Fan Assaulted by Unpleasant Substance
Author's Note
All characters copyrighted to Hasbro and used for non-profit amusement reasons. All original characters copyrighted to me. Comments, compliments, and constructive criticism is encouraged and appreciated. If you like my work, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Even a dollar a month helps.
Fan Assaulted by Unpleasant Substance
Attack of the Rampaging Love Monster
by Jonathan “KnightMysterio” Spires
Chapter 1: Fan Assaulted By Unpleasant Substance
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Ponyville...
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It was a perfect day in Ponyville.
The sun was shining brightly, only a few clouds were in the sky. Business was conducted without incident. Rarity sold dresses, Applejack sold apples, Mr. Davenport sold quills and sofas (2 sofas sold already this morning!), and Derpy actually managed to not crash into anything while delivering the morning mail. Pinkie Pie had convinced Luna to hold a Ponyville-wide dream party last night, which left everypony in a good mood upon waking up. Luna herself went to bed with a smile on her face, happy that she could do something so nice with her power. And if Luna was happy, then Celestia, who adored her sister, was also happy.
Yes, things were wonderful in Ponyville today.
“Things are wonderful today,” Twilight Sparkle said, agreeing with the narration.
“Seems to be!” Starlight Glimmer said. “I didn't see Spike this morning, though...”
Twilight smiled. “Oh, I gave him some time off. He's been working hard for me lately, so I decided to let him have a week's vacation. He's using it to go visit Dragon Lord Ember!”
Starlight nodded. “Oh, okay. Yeah, he deserves a break,” she said, she and Twilight both in the kitchen preparing lunch. “That reminds me... is it okay if I invite Trixie over for a sleepover this weekend? Just the two of us? I saw this book in the library about how to have a good sleepover, and I was thinking... well, you know how things were for me after Sunburst left.”
Twilight was a little disappointed that she wasn't invited, but she wasn't going to begrudge Starlight a chance to be with her friend. “Sure thing! I know you'll have fun.”
The two mares ate in happy silence for a long moment.
“Sure is a peaceful day,” Starlight said.
“Yep!” Twilight agreed, smiling.
There was a long, awkward pause.
“...Something bad's gonna happen, isn't it?” Starlight asked.
“Usually does...” Twilight muttered.
Right on cue, a scroll appeared in a swirl of green flame.
“Wait, dragonfire? I thought Spike was gone!” Starlight asked.
“I keep some in a spellbottle for when Spike's on vacation,” Twilight said, picking up the scroll. The seal of the Crystal Empire was on it. Worried, she broke the seal and unrolled it. “It's from Shining Armor, my brother.”
“What's it say?” Starlight asked, frowning.
“'Twily. Coming to Ponyville ASAP. Something happened. Old trap of Sombra's. Contain Cadance as best you can. Don't let her cast. Will explain when I get there. BBBFF,'” she read.
“BBBFF?” Starlight asked in confusion.
“Big Brother Best Friend Forever,” Twilight explained. “And what does he mean, 'contain Cadance?' Did something bad happen to her?”
The castle shook as something crashed into it.
“Rainbow Dash?” Starlight asked.
Twilight shook her head. “No, she knows to use the windows now,” she said, a sinking feeling coming to her. “Come on!” With a flash of Twilight's horn, both she and Starlight disappeared, reappearing outside.
To their surprise, Princess Cadance was laying there, a dazed look on her face, her mane mussed up from crashing into the side of Twilight's castle. Twilight and Starlight helped the dazed Princess to her hooves.
“Unh...” Cadance moaned.
“Cadance! Omigosh, are you okay!?” Twilight asked, worried.
“Princess Cadance, what happened?” Starlight asked, confused.
Cadance blinked, her eyes coming into focus. “T... Twilight?”
Twilight smiled. “Yes. Yes, it's me! Cadance, what...”
Cadance suddenly brightened. “SUNSHINE SUNSHINE LADYBUGS AWAKE!” she shouted, smacking Twilight on the head in time to the phrase. “CLAP YOUR HOOVES,” she said, boxing Twilight's ears, making the smaller alicorn yelp in pain, “AND DO A LITTLE SHAKE!” She picked up Twilight in her magic and shook her roughly, tossing her aside.
Starlight stared, shocked. Twilight groaned softly. “Mummy, if I don't leave now, I'll be tardy...” she moaned dazedly.
Cadance just giggled, looking around randomly.
“Why...” Starlight stammered. “Why did you do that?!”
Cadance suddenly whirled, putting her face right in Starlight's. The frightened unicorn tried to back up, fear making her forget all the escape magic she knew, but Cadance kept her face perfectly pressed against hers. Starlight started to say something again, but before she could, Cadance licked her. She pressed her tongue roughly against Starlight's face, matting her fur as she licked straight up, messing up Starlight's mane as well.
“You taste like cheese,” Cadance whispered in a conspiratorial tone.
“Uh...” Starlight had no idea how to take that.
“Cadance...” Twilight said, slowly picking herself up. “Cadance please, tell us what happened?”
Cadance shrugged. “I dunno. I was dancing with my baby tonight when I found out that you can't stop the beat and then everybody hand in hand bringing down the pain with a whomp bomp a loo whomp a whomp bam boom!” she said quickly. And then she started swinging her head back and forth.
Twilight and Starlight traded baffled looks. “Could you get anything out of that?” Starlight asked. Twilight shook her head. “Me neither.”
Twilight frowned. “Cadance... Please, let's go inside...”
“BA!” Cadance suddenly shouted, startling the two of them. “Ba ba ba babababababababababababababababa.”
“Um...” Twilight said.
“Babababa,” Cadance added.
“Cada...” Twilight tried.
“BABABABA!” Cadance interrupted.
“Cadance, please,” Twilight tried again.
“BABABABABABABABA!” Cadance babbled.
“STOPIT!” Twilight roared, Cadance flinching.
“Ba?” the insane love princess tried, grinning weakly.
Starlight rubbed at her ears, temporarily deafened. Twilight took a deep breath to calm herself. “Okay. It's obvious that you're in a lot of mental distress right now. Let's just both go inside before something else happens, and...”
Further proving that the universe was out to get Twilight today, three figures appeared in a flash of light, a swirl of darkness, and a burst of frosted mini-wheats.
Celestia looked to see if Discord and Luna had also arrived safely, and turned to her former student. “Twilight, we came as soon as we got Shining Armor's letter. Is Cadance...”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!” Cadance gasped, actually saying the word.
Celestia, Luna, and Discord all turned at the sound, staring in confusion at Cadance, who had a wide-eyed look of glee on her face.
“...Twilight?” Luna asked. “What is happening?”
“I don't know,” Twilight whimpered.
Discord leaned forward curiously, and poked her on the nose. “Boop,” Cadance said. Discord snorted, amused, and poked her in the nose again. “Boop,” Cadance said once more.
“I don't know what's going on, but I kinda like it,” Discord said, making Cadance go 'boop' again.
“Discord, please stop that,” Celestia said, frowning. “She's obviously been damaged mentally by a curse of some kind, we need to...” She took a step forward, slipping slightly on some of the cereal generated by Discord's arrival. “Really, Discord?”
“What? I like frosted mini-wheats,” he said, pouting.
Celestia shook her head. “What is it with you and food-related spells, anyway? But I'm getting off topic. We need to...”
“AAAAAAAAAAH!!” Cadance squealed happily, flailing about randomly. “You talked to each other for more than five seconds! IT MUST BE TRUE ROMANCE!”
“Whoa, wait a minute...” Discord said.
“Cadance, that's hardly criteria for...” Celestia started.
“SHINKUU LOVEDOKEN!!” Cadance shouted, firing two massive heart-shaped energy blasts from her horn. The force of the impact explosion knocked back Starlight, Twilight, and Luna, the blasts hitting Celestia and Discord head on. Cadance cackled madly, falling to her back and flailing about like a child as everypony came to their senses.
“Unh... everypony okay?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah...” Starlight groaned, wincing as she pulled herself upright.
“We are fine,” Luna said, already standing. “We are more shaken than injured. But what of sister and Discord?”
The three of them looked around the clearing smoke, eventually spotting Discord and Celestia in each other's arms, gazing into each other's eyes with what could only be described as adoration.
And for some odd reason, Discord was now sporting a big black mustache, Celestia wearing a long, form-fitting black dress.
“Cara mia...” Discord said softly, adoringly.
“Mon cher...” Celestia replied, the passion evident in her voice.
And then they kissed. But not just any kiss. The kiss of two lovers who had been apart for ages, a passionate tongue kiss so hot that the grass around them started to sizzle from the sheer passion the two lovers were showing.
Twilight, Luna, and Starlight stared, their jaws dropped.
“FEEL the love of the HYPER COMBO FINISH!” Cadance shouted, giggling madly.
“This is... this is insanity...” Luna said, her mind struggling to process what she was seeing.
“Ah, but that's where you're wrong,” Discord said. “For at last, I have finally realized that the most beautiful mare in the world stands before me!” He gestured grandly, his eyes never leaving Celestia's.
“Discord...” Celestia said softly, her adoration plainly evident. “I never realized...”
“Cara mia...” Discord said. “I will always love you. I am your servant, your SLAVE. I would die for you. I would KILL for you...”
Celestia groaned lovingly. “Oh mon amour, ma chère folie. Comment j'adore votre cœur passionné. Votre corps dépareillés est celle d'un DIEU. Il allume en moi une passion que je ne l'ai jamais ressenti avant...”
“Tia...” Discord almost purred. “That's Prench...” The two began making out again.
Twilight's eye began to twitch convulsively, several hairs springing out of place on her mane. “All right,” she said, her voice shaking. “We can fix this. We just have to remain calm. Starlight?”
The unicorn gulped nervously. “Yeah?”
“Go meet my brother at the train station,” Twilight said, forcing herself to remain calm. Starlight ran off, grateful to get away from this surreal scene. Twilight took another deep breath, and turned to Princess Luna. “Princess Luna...”
Luna was still staring at Discord and her sister with horrified shock on her face, the two brainwashed lovebirds still trying to suck each other's faces off, fondling each other in highly inappropriate ways.
“LUNA!” Twilight barked, Luna yelping and turning to Twilight. Twilight took another breath to calm herself. “Luna, I need you to get the girls together. I'm going to contain Cadance as best I can and...”
Twilight looked around, more mane hairs springing out of place. “Where... WHERE'D SHE GO!?”
“There, we see her!” Luna said, pointing in the direction of Ponyville. Cadance was merrily hopping towards it, singing random jibberish words.
“Oh no...” Twilight moaned, she and Luna dashing after the maddened love princess, leaving Celestia and Discord to themselves.
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Dragonlands...
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“...and that's why your wings haven't come in yet,” Ember said, finishing her explanation.
“Huh...” Spike said. “I didn't know that...”
Ember smiled, twirling her specter idly. “It's not Twilight's fault. She just didn't know how to properly hatch a dragon egg. Because you're so young, though, it's easily correctable.”
Spike grinned. “So I'll finally get my wings?”
Ember grinned. “Yeah,” she said. “I'll even give you your first flying lessons.”
Spike started to cheer, but then paused.
Ember frowned. “What's wrong?”
Spike shook his head, confused. “You ever get the feeling you avoided a really aggravating situation?”
Ember nodded. “Sometimes. Usually it means I've managed to avoid talking to that idiot Garble,” she said.
Spike frowned. “It feels like that now. Like I just dodged a crossbow bolt or something...”
TO BE CONTINUED...
