The Inner Machinations of My Mind

by Literary Legend

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Adventure, Sex, Slice of Life, Owlowiscious, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 3235

A humble recollection of events surrounding a brave traveller.

In a world shrouded in peace and tranquillity, a wandering nomad must make a stand against all logic and reason.

Published 2012-06-25 09:44:05 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-25 06:35:33 UTC

Chapter 1

Author's note- What has been read, cannot be unread.

The Inner Machinations of My Mind

“GET OUT OF HERE YOU, FUCKING BUM!" screamed Twilight sparkle, pointing at the disgusting, bearded excuse for an earth pony, who shuffled towards Ponyville on the opposite side of the street. The mangy nomad was dressed in a cloak of various animal pelts sewn crudely together with what a trained eye could determine to be long pubic hair. The skinned bodies of the defenceless animals he had slain for their furs were mangled together in his saddle bags for later use. At the sound of this rather insulting assortment of words, the “bum” proceeded to acquire an erection, run across the street, and slap dear Twilight across the face with his member. Twilight stood in awe at the events that had thus befallen her on this sunny Saturday morning.

After much internal debate, Twilight decided to flee the scene via projectile vomit. The bum’s stoic gaze never faltered as the contents of Twilights stomach gushed out with a force greater than that of Equestrian gravity. She found herself accelerating up into the air and away from the bum. After several layers of atmosphere, she situated herself in geosynchronous orbit, and began to formulate what would become the most intellectual plan of her young life. This plan was one of revenge.

The bum sheathed his fifth limb, and continued down the street. None had witnessed the spectacle that took place between him and Twilight Sparkle. As he entered Ponyville, he received several dirty looks and a partial erection, but nothing more. Eventually, he stopped at a nice, sunny spot in the market next to a celery vendor, to see if he could make some bits. With great care, the bum slid seven bloody, skinless animal corpses out of his saddle bags and onto the grass. He then dumped the rest of the items in his bags onto the grass: a 5lb crack rock, four mouldy cheese buns, the uterus from which he was born, and a rusty, deformed slinky. He stood back, admiring his voluptuous merchandise.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders approached chatting about the intricacies of Equestria’s economy. The conversation died abruptly as the three fillies reached the bum’s purchasable goods. A tantalising scent crept from the various products that lay before them. Without warning, Scootaloo’s face slowly began to melt off of her skull. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom could only stare at their friend in horror as her eyes melted out of their very sockets. Gurgled screams of pain and anguish spewed from what once was Scootaloo’s mouth. At last she collapsed into a lifeless pile, her liquid face in a gelatinous puddle next to her.

A fleeting moment passed as the two fillies regarded the faceless corpse of their friend which remotely resembled a slaughtered chicken. Their gazes slowly turned towards what had obliterated their useless comrade. The disgusting stare of what could only be described as the definition of filth emanated from the wily vagabond. The two minors were completely repulsed yet somehow aroused by the compilation of merchandise dangerously close to their hooves. Apple Bloom gulped as she tentatively stepped forward, lubricant seeping from her loins, to greet the unsavory character.

“Yuh dun got yerself some maty fahn stuff thar mister!” she piped with a wild grin, evidently unscathed by Scootaloo’s death, “I’ll give ya Sweetie Belle’s left kidney fer that thar slinky and two o’ them cheese buns!” The bum’s eyes cascaded lustfully across his beautiful possessions, none of which he was sure he could part with. As he lowered himself to his beloved, rust-laden slinky, emotions of friendship and compassion welled up inside him. A flurry of distant memories flooded his thoughts. The rape...the pillaging...the butt flossing...all of it had been done with this glorious companion of his. How foolish of him to sell his dearest friend. How foolish of...her. How dare she offer such a lowly organ! Eyes from the deepest chasm of hell shot a gaze at Apple Bloom that would liquefy the vital organs of a lesser opponent. The bum dove savagely at the southern drawl wielding wretch before him.

Sweetie Belle could only watch in horror as the vagrant viciously tackled Apple Bloom down to the ground with the force of an enraged rhinoceros. Winded, the small apple creature gawked in terror at the malicious stallion towering over her. In her fright she glanced down to see something massive and pulsating droop down between his hind legs. A deep crimson washed over her cheeks and her loins let out a gush of approval. Before the bum executed his patented B&E (Break and Enter) maneuver he detected a spray of warm liquid upon his hooves. Realizing the distinct aroma of adolescent pleasure, he knew instantly that such excretions were not of urine, but of something much more. Grinning mischievously he swiftly scooped the filly into his large gore-infused cloak, gathered his prized possessions, and galloped down the streets of Ponyville, leaving a trail of sensual fluids in his wake. Nopony besides Sweetie Belle witnessed the kidnapping.

Shortly after his discrete escape from the Ponyville market, the bum dove through a glass window of Twilight’s library and rolled majestically to his feet on the other side. He proceeded to throw Apple Bloom violently against a bookshelf, knocking her unconscious and moistening nearly all of the books it contained. After light investigation, he discovered the library to be void of life save for a young, sleeping dragon. The cogs of the bum’s genius mind whirled into action as he devised the perfect way to deal with this apparent obstacle. He withdrew his rusty slinky and professionally strangled the life out of one which he would never come to know as Spike. Returning to the adorable, comatose sack of vaginal fluid he had left on the floor, the bum thought deeply on what to do next. Deciding that there was only one logical course of action, he swiftly gathered bits of glass that had been strewn about from his diving entrance. Slowly but surely, he pieced together an elegant looking crack pipe. After intense masturbation to Apple Bloom and her riches a plenty, he had enough glue to hold the glass together. Taking a step back from his creation, the bum looked triumphantly at a crack pipe fit for a princess.

Little did the bum know, Twilight Sparkle had descended from her commendable geosynchronous orbit and was now lurking just beyond the window, whose glass had been used in the construction of a crack pipe. Peeking into her library, she could make out Apple Bloom’s motionless form, the bum smoking a 5lb crack rock, and the Spike's carcass tangled in what looked like a rusty slinky. Despite being enraged and slightly seduced, Twilight waited for her chance to strike. Eventually the bum vomited on himself and had a graceful seizure. With a spell, Twilight climbed through the window and onto the wall cackling feverishly. Many a strange noise came from her as she galloped triumphantly around the room via the walls. At the sounds coming from the library, a passerby might go so far as to assume an orgy of epic proportions was going on within. At the conclusion of this celebratory ritual, Twilight made her way over to the vomit covered trespasser. With the utmost ease and precision, she stealthily took a massive dump on the bum’s chest. Balance had been restored to Equestria once more. With her fantastic act of revenge complete, she savagely dry humped his beard like there was no tomorrow.

Think of it what you will. Do not attempt to understand the complexities of this elaborate plot. It is far beyond your level of comprehension.

Chapter 2

The Inner Machinations of My Mind

Chapter 2

Deep within the library, grunts of pure exertion could be heard emanating from the prone form of an undulating purple mare. Twilight Sparkle was having the time of her life upon the bum’s extravagant, fungus covered beard. A muffled groan could be heard from beneath her gyrating groin and shocked eyes sprang open in astonishment to greet her genitalia. The hobo grabbed the young pony by her flanks, stood up on his hind legs, and viciously power bombed her upon the mangled corpse of Spike. Twilight muttered a curse at this flawlessly executed wrestling maneuver. Casually elbowing her lifeless assistant out of the way, she rose to her hooves. The vagabond was thoroughly dazed from this sudden physical activity; after all, he had just awoken from a crack induced coma. Realizing his discombobulation, her horn blazed with a violet luminescence as she got ready to finish the intruder off.

A brilliant flash of light shot from Twilight’s powerful horn as she began to use the most dark and sinister magic in all of Equestria, to reanimate Spike’s fallen corpse. The bum only stood motionless, Twilight’s steaming shit still plastered to his upper chest. His cloak of sewn together animal skins stirred ever so slightly on the summer breeze wafting in from the glassless window. Sweet scents of leafy plants and beautiful flowers overpowered the sickening stench of the bum’s lightly decaying cloak just long enough for him to think clearly. What had he done? Flashbacks of his recent encounters in Ponyville flooded his thoughts. Nopony was ever welcoming or kind to him no matter where he went. None but his sexually appealing slinky could relate to him and the burdens he had to live with. A single tear rolled slowly down his dirty, expressionless face and fell soundlessly on the wooden floor. A TEAR OF EUPHORIC JOY! With newfound hope and inspiration pulsing through him, he charged at the purple and green creature tangled in his gorgeous slinky. Arriving at the soon to be undead body, the bum began to shove cheese bun after mouldy cheese bun forcefully down its gaping food hole.

The bum fought valiantly to save his one and only friend in life. Each cheese bun shoved down the resurrected creature’s windpipe only served to antagonize it more however. The soul of Spike had already descended into the depths of hell and what was currently inhabiting his body was little more than the embodiment of pure hatred. It regurgitated the mouldy, baked goods violently onto the floor, shocking the bum. A seductive smirk washed over his face as his assault had no effect on the undead wretch. This was a foe worthy of his most devastating method of attack. With the diminutive dragon still tangled in his trusty friend, the bum hurriedly trotted over to the slumbering form of Apple Bloom. He craned his head down between her hind legs and retrieved the vital ingredient to his insidious super weapon. Clenched between his teeth was a struggling baby phoenix by the name of Peewee who had been taking shelter in the young filly’s moist beef curtains ever since Twilight appeared. His eyes flared maniacally as he took the last ingredient from his saddlebag: The uterus from whence he came.

He excitedly stuffed the traumatized bird into the fleshy walls, still quite moist after all those years since his birth, with a sloppy squelch. After sealing the opening with a needle and spare pubic hair, he slammed his creation into a nearby bookcase to stop the relentless squawking. The sight of blood oozing out from the freshly closed hole told him that his weapon was finally complete. At last he stood valiantly before the Celestia-forsaken beast with his incredible armament at the ready. Twilight froze and her eyes became wide with dread. She knew the devastating power behind the atrocity the bum was clutching between his pearly whites. Trigonometric calculations flowed flawlessly through his mind as he determined the perfect angle and force required to hurl the cataclysmic contraption at the unholy perversion that was Spike. Just as he was about to throw it, an immense amount of vaginal fluid was propelled from Apple Bloom’s cavernous gash in a fashion similar to that of a geyser. The liquid effectively propelled the bum and his device out of the window through which he had come.

The now drenched bum lost a grip on his super weapon as he hit the ground outside. It rolled unseen into a nearby patch of coniferous shrubbery. He swiftly got to his hooves and hobbled to the window. He shook his hoof ferociously at the sky for the loss of his only powerful source of destruction. Although he never had feelings of compassion for anything other than his slinky, Apple Bloom and her unrealistic internal supply of lubricants had grown on him. He needed to recover both of them and get away from this infernal library and the two evil creatures within. Peeking through the shattered remains of the window, the bum witnessed his greatest enemies amassing between him and his adolescent prize. His eyes met a purple mare with remarkable regurgitation abilities that made a mockery of Equestria’s gravitational forces and a cunning undead baby dragon, perhaps powerful enough to overcome his best friend. He seethed in anger at their insolence. Nothing could stay his wrath. Nothing would get between him and that precious bag of love juice. NOTHING!!!!!!!

His blood curdling war cry filled the air as the vagabond walked smoothly to the front door of Twilight’s library and politely knocked three times. Twilight’s Alzheimer’s immediately kicked in and she completely forgot the entire day’s events. She trotted cheerfully to the front door, foolishly opening it wide and greeted her visitor with a “Hello! I’m TwilUGH-,” The bum had taken this opportunity to punch her directly in the face. He then grasped her mane and drove her horn into the wooden floor with all of his might. She was effectively immobilised for the time being. Pain and bewilderment consumed her mind as she fought to think of a reason why this strange homeless-looking pony had assaulted her so. With his purple adversary out of the way, the bum glared at Spike with a substantial amount of hate. He had to admit to himself that he was surprised and mildly aroused at the fact that his slinky had kept this reptilian disgrace at bay for so long. He attacked Spike with a perfect flying knee to the chin. It knocked his head back, simultaneously breaking his jaw and neck. Despite this cervical fracture, Spike was very much “alive” and appeared to be disabled from the neck down. His still possessed body lay limply upon the wanderer’s rusty friend.

Pleased with how gracefully he had incapacitated his nemeses, he skipped gleefully to the resting form of Apple Bloom. A brown blur caught his attention out of the corner of his eye as another foe came to challenge his might. Instantaneously, and with the grace of a cat, he sprang high into the air performing several mid-air cartwheels before intercepting the feathered beast. In his maw was the struggling body of Owloysius, hooting incessantly over such an effortless capture. Grinning maliciously at his prize, the vagrant knew exactly what fate laid in store for this avian creature. It would pay dearly for its profane insolence. Following a swift bout of masturbation, he carefully smothered his thick stallion sauce upon his winged adversary as it struggled between his clenched teeth. With Owloysius thoroughly coated, he placed the owl gingerly on the floor and raised a hind leg high into the air. With a huge grunt of effort he expelled a vast quantity of amber liquid, bathing the owl in urinary splendour. The volatile mixture of both equine seed and excretions did the job swiftly. Bubbling with great ferocity, it disintegrated the number one assistant at a subatomic level, effectively banishing it out of existence. Satisfied with his chivalrous performance, the humble earth pony turned his unflinching gaze to the sleeping container of hormonal nectar of which he madly craved for.

His handsome ebony colored muzzle gently caressed the slumbering filly’s cheek in affection. Slowly, the stallion lowered his hoof and brought it around the opposite side to properly hold her between his foreleg and head. Apple Bloom awoke to witness the mustang’s filth covered face tenderly brush against her own in an unexpected display of serene affection. Her mind was buzzing with questions. Who was this repulsive colt embracing her? What had happened since she was at the market? How did she get in Twilight’s library? Why was she soaking in an unknown warm liquid? All these worries were washed away by the simple embrace. Uncaring of the past events she copied the tender gesture, brushing his greasy, gray mane as she wrapped her own hooves around him. Closing her eyes, she leaned in closer to fully return the comfortable hug, disregarding his foul stench.

There they stood, locked in a sublime embrace of true, unadulterated friendship. The birds could be heard chirping happily as the horizon presented the beginnings of a glorious sun set. With the gallantry of a true gentlecolt, the bum tenderly sat Apple Bloom on his back to alleviate her of further physical exertion. Remembering his lifelong friend, he wrapped the mangled slinky fashionably around his neck. Trotting nonchalantly through the only door, the two earth ponies left the library in complete devastation. The floor, ceiling and walls were splattered with promiscuous liquid. Glass was strewn everywhere and the remains of partially regurgitated cheese buns were abandoned on the cold wooden floor. Twilight still struggled to free herself from the confines of her imprisonment. Unintelligent sounds, similar to those of a heavily retarded child performing a simple task, were the only results of such struggles. Spike twitched slightly with his head bent at an unnatural angle. Toxic steam still rising from the melting ground was the only evidence of Owloysius’ existence. Indeed, this destruction was a reasonable cost for the forging of a true friendship.

Atop the lush deciduous leaves of the tree house floated a blue creature summoned by the loud ruckus. Her rainbow mane stirred slightly in the wind as she observed Apple Bloom riding atop another pony who seemed to be fleeing the library. From a distance, he appeared to be wearing a very attractive cape along with a strange metallic scarf. Curious to find out about this ebony colored stallion, Rainbow Dash entered the library to inquire about his presence. An ear shattering scream was heard soon afterwards, followed by what could only be described as the sudden disgorging of a full stomach.

Notes: One might wonder why Apple Bloom’s fluid managed to propel the bum out the window. Physics would challenge such an occurrence on the grounds that Apple Bloom’s mass is less than that of the bum. This should result in her being propelled in the opposite direction of her fluids, rather than remaining stationary and propelling the bum. The reason for this is that Apple Bloom’s coefficient of friction with the floor is greater than you can comprehend.

Also, you may think that some of the words used thus far do not belong and/or do not work with the situations they are used in. I can assure you, every word was used purposefully.

Lastly, this glorious creation will continue. Stick around for more chapters!

Chapter End

Chapter End

Then everypony died.

This story is dedicated to the nether regions of the internetz.