A List of Things Ponies Aren't Allowed To Do (AKA Celestia and the Paperwork that Wouldn't Quit)

by Nickel Alloy

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Princess Celestia, Main 6
Length: 1802

Celestia has gotten fed up of all the letters coming in, day by day-- or the citizens coming in to ask her-- about what she will and won't allow. How do you get rid of that?

Celestia has gotten fed up of all the letters coming in, day by day-- or the citizens coming in to ask her-- about what she will and won't allow. How do you get rid of that?

It seems, by writing a long, long list that tells them what's what.

Rated T for slight mentions.

I am taking suggestions.

Published 2016-08-15 03:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-21 21:30:15 UTC

Prologue

"Subjects!" Celestia yelled from the top of Canterlot Castle. "I have gathered today to read you a list. I have gotten too many citizen's requests to allow certain things do be done in Equestria, and I am here to tell you....to THINK RESPONSIBLY and FIGURE OUT whether I will ACTUALLY APPROVE YOUR REQUEST."

Several ponies rolled their eyes. Pinkie Pie giggled. Others looked around nervously, wondering if theirs were among those that had submitted requests the princess had not liked.

"I have before me a very long list. " To prove this, Celestia dropped the end of the list off the castle while holding the top in her magic. It bounced down before touching the very tips of the grass below. "I would like you to listen to it. PLEASE. And then, stop coming in to ask for stupid things. I haven't actually finished the list yet, but today I will read the first installment of fifty. OK?"

Everyone gathered at the base of the castle nodded their assent.

"Ahem. Things ponies are not allowed to do....."

1 - 50

1. Pinkie Pie may not consume more than twice her own body weight in sugar over a 24-hour period.

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. "Suuuuuure, you'll catch me."

Celestia silently made a note to regularly correspond with the Cake family.

2. Sugarcube Corner is not actually made of sugar, and it will remain that way.

3. The Mirror Pool cannot be used to duplicate cake, even if you do share it with me.

4. Washable markers will always be used. Do not let Pinkie Pie anywhere close to a Sharpie.

5. The Grand Galloping Gala method of transport will not become ice-cream trucks. Or cement mixers filled with candy. Or cement mixers filled with applesauce.

6. "Pinkie Sense" is not an appropriate subject to teach in school.

7. "Apples" are not a religion. Even if you do worship apples, you may not set up "Apple Churches" atop "sacred apple grounds". Ponies live there.

Several of the Apple family humphed angrily. Whether it was indignation from being stereotyped or from having their request revoked, Celestia didn't know. She hoped it was the former.

8. There are no stores set up only for Daring Do fanfiction. Sorry, Rainbow Dash.

9. If you tease Discord and wake up the next morning with your head and butt switched, that's your fault. Do not sue me, because I can't help.

10. We do not want another incident. Therefore, Fluttershy will not be allowed in the gardens without an escort, especially at night.

11. "The Stare" is not an appropriate method to get out of paying bills.

12. Ursa Majors, Chimeras, Orthroses, Manticores, Cragadiles, or any other form of vicious magical creatures are not to be ridden as your "personal steeds". This means you, Trixie.

A blue unicorn in the audience raised her hoof. Celestia ignored it. The unicorn waved it in the air, smacking other ponies in the face, until Celestia sent a large intimidating stallion over to ask her to put her hoof down. When she did not, the stallion forcibly removed her from the grounds.

13. Birthday parties are OK. After-birthday parties can be tolerated. Throwing a party for every pony in Equestria every day because it's their "unbirthday" is not allowed.

14. Luna is not Nightmare Moon. Therefore, you are not allowed to shoot rainbow-colored guns at her to "make sure she's not trying to go anywhere". (Who asked this?)

"Me!" shouted a random pony in the audience. It turned out to be Button Mash's older brother, Joystick, who was co-incidentally wearing a Pony Kombat T-shirt.

15. There will be no alicorn princesses of "early library returns".

16. You are not allowed to name a foal after its first word. Especially if its first word is something inappropriate.

17. "Love poison" is not an excuse for stalking your ex.

18. You may not loudly sing "Gonna fly into the Danger Zone" at the top of your lungs every time you see a Wonderbolt. No, it is not their anthem, and it will not become their anthem.

"But--"

19. The Wonderbolts do NOT HAVE AN ANTHEM, NOR WILL THEY EVER GET ONE.

"Aw."

20. Because it's not "in season" is not a valid excuse to steal clothing. Especially if the pony is wearing it at the time.

21. Any sentence that includes any word that starts with "necro-" is illegal.

22. You may not capture ponies for your personal harem. Especially if the reason is "because somepony shipped me with them".

23. You may not use any living creature as a test subject for new spells.

24. You may not cast "Want it, Need it" spells on yourself. See #17.

25. "Trying to ask Big Mac questions that aren't yes/no" will not become a national sport.

26. You may not play the Rainbow Factory song when foals are at flight practice.

27. You may not dub yourself "the ruler of cheese".

28. Flugelhorns are not allowed outside of the Crystal Empire.

29. Rainbow Dash is not Skittle-flavored. Therefore, there will not be any candy labeled "Rainbow Dash flavor".

30. Releasing Tirek so he and I can "duke it out" is not a valid pastime.

31. You may not scream "waifu theif" at random ponies.

32. Whatever "breakdancing" is, don't do it.

33. You may not tell foals that "snogging" means "studying with somepony for a big test".

34. You may not Photoshop anypony into a compromising position with anypony else.

35. "Because I was playing Pokemon Go" is not an excuse for skipping school or work.

Several foals whined. One, oblivious to the world around her, followed her phone into a tree.

36. The Crystal Heart is not made of rock candy. You cannot eat it. You also cannot make fake Crystal Hearts out of rock candy and tell ponies that they "need love to work". It has proved for awkward situations.

37. Jell-O wrestling is not allowed.

38. You may not claim to be the seventh Element of Harmony. Especially if it is the Element of: cheese, screwdrivers, sex appeal, YouTube, or fanfiction.

39. You are not allowed to call Discord "Q".

40. "Sweet Apple Massacre" was not written, condoned, or confirmed by Big Mac. In fact, all events depicted in it are completely false.

41. You may not sing "Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing On Rainbows". Unless it is only to Fluffle Puff.

42. There will be no ship wars about the Power Ponies.

43. You may not sing or dance to the following: Gangnam Style, Peanut Butter Jelly Time,  or the Star Wars theme.

44. Lubricant is not frosting.

45. You are not allowed to rename yourself "Thor".

46. Spike, the Crystal Empire is not a buffet. Nor are the crystal ponies "life-size snacks".

47. There is no occupation known as "the royal jester".

48. You may not smear chocolate frosting on yourself and then tell other ponies you "had a little accident with the toilet" for a joke.

49. You may not petition to change my name to Sunbutt. Same goes for Luna and Moonbutt, Cadence and Heartbutt, Rarity and Gembutt, etc.

50. You are not allowed to tell foals that the strip club in Canterlot is an arcade.

"Citizens of Equestria," Celestia said in a raspy voice, "come back in two days for the next fifty. Today you can think about the first fifty."

The crowd, mumbling, dispersed, and the princess ran inside to get a glass of water. When she had finished gulping it down, she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in?"

The door opened for her to find the large stallion from before, holding what looked like a hundred scrolls. They were probably more requests, just to find loopholes.

Celestia groaned. "It's going to be a very long day."

Interlude - Paint The White Roses Red

"I'm working," Celestia growled as she flung open the door. She wasn't usually this irate, but she was dealing with a large mound of paperwork from Yakyakistan that mostly consisted of "NOT PERFECT!"

"S-sorry, y-your m-Majesty," said the meek pony standing outside the door. "I just w-wanted to know if you'd l-like to c-come and see?"

Celestia sighed. It was Invisible Ink, the castle mail deliverer, who was so nervous that everyone not a pegasus nor an earth pony was going to smite him for doing a bad job that he constantly stuttered.

"What is it?" No doubt something about that infernal list...

"U-um, it's the C-Cutie Mark Crusaders...."

"Say no more." Celestia had gotten numerous reports from Twilight about the CMC, usually about how they'd nearly destroyed the town. As she stalked through the hallways, she imagined what they had done this time. Or how'd they'd even gotten to Canterlot.

When she arrived at the garden, she saw the three fillies being chased angrily by both their older sisters and a team of palace guards, trailing a red paintbrush behind them. She stepped in front of the fillies, cornering them, and stared down at them disapprovingly.

"And what do you think you're doing?"

Two fillies pushed a small white unicorn forward. Was this Scootaloo? No, she was a pegasus. This was....Sweetie Belle, right. The loud one. She wasn't so loud today, apparently, because she mumbled something Celestia couldn't hear.

"What was that?" She tried to seem kind, but everything today was getting on her nerves, so it came out as the kind of thing a mother uses to reprimand a very small foal.

"Um," said Sweetie Belle. "We, um, snuck on the train because we wanted to hear the rest of the list...."

"I haven't finished writing it yet. It's the god-forsaken MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT."

"Well, while we were waiting we decided to become Cutie Mark Crusader Gardeners...and I'd read in a book how this really mean princess made her gardeners paint the roses red...and we thought maybe you'd like that?"

"You thought," mumbled the orange one, Scootaloo.

"No, we thought," said Sweetie Belle, shooting a look at her friend. "But then our sisters found us. And so did the gardeners. And they may have gone the teeniest, tiniest bit nutty."

Celestia massaged her temples with one hoof. "Okay. Why don't you and your sisters find a nice hotel room to stay in, and we can talk about this in the morning. Ok?"

"Hey, don't talk ta us like we're--"

"We understand," said Sweetie Belle, cutting off the third one, a yellow filly with a bow in her mane. "We'll go now. Raaaaaarity!"

"I'm. Right. Here," groaned Rarity, who had been standing right behind the fillies and had gotten the full force of the yell. She herded the fillies away, and Celestia trudged back to the castle to finish her current paperwork.

Damn you, Hoovis Carroll...

50 - 100

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