I sit atop the Planck-thin divide between this world and that world and those worlds and that world too. I lay nestled in the (0,0,0,0,...) coordinates, the Origin Point, the center of Everything. Infinitely finite, endless in sight, I gaze out towards the multiverse in search of amusement, to wile away the boredom of eternity. This is what I saw and what I had to say about it.
“Court is now in session! All rise for the honestable Judge Applejack!”
“Pinkie, you can't be the bailiff, you're one of the accused!”
“C’mon, Twi’, it's called multitasking!”
Woah, what did I peek into? Okay, Applejack’s barn, version 12.17.90 (beta), Applejack herself is arrayed upon a throne of hay bales looking quite bored with all this. In front of her, two desks or tables are arrayed, also hay bales, arranged like a courtroom with the defendants and prosecutors to one side each.
At the defendant side, you had Twilight Sparkle, dressed like a hot librarian, Rainbow Dash, also bored and in an orange jumpsuit, and then Pinkie Pie, as soon as she made a quick detour through some leylines over to Sugarcube Corner, popping out behind the table in a pin-striped uniform.
Twilight leaned to the side to whisper, “How did Pinkie even get you into that?”
Rainbow shrugged. “I dunno, I wasn’t paying attention.”
On the prosecution, a pair of smartly dressed mares. Rarity would’ve been a preening and posing with her suit, which looked marvelous if she said so herself, but she was busy fussing over Fluttershy’s bowtie.
“Hold still, dear. Just because we must look professional doesn’t mean we can’t also look fabulous.”
“Sorry, Rarity.”
“Quite alright.” Her field moved as she focused her attention to somewhere off to the side of Applejack’s throne. “Spikey-wikey, is your tie on straight?” Not that she waited for answer, already enveloping the thing in her power.
“Yeah, and it’s looks great, Rarity!” He gave her a thumbs up. Then he turned his attention to the defendant table. “Hey, Twilight, why can’t I be bailiff?”
“You’re the court scribe, Spike. You can’t have two jobs, it could create a conflict of interests!”
“Order in the court!”
Twilight yanked on the pink tail with her teeth. “Darn it, Pinkie Pie, you are not the bailiff! Also, the judge says that.”
Applejack did a splendid impression of her brother, sitting silently on her throne of hay, chewing on a piece of wheat and her eyes staring impassively, somewhere off into an empty distance. She set the wheat aside and leaned her head down to regard the defense. “Do I really need a bailiff for this?”
“I would think so. You always have a bailiff during criminal court cases. Even during her regular court, Celestia has her guards around.”
“Well, I dunno about being judge, Twi’, even if this is my barn. I think I’d make a better bailiff.”
“We need a judge to preside over this court even more than we need a bailiff, Applejack. Who else would we put there?”
“Uh, I dunno.” Applejack regarded the prosecution. “How about you, Rares?”
“Wuh- me? You must be joking, Applejack. Do I look like I’m dressed for judging? This is an outfit for lawyering.” She turned to look pointedly at Twilight. “Some ponies are not simply satisfied with wearing something vaguely related to the occasion.”
Rainbow Dash hissed. “Ooo, shots fired!”
“What?” Twilight gave her a distraught look. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She looked around. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
“You look like some kinda sexy librarian outta one of Big Mac’s magazines,” Applejack said.
Rarity nodded. “Precise- how in the world do you know the contents of Big Mac’s magazines?”
Applejack peeled back a leering grin. “They weren’t always his.”
Rainbow Dash beat her temple with her hoof. “TMI TMI TMI TMI-”
“Rrrrright.” Rarity looked at Twilight across the room. “What I don’t understand is why you never wore that outfit during library hours.”
Twilight put a hoof on her chest. “What kind of library did you think I was running?”
“The kind that actually gets patrons, darling.”
Pinkie threw her front hooves in the air. “Oh shoot, shots continued to be fired!”
“Yeah, at least you’d get the Apples in there.” Rainbow prodded Twilight with a leer. She blanched and bleched a second later. “Oh gosh, now I’m thinkin’ about those two just oogling dirty pictures of Twi’. Stop it, brain, stop it!”
“Yeah, you go right on thinkin’ that, ya perv,” Applejack said with a level look to Rainbow Dash. She looked at Twilight. “How’s about you,Twi’?”
“I think I look fine.”
“Heh, no argument there, but that’s not what I met. Think you could be judge?”
Spike piped up. “Oh, good, I was done with that conversation.” They all looked at him with his half-lidded look of exasperation, quill in claw, hanging over parchment. They realize, yeah, he must’ve wrote everything down. They all blushed, even Fluttershy. She hadn’t really been involved in that conversation but, yeah, Fluttershy.
Twilight tore her gaze, and embarrassment, away from that, a silent promise to keep the proceedings appropriate for a baby dragon. She looked at Applejack. “No, not right now, I couldn’t, Applejack.” She then was able to smirk. “Could you imagine these two representing themselves?”
“Oh, shots fired,” Rarity idly said.
“Do the defendants have salves for those burns?” Applejack asked.
Rainbow Dash clutched her chest. “Dang, Twi’, I thought Rarity was gonna persecute us.”
“Prosecute.”
“That too.”
Applejack huffed. “So I guess I’m stuck as judge, huh?”
The question on whether Fluttershy qualified never came up because, yeah, Fluttershy.
“Not quite, Dame Applejack.”
They all jumped. Applejack scrambled over her throne and looked behind it. “Princess Luna?”
Clambering over the back, one bloodshot Princess Of The Night peaked her head out. Stray nebulae, like hair strands, stuck out of her ethereal mane. “Aye, it is I, your princess, your other princess, Princess Luna.” She raised her hoof to the bowing circle. “Rise my little ponies and my little dragon.”
Applejack looked up, now on the ground off her throne. “Ah, princess, if you don’t mind me asking, why were you behind, uh, there?”
“I don’t mind answering, especially as this seems seems to be your abode I am trespassing on. This is where I passed out last night when one Doctor Time Turner Whooves XII drank me under the figurative table.” She looked off to the side, purple flushing her cheeks. “I sorely wish I could excuse such a loss. The Doctor’s second heart is a strong one, he makes his earth pony heritage proud.”
Pinkie Pie and Applejack proudly represented, tapping their sternums. Princess Luna mirrored the motion with a smile. Twilight looked down at her sternum, rubbing at it, realizing there may be more additions to her anatomy than just wings.
Applejack also had a look of realization. “Hold up. Princess, what was you doin’ here to get mud faced?”
“Well, this is where I happened to find the stallion when he challenged me.”
“And whadya use for yer competition?”
“Well, I admit, I really wasn’t tasting it at that point. Something rather strong, came out of jugs. I appreciated the classical loo- Dame Applejack?”
The lot of the ponies, and dragon, watched as the farm pony hopped past the hay throne and to a spot at the back of the barn. She bucked another hay bale to the side and opened up a trapdoor underneath. She stuck her head inside and then the yelling began.
“That no-good, thievin’, filthy, limey, Trottish son of a Diamond Dog’s DAUGHTER!”
“Ya, what a sod-d-d,” Pinkie Pie said.
“He stole my hooch!”
Luna covered her mouth. “Oh, Dame Applejack. In hindsight, now, I should have realized where he got his supply.”
Applejack pulled her head out and an empty jug, so demonstrated when she shook it, spout down. “Land’s sakes, how much did you drink, princess? A bottle of this stuff shoulda put Big Mac in a coma.”
“Well, before I got here, the Doctor already had three bottles on his own. I mean, I was a little tipsy too but I thought I had the lead on him. Clearly, I was mistaken.”
“Okay, I am now way too impressed to be angry. Whooves has gotta have a second liver to boot.”
“Yeah, hey, can we get back to the fact that earth ponies have two hearts?” Twilight spoke up.
Pinkie Pie giggled, her idle animation really. “Silly Twilight, you didn’t think earth ponies were just ponies without wings or horns, did ya?”
“Would you be mad if I said yes?”
“Heh.” Applejack snorted, walking away from the trap door with a sullen slam. “Well, it ain’t exactly on the outside, so I guess I can’t blame ya.”
“Tis not truly a heart, Twilight,” Luna said. “That is a mere colloquial term. More of a gland, really.”
“So, Princess Luna, ya wanna be sittin’ judge of this here trial and I be your bailiff?”
“You are not angry with me, Dame Applejack?”
“I’m more angry with Whooves, but I’ll just take it out his hide later.”
“Then I would be honored!”
“Alrighty then.” Applejack took a position to one side of the hay bale throne, nodding to her draconic contemporary. She waited until Luna took her position atop before opening her mouth. “Now, presentin’ Prince- yes, Pinkie Pie?”
Pinkie Pie was now right there next to her, having skipped the intervening distance between her and Applejack. She held up a few note cards. “Twilight wants you to read these. They’re all of Luna’s titles.”
Applejack arched a brow while she took them. “Well, alright. Now go back to your table ‘fore I gotta hogtie you, convict.”
“Okie dokie!”
After making sure that was situated, Applejack got down to business. “Presentin’ Princess Luna Nox Artemis Lupercal Eternia von Equestria, yer a ‘von’, really?, Sovereign Of Somnia, Monarch Of The Moon, Mare Of The Night, Warmistress Of Equestria, hoo boy, The Starry-Maned One, Nightcandle, Bod- bodi- buddy-vista- wha- how the hay do I pronounce this?” Spike hopped up to her and took the proffered note card. He then whispered in Applejack’s ears and took back his position. “Alrighty- Bodhisattva Anointed In Dark Dreams, The Silver Princess, Nightreaver, The Queen Of Dreams That Terrify, that seems a little insensitive, Devouring Dark-” She flipped to the next note card. Then, she flipped to a few more note cards under them and then a few more. Somewhere inside her head, a mental construct of her brother surmised her feeling on the subject with an world-cracking ‘Eeee-NOPE!’ Giving a level look to Twilight, she chucked the note cards in the air.
“Presentin’ Princess Luna. Y’all rise, thank ya kindly.”
Twilight throw her hooves up. “Oh, c’mon!”
“Aaaand y’all may be seated.”
“Thank ye, Dame Applejack.” Princess Luna pointed out a hoof. “If you would read the charges level against the accused?”
Pinkie Pie hopped her front hooves atop the table. “Guilty! I’m guilty! And I’d do it again! Rainbow Dash was delicious!”
“One count of disturbin’ the peace to each of ‘em,” Applejack said.
“Considering that she said that Rainbow Dash was ‘delicious’, I feel like public indecency may very well be in order,” Luna said with a look of consternation on her face, purple creeping in her cheeks. “And congratulations, as well, for the lovely couple, if alongside a stern warning to be far more discreet with their affection.”
The myriad shades of red each pony would produce was quite varied, as soon as they realized what Luna was getting at. Spike never did, so all he produced was a look of incomprehension. Rainbow and Pinkie, blushing though the both of them were, busted a gut, pounding at their table as much as the bound straw would allow.
“She thinks we-” Rainbow Dash gasped.
Pinkie gesticulated. “Pinkie Pie ate yo pie!”
“-right in front of everypony!”
“Tastes like fruit punch!”
Twilight looked to Rainbow. “Do you taste like fruit punch?”
“Gee, what kinda question is that, Twilight?” Then Rainbow got a grin on her face, that, had she been a carnivore, would have emphasized all her fangs. “I dunno, let’s go get Big Mac and he can find out, huh?”
“Oh, no, no!” Applejack gripped her head. “Now I’m seein’ it! NO!”
Rainbow jabbed a hoof at her. “Ah-ha! Vengeance is mine!”
Then, without any idea what they were actually talking about, but very eager to jump into the conversation anyway, Spike spoke. “I bet Applejack tastes like apples!”
Fluttershy is in a catatonic state by this point, she’s been that way for a while then, and Applejack just now seems ready to follow her. Rarity and Twilight both jumped to their front hooves on the table to shout at Spike. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash have no words, just a growing pain in their sides as the convulsions only intensify.
Luna let this go on for a few more moments until she remembered what role she was supposed to be playing. “ORDER!” The royal voice overwhelmed all the others, devoured them and left an empty plain of corpse sounds in its wake, aural skeletons picked clean. These silences were hung from the basstle walls, so all other would-be rebellious squawks could not hear them and treble in fear.
“Dame Applejack, would you please explain to me what exactly it is that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash did?”
Applejack shook her head free of revulsion, looking up at Luna. “Well, it started last night on Nightmare Night, after you went and left somewhere.” And in a quieter voice. “Apparently to drink all my hooch with that limey buckaroo.”
Ooo, sounds like time for a flash back…
It was Nightmare Night last night. Applejack was marring an apple bobbing station dressed like an apple when she had to deal with these two. Might as well be joined at the hip and, this year, dressed as each other, Bonbon and Lyra. Not that Applejack had anything against two ponies touchin’ each other and cooin’ at each other and lookin’ longing-like in each other's eyes out in public. Why, someday, she’d take some lucky pony aside herself and make darn tootin’ well sure the whole world knew about it.
There was just somethin’ about these two that rubbed her wrong like a pear in a basket of apples.
“Oh, Bonbon, we work so well together.”
“Lyra, I can do anything when I’m with my best friend.”
Lyra dunked her head down in the bucket, followed shortly by Bonbon. The latter pressed the apples with her nose towards the former, letting her grab it in her mouth. Giggling like a pair of school fillies with a crush, they got up.
Lyra held out the apple with her mouth. “Haff it.”
Bonbon covered her mouth. “Oh no, I couldn’t. You’re the one-”
Lyra cut her short by grabbing her by the back of the head. “Uh infift.”
Bonbon burned red through her fur as Lyra dragged her in close, pressing the other side of the apple against her lips. She opened her mouth, accepting the fruit in. Her tongue explored the firm red skin. Her teeth clenched and she moaned as sweet juices flooo- ooh my gosh, okay. Stop.
“Fank hu,” She said. Her cheeks were hot, her knees were weak, her heart was thumping.
Lyra put her hoof under her chin, lifting up her face to look her deep in the eyes. Her own were half-lidded, filled with platonic love. “That’s what best friends are for.”
And there was Applejack, just not believing any of this horse apples.
“Oh, would you two just kiss already?” She wasn’t having any of them either.
Bonbon tried to stammer and the apple dropped from her mouth. Applejack noted it unhappily and wondered if a perfectly good apple was gonna go to waste.
“Applejack!” Lyra said. “No, no! It’s not- no! We’re friends!”
“Good friends!” Bonbon said.
“Very good friends!”
“But just friends!”
“Only friends!”
“Uh-huh.” Applejack said, one brow firmly arched in place. It furrowed down into a scowl when she heard some very familiar fillies screaming, turning to face it. She did note how Bonbon said, “Oh thank goodness,” right behind her but didn’t deem fit to respond.
She had other worries. “Applebloom! Sweetie Belle!” The pair of fillies, dressed like a fully-suited rodeo cowgirl and Rara in her Countess get-up, seemed to be in a height of fear, sweat froth bubbling under their fur.
“Applejack!” Applebloom said breathlessly. “Pinkie Pie’s eating Scootaloo! And then she’s gonna eat us!”
Sweetie Belle put in her two cents, rearing up. “Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOOO-!” She had coughing fit when a fly flew in her gaping mouth.
“Then the court calls Sweetie Belle and Applebloom to the stand. What do you mea- they’re witnesses. Go get them, Dame Applejack! What sort of farce of a trial is this, you don’t have your witnesses prepared? Of course I called the witnesses, I am the ruler of this court!”
Sweetie Belle and Applebloom sat side-by-side in the witness stand, that is the hay bale hastily constructed to serve that function. Two fillies stared as the prosecution paced in front of them.
“Alright then, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle,” Rarity said. She jabbed a hoof at them. “If those are even your REAL names!”
A purple glow surrounded the prosecutor and put her back at her table. Twilight Sparkle took her place in front of the stand. “That’s enough of that. Okay, girls, how about you tell us what happened?”
Applebloom tilted her head. “Why’re you dressed up like one of those librarians in Big Mac’s magazines?”
Off to one side, Applejack choked on air. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie carefully choked down laughter. Or just choked on it, it was hard to tell.
“D-don’t- don’t worry about that,” Twilight said, a rose tint flushing her face. “Just tell us about last night.”
“Well, okay.”
So Scootaloo’s costume was Zapp from the Power Ponies. That was a thing. She’d done up her hair and everything. It took, like, three of her moms and both her dads to fix it up right. With cowgirl Applebloom and popstar Sweetie Belle, they were a trio of sharp dressed fillies on a mission. That mission: Fall into a diabetic coma.
A key figure in that mission was Pinkie Pie, whom this year was not out trick-or-treating but at home. This was unlike the other would-be key figure, Bonbon. She was out on a date with her special somepony, but all the adults said they weren’t supposed to call it that to their faces.
If this took place on your planet, a river in Egypt might have been mentioned. Or a bullet proof glass closet.
Well, at least, when they got to Sugarcube, they found exactly what they were looking for. There was an arrow sign pointing around the back that said “Free Candy”.
“Seems legit,” Sweetie Belle said.
“C’mon, let’s go get some candy!” Scootaloo bolted for the corner, leaving her friends in the comical dust cloud she kicked up in their faces.
After coughing that off, the remaining two fillies took off after her, as hard as it was to keep up with a pony whose hooves barely touched the ground. They already lost sight of her when they got to the back. All there was was an open basement filled with an inky blackness and a baleful red glow beyond. The distant sound of pained moaning and manic giggles drifted out, carrying with it a pungent smell they couldn’t identify, or didn’t want to.
The girls stopped at the edge of the precipice, staring down into this open mouth of Tartarus.
“Still seems legit, Sweetie Belle?”
“Uh… well, Scootaloo’s down there. And candy! We gotta go down there before she eats all the candy!” With that exclamation, Sweetie Belle’s sweet tooth overrode her good sense, and she charged down into the depths. Applebloom hesitated for a second, but the ungentle hoof of peer pressure shoved her down the stairs.
“Wait up!”
It was a maze down there, dead ends and everything. On closer look, the majority of the walls were artificial to the rest of the structure, temporary blockades to make the Cake’s basement into this labyrinth. They were painted black, with just a series of red lamps to light the way.
“Oooo…”
The sound of the pained moaning was getting louder. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom were clutched close to each other. Thoughts of candy or Nightmare Night were forgotten. All either of them wanted to do was find their friend and get out of there.
With caution and trepidation they approached the moaning. It wasn't exactly something they wanted to find, but it was better than dead ends after only finding those. Turning one more corner, they finally found the source.
Never before in their lives had either of them seen a butcher shop, not in pictures or reality. They heard that in larger cities they existed to feed a carnivorous minority, like gryphons, the odd human and even diamond dogs.
What, something wrong with that list? There are such thing as them in this world. Civilized diamond dogs, I mean. Don't be an anticannite. Anywho…
This room was exactly what they imagined to fit the nightmarish description given by nearly every school yard horror story. In contrast to the walls outside, the room was sterile white and unlit, save for the infernal glow beyond the doorway behind them. Blood splatters covered the sides, cleavers hung openly on cruel looking hooks, unnecessary chains hung from the ceiling and, of course, there was some bloodied pony strapped to a gurney, looking like she weren't having a very good day.
Oh, hey Rainbow Dash.
“Giiirls, ruuun… Pinkie Pie’s gone crazy… She’s gonna chop me up and bake me into a cupcake. She already started with my wings!” She indicated with her head to one side and a harsh white light flashed. It revealed a steel work bench and on top of it was the bloody remains of dismembered blue wings.
The girls didn't hear or see anything else. Their screams were too loud and the black and red halls a whirlwind as they ran. If they'd been more observant, maybe they'd have seen Rainbow smirk and heard the chuckled out “Gotcha”.
The girls barely remembered the path they took before and hardly paid attention to the one they fled now. Those twisting passages of madness all looked the same. Still, they ran on, fear and adrenaline beating a war drum of panic from their hearts to their ears. They turned one corner, picked another forked in halls and barreled down another corridor with nary a rational thought.
Then they found the magenta master of this madness. Pinkie Pie, but not the fluffy, sweet cotton candy pony they thought they knew. This one had limp hair, a too wide grin and was covered head to toe with sticky and red. Worst of all was what she held. In one hoof, held aloft, was a tray of conspicuously chromatic cupcakes. In her other foreleg, held close to her splattered white apron, was the limp form of Scootaloo.
“Heeeey, girls!” She said, staring at them with eyes full of madness. “Wanna see how rainbows are made?”
This time, this time, they found their way out. Possibly through some walls, but the straightest path is the shortest one.
“-and then Pinkie Pie asked me to play dead and I did and they fell for it and it was awesome!” Scootaloo ended her part of the story, there on the witness stand. Her friends shot her dirty looks from the audience seats. Far more important to her was the opinion of another pony.
Rainbow Dash twirled a forehoof. “Yeah! Way to go, little buddy!”
Twilight rubbed her hoof rhythmically against the tip of her horn. “Rainbow, please, sit down, you’re not making your case better.”
“So, I reckon we can add ‘Corruptin’ of a minor’ to the list of charges,” Applejack drawled.
“Verily,” Luna said. “Although I am glad that we have done so after th- after you explained to me what was truly meant by the original charges and ‘eating’ Rainbow Dash. Had they’d been bringing a youth to corruption in that fashion, I think I’d been rather more put out with them.”
“Speaking of eating Rainbow Dash-” Pinkie Pie rummaged behind the defendant's table. Not under it, because it was still a hay bale. “-I’d like to present Exhibit C!” She pulled out a tray of prismatic treats, chocolate cupcakes wrapped in cyan wrapping polka dotted all the colors of the rainbow, filled with a rainbow of glittering sparkles and topped with, you guessed it, a rainbow colored swirled cream.
Luna leaned over her hay throne to regard the presented items. “Pinkie Pie, what happened to Exhibit A & B?”
“Silly! ‘Cupcake’ doesn’t start with either of those letters!”
Twilight needed two hooves for this one, rubbing at either side of her temple. “Pinkie, that’s not how evidence works. As your lawyer, for one, I’m the one who presents evidence.”
“Oh well.” Pinkie Pie shrugged. “I just wanted to offer Princess Luna some cupcakes.”
Rarity hopped her front hooves onto her table, jabbed one forward and shouted, “Objection!”
All eyes on her, and a brief moment of silence stretched as everyone waited for a follow up on that. Nothing, however, as she held that defiant, pointing at some objectionably abstract object. Luna alas lanced that boil. “Your objection, Rarity Belle?”
Rarity covered her mouth, settling back down as she giggled. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I was just basking in the moment that I actually got an opportunity to say that. As if we were in a real courtroom drama!”
Fluttershy reached up and prodded her in the side. Very softly, “Rarity.”
“Oh ho, yes, quite right, Fluttershy, my dear.” She cleared her throat. “This act could be construed as bribery. Therefore, I object.”
“I brought enough for everypony. And everydrake, too, Spike. This one here’s got crushed gems instead of candy sparkles!”
“Alright!”
Rarity rubbed her chin, humming. A nod, and with an imperious finality she said, “Objection withdrawn.”
Luna nodded. “Then this court shall take a short recess to consider the new evidence.”
“Mmm! It tastes like fluffy chocolate dipped fruit!” Luna grinned with a little too much malice to her mirth, “Tia will be disappointed she missed this.”
“So, is it good?” Pinkie asked.
“Indeed! The flavor is subtly sweet rather than overwhelming. Smooth and not too bold.”
“Thanks, Princess!”
“Wait, now hold on!” Rainbow Dash said. “These’re cupcakes that’re supposed to be made out of me! Rainbow Dash is ‘totally bold’, ‘strong’ and ‘explosive’! That’s what I should taste like.”
“Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Rainbow Dash.”
“I mean, you go through all the trouble of chopping me up and then you waste top notch ingredients on not an awesome dessert that blows everypony’s mind! I thought we were friends, Pinkie Pie.”
Spike piped up. “A friend that chopped you up and baked you into cupcakes.”
“Lame-o fru-fru flavored cupcakes!”
“That's your problem with this scenario?”
“Ya know, I think you're right, Rainbow Dash,” Pinkie said thoughtfully. “This was more like a flavor I'd get if I chopped up Fluttershy. Hey, I should do that next!”
And a nervous squeak to one side. “I don't like the turn of this conversation.”
Luna smiled more congenial this time. “So, this pleasant intermission aside, I do think I've heard enough to render my judgement on this small mishap.”
“Aw,” Pinkie whined. “We didn't even get to tell you about the lynch mob!”
Luna wasn't smiling anymore.
Lily grinned nervously. “So things might’ve gotten a little out of hoof.”
Lily, Daisy and Rose sat in the witness stand. Cramped fit, but the three of them didn't quite mind that moment. Given how Luna was looking at them, the need to huddle together in terror may be imminent.
“You formed a lynch mob.” She nodded to Lily and Daisy, in turn. “You brought the pitchfork, you brought the torch-” And to Rose. “-and you brought the rope.”
“Rope? What do I need rope for?”
“For lynching. You were a lynch mob.”
“Well, yes. Daisy and Lily brought the torch and pitchfork. What did I need rope for?”
Luna explained.
Rose didn't seem so rosey anymore, Lily looked a little lime and Daisy daintily fainted. Luna cocked her head to one side as she watched these reactions. Rose finally worked up the gumption to speak.
“No! Why would you think that!?”
“On account of you being characterized as a lynch mob mostly. Apparently a very sheltered one, so I guess I can knock off murderous intent from your list of charges.”
Lily flinched. “Were we on trial?”
“Well, I wouldn't want to take the spotlight off of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash’s show, but yes, you were a little bit on trial. What gave you the idea that this was anything more than a Nightmare Night show and start a lynch- stop flinching- a lynch mob of, what was it, a dozen ponies strong?”
“Well, no,” Lily said, unsure about this whole thing, contradicting a princess. “We were the only ones organized enough to form a mob. Everypony else started a panic riot. And it was a lot more than a dozen.”
A panic riot. That is, these three started freaking out, sparked off a few other susceptible souls and then the fearful herd mind grew to consume every poor weak willed pony in the vicinity. Without direction, it hadn’t become a stampede, thank the Fates, and just milled about in every direction as a general riot.
Luna sighed, rubbing the top of her snout. “Fine. Back to my original question; why?”
“Well, there were these colts,” Rose said.
“Colts?”
Snips scowled. “Yeah, we found out it was all fake.” Then undulated joy blossomed on his face. “It was so cool!”
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie both preened under the praise, while their lawyer tried to use her hardened librarian stares to get them to pipe down on the pride.
“Yeah, Rainbow Dash is so cool,” Snails drawled. The smile dropped a little from Pinkie Pie’s face just a little. “She sure fooled us good.”
“And all by herself too! Rainbow Dash is amazing!”
Pinkie Pie’s whole face dropped into a gaping scowl. Rainbow Dash examined her hoof casually. “Well, I don't like to brag but-” An action eliciting a betrayed gasp from Pinkie, a stern look of disapproval from Fluttershy and an eye roll from the rest of her friends.
“Gentlecolts,” Luna gently prodded. She wanted to get this underway before Rainbow's head popped off her shoulder, either by her own ego or because Pinkie bopped it off herself. “Just tell the court what transpired.”
Rainbow Dash fidgeted in her bondage. I'm getting a cramp, she thought.In a little slot under the gurney, her wings, her real and very attached wings, twitched, trying to flap in the little slot they had. Impossible. She looked off to one side of the “butcher shop”, where goose feathers, blue dye, wax and ketchup coordinated into a convincing role. These fake wings were hidden in the gloom but a simple twitch of her hooves would flip a switch shine a light down on it.
Oh wow, Pinkie put a lot of thought into this.
“Oh my gosh!”
Ponies!
“The Crusaders were telling the truth!” Snips said. He and Snails trailed into the gloomy butchery in their Trixie cosplay. Rainbow missed the tone of dawning panic in his voice. Or, she caught it, but rather revelled in it.
All she thought was, Time to put on a show.
“Booys, ruuun! Pinkie Pie’s gone crazy! Just look,” She said and her hoof flexed.
Snails was the closest to the bench but the slowest to turn towards the light that just flared into life. Rainbow got front row seats to the slug like pace of his facial features slowly change to rising and overwhelming horror on his face. It was a performance art in action, and the performance was that of a mime realizing the invisible box she’s locked herself in is airtight, that there will be no escape from death by asphyxiation and all the little foals will have to watch her die spasming.
At first, Rainbow was ecstatic. This is exactly the reaction she was looking for. I mean, she scared the the two Crusaders, but they bolted. Snails here was giving her the slow motion playback of getting scared. When he started shaking, Rainbow became concerned. When a green tint to match his mane started crawling up his neck, she became very concerned. Then the green rushed forth like a tidal wave.
“And then Snails puked ALL OVER the fake wings!” Snips had a big ol’ grin from the memory. He even closed his eyes to savor it. “It was so gross, it was awesome!”
Snails nodded with a congenial smile on his face, pleased as punch at his part to play in this whole pandemonium. “Yep, I did.”
Luna briefly turned away from the witness stand toward the defendant table. “Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah, it was pretty gross.”
“Indeed.” She turned back to the colts. “And then what happened?”
“We tried to rescue Rainbow Dash,” Snails said.
Snips had clambered up the gurney, yanking at Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. “C’mon, Rainbow Dash, we’ll get you out of there!” He failed to notice the resistance wasn’t from the cuffs around her hooves but from her back.
“Ow, stop it! You’re pulling on my wings!”
“That’s right, Rainbow Dash! You still have wings! Just keep thinking that!” He turned back to his cohort. “Snails, c’mon man, I need your help!”
Snails, for his part, was still coughing up the last vestiges of his earlier eaten candy. The sound began to take on a sobbing quality after a few moments, both Snips and Dash watching him with growing dread piling mutually in their stomachs. That dread was strictly opposed to the candy that had previously piled in Snail’s stomach.
“Is- is he crying?”
Snips turned to her, and she saw a bit of wet shimmer in his eyes too. “Yes, he is! He’s sad so you don’t have to be, Rainbow Dash! Don’t give up on hope, just keep holding on!” He turned again, his teeth grit and barked, “Snails! Snap out of it! I need you to go tell a grown-up about this!”
Snails flinched at the harsh tone but it seemed to snap him out his stupor. He nodded rapidly, grunted an affirmative and that little guy scampered out of there like Tartarus’s gates were opening behind him.
Snails’ expression dropped down. He wasn’t smiling anymore. He was looking at the ground instead. Snip put a hoof on his friend’s shoulder, offering a silent assurance. Silence, in fact, reigned in the court barn house as everypony gave each other uncomfortable side glances.
Luna just looked at the two boys, her front hooves pressed together. If she had fingers, they’d be tightly curled around each other. “Commendable effort, Snips, wrong headed though it was. And an understable reaction from you, Snails, given what the both of you thought was going on. I presume this is when you met the three mares and told them everything, yes?”
“Ya-huh,” Snails said with a subdued nod of his head.
“What happened next?”
Out of their six friends, Rarity is the one known to have a certain sense of flair and drama, not to mention histrionics. After that, there was Rainbow Dash’s love of the spotlight. First impressions give some the idea that Pinkie Pie is like that too, trying to drag all eyes on her. Second impressions tell ponies a deeper story, that she is an entertainer. Being the center of attention is merely efficient, but she is just as happy to disappear into the background if need be. Those who really come to know her find that, no, no, she really does love it.
“That’s right! It was me, PINKIE!” She stood on her hind legs, covered in what must be blood, holding aloft the limp form of one young filly. She experimented with several different evil laughs before settling on a cackle that started out high pitched and devolved into something halfway to muttering.
“Oh my gosh, she’s got a foal!”
There was Lily, dressed like a daisy, hefting a pitchfork, Daisy, dressed like a rose, waving a torch and Rose, dressed like a lily, oddly empty hoofed. Maybe she should’ve asked Applejack. With her free hooves though, she could get some proper hoof jabbing done. The other two could just shake what their local Barnyard Bargains gave them.
“Cannibal!”
“She’s going to eat us!”
The three of them shed fear, the stinking pheromones of fright clouding the air around and downwind from them. A stallion behind them caught whiff of the combined terror and felt his mind cloud with it. There words were like hypnotic suggestion and whatever better judgement he had was devoured like a filly before a pack of timber wolves. He bolted with a shout, trailing behind far more of that scentless smell.
“And you’ll be delicious!” Pinkie shot back. “You always grew the tastiest flowers, and now you’ll be the tastiest flower cupcakes!” She stopped for a second, looking thoughtful. Scootaloo got shifted under one of her forearms as she tapped her chin with the other. “Although, maybe it’d be better if I made you into muffins.”
Weaker wills were set off by the stallion, especially when he neared a group. Their own brief bursts of fear reinforced one another. As they moved on up to full blown panic, the combined musk overwhelmed stronger wills. Other ponies, unaware of some so-called cannibal making a scene over yonder, merely got scared by all the running and screaming ponies dashing around the stalls or, in some cases, right through them. That moment of fright left many minds vulnerable, and they were absorbed.
Wills like iron asserted themselves against the herd mind, fighting against it, refusing to yield. Some of them preached for calm, a few actually succeeded, creating islands of stability. Other bowed out, making a sensible decision to leave before the chinks in their mental armors were found. One out-of-towner, an earth pony named Golden Opportunity, followed his Golden Senses to this town on this very night. He took the time for some choice looting and booked it by the next morning.
Pinkie stood on hind legs upwind from all of this. She tilted her head to one side, looking over the flower mares from her upright position. Scootaloo shifted to look herself, curious what all the ruckus was about, but Pinkie had her facing the wrong way. Honestly, it was a wonder that Pinkie had remained in that precarious position for so long.
“Hey, is everything okay over- woah!” Pinkie fell back as a torch was swung in her face. She managed to twist in time to fall on the side that didn’t include a little filly. She managed to heft up to shoot the green haired mare a stern look. “Watch it, Daisy! You could hurt someone with that.”
“Back, monster! You don’t belong in this town!”
“You steal mare’s souls and make them your muffins!”
“Ponyville ill needs a baker such as you!”
Pinkie grinned, a bit shakily. “O-okay, girls, time to stop messing around! There’s a fear riot-”
“Your words are as empty as your soul!”
Pinkie Pie cringed at the seemingly real anger in their eyes, while still glancing at the panicking ponies in her peripheral. She was a bit at a loss for words, an unusual sensation, when somepony else went ahead and supplied them from behind her.
“Enough talk, have at it! What’s going on, girls?”
Lily pointed her pitchfork at the interloper. “Don’t try and stop us, Rainbow Dash! Pinkie Pie chopped you up and baked you into a cupcake! Now we’re going to make her pay.”
Scootaloo popped her head out from under where Pinkie Pie had been sheltering her. “Hey Rainbow Dash!”
“Hey squirt!” Rainbow Dash ruffled the filly’s mane. “Hey, Pinkie, I didn’t know you got the Flower Trio in on this.”
“Me neither! Golly, I’m good!” Pinkie Pie brightened immediately at the presence of her friend. “You got tired of being in the gurney?”
“Nah, I, uh-”
Snips popped out from behind Rainbow. He had a self-satisfied smile on his face. “I rescued her!”
“He rescued me.” Rainbow Dash looked less than satisfied.
“Oh, neat!” Pinkie said.
The Flower Trio, for their part, were starting to figure out a couple things. That dawning realization was slowly rising like the sun over their faces and horizon of fearful ignorance. Some nervous glances between them became nervous glances behind as the whirling and twirling rear of them caught their attention.
“Lily, Daisy, I think we might have made a mistake.”
“I think so too, Rose.”
“I think things might have gotten a bit out of hoof, girls.”
The three of them had turned fully around to watch the fear riot tear through the Nightmare Night carnival. Their focus narrowed down to Pokey Pierce, standing on top of a soap box. He shopped in the same section as they did, and had a torch in his magic waving around.
“Forget the promises of friendship and harmony! In the grim, dark future of Ponyville, there is only cupcakes and the Element Of Laughter of hungry pink bakers!”
“I think so too, Daisy.”
“Anything else? Anything else I should know?” Luna queried, looking around the court, much to Pokey Pierce’s relief. He’d been placed, dragged, onto the witness stand, courtesy of the bailiff and plenty of rope, and he hadn’t actually done very well under the scrutiny of the Moon Monarch. “Did Applejack attempt to convince everyone she was some sort of timber mierewulf? That Twilight was secretly a changeling princess? That Fluttershy was- was- um, also a changeling? I’m sorry, Dame Fluttershy, I couldn’t think of anything for you.”
“That’s alright, Princess,” Fluttershy spoke up softly. “It wouldn’t matter what I am. I’m just happy to be included.”
Rarity raised a hoof. “And moi?”
Luna tapped her chin. “I was going to go with, mm, a dominatrix serial killer.”
“And what, do I make dresses out of my victims?”
Pinkie Pie hopped in place. “Oo, oo! Could you?” She pulled out a scroll from not-under the hay bale table. “I even got a design here, see?” She unfurled for Rarity to see, much to the fashionista’s regret. Not as much as Fluttershy’s regret, mind, being right behind her. Oop, she passed out again. “I was gonna wear it for the horror house but I never got around to making it.” It had cutie mark patches, wings on the back and a necklace of horns and everything. “See, here’s Dashie, she’s got a place of honor right on my rump, and you, I guess that’s where you’d put me, and ‘Shy and Applejack and here’s Cheerilee and- oh- Pokey, here you are! And Twil-”
“That’s nice, dear!” Rarity said quickly, waving her hoof. “How about you put that away and show me again some other time.” Never.
As Rarity breathed a sigh of relief at her acquiescing, Twilight looked up to the stand. “So, um, no Luna, none of that happened, or anything like it.”
“Ah, good. Then we can proceed with the judgement.”
“But, Princess Luna, Rarity and I need to make our closing statements. Actually, we never got to make our opening statements, for that matter.”
Rarity cleared her throat, very delicate like, mind. “No, darling, that will be quite alright. I think I’ve, mm, said enough.”
“Rarity! There’s a procedure for this!”
“It would seem to me that we’ve gone rather off script already, Twilight.”
“All the more reason to try to get it back on track. Come on, Rarity, show me what you got, I’ll let you go first.”
“No, no,” Rarity said with forcibly casual haste. “That’s quite alright.”
Twilight smiled, not picking up on the strain. “I insist! What have you prepared?”
Silence. Rarity turned to look pleadingly at Princess Luna, or perhaps at nothing. Her face was set in stony neutrality.
“Rarity?”
More silence. Twilight was frowning now. Maybe even scowling a bit.
“Rarity, did you prepare anything?”
The silence was punctuating now and the folly flush on Rarity’s cheeks was damning.
“Rarityyyyy!” Twilight whined.
“I just wanted to dress up!”
“I can’t believe you!”
“I did get to shout ‘Objection!’ That was fantastic.”
“Court is serious business!”
“Didn’t quite get to do everything I wanted.”
“You need to take this seriously!”
“Like have a racy affair with the judge.”
Farmer and princess looked up at that one. Farmer said, “Wait, was that me or Luna?”
Rarity offered up a shrug. “Eh.” She really didn’t seem to care, not until Twilight laid into her on the sacrosanct nature of the courtroom.
Luna looked down at her bailiff. “I think I’m ready to pass down my judgement.”
“And what’s that, yer highness?”
“You’re all a bunch of silly fools.”
“Is that it?”
Luna huffed. “No. I have more.”
“Captain Rainbow Rose Dash Junior, you’re a captain, really?, I do apologize for not adress- are you sure?, Aah, just local then, very well, mm!, Pinkamena Diane Pie, I pronounce you innocent of all the charges set before you. However, I would strongly advise you that, for the next time, more clearly present your intentions. If I were to hazard a guess, there are several foals whose dreams I will have to ward for several nights now. Your punishment, I suppose, will be having to dwell on that.
“Dame Daisy Flower Wishes II, Lily Valley, Roseluck, this trial is not about you, but take heed that you may be next in court should any decide to press charges against you three. Your blind fear mongering lead to a panic riot. This town being what it is, I doubt it will be held against you, but I insist you go and apologize to everypony’s whose properties were damaged.
“Snips Cutworthy, Snails Crawly, Applebloom Apple, Sweetie Belle, children. For as much as I have scolded Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie for being unclear in their intent, I feel I must remind you that it was Nightmare Night last night. If I have this correctly, these horror houses are meant to be fairly common on that day. As well-crafted and executed as those two’s attempt was, I think you all should have eventually realized what was happening.
“That being said, Snips, you’ve displayed remarkable drive and tenacity. If you weren’t so completely wrong about the situation, you’d be a hero. However, I do say ‘remarkable’ because, Snails, your reaction was completely understandable. Given the situation you believed yourself to be in, you were not a coward. You are a prepubescent colt. Do not think less of yourself.
“Pokey Pierce, and I believe I’ll have to repeat this to the rest of Ponyville, get a hold of yourself, pony. I would think your proximity to the Everfree would have hardened all of you, and while it seems as if it has for some, the rest you are actually MORE skittish than average. I have heard that only Applejack’s arrival on the scene was what kept the riot from spreading. Her indomitable will crushed the herd mind, but you all should have done that on your own. Do I have to ask Iron Will to come back? I heard it went poorly the first time but that doesn’t mean we can’t try again.
“That is all. This court is adjourned.”
“Hey, hey, Rainbow, what’re we going to do next year?”
“Pinkie, I’m thinking maybe we should just go trick-or-treating next year.”
“No, no! Scootaloo gave me a great idea! Okay, get this, horror themed rainbow factory.”
Author's Note
[Deleted Scene]
“Well, I wouldn't want to take the spotlight off of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash’s show, but yes, you were a little bit on trial.
“Now, question for the courtroom. Who else here was surprised to learn what 'lynch’ means? Dame Fluttershy?”
“How could anypony do that to another pony?” And there were tears in her eyes.
“Right.” And now I feel bad. “Rarity?”
“I realize there were some barbaric times in our past, but shocked and appalled.”
“Twilight?”
“I've read some things. I'm not happy about it, but I've read about it.”
“Of course. Young Spike?”
“I heard about it from Twilight.”
“Indeed. Pinkie Pie?”
“I read too.” She actually seemed downcast.
Luna just nodded to that. “Rainbow Dash?”
“What? Pfft! 'Course I knew! Nothin’ gets past this pony! 'Specially not something as brutal as wrapping a rope around somepony's neck and- oh my gosh.”
“Same boat as Dame Fluttershy and Rarity then. Dame Applejack?”
“I wish I could say I was surprised.”
“Ah. And the Crusaders?”
“Cherilee ain't never taught us nothin’about this!”
And they're crying too. Luna thought. Congratulations are in order, Luna. Now does this count as unbearably naive or perfectly innocent? I think our vassals can stand to know about horrors that surround them in space and time. At least it doesn't seem like some insidious measures have been taken to scour the records clean of all objectionable facts. Rather Tia has just coddled it right out of popular memory.
“Alright, back to you three.” She turned back to the witness stand. There was some jumping there, misconceptions of being off the hook were shattered. Daisy remained still, but then Daisy had remained unconscious too. “What gave you the idea that this was anything more than a Nightmare Night show and start a lynch- stop flinching- a lynch mob of, what was it, a dozen ponies strong?”
