Twilight Argues With the Great Horse God

by Jay David

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1757

Twilight argues with an ancient and long-forgotten God

What happens when a modern and enlightened alicorn Princess stumbles upon an ancient and long-forgotten deity of ponykind? Have an argument with him, apparently.

If you do not like stories that poke fun at various concepts of religion, then do not read this

Published 2016-08-19 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-19 20:10:01 UTC

Twilight Argues With the Great Horse God

As per usual, the Everfree Forest was about as dark and gloomy as ponies had so often known it to be, and the constant hooting and growling of far-away animals did little to make the mood any better. Into this environment walked Twilight, who was scouring a lot of the undergrowth, her eyes fixed on every plant she passed.

"I swear, the lengths I go to for alchemy reagents..."

Her tone was one of annoyance, but her face soon lit up when, at last, she finally happened upon a particular plant, growing right next to an old tree. Kneeling beside it, her horn began to glow, and before long, the chosen flora was plucked out of the ground.

"There you are!"

Using her magic, Twilight carefully placed the thing into the saddle-bags she'd been wearing while walking here, and as she got up, she had a look of "job well done" plastered all over her face. But, as she turned to make her way home, something caught her eye. A glint of some sort, far off in the forest. Curiosity caught her, and she began to warily make her way over to whatever it was out there. Passing tree and vine alike, it didn't take her long to reach her destination, and when she did, her eyes widened.

"Oh my!"

There before her was a ruin, ancient and crumbling, and clearly abandoned. It was about the size of her old home, the Golden Oak Library, though forged of cold grey stone. The glint she'd spotted was a shard of glass, the remains of what, in the past, would have certainly been a window. She trotted on, inspecting this old place, before landing her eyes upon the door in the side of the wall.

"Hmmm..."

Cautiously, she entered, and within, she found what appeared to be a meeting place, with long seats for many guests, as well as a clear altar at the other end. All along the walls there were carvings and faded paintings, the likes of which she'd never seen before. As she gazed upon it all, her analytical mind was hard at work.

"It...it looks like some sort of place of worship. Ancient Equestrians, no doubt. But who did they worship?"

A brief giggle escaped her.

"Maybe it was some Great Horse God or the like?"

"And lo, I live again!"

"GAH!!!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Oh! Sorry! Force of habit and all that."

The young alicorn backed away, turning her head in every direction to see who it was that had spoken. But all she saw around her was crumbling furniture and decaying walls.

"H...hello?" she called.

"Yes? I haven't left, you know."

Again, she looked around, and again, she saw nopony.

"Um...where are you?"

"The rules typically say that I'm supposed to say that I'm all around you, so let's just go with that."

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Um...okay? Who are you then?"

She heard a chuckle all around, followed shortly by the unseen voice once more.

"Why, you already said it, didn't you?"

The Princess wracked her brain, trying to think what this guy could be talking about. Then, a particular notion took hold in her mind, and as she looked around, she bore a look of incredulity.

"The...Great Horse God?"

"Yep, that's me alright!"

After a few moments of silence, Twilight let out a laugh.

"Don't be silly! There's no Great Hor..."

But, she was halted, as the voice interrupted her, and rather loudly at that.

"Don't! Don't say it!"

Twilight looked confused.

"Don't say what?"

"That! What you were going to say!"

The voice let out a sigh.

"Look, it's not your fault, you don't know about these things. But trust me, Gods tend to need people to believe they're real. If you say...what you were going to say...then poof! I go back to being nothing!"

Twilight gazed upwards, still not believing a word of this.

"Okay then...let's just start from the top. You claim to be a God?"

"I don't claim to be, I am!"

Twilight sighed.

"Alright. Second question. Why have I never heard of you before now?"

The voice let out another laugh.

"Have you seen this place? Nobody's been here to worship me in a very long time. Sooner or later, I've just been forgotten, and thus, I end up being nothing for all that time, until you walked in here and speculated on my possible existence."

Twilight frowned.

"I was joking! You seriously mean to say that an off-hoof sarcastic comment is all it takes to bring a God back into play?"

If Twilight could see this thing's shoulders, she would have known they were shrugging right now.

"Meh, I don't make the rules."

A snort escaped the Princess.

"So...a God then? Alright then, Mr God. Let's see you do something godly."

"Ah ah ah! It's against the rules to ask your God to prove their existence. Blasphemy, or whatever you call it nowadays."

Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Oh, it is, is it? How very convenient for you!"

Another laugh could be heard.

"Yeah, it kinda was. I tell you, once you get a rule like that in place, it does wonders for your support base."

Looking up, Twilight frowned.

"Alright...so what killed you the first time?"

A pause followed before the God spoke up again.,

"First of all, Gods don't really die, per se. We just sort of...linger, until someone comes along to believe in us again."

Twilight took on a curious look as she considered that, but said nothing as he continued.

"Secondly...okay, look, it was kinda my bad. There was this other God, a real...whatever rude word you've invented in the past few thousand years. Him and me, we never got on."

Twilight sat on one of the nearby seats, still looking up.

"Who was he?"

A sigh was heard.

"He was the Great Horse Lord."

Here, Twilight regained her look of confusion.

"Wait...isn't that you?"

"What?! No! This guy was completely different! His followers' belief had conjured him into being with a whole different take on what I was supposed to be!"

Twilight tilted her head.

"...What was the difference?"

The god let out a grunt of annoyance as he gave his answer.

"He had a big hat."

A silence followed, during which, Twilight stared up at the ceiling with an expression that made it clear that she wanted to say "are you kidding me" to this being. Naturally, the God noticed this and responded in kind.

"It was a really stupid hat!"

Twilight placed her hoof squarely onto her forehead, letting out a deep sigh.

"Okay...you were saying what happened?"

Clearing his throat, assuming unseen Gods even had throats that is, he answered.

"Well, him and me got into this argument over whether Saturday or Sunday should be a holy day, you know, for rest and stuff? We couldn't agree, so we sent our followers to...you know..."

Twilight's eyes widened.

"You sent them on a war?!"

"Hey! Don't go judging me! It was a different time! People just did this kinda stuff! Besides, it was an important issue!"

Twilight face-hoofed.

"Bickering about whether to have one day off or another is not something worth dying for!"

"Oh, sure, it's easy to say that now! But when you have other Gods throwing insults at you back in the day, you just...sorta go with this kind of stuff!"

Twilight banged her head against the back of her chair, clearly exasperated.

"And what happened then?"

"Well...things didn't really go to plan, and...well...everypony kinda...died."

Twilight stared blankly at the ceiling.

"Right...should have guessed."

"Um...if it makes you feel any better, I haven't really been making any bad choices in the meantime?"

Twilight continued to stare, prompting him to continue.

"That...doesn't help, does it?"

Twilight shook her head, and again, the God carried on.

"Well...on the plus side, I never did anything that bad in the rest of my reign. Before, it was all just throwing thunderbolts and overseeing the sacrifice of virgin mares."

Here, Twilight grimaced.

"what?!"

"Okay, yeah, maybe probably shoulda kept that one quiet."

Twilight sighed.

"I...just...why?!"

"Well...sometimes...a God gets pretty lonely and..."

But here, he was halted when Twilight raised a hoof.

"Nope! That's it! I'm done! I'm going home!"

As she got out of her chair, the voice called out.

"Wait, what?!""

Twilight didn't even bother looking back as she kept on walking.

"I'm going home and I'm going to have a nice long bath. With any luck, I'll be able to wash away this conversation."

"But...but...you can't! I've got so many plans!"

Stopping just short of the door, Twilight finally looked back, raising an eyebrow as she did so.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

Here, he fumbled.

"Well...um...you could be my chosen one! Go out and tell the people to worship me again! I promise I'll make it worth your while!"

Twilight just continued to stare blankly.

"Yeah...I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna do that."

As she turned, the guy called out again.

"You can't! You're my only believer! If you turn your back on me, I'll die!"

That, at the very least, caused Twilight to sop. But, contrary to what the God probably wanted, when she looked back, her expression was not one of sympathy or remorse, but rather a smirk.

"Oh? I was under the impression that Gods couldn't die. You just fade away, remember?"

"I...but...well, yes...but I..."

Chuckling, Twilight shook her head, facing the door once more before finally starting to walk to it.

"I'd just be leaving this place exactly as I left it. And as for you, just think of it as a time-out. A very...very...very long time out."

She moved for the door, but halted, took on a thoughtful expression, and then turned back.

"Actually...why did you call yourself the Great Horse God when your worshipers were all ponies?"

A silence followed, and when the deity answered, it was with a rather embarrassed tone.

"I...it just started out as a place-holder and...well...I just couldn't be bothered to changed the name, okay?"

Shaking her head, Twilight let out a sigh, silently bidding her acquaintance farewell before, at last, stepping outside. And so, she was gone, the door of the temple closed firmly behind her. And as the ancient deity began to feel himself slip more and more from this realm once again, he uttered what would undoubtedly be his final words for some time.

"Note to self, write a new commandment next time. Thou shalt not sass thy God."