“We need to give them all good homes, and jobs! Everyone deserves to live in such a wonderful and free country as ours!” Soon to be Queen, Trump said. It’s been eight years since Queen Xenomorph was rightfully elected to the throne and in the time he was able to rebuild ponyville, resurrect applejack and bring unemployment down to fucking zip, but alas his terms as well as his fair rule was coming to an end.
“Gosh, like GOSH! He’s such a TERRIBLE and RACIST person! How does ANYONE want to vote for him!?” Rarity yelled.
“I know right? He’s always oppressing everyone!” Twilight retorted.
“Next thing you know he’ll take away our safe spaces, then we’ll have to deal with everyone’s opposing opinions head on, like adults or something.” Rarity said.
“...Um...gals? Yall do know that he’s just tryin’ his darnest to to make Equestria a better place for everypony right? Why can’t yall just understand he’s the most suitable candidate for this position as Quee-”
But before AppleJack could finish her sentence Twilight Sparkle chimed in. “Excuse me Apple Jack, but how could you be so oppressive right now? You do realize you're supporting the Patriarchy if you vote for Trump right?”
Applejack fixed her Make Equestria Great again hat and tried her best to respond. “Now listen Twilight, dont’chya think yer bein’ a little bit irrational? Dont’chya know that the world isn’t all kindness and happiness? Sometimes there will be people in yer life that just don’t agree with yer beliefs. It’s just the way of life and I think yall should come to yer senses and-” but before AppleJack could finish her sentence the whole mane six were already tieing her down and getting prepared to do what I always do to Applejack in all of my stories.
“WAIT! GIRLS!” Pinkie Pie chimed in excitedly. “Instead of just simply murdering her like the author always forces us to do, how about we sacrifice her to our lord and savior, Bernie Sanders!”
“W-wow Pinkie. That’s a wonderful idea.” Fluttershy muttered. So the gang ball gagged AppleJack and shoved her into a duffle bag, preparing to lug her to the church of Bernie Sanders, located in Everfree forest.
“Alright girls, we can’t take our usual way of getting to the church. It’s filled with ponies getting ready for another filthy Trump rally. We’re going to have to go through the ghettos. Let me go get Spike, he should have good enough street cred to get us through with minimal stab wounds.” Twilight said.
As the gang approached the reinforced steel door to the basement, they could already smell the sweat down the hall. Twilight had done the honors of magically undoing the 17 padlocks and unlocking the door, releasing hundreds of cockroaches into her library.
The basement was permeated by the musk of sweat and urine, inciting a simultaneous gag from each of the gang. The halls were densely covered in a web-like structure of fleshy, organic substance that seemed to have formed it’s own ecosystem in the depths of Twilight’s library.
As they approached the door to Spike’s room, a message seemed to be scratched into it’s wood that had become rotten after months of exposure to the humid environment of the basement’s halls, although nobody could make out what it said due to Spike’s indecipherable handwriting. Muffled behind the door, several inhuman grunts resounded through it’s decrepit frame.
As soon as the door was open, the hinges broke and the door collapsed into thousands of splinters. Spike was in the middle of downing a plate of chicken tenders. Spike, disturbed by such an interruption, turned around and yelled. “GET OUT OF HERE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” and started throwing multiple of his piss jugs around the room.
“Wait, Spike, please just calm down for a second I just need to ask you a favor.” Twilight said, attempting to catch the jugs in mid air with her telepathy but failing to catch all of them, ending in the whole gang getting soaked in some half warm and half freshly brewed urine, covered in pieces of shattered glass and bleeding.
All this fussing made Spike workup even more of a sweat, but after repositioning some of his flabby stomach and fixing his fedora, he was finally calm. “What do ya want woman!?”
“I need you to escort me and the ladies through the ghetto, do you think you can do that for me Spike?” Twilight said, trying to hold back her disgust.
“...Hmmmm, alright, but only if I get enough good boy points to get me a week’s worth of tendies AND some dippin’ sauce!” Spike said.
“...three days worth.”
“ONE WEEK REEEEEEEEEE”
“Fine! Fine, just please don’t throw any more of those disgusting jugs.” Twilight said.
It took all of Twilight's telepathic strength to lift Spike onto his feet. “You know Twilight, I’ll try my best to get you through safely, but I’m not as well known as I used to be, back when I was hustling dope and all.” Spike said.
“The neet life sure did change you Spike.” Rarity said.
“Shut up wage cuck! Now let’s get a move on and get this over with!” Spike said, grease dripping down his chin.
The gang started to approach the ghettos of ponyville, the smell of suspicious herbs and the sound of trap music sounded from all around them.
“S-such a pleasant place, why don’t m-more people live here?” Fluttershy asked.
“It went a little down hill recently, it used to be a decent place though.” Spike said.
“Hey girls I think there’s a PARTY going on down that street!” Pinkie Pie yelled excitedly. Down the street the gang could see a group of zebras holding signs that said “zebra’s lives matter”, and there was a group of zebras kicking an unconscious guard.
“I don’t think that’s a party Pinkie.” Twilight said.
“How about we just tie Apple Jack’s lasso around the sack she’s in and throw it into the crowd, tell them it’s a guard, while they’re beating it we can sneak past and then reel her back in when we finish business.” Rarity said.
Muffled from the inside of the bag Apple Jack tried to speak. “Girls, uh, can’t we jus’ find anoth-” before Apple Jack could finish her sentence Pinkie Pie loaded her into her cannon and fired her into the middle of the crowd.
“Hey, that sack hates interracial couples!” Twilight yelled.
All the zebras surrounded it and stared for a moment. “Well, do you?” One zebra chimed in.
“No I don’t hate them.” Applejack muttered.
“Oh, that’s not bad the-”
“I just think it’s a sin!” The fists went fucking flying.
The gang slowly shifted through the crowd, Pinkie Pie even stopped to buy some suspicious white powder sold by a zebra who insisted it was parmesan. After finally getting through the crowd Pinkie Pie slowly reeled in the sack. “You're still alive in there right Apple Jack?” Twilight said. The only response were a few muffled coughs. “Good enough.”
After a couple more hours of trotting the gang approached a cave in everfree forest, there was a big sign on top that read “HOME OF THE DARK LORD BERNIE SANDERS, DEGENERATES AND HIPPIES WELCOME”
“Well girls, here it is, the wonderful home of our lord.” Twilight said.
As the gang slowly walked through carved hallways they were able to hear the holy chants from the cultists. “Allir glæpamenn segja að ég er nokkuð fljúga fyrir hvítum gaur”
“Such a graceful chant.” Rarity said as she nodded along. They could see a light permeating from ahead.
“WHO DARES ENTER THE HOME OF ME! BERNIE SANDERS!”
The gang bowed and Twilight said. “My lord, we come with a trump supporter for sacrifice.”
“HMMMMM, VERY GOOD! SNOWFLAKE! COME OUT HERE AND COMMENCE THE SACRIFICING TO THE DARK GODS!”
A white horse with bulging biceps approached the sack, wielding an executioner’s axe. “Rejoice! For your meat will be divided evenly to the lower class!” then he swung down, swiftly chopping the bag into two halves.
“NOW! I HAVE ONE MORE REQUEST FOR YOU!”
“Anything for you m’lord.” Twilight said as Spike simultaneously tipped his fedora, triggering a chain reaction that resulted in millions of people across the galaxy to cringe.
“YOU MUST ATTEND TONIGHT’S TRUMP RALLY!”
The gang gasped.
“DON’T FUSS YOUNG ONES! YOU ARE ATTENDING THE RALLY TO EXTERMINATE THE ROACHES! SNOWFLAKE! BRING THESE GIRLS THE PROPER EXTERMINATION EQUIPMENT!”
SnowFlake approached with a bag filled with fully automatic Kg m/40 light machine gun, with extended barrels fully packed to the brim with hollow point 6.5x55 mm bullets, red dot sight, recoil reducing grip, Burris MTAC Rifle Scope 30mm Tube 1-4x 24mm Illuminated Reticle with Fastfire III Red Dot 3 MOA Dot and P.E.P.R. Mount Matte, and a suppressor.
“Fully automatic weapons eh? Perfect.” Fluttershy said with an evil glow in her eyes.
“DO THIS TASK FOR ME AND I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE GATES OF VALHALLA MYSELF, ALL SHINY AND CHROME!” and on that note the gang grabbed their killing machines and headed out to put the final solution into action.
“I’m glad all my fellow Equestrians could make it tonight, it’s a real pleasure!” Trump said with a charismatic smile. As he started his speech the crowd listened quietly, as an old and battered armored van pulled up behind it all.
“Remember girls, no Russian.” Twilight said as she clocked the chamber of her gun. Instantly after, the gang opened fire, causing the crowd to panic as a massive cloud of smoke formed all around the rally. Finally, after all their barrels ran out of ammunition they waded through the crowd of dead ponies and approached the podium at the end. There it was, the corpse of the best candidate for president, Donald Trump.
“Phew, we did it.” Twilight said with relief.
“Or did you?” A figure rose from the smoke, Pinkie Pie responded quickly and shot the figure. When they got closer they quickly realised that the human-figure was actually a log.
“Oh no, It’s Ted Cruzimaki!” Rarity yelled. As quickly as she said her sentence the great Ninja swiftly chopped off all of their heads with his superior japanese crafted katana.
“Now I shall be the next hokage of Equestria!” Ted Cruzimaki said as he walked off into the distance, sheathing his katana.
“U-um… y-your highness?” A guard, nervously holding a newspaper which headline read,Ted Cruzimaki wins the election for next Hokage of Equestria. “The v-votes are in. It’s time for you to...s-step down as queen..” The guard said as he closed his eyes and braced for anal contusions.
“HISSSSSSS-” The queen gave a discreet cough before continuing. “Sorry, I had something in my throat. Well, I had a good term, send him my congratulations. Now I’m going to go run for mayor of Ponyville, since the last cuck died during that gay pride rally.” The queen then hissed and exited through a ventilation shaft on the ceiling.
Author's Note
Believe it!
