TURN DOWN FOR DERP.

by ROBCakeran53

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Granny Smith, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Derpy Hooves, Sex
Length: 3340

TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?

There is no description which can properly explain what happens here...

That being said... good luck.

*There is no actual sex, but the implications make the tag worth it.*

Published 2016-08-19 14:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-19 14:50:01 UTC

Pelvic Thrust.

Author's Note

I blame Wanderer D and Zyrian for this shit... also my alcoholism, but mostly D.

Pelvic Thrust.

Earth having known of Equestria for some years, and vise versa, it was decided by both worlds they needed to send someone to represent each, and thus Zach was the first, and so far only, human to enter Equestria properly. Earth got Princess Luna, and Equestria got Zachery Humpback. Ignoring the subtle irony of his name had he appeared near Saddle Arabia, Earth announced that sending a normal Joe was the smartest thing for they would get an unbiased view of their species.

Really? They had no idea what would happen when a human went through the portal, if they died instantly or melted or exploded, it wasn’t known, so they figured a test run would be needed.

You see, Zach was a government building’s official sanitary control officer, also known as the janitor. All day he spent sweeping, mopping, and relaxing with a earbud in each hole on the side of his head, said orifices designed more to capture sound, not to be blasted by a small little speaker until the person went deaf by forty, but Zach paid no mind.

So it was unanimously decided by the ranking government officials that they didn’t want to risk someone who’s life actually mattered, so instead grabbed the janitor in the middle of scrubbing the toilets.

Thankfully, Zach did not explode, or catch fire, or come onto any harm other than a small scratch on his face where he crash landed into Princess Celestia after his unceremonious deposit into the new world.

It has been two weeks now, with Zach becoming accustomed to his new life and now ambassador, which mostly consisted of mopping and sweeping the Castle of Friendship in Ponyville.

Neither side argued over his role.

So it was one day when he was cleaning that Zach met his first “friend” in Equestria. She went by several names according to the towns ponies. Derpy Hooves, Ditzy Doo, Diddly Dunce. Zach called her Friend, and she never took offense to whatever name he used.

Having been sent with only the things on his person, Zach began to show off the wonders of Earth to the ponies. First was the broom, made with genuine horsehair… okay, so maybe that one didn’t go well. How about his mop and bucket? He even had an extended handle put on his squisher, so that it took less effort to squeeze out the mop head!

The only pony genuinely interested was the purple one, Twilight Sparkle, and even then she didn’t care for his cleaning supplies, not even bleach!

Come on, everyone loves bleach… right?

Then one day, he shows them the one piece of technology he actually had on his person, the portable music player, or MP3 player for short. It was a wonderful experience, all the ponies excited to see such a small device able to house tens of thousands of songs. Twilight wanted to investigate it thoroughly, but Zach said it was his only one and wanted to wait for Earth to send a spare, then he would allow her. She conceded the point, and left him to his business.

This little device is what brings us to, for the sake of everyone’s sanity we shall call her Derpy Hooves. Anyway, Derpy was on her rounds as usual, and her last stop was always the Castle of Friendship where she got to talk and hang out with Zach while he scrubbed the royal toilet or mop the royal floors. Mundane to most, Zach made it into an art.

Derpy had never seen someone so devoted before.

Zach explained that his secret was the music player, and that with it he was lost in a world of fantasy and adventure. Music guiding his every move. Each action had a theme song to it. If it was loud, he scrubbed the toilet until it was pearly white. If it was calming, he swept the floor with gentle strokes.

Yes, with this device, he was unstoppable.

So naturally, Derpy asked one uneventful day if she could borrow it for her mail delivery.

Zach, ever the friendly human, told her it would be fine. He could live a single day without it, after all.

So the next day, Derpy stopped by the Castle of Friendship and picked up the music player, Zach showing her how it operated. She found many songs to her liking, some not so, but one thing for definite sure was that he was right about how it livened up her mail route.

So it was here that we picked up on the mare, with only three stops left in her delivery route, that it happened. The day Ponyville was never the same. Where the Apple Family branded Zach as a monster and heathen. Where Rainbow Dash discovered her love for mares.

And where Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight, learned that human technology was dangerous.

The music playing in Derpy’s ear was full of lots of guitar solo’s and a piano, giving her reason to bank hard on her turns and give a couple of loop de loops. Normally not the agile flyer, the small device had given her a new gusto to fly. She felt like she could take on the world, no matter what direction her eyes went.

She giggled, the image of Zach crossing his own eyes making her smile. He was such a silly human.

Her third to last stop for the day was Rainbow Dash, then the Apple Family farm, and lastly her favorite, the Castle of Friendship. She flew on until the view of Rainbow’s cloud house slash mansion came into view, and the current song coming to an end.

Quickly she landed on the roof of the cloud structure, sorting through her bag at the remaining few envelopes, grabbing the appropriate ones for “Ms. R. D. Dash.”, until she noticed a strange beat coming through the ear buds. This was a first for her, it sounded synthetic, possibly made with technology versus an actual instrument.

Before she realized it, her rear legs were twitching madly.

Odd, this song is very catchy, and quite unique from the rest.

Then the lyrics started, and she couldn’t understand half of what was being said, but her body continued to shake. It was near hypnotising, as she started to gyrate her hips around and tossing her mail bag from hip to hip, thankfully the pouch was closed. In her mouth was Rainbow’s mail, yet she didn’t let it drop even as her body began to take a mind of its own.

Suddenly, she was told another round of shots, and that was it. Her body was spasming and going crazy, and she was hot. Oh so hot, and she knew well that clouds held moisture. Moisture meant water, and water meant cool. So, she did the only sensible thing once the beat stopped for a brief moment.

She jumped.

Then belly flopped into Rainbow Dash’s roof.

She didn’t know exactly what she was turning down for, but it didn’t matter. She was on fire, and she needed to cool. So naturally belly flopping into a cloud house was the ideal thing to do… naturally.

Rainbow Dash was sitting in her recliner, reading the latest Daring Do book she’d been sent by the author herself, when she heard a strange noise on the roof.

Must be Derpy getting ready to deliver my mail she thought, shaking her head with a small nod as she flipped the page.

What she wasn’t expecting, however, was no more than ten seconds later Derpy herself came crashing through her ceiling, sending cloud fluff everywhere, the mare landing on her coffee table in front of Dash.

At first, Rainbow didn’t move or speak, she couldn’t. Derpy just frickin’ crashed through her ceiling.

But then, oh but then, things started to get… weird.

Derpy began thrashing around madly, throwing her mail against a wall, until she landed on top of Dash in her recliner, pelvic thrusting her nether region in Dash’s face. Sure, Dash swung either way, but this?

“Derpy, what the fu-”

Derpy then propelled herself off of Rainbow, landing on her book case and humping it wildly, sending her precious Daring Do books flying.

“Hey!”

Rainbow began throwing things at the crazed mare. A lamp, her book, even some empty cider bottles that littered the floor. With each thrown item, the grey mare simply thrusted her crotch at the offending object and pulverized it.

Rainbow had had enough, and went for her phone to call the Guard. This was just too crazy, even for Derpy.

As she dialed her phone, Derpy jumped up from doing the Worm on her floor and jumped at her, grabbing the receiver.

“TURN DOWN FOR DERP!”

Derpy shouted into the phone, before thrusting it against her crotch, causing it to shatter into pieces. Dash swore she heard a scream on the other end of the call before it was utterly pulverized.

“DERPY! Calm down!” Rainbow shouted, her living room now in a total state of disarray and broken pieces of furniture and missing chunks of cloud.

By this point, Rainbow was done with… whatever this was, and went for her officially licensed Wonderbolts Youth baseball bat, and in an attempt to calm the mare took a swing.

Derpy, naturally, took the blow to her stomach while standing on her hind legs with gusto and didn’t even flinch.

When Derpy landed from the impact, she stood directly in front of Rainbow, and before she could even drop the remains of her bat from her muzzle Derpy thrusted.

What happened next should be against any laws of physics, according to her egg headed friend.

Rainbow was sent flying back into her wall by a pelvic thrust, both her mane and tail even wilder than her normally unbrushed fashion. She stared at Derpy, confused.

Derpy stared back, uncontrollably twitching and pumping her hips.

If Dash was still able minded, she would have noticed the small headphones coming from Derpy’s mailbag, but she was too entranced in Derpy’s eyes… they were normal.

Rainbow shook her head, a faint no of a whisper from her lips.

Derpy began to air hump, rocking her hips and curling her fore legs against her body.

A bead of sweat ran down Rainbow’s face, noticing with horror her own body began to rock with an unknown beat.

Derpy gave her a O face, and Dash found herself grinning, as the grey pegasus fell to the ground, her wings spread as she wiggled around on her back towards Dash.

Rainbow couldn’t help but step forward, directly over her… were they still friends after this?

Or were they more?

Before she could react, Derpy was directly under Dash’s rear legs, wiggling and gyrating her hips. A grin formed on Rainbow’s face.

She wants to crash through my roof, huh? Well, how about this!

Rainbow kicked up her hind legs, tucking them in so that when gravity decided to exist her plot landed squarely into Derpy’s face. Apparently, Rainbow’s floor was just as weak as her ceiling, for quickly they began to descend through the cloud and fall towards the ground.

Rainbow’s last thought, before she realized she stopped caring, was Wasn’t my house over Sweet Apple Acres today?

“And thank Celestia for this wonderful bounty, Amen!”

With that, the Apple family all released each other’s hooves and began to dig into their dinner. It was a long day as usual, but thankful that it ended short. With most of the chores out of the way, the family of Applebloom, Applejack, Macintosh, and Granny Smith all were sitting at the dining room table and chowing down.

So clearly, they were not prepared for what came from above them.

In a slow-like motion, the ceiling caved in, the overhead lantern breaking off the drywall and being sent to the side, while two figures fell onto their table and crushed it beneath their combined weight.

The Apple Family were all quick on their hooves, scattering to get away from the destruction that was to be a peaceful dinner. Now, it was a mess of broken plaster, wood, and…

“What the-” Applejack started, but just stopped as every cell in her brain decided Eenope, we’re done here.

Rainbow Dash and Derpy Hooves were currently air-humping one another, Rainbow giving Derpy a firm slap on her flanks as she stood behind her friend doggy style, thrusting her hips.

Thankfully, Macintosh was quick to cover innocent Applebloom’s eyes.

Except she wasn’t innocent… she found her big brother’s PlayColt collection.

She had her cutie mark, so she was a teenager. Bla bla hormones bla bla, get over it.

Point is, the filly was happy that Rainbow finally came out of the closet.

All of the Apple Family stared on in shock and… curiosity, as the two continued to go at it. Derpy picked up Rainbow under her belly, rocking her so that their hips connected and swung her back and forth.

As each Apple member chose turns to blink, their positions on the floor changed. From doggystyle to sixty nine, they continued at it, all the while not actually making any sexual contact.

The three actual siblings of the family had only one thought going through their mind…

What is Granny Smith thinking?

Suddenly, the two pegasi stopped and stared at the family matriarch, who was resting against her walker.

At that moment, Applejack knew that their lives would never be the same.

There’s an old saying from Earth, strangely, that gravity pulls everything down. While that was also true in Equestria, on Earth humans had a way to cover up when things began to sag. Ponies? Aw hell naw.

Granny Smith’s ninety seven year old crotch tits dangled like drapes against an open window. Most ponies knew that it was what came with age, so you never said anything.

But this?

The three siblings stared on in horror as the dangling blobs of wrinkles began to bounce underneath her frame, in tune with a beat nopony but Derpy could hear. By the time Granny Smith knew what was happening, she’d thrown her walker to the side in a panic.

Applebloom stared on in amusement, never seeing the house so lively until these two pegasi crashed through their ceiling.

Before any of them knew what was actually going through their apple fueled brains, they all were rocking and shaking together in a beat. Derpy stood alone, pelvic thrusts overtaking her as her eyes held tightly closed.

Rainbow Dash was now humping against their fridge. Granny Smith was destroying priceless Apple Family porcelain on the counter top. Big Macintosh was humping against Derpy, and lastly Applebloom was a wild frenzy of dance moves as she stood over the remains of their kitchen table.

Then, all as one, everypony jumped, and as they landed the floor below them crumbled and fell into what they thought was the apple cellar.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was hosting a party in the Castle of Friendship.

With the discovery of the human race and their technological benefits, she felt it was right to do so. Many nobles from Canterlot, many business ponies from Manehattan, and of course the princesses joined her little swaray as everypony mingled and chatted.

And of course, every party needed alcohol. Lucky, Twilight knew that Applejack wouldn’t mind if she borrowed a barrel… or two of cider from their cellar, so opening up a convenient portal in the ceiling of the cellar was a genius idea.

And because she didn’t want anypony getting greedy, she hid the portal directly above them so that she could easily acquire more if needed, and everypony else couldn’t get their hooves on them.

So it was natural, neigh expected, that there came a crash from above the party as a group of ponies fell into the party, sending dust and wood chunks flying.

Twilight looked on in horror as the entire Apple Family, Rainbow Dash, and Derpy Hooves stood up to check themselves, before erupting in a frenzy of mad dance moves and hip thrusts.

Before Twilight could even react, it was like a light switch was flipped. The once calm, quiet, and collective ponies of the party became crazy party animals, her other friends included. Before long it was a mad mosh pit of dancing, rubbing bodies, and pelvic thrusts on furniture before through the double doors stepped Princess Celestia herself.

Everypony froze at that moment, as the ruler of their land strode up to the center of the room where a lone member of the Apple family still stood on his hind legs mid dance step.

Celestia stopped before “Big” Macintosh Apple, noticing his hips still rocking back and forth. Twilight knew this was it, this was the end where they were all banished to the moon. But then something… unexpected happened.

Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, regal figure in the public eye and not one to make a scene, lowered her head down towards the stallion’s groin area, which was still thrusting, then with a long inhale brought her head back up to meet his eyes, and grinned.

Within seconds the party was back in full swing, ponies of all classes and ranks dancing and air humping one another, regardless of gender or race. Celestia herself was throwing her regalia around like it was paper plates, continuing to be rocked in Big Mac’s embrace as the two danced together.

Meanwhile, Rainbow was bumping plots against Applejack, who had lost her hat and not given a buck as she made a posterior impact with her rainbow maned friend.

Twilight was still in utter shock, until Derpy herself approached with a pelvic thrust right into Twilight’s face, getting a mouth full of pubic hair. The party was so out of control, everything was going crazy and ponies were doing dirty all around her, that a part of her brain said Eenope, we’re done here.

And so, Twilight danced.

0800.

That was the time Zach always expected to be ready for work.

The Castle of Friendship was one of those places that no matter how little traffic it actually got, it still needed constant upkeep and cleaning. Sure, Princess Twilight had her helper Spike to do some of it, but he was a small little dragon, how did she expect him to handle an entire castle?

Really, this place was maybe a fifth of the size of his previous employer.

Surprisingly, switching from one government to another wasn’t all that hard. He just had to be thrown through a portal, prove he was still alive, and bam he was an ambassador… that still scrubbed toilets and mopped floors, but meh.

Fetching the keys, he opened the main doors to the castle and walked in. From the quiet he could tell it would be another normal boring day, which he was all for it. Lending his music player yesterday to his friend Derpy, Zach hoped she would stop by soon to give it back, so that the mundane chores that required his services would be given a whole new gusto as he took the challenges head on.

Opening the main doors to the dining hall, he was greeted with the still forms of at least a hundred bodies. Bodies of ponies, strewn on the floor, on tables, slumped in chairs and even a rainbow haired pegasus dangling from the chandelier.

Tip toeing through the minefield of breathing bodies, he found his first friend here in Equestria, Derpy Hooves, who was slumped against the unregal form of Princess Celestia, who also was draped over the form of a red stallion that was grinning ear to ear.

Hearing a steady beat coming from the small buds in Derpy’s ears, Zach reached towards Derpy and grabbed his music player, noticing the battery almost dead he sighed.

“Next time, turn it down.”