Twilight roused early on yet another beautiful Ponyville morning, full of vim and vigour, ready to continue making Equestria a better place through The Magic Of Friendship. A song was in her heart, a spring was in her step, everything was going to be absolutely perfect...
Until she tripped over thin air, and slammed her muzzle against the wall.
OUCHIE!! Sound of crowd manically laughing.
What the... The alicorn picked herself up, and rubbed her nose thoughtfully. She wasn't normally this clumsy first thing, they'd been nothing on the ground to make her stumble and Celestia, did that hurt.
The most puzzling aspect of this surreal experience though, was the cackling noise that accompanied her unfortunate slip-up. It sounded like no other pony she knew, even Pinkie Pie at her worst wasn't that gratingly obnoxious.
She checked all around her room, finding no trace of the sadistic culprit anywhere. Funny, I could have sworn it came from close by she pondered, while scratching the back of her head I shall have to look into this enigma later. For now, I have bigger priorities, like the hundreds of lifeforms relying on me to save them from a fate worse than loneliness. I must hasten to them, without a minute's delay.
It was as she passed her walk-in mirror that she got her second shock of the day. For, precariously positioned on her bloodshot eyes, were the largest pair of horn-rimmed spectacles she'd ever seen, and wrapped around her neck was a tie that was the most garish shade of yellow and orange polka-dots you could ever not wish to see. She certainly wasn't wearing these items the previous day, and after her initial surprise, took steps to remove them as quickly as possible.
But, whether it be by force or magic, there must have been some powerful enchantment cast on the two objects, because they didn't move an inch, despite the princess's best efforts. Also, was it just her imagination, or did her front teeth look like they stuck out more, to make her seem goofier? This situation was really starting to tax her patience...
"Oh, Criminy Fiddlesticks!" Sound of crowd going "OOOHHH"!!
Twilight immediately covered her mouth in shame, embarrassed that something so nonsensical could have sprouted forth from those educated lips. The strangest thing was, although she'd definitely said those heinous words, when they came out it was like she was on autopilot. A form of mind control, perhaps?
Again, with the random background noises, too. The sound of many voices in unison, making a kind of sarcastic grunt. Like what they'd just heard from her somehow pleased and infuriated them simultaneously. Weirder and weirder.
Twilight shook her head in annoyance. Nothing could be resolved here, she was going to need her friends to aid her in elucidating this ongoing conundrum. So, complete with her enormous new glasses and her colourful neckware, the goofy alicorn made her way out of her bedroom and downstairs. Upon reaching the first step, though...
CRASH! BANG! WALLOP! YOWCH! "Oh, Criminy Fiddlesticks with an extra helping of wood shavings!!" More sounds of uproarious crowd laughter, and even a few claps.
Alas, the newly ungainly Twilight had forgotten all about her complete lack of poise that morning, and had slipped right at the top of the staircase, loudly impacting on each step as she collapsed into a disheveled heap at the bottom. Her mouth was again not her own afterwards, as she repeated what seemed to be some sort of ridiculous catchphrase, this time with added details for emphasis.
Worse of all though was, once more, that intensely irritating background cacophony which seemed to take great pleasure in her suffering. Picking herself up and preening her wings, she furrowed her brow, before shouting at nopony in particular: "Oh, shut up!!" this time completely of her own volition.
"... So, what would you like me to 'shut up', Ma'am?"
A little voice perked up close to Twilight's bruised form that she recognised almost immediately. Good old Spike, come to see if I'm alright. She thought, relieved. At least nothing will be different about... what in Celestia is he wearing?!
Indeed, Spike's attire had taken a turn for the...bizarre. Instead of strolling around stark naked as was his usual fashion statement, he now sported a black blazer, a top hat and even a natty pair of small dark trousers. He also carried a silver tray, and eyed the alicorn expectantly, almost as if anticipating his next order.
Completely taken aback by her assistant's chic new appearance, she trotted over to him to put a concerned hoof around his neck. "Spike, are you feeling alright? You look... different."
"I'm as well as any servant could be, who hasn't had a day off in twenty years..." the dragon sniffed, while politely removing Twilight's hoof from his personage. "Also, may I remind you, while it is always an absolute pleasure to serve, my contract does explicitly prohibit close physical contact."
"OOOHHHH"!! The crowd were back, more boisterous than ever.
Ignoring them for now, Twilight began pacing up and down, trying to think of a reason for all this insanity. "I look like a stereotypical nerd... I keep falling down everywhere... I can't help but come out with the most stupid sayings... and you've transformed into some kind of servile snarker. What to do, what to do..."
"Madame, I do believe you are ruining your floor. Although, with the recent pattern you picked out for it, I could have told you that before." Spike unexpectedly chirped in, still as deadpan as ever.
"Huh?" Twilight glanced down at her feet to discover, that in just a few short minutes of procrastination, she'd worn a groove of a few inches of depth into the ground. There was smoke coming from her hooves too, which added to the lunacy of the latest bout of absurdness to happen on this fateful morning.
"HAHAHAHA"!! That crowd just would not shut up.
"Ah, I'm sick of this!" Twilight growled, clutching her head in exasperation. "I'm beginning to lose my mind..."
"Beginning?" Spike took the time to glance to the side with a raised eyebrow.
Putting her hooves in her ears just long enough to cut out the guffawing from the non-existent crowd, Twilight attempted to get her thoughts straight. "Okay, so apart from smart-alec quips, I'm not going to get any help from you. Who else around here can help me deal with this magical mystery of such a massive magnitude?"
"What a way you have with words, miss. If you had that kind of proficiency at socialising, you might have more than a handful of friends." Spike continued to icily backtalk his 'mistress'. "As for matters of a mystical nature, my best advice would be ask your new ward, Starlight. She seems to know all about that sort of thing. Me? I'm just waiting for my next paycheck. The first one would be nice. If you need me, I'll be polishing my scales..."
The crowd were back, with an audible "AAWWWW"!!, and when Twilight went to open her mouth again, she was greeted with a loud "BBOOOOO"!!
"Hey, he's never asked for pay befor... oh, what am I saying?! I'm talking... to a disembodied sound..." Twilight feared that by the time this was all over, she'd be residing in the padded cell next to Screwball.
The sardonic 'butler' had come up with one useful suggestion in all his sass though, and that was to talk to her protege, Starlight Glimmer, the recently reformed unicorn who's dastardly antics almost resulted in Armageddon.
Now though, she was on the side of good, and if anypony was powerful enough to help her and resist the strange hysteria that was apparently sweeping the nation, it was her new student. She should be awake by now, Twilight noted I'll go to the throne chamber and see how she's doing...
Upon opening the big double doors to the large map room, the alicorn saw that her star pupil was indeed up and about, hard at work devouring book after book in her insatiable quest for knowledge. Well, at least nothing's changed there... Twilight realised, a modicum of relief spreading over her system I'll just go over and announce mysel...
That's when the alicorn noticed the spines of some of the books stacked either side of Starlight. Among the portentous titles were the classics: 'Fifteen Easy Steps To Taking Over The World', 'How To Pretend To Be Somepony's Friend Before Stabbing Them In The Back', 'Perfecting Your Evil Laugh...' What the? I know I have a pretty vast library, but I don't recall ordering any of those volumes... Twilight thought in confusion.
During the alicorn's state of delirium, Starlight put down the maniacal publication she'd been perusing to 'greet' her teacher. "Well, if it isn't my bestest buddy, my premium pal, my forever friend in all of Equestria. I was just about to get you a little breakfast drink, but first of all I was wondering... would you sign some papers for me?"
"P-papers?" Twilight struggled to answer, as distracted as she was by the unicorn's impressive handlebar moustache that she'd apparently grown overnight. She also seemed to have acquired a posh foreign accent, which was best described as sounding civil yet mendacious at the same time.
"Yes, papers. You see Twilight, my closest ally, my champion chum, my ideal confidante..." Starlight spoke in an exaggerated melancholic tone, while an invisible violin screeched mournfully from somewhere. "If a completely accidental tragedy were to befall you, I'd have nowhere else to go. I know hardly any other pony around here, and most of my stuff was left back in Our Town. All that I ask is that you commit your signature to these forms. That will leave me your castle, wealth, title and butler, in the event of a totally unavoidable calamity. You'd be making this humble supervil... I mean, unicorn the happiest mare in Ponyville if you do me this small favour. I'll leave you to it, while I get you your very specially prepared beverage. It's an old Glimmer family recipe, the ingredients of which you... sorry, I'll take to my grave. See you soon..."
At this point, Starlight hoofed to her teacher five pieces of parchment and an inky feather, before bustling to the kitchen area to retrieve the alicorn's drink. Twilight couldn't help but notice en route her student's every step being greeted with a loud DUN DUN DUN from nowhere, and the not-at-all suspicious "BWHAHAHAHA!!" that emerged from her mouth mid-journey, complete with a one-hundred and eighty degree turn of her pupil's new facial hair. Well, at least she's been studying one of her books with diligence the princess concluded, ruefully.
That, and the small green bottle emblazoned with the unmistakable skull-and-crossbones symbol the unicorn carried with her, didn't exactly inspire Twilight to sample the 'special' concoction Starlight was creating, so instead the alicorn sank to her knees, wondering to what extent the rest of the town had been affected by this odd malaise, and how she was supposed to cure it...
Sound of crowd laughing hysterically, before a round of applause.
Most of all though, Twilight fumed to find out whoever's making that bucking racket, and blast them on a one-way ticket to Tartarus.
Author's Note
I wrote a pretty bad story, so hopefully here's a better one.
I'm envisaging this will be three-four chapters long, but I said that about 'A Mother's Love' and look how that turned out.
Incidentally, I will get back to that one, as soon as this little diversion is complete. Honest.
Next part arriving soon...
