionalist parent that we all despise since we all know that country is all about traditions. But don’t worry, she’ll be back into her usual lovely self before the next week.”

“Are you sure?”

Pinkie Pie frowned deeply and talked with an unsettling serious tone. “If not, I’m going to just invite her in my bakery and then I’ll bring the cupcakes in.”

Cheerilee watched her with a mist of confusion and horror.

“Yes, sergeant sprinkles style.”

The two mares stayed motionless for a couple of seconds until Pinkie reminded about one question she had since a while.

“What is physic, anyway?”

“What kind of track is this?!” yelled Brony pony number 2. “Seriously, this is just a big messy crossroads, and all the roads are curves that come back! Who’s the idiot that designed this?”

Some background pony hushed B.p.n. 2.

“Hush you! This is a terrible design for a race! Everybody could turn into the wrong road at the intersection, either by mistake or to cheat, and the risk of an incident is pretty high.”

Just as he finished saying that, a multitude of carts crashed right at the center of the intersection.

All the guilt was addressed to the three random ponies.

“Are you kidding?! They were just driving like everyone else! Well, except maybe that one with the big swan. She was being quite unsportponylike for stopping all the other racers...”

“A CHICKEN?! YOU’RE ADORNING YOUR CART AS A CHICKEN?!”

Brony pony number 1 was standing in front of Scootaloo and her chart, which resembled a chicken.

“Do you know how old that joke is!? It’s like sooo season 1.”

The rambling was interrupted by a flying Rainbow Dash. “Hey, watch your mouth! My little almost-sister here is helping me making this cart 20% cooler.”

Brony pony number 1 shrieked painfully and run away.

“Yeah, you’d better run before I reach you and kick your rump in ten seconds flat!”

“PLEASE STOP!”

While running, B.p.n. 1 came across Pinkie Pie, who looked at him sadly as he was disappearing in the horizon. “Somepony just can’t appreciate an old reference,” she muttered.

“Wow big sister, this was the best day ever!” said a little colt with a gray coat and orange mane.

“I’m so glad you had fun,” replied Derpy between her giggles. “It’s been so long since we had a good sister-brother adventure.”

Derpy’s good mood was interrupted by the sound of somepony scribbling furiously right behind her. She watched at them in confusion until she realized who those ponies were.

“O for muffins' sake… can you stay here a little while? Your big sis will be right back in a moment.” Without waiting for a response, Derpy flew over the ponies with pens and scrolls.

“Well, it’s been a while, Brony ponies.” Blurted Derpy as she reached them.

They were very happy to see her. “Oh, hi Derpy. Isn’t this a wonderful day to spend with your children?”

“For the last time, I’m not a mother and Dinky isn’t my daughter.”

“A yes, we already accepted that after Flutter Butter. Well, most of us did at least. However, I wasn’t talking about her. Instead, we couldn’t forbear from noticing that amazingly cute little colt so similar to you that was inside your cart for the derby.” All the Brony ponies smiled at her with glowing expectation.

Derpy understood the implication and grunted, facehoofing. “Unbelievable,” then she rose her head and looked at them awry. “He is my little brother!”

There was a full minute of silence were all the Brony ponies just stared at her. Then they all tossed their charts in the air.

“You can’t do this to us!” yelled an angry Pegasister, “do you know how many pages of good material I had to throw out the window after Flutter Butter?! There were some of the most tearing moments you could ever imagine.”

“Yeah!” One other Brony pony snorted. “Because of that, I had to stop reading a lot of awesome stories about you and Dinky that now will never be finished.”

“Well, excuse me if I wasn’t so inconsiderate to allow some random guy to knock me up in my teenage days just to allow him to abandon me and my child later,” replied Derpy with sarcasm.

One of the brony ponies tried to stood up .“But what about the feels, Derpy? THE FEELS?!”

“I don’t care!” shouted Derpy. “Listen, if you really want to write or read about that stuff it’s ok, just don’t wreck me about all that later! I’m just a normal delivery pegasus, like anyone else. Now, if you really want something juicy to write about, there is Diamond Tiara who brought his butler instead of his dad. Assume what you want.”

Derpy moved away from the Pony bronies, who snapped up at the bait just a moment later. As they were running with their papers at hooves, one of them stopped to talk with Snips. “So, is that your father?”

Derpy didn’t mind them at all, she just went her way back to her little brother.

“Hey sis, who were they?” asked him.

“Just some weirdos who like to write fictional stories about ponies without actually knowing them.”

Just as they moved away, they met Lyra and Bon Bon. The two best friends were sharing a big meal from the same plate, staying veeery close to each other.

“Even if they may strike it right, sometimes.”