Rainbow Dash`s New Coltfriend

by Cytotoxin

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Human, Main 6
Length: 1082

Crackship experiment, read at your own risk.

Twilight didn`t really expect anything to happen. After all, it`s just tea time with Fluttershy. Who could have possibly expected anything wrong with it? But, as she is about to learn, Ponyville just has to throw her a curveball.

Crackship experiment. I accept no responsibility for any lost hair, sleep, patience, it or anything else caused by perusing this.

Published 2016-08-16 14:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-16 14:30:01 UTC

One and only

There was something sour in the tea. Or the tea itself? Twilight wasnt sure. Tea, apparently, was the one of the few outlets Fluttershy allowed herself to just be free of anything with. As such, any tea one could partake in at Fluttershys was one of a kind, unique, never to be reproduced... experience.

"Can you ran that by me again?" - she inquired curiously, eyeing yellow pegasus cautiously. While Fluttershy was obviously not on the Rarity`s level of gossiping, she did enjoy sharing an odd tidbit every now and then. Like today.

"Mm, yes, isnt it wonderful? Rainbow Dash has a new, um, coltfriend? Malefriend? Maybe? Im not sure what I should call them..." - as usual, Fluttershy petered off, her exuberant beginning winding into a whispered squeak.

"Yes, this is fine. Fantastic. Im glad for Dash. Really, I am. But what was that you said about her, ahem... prospective romantic interests species?" - inquired purple princess incredulously, her cup wobbling as she tried to reconcile the sleek and usually quite neat (despite all claims to tomboyishness, Rainbow Dash always cleaned up in style, at least) form of her friend with hoary hirsute massive... eh...

"Oh, oh yes! So, so.. yay! I knew that she could do it! Just imagine, Twilight! It could be a cultural breakout! No more "pets", we can finally accept our wild brethren as our equals! I mean, if an element bearer could find it in her heart to date a warthog, what possible excuse could regular ponies have?" - gushed Fluttershy excitedly, her cup almost falling as she swung it around in excitement. Thankfully, the tea in it was already drained.

Carefully catching both cups and setting them aside carefully, Twilight shook her head. "While Id like to offer my support and acceptance towards your enthusiasm for the topic, I have a distinct feeling were not quite getting the full picture yet. I mean, we dont even know the name of this elusive coltfriend." - she offered cautiously. Fluttershys excitement, however, was quite unsinkable.

"Oh, yeah, heard all bout that, pardner." - offered apple pony lazily, spitting out a sprig as she fell in step with her purple friend on the way back to Ponyville - "Right burly fella, to hear tha filly gushin bout him. Now, ah dinnae caught much, cause ya know how RD gets when shes all aflutter, but I did catch the name of her new guypal. Seems like he goes by tha name of Aten. Aint pony name, ah suppose, but then again, it ain`t none of my business whom RD finds her jollies with, amirite?"

Twilight had nothing to add to that.

"Ooh, of course I heard ALL about it, darling. So romantic!" - and, of course, Rarity would be the most informed of all of them. Barring Pinkie, obviously, but figuring out what Pinkie knew was always easier from a hindsight perspective. In any way, Twilight simply gave a smile and sipped her cider daintily, giving Rarity a chance to spill the beans on the latest hottest gossip that just happened to have blue coat, outrageous manedo and reply to the name Rainbow Dash.

"Applejack said the mysterious beau is called Aten." - she offered cautiously, watching Rarity`s reaction. She was not disappointed - fashionista looked positively stung at the very idea her best rival could possibly be informed about something so, so... so... so... So... Argh.

"Aten? Really? Dear, surely, you jest. Its not a name, its a nickname. You know, like everypony called Applejack Appletini after she had that run-in with poison joke? No, most assuredly not. But I have had managed to learn the real name through my sources, and believe you me, Twilight, its quite more intriguing then youd think. Apparently, our dearest tomboy friend have had managed to catch an eye of an aristocrat with a pedigree. Because, darling, brace yourself. The real name is Fairchild Thunderbolt the Second." - wow. Really wow. A third relevant piece of information. Warthog, Aten, Fairchild Thunderbolt the Second.. All of it was beginning to fold into some kind of pattern, but what? Twilight wasn`t sure, but she had a hunch she would find the end result to be... disturbing.

"What`s this, Pinkie?" - she inquired curiously, poking the black book-like thing cautiously. Pinkie Pie beamed.

"A netbook!" - she announced giddily, cracking the object open like a book. Much to Twilight`s surprise, the interior was more reminiscent of a typewriter, al... oh, wait, wait, no. NO. NO please Celestia NO. NOOOO!

"Pinkie. Did you go behind the mirror into the human world?" - Twilight inquired bitterly, biting her lip at the thought of interdimensional disaster that would be sure to follow in the wake of such a foolhardy action.

"Nope! Oh, wait, I totally forgot to tell you, Twi-twi! Its a present from Sunset Shimmer and all of us but not really us from behind the mirror. They said Sunset figured out how to connect this thing to the.. Uh... Intertube thingy. Or something. Sunny said something about "the grand sum of knowledge the mankind possesses", but I was too busy thinking what flavor cupcakes theyd like the best!" - trust Pinkie to be scatterbrained about the most interesting things, indeed.

Exasperated, Twilight peered into the thing. Apparently, it was some kind of technological artifact. Thankfully, Sunset was thoughtful enough to attach an instructional checklist.

"Hey, Twi-twi, why dont you use this thingy to look up Dashies coltfriend? I mean, if this thing knows everything mankind does, then it definitely knows everything about him, right?" - and then again, Pinkie goes and gives her an idea terrifying in it`s profound impact.

She was staring at the page in mute terror. Apparently, the Internet really knew a thing or two about Rainbow Dashs new coltfriend. Including the proper name. Which, apparently, was Fairchild Republic A-10 Thunderbolt II, commonly nicknamed "Warthog". Dimly, Twilights ears registered a distant rolling roar. With a great difficulty, she tore her eyes from the screen, and peered into the sky above Everfree. Her alicorn sight could just barely make out the speck of blue with rainbowy highlights frolicking around much larger and much more angular shade of grey.

"...What the actual fuck." - said Twilight Sparkle with a feeling.

Author's Note

Why, yes, it`s a blatant crackship. I wrote it just to show I could. Besides.. it was cooler then the kitchen sink.