New Math

by Elite Minor

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy
Length: 3542

Twilight is bored. She sees Applejack's new guitar...what could go wrong?

Twilight is stuck in the slums of a slow and uneventful day. Her boredom is threatening to push her to extremes. Then she notices Applejack's new guitar.

What can go wrong?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-24 22:24:02 UTC

New Math

New Math

I just put this together today.

I apologize to whoever may be offended by this one-shot. If it makes you feel better, it’s not my song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obIGsb-IZMo

See? So if you are offended by any of this, please complain to him, not me.

Bo Burnham: New Math

_____________________________________________________________________

Twilight was bored.

SOOO bored.

Even though she loved reading, she had gone through every book in her library at least three times. She snarled in frustration as she magically threw the book that she grabbed off the shelf earlier.

The title read: Offensive Comedy Song Writing for Eggheads

The book slapped the wall behind her with a loud Snap! Before dropping to the floor.

“UGH! Why can’t writers write any faster! Why are they SO slow! I haven’t received a new book for months! As much as I love all of these books, some new material couldn’t hurt!”

The purple unicorn dropped to the floor of library with a thud, her legs splaying out in all directions. She continued to lie on her stomach for several minutes, wearing the pouty face of a foal while blowing her bangs away from her eyes.

What was there to do? She had no errands to run today, and Spike would be asleep for at least another hour or so.

Rarity had to assemble a dozen dresses to be shipped off to Trottingham by this afternoon so she wouldn’t be available. Pinkie Pie was bogged down today because Sugarcube Corner was getting hammered with customers. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were nowhere to be found and Applejack was plowing her farm, preparing for the next harvest.

The unicorn with the pink-highlighted mane was much too lazy to take stroll around Ponyville and look for somepony to hang out with. There were absolutely no tasks for the purple mare to complete today, which was strange, considering the fact that she’s usually stressed and work up about one thing or another, even if it was insignificant.

But not today.

It was a rarely slow and boring day for Twilight Sparkle.

She sighed in disappointment as she analyzed her predicament, secretly hoping to discover an errand that she may have forgotten but to no avail. The unicorn could do nothing else but stare into the wall in front  of her and ponder about how in Equestria she was taskless today.

“Is it possible that I need to pick up a second hobby? I mean, books are my passion but…” the bookworm pony thought with curiosity.

Her eyes glazed over the wall she was facing and the intelligent mare managed to catch a glimpse of an acoustic guitar leaning all by its lonesome on her wall. When Twi squinted her eyes to get a better look, she realized that it was Applejack’s tan, wood-colored acoustic guitar.

It was made of wood from a dying tree on Sweet Apple Acres, and was crafted masterfully by the team of Lyra and Octavia. The two musically talented ponies were familiar with such instruments and were more than happy to help the orange farm pony for free, much to the cowpony’s relief.

It was recently completed and appeared as such. Twilight admired how sleek and shiny the surface looked and imagined that rest of body must be just as beautiful. Applejack had accidently left the guitar here last night, after a little get-together with friends. Of course Pinkie Pie couldn’t resist turning that ‘get-together’ into a full-blown party.

The purple unicorn smiled at the thought of her chipper pink friend summoning a party cannon out of thin air and blasting her library with colorful decorations. Twilight and her friends had all cleaned the mess they made before they left last night. The unicorn pony smiled once more, it was a good time.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t exactly do a repeat right now, with everypony busy.

Still…that guitar provided her with an interesting speculation.

Just maybe…

“NO! I can’t do that! I’ve never even played an instrument before! I mean, I have read about it, but if there’s anything I’ve learned since I’ve come to Ponyville, it’s that you can’t master something just by reading about it. Besides, I wouldn’t want to ruin Applejack’s new guitar, she’ll never let me live it down. Rainbow Dash broke her last guitar two MONTHS ago and she STILL calls her out on it. I don’t want to make a friend mad at me. This just spells trouble,” she argued with herself, shooting down the attractive thought in her head.

She wanted to try it so badly. The boredom was driving the pony up the wall. She had to do something or she’d go insane! Her usual high-stressed and quick-tasking nature was being mocked and tested by this period of inactivity. However, she decided to try to fight the demon of temptation inside her mind, trying to convince her to pick up that awesome guitar and start jamming. At this thought, the librarian raised an eyebrow.

“Who am I? Rainbow Dash?”

The bookish unicorn tried to distract herself by trying to think up in how ways was she different from the cyan pegasus, regarding the last statement.

“I am in NO way like her! I can resist temptation much easier than she can and I have a much more capable head on my shoulders. I’ll prove it! All I have to do is wait for Applejack to come back and pick up her guitar when she realizes that she left it here. Simple as that! The problem will be solved and I can put all these silly, foalish thoughts behind me. She usually ends work around six o’clock so it shouldn’t be long now,”

A renewed vigor flowed into her body like river. She didn’t need that silly guitar. The magically-talented unicorn couldn’t help but to be a little smug, mentally praising herself for using her superior intellect, reasoning, and analysis to overcome temptation.

Then she glanced at the clock.

It was noon.

“WWWHHHAATT!!!!????”

Twilight’s frustration was visible as she growled in dissatisfaction. She got up on all fours and starting pounding her front hooves onto the floor, looking like a filly who was pouting after her parents told her ‘NO’. Twi stopped her anti-floor rampage and hissed in resentment at the clock, her mane starting to get fizzy and messed up as she ran her hooves over it and then down to her eyes and cheeks.

“Six hours!? Really!? I swear, I’m about to cry,” she complained.

“That’s it! Screw it! I’m doing it! I can easily pay the damages if something goes wrong!” the reader concluded, unable to stand it any longer.

She just had to get this strange desire out of her system once and for all.

With that, she approached the guitar and gave it a thorough once-over. She had seen how to hold one of these before but was not clear if she could do it correctly. Absentmindedly, she picked it up in her hooves and then plopped down on her haunches, cradling the instrument in her arms. Her back was to the door and she was facing her bedroom in the middle of the library.

“I’ll worry about technique later, I just need to play,” she thought as she recognized a spark in her gut that let her know that she was excited.

It was the same spark that hit her whenever she found a new book to read, when she first met her friends, or anything that excited her for that matter.

And she was excited.

“Hmm…what should I play? I’ve never actually done this before so it may be a little difficult…

I know! I’ll sing something witty and creative! Any intellectual pony would respect a work like that. As for the guitar, I’ll just copy AJ’s actions last night. Now all I need are some lyrics…

Maybe that book I threw out can help me? Hmmm…what was in it again? Wait, no! I can’t plagiarize! What if the princess finds out!? ...Ok, I guess I’ll just have to wing it,” As soon as the purple pony stopped arguing with herself, she let her own pleasures envelop her thoughts.

“If I’m gonna have fun with this I might as well get into a character of some kind right?”

The young mare imagined a crowd out in front of her, including her friends, which she put much detail into, even getting Pinkie to wave at her. The fans wouldn’t stop screaming and she blushed cutely at the imaginary attention she was receiving. Then she got nervous when she noticed intellectual celebrities within the crowd.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no! It that Doctor Marebius? Professor Skyfire? Lord Cozmar? I am their biggest fan! They wrote some of the best books I’ve ever read!

…And they’re here to listen to me…

I can’t make a fool out of myself! Especially with my friends here AND the most prominent intellectuals in all of Equestria here! Ok, I’ll just have to give everything I have and it’ll all be just fine…

I hope,”

This felt so real to her. It must have been silly to watch a library pony with a guitar getting nervous over playing for a crowd that doesn’t exist. The unicorn tried to stop her teeth chattering, body sweating, and shaking, in a desperate endeavor to maintain composure. She merely took a deep breath and spoke to her imaginary audience.

“Oh yes, I’m banging one tonight,” she pretended to say to somepony ‘offstage’.

Shortly after, she turned back to her audience.

“Uh hi everypony, it’s been awhile. I wrote this song…for you. It’s about something that’s usually pretty boring, MATH and it makes it fun.

It’s called New Math,” she said with a chipper tone, her nervousness starting to melt away from her.

Twi smiled in delight as she began strumming the guitar. After establishing a rhythm, her eyes nearly popped out of her head as she noticed that it didn’t sound that bad. Maybe she could pull this off yet…

“What’s... a pirate minus the ship?

Just a creative homeless guy.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant?

An ironic way to die.

And what’s domain, domain, range (xxy)

A colt with too much in his pants.

And two balls minus one,

Six titles at the Tour De Prance.

Tour De Prance!

Cancer!”

“Wow! This is really fun! I wonder if Rainbow felt like this when she did her ‘gay’ song in that talent show last month?”

“Split a decision with long division,

Take the circumference of your circumcision.

Live like your data and when you're all "set"

Put it all together and whatever you get.

It’s New math...

It’s New math.

What’s a bag of chips divided by five?

Well that’s an Apple worker's meal.

And Santa Clause multiplied by "I"

Well I guess that makes him REAL.

And the square root of the NBA,

Is Zebras in a box.

How do you trace a scatter plot?

You give the pencil to Michael J Fox,”

Twilight cringed at that last line.

“Did I REALLY just say THAT?”

“Take the approximate moral proportion,

Of the probable problem of a pro-life abortion.

Live like your data, and when you’re all "set"

Put it all together and whatever you get...

It’s New Math.

It’s New Math,”

The singing purple unicorn stopped to take a breath. This ‘music’ stuff was really tiring, but fun though. Twilight couldn’t resist to admit that.

“And if you made a factor tree,

Of the factors that caused my filly to leave me,

You’d have a tree...

Full of unicorn porn,”

“Wait, I’m not homosexual…or AM I?” her purple irises filled her sockets at the question.

“C-A-L-C-U-LATOR (see you later)

Mathematical minds make industrial smog.

And what’s the opposite of LNX?

Duraflame the unnatural log.

Support the Apples with a pro-tractor.

Link Celestia and Luna with a common factor. (fact, or)

Live like your data...and when you’re all set.

Put it all together and whatever you get…

It’s New-

It’s New-

It’s New-

It’s New-

It’s New Math,”

The unicorn mare was starting to show signs of fatigue and had begun to sweat again, but it didn’t matter to her. She was having fun. That’s all she cared about at the moment.

“Word problems!

Ready?

If there’s a fat colt in a pastry shop,

With a twenty bit coin and he's ready to buy.

In order to predict his volume change,

You’ll need to know the value of PI (pie)

And there’s a metal train that’s a mile long,

And at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her.

How long til it reaches and kills the driver,

Provided that he's a good CONDUCTOR,”

She was smiling widely. Her witty and at the same time intellectual wordplay would win over any pony. Maybe she was even better than Rainbow Dash! She suppressed the urge to giggle at the thought and just focused on continuing the song.

“And if ten percent of colts are gay,

And twenty percent of colts are like Rainbow Dash and her secret needs.

What are the odds that a colt chosen at random,

Spends his freetime and mealtime while on his knees?

And if Sweetie Belle is half as old as Big Mac,

Who is two years older than sixteen year old Rarity.

For how many more 30 day months,

Will their threesomes be considered, statutory rape?”

The performing pony had to stop to take a break, and catch her breath. When did she learn how to speak so fast? She was naturally a good speaker but that part of the song was ‘Pinkie Pie status’.

“Cause math can be sexy.

Cause having sex is like quadratic expansion,

If it can’t be split, then it’s time to stop.

And having sex is like doing fractions,

It’s improper for the larger one to be on top.

Yeah!

And having sex is like math homework,

I do it best when I’m alone in my bed,”

“Why am I still a virgin?” she thought to herself as she gave a sheepish smile to the nonexistent crowd.

“And squaring numbers are just like fillies,

If they’re under thirteen just do them in your head....”

Twilight paused here to think about what she just said. Where did all these lyrics come from?

“And New Math…”

The library pony strummed the final notes of the song and stopped playing abruptly.

“Pedophilia…”

She finished the song randomly, hoping she didn’t cause to much damage.

“Where did those lyrics come from?! I didn’t even think! I just started saying things! Oh no, what if there were foals in the crowd?! Oh no no no no!”

It took a minute before she realized that the  audience was imaginary, and once she figured that out, the image of the shocked and screaming fans dimmed from her view. Twi chuckled to herself for being so ridiculous. Sometimes even smart and well-educated ponies can still have hiccup moments.

It was fun. Now she understood why Rainbow Dash decided to sing in the talent show. Not only to get curious ponies off her back but also for the pure fun. This felt great for her. The elation within her purple body was bubbling up inside and ready to burst at the seams.

The purple unicorn had a little bounce in her step as she trotted over to the wall to replace the guitar, of which she was holding happily in her mouth. Twilight’s face was wearing a perky smile and her eyes were closed shut as the pony fought the need to squee in delight.

Twilight knew that she had to do this again sometime.

As she placed the guitar back to its original stance, the bookworm smiled at how well she mimicked the exact lean of the original placement and was also relieved to see that the instrument hadn’t suffered any damaged and hadn’t even shown signs of use. That was good, she didn’t want Applejack starting to question her about it, lest Twi might be forced to mention the song. The intelligent mare was using her magic to perfect the final placement of the object and it wasn’t long before she got it down.

“Whew! Glad I got that out of my system! It was actually a blast and definitely worth it. The best part is, no pony is gonna even know that-”

She stopped dead in her tracks as she turned towards her front door.

All of her friends were standing right there.

Staring at her with mixed expressions.

“Crap…” Twilight mouthed.

Her head drooped in defeat as her friends continued to stare at her.

“So…how much did you hear?” the guilty pony inquired, breaking the ice.

“Um…we strolled in when you first picked up the guitar darling,” Rarity responded with a sympathetic tone.

“Oh boy…”  Twilight thought as she facehoofed.

“Uh yeah, Twilight? Did you say something about having sex with your bed? Cause if you did, that’s pretty hilarious!” Rainbow Dash chortled as she busted out laughing, falling across Pinkie’s back with her legs sprawled out.

Pinkie was giggling as well with a hoof over her snout, and Fluttershy just stared at Twilight, with big fearful eyes.

“Oh my goodness…oh no. This wasn’t supposed to happen! No pony was supposed to see that! I’m so sorry girls!” Twilight pleaded, trying to salvage the situation.

But it was obviously too late as the damage had already been done.

Twilight eyed Fluttershy with guilt. The poor shy pegasus looked like her innocence had just been stripped from her and she appeared petrified. The butter-colored pony stood like a statue staring at Twilight with one wide eye, the other one hiding behind her long, pink mane.

“I’m so sorry,” Twilight whispered to her, starting to worry about her winged friend.

“Aah-Um…it’s ok Twilight,” Fluttershy answered, her voice even softer than Twilight’s whisper.

“We were the ones who dropped in without knocking and we also decided to sit through your entire song without stopping you, so I guess it’s kind of our fault as well,” the animal-lover politely explained.

“Still. You shouldn’t have heard any of that. It was private. I was…venting, I assume?” Twilight replied, still feeling terrible about this whole thing.

Then the singing unicorn faced Applejack. She didn’t look too happy.

“AJ please, I’m sorry for using your guitar ok? I won’t do it again! At least I didn’t break it like Rainbow Dash did!”

“Hey!” the cyan pegasus retorted.

“Sugarcube, it ain’t the guitar that I’m angry about, you can play it anytime you want. It’s the song I have a problem with,” the orange cowpony said.

“Okay, so this just went from bad to worse…great,”

“Now most of that song didn’t bother me none, I even found some parts to be pretty funny. But that part about Apples not eatin’ enough is flat out wrong! We Apples eat healthier than an vegetarian at a lettuce buffet!” Applejack said proudly, giving a light smile.

“Uh…Applejack…we’re all vegetarians,” Rainbow stated flatly.

“Uh yeah, of course we are,” the Stetson-wearing pony laughed nervously as the pegasus raised an eyebrow at her.

“They can’t find out!...It was ONE time!” Applejack thought urgently.

“I’m sorry I made fun of your family AJ! Please forgive me!” the purple unicorn pleaded once more.

“Aw, don’t worry ‘bout it none Sugarcube! I was just funning with ya! Your song was pretty dandy! Oh and those ‘Pro-tractors’…yeah you’d better get me one for the farm and I’ll call it even!” the farmpony proposed, falling onto her back as she started giggling.

“Anyways darling, I don’t think it was much of an issue. Lighten up, your song was very well-thought out and your wordplay rivals Dash’s talent show performance. It was minutely offensive, but it’s not something we’d throw you overboard for,” the white unicorn attempted to make Twilight feel better.

Twilight smiled and silently thanked her for the compliment.

“Woah! Hold on! That song’s got nothing on the new one I’m writing!” the rainbow-maned pegasus shot back.

“Ooh, Ooh, Ooh! What’s it called? Is it called ‘RainBOw Dash: Everypony Thinks I’m Gay Part 2’?! Or,or is it ‘RainBOw Dash: Everypony Thinks I’m Gay Part 2: The Song That I Wrote To Beat Twilight’s Song Because I’m Competitive And I Wanna Prove That I Have Better Wordplay And Lyricism Skills Than An Egghead’!? Am I right?! Huh? Huh? Huh?” Pinkie continued to guess and hopping up and down in excitement.

Rainbow just laughed at her and tackled her. Fluttershy smiled softly as she watched the two close friends wrestling on the ground. Everything seemed to be coming together again…

Like this never happened.

As Applejack trotted over to pick up her guitar with her teeth, she turned back to Twilight and the others:

“C’mon sugarcube, let’s go get somethin’ to eat,”

Her friends’ smiles reassured the librarian wasn’t in any kind of trouble. They didn’t mind the song she wrote after all. It seemed like everything was cleared up and even Fluttershy managed to give her a confident smile, rare for the demure pegasus. Maybe today wasn’t so bad after all. Everypony began to leave the tree house.

“Its lunchtime…I’m hungry,” Twilight realized as she galloped to join her friends.