Chapters At the Edge of Hope and Reason
A lonely pick dot stood amongst a seemingly endless ocean of browns and grays.
Starlight Glimmer found herself staring out across a barren wasteland, the sand dunes shifting soundlessly around her as an ill wind spiraled through. She stood there, her entire body shivering violently in the knowledge that the grim reaper who had wrought this grand expanse of emptiness was her and her alone.
A memory burned white-hot in the back of the unicorn's brain.
With the taste of revenge sickly-sweet on her tongue and Father Time's magic forged as her scythe, she had so thoughtlessly cleaved. A manic smile full of fangs stretched from ear to ear as the pink mare of the future watched her work unfold before her. Equestria's hourglass shattered and its contents spilled forth. From it, a dusty avalanche of never-woulds and could-have-beens suffocated the land; everything that once was vanishing from sight, buried beneath a sandy tomb.
There was nothing. Nothing but dead silence.
A voice that Starlight only barely registered as her own whispered inside her head, "It's gone. It's all gone."
Her knees buckled and she fell, no longer capable of carrying the weight of her sins. Hot tears scalded her cheeks like droplets of molten iron, each one containing a vivid memory of the world she once knew. Equestria had been a land of love and loyal kinship, and in her selfish quest for vengeance she had destroyed it.
"Did it feel good? Did it? Was that one moment of victory worth all of this?" came that same, whispering voice.
The bile in her stomach boiled as her mind plucked the proper, painful answer.
It felt awful. Nothing was worth this.
Starlight had taken the snowglobe that was the world, shaken it just to see it suffer, then thrown it against her wall. Each shard of glass that fell as the orb exploded had a face that she recalled and a name that she would one day come to cherish. Now though, they merely littered her floor like discarded bits of trash that threatened razor pain if she dared to step too close.
She didn't dare.
Starlight looked up from her seat in the sand and craned her neck. She spied a cliff that she knew to stretch out and over a roiling black sea. The waters there were turbulent and crashed against the cliffside with such ferocity, unrelenting in their efforts to erode the stubborn rock and lay claim to the debris. Attempting to swim that sea would be pure insanity.
"Only an madmare would even dare to try. Do you, Starlight? Do you dare?"
A knot formed in the unicorn's throat. Try as she might, she couldn't swallow it.
Yes, she dared.
After all, it would only take one jump. Just a little hop, skip, and a jump, and she could have peace from this damning purgatory. The sand would no longer itch and grate against the skin beneath her coat, the wind would stop clawing at her eyes, and the desert silence would fade as the ocean's roaring calamity carried her off towards realms unknown.
"Then go, Starlight. Go and fly."
Starlight wearily took to her hooves, just as she always did, and made her way towards the cliff. At the edge, she sat herself down, her empty gaze drifting out into dark waters. The unicorn's mind swam, just as her exhausted body longed to do, adrift with conflicting thoughts and feelings that she wished she could simply drown.
Starlight shook her head, resigned. There was only one means of escape.
One final whisper, "Fly."
Along the edge of a quiet desert, as the sea spat against resisting stone, a single mare kissed the sky and begged forgiveness from every pony she ever had the honor of knowing.
~ w ~
Starlight jolted awake as though she had been physically struck, ragged breaths escaping her chest as the adrenaline that had fueled her sudden start only then began to fade. Baggy eyes, moist from sobbing, scanned her bedroom inside Twilight Sparkle's crystal castle. On her nightstand rested the bodies of three dead soldiers, two empty wine bottles and one empty bottle of gin.
Leaping out of her bed, she galloped from her room like a pony possessed, her destination a balcony perfectly positioned to lovingly embrace the view of the tiny town surrounding it. Her chest hit the protective guardrail hard enough to crack a rib, though if she did then she certainly didn't notice. Her gaze was transfixed, looking out across Ponyville; her home and the home of her seven closest friends.
It was still there.
As in her dream, Starlight fell to her knees, her eyes watering over once again. She felt sand that wasn't there scratch at her skin and seep deep inside her body, the sensation picking at her bones like a gang of hungry vultures. Her ears picked up the sounds of nighttime Ponyville, owls hooting and crickets chirping; each echoing just loudly enough to grant some solace from the barren, ominous quiet that plagued her heart.
It was still there.
But as Starlight knew all too well, in a future averted, it wasn't.
Starlight heaved her head over the rail just in time to spare the poor balcony, violent spasms rippling through her belly as it voided itself and she lost her lunch. A stream of bile and the half-digested remains of three daisy sandwiches from earlier that afternoon splattered unceremoniously against the ground far below. The scent of high-proof, low-shelf alcohol assaulted her nose and made her head spin as though she'd only just seconds ago chugged another bottle.
Her mind a chaotic torrent of emotions that the rest of ponykind would likely never be privy to, Starlight wiped away any vile vomit still lingering on her chin once she felt that the tremors deep in her gut had finally subsided. Trembling on unsteady hooves, she then laid herself down and openly wept.
Though they lived and breathed in the present, blissfully unaware, the sobbing unicorn knew that at one point in time she had still killed them all. The blood on her hooves was enough to fill the black sea that she had so willingly thrown herself into and no amount of scrubbing could ever rid her of it.
Her hooves were red. Her coat, mane, and tail were all blood red.
Her soul was stained scarlet and Starlight plead to the starry sky above for something powerful enough to cleanse it.
No answer came.
Author's Note
Welp, here's a first attempt. Let's see where this takes me.
At the Edge of Hope and Reason
"Girls, I need to talk to you," Twilight announced as her friends circled around her.
The purple princess had instructed Spike to summon all of their friends to the castle; an urgent issue had come up and it demanded their full attention. Luckily, the baby dragon's legs carried him far faster than one would think possible for someone his size and he successfully rounded-up the others in record time.
There was, however, a reason for Spike's uncharacteristic speed. Like Twilight, he was worried.
"What's up?" asked Rainbow Dash, flaring her wings and flashing a cocky grin. "We got some new baddie to lay the smack-down on? I could go for a good fight or three before lunch."
"Of course you could," Rarity chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Really, Rainbow, must everything end in sweat and violence with you? At least try to consider diplomacy as an option, darling."
"Hey, a good scuffle makes things more exciting," the colorful mare retorted, grinning wider. "I can't help that. So, who's in need of a swift kick to flank this time?"
Twilight simply shook her head.
"It's nothing like that," she said, her tone hesitant and confused. Her eyes shifted anxiously between each of her friends' expectant expressions.
Taking notice of the alicorn's mounting tension, Applejack placed a comforting hoof on her shoulder and assured her, "We're here for ya, Twi. If somethin's wrong, we'll all lend a hoof to help. You know you can count on us."
Letting out a breath that she hadn't realized she was holding in, Twilight nodded her head in thanks and backed away to get a better view of the entire group.
"I'm worried," she explained, nervously shuffling back and forth in place as she spoke. "Something's wrong with Starlight, I can tell. I asked her the other day to fill me in; told her that Spike and I would always be there to listen if she needed us, but she wouldn't talk about it. She wouldn't talk about anything . She just stood there... staring."
"Where is she now?" Fluttershy quietly questioned, her voice even but concerned. "I saw her on the balcony when I was on my way inside. I waved hello, but... um... I guess she didn't see me."
"She's still there," the princess replied, brow knitted and expression strained. "She's been there for over four hours."
"Four and a half," Spike amended from his position on Twilight's back.
At that, everypony's eyes widened.
"Yesterday, after she finally came inside, I asked her again," Twilight sighed sadly, "but she just brushed it off as simple 'alone time'. I could buy that, I think, but the length of time she's been spending just standing there is starting to scare me and she's been doing it for weeks now."
Nodding his head, Spike added, "Nothing snaps her out of it either. She kinda just comes to eventually, like she's been asleep standing up or something. Gives me the creeps."
Twilight turned her head to face the small dragon on her back and glared. To his credit, he only shied away an inch or two.
"Well, what can we do?" Applejack questioned as she adjusted her hat. "Ah hate to see mah friends troubled by somethin' an' if she's spendin' that much time just standin' around starin' at nothin', then it definitely sounds like she's got some serious troubles goin' on."
"I don't know," Twilight answered, shaking her head, "but that's not all."
Flapping her wings and bringing herself into a low hover, Rainbow asked, "It's not?"
The young alicorn stared down at her hooves for a long moment before answering, "She's... she's been drinking lately too; quite a lot and she's been trying to hide it from me. She's kept up with her studies and her chores around the castle for the most part, but I've smelled it on her breath; seen the trips and stumbles that she tries to cover up whenever she enters the room and knows that Spike and I are watching."
"Ah've seen that before," Applejack said, tapping a hoof against the floor, "an' coupled with all that time she's spendin' out there on the balcony, well, now Ah ain't guessin' no more. Ah know somethin's wrong. Hittin' the sauce every once in a while for fun's all fine an' dandy, but every other day? That ain't good."
"Actually," Spike spoke, tugging at Twilight's mane and catching her worried eyes with an expression of his own to match, "I'm pretty sure it isn't every other day. It's every day period. I had to take some garbage out a few days ago after I cleaned up the mess I made while making breakfast. There were some bottles mixed in there underneath the rest of the trash... a lot of them."
"Have you... um... tried to talk to her about that too?" Fluttershy inquired.
"She denied it," the purple princess responded sadly, heaving another sigh. Fluffing her wings, she then looked to each of her friends and felt the warmth of their support bolster her confidence just a tiny bit more. With a tired smile, she shrugged her shoulders and added, "But with all seven of us here, maybe... maybe she'll open up? It's at least worth a shot."
Bouncing into the conversation with a wide grin despite what she'd just been told, Pinkie Pie nonetheless cheered, "Then let's head on up there and see what's got her party so pooped!"
"Indeed," Rarity added, her dainty smile more restrained than the bombastic party planner's. "If Starlight needs us, then there is no other place I would rather be today. Lead the way, Twilight."
With a unanimous nod, all seven turned and began their trek through the castle's labyrinthine halls. It seemed that their friend was hurting and she either wouldn't or couldn't voice her pain, so come Tartarus or high water, nothing would stop them from being there for her.
That was what friends were for, after all.
~ w ~
Starlight stood out on the balcony with her forehooves resting on her newest, perhaps closest friend, the guardrail. Her eyes, someplace far away, focused on nothing and rarely blinked. Were it not for the wind gently ruffling her mane, anypony could be forgiven for mistaking the young mare for a statue.
"You just need to see it, that's all," a familiar whisper told the unicorn. "You just need to know that it's there."
And it was there.
Daytime Ponyville bustled with the lively sounds of trotting ponies, a booming market, and the occasional crunch of carriage wheels grinding along unpaved roads. There were friendly conversations, there were a few heated arguments, and every once in a while Starlight could hear a happy laugh echo up to her in greeting.
"Still, the question's a little foalish, don't you think? Of course it's there, where else would it be?" the whisper chided.
Starlight had an answer, but feared actually voicing it.
Instead of the humble, little town in which she and her dear friends all lived, there would be a vast and sprawling waste. Shifting sands covered all, no ruins or rubble to hint at any particular location's name.
Starlight shifted some of her weight onto the hooves she had resting on the rail.
"Don't."
It was the strangest thing. In her dreams, the whisper always urged her on towards the edge of the cliff; towards the end. But here, in the world of the waking, she found that it only wished to reinforce her dwindling resolve. It was as though it couldn't make up its mind on the matter.
Such a strange little voice.
"Please, don't," it continued softly. "You're not thinking clearly right now, you don't know what you're doing."
Pictures of a dead and barren landscape screamed through Starlight's mind. Her grip on the rail tightened.
There was so much sand. Where it had come from, she didn't know, but who it had come from was all too understood. Each grain was a life cut short and the desert itself a massive graveyard, stretching on across the horizon in every direction but one.
The ocean.
No, that was her own personal graveyard, littered on the bottom with the bones of too many Starlights to count.
"What would your friends think? Yes, you stole their talents and kept them locked in a cage, but still, they accepted you and took you in. How much love does a level of forgiveness that runs that deep require? They care about you, Starlight."
The black waves roared as they crashed against Starlight's shores, chipping away with each unforgiving blow at what little strength the shaken mare still clung to.
She leaned forward.
"Please, Starlight!" the whisper plead, now shouting.
Odd, she thought, as it had never raised its voice at her before. Why now?
"You're young! You have your whole life ahead of you; all the time in the world to pay penance for what you've done!"
"Starlight?" came a different voice.
That voice was new. New but... still familiar. With it, there was an unspoken promise of books and knowledge; the study of something important that Starlight herself had once bastardized. Sadly, despite recognizing the voice, her mind remained firmly rooted elsewhere and failed to grant it the attention that it both demanded and deserved.
"Heya, Star, what's up?" came another, it too falling upon deaf ears.
"See, Starlight? Your friends are here. They'll help you get through this."
The mare in her dreams had done it. She'd found the courage to dive. Starlight trembled, shifting more and more of her weight onto her forehooves.
How cold would it be at the bottom of the sea? Would it be freezing enough to numb the pain?
"Stars and stones, not right in front of them! Are you really that cruel?!"
That was a good question. Was the pony who destroyed the world "cruel" ? The answer seemed painfully obvious. After all, she'd been a tyrant once before. A tyrant and a thief. Surely "cruel" had been a part of her repertoire too.
"Um... Starlight? Are you... are you okay?"
More weight was traded from the balcony to the rail. She couldn't stop herself; she could hear it now, the ocean calling her name. It sounded so kind and understanding, so gentle. Surely it would forgive her.
All she needed to do was bridge the last few inches of that teeny, tiny gap between herself and oblivion. It wasn't very far, she just needed to move her little rump. She could make it there with a hop, skip, and a jump.
It was music to her ears.
"If you do it, it can't be undone! It isn't a pencil mark that you can erase or a spilled mug of cider to wipe up! It's your life, Starlight, and you only get one!"
Tears slipped down Starlight's cheeks as her eyes finally focused and she whispered aloud, "Good. One was too many."
Starlight Glimmer slipped along with her tears, her rear hooves rising as she flipped over the rail towards rapidly approaching destinations unknown.
She smiled.
Author's Note
Um, Starlight?
At the Edge of Hope and Reason
In the dark of Starlight's bedroom, Twilight, joined by Princess Luna, sat with crossed hooves on the troubled unicorn's couch and watched her as she slept. In her sleep, Starlight tossed and turned, her coat slick from spent tears and a sheet of cold sweat. On her nightstand sat the newest of her growing platoon of dead soldiers, an empty bottle of hard cider and another of rum.
"She told us it was an accident," Twilight spoke, her voice hushed. "She said she was just lost in thought and wasn't paying attention to how far she was leaning. She finally admitted to all the drinking she's been doing, but all that really did was give her a decent scapegoat to blame; she was drunk and she fell."
"And?" Luna queried, nodding her head.
With a sigh, the former librarian concluded, "She's a very good liar... usually. She thanked Rainbow for acting as fast as she did and catching her."
"I take it that you feel her thanks to have been felonious as well?" the Princess of the Night questioned.
Silently, Twilight nodded in affirmation.
"I want to take a look at what she's dreaming," she said, her eyes never leaving her sleeping student. "If they're unrelated, we'll leave. But if... if they can shed any light on this mess..."
Twilight trailed off, unsure of what to say. They would help her, there was no doubt about that, but how would they help her?
She didn't know.
Her brow knitted in frustration.
She hated that she didn't know.
"Luna, please, I need to do this. I don't know if she'll try a second time, but I can't watch her do that again. She's important to me; I have to do something."
Desperation filled the purple pony's voice as she spoke, her hooves trembling and her wings twitching.
"I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of invading her privacy like this. The dreamscape is an intimate place in a pony's mind and I know that, but..."
Again, she trailed off.
The larger alicorn pondered the request for only a moment before silently taking to her hooves, pacing over to the occupied bed, and beckoning Twilight to join her. They both sat at the edge, careful to take a position that would keep them from falling and hurting themselves as they joined Starlight in slumber. Closing her eyes, Luna's horn cast a blue glow around the dark room and from it extended two strands of magic. One snaked its way over to Starlight and reached into her forehead, the other into Twilight's.
Loyally obeying its owner's will, the magic slowly ushered the two princesses into unconsciousness and, with the metallic creak of nonexistent hinges, opened the door into the dreams of another.
~ w ~
Atop a cliff, at the very edge, stood a lone pony. Far below her, the waters of a churning black sea beckoned for her to join them. Princess Luna and Princess Twilight watched the pony as she contemplated something immediately known to them.
Twilight stifled a gasp as it attempted to leave her lips and cursed her own obliviousness.
"Is this what I believe it to be?" Luna questioned, her expression stoic.
Eyes watering, the lavender alicorn stammered, "Th-the future that could have been. The last one."
"Then I believe your questions have indeed been answered."
The purple princess suddenly found her mouth very dry. A horrible, icy pit sank deep into her stomach, the cold spreading throughout her entire body.
All doubt had been thoroughly, mercilessly quashed.
Her student, her close friend, had tried to kill herself right in front of her. Their battle through time had taken place over a year ago and, ever since, Starlight had wished herself dead without her teacher ever even knowing.
Twilight watched as the pink unicorn gazed out into the abyss, unblinking in her contemplation. Bags lined her eyes, dark rings that spoke volumes about her inner struggle. Her expression was one of morbid resignation, the sort of look that one might wear after learning in an empty hospital waiting room that the little cough they'd been suffering from was merely an initial symptom of a deadly disease that had no cure and claimed all that it infected.
There was a vicious conflict brewing deep within Starlight's soul and the wounds that she sustained as she fought were quickly bleeding her dry. Her demons outnumbered her a dozen times over and, much to her teacher's horror, it was clear that the battle would soon be ending.
Starlight wasn't simply losing. No, the truth was much worse.
She'd lost a long, long time ago.
"I never knew," Twilight softly cried. "All she had to do was talk to me and I would've dropped everything to be there for her. All of us would."
"If only it were so simple."
Drying her eyes with a hoof, the former librarian turned to the Princess of the Night and asked, "What do you mean?"
"Emotions are languages all their own, Twilight," Luna spoke, the sagely nature that her voice carried reminding the smaller alicorn of her solar mentor. "Hate speaks loudest, the fires of its misguided passion easily understood. Love's volume comes quick at hate's heels, passionate as well, but in ways more subtle. Next is desire, equal to love in the strength of its voice, yet more varied in what it sets its sight upon and far simpler for others to comprehend. Sorrow, however, tends to be one of the quiet ones. Though there are times where it can, of course, be heard, it is of a very shy nature and often works to remain hidden from prying ears. Similar to sorrow, fear can both shout and scream its presence like a wild crack of thunder, or whisper so quietly that none can hear. Some fears are bold, while others timid, but all possess the power to shake a pony's foundations and sunder their soul."
Twilight's eyes remained fixed upon her student.
Pointing a hoof down towards Starlight, Luna shook her head sadly and continued, "Softest spoken of them all is guilt. It trots hoof-in-hoof with both sorrow and fear, but keeps itself eclipsed in their shadows. It knows what it has done and silently dreads the knowledge that, someday, judgement will come to crush it beneath an unfeeling, unstoppable gavel. To make guilt's language all the more complex, it often seeks out its own judgement, unable to cope with the weight of its crimes."
The older alicorn suppressed a sad sigh.
"Worse yet, both guilt unfounded and guilt known all too true can carry the same weight. Both possess the strength to destroy those gripped by them."
A silver-clad hoof gently lifted Twilight's chin so that both could meet eyes.
"With what you have told me and the picture now painted before us, I can only reason that your pupil is soon to leap," Luna said, eyes frighteningly certain. "Though none of this is real, to her it most certainly is. Go to her while there's still time. Save her from herself and allow me to end this nightmare."
In an instant, Twilight's wings flared.
A pink mare threw herself from the edge of a cliff in despair.
A lilac rocket traveled thousands of feet in the span of a second.
A life, though free from any true danger, was spared.
Confused tears trickled down pink cheeks, unsure if their owner deserved the salvation of the hooves cradling her.
Lastly and most thankfully of all, a nightmare ended without a body tossed into the sea. For once, Starlight Glimmer heard only the sound of silence... and yet comfort still managed to find her.
Author's Note
I have falling nightmares and being chased nightmares, but not ones where I doomed the world.
At the Edge of Hope and Reason
Starlight clung to her teacher's purple chest for dear life, tears cascading down her cheeks like twin waterfalls. At some point, Spike had heard the commotion whilst on his way to the bathroom and peeked his head into Starlight's room to see what was the matter. Unsure of what was going on, he nonetheless found himself immediately at the sobbing mare's side, struggling to comfort her just as Twilight was.
Off to their side sat Princess Luna, motionless save for the gentle flowing of the starry sky that made up her mane and tail. Silently, she guarded the three, a midnight sentinel there to protect them and offer guidance should they ask for it.
"We're going to get you help, Starlight," Twilight soothed, her hooves and wings enveloping the unicorn in a tight, almost motherly embrace. Her voice remained even through sheer force of will, though her steadily trickling tears betrayed the mask of strength that she wore. "You're going to get through this. I don't know who we're going to go to, but I'll throw every resource I have at making sure that you get the best help Equestria has to offer."
Now all too aware of the situation, Spike placed a claw on his friend's shoulder and unsteadily assured her, "I... I've g-got your back too, Starlight. Anything you need, and I mean anything , you just come to me and I'll make it happen. You're like a big sister to me and... and I mean this, your l-little bro is gonna be right there by your side to take care of you. I p-promise."
The little dragon swallowed a suffocating lump that had since formed in his throat. Starlight always seemed so confident and brazen, a powerful wizard capable of rivaling Twilight in the staggering degree of her magical genius. Seeing her like this and knowing what she had attempted to do sent cold chills racing up and down his spine. He'd never known anypony who tried to commit suicide before and the knowledge that one of his closest friends had tried to absolutely horrified him.
Being nearly as cocky as Rainbow Dash, the baby dragon found it hard to admit that, just this once, he really did feel too young to take the whole situation in.
"And you have my full support as well," Princess Luna joined in, placing her hoof atop Starlight's own. "I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am to know that the realm of sleep has tortured you so. It is my duty as the Princess of the Night to banish such nightmares, but clearly, I have been failing to do so for you for some time now. You have my word, sworn upon my title and every shimmering jewel dotting my sky, that your slumber shall be troubled no more."
Closing her eyes, Luna lit her horn, casting a gentle blue light throughout the room. Before her materialized a small book, no thicker than the magazines most ponies might find sold as an afterthought at a streetside newspaper kiosk. On the cover was a picture portraying several ponies, all dressed as doctors and smiling warmly. Below the picture, in bold font, were the words: Fairhoof Psychiatric Hospital .
"Canterlot is far," the blue alicorn said softly, "but there is a hospital there staffed by the finest doctors in the land for the expressed purpose of treating this precise sort of trauma. You will be tended to by the best in the psychiatric field, the very same who tended to me after I returned from my thousand year banishment. Suffer not, my little pony, for you are now and will be cared for."
Twilight looked to her elder with a mixed expression of pain and humble thanks. In return, Princess Luna simply spread her wings and draped them across the other three, sheltering them as mother would for her foals.
"V-voices," Starlight suddenly croaked, her own voice rough and ragged after spending more than a solid hour sobbing. "I-I've been h-hearing v-voices..."
Twilight bit her lower lip, the ordeal having been rendered even more complicated in the span of a single admission.
"One b-begged me n-not to," the pink unicorn whimpered, her entire body shivering violently. "Th-the other w-wanted me to, t-told me it could all j-just stop... Th-they were b-both me... and n-not me..."
"Can you hear them right now?" the lilac alicorn asked her student, brushing her mane tenderly with a hoof. "Either of them?"
"It's going to be okay. She'll help you. They'll all help you. No more cliffs, no more oceans; just their hooves to guide you."
Starlight nodded her head, clinging to Twilight just a little bit tighter.
"Yes."
~ w ~
A hot cup of coffee always seemed to work wonders for the Princess of Friendship whenever she felt that the weight of the world was beginning to overcome her.
This time, however, the steaming contents of her mug seemed to do next to nothing.
Her friends sat with her around their magical map of Equestria. Elsewhere, tucked in her bed with Spike standing guard to ensure her safety from herself, Starlight slumbered. True to Luna's word, the unicorn's sleep appeared tranquil. There was no thrashing, no cold sweat, no crying; only sleep.
Back in the throne room, Applejack was the first to break the silence.
"Is there a plan?" she asked, tone lost and concerned. "Ah mean, we gotta have a plan, right? Ah don't know what Ah can do, if'n anythin', but Ah'm not gonna just sit idly by an' twiddle mah hooves while mah friend's tryin' to... to..."
"Kill herself," Rainbow finished the farmer's sentence for her. The normally spunky pegasus found her voice hollow, quite devoid of any spunk whatsoever. "She tried to kill herself, AJ."
Her mane and tail hanging as limp as a wet blanket, Pinkie Pie shook her head and said, "They don't... there aren't any parties I can think of for this. I mean, how do you cheer up somepony who wants to die? There aren't enough balloons or steamers in the whole wide world for that."
Taking another sip of her coffee, the lavender princess cleared her throat and explained, "Princess Luna has offered her full support. There's a psychiatric hospital in Canterlot, the same one that she went to after she... well... you know. It's apparently the best of the best and the way she explained it, it sounds exactly like what Starlight needs right now. Given her current... emotional state, I'm going to have her temporarily placed under my custody, then I'm going to have her admitted at Fairhoof. If she tries to resist, I... she might hate me for it, but I'm prepared to restrain her if it comes to that. I have the spells to do it and I've asked Luna to provide me with one of the Royal Guard's horn supressors just to make sure."
Rarity let out a light gasp.
Twilight winced, looking down into her mug. The words tasted far more bitter on her lips than her coffee could ever hope to.
Something akin to self-hatred seemed to fill the purple pony's voice as she concluded, "I hate the idea of resorting to that sort of thing. A unicorn's magic is an integral and very personal part of who they are. Having it cut off, even if only for a short while, would be like removing a pegasi's wings and grounding them from the sky. But... if I have to treat her like a prisoner in order to help and protect her, then so be it. I'll do whatever is necessary."
"I apologize, darling," Rarity said quietly, dabbing a tissue at her eyes daintily. The fashionista's mascara had long since been ruined by the day's revelations, but that was the furthest thing from her mind at the moment. "You've clearly put quite a lot of thought into this."
"I had to," Twilight replied, closing her eyes and heaving a small, exhausted sigh. "She... she's lost right now, girls. She's scared and she feels like she's all alone and I'll be damned if I'm going to let her fall apart like this."
It was Fluttershy who let out a tiny gasp this time, her ears flattening at the sound of the solitary curse. She'd never once heard her friend use that kind of language.
By way of reply, Twilight simply held up an apologetic hoof.
"I'm sorry, it's just... she's my student and my friend. She isn't the same mare she was before... she's come so far and made so much progress. This just can't be the end of the road for her, girls, it can't ."
Once again, Twilight found her gaze locked upon the contents of her half-empty mug. The coffee inside rippled uncontrollably.
She was trembling.
She'd been forcing herself to remain calm, collected, and strong for Starlight's sake, but the mask didn't come naturally to her and it wouldn't remain intact for much longer. The thought of holding her student down and muting her magic made the little lilac alicorn sick to her stomach.
The dams were breaking all over again.
"I'm scared, girls," the purple princess near-whispered, her eyes misting over for what felt like the millionth time that day. "I d-don't think I've ever been so scared. You saw what she did. She w-was ready and... and... I watched her do it again in her dreams. I was there to catch her... but... b-but..."
Coffee spilled across the floor as the mug fell and shattered.
In an instant, five familiar ponies were at her side, their thrones vacant.
The Princess of Friendship had their support. Starlight would be okay... wouldn't she?
"S-somepony needs to notify Sunburst," Twilight choked. "He'll w-want to be there for her too... He deserves to know..."
As if on cue, a jovial voice then called out, "Tell Sunburst what?"
In a flourish of bright light, a mismatched creature seemingly from every trot of life all at once materialized in the room standing atop the map. In his lion's paw, he held a tray of freshly-made cucumber sandwiches. All eyes but Twilight's immediately focused on him, each mare donning their most bone-chilling glare. They made no effort whatsoever to hide the fact that they were in no mood for Discord's usual shenanigans.
In an instant, the temperature in the room dropped by ten degrees.
"Well," the Lord of Chaos sputtered, tugging nervously at the collar of a necktie he wasn't wearing, "I'm sensing that I dropped by at a bad time. I didn't... do anything untoward lately, did I? I don't think I did, but honestly, it's hard to tell sometimes."
Dead silence. Five pairs of angry eyes remained fixed on him.
"Would it maybe help if I said that I was sorry in advance?"
Yet more silence.
The draconequus wilted under their unflinching gaze, the beginnings of an anxious sweat forming on his brow. Quickly, he turned his head and scanned across the large room for something that might help his situation. It was only then that he noticed something very peculiar. First, the group of friends were all clustered around Twilight's throne. Second, Twilight appeared to have been crying.
"Correction," Discord thought to himself as he eyed the distraught pony, "she still is."
In a flash, the tray of sandwiches vanished.
Hopping off the map, Discord strode with purpose over to join the small group. Ignoring their glares even as they lessened, he gently placed a paw on the lilac mare's shoulder and waited. Only when she finally lifted her chin to look up at him did he speak.
"I'm still quite new to the whole friendship thing, but I'd like to think that I've been around the block enough times to know when something's up. Whatever it is, keep in mind that you've got me here. There's nothing a pinch of chaos can't do... or fix."
Shaking her head, Twilight whimpered, "You can't fix this."
"Nonsense," he assured her, grinning. "Now, why don't you tell your ol' Uncle Discord what's wrong."
Twilight looked as though she wanted to fall through the floor to get away from saying it again.
"Starlight tried to kill herself."
To his credit, it seemed to take Discord a moment to register what had been said.
"Oh."
Author's Note
Timing, Discord! TIMING!
At the Edge of Hope and Reason
A full moon shimmered high in the sky as Princess Luna's private chariot entered Ponyville airspace, strangely vacant of its usual regal occupant. The bat-winged guards pulling it slowed their pace as they descended, steadily coming to a halt only a few feet shy of the crystal stairway leading up to Twilight's castle. The chariot's sole passenger, a gray-coated bat mare likewise clad in the armor of the Night Guard, hopped down from her transport to make her way up the stairs.
Having been expecting them, the large doors at the top slowly opened to reveal three ponies: the Princess of the Night, the Princess of Friendship, and one shivering unicorn. Spike had wanted to join them as well, but at Twilight's insistence, it was already well past his bedtime.
"Now, you're sure that you're okay with me doing this?" Twilight quietly questioned, levitating a horn suppressor up in her magic so that her student could inspect it. Even floating there in her aura, unattached to the purple alicorn's own horn, she could still feel the artifact's slow drain on her power.
Starlight gulped once as she looked at the suspended golden ring and the many runes inscribed upon it. She'd never been without her magic before and just the thought of it left her feeling very helpless and exposed. The closest she could recall had been when she was a young filly, so small, so uncertain, long before her magical talents had ever even bloomed.
It was that little filly's fear and wild imagination that had driven her down a dark path towards a corrupted concept of equality, a road that ended in a barren wasteland where all were truly equal in death.
Somehow, she'd managed to come full circle, with that same little filly's frightened frame of mind driving her towards death all over again.
A sudden, unexpected lurch in the pit of her stomach sent the pink unicorn into another bout of dry heaving, her fear mixing into a sickening slurry with the nausea that had overtaken her after being cut off from the comforting bottles on her nightstand.
Only bile and spittle came up.
A lavender wing draped itself over Starlight's shoulders, hugging her close as her stomach struggled to void itself of contents that weren't there.
"It has to be done, Starlight," soothed a familiar whisper on the night wind. "I know it's scary, but it's for your own protection."
"Y-you... you have to be able to trust me, right?" she whimpered, her voice still weak and shaky from the hours that had been spent discussing her teacher's plans for her. "And you can't do that right now. I can't... I can't even trust myself right now."
A long pause punctuated the pink mare's words as she lowered her head and presented the source of her magic. A few small tears slipped down her cheeks.
"D-do it."
Nodding, Twilight carefully lifted the band to her student's head and slid it down her horn. Once the magical shackle had reached the base at Starlight's forehead, a locking spell was added for good measure, ensuring that the ring could not be removed without the use of the same spell.
The enchanted ring's effects took hold instantly.
For a moment, Starlight's eyes widened and her pupils shrank to tiny dots as the feeling of her magic being drained completely from her body shook her to her core. Her knees quickly buckled, but a pair of lilac hooves were already there to safely catch her. As she was lifted back up, a tender nuzzle from her teacher helped to steel the pink unicorn for what was to come. She was uncertain and afraid, but at the very least, she was far from alone.
"Getting used to the sensation will be difficult, I am sure," Luna said, her eyes sorrowful and understanding, "but remain dedicated to your healing and you will overcome it. Once your rehabilitation is complete and you can be trusted to abstain from attempting to harm yourself once more, your magic will be returned to you just as my own was."
Starlight's eyes widened again. "They supressed your horn?" Her shock at this knowledge came softly, but the sheer surprise was nonetheless present in her tone.
Closing her eyes, the Night Princess ruffled her wings and answered, "If I remember correctly, it took three of the Greedgold bands to do it. For some time, I was unable to even take to my own hooves and stand. If it helps at all, my little pony, at least you will not be rendered an invalid as I was during the duration of my stay."
"See? If Princess Luna could do this from the confines of a wheelchair, then you can do it on your own four legs too."
"Now," Luna announced, directing the party's attention towards the pony standing just a few steps down the stairwell, "if I may, I would like to introduce Sergeant Moonflower of the Royal Night Guard, one of my own personal bodyguards."
Offering the standard Equestrian salute, the batpony turned to address the lone unicorn of the group and said, "You're Starlight Glimmer, correct?"
Nervously, Starlight nodded.
Removing her helmet and revealing her white mane, Moonflower offered the pink mare her warmest smile. Helpfully, she explained, "I'll be accompanying you as both your bodyguard and companion during your stay at Fairhoof. I'm a trained battlefield medic, so should any harm come to you, be it by your own hooves or those of any other, I'll be right there by your side to fix you up."
A brief silence.
"I-is that really necessary?" the unicorn hesitantly questioned. "I mean, th-there's certainly standard medical doctors there too."
Starlight gave her teacher a pleading look, but all the purple princess could do in return was offer her a sad smile.
"There are, of course," Moonlight answered, giving her new ward a knowing glance, "but I think you're already aware that that's not entirely why I'm being entrusted with looking after you."
The unicorn winced. Indeed, she did know.
Sensing this, Moonflower joined the others and took her place by Starlight's side. Outstretching a hoof, she added, "There is more to it than that though. I'll be there as somepony for you to talk to, if for whatever reason you don't feel like approaching any of the doctors or therapists. You really should go to them, but nopony can force you to if you're feeling uncomfortable; that's not how this kind of healing works. If anything, I'd like for you to think of me as a friend."
Ears perking at the word "friend", Starlight gulped down the knot still stuck in her throat and extended her own hoof to shake Moonflower's.
"Good girl. You don't have to push them away out of fear. All they want to do is help."
It was weak, but Starlight managed a small smile.
"Now, if we've got all that settled," the bat mare concluded, donning her helmet again and turning back towards her princess, "shall we depart? It's a long flight back to Canterlot, after all. We'll have a lot to do once we get there."
"Very well," Luna answered. "We go."
Trotting down the stairwell, the Mare of the Night climbed aboard her chariot and patiently awaited the rest of her party.
Back at the top of the stairs, however, a simple question had to be asked before any sort of departure could begin.
Its answer was obvious, but all the same, it needed to be heard.
"You're coming with me too, right, Twilight?" Starlight asked, though begged likely better described the fearful quake in her voice. "I-I know you won't be able to stay, but I~
Wrapping her hooves around her pupil to hush her and hug her tight, Twilight softly assured her, "Absolutely. And don't think for a second that I'll be leaving before I'm certain that they can help you. I'll turn all of Canterlot upside-down if I have to, just to make sure."
And indeed, the purple princess would if need be.
"Th-thank you," Starlight whispered into Twilight's mane, her eyes misting over once more. "Thank you for everything."
"You don't need to thank me for anything at all. I'm your friend. I'll be there for you."
"Your friend."
With that simple gesture of support, the pink mare's journey towards recovery finally began.
Four ponies sat in relative silence as the night sky rushed by them, glittering jewels above and a sea of clouds below. In the distance, hazy visions of marble towers and ivory spires ever so steadily became clearer and clearer. A pink hoof gripped a lavender one tightly, its owner fearful that should she let go for even a second, she would fall back down into the merciless waters of a churning black ocean.
For the entirety of their ride, the lavender hoof held fast.
The sun rose as they reached their destination.
Nopony fell.
Author's Note
There's something about the prospect of getting help, even if you need it, that's still scary.
At the Edge of Hope and Reason
Twilight, Starlight, and Moonflower all stood waiting before a large desk in a stark white room. Though she had wished to stay along with them to see the registry process through to the end, Princess Luna did unfortunately still have royal duties to attend to and was forced to take her leave, though not before wishing Starlight her very best. As per the diarch's request, the psychiatrist that had treated her had been assigned to treat Starlight as well. The unicorn couldn't help but think that more than a few strings had been pulled for her in order to do so, but was quietly thankful nonetheless.
"That should be everything," the nurse behind the counter chirped as she took the paperwork that Twilight had spent the better part of two hours filling out. "You're all checked-in, Miss Glimmer. Welcome to Fairhoof Psychiatric."
"What now?" asked Starlight, her ears pressed back flat against her head and her eyes searching the floor for nothing in particular.
"Now," said a voice from somewhere behind them, "would be a great time for introductions, as well as a small tour of our facilities."
Turning around, the group found themselves facing a middle-aged pegasus stallion with a cream-colored coat and gray mane. His friendly blue eyes and the slight bags beneath them were framed by a small pair of rectangular glasses. He wore a white coat with a red tie and, while looking very professional, seemed to exude an aura of approachability and kindness.
"Doctor Wellheart," the stallion stated, flashing a fatherly smile. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintances. I take it that this is Starlight Glimmer, our newest guest?"
"Y-yes, that's me," the unicorn answered quietly.
"The Princess filled me in on some of the smaller details ahead of time, but we can talk about that later," Wellheart said with a nod. "I'm going to be your psychiatrist during your stay with us. Any time you want or feel like you need to talk, my door is always open. It's my policy."
Unable to stop herself, Starlight let slip a sarcastic, "Always, huh? Doesn't sound like you'd get much sleep that way."
Blushing brightly, she immediately clamped a hoof over her mouth.
"Don't worry about it," he laughed, brushing the quip off with a grin. "Besides, it's true, I really don't get that much sleep these days. I suppose it just comes with the territory. All in all, I consider the trade-off between my sleep schedule and my patients quite worth it in the end."
"See? He didn't mind at all. All he's worried about is your well-being; a little remark here or there isn't going to change that."
"S-so," Starlight said, shaking herself out of her embarrassment, "you said something about a tour?"
"Ah, that I did!" Wellheart replied cheerfully. "If you'd all be so kind as to follow me, we can get this show on the road!"
~ w ~
And so the day wore on.
Starlight followed closely behind the kindly doctor, with Twilight and Moonflower close behind her. They went from common rooms full of board games and books, to courtyards where patients milled about under the watchful gaze of nearby caregivers, to cafeterias boasting freshly-made foods that most hospitals could scarcely hope to compete with.
There were rooms where full groups of patients could all enjoy some form of therapy together, such as craft-making or watching films, as well as more secluded areas where a patient could meet with their doctor one-on-one and speak privately.
Despite the sterile white walls and polished tiled floors that seemed mandatory for all medical institutions, the place still managed to give off a calming sense of peace and safety. The nurses, doctors, and orderlies that they passed along their way all went about their work with good cheer, the smiles that they wore never seeming forced or a mask to cover some secret resentment.
As they went from place to place, Twilight ticked boxes off of a checklist that she seemed to have materialized from nowhere, no doubt ensuring that the facility was as perfect as perfect could be.
Eventually, however, the tour came to a close and the four ponies all found themselves standing outside the door to Starlight's assigned room.
Apprehension and anxiety returned in full force as the unicorn mentally noted that this meant Twilight would likely be leaving soon.
A pit quickly formed and sank heavily in her stomach. In a sudden rush, her nausea returned.
"Don't think like that, Starlight. She'll be back. You know she will."
And she did.
...
Didn't she?
"Of course she'll be back. All of your friends are going to visit. You have to trust in that, in them."
"What do you think?" asked Twilight.
Shaking her head, Starlight quickly coughed into her hoof and turned to face her friend. Somewhere behind them, Wellheart and Moonflower were talking.
"I-it's... uh... very nice," the pink mare said with a grin that was much too wide.
This didn't escape the purple princess, nor did the trembling that had overtaken her student's whole body.
"If this all seems like too much to handle, Starlight, please tell me," Twilight urged, nuzzling Starlight's neck. "If there's anything I can do to make this easier, I'll see that it's done. Is there anything you'd like?"
Returning the nuzzle, the unicorn took a shaky step back and answered, "N-no, it's alright. I'm just... you're going to have to leave soon, aren't you?"
To emphasize her point, Starlight motioned towards the window and the setting sun outside.
Her eyes downcast, the lilac alicorn nodded her head and said, "I'd stay the night if I could~
"I can," came a sudden interruption.
Both ponies jumped slightly and turned to see Moonflower standing right next to them. Doctor Wellheart had apparently taken a short leave for the restroom.
"I know you don't really know me, at least not yet," the Night Guard stated, offering a small grin before puffing out her chest, "but I really am here for you. I've got direct orders from the Princess to be the best bodyguard and friend I can be!"
Starlight giggled at the bat mare's display, returning her grin with one of her own.
"Besides," Moonflower added, placing a hoof on the pink mare's shoulder to show support, "any friend of the Night is a friend of mine. When the Princess brought up your situation to our unit back at the castle, there were actually a few of us who met the qualifications, not just me. I volunteered. I chose to be here. I don't know if that helps any, but... it's true."
"You see? You may not be too familiar yet, but you've still got a friend here. This won't be so bad. You'll be okay."
By way of thanks, Starlight closed the rest of the gap between them and gave the batpony a hug. Somewhat surprised, Moonflower nonetheless returned the embrace tightly.
Twilight watched with a misty-eyed smile. Her student was in good hooves.
Author's Note
Getting to know your shrink. They're almost always friendly... and it's still almost always unnerving. Have courage, Glimmy.
