Small Stick Diplomacy

by SecretAgentPlotTwist

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3360

Celestia has declared the end of her isolationist policy. A meeting is called to create diplomatic ties with outside nations. It doesn't go to plan. It doesn't go anything close to the plan.

After the decision to end Equestria’s isolationist policy, Celestia calls a meeting to start creating diplomatic ties with outside nations.

Unfortunately, this meeting goes nothing like she expected. Nothing at all like she expected.

Proofread by the wonderful Soren Mercer and docontra

Published 2016-08-13 11:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-13 11:30:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Celestia’s meeting room was surprisingly nice. It had a long table that could cater for a wide array of ponies or creatures, the large windows let in a good amount natural light and a pleasant breeze, and its comfy seats made it perfect for long, tedious meetings.

And while she was perfectly happy with waiting for her guests to arrive—she was early, after all—it didn’t stop her from becoming rather nervous.

This nervousness was an unusual feeling for her, especially for diplomatic matters. Being the strongest nation by far for miles upon miles meant these meeting were usually low stakes. In fact, they were normally just to give her approval of a vassal’s new leader, something that was much more ceremonial than anything else.

The last meeting she held here that had any real consequence happened hundreds of years ago, and that was just a neutrality pact between them and the griffins of the north; something they couldn’t exactly refuse with an army outnumbered four to one by hers.

Still, there had been many occasions in her past where she held meetings whose outcome would greatly affect the future of her Kingdom. But, at the very least, she knew what she was getting into with those meetings. This time she was going in completely blind.

The decision to end Equestria's isolationism and establish contact with outside nations was immediately followed with the question ‘what outside nations’. And to be perfectly honest, she had no idea.

She still had no idea. Who was coming was still a mystery to her. The entire arrangement had been organised by head figures in the south-eastern trading province of Singahorse. Ponies who can not shut up about how direct trade with outside nations has made them the richest province in all of Equestria.

Being the only ponies who have constant direct contact with outside creatures made them the only ones who could actually arrange such a meeting.

They had, regrettably, run into a surprising number problems. So much so, they couldn’t tell her who was actually coming, or what number. They only guaranteed that a representative from some of the far western Pony settlements—ponies who have long lost contact with Equestria—would be returning for the meeting.

But, Celestia almost liked the mystery of it all, it got her excited. She couldn’t help but wonder about all the little or potentially rather large kingdoms that lay out there. She knew that there had to be something beyond the unexplored lands that surrounded her. The realm of possibilities was endless.

“Erm, I think this may be it.”

Celestia was snapped out of her train of thought by the soft and slightly flustered voice of someone in the hall.

Celestia raised her head just in time to see a head pop in through the gap between the two doors—a head with a very flashy hat—as he turned to see Celestia. There was an initial shock that he quickly got past, and motioned whoever he was with to come in after him.

“Sir, yes, I believe this is the correct door.” he said. The flustered voice was seemingly a characteristic of his.

Upon him entering into the room fully, Celestia could clearly see he was just a normal earth pony, albeit a very well dressed one. He was carrying a rather large saddlebag, something that also looked high quality.

But even with his flashy clothes, his bad posture and stillness gave him a serious lack of presence. Celestia felt that if she didn’t try and keep a note on him, she’d forget he was there.

A couple seconds later his companion entered behind him. While he was also an earth pony, his dress sense made the former pony look like someone in rags.

He was draped in colorful fabrics under an equally colourful waistcoat, covered in sparkling jewelry and gold, topped off with a large red beret. Every fiber of it seemed to be of high quality, which fitted in with his well-groomed face.

His mannerisms were different as well. While his companion seemed to disappear, he drew the eye. Standing tall, he had an air of confidence, yet his charming smile was devoid of any cockiness, only an undeniable charm.

“Hello your majesty,” he said, giving a bow, “I am Valour Shipson, and this is my assistant, Virtue Black. We have been sent on behalf of, what I believe you call, the far western kingdoms. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

Celestia's initial thought was that they had rather weird names, but decided not to mention it. There was no reason names would stay similar after such a long time separated, after all.

She smiled at them. “The pleasure is all mine. Would you like a cup of tea?” She pointed at the teapot and cups on the opposite side of the table.

“Oh, yes please. Never can say no to a good cuppa.” He returned the smile before sitting down to pour himself a cup of tea. His companion decided to stand next to him.

“Well, Valour—”

“Please, call me Shipson.”

“Shipson, you seem to be the first to arrive. We can get down to business once some more diplomats arrive.”

Shipsons head tilted, giving her a confused look. “Other diplomats?” He questioned. “Oh, yes, of course, you still think this is a meeting of all the countries outside your kingdom.”

“Still think?”Celestia stiffened up slightly, visibly taken aback and confused by the statement.

“Yeah, sorry about all this. It was all rushed together very quickly.” He chuckled. “To be fair, it was a huge panic once we found out. Emergency meetings were called, files from who knows when were dug up, and I, like many others, had no idea what to do. It was a real mess and a half.”

“Shipson, I recommend that you start making sense and explain yourself,” Celestia commanded with a stern tone. “Where are the other diplomats?”

There was a moment of hesitation. Shipson regretted talking too casually about what Celestia did not know, so he decided to get down to business. “Your highness, we’re the only ones coming.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“This may come as a surprise for you, but I haven’t been sent here to form any diplomatic ties with your nation. How should I say this best? I’m here to tell you the truth about your isolationism.”

Celestia raised a skeptical eyebrow at his statement but made no objection.

“Black, get the globe please.” His assistant nodded and began to search through his saddlebag.

“The truth is I’m actually on a chair of a state of affairs for our international parliament,” he explained. “The ‘Equestrian internal and foreign affairs office’, or ‘Equestrian affairs’ as it’s more commonly known. Our job is to use everything in our power to control your relations with foreign nations, while also helping internal developments.”

The air of the room went thin. Shipson could feel Celestia's stare pierce him, prompting him to quickly explain himself.

“Celestia, I can assure you we have done nothing to Intrude on your sovereignty. Everything that’s been done has been done to allow you to continue your isolationist policy, something that would have been impossible without our help.”

Celestia went to question him, but was interrupted when Black placed what he was looking for on the table.

It was a sphere with a metal rod through it, covered in what looked like maps. It was one of the most unusual things Celestia had ever seen, and that’s saying something.

“This is a globe,” Shipson explained. “It maps the whole world. All the locations of landmarks and coastal patterns done to incredible accuracy.”

Celestia lent in to give it a better look. “Why is it round?” She asked.

Shipson shot another worried look at Black. “That’s probably something I should explain later.”

He then turned the globe and pointed to a big section of the map painted red, with a blue ocean through the middle of it. “This is the extent of what was once the far western settlements,” he explained, “Around about seventy percent of all the creatures living there are from that original expedition.”

He turned it again slightly, hoof pointing to places labeled ‘cloudy mountains’, ‘dark wasteland’, and ‘dark oak forests’, but eventually got a small shaded out bit which he double tapped. “This, your majesty, is Equestria.”

Celestia stared at the small grey region. A frown appeared on her face. She turned back to Shipson, expecting him to laugh or simply retract his statement. Instead, she was greeted by a firm and serious look.

“...No.” She finally said, unsure in herself.

“Afraid so.”

“But it’s a fraction the size of the far western kingdoms.”

“A sixteenth the size to be exact.”

Her frown went almost distraught. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, it didn’t make any sense.

“How can that have happened?” She half asked, half demanded an answer. “There were only so many of you when the settlers made the journey past the wasteland.”

“Indeed, but you would not believe how much fertile land there is past those mountains, it’s the perfect land to expand through.” He almost sounded proud of his homeland’s location.

“Geographically speaking,” he continued, “Equestria is in a terrible place. Sure, the actual land is pretty good, but it’s completely surrounded by uninhabitable land for miles in all directions. It’s led to substantially less expansion on your part.”

“B-But—” Celestia’s mind was scrambling for reasons this couldn’t be true. “—surely our population should have still grown. You all couldn’t have taken over us in population that much.”

“While that sounds like it should really be correct, in reality the opposite is true. In fact your population has remained fairly constant through these few thousand years, while ours has grown exponentially, mainly due to free space and a high level of food output.

“Sure, when it came down to food, we did start off at a disadvantage. Our settlement was solely Earth Pony, meaning we couldn’t optimize crop output through weather control, but certain inventions have meant that now our farms are about four times more efficient and farmers are able to tend five times the size as your system.”

“Excuse me sir,” Black softly interjected, “But it’s the other way round. Five times more efficient and four times larger.”

“Oh, sorry, thank you for the correction.”

Black nodded his head and a satisfied smile emerged on his face.“It’s what I’m here for, sir.”

Celestia just stared at the two of them, unable to believe those numbers were correct. “What kind of inventions?”

“Tractors, chemical fertilizers, those kind of things.”

She raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “I am unaware of these devices.”

Shipson looked half as confused as Celestia for a second. He turned to Black. “I could have sworn we had introduced fertilizers at least.”

“Not completely sir. We’ve only introduced test runs in selected villages, so it would be understandable if she hadn’t heard of it.”

Celestia’s expression turned stern. “‘Introduced test runs?’”

There was a flash of worry on Shipson’s eyes, but he covered it with a charismatic smile. “I think now is a good time to explain the second objective of the Equestrian council.”

“Yes,” Celestia said through gritted teeth. “I would highly advise that.”

He gave an awkward chuckle and tugged on his waistcoat for breath. “A big issue that came apparent when we initially picked up trade with your empire again was how much your technology had lacked behind ours.”

“And by lacked, I mean there were stories of Equestrian ponies thinking our sailors were monsters because they didn’t believe a ship could be so big. So, we have over the past couple hundred years been slowly introducing new technologies to help you catch up.”

“Like what?”

“The initial effort was teaching your ponies how to make bigger ships so they’d stop being scared of ours. But we’ve also introduced basic machinery and materials like plastic and cement. We even had a big push to industrialize your weather factories, something that may have been an extension of our own weather research program.

“Granted, it hasn’t always been perfect,” he admitted. “We recently had a huge mess up where we invested in long railway connections across Equestria, and a couple years later found out we hadn’t introduced coal engines.”

He chuckled. “It turned out you had ponies dragging them like carriages the whole time. It was honestly an embarrassing failure for all of us. But, technology introduction has historically been all done very well and produced great results.”

Celestia stared at him for a second. “But I thought those were all inventions made by our ponies.”

Shipson chuckled before immediately realising how rude his actions were and stopped himself. “Celestia, I don’t wish to offend. Your ponies are now very well educated in all things from mathematics to engineering, but it wasn’t like that when we came here.”

“You changed our education system as well,” she snapped.

“We had to.” He was beginning to sound defensive. “Do you even remember the civil code you used to have? It meant that anyone who wanted an education had to pass a difficult test early on in their life. It was a system practically designed so only the wealthy elite, who could afford to tutor their colts and fillies, could get an education.”

Celestia went to defend her old system, but quickly realised it was indefensible.

“And even those who got the education only learnt about magic and literature. We introduced state schools and universities that taught maths and science at great expense.”

Celestia took a long breath, doing her best hide her frustration. “So, all this ‘generous’ technology lending, has it allowed us to catch up with your civilisation?”

He gave her an awkward smile. “Well, seeing how we’ve been pursuing a slow and non-damaging introduction here, while our technology and industry have been snowballing. The short answer is no, not at all.”

“Then what is the point,” Celestia spat. “Coming here with your ‘gifts’, acting as though you’re the pinnacle of civilisation. Why do you have such better technologies that you can throw in our face? We’ve adapted and used them, as you said, but you still call us unready. What makes you better than us?”

“We’re not better than you. We got lucky, okay,” he snapped back.

Celestia went silent, suddenly regretting her outburst.

Shipson rubbed his face, letting out a little groan before looking Celestia in the eyes. “We got lucky. It only so happened that we had so much land to expand to. That those expansions allowed for trade we became rich off. Funded our science, our ships, we made further expansions.

“We found creatures who did not have the technologies we had. They were exploited, alienated from our moral code. It only made us richer, led to more expansions; more exploitation. It was a vicious snowball that led to more trade and industrialisation.

“Our old social order became inefficient. Bloody revolutions sprang to topple it, and the wars between old and new raged on for decades. And once the dust had settled: we were only stronger, more sure of ourselves, more arrogant.

“Expansion, exploitation, war. That was what our self proclaimed civilizing mission led to, and all to fund our own industrialisation. A few great powers locked in together, with weapons of a new age we had created but were yet to understand. It was only a matter of time since we had the bloodiest and most destructive war of all time.”

The meeting went silent. Shipson had gone fidgety and was in some obvious distress, while the Princess was at a complete loss for words.

“We are in no way better than you,” he finally said. “We’re so unsure of ourselves now. I don’t know if anyone can consider us good in general.”

He sighed. “If I’m completely honest, our ponies have been beginning to idealise your land. They dream of a world far away from our wars, poverty, and smog.”

He let out a half sad chuckle. “Have you ever seen smog? It’s the worst. One of the main reasons I agreed to come here was to escape the smog filled streets of the capital.”

Celestia stared at him for a moment. “Shipson, are you alright?” she asked, feeling bad for the obviously distressed stallion.

He waved off the concern. “I’m fine, really. This is about the future of Equestria anyway, not time to listen to the rant of someone exhausted by war.”

He motioned to Black, who began looking through his bag again. “Now, I understand this is all a lot to take in, and right now you probably need some time alone to mull over your position. Luckily, I’ve brought you something that may help.”

Black took out a book from his bag and handed it over to Celestia.

She took a second to examine the book.“‘Equestria: what it can learn from us, and what we can learn from it,’” she read aloud. “‘By Valour Shipson.’”

“It’s just something I worked on because of my time on the Equestrian Affairs Office,” he said nonchalantly. “It’s done pretty well, and I’d like to think it’s been pretty influential in certain intellectual circles. That’s a signed copy by the way.”

Celestia raised her eyebrows with a chuckle. “Well, thank you Shipson. I’ll be sure to read it before I make any final decisions on the matter.”

“Speaking of final decision making, one of the recommendations I put in there is the creation of a parliament. Just think you should consider it,” he added, just before getting up to leave.

“Shipson, before you go, may I ask you a question?” Celestia asked politely.

“Of course.”

“Why is it your kingdoms have decided to help ours in this way? What was it that stopped us being exploited like the other creatures you found?”

“Well, speciesism has quite a lot to do with it,” he replied with an almost bitter chuckle. “But I think it was also because we came from here. Our history is here. We can recite tales and legends that were written here.

“I guess it forced us to see you all as part of us, not ‘uncivilized’ creatures that needed ‘re-educating’, but ponies that didn’t have the advantage of chance that we had, and could use our help to lead better lives.”

Celestia gave an understanding nod. “Thank you Shipson. It’s been a pleasure meeting you. When you weren’t turning my world view on its head, that is.”

“The pleasure is all mine, your Majesty.” He gave the princess a smile, one that she noticed to be more friendly than his characteristic charming one. “I hope next time we meet it’s over a more pleasant matter.”

She returned the smile. “I hope so too.”

Shipson gave a little nod as he exited the door, and was quickly followed by his assistant.

“Excuse me, Black?”

He stopped and turned back. “Yes, your Majesty?”

“Did the far western kingdoms really take part in such bad exploitation?”

Black smiled. “Do not worry. Shipson is bit of a lefty. The slave trade wasn’t nearly as bad as he made it out to be.”

Celestia found herself shocked at the statement, but she did her best to cover it up.

“Pleasant day to you, Black,” she forced out.

“You too, your Majesty.” He quickly followed his companion out of the room

Celestia sat still for a moment, a lot less sure about, well, anything than she was before this meeting.

Black’s statement also unnerved her. It made her feel a lot less safe about meeting others from the outside world, and relying on help that was funded through such immoral means.

For a moment, she considered if there was any way she could modernise her kingdom by herself. Done through the work of her subjects, instead of relying on their help. And so, she opened Shipson’s book.

At its core, if Equestria is ever to effectively modernise, the most important thing it needs to a establish is a functioning democracy.

Celestia slammed the book closed.

Isolationism it is then.