Clash of the Pie-tans

by Shamrock95

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Thunderlane, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Soarin
Length: 2277

Thunderlane goes up against Soarin in the ultimate battle of endurance.

The Sweet Apple Acres Pie-Eating Contest is here, and Thunderlane has made a bet with Cloudchaser that he can win it. Of course, he didn't count on his opponent being the reigning champion...

Contains: fat stallions, overeating, stuffing.

Done as part of a trade with 1987snave on dA.

Published 2016-08-13 09:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-13 09:50:01 UTC

Chapter the Only

Sweet Apple Acres was abuzz with activity, as ponies made their way down the path towards the farm and into one of the empty fields. In the field, a small grandstand had been set up, overlooking a table with two chairs. Next to the table was a catering trolley, covered with a white cloth. All the preparations were in place for the annual Sweet Apple Acres Pie-Eating Contest.

"Thanks for coming, everypony!" Applejack said, smiling widely as she greeted the ponies coming in. "Alright, all of y'all watching the contest head over to the stands. Anypony participating, wait here."

"That'd be me."

Applejack looked up to see a charcoal pegasus stallion with a Mohawk-styled blue mane standing before her.

"Well, hey there, Thunderlane," she greeted him. "Tryin' your luck again this year, huh?"

"Sure did," Thunderlane nodded. "I made a bet with Cloudchaser that I could beat Big Mac this year. Twenty bits. And I have been in pretty deep training for the past couple of weeks, so..." He smirked.

"Like that's gonna help you," came a new voice from behind them. Cloudchaser stood there with a smug smile on her face, her sister Flitter not far behind her. "I mean, you are the same stallion who threw up after about three pies last year. Even Fluttershy managed more than that." She chuckled.

"Ah, but that was last year," Thunderlane pointed out, smiling at her. "This year, I'm going to wipe the floor with him. I've been drinking three gallons of water a night specially to expand my stomach capacity. This baby..." He patted his stomach. "...can house a darned warehouse's worth of food. So you better have my money ready, Cloudy."

"Don't call me that," Cloudchaser snapped, blushing. "And we'll soon see who's eating their words, Thunderlame."

"Really?" Thunderlane cackled. "That's the best you can-"

"Hey, you two!" Applejack interjected, looking irritated. "Ah hate to burst yer bubbles here, but Big Mac ain't competing this year anyhow. He's sick with pony pox."

"Really?" Cloudchaser blinked. "Well, what now, Thunderlane? Is the bet off?"

"Is it, heck!" Thunderlane snorted. "I'll just go up against whoever's replacing him."

"Ya sure about that, sugarcube?" Applejack said slowly, looking at the list before her. "Because the next pony on the list is our special guest star, and I really don't think you want to-"

"Yes, I do!" Thunderlane interrupted, puffing out his chest. "I don't back down from a challenge."

"Now, that's the true Wonderbolt spirit, there," came a third new voice.

Thunderlane turned around and gasped, as did Cloudchaser and Flitter. Standing in front of them was a very familiar light blue pegasus stallion with a navy mane and tail, grinning widely at them. Standing next to him was a yellow mare with a mane of fiery orange.

"Soarin? Spitfire?" Thunderlane gasped. "Holy heck! What are you doing here?"

"Me? I'm here for the pie-eating contest. What else?" Soarin replied.

"Ya see, Thunderlane," Applejack explained, "Rainbow Dash got Soarin here to come compete in this year's contest. She figured it'd be a good way of pulling in spectators."

"And a little free publicity can't do any harm," Spitfire added.

Suddenly, there was an ice cube where Thunderlane's stomach should have been. He swallowed, hard.

"Y-you?" he asked flatly. "You're competing?"

"Yep," Soarin replied proudly. "Winner of the Cloudsdale Pie-Off for four years running, and voted 'Most Likely to Get Too Fat to Fly' at the Academy. No stallion puts away pie like I can."

"So I've heard..." Thunderlane groaned.

Cloudchaser smirked. "It's not too late to back out, Thunderlane."

Immediately, Thunderlane's resolve hardened. Like Tartarus he was going to lose face in front of Cloudchaser. He turned and glared at her.

"Double or nothing."

"Your money," Cloudchaser shrugged. "C'mon, Flitter, let's go get a good seat."

"An' as for you two," Applejack said to Soarin and Thunderlane, "I suggest you take your places at the table."

"Okay, okay," Thunderlane said quietly to himself, as he followed Soarin to the table. "This is no big deal. I'm just about to take on Soarin of the Wonderbolts in a pie-eating contest with eighty bits at stake. Nothing to get worked up over."

"You excited, Thunderlane?" Soarin grinned. "I have to say, I am. Not only do I get to chow down on some awesome pie, I hear the proceeds are all gonna go to restoring Sweet Apple Acres. Feels good to help a good cause, doesn't it?"

"Um... yeah, it does, it does." Thunderlane swallowed. "Listen, Soarin... I need to ask you a favour."

"Alright, shoot," Soarin nodded.

"You heard me making that bet with Cloudchaser back there, right?" Thunderlane explained. "I normally wouldn't dream of asking this, but... do you think you could maybe let me win this one? Eighty bits isn't money I can afford to lose at the moment."

"Oh Celestia, no," Soarin said, looking shocked. "I could never throw a competition, Thunderlane. That'd go against everything I stand for as an athlete and as a Wonderbolt. It's part of the code—only frauds and hucksters throw games."

"It's hardly the Wonderbolt Derby," Thunderlane pointed out.

"Even so," Soarin insisted, shaking his head. "Not to mention I'd basically be conning your friend out of her money. I'm sorry, Thunderlane, it just goes against my morals. No can do."

Thunderlane closed his eyes and groaned. "Perfect. Just gosh-dang perfect."

"Hey, maybe you'll win," Soarin said reassuringly. "Most of my pie-eating records were back in my younger days. I'm not as spry as I once was when it comes to competitive eating."

Thunderlane raised an eyebrow. "How old are you, exactly?"

Soarin was about to answer when an ear-piercing burst of microphone feedback seared through their ears, causing them and most of the crowd to cringe and grit their teeth. An elderly but strong mare's voice came over it as Granny Smith, matriarch of the Apple family, greeted the audience.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," she announced, "welcome to this year's Sweet Apple Acres Pie-Eating Contest. I'd just like to take the opportunity to thank y'all kindly for the proceeds that will go towards keepin' this here farm afloat. Never let it be said that Ponyville would let anypony down in their time of need!"

This drew a few cheers and whistles from the crowd.

"Alright, alright, settle down there," Granny continued. "Now then, let me introduce our first contestant. First of all, fillin' in for defending champion Big Mac who unfortunately couldn't be here today, we have local Ponyville Weather Team coordinator, Thunderlane."

Thunderlane swallowed again as the crowd applauded and cheered. Gonna be real bad if I screw up in front of the whole town...

"And our second contestant is our very special guest. All the way from Cloudsdale, we have Soarin of the Wonderbolts!"

A much louder cheer went up for Soarin, as he grinned and waved at the crowd. Calm, happy, in his element, he could not have been more at odds with the nervous, sweating Thunderlane beside him.

"And finally, lemme introduce our referee for this here match; Meadow Song, who will go over the rules for us."

A chestnut earth pony stallion dressed in a black and white-striped shirt approached them.

"Okay, gentlecolts, here are the rules," he said briskly. "You will be given a total of thirty pies between you. You both have ten minutes to see who can eat the most. I want a good, clean fight, understand? No spitting, no shoving, no taunting."

Both Thunderlane and Soarin nodded affirmatively. With that, Meadow Song reached over and whipped off the cloth covering the trolley, revealing thirty perfectly-baked apple pies, their glaze shining lightly in the early afternoon sun. Thunderlane balked when he saw how many there were as they were laid out on the table. Soarin, on the other hoof, licked his lips eagerly.

"Ready?" Meadow Song asked.

"Ready," Soarin replied. Thunderlane was just about to consider forfeiting... until he caught a glimpse of Cloudchaser in the crowd, smirking at him.

He gritted his teeth. "Ready."

"Alright," Meadow said, raising his voice for the crowd to hear. "Three... two... one... go!"

And with that, the battle was on. Soarin immediately pulled over a pie and practically shoved his face into it, eating noisily and with complete abandon. Thunderlane could only watch in awe at the speed he showed. He'd heard of Soarin's aptitude for pie-eating, but to actually witness it in person was something else entirely.

Thunderlane briefly snapped out of his shock when he realised... he was already a pie down and he hadn't even started yet! With the motivation of eighty bits and rubbing Cloudchaser's face in it driving him, Thunderlane reached out to grab a pie, only to collide with a light-blue hoof.

"Hey, get off!" Thunderlane snapped, trying to wrestle the pie away.

"I saw it first!" Soarin countered.

"Let go!"

"No!"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Meadow Song leapt in, forcefully separating the pair. "Break it up!" he shouted. Once he was satisfied that the two were pacified, he signalled with a hoof for the match to continue.

A fire had been lit under Thunderlane by now. He knew that his chances of beating Soarin were slim, but damn if he wasn't going to try. No way he'd give Cloudchaser the satisfaction of watching him choke.

With a growl, Thunderlane picked up two pies and started taking huge chunks out of them, chewing with his mouth wide open and sending half-masticated bits of pie flying everywhere. Soarin blinked in surprise. "Wow... talk about a second wind."

Up in the stands, Flitter echoed his sentiments. "You think Thunderlane can win this, Cloudy?"

Cloudchaser shook her head. "Beginner's luck. He's going down, just you wait."

"Come on, Soarin!" Spitfire shouted from just in front of them. "Don't let him catch you up!"

Both Thunderlane and Soarin were impervious to the cheers and cries of the crowd. All they knew were the pies before them, and the heat of the competition. They both continued to stuff themselves, shooting each other glares as they became lost in the competition—Thunderlane determined to salvage his pride, Soarin determined to keep his undefeated streak going.

"That comes down to five pies each!" Meadow Song shouted, to cheers from the crowd.

Five pies? Really? Thunderlane thought. Now that he knew how far in he was, he became uncomfortably aware of just how full he was feeling. His stomach felt decidedly packed, with pangs of pain telling him that now would be a good time to stop.

"No!" he grunted. "Gotta... keep... going..."

Next to him, Soarin was starting to sweat a little himself, rubbing his slightly distended stomach. "Oh man, I really am getting too old for this," he muttered, before shoving his face into yet another pie.

Soon, Soarin led by six pies to five, then Thunderlane caught up with six to six, before briefly taking the lead with seven pies to six. After a rally from Soarin, the score soon sat at Soarin eight, Thunderlane seven. They were halfway through the pies.

By now, both stallion's stomachs had distended noticeably, sticking out a couple of inches as they were packed full of pastry. Both of them looked to be in some discomfort, too, although Soarin looked nowhere near as bad as Thunderlane, who was sweating and gasping for air.

"Oh Celestia," he groaned. "I've n-never felt so full in my life. I c-can't finish..." Then he narrowed his eyes. "No! Gotta k-keep going... gotta show Cloudchaser who's boss..."

Soarin was developing a newfound respect for Thunderlane as he watched him reach out with trembling hooves for yet another pie. True Tartarus-may-care spirit, right there. It was going to take more than that to get Soarin to give up his title of reigning pie champion, though. And so the two gladiators continued to gorge themselves.

"Thunderlane fourteen, Soarin fourteen!" Meadow yelled. By now, the crowd had been whipped into a frenzy. This really could go either way! A small-town rookie might be about to pull off an incredible upset! Up in the stands, Cloudchaser was looking decidedly uncomfortable, chewing her lip nervously.

"Come on, Soarin..." she muttered.

Thunderlane was in more pain than he'd ever been in his life. Before him, just two small bits of pie remained, in two separate trays. If he ate those, he'd win... he'd actually win! But he was so stuffed... his stomach had reached the proportions of a beach ball with how much pie he'd packed away in there. He couldn't give up! Not now, not when he was so close...

With a gasp and the last of his energy, Thunderlane shoved both bits of pie in his mouth simultaneously, chewed labouriously, then swallowed with a gulp that was audible throughout the entire field. With that done, he promptly slumped onto the table with a loud bang.

"Thunderlane wins, sixteen to fourteen!" Meadow yelled, holding up Thunderlane's limp hoof, and the crowd went nuts. Cloudchaser sat with her eyes wide open and her jaw agape, oblivious to how her sister was cheering and whooping as loudly as everypony else. Below them, Spitfire blinked a couple of times in surprise.

"Well now," she murmured. "A rookie beating the reigning champion in a straight fight. That's... not quite an academy record, but still darned impressive."

"Ooh... hey," Soarin grunted, slapping Thunderlane on the back with a hoof while rubbing his own distended belly with the other. "Hey, you won, man!"

"I... I did, didn't I?" Thunderlane moaned, smiling. "And I got eighty bits out of it, hehe. I... ugh..."

"Yeah?" Soarin asked.

"I think I need a stomach pump."

END