Best Laid Plans

by Darth Atrox

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4205

Discord, in an attempt at revenge, summons the most chaotic creature known to him---a Human!

He probably should have seen it coming. Humans were, after all, more chaotic than even him. But, as this human proves, the best laid plans of mice and draconequus often go awry.

*This story has nothing to do with Rust and BlackWing's "Chess Game of the Gods" universe. I may change this in the future, provided Rust and/or Blackwing give me permission, but for now, it's a solo story.

Published 2012-07-01 13:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-12 03:24:40 UTC

Revenge!

Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

"The best laid plans of mice and ponies often go awry."

That was easily Discords favorite line of all time. Thousands of novels and poems, and that one line brought him the most pleasure. If there was one thing he loved, was ruining those "best laid plans." He was the God of Chaos after all. It was in his nature. He was like...the ultimate prankster. Nopony was safe from him! At least, that's how it was.

Fuckin' Princesses.

They just couldn't take a joke. Spread a little chaos, then he was hunted down. The Princesses, for all their supposed Wisdom, were quite xenophobic. Everything just had to be perfect and in control! If one little thing went wrong, all hell would break loose with them. Frankly, what was unnatural was their control. They even managed to bring the natural order to a screeching halt! From the weather to the planet's orbit!

Of course, as the God of Chaos, he was deemed an enemy of the state. He didn't actually think they would find a way to incapacitate him. No one was more surprised than him when he was imprisoned in stone.

Fuckin' Elements of Harmony.

Honestly he had no problem with friendship and harmony, or the Princesses for that matter. Everything was just too...rigid. There was absolutely no room for error. There should always be some chaos in the world!

Too bad nopony but him felt that way.

After he broke free for the first time, he thought he would have a second chance. Maybe he could even persuade the Princesses themselves to his point of view. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. The instant he broke free, Celestia immediately jumped into action, putting the current Elements of Harmony against him.

It seemed simple enough. Divide and Conquer. The Elements only functioned when their bearers were in perfect synchronization. A little white lie here and there and BOOM! No more Elements. They were smarter than they looked though. And, once again, the Elements imprisoned him.

He still had an ace in the hole, though.

Regardless of the fact that his body was imprisoned, his spirit was not. He was still very much able to venture through the world and will. He simply could not interact with anything at all. It was because of this, that he had an escape. Just like he was not limited to a single plane of existence, neither was spirit.

He had seen so much. Millions of Universes. Millions of Planets. Billions of Civilizations.

And so much Chaos!

And none more so than the Humans.

It was rather amusing. The humans called themselves Homo Sapiens Sapiens. Man Wise Wise. How far from the truth that really was. They were intelligent. That much was true. The things they were able to do with Science and technology, the Ponies in Equestria still were not able replicate with magic. They had knowledge in spades, but wisdom eluded them.

They were greedy, selfish, corrupt, lustful...chaotic!

Honestly, it was just too perfect.

*/)(*

It was a beautiful summer day in Ponyville. Logically, most ponies were having the time of their lives at Ponyville Park. Couples and families all sat together, playing or sitting down on a picnic blanket eating. In the center of the large park, sitting under a large Oak tree were 6 rather well known friends. Popular amongst the local ponies, as well as the unattached stallions, were the Elements of Harmony.

"Ah, this is the life, isn't it girls?" Asked Rainbow Dash, who was resting on her side, wings extended and feeling the breeze.

"It sure is, Rainbow. Days like this need to come more often." Responded Applejack.

"A perfect day to relax. Away from the stress of the Boutique, simply relaxing as nature intended." Commented Rarity. The off-white unicorn had a foil sheet open, trying to cath as much sunlight as possible. As to why was anyponies guess...ponies can't tan.

"It is nice to take a break every once in a while. Sometimes, taking care of so many animals can get very overwhelming. I-it's not that I don't enjoy it! I-t's...um..." Fluttershy trailed off, not sure how exactly she was to convince her friends she wasn't a lazy pony.

"Fluttershy, relax! We know you love taking care of animals. Believe me, I know that even something you love can get a little overwhelming." Said Twilight. The resident genius/librarian/obsessive-compulsive pony had fallen victim to her own desires and pursuit of knowledge many times.

"You guys sure are stressed out! I've never seen anypony so happy just to lay down in the park!" Exclaimed Pinkie Pie. She then dove into the picnic basket containing many sugary confections. "I looove my job!" She exclaimed, mouth full.

Before anyone could comment, a familiar baby Dragon came running at full speed towards them.

"TWILIIIGHT!"

All six Element bearers looked up at once at the dragon.

'This seems oddly familiar.' They all thought simultaneously.

Spike just made it. He collapsed unceremoniously on their checkered, red-and-white picnic blanket. He had a scroll rolled up in his tiny, purple claws.

'Yup, this has definitely happened before.' They thought.

"Emergency...*Pant*...Princess...*Huff*...Discord...!" He panted out.

"DISCORD!" Twilight immediately used her magic to levitate the scroll before her. She cleared her throat and read aloud:

My Dearest Student Twilight Sparkle,

We have an emergency on our hooves. Discord has somehow escaped his stone imprisonment. At this time we have no answers on how this is possible, but we need a response team that is capable of handling him.

That team is you. The Elements of Harmony are needed once again.

I have sent a chariot to collect you and the rest of the Elements from the Ponyville Library. I hope to see you very soon.

Princess Celestia

The Human

Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Life was hell.

No, seriously, it fucking sucked.

Although, consistency was, apparently, life's strong point. Being shortchanged through life, well, this was a perfect end apparently.

His parents were tall---hell, his dad was six-five! He is five-one. His parents were athletes. He walked with a limp. His parents were fit, he is overweight.

Have any of you picked up on the fact that his parents are being described in the past tense?

Yup, orphaned at 12. Car accident.

Stayed in a group home till he was 18, being beaten, and abused by his peers. Simply because they could.

Yes, abused as in sexually abused. People always ask.

'My whole fucking life, I've received the short end of the stick, and THIS is the fucking ICING on the GODDAMN CAKE!' He thought to himself. Twenty-Six years of hell, but life wasn't finished with him. Apparently it wanted his balls too.

Testicular Cancer.

Oh yeah, life was just fucking with him now. Here he was. A short, crippled, pasty white guy who was about to be castrated.

"Excuse me, Mr. King?" A young nurse asked. Oh yeah, his name's James King. "The operating room is ready for you. I'll be wheeling you over.." She said. He gave her a curt nod. After hopping off the table, he limped over to the wheelchair.

*/)(*

Black. That's it, just...black. There was...nothing around.

'I always imagined a void being white.' James thought to himself. "Wait...am I dead?" He asked aloud.

"Not really." Said a strange voice. It actually sounded vaguely familiar. "You're...on the precipice. You're not alive, but you're not dead either."

What the fuck was going on!? Was this God? Or and Angel?

"Well, I am a God. Just not your God. I don't have any power over you unless you will it." Okay, so some weird ass Pagan God or something wants you for some reason. Assuming that all of this was real, of course.

"Oh, it is real. Don't worry about that." An elongated figure seemed to fly into his sights. It's body seemed to be comprised of different animal parts. It's left arm was am eagle claw and it's right was a lions paw. It's left leg was a hoof, and it's right was what seemed to be a dragons leg. It had a long serpentine tail and it's head was equine-like. It had silver eyebrows and goatee, as well as piercing red eyes.

"...da fuck are you?" Tactful as ever, James couldn't help but ask. However, instead of becoming upset, the creature laughed.

"I know you don't know about me, but that's alright. I try not to come around your reality. I always get too jealous." It spoke. "I'm getting a little off topic. I am Discord. God of Chaos." There were no dramatics or flashing lights. Just a simple introduction. Very simple for a guy who just called himself a God.

"And?" James asked.

"Glad you asked!" Cried the beast. "How would you like the powers of a God?" Discord said, cutting to the chase.

"I'd like that very much. Too bad this is all just a dream." He complained.

"And what makes you say that?"

"A 'God' just jumps into my life and offers me omnipotence out of nowhere? First of all: I don't believe in Gods; second of all: why me? If there's one thing my life has taught me is that if something sounds too good to be true, it is."

"Trust me, I know all about your life. That's why I picked you. You've been powerless your whole life. You've had nothing. Now I'm offering you everything!"

"Ah. I get it. So why now? I could've used you a little sooner." James asked.

"I needed to gather enough power to make the trans-universal jump and enough to make a return trip for two, just in case you decide to accept."

"Aren't you supposed to be a God? Shouldn't all of this be easy for you?"

"Normally you'd be right. But I am physically...indisposed at the moment. You see, I love chaos. It's just what I do. But the inhabitants of my universe despise chaos. They love their perfect, harmonious world. So when I spread chaos, they found a way to imprison me. My powers and body are quantum-locked in stone. But my spirit is free to roam. And if I absorb enough ambient power from the atmosphere, I can even jump universes." James nodded, accepting the explanation.

"Okay, lets assume, that I'm not insane. What do you want from me? There's no way in hell you would do this without you getting something out of it." He asked.

"Well, I just want you to spread a little chaos. You see, The spell that keeps my body frozen is keyed to my signature. If I put you in my body and "put you in the driver's seat," so to speak, the spell won't recognize you as me and release my body. Then, have a little fun. Cause a little chaos. I'll be taking body back after a while, but...let's just say I think you deserve it."

James thought about it. Hard. On one hand, this could all a stupid dream. On the other, this could be real. It was a very slim chance, but if Gods did exist then it was more than possible that they could transcend universes.

What do I have to lose?

What did he have to lose? His life sucked. No friends. No family. He was just pathetic and alone. There was absolutely no one.

"Alright. I accept." James held out his hand. Discord smiled and reached out and gripped it with his bear paw.

*/)(*

"Doctor! He's flatlining!" Cried out the nurse.

"Get the defibrillator!" The doctor ordered. One of the other surgeons quickly wheeled one over. The head surgeon quickly set it up. "Clear!" He cried. Jame's body jumped at the voltage, but nothing happened. "Clear!" He tried again. Nothing. "Clear!" Nothing. "Clear!" Nothing. "Clea---"

"---Doctor! It's over. He's gone." One of the nurses draped a white sheet over his body.

"Time of death: 8:32 PM." The doctor said. 'But what went wrong?'

*/)(*

In the Canterlot gardens Discord's statue exploded in a white flash of light. However, instead of Discord, a human stood on the pedestal. He stepped off slowly, and observed his surroundings.

'I feel...different. Stronger.' James thought. He noticed a large pond near him. Stepping towards it, he observed his reflection. Instead of himself, he saw someone else. It was a good-looking guy. His short, black hair was combed neatly, and his stubble was cut short and neatly trimmed. "What happened to me?" It wasn't a bad change. Hell, he loved it. He was good-looking, and tall too! He was easily six foot two. And he was cut! "I look like a superhero!"

'This is how you see yourself.' A voice inside his head. 'Everyone has an idea of their perfect selves. This is how you want to look. The thing is, you now have the power to actually change your form.'

"Cool. So why am I naked?"

'The peoples of this world don't normally wear clothing, me included. You're in my body you know. Just conjure yourself up some clothes.'

James snapped his fingers and he was immediately wearing a black suit.

'Nice. What is that? Italian?'

"Yup. So, tell me about these 'peoples.'"

'Well, for starters, they're not people. They're ponies.'

"Say what?"

As if to prove his point, a white stallion stomped over to him. He was wearing some gold armor and he had a stern expression on his face.

"Who are you!? What are you doing here!?" James only stared.

He held out his hand and calmly said: "There's nothing to see here. Go back to your post." The stallion looked dazed for a moment before turning around and calmly leaving. "I've always wanted to do that!" He claimed excitedly. "Jedi Mind trick, baby!" He laughed. "Let's get out of here." Snapping his fingers, the garden and courtyard disappeared and were replaced by a large forest.

"You know, Discord. I don't think I'll ever get tired of this."

'Yeah.' Discord laughed. 'I know what you mean.'

"And you never will again." He snapped his fingers and felt Discords presence slip away from his mind. Buried. "Now. Time to have some fun..."

Revelations

Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

"My little ponies," Began Princess Celestia. "Discord is free once again. As such, you all have been gathered to combat him just as you have once before. This battle, however, maybe the greatest one to date." She explained.

"But why, Princess?" Twilight asked. "What exactly has changed about Discord for you to believe this?" Surely it couldn't be all that different from the last time they saw him?

"His tactics. Discord has always been very ostentatious. He loved to show off and lord his power over everypony. We have witnesses---several of my guards, in fact---that saw Discord. They didn't recognize him at first, he seems to have taken on a new form, but instead of pranking the guard, he sent him away, erasing any memory of the incident. For some reason, he doesn't want to be found, at least for now. For Discord, this is...frighteningly out of character." The Princess confessed.

"I don't get it?" Rainbow Dash scratched her head. "Discord's thinking things through. So what? Twilight's a super egghead---she'll be able to see through any plan Discord'll come up with." The rest of the girls, save Twilight, nodded.

"Discord is far more intelligent than anyone gives him credit for. Frankly, he's far more intelligent than even us." Princess Celestia gestured between herself and Luna. "No one even knows where he came from. We ruled for centuries and out of nowhere Discord arrived. It's a miracle that we were able to seal him away at all." Princess Celestia admitted.

"Now hold on a second!" Applejack said. "Jus' how strong is Discord? You act like we're lucky tah be ahlive." She questioned.

"That is something that we cannot answer." This time, Luna spoke up. "In our battles against Discord, we have seen him do many things. Impossible things. No other creature has been able to duplicate his powers. No Pony, and no Alicorn. For all we know, there's nothing Discord can't do." Princess Luna said.

The Elements were rather stunned. Sure, they had seen Discord do some weird stuff. But they hadn't really taken it into account. Looking back, their Princesses were right. The things he was doing, no one should have been able to do. Just what was he, anyway?

*/)(*

Twilight's horn was alight with glittering purple energy. It cackled and hummed every so often, depending on the direction she was facing. The group of eight ponies that consisted of the Elements and their Princesses was trudging through a dark forest. The forest itself was massive, but it wasn't dark because it was late in the day, no, this forest was growing under Canterlot.

Well...not under as in underground. The forest rested in massive crevice in the side of Canterlot mountain. Canterlot was directly above it, so it was in the shade most of the time.

The Princesses had somber looks on their faces. They were in deep thought, no doubt worrying about the outcome of a possible battle. The rest of the Elements had varying expressions.

Except for Twilight. She was their guide.

Twilight discovered that Discord was radiating power. The whole garden was practically saturated in pure energy. And when he teleported away, he didn't go very far. After feeling the energy in the gardens, Twilight could easily sense the second source, no doubt Discord's hiding place.

All it took was a simple homing spell.

"Alright everyone, we're close!" Twilight alerted her compatriots. Everyone shook themselves from whatever they were thinking of, and focused on the task at hand.

They stepped into what they believed would be a clearing. Instead they found a large structure. It looked to be made out of nothing but stone and glass. It appeared to be some sort of dwelling.

They cautiously made their way down into the clearing, silently admiring the architecture. It didn't take long to make it to a door, which was open.

"Huh," Mumbled Rainbow. "looks like this'll be easier than we thought." The elements all seemed to agree. The princesses, however, shared a look. They just couldn't shake the feeling that something was...off.

Entering the large...home, they slowly made their way around it. Careful, and hoping not to set off any traps.

"Hey," Whispered Applejack. "Do any ah ya'll hear that?" She questioned. "It sounds like music." Leading them around a corner, they entered yet another hallway. The only difference was that there was steam emanating from one of the rooms. Once again, walking gingerly towards the steam filled room, the music became clearer.

...---art rollin'
The flood is callin'
We're all gonna drown in here tonight
This is something real for all of us
And this is how we roll can you feel it
So girl get up and dance you know what to do
Don't be shy this is why you came out here tonight
To let loose

The music itself was pretty catchy. The ponies couldn't help but sway to the music.

Tomorrow morning's gonna hurt
I hope I don't wake up in the dirt
One more sip and I'm fallin' asleep
Oh I've been hearing things I didn't do
But that versions up to you
And by and by we have survived

So don't start rollin'
The flood is callin'
We're all gonna drown in here tonight
This is something real for all of us
And this is how we roll can you feel it
So girl get up and dance you know what to do
Don't be shy this is why you came out here tonight
To let loose
This is something real for all of us
And this is how we roll can you feel it
So girl get up and dance you know what to do
Don't be shy this is why you came out here tonight to let loose
Let loose
Let Loose
Let Loose
Let Loose
Let Loose
Let Loose
Let Loose
Let Loose
So don't start rollin'
The flood is callin'
We're all gonna drown in here tonight

The music ended, but there was a definite voice still singing the song softly. Entering the room, it was easy to identify it as a bathroom. There was movement behind the shower curtain and suddenly, the sound of rushing water stopped. The ponies looked at each other briefly before nodding. Twilight stepped forward and placed a hoof at the end of the shower curtain.

Everypony gulped.

Twilight calmed her breathing. Finally gathering the courage, she quickly pushed the shower curtain sideways and looked to find...

Nothing?

No, that can't be right.

"What'cha looking for?" Said a male voice behind him. All eight ponies turned to look at the speaker.

"We are looking for...Discord!?" Cried Princess Celestia

The creature in front of them did not look anything like Discord. Frankly, she didn't know how to describe them. He was easily classified as some sort of ape. The hands arms and overall body shape simply screamed simian. And it was definitely a he. He hadn't conjured up any clothes for himself, and apparently whatever creature this was, its body shape placed it's genitalia on display.

"Sorry. Discord's gone."

"Discord! What trickery is this? Thou art not gone! Thou stands before us!" Exclaimed Luna.

"Just because you all perceive my power as Discord's doesn't mean that I'm Discord," The creature slowly brought his hand up and tapped the side of his head with his fingers. "up here." He said.

"W-what do you mean?" Fluttershy asked. The creature pressed his tongue to his cheek in thought. It snapped it's fingers and was immediately clothed in a black suit. He turned on his heel and made his way out the door. "Follow me."

*/)(*

They were sitting in a large room that was full of strange furniture. It was all designed to his body type after all. Luckily they could all rest on their sides easily. The creature was rather kind, it made them as comfortable as possible getting them food and drinks.

Finally making the final touches he even put on some music for them.

"So...ask away." The creature asked.

"Who art thou?" Demanded Luna.

"My name is James King."

"Where is Discord?" Asked Celestia.

"He's stuck in here." He tapped his forehead.

"How did...all of this get started anyway!?" This time it was Twilight demanding information. All eyes were on the human. He was sipping at his mocha frappuccino through a straw. He calmly placed the drink on a coaster on the coffee table.

"Well, it starts with Discord." He began. "As it turns out, Discord is far more powerful than any of you could even hope to imagine. He is, quite literally, a God." He watched their eyes widen. "I don't mean like a God. I mean a one-hundred percent, legitimate, I will smite thee GOD!" He watched the information sink in. "It was a miracle the Elements of Harmony are able to stop him at all. Anyway, as it turns out, Discord is one hundred percent conscious while quantum locked. And he even has access to his powers." This was new information. They all believed that the Elements completely stopped Discord. They believed it was akin to sleeping, or being unconscious. They never thought he was conscious.

"Anyway, long story short, he was bored jumped universes found me and decided to give me his power." This definitely confused the Ponies, so he elaborated. "When you froze Discord, the spell was meant for Discord, by putting my soul in Discord's body as well as giving me control, the spell didn't recognize me as Discord. So the spell released itself." The purple pony that had identified herself as Twilight Sparkle started going off on a tangent and chastising herself for not seeing it sooner.

"Anyway, I liked the idea of Godhood and decided I wasn't giving Discord anything back. Now he's stuck in here."

*/)(*

Hey everyone, the0espada here! just a couple things:

Thanks for all the faves and likes. Honestly I didn't think this story would be popular at all.

Anyway, thinking about it I have no idea where this story is going. "Seriously Overpowered" is a HUGE understatement with regards to my OC. There isn't a problem he can't snap his fingers and fix.

Because of this, I've decided to try and set this in the "Chess Game of the Gods" universe. My Character won't play any important role, but I hope I can get other author's permission to include their characters in my story. There is a chance they could say no.

Hopefully that won't be the case because I have an idea that I want to try out, but it will only work in the "Gods" universe.

Here's to hoping!

Also, here's the song my OC was singing along to while in the shower. It's called Let Loose by The Expendables. I love reggae.

And here's what his house looks like. Just picture it in the middle of a forest.

Here's what his living room looks like.