The Batpony Conundrum

by Sleepy Panda

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Random, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 1746

Why on Earth did Princess Luna decide that her entire Guard must be composed of one of the rarest pony races? A batpony is baffled by this, and fights against being recruited.

Luna has a strange preference for batponies in her Royal Guard. Unfortunately, they're a pretty rare species, and not all of them are pleased with the constant nagging for them to join the military life.

Preread by pokefreak13 and VitalSpark, and edited by TheSillyDuck. They're great people.

(Terrible cover art by me)

Published 2016-09-01 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-01 19:40:01 UTC

Yeah, how about no?

In a quaint little pub on the outskirts of Canterlot, the laughter and happy chatter from its patrons lit up the night and transformed the normally quiet place into a place of joy and liveliness.

"And that's when I said, 'no, he told me he was out with his marefriend tonight!' I've never seen a mare get so red in my entire life, I swear, and then she bolted out the door so quickly I would've missed her if I blinked."

Venus grinned and downed the rest of his drink as his friends roared with laughter.

"Oh my goodness, V! That's like, so cruel, but she totally deserved it," Ruby said in between bouts of laughter, flapping her wings wildly and nearly falling onto the floor as she clutched her sides. Venus winked at his girlfriend, sending her into an even more severe fit of giggles. Cutie. Her cheeks were so red from the laughing, and it created such a stark contrast with her white coat.

"I mean, she did kinda deserve it," Sugar Scrub remarked, shrugging.

"True, true," somepony else agreed.

Suddenly, all heads turned toward the door, the night’s mood doused as quickly as if someone had flipped a switch. After all, few ponies entered a building by loudly throwing the front door open, so there was no question as to who was paying them a visit.

"Great, not the guard again," Venus muttered, rolling his eyes. Ruby groaned and hid behind her long red mane.

Everypony solemnly stared at the pair of guards as they clanked their way over. The bartender hastily ducked into the back room, not wanting to get involved again. Last time, he'd ended up seeing things that would have scarred him permanently—if not for the fact that he'd suffered a concussion soon after and forgotten the incident.

"Who've you come to yell at this time?" Venus complained as they came to a stop in front of their table, standing up to confront them.

"Venus Joy," one of the guards said, staring blankly ahead. Venus blinked. That hadn't been the expected answer at all.

"Me? What did I do?" He took a few steps back, nearly hiding behind Ruby, but stopped himself. No need to make himself look cowardly and dumb, now. Besides, to his knowledge, Ruby was the only criminal here. He shouldn't be putting her in view of the law enforcers.

"We're simply here by the orders of Princess Luna," the uglier of the guards said unceremoniously. Will you come outside with us?" It wasn't a question; it was a demand masked as one.

"Yeah... whatever." Venus downed his drink and slammed it back on the table, a bit of satisfaction rising inside him as he saw the slight frowns of disapproval in the uptight guards' faces. Good.

Dragging his hooves behind him, he shoved past the guards and exited the pub into the cool, quiet night. It'd be less quiet if the stupid guards hadn't stomped out their fun.

The guards followed in a less obnoxious manner, quietly closing the pub's door behind them.

Venus yawned, stretching his hooves out, taking care to get as close to the ugly guard's face as possible. "So, what do you idiots want?"

"We're here on a recruitment mission," the less ugly guard said. "Venus Joy is the next name on our list."

Venus snarled. "My name is V, got that?" He pawed at the ground, irritated. "And this recruitment thing is total BS. Racial discrimination is what it is!"

"We're sorry, but Princess Luna has very specific—"

"Yeah yeah, shut it. I don't care what Her Majesty says." Venus ruffled his leathery bat wings. "I'm not going to throw away my life just because of my pony race, you hear?"

"Sir, with all due respect, you wouldn't be throwing your life away. The Lunar Guard is a highly respectable—"

"Highly respectable? I'm perfectly respected the way I am now! I have friends, a secure job, a—"

"Oh for Celestia's sake, will you please just shut up and let him talk," the ugly guard snapped. "You haven't let him finish one sentence!"

Venus snorted, but quieted down and waved his hoof in an exaggerated "go on" motion.

The less ugly guard cleared his throat and pulled a scroll out from a pocket in his armor.

"On behalf of Princess Luna... actually, no, you won't listen to me if I read the introduction. Benefits section... ah, here it is. Simply put, the Lunar Guard sets their own benefits."

Venus blinked. "Waaaaaait wait wait wait wait. What? You sayin' I can demand anything I want and I'll have it?"

The ugly guard sighed. "As terrible as an idea it is, yeah. As long as you join the Lunar Guard."

Venus hummed to himself, then shook his head. "Nah, there's no way you'd do anything."

"Try me," the less ugly guard said, face dead serious. Venus squinted his eyes, trying to detect any hint of humor, but found none.

"Alright," he said finally. "I'd like a twenty-four karat gold statue of myself in Canterlot Gardens, at least twice the size of me, surrounded by roses."

Both guards gave him a look. The not-as-hideous guard gave a long sigh and wrote down the request in a notepad, each scratch of the quill causing him great mental pain. "Done," he said.

"Wait, seriously?" Venus laughed. "You actually meant anything. Wow."

"Indeed. Training starts tomorrow, 0600 sharp. Lunar Training Grounds, east of the palace. Bring a water bottle." The guards turned to leave, but Venus stopped them.

"Hey hey hey, no, I didn't agree to anything," he said, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh yes you did," the ugly guard said with a smug smirk. "When you listed your conditions for being part of the guard—having your statue built—that's when you accepted the job."

“No… no, see, that was me testing you to see if you’d actually meant anything,” Venus stuttered, narrowing his eyes at the guards’ infuriating posteriors. “Don’t make that statue, because I’m not joining the guard, you hear?”

The guards turned to face him, finally deciding that it was rude to talk to ponies with their butts in their faces. “Sorry Sir Venus Joy, but once it’s on the paper, it’s official,” the ugly one declared.

“Dude, how is there anything official about a cheap notepad?” Venus snapped. “Oh, and sorry for calling you ‘Dude’. I forgot that your name was Idiot Buttface.”

“Of all the names…” the ugly guard dubbed Idiot Buttface sighed. “What are you, five? And look, you’re pretty much part of the guard now, and I can’t do much about that.”

“Fine, then I want to talk to whoever’s in charge here,” the batpony demanded. “I refuse to be forced to join this dumb guard just because of some racial bias.”

“Alright.” The guard shrugged.

“P-Princess Luna?!” Venus sputtered, whirling around to face the guards, aghast. “You didn’t tell me the pony in charge was the Princess!

Idiot Buttface smirked. “You didn’t ask.”

“That is enough,” Princess Luna chimed in from her place on the throne. “Guards, you are dismissed.”

"Yes, Your Majesty," they chorused, and left the room with a bow, gently shutting the doors behind them. Venus gulped, realizing it was just him and the Princess. In the same room. Alone. With all her powerful magic.

"So, Venus Joy,"—Venus winced at his name—"you are the new recruit for my personal guard, no?" she asked, looking at him questioningly. "My officers tell me they've encountered some issues with enlisting you."

"Um... yes, Princess, I, um..." Venus shook his head and stood up straighter, regaining some of his confidence. "Yeah, these guys are telling me I have to join the guard, but I don't want to. And it's really stupid that your guard force has to be completely composed of my race!"

"It's a practical issue. Your eyesight is far superior to that of normal ponies, which is essential given my nocturnal habits," Princess Luna explained.

"I don't care. Go get some other batpony that gives a flying feather about this whole thing, cuz I just want to go home." Venus flicked his tail angrily.

Princess Luna regarded him with a carefully calm gaze. "You know that's harder to do these days, what with the—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, your sister nearly caused my extinction because you decided to go rogue and turn bad!" Venus snapped. "Maybe if you'd have tried harder, she wouldn't have tried to get rid of us all, and then maybe I could walk down the street without being stared at because I'm such an oddity!" He breathed through his gritted teeth, chest heaving as he let go of all his pent-up anger. An awkward stretch of silence passed, and Venus cleared his throat. "What I mean to say is, I refuse my position in your Royal Guard, Princess."

"Food. Free food forever," Luna offered.

"Nope." Venus glared, defiant.

"Free clothes?"

"I don't wear clothes!"

Luna paused, humming to herself. "Free—"

"Look, no matter what you offer me, I'm not taking it. I like my life right now. I have a good group of friends, a decent income, I'm happy... what more could a stallion want? You take away all that from me and I'm nothing."

"So is that the actual reason you don't want to join the guard, then?" Luna pressed.

"No! I mean, yes, but... whatever..." Venus sighed. "I'm not joining the guard. That's that."

"You don't want to lose your friends?" the princess continued, ignoring him.

"Well, no, of course not." Venus gave her an odd look.

"Well, I think I might have just the thing to fix that. You won't all be in the same groups, but..."

~~~~~

One month later...

In a quaint little pub on the outskirts of Canterlot, the laughter and happy chatter from its armor-clad patrons lit up the night and transformed a normally quiet place into a place of joy and liveliness.

Venus smiled and kissed his girlfriend, their sets of guard armor clinking against each other, one bearing the seal of the Lunar Princess and the other, of the Solar Princess.

Author's Note

This is my first story in a very long time, so if you have any feedback to offer at all, I'd really appreciate it. I feel like I'm really out of practice and I want to get back up to my old skill level.

Thanks for reading!