Welcome to the Big Leagues

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2213

Celestia and Luna's first attempt to stop Discord didn't go as well as anyone hoped.

Once upon a time, in the chaotic land of whatever its unruler felt like calling it at the moment, two sisters discovered their destinies and awakened their true potential. Flush with vast, cosmic power, they challenged the master of creation.

As was often the case when dealing with him, it didn't go according to plan.

Written for F*** THIS PROMPT! 13. Prompt: Immortality makes ponies very emotional.

Published 2016-08-15 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-15 16:10:01 UTC

Two Former Flies Meet a Wanton Boy

In a paradox befitting the unruler of the world, Discord's court was in constant flux, yet never really changed. Chaos was countless patterns laid over one another, and what seemed to be continual, crazed change was all in the eye of the beholder, different aspects of the overwhelming environment moving in and out of focus like an elder god's kaleidoscope.

Discord himself reclined across the arms of his throne—crafted more for lumbar support than as a symbol of sovereignty—enjoying the protean panoply as it unfolded, for he had designed it such that even his eyes could not quite grasp all of it at once.

A clangorous din made him look up appreciatively, for the unexpected was always a welcome guest. The sources of the clanking did not disappoint, every bit as delightfully intriguing as they sounded. Both were enormous, metallic, vaguely quadrupedal lumps, so bulky that Discord could not tell whether the creatures within were wearing them or riding them. One was a reddish gold, done up in starbursts and other distasteful examples of radial symmetry. The other was almost mercurial; enormous, yes, but somehow elegant in its enormity, the smoothness of line and flow of motion somewhat belying its sheer size. Both practically thrummed with their contained power; the bulk of the material wasn't metal but solidified magic.

“Well now,” said Discord. He slithered into a somewhat more dignified pose, sitting somewhat properly, the better to meet guests. Still, he had a paisley-patterned mushroom sprout so he could put his feet up. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"It is anything but pleasure that brings us here!" the silver titan cried in a voice so full of righteousness it made Discord want to either pinch the speaker's cheeks or gag. Possibly both at once.

The golden figure's tone was, if anything, even more hilariously self-important. "We have come to end your tyranny once and for all, monster!"

Discord flinched back. "Tyranny? Moi? Are you mad?" He grinned. "Always good to see my influence in the youth of today."

"Enough!" shouted the golden one. "We shall end you here and now!" They charged the throne.

Discord couldn’t help but laugh and applaud at the show. He put a bit more force into the last clap, and the two hulks came to a halt a moment before they could touch him. "Well done, ladies, well done. Why, I almost had to put real effort into the spell at the end." A stray thought wrenched the helmets—which, like the rest of the armor, were now peanut brittle—off of the two figures, revealing two furious faces, one light, one dark. Another whim gleaned their names from their unshielded thoughts. "Celestia and Luna, is it? Wonderful to meet you. I've been hoping for a moment like this."

"You mock us at your peril, Discord!” Luna spat. She then literally spat at him, the globule pausing just before hitting him and shooting off into space instead.

"We will defeat you!" added Celestia.

"Yes, yes, eternal vengeance, for great justice, et cetera, et cetera." Discord yawned. "Honestly, girls, do you really want to play this game?"

"Game?" said Luna, gawping for a moment before she put her war face back on. "You think we do this to entertain ourselves?"

"We do it for the sake of our ponies, you fiend!"

Discord blinked and straightened up, lowering the glasses he hadn’t been wearing a moment before. "I’m sorry, could you repeat that?" He gave a chuckle. "Oh, listen to me. Asking, as if I can’t just make you." He twirled a digit widdershins.

As he did so, Celestia’s movements reversed, and she emanated distorted sounds. Discord let go of the bit of spooled time, and she again said, "We do it for the sake of our ponies, you fiend!" Then she blinked and scowled all the harder.

Discord shook his head. "Incredible. And you call me mad. Which I am, which makes me rather qualified to recognize it in others, wouldn’t you say? In any case, firstly, they’re my ponies. Get your own; then I can have more. Secondly…" Discord hummed to himself. "With the obvious ownership issue out of the way, I’m really not sure which part of this is the most absurd. What do you think you’re getting out of this?"

"Freedom for those who have known only strife and suffering! Freedom from one who—" Luna’s tirade ended abruptly as she found a wadded ball of cloth stuffed in her mouth.

"Fascinating," said Discord, stroking his goatee. "You really believe that, don't you? I wonder, is it post hoc rationalization, or do you really just not know the difference?"

Luna managed to dislodge the socks with her tongue in time to say, "What are you blathering about, monster?"

Discord pouted as he stood and began climbing the air as though ascending an invisible staircase. “Really now, we’re having such a delightful conversation. Must you ruin it with name-calling?”

Celestia turned up her nose. "If you would demand respect, you must first give it."

"And by that logic, pardon my language, no one could ever give respect at all. We'd all be waiting on the other fellow." A few steps up and at the sisters' eye level, Discord began to pace on nothing. "But I digress from a most intriguing topic. Tell me, what do you remember of your mortal lives?"

Luna narrowed her eyes. "Why should we tell you?"

"Because I asked politely. Or, if there's no room for that sort of thing in the villain archetype you've mentally stuffed me in, because I might end you with a thought if you don't deign to indulge my curiosity. Fun as you are, I really don't want to, but if you refuse to play along, well..." Discord trailed off. His head sliding off of his body said all he needed to.

The sisters shared a long look, speaking volumes with tiny twitches of eye and ear. Finally, they faced him again.

"Foalhood," said Celestia.

"Learning of the horror that held all of equinity in its twisted grasp," Luna added.

"Adolescence."

"Where we were urged to find suitable mates soon, so that some day, a pony might live to see your downfall."

"Finally finding our marks."

"And with them the knowledge that that blessed time had come at last."

Discord smirked, having grown a new head during their response. "I'm noticing a theme here. Aside from belaboring the whole 'You don't like me' point, you appear to be laboring under a fascinating misconception. Really, the idea that ponies somehow... matter. That they're any more aware than the average social insect." He chuckled. "It's delightfully absurd."

"How dare you!?" Celestia shouted, straining against her delicious prison.

"I wouldn't call it daring; that implies an element of risk, something embarrassingly difficult for me given my portfolio."

Luna scoffed. Discord had to admit, it was a decent scoff. Good balance of condescension and spittle, seven out of ten. "As if a creature like you could feel shame."

"Remember the whole 'could destroy you with a thought' thing? Again, not something I want to do, but keep insulting me and we'll see how that changes." Discord sighed. "Still, I should make allowances for your prior circumstances. Now, how to explain this to the newly sapient..." He crossed his forelimbs. "I must say, you two are putting me into a bind."

"Yes," Luna said with a flat look. "Clearly you are the one being bound."

Discord laughed. "Fair point, yes." A flash of light, and he too was encased in nut-studded sugar. "Any better?"

Both sisters still looked distinctly unamused.

"Honestly, the lengths I go to for you two." Discord opened the hatch in his peanut brittle and climbed out, savoring the ponies' attempts at subtly checking for any such escape routes in their own. "Now, I'm far from the best immortal to explain the ins and outs of reality to you, but I'm all you have. Horror of horrors, I need to be the mature one here." He shuddered. "Pardon me if I retch at some point."

Discord cleared his throat, adjusted his professorial robes, extended a pointer, and called up a spinning illusion of a pony, horn and wings flickering on and off of it at random, though never at the same time. "Consider the pony, available with a variety of anatomical accessories. A creature of order and harmony, guided by a thread of destiny and designed to come together with its peers to form a whole greater than the sum of its parts." A moment's exertion dispelled the image and the matching outfit, leaving only a disgusted draconequus. "In other words, a cog in a greater machine. One might argue that a herd of ponies constitutes a sort of simple memetic sapience, but an individual pony has about as much agency and significance as an individual ant." Discord quirked an eyebrow "Any questions?"

"Base lies!" cried Luna

"You understand nothing of equinity!" said Celestia.

Discord shook his head. "Ah, the arrogance of youth. I have seen eons pass, my dears. I have some idea of what I'm talking about. Given that brain using that magic over that lifespan, you expect anything beyond the barest rudiments of individuality or emotional development? I'm the physical incarnation of insanity, and even I think that sounds crazy."

Celestia sneered. "You may pretend to wisdom, but you have never known a pony, save to watch one grovel before you or caper for your amusement."

"You do not know the struggle that is simply trying to survive in this world!" added Luna.

Discord held up his hands. "Ladies, ladies, please. I never meant to imply that that applied to you. Well, not anymore, anyway. You see, you two have made a quantum leap on the magical, physical, and psychological levels. You're not playthings anymore; you're players." He beamed. "I finally have someone with whom I can share this sandbox! You just need to accept that what you do to the grains of sand you used to know doesn't matter beyond how much it amuses you. It's only immoral if the victim's immortal, and even then it's still fun." He put an arm around each sister, curlers in his mane and cucumbers over his eyes. "So, what do you want to do first?"

"Free our people."

"Prove you wrong."

"End your tyranny once and for all."

Discord sighed and removed his fluffy bathrobe. "You said that already." He shook his head. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. You're still thinking like mortals, if you'll pardon the oxymoron. My chaos, you're even still thinking like earth ponies, and that's really using the term loosely. All this power, all these new abilities, and what do you do? Make enormous suits of physical armor, as though that's going to help, completely ignoring your wings and barely using your horns." He tut-tutted. "You're going to need to do a lot better than that.

"It does nothing but prove my point. Until recently, you two were walking in your little preordained rut, same as anypony. You were fortunate enough to stumble up a ramp, but you're still moving in the same direction out of force of habit. You don't need to anymore. You can really think and feel now, not just get your primitive cortices tickled by some harmonious feedback mechanism that keeps your kind from recognizing the futility of their existence long enough to reproduce. Your lives really do have a purpose now, and that purpose is whatever you want it to be. Are you really going to waste such an incredible opportunity by throwing yourselves at one of the few things on this planet that can still kill you?"

"Yes," both sisters said, without a moment of hesitation.

Discord shrugged, floating on his back. "Then have fun."

The ponies both looked stunned. They turned to one another, then back to Discord. "What?" said Celestia

"As I said, your lives' purpose is whatever you choose, and if you really want to play Clash of the Titans, who am I to say no?" Discord smirked as he settled back across the arms of his throne. "The answer, of course, is 'Your better in every conceivable way,' but among those ways is my superior capacity to respect your choices." He snapped his claws, and the peanut brittle vanished. He made a shooing motion. "Go on, then. You can have take two of your little fight scene whenever you want. I'm sure you know where to find me."

The sisters said nothing more, turning and galloping away before spreading their wings and taking clumsy flight.

"You know something?" Discord said to no one in particular. "I actually sort of hope they do beat me. It would be so deliciously novel."

Author's Note

The first two bonus prompts—"Alicorns are super susceptible!" and "Draconequi are ponies too!!"—got me thinking. If immortality makes ponies very emotional, by extension, that means that mortality makes them barely emotional at all. Almost like video game NPCs with a few preprogrammed reactions. And from a certain draconequus's perspective, long before he ever met Fluttershy...

Well, it probably helps that I've been reading a lot of Alara Rogers's Q fan fiction of late.