“So… you and Spike, huh?”

Starlight didn’t reply right away. She looked down at the damp grass under her hooves as a small smile started to spread over her face.

“I can’t say I saw it coming, but you could do worse,” the blue mare said, a smug smile tugging at her lips.

“Geez, thanks Trixie,” Starlight said.

“I mean it!” Trixie said as she gave Starlight a playful shove. “The little squirt will be good for you, you’ll see.”

“Mmm, he’s not that little anymore…”

“Yeah, you would know.” Trixie laughed before smirking at Starlight.

Starlight didn’t reply; she just kept walking down the street with her friend in tow. A part of her wanted to confide in Trixie and tell her everything, and she had every intention of doing so; but she knew there was something else she had to do first, and if she didn’t do it right now, she would lose her conviction.

“I can’t believe I missed out messing with you yesterday. Stupid rain... I wish I had pushed through, we could’ve gone out to celebrate!” Trixie exclaimed, throwing one hoof in the air for emphasis. “Starlight Glimmer is finally getting some after who knows how long!”

“Trixie…” Starlight didn’t know it was possible to sound meek and angry at the same time, but she kept on surprising herself.

“I know, I know. I may have arrived here yesterday, but it was raining all day, you wouldn’t have wanted the Dry and Comfortable Trixie to leave the cosiness of her cart and venture into the downpour, would you?”

Despite herself, Starlight let out a chuckle. It was barely more more than a huff, but at least it was indicative of a better mood, and she would take what she could. If anything, she wished she had more time to spend with Trixie and try to cheer up a bit more. However, business hours would start soon, and she didn’t want to inconvenience Rarity in the middle of the day.

As they turned at an intersection, and Carousel Boutique came into view, Starlight found her breathing became more laboured, and her guts started twisting upon themselves, as if trying to jump out of her body and run back home. She’d made up her mind, though, so she started walking towards the large building.

She felt Trixie slow down to her pace, and without having to look at her, Starlight knew her friend was suddenly more serious.

“Trixie doesn’t understand why you feel you have to go through with this,” she said, trying to put on a disinterested tone, but Starlight knew she was being sincere.

“It’s not that I have to. I just feel getting my thoughts in order and dealing with the things that bother me should help me feel… I don’t know. In control, maybe,” Starlight said, painfully aware of how she pitiful sounded.

Trixie remained silent for a while, just walking alongside her before she finally spoke. “You never did tell me what brought this up.”

Starlight was glad she wasn’t looking directly at Trixie, because her face lit up when she thought back to the little self-loving session that had spurred her little downfall. It was silly in hindsight, but the feelings and memories it had evoked were anything but.

“I just…” Starlight didn’t know what words to use. There were so many thoughts swirling in her mind it was hard to put them in order.

You could just start pouring it all out, you know Trixie will listen to you.

She bit her lip as she pondered that idea. With nothing to lose, she just started speaking, “Have you ever felt that, even though you’ve worked hard to make up for your past wrongs, the parts of your personality that led you to make those mistakes are still inside of you? That even though you’ve filled the cracks in your past, you're still able to see them?”

“Can’t say I have,” Trixie answered almost immediately.

“Right,” Starlight replied, unamused. Before she could dwell any further on the feelings of gloom inside of her, she was stopped in her tracks when Trixie forcefully turned her around and cupped face with her hooves, squeezing her cheeks.

“And honestly, neither should you,” Trixie said, her tone even and measured. “You’re never going to move on with your life if you’re always looking back on your past.”

Starlight was taken aback, not only because of Trixie’s heartfelt words, but also due to the earnest look she gave her.

“You… you’re right, Trixie,” Starlight replied after a few seconds of contemplation.

“Good!” Trixie let go of her face and turned towards Carousel Boutique. “Now, if you have to do this, then by all means do it. Then we can go for margaritas or something.”

The smile came to Starlight with far more ease this time, feeling much calmer now. Talking things out with a friend did wonders for her, and helped her remember other things she may have overlooked. Maybe she should write Twilight a letter about this.

Nah, that’d be dumb, just wait until you see her again.

“Thanks, Trixie,” Starlight said, feeling much better already.

“Well, it’s only fitting for the Great and Powerful Trixie’s friends to feel as Great and Powerful as her when in her company.” she added with a wink.

“I think so too,” Starlight replied, and nothing else was said as they walked the last few blocks to Rarity’s home. Once they finally reached the large building, they stood only a few steps away from the front door.

“I can come with you, if you want,” Trixie’s voice came like a whisper, but Starlight heard her loud and clear.

“Thanks Trixie, but… I think I can manage.”

Trixie nodded and stepped closer. Throwing a foreleg over Starlight’s shoulders, she leaned forward so their heads rested against each other.

“Alright then. But if things go belly up, shoot sparks out of a window and I’ll teleport in to get you out.”

“You can teleport safely now?”

“Either way, it should give you enough time to escape.”

Starlight managed a genuine laugh at that, and seeing how Trixie’s smile changed into a satisfied smirk, she supposed that had been her friend’s intention all along.

“Go on, Star, I’ll be waiting outside,” Trixie said, letting her go and turning around.

Internally, Starlight vowed to make it up her friend in some way. She had improved considerably over the past few months, so perhaps she could cook something for her.

With a deep breath, Starlight steeled herself and walked the rest of the distance to Carousel’s front door and knocked on it before she got into an internal debate about whether or not this was really a good idea and risk—

“Coming~!” came Rarity’s voice from within the building, and Starlight knew there was no turning back now.

Starlight steeled herself and stood firm, waiting for the door to open. After a few seconds, she thought she probably looked a bit off-putting, so she tried to put on a smile. Then she realised her brow was furrowed. How are one’s eyebrows supposed to look while smiling? She had never put any thought into that. Rushing, she rose her eyebrows as much as she could while keeping her smile relaxed. But wouldn’t that make her look surprised? That wasn’t the right expression either, so she lowered her eyebrows once more. What was the right height for eyebrows to look natural and relaxed? Twilight had never taught her any of this! She tried to adjust her eyebrows, but then realised her smile was faltering. She hurried to make it wide again, but now she worried she was showing too much teeth. What was wrong with her today?

Thankfully, the door opened before Starlight gave herself an aneurysm.

“Starlight!” Rarity said, her eyes sparkling as soon as she saw who had knocked on her door. “It’s so good to see you, dear.”

The white unicorn stepped forward and crossed necks with Starlight for a brief moment before taking a step back and moving aside to make room for her to enter. Starlight, for her part, gave Rarity the expression she had rehearsed and hoped she didn’t look as though she’d just eaten spoiled food.

“It’s good to see you too, Rarity,” Starlight replied, her tone becoming more calm as the initial nervousness faded away, and walked into the building.

Whether or not Rarity noticed her unease, she made no comment on it, instead closing the door with her magic and turning to face her with a worried expression.

“You look a bit tense, dear.”

Well, so much for being natural.

“I’ll put on some tea, just wait for me in the dressing room,” Rarity said, her voice fading as she stepped out of the room.

Starlight barely managed to let out a “Thanks!” before Rarity was out of earshot. She found herself alone in the dressing room, not sure what to do. Opting to just sit down and wait, she walked towards the closest cushion and let her body fall on top of it.

Her eyes swept the room, resting briefly on the scattered pieces of fabric, sketches, and other dressmaking instruments laying on the floor. She hoped she hadn’t interrupted Rarity. Then again, if she had, then Starlight had a reason to hurry up. Speaking of Rarity, the sound of the whistling kettle told Starlight it wouldn’t be long before they’d be face to face again, so she ought to put her thoughts in order.

Sighing, she threw her head back and closed her eyes. The memories of the previous night played in a constant loop in her mind. A horrible, horrible loop. She saw herself in the bathtub after pleasuring herself, the reminder of Spike’s old crush, the realisation of how much he’d been ignoring once more, how she was falling in that cycle of self-loathing, and all the memories of days that were long gone.

Long gone, she reminded herself. You’re not who you used to be, Starlight. It’s alright.

She turned to face the kitchen, knowing Rarity would come out at any moment. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and tried to relax. After a few seconds, Starlight heard the sound of hooves against the carpet, and had to fight to keep her breathing even..

“Here we go,” Rarity said as she walked towards her with a small tray with teacups and a few biscuits on it.

Starlight blinked a couple of times as her mind came back to the present. She silently took one of the cups of tea with her magic and brought it closer, if only to give her hooves something to do. Meanwhile, she took in the sight of Rarity. The other unicorn was smiling at her with a tired but sincere expression. In spite of probably being busy, Rarity still managed to make time for her after dropping completely unannounced. How nice of her.

“So! Tell me dear, to what do I owe your visit?”

“I’m dating Spike,” Starlight answered without missing a beat. At least this time the outburst had been mostly intentional.

Rarity was motionless for a moment before her eyes widened in surprise. Uncertainty gripped Starlight‘s heart for the few seconds as she waited for Rarity to say something, anything that would ease her nerves. After a few tense seconds, Rarity smiled a wide smile and let out a squeal of delight as her eyes sparkled.

“Darling, that is wonderful! Allow me to congratulate you,” Rarity said. It looked as though she would’ve hugged her had the small table not been between them. “You simply must tell me everything, dear. How did you two get together?”

“We… It’s been a long time coming, really,” Starlight said, eyeing Rarity while waiting to see if she made any comment about it. The sincere look never left Rarity’s eyes, Starlight noticed, and felt a burst of gratitude spread in her. “We were alone the other night. We had spent the entire day doing nothing, just hanging out in the castle. I’m not sure what got into me, but I just confessed to him. I guess I was so lost in that moment… I just feel so at ease when I’m with him. He’s always been so supportive and understanding. Whenever I was going through a rough spot, he was always by my side with a silly joke, a cup of tea, or even just a smile, just to try and make me feel better. I know he’ll listen, and he will care, because he cares about me… how could I not fall for him?”

Starlight took a deep breath as she felt a wave of relief wash over her. Talking things out really worked wonders.

“Yes… how indeed,” Rarity whispered, and the odd tone was not lost on Starlight. She sounded almost melancholic, though it didn’t last for long. “It sounds so wonderful, Starlight. I’m happy for you both. I’m sure any mare would be happy to be in your place.”

Starlight looked straight into Rarity’s eyes. There it was again, that oddity she had noticed just a second ago.

“Are you any mare, Rarity?”

It took a few seconds for her mind to register what she had just said, but Starlight knew she had meant them. Rarity, for her part, barely gave any signs of having acknowledged Starlight’s words, other than the corners of her mouth turning slightly upwards.

“Do you ask because of the crush Spike used to have on me?” Rarity ask, every word carefully enunciated. “You won’t tell me you’re jealous, will you?”

“No,” Starlight replied almost immediately, though she wouldn’t meet Rarity’s eyes. “At least, that’s not what really bothers me.”

Rarity’s posture softened, and she leaned forward while she gave Starlight an earnest look. “You can tell me what bothers you, Starlight. I’m more than willing to listen.”

Starlight looked back at the other mare, feeling small and vulnerable. She wanted to say something, but if she hadn’t been able to be honest with herself, what were the chances she could open up to someone else?

“Starlight.” Rarity said in a firm tone, catching her attention and bringing her back to the present. “What are your feelings for Spike?”

She blinked a couple of times, taken aback by Rarity’s bluntness. Perhaps that was what was needed, since she felt the words coming to her with ease. Rubbing her foreleg with her other hoof, she took in another deep breath, and started talking.

“I care about him. After all he’s done for me, even just the little things… especially the little things. The way he makes me feel is unlike anything I’ve felt before, I’m so happy with him. Spike makes me feel calm, and safe, and… loved,” Starlight said. Her voice, though barely stronger than a whisper, echoed in the silent room. She felt her lips twitch as a smile formed, and a comfortable warmth spread through her chest. She looked out the window and smiled as she thought of Spike. “I want to stay by his side and make him feel the same way he makes me feel, because… because I love Spike.”

Starlight felt as though she could burst through the roof and fly all over Equestria without breaking a sweat. It felt so… liberating to say it out loud. She wanted to keep saying it, and even run outside, look for Spike, and tell him what she had just told Rarity. At that moment, she remembered she was still in her friend’s house. Turning around, she found Rarity was looking at her with a melancholic expression, as if her previous sternness had never been there. If anything, Rarity seemed relaxed. Content, even.

“Rarity?” Starlight ventured.

“Sorry if I made you a bit uncomfortable, dear,” Rarity said, looking down as she levitated a cup of tea towards her. Starlight had completely forgotten about it, and quickly brought forth her own cup.

Tasty.

“Is the tea to your liking?” Rarity asked her, to which Starlight just nodded. “Good.”

They both drank in silence, though Starlight never stopped looking at Rarity. The other unicorn still had that melancholic look on her, and Starlight didn’t know what to make of it.

“As I said, I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable, I just wanted to make sure your feelings were genuine,” Rarity said as she finally looked up from her teacup. That smile was still on her face, and even though it hadn’t changed at all, Starlight felt nervous at the sight.

“You know Spike used to have a crush on me,” Rarity started, setting down the teacup and giving Starlight her most serious expression, “I’d dare say it was more than just a crush. All of what you described, I experienced. And you’re absolutely right, Starlight. He’s wonderful, he’ll go to any length to make somepony happy because doing so makes him happy. He’s so caring, and thoughtful, and kind, and I won’t deny that he’s grown into quite a strong drake—“Starlight felt an odd mix of emotions in her, but it barely lasted a second”—and you said it yourself, didn’t you? How could someone not fall for him?”

An image started to form in Starlight’s head, but she did not dare put it into words. Much like Rarity had done, she just stayed silent, and let her friend speak.

“With the way Spike always treated me, and with how earnest he was in his affection… just about any mare in my place would have fallen for him.” Rarity paused as a soft sigh escaped her lips. She tried to smirk, but it came out looking like a sad smile. “Perhaps it was a cruel joke of fate that I could never bring myself to reciprocate his feelings.”

The silence that followed Rarity’s words felt chilling. Even though Starlight felt a pang of guilt at the relief that swelled in her chest, she did her best not to show it.

“Don’t think I didn’t put the effort,” Rarity continued. “Spending more time with him, trying to find common interests… my appreciation for him grew immensely, every little gesture of his made me like him more and more, but… it never moved on to love, no matter how hard I tried.”

Rarity was doing her best to keep a casual tone, but Starlight could notice that sad edge to her words. The way the white unicorn held the little teacup with her hooves, close to her body as she slowly hunched made her look smaller, and Starlight wondered just how much this affected her.

“It’s a horrible feeling, you know? Everypony talks about how hard it is to be rejected, or how terrible it is to be considered ‘just a friend’ by the subject of your romantic affections. And it is painful, but… it seems like nopony bothers to consider the other side. Knowing somebody you greatly appreciate likes you in a way you’re not able to reciprocate. You know it hurts them, and it hurts you, too.”

Starlight marvelled at Rarity’s wistful expression, the sincerity in those words reaching something deep inside of her. While she hadn’t gone through that experience, the emotion in her tone made it easier for her to sympathise. And how she wished she didn’t.

“That’s…” Starlight said. “That does sound pretty bad.”

“It is. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I hoped maybe with time I may grow to love Spike, but it never came to pass. It seems at some point, he must have realised it too. It is what it is, but I am grateful we could keep our friendship.” Rarity smiled, setting her teacup back on the table, and before Starlight could reply, she grabbed one of Starlight’s hooves with her own. “And I’m glad he could finally find someone who will love him like he deserves to be loved.”

That struck a chord somewhere deep in Starlight, and felt a bit of moisture in her eyes that hadn’t been there just moments ago. “I want to be,” she said, perhaps with more force than she intended, “I want to be that for Spike, I want to love him and I want him to love me back.”

Rarity rose an eyebrow, “Pardon me, dear. You sound as if that wasn’t the case already.”

Realising her slip, Starlight shook her head and strengthened her grip on Rarity’s hooves. ”It is. It really is. I love him, and I know he loves me back. I want us to be together for however long we can remain together, it’s just that—” She choked. Somehow, the words wouldn’t come out.

“Starlight? Are you alright?”

She wasn’t. And she knew why.

Starlight looked at Rarity. Her expression showed concern, and with how close she was, she could make out her reflection on the other mare’s eyes. She looked pitiful. A small part of her thought about how laughable it was to see herself reduced to this state, while the rest was too busy feeling miserable. She could scarcely remember the last time she’d felt like this. Had it been when she was chased away from her village? When Sunburst left their hometown?

That was different, though, she heard herself say in her mind, you were different. You didn’t have friends back then, but now you do. And you can trust them.

There is no reason to carry that weight alone.

“Rarity?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Can I trust you?”

Rarity gave her a reassuring smile as she squeezed her hooves once more. “Of course you can.”

Starlight averted her gaze as she felt her cheeks redden. She knew the more she prolonged it, the harder it’d be to say what she had to say, and she already felt herself getting closer to having a small breakdown, she she better hurry things.

“Spike has probably never had sex before,” she said, and could feel Rarity tense for a brief moment.

“W-well, yes. I imagine that’s the case,” Rarity replied, a flustered tone creeping into her words. “But I don’t see—”

“I have,” she blurted out. She could see the cogs turning in Rarity’s mind, so she was quick to add, “And don’t think that I feel bad because I’m not a virgin, that’s not it.”

Rarity remained solemn, keeping a neutral expression as if to let her know she wasn’t being judged. If that was her intention, then she was succeeding.

“You remember how… how I used to be, right? Back before I accepted friendship, before I started trying to… before I started to change.” Starlight waited for some sign of acknowledgement. When Rarity gave a small nod, she continued. “I was so… haughty back then. I just assumed I was owed the world and acted like it. I understand now that it was all because of my own foolishness, and letting my abandonment issues fester inside of me. Pinning the blame on everypony else just so I didn’t have to face my own issues. I think that’s why I always sought control. Over other ponies, their fates… just trying to make up for my own shortcomings.”

She tried to give Rarity a small smile, but she was unsure of her success.

“That applied to sex too,” she said, and had to fight the urge to look away. “It’s not hard to find stallions who are interested. Even if a few were intimidated by how confident and powerful I seemed to be, it wasn’t hard to drag a willing partner to my bed… but even then, I was still the same. Arrogant, selfish, condescending. I saw all those stallions merely as a way to scratch an itch. To once more assert dominance. Every time I just… took. In every instance, I just went in to get what I wanted, and I started to look at sex that way.”

Starlight couldn’t fight it anymore, and closed her eyes as a hot tear ran down her cheek. “And I can’t help but feel that I’ll do that again if I were to have sex with Spike!” she cried out, her voice close to breaking. “I don’t want it to be like that. Not anymore. I want… I… I want us to m-make love. I want us to share that special moment and not have it tainted because some stupid part of me will want to treat it like another conquest. Every time I start to feel like I want to get intimate with him I have to reel myself back because I don’t want to… I don’t, I-I don’t want to treat him like that, he… he doesn’t deserve that, Spike’s better than that, Spike… Spike deserves better than—”

She didn’t get to finish that sentence. In an instant, Rarity pushed the small table away, closed the distance between them and crossed necks with her as her hooves held her close.

“Stop, Starlight. Don’t even dare continue that thought,” the other mare spoke with a tone that left no room for objection. Besides, Starlight greatly appreciated the physical contact at the moment.

“I will not have you berate yourself like that,” Rarity continued, her words kind, but firm. “Who you used to be was not good, yes. But you have moved on, Starlight. You’ve come a long way since we first met you… you are a different mare now. I can’t ask you to just forget all of that, but you have to accept that that mare is who you used to be, and not who you are right now.” Rarity’s gentle strokes on her back managed to calm her down, and at least prevented her from breaking out into a crying fit. “You may be far from perfect, Starlight, but the mare I’ve come to know is a lovely, caring pony who wouldn’t do that.”

Far too soon for Starlight’s liking, Rarity pulled back, though she still had her hooves draped over her shoulders. “You’ve said it yourself, Spike makes you feel like you’ve never felt before. The old Starlight never got to feel loved, and safe, and cared for the way you do now. You have friends now, friends who have seen you become the wonderful mare you are today. You don’t have to feel like that anymore. You are different. You are better.”

Though on some level Starlight wanted to ask if she really was, she was too preoccupied with the tears flowing freely from her eyes.

“I—I’m sorry… I’m s-sorry, Rarity…” she managed to say as a few sobs escaped her.

With heartfelt motions, Rarity brought her closer once more, and rubbed her neck against her own. “You don’t have to be, dear. Just be true to your feelings and you’ll have nothing to fear.”

Not being able to take it anymore, Starlight wrapped her hooves around Rarity’s barrel, pressed her face against her friend’s shoulder and started crying, muttering a few words of appreciation from time to time. Meanwhile Rarity just gave gentle strokes to her mane and neck. Each tear felt as if it was poison escaping her body, ridding her of the festering mass of self-hatred that had nestled in the back of her mind, leaving only her behind.

“Thank you, Rarity,” she finally managed to say, but didn’t move away from her.

“Any time, dear.”

For how long they stayed like that, Starlight wasn’t sure, she just knew that she had cried her last tear by the time they separated. Once they did, however, she wasn’t sure what to say or do.

“I… uh… thanks for your hospitality, Rarity. And thanks for listening,” she finally said.

Rarity just waved her hoof as she let out a soft giggle. “Oh, don’t mention it. What are friends for?”

“Yeah… still, I really needed to get this off my chest and you were the first pony I thought of, considering, well… your history with him.”

“I understand, and I’ll always lend you an ear if you need me, Starlight,” Rarity said. In what Starlight imagined was an effort to lighten the mood, she gently bumped her shoulder and gave her a coy look. “Just be sure to treat him well, alright? Or else you’ll have to answer to me.”

Starlight actually managed to chuckle at that, even though it did bring up another issue. “Honestly, I don’t think there would be much of me left for you to deal with after Twilight was done.”

Rarity laughed as well, but was quick to reassure her. “I’m sure she will be happy for you once she sees how much you care for each other.”

“I sure hope so,” Starlight said, already feeling in better spirits. “I… I should be going. Trixie is probably wondering if she should break in to see if I’m okay.”

“See? Good friends all around. Take care, Starlight.”

Starlight smiled and nodded. “You too, Rarity. And thanks for the reminder.”

After a final exchange of farewells, and a promise to talk more later, Starlight walked out of Carousel Boutique, feeling like a new mare. She would still have to talk with Spike, but she felt she could do it. She felt she could take on the whole of Equestria at the moment.

With a spring in her step, Starlight walked into Ponyville with a positive attitude, and a smile on her face.

Author's Note

Isn't it nice to have friends?
No recipe again. Apologies. I almost wanted to include a bit where Starlight bakes something for them to eat alongside the tea so she can buy some time, but I couldn't find an appropriate place for it, and it wouldn't have meshed well with the tone and pacing of the chapter. Just imagine it happened. She would've baked this, for the record.
There will be some actual cooking next chapter, so don't worry.
I hope you're liking the story.
Thanks for reading.