Not Funny Dot Jay Pegasus

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Tragedy, Horror, Main 6, Gore
Length: 1451

Rainbow Dash deals with zombies the only way the awesome pegasus knows how.

Cookie-craving zombies have taken over Ponyville. Up against a wall, there's only one thing for an awesome, brave pegasus like Rainbow Dash to do.

Published 2016-08-14 06:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-14 06:10:02 UTC

Dawn of the Living D'oh!

“CooOOooOOookieeeeesss!”

“CoooOOOoooOOOoookiesssss!”

“CoOoOoOoOokieeEEeeEEees!”

The deranged townsfolk of Ponyville shambled under moonlight, moaning and drooling as they closed in on the moonlit barn from all sides. Rainbow crumbs dribbled from their muzzles while they pushed and shoved at the doors and windows.

Crkkkk!

One by one, the planks haphazardly nailed into the windowframes gave way. Limp limbs and pale hooves poked through, groping at the hay-scented air as the pronounced moans resonated in undulating waves.

While Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom cowered in the center of the barn. Meanwhile, Rarity and Applejack shoved a wagon in front of the main door. And Rainbow Dash—

“Gnnngh!” Rainbow Dash busied herself with shoving wagon wheels, crates of wood, and bales of hay against every window and doorframe.

Outside, the villagers continued their eerie, mindless chants: “CoooOOOoooOOOoookieeeees!”

Panting, Rainbow shoved another rickety stack of furniture into place. She twirled to face her fellow five survivors. “Okay! So I may have switched all the Filly Guide cookies for joke cookies that were supposed to make ponies' mouths rainbow but somehow turned everypony into mindless cookie-eating zombies instead!” She flicked on a lamp and held it up in her hoof, illuminating a small patch of the barn's interior. Breathless, she stammered: “I figure we just... hide out here until the effects wear off, and as long as nopony else eats the cookies, we'll be fine.”

Just then, Rarity's voice came wavering sickly from the far corner: “That's lovely, darling... except for one thing.” Limping, Rarity drifted into the lamplight, exposing an inexplicably disheveled mane... and a muzzle covered with rainbow sprinkles. Hissing, she pointed a limp hoof forward: “We've already eaten themmmmmmmmmmmmm...”

Wincing, a horrified Rainbow Dash drifted backwards—nearly bumping into a beady-eyed Applejack. “Looks like your prank up and backfffffireddddd,” the farm mare wheezed, her muzzle awash with rainbow and drool.

“Dyaaaaaaah!” Rainbow shrieked, flying towards the ceiling. The lamp fell from her grasp...

...and landed on the hay-strewn floor of the barn. Rolling over, it revealed three uniformed crusaders with rainbow-splotched mouths. “Duaaaaaaaaaah!” Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom collectively wheezed, lumbering forward. “CoooOOOoooOOOookieeess!”

Rainbow Dash hugged herself, flying backwards as sweat and goosebumps spread like a plague across her fuzzy, shivering body. At the sound of a loud crash, she looked past her zombified companions.

A mindless Applejack had bucked the wagon away from the front door. The last barrier had been breached, and in marched the cookified horde of Ponyville—along with Spike, Twilight Sparkle, a grizzly bear, and every other living thing possessed by the tainted cookies' brain-numbing influence.

Rainbow Dash gasped. She watched—wide-eyed and breathless—as the drooling ponies shambled in from all sides. The pegasus shrank into a corner, picking up random cookie boxes and hugging them to her chest. “No! No!” She waved a shivering hoof. “Stay away! They're making you sick! You don't want these!”

Pinkie lurched at the head of the zombified wave. “But we dooooo!” Twilight and Mrs. Cake limped at her side. “We want coooOOOoooOOOookiieeees!”

“Please! Stop!” Rainbow was close to tears now. “I never meant for this to happen! It was just a harmless prank! It was supposed to be funny!” She cowered, clenching her teeth. “But this isn't funny at all!”

“Exxxxactly!” Pinkie Pie spontaneously broke character. Shuffling to a stop, she wiped the crumbs from her smiling muzzle. “See! Pranking isn't funny if nopony else is enjoying it!”

In the meantime, Rainbow Dash was sighing heavily. Flapping her wings, she flew up a few feet from the ground. “I now know what I have to do...”

“Good.” Twilight Sparkle stepped in. “Because I do hope you learned your lesson about cruel practical jokes—”

Rainbow Dash grabbed a rusted shovel from the nearby wall and held it up high. “I'm... s-sorry, Twilight...” She sniffled.

Twilight blinked. “Huh?” THWACK! Her lavender skull caved in, splattering brain matter across Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy's gaping faces.

“Rnnnngh!” Tears streaming, Rainbow Dash slammed and slammed and slammed the metal spade into Twilight's quivering neckspace. “I-I love you, Twilight! I love all of y-you!” She sobbed, gnashing her teeth. “And I promise to b-bury each and every one of you here in Ponyville!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy gasped, rainbow crumbs flying off her muzzle. “Stop—!” THUNK! Her eyes split apart—as did the rest of her skull as the shovel came down with monumental force.

“It's okay, Fluttershy!” Rainbow hissed, yanking the battered shovel out and then uppercutting Pinkie Pie with equal savagery. CLANG! “I'll make it quick and painless!” WHANGGG! Cheerilee's teeth flew against the barn wall. “Whatever's left to think of inside you all won't feel a thing!” WHACK! Big Macintosh's meaty body fell to the ground, quivering. “I promise!”

“Guhhh!” Sweating bullets, Applejack charged up and stomped her hooves. “Rainbow! Quit it! Put down that shovel!”

“You're right!” Rainbow frowned, tossing the instrument away. “It's too blunt a weapon!” Schiiiiing! She yanked a gigantic scythe off from the ceiling beam directly overhead. “Only one way to stop zombies in their tracks!” Swoooooosh! She flew into the crowd, eyes flaring. “Remove their heads! Raaaaaugh!”

SCHLUNNNK! Spike's skull flew off, trailing blood in an arch. SCHLUNKKKK! Mr and Mrs. Cake's craniums rolled across the floor and came to a rattling stop beside a pair of sobbing infants. SCHLUNKKK! SCHLINKKKK!

“Rarity, I-I'm scared!” Sweetie Belle wailed, staining the hay beneath her yellow.

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity shrieked. “What's gotten into you?!” She gestured at the herd of fleeing, screaming ponies. “Don't you see what's going on here?!”

“I do!” Rainbow Dash snarled. “They're adapting!” She tossed the scythe aside and flew towards a wooden locker across the barn. “Melee weapons are too slow! Gotta make sure they don't run off and infect any other towns!” With a grunt, she kicked the box open and pulled out a shotgun, pumping it. “FOR EQUESTRIA!”

BLAM! BL-BLAM! POW! BANG!

Fountains of blood baptized the screaming villagers. The ponies stampeded for the door, tripping and stumbling over one another in sheer panic. They formed a dogpile that blocked the only exit from the barn.

“Somepony...!” Scootaloo whimpered and wheezed. She looked at Applejack and Apple Bloom—both of whom were kneeling by the decapitated bodies of Big Mac and Granny Smith in a shocked stupor. “Do something!”

“I am, Squirt!” Rainbow Dash dropped the shotgun and kicked over a barrel of kerosene before picking up a lantern. “I've got the horde right where I want them!” She tossed the flaming object at the wall of pony flesh clamoring to flee the building. “Burn in Tartarus, you cookie-loving undead!”

FWOOOOOMB!

The whole barn lit up in a hellish blaze. The acrid smell of roasted pony flesh filled the building.

Sweetie Belle was a sobbing mess. Her teary eyes reflected flakes of roasted skin filling up every wooden crevice of the place. As her ears echoed with the wailing shrieks of the dying, she looked over at Rarity.

The fashionista was trotting over to where Rainbow Dash had dropped the shotgun. With a deadpan expression, she pressed the barrel to her muzzle and—

BLAM!

A fresh curtain of blood bathed Scootaloo's right side. She instantly wretched, vomiting up both her lunch and dinner.

“Duaaaah!” Rainbow gasped, spotting the upchucking filly. “Oh no! Scootaloo!” Fwooosh! She flew down and cradled the trembling pony. “You're already turning! I was too late to save you!”

“Save... me...” Scootaloo's pupils shrank as she stared numbly over Rainbow's shoulder. “Mommy... Daddy... d-don't want to see anymore...”

“Shhhh...” Rainbow cradled Scootaloo's body, sniffling. “It's okay, champ. It's okay.” She nuzzled the filly close. “With your last cognitive thoughts... know that the awesome heroics we've done here today will save all of ponydom.”

As the blaze spread across the barn, Scootaloo could barely squeak in reply. She didn't notice as Rainbow Dash dragged the shotgun over from Rarity's corpse.

“Shhhhhh... yes... that's it... just relax, Scoots. It'll all be over soon.” Rainbow patted the filly-scout's back. She looked towards the other side of the barn. “Go into the corner, Sweetie Belle. Shhh... don't look, kiddo.”

Numb, Sweetie Belle turned tail and did just that.

Chunks of ceiling and support beams fell, spitting up sparks and embers. The flames inched closer and closer, flickering around Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. Rainbow rocked the foal gently, humming a lullaby while stealthily cocking the shotgun one last time and putting it to both their heads.

“I'm glad to be with you, Scootaloo.” Rainbow Dash smiled, a soot-stained tear trickling down her muzzle... kissing hot iron. “Here at the end of all cookies.”

BLAM!

Author's Note

For what it's worth, I thought it was an adoracute episode and I loved it. F'naaaa.