Cake

Chapters

Princess Celestia
Princess Luna
Princess Cadence
Twilight Sporkal

Princess Celestia

I tapped my hoof on the edge of the throne, glancing left and right impatiently. I sighed, before leaning down and whispering to the Shining Sunlight. "Is anypony waiting outside? Did the maids unlock the door this morning?"

He nodded. "Yes Princess. It appears that there simply isn't anything vexing the kingdom today."

I frowned and looked around again. "I see."

"Princess, if I could ask you a question?"

I tilted my head and raised an eyebrow. "Of course." I responded, leaning against the side of the throne towards him in curiosity. "What's on your mind, Captain?"

"Why have all the Captains of the Guard for the last three hundred years had 'shining' in their name?"

I blinked. Drat, "...Are you sure that's the case?"

He reached under his armor and pulled out a scroll. "Er... Yes, Princess. I'm sure." He levitated it up to my view, showing their names. "In fact, I made this list a week ago due to how... concerning it was to me." In chronological order.

I skimmed through the names, heartstrings pulling every now and then, and sometimes the gears in my head crawling to a stop at a couple names I had forgotten. "So... You're convinced that you were only picked due to your name."

He seemed to hesitate until I looked from the list to him. "Yes, your highness. I was... curious if that was the case."

I nodded slightly. "I see. Well," I felt around my quarters with a fetching spell, "I'll be honest with you, Captain." The air in front of my popped, one of my own lists appearing in my grasp near his. "You're half right." I gave him the list. "I went through the list of every guard enlisted in the local tri-mountain area, and I compiled a list of all the ones who had 'shining' in their name, then I created the second and third column on the list that is which of them is already a high ranking official or whom I've had a pleasant experience with." He seemed to be glancing through each name with ever widening eyes. "After that, I had my secretary compile a second list of actually good recommendations for captain and cross-checked this list and that list for common names."

"I see."

I sighed, "Well your name wasn't on the recommendations list to be even more honest." He shook his head slowly, glancing from the list to me. "But you almost qualified for it!" I assured him, likely calming his nerves. He hoofed me my list back, and I, his list to him. "I promise that you're doing an excellent job. Much better than I ever could have expected."

He grimaced, and said, "Of course, Princess."

«♦»

I threw my list against the wall. "I can't believe this!"

"Sister, I think you need to calm d-"

"Luna, I trusted him with a carefully guarded royal secret I've kept for the last three centuries. Centuries! That's longer than his lifetime by three times!" I groaned and held my head between my hooves. "And he resigned! He resigned and blabbed to the news! Now I'm going to get an overflow of guards named Shining Swordpolish or something; they're all going to legally have their names changed to shining something because of this!"

Luna stood in the doorway, her eyes closed and a hoof held against her forehead. "Why? Just why did you only pick the stallions named 'shining'?"

I huffed, "I was in a mood."

«♦»

“If I follow the inclination of my nature, it is this: beggar-woman and single, far rather than queen and married.”

― Elizabeth I

Princess Luna

Celestia slammed her head against the back of the Throne of Friendship. "Luna! Luna help me!" She screeched. Nothing responded, the room was quiet. ...Too quiet. She cracked an eye and looked around the court, from the petrified noble mare, to the shocked guards. "I said, Heyeayeayea! Hey-"

"No more!" The doors flew opened, slamming into the guards on either side. "Neigh, sister! I said neigh! No more shall thee torture us with this music from the depths of the darkest pit! Neigh!" Luna righteously stomped across the court, "Ye, creature of the bleakest womb, being of the darkest creation; What say you, Monster?!" She pointed her fabulous hoof at the white cake monger. "I beseech you now!"

"Nyaah!" She gaffed, leaning back in her throne. "Luna! Whatever are you talking about my lovely sister?"

Luna, the brave and powerful, fluffed her mane, and scowled. "You know exactly what I'm talking about, 'Sister'!" She pointed her hoof at Celestia again.

Celestia cried, "Noooo!" and felled to her knees aside the throne, "Alas, dear sister, you are correct! I am a monster of true horrible-ness!" She curled in on herself and slapped her hoof on the floor, "I'm so sorry, sister! You should take the throne as the ruling sister!"

I stomped my hooves, standing out of the chair. "No! No no no!"

Celestia and Luna froze and looked over at me. "What?" Celestia asked quietly.

I sighed, flapping my wings and soaring down to the stage. "Are you suggesting that was a spectacular performance? Are you displaying to me your view of my dear, beloved sister, is that of a crying push over?" I questioned, gesturing to 'Celestia' with a subtle gest of the hoof.

"N-No, Princess Luna. But the script say-"

I brought a hoof up to my horn and sighed, drawing my head back as I groaned in agony. "I know what the script says!" I crouched down and gave the mare a look. "But that doesn't excuse you falling on the floor and acting like a crying foal."

Her horn lit as she levitated as she brought the script over from the edge of the stage. "B-But you drew a sketch here on the corner that shows this scene and she's crying on the floor!"

«♦»

"I'm not a playwright."

—Bob Dylan

Author's Note

Princess Luna wrote a play and the actors disappoint her.

Princess Cadence

"But... You're a princess."

"Technically I'm an Empress and a Princess." I sighed, rubbing the side of my head. "The Crystal Empire and Equestria are different countries but I'm co-leader of both because of this whole political thing from a few thousand years ago and we can't just..." I gave the mare a look. "It's complicated, okay?"

"Well even more so, you have an image to uphold. You can't have this," She gestured to Flurry Heart, "happening in plain sight, or, if I had my way, at all for that matter."

I stared. "I can't naturally feed my daughter until the end of court, which lasts from six in the morning to eight at night." I said in monotone. "Miss, I don't think you understand the slightest thing about foals, do you?"

"I understand plenty to know that this is completely disgusting and appalling." She tilts her head up and scowls at the ceiling. "So I suggest you conceal your foal immediately."

I blinked. Was that a threat I heard just now? I then leaned forward, offering her an ear with a slight smirk. "Or what?"

She leaned in towards me, her scowl turning to a smirk of her own. "Or I'll tell everypony."

«♦»

"Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is the best mom on Equus!" The paper colt said, waving the paper above his horn. "Breast feeding during court, read all about it!"

I grinned, leaning back on my new couch throne as Flurry Heart suckled away. "Wow, did you hear the news?" Shining Armor walked into the court and handed me paper. "You're like... A hero to mothers everywhere now."

I smiled. "I know dear, I know."

«♦»

“Breasts are a scandal because they shatter the border between motherhood and sexuality.”

—Iris Marion Young

Twilight Sporkal

My eye twitched as I scanned the sentence again. And again. Then once more, hoping I had spontaneously grown a brain tumor and misread it the first two times. "They misspelled my name."

I heard Spike move his comic book out of his face. Then gems crunched for a moment before he mumbled, "...What?" through a mouth full of gemstones.

I slammed the paper on the table, pointing at the incriminating sentence. "In Canterlot Daily, they misspelled. My. Name. Me, Princess Twilight Sparkle." I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose with my magic. "I would understand if I weren't royalty, but I'm literally one of the leaders of the entire country these ponies live in!" I pulled up my mug of coffee, "Whoever this," I peered at the bottom left of the article, "Note Pad pony is, she has some nerve!"

After a moment of me glaring at the newspaper, I heard Spike cough, "She?" I looked over at him, raising a eyebrow out of my anger.

"Yeah?"

"How do you know it's a she?"

"Well." I blinked. "Statistically speaking, most ponies tend to be of the female se-"

Spike smiles a little. "How do you know?"

I stared at him. "...Really?" I put the mug down. "You're gonna do this now? Right now?"

"Eeyup."

«♦»

I smiled. "Thank you Aj, I couldn't believe it this morning when Spike wouldn't stop crying about taking a month out of his summer to help you around the farm."

Applejack tipped her hat. "Well Ah should be thankin' you, Twilight. We can always use more hooves around the farm." She glanced down at the sleeping dragon. "But did you really have to bring him at midnight?"

"We may or may not have had an argument about the statistically dominant gender of the nation." I paused. "I was correct by the way."

Applejack have me a confused look, tilting her head slightly. "What in tarnation are you on about, Twi?"

I brought my hoof to the side of my forehead, "Just... work some apple magic on him. Whatever parenting method you use on Applebloom; she's a sweetie."

«♦»

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

― Rodney Dangerfield