There was no celebration in Equestria that matched the significance of Princess Celestia’s birthday. Ponies from all across the land trekked to Canterlot to partake in what was undoubtedly the biggest birthday party in Equestria.
A long line stretched from the entrance of the castle, and it was moving very slowly. Twilight Sparkle wasn’t sure why this was happening at first. When she and her friends finally made it to the front of the line, however, it all started to make sense.
“Ma’am, please show us your bags for a moment,” droned the guard pony on the right.
Twilight magicked her saddlebags to the guard and let him inspect its contents. Meanwhile, the guard on the left approached her. Magic engulfed his unicorn horn and he dragged it lightly over various parts of her body. When that was done, he started petting her.
“Um, what’re you—“
He patted her quickly, across her side, her belly, her chest, and both her flanks. He looked back at his companion and nodded.
“You may enter,” said the guard as he finished with her bags.
Applejack came next.
“Ma’am, you can’t bring that to the party.”
Applejack gaped. “Are you talkin’ ‘bout this apple juice?”
“That’s a potential weapon, and we’re going to have to confiscate it.”
“That’s nonsense! Apple’s ain’t never hurt nopony!”
“Anything that can be made into a bomb is strictly forbidden from entering Canterlot castle.”
“I ain’t gonna make no bomb! I’m jus’ thirsty!”
“Well, you can either discard that juice box, give it to me, or you can keep it and force us to touch your vagina.”
“What?” Applejack leaped in shock.
“Also, butthole.”
“What?”
“To make sure there’s no trunk in your junk for turning apple juice into bombs.” He turned to his companion. “Do you want to touch her junk?” The other one opened his mouth, but he didn't get to speak. “See?" The guard hurried on. "He clearly doesn’t. But he’ll have to, if you don’t discard that juice box. That would make him a sad, sad pony.”
Applejack averted her eyes from the guard as she tossed her half-empty juice aside. She walked into the castle, grumbling while the unicorn stuck his glowing horn towards her as she passed. Again, he nodded at his companion.
“I don’t believe this!” Applejack burst as soon as she met Twilight. “They made me throw out perfectly good apple juice jus’ ‘cause they think somepony could turn it into a bomb!”
Twilight looked at her in disbelief. “Wow.” She looked back at the entrance, and watched as Fluttershy cringed beneath her own pat-down. “I get that security’s important and all, but….”
They waited for each of their friends to pass through security. Fluttershy came back noticeably unnerved. Rainbow Dash looked like she had her jimmies somewhat rustled. Pinkie Pie, though, was grinning ear-to-ear, completely unaffected.
Rarity was the last one to step up the entrance. She wasn’t wearing any fancy dresses for this occasion, since the Princess’s party wasn’t technically a formal event. Regardless, she had done up her mane in spectacular fashion with the aid of a shiny, gem-studded accessory.
“Ma’am, would you please remove that metal hair piece.”
Rarity gave the guard a horrified look. “Heavens, no! Do you know how long I spent fixing my mane up like this? Removing it would ruin everything!”
The unicorn guard frowned. “Ma’am, how am I supposed to find out where you’re hiding the bomb when your accessory is screwing with my metal-detecting spell.”
“I don’t have a bomb! Why would I bring such an awful thing to the princess’s birthday?”
“Sorry, but we have to assume that any metal we detect is a deadly weapon.”
“But I don’t even have any bags or pockets or anything to hide a weapon with!” She dug her hoof around in her mane, ruffling it up just a little bit. “See! Nothing!”
The guard just sighed. “That’s it. I’m going in.” He walked around to Rarity’s behind. While he raised back his hoof, the unicorn guard rushed over to pull up Rarity’s tail.
Rarity’s eyes turned into saucers.
A high, girlish squeal echoed into the castle, and big cloud of conflict covered Rarity and the guards, accompanied by various neighs and fighting sounds. The five friends watched the spectacle in agonized disbelief.
Then Pinkie Pie broke in, “Well, I know I’m excited for the Princess’s party! I told ya ‘bout my super secret surprise fun treat for the princess, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, like a million times,” groaned Rainbow Dash.
Suddenly, the cloud dissipated, and into the castle came two unicorn guards with a squirming, venom-spitting Rarity levitating in the air in front of them.
“Unhand me, you ruffians! This is not what I would have expected from castle guard ponies!”
“Hey, what’re ya’ll doin’ wit’ Rarity?” Applejack yelled.
“All suspected terrorists must be questioned before being let into the party. Don’t worry. It shouldn’t take long.”
“Put me down! I was defending myself from that horrid guardspony! Didn’t you see what he was doing? Why I’d never….”
Rarity and the guards soon disappeared in the crowds of guests. The five remaining friends looked deeply concerned.
Twilight stomped her hoof. “That’s it! I’m getting to the bottom of this!”
She weaved through the crowds of ponies milling around the castle. There were guards directing them to the location of the main event in the castle’s Great Hall. When Twilight stepped through the doors with her friends right behind her, she looked down towards the end of the room and found her target standing not too far off from Princess Celestia’s seat.
“Shining Armor!”
The white pegasus smiled as his sister galloped towards him. “Twily! It’s great to see—“
“Your guards molested my best friend and accused her of being a terrorist!”
His smiled died immediately. “Did they, now?”
“What’s going on, Shining?” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Is there another threat against Canterlot? I understand security’s important, but those guards made us very uncomfortable.”
He shook his head solemnly. “No, Twilight, there hasn’t been any official threats. However, that doesn’t mean we’re not vulnerable.”
He turned away from Twilight for a moment. He let his eyes fall upon one pink alicorn standing across the hall, conversing energetically with somepony he couldn’t see. “You may not realize this, Twilight, but this whole kingdom changed on my wedding day. My failure to protect Canterlot from the changelings, being mind-warped by that thing...it took away my freedom, Twilight." He looked back to her with a very serious expression. "Freedom itself was attacked that day. The changelings are still out there, ready to try again at any moment. So I’m making extra sure that nopony gets hurt today.”
“But surely you can protect the princess without violating basic rights.”
“I’m protecting Equestria’s freedom, Twily. And, I’m sorry, but that that’s way more important than rights.”
“But—but—“
Shining Armor just chuckled as he dropped a foreleg on her shoulder. “You’ll get it one day, little sis. You’re a smart pony.”
A trumpet sounded, and everypony looked towards the back of the chamber where a unicorn stood playing it. He lowered the instrument with his magic and started speaking. “We are gathered today for our beloved princess’s birthday! It is now time for her subjects to present their gifts to her. Anypony who would like to go first?”
“Ooh! Ooh! Me me me me me!”
“Very well! Present yourself, pink earth pony.”
Pinkie Pie hopped out of the crowd and wound up before Princess Celestia herself.
“Hello again, Pinkie Pie,” the princess greeted, smiling. “What fun gift have you brought for me today?”
“Only the best for my favorite princess!”
She pulled it out of absolutely nowhere. She was now standing on her hind legs because her front hooves held a huge, pink, glittery, ball. It certainly looked like a ball, but anypony with decent vision would have been able to see the long piece of string that dangled from the top.
“Ta-dah!” she cried. “For you, Princess Celestia, I present my super fantabulous, extra special Pinkie Party—“
“BOMB!” Shining Armor shouted in terror.
Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes. “Wait—where did she--?”
Guardsponies burst from the crowd like ninjas and pounced on Pinkie Pie. Before she could react, the guards pushed her to the ground and knocked the bomb out of her hooves. Before it could hit the ground, magic light burst upon Shining Armor’s horn subsequently stopped the bomb in its tracks.
“Whew!” He levitated it carefully towards himself. “Crisis averted!”
“Oh no! Pinkie Pie!”
At least a dozen guards were busy ghetto-stomping Pinkie Pie. After about five minutes, they finally backed off. One of them turned to Shining Armor and saluted. “The terrorist has been neutralized!”
“Great job, guys.” He stomped on the ground victoriously. “You did your princess proud!”
The four friends gaped in horror. Pinkie Pie had turned into a bleeding, pink pancake! Seriously! She had taken so many stomps to the head that bits of her skull pierced through her head and her brains had pushed her eyeballs right out of their sockets! It was like prolapse for skull fucking!
They rushed up to her as fast as they could. “Pinkie Pie! Say something!” cried Rainbow Dash.
She coughed up a bunch of her bloodied teeth and then died on the spot.
Twilight turned on her brother. “YOU KILLED PINKIE PIE!”
“That couldn’t have been Pinkie!” He stomped his hoof in emphasis. “Would your friend bring a bomb to the princess’s birthday? Clearly this was a changeling!”
“That. Was. Her. Party Bomb!”
Magic burst onto Twilight’s horn, and all the sudden the fuse on the big pink bomb was lit.
“No, Twilight! That’s gonna—“
Instead of death and fire, balloons and streamers and confetti exploded out of the top of the bomb. The party stuff rained down on everypony in the chamber, there was still more confetti flying out of the bomb.
When it was all done, a confetti covered Shining Armor finally dropped it. He looked absolutely mind-blown. “Uh….”
His sister, her friends, his wife all the way across the room, and even Princess Celestia were all looking at him with severe disappointment.
“Oh, come on!” he yelled indignantly. “You can’t take chances with national security! Greater good and shit, man!”
Then suddenly, some random pony got on his troll face and transformed into an even bigger bomb! “ALALALALALALALALA!” cried the bomb.
“OH SH—“
The bomb exploded, and everypony died. The end.
