The Mane 6 Talk Politicsby CategoricalGrantChaptersBONUS: Starlight Glimmer- The Unopinionated VoterTwilight Sparkle- The Monarchist (Er...Tetrarchist)Rainbow Dash- The War HawkFluttershy- The Progressive GreenApplejack- The Right-LibertarianPinkie Pie- The TrotskyistRarity- The (Un)Principled ConservativeEquestrian UnityBONUS: Spike- The National-LiberalBONUS: Starlight Glimmer- The Unopinionated VoterOn the way back to the train station, I ran into Spike who was off walking with Starlight Glimmer, an ex-villain that Twilight Sparkle and her friends had convinced to change. She (very reluctantly) agreed to a brief interview. “So, Starlight Glimmer, what are your political views?” “Well, you know my past. I was so fanatically in favor of forced social equality that I brainwashed an entire town of ponies and almost destroyed space-time in an act of blind revenge.” “I uh…didn’t quite know all of that.” Starlight Glimmer let out a very disappointed sigh. “Of course you didn’t.” “Do you still believe in social equality, but to a lesser extent?” “No. Well, I don’t know, to be honest. I’ve stopped putting any faith in ideology. After becoming a tyrant, I recognized that nopony is good enough to lead anypony else. We’re all terrible. Why even vote? We should be making the world a better place with kindness and friendship, not policies.” “So will you be voting next month?” Starlight shook her head. “Not a chance. It wouldn’t change a thing, anyway.” At that moment, a train whistle cut through the air, and I bid a hasty farewell, retreating to the station. I had been given a lot to think about on the train ride back to Canterlot and the CNN headquarters. Twilight Sparkle- The Monarchist (Er...Tetrarchist)Author's Note This is a story of a type I haven't tried before: some vaguely cynical satire transposed onto ponies. I hope that everyone likes it, but it's a risk, so...we'll see. And before anyone asks, I, the author, am a minarchist, although I believe that I lampooned all views sufficiently. I know I cannot prevent flamewars in the comments, so, you know, be respectful. The first two chapters may be a little slow though, filled with more "dry" satire. You can skip to Rainbow Dash's chapter if you don't like it. I hope you enjoy! Twilight Sparkle- The Monarchist (Er...Tetrarchist) It was almost noon by the time I arrived in Ponyville, ready to begin performing this set of unprecedented interviews. Surely, I thought, the opinions of these brave Equestrian heroes would give some insight into the way politics should be run in this country! I made my way to the towering crystal castle which dominated the small town’s skyline, and upon knocking at the doors was let in by a small purple dragon whom I recognized immediately as Spike, the hero of the Crystal Empire (wherein he has a formal title codified in regional law). Far from returning my enthusiasm, Spike matter-of-factly led me to the castle’s impressive crystal library, where Twilight was seated, patiently waiting with a steaming cup of Darjeeling tea. Upon entering, she immediately stood up to greet me. “Breaking Scoop! Thanks for coming.” I bowed deeply, planting a kiss on one of her hooves, as I have been accustomed to doing upon my rare interactions with Princess Celestia. “Princess, thank you. You have no idea how much insight this interview will bring.” Blushing a little bit, she waved a hoof at me humbly. “Oh, well thank you. There isn’t any need for formalities, though. I’m barely a Princess! There’s no reason to bow or kiss my hoof or anything. I’m just excited for this interview as you!” As I took my seat I contemplated Princess Twilight Sparkle’s humility. Certainly, Princess Luna is very kind and reserved, and Princess Celestia positively radiates warmth, but in my meetings with them they followed the traditional manner of interaction with a mere subject. Princess Twilight’s breaking of convention filled me with slightly more confidence than I would otherwise have had. (This interview got pretty technical. If you’re one for layman’s terms, you might want to skip ahead and read the others. Still, this was…telling.) “So, would you prefer that I call you Princess Twilight Sparkle, or Twilight Sparkle?” “Oh, just Twilight is fine. I’ve never been one to embrace the title.” At this point I was hit with a stunning revelation: this was a pony who didn’t consider herself any better than anypony else. A true Princess of the common pony. “Well then, Twilight, thanks again for the opportunity. I’ll get right to it: Local and Regional elections are coming up all over Equestria. I’d like to give you some time to speak generally about your thoughts before I ask any specific questions. What do you think? What path should the country be pursuing after these elections, and what is your opinion on the hot-button issues?” Twilight sipped her tea gently before responding. “Well, there are a lot of really important issues facing Equestria right now. There’s security, of course, which is always a primary concern, but land reform, education organization and funding, and the regulation or deregulation of financial derivatives are also really important issues. Thankfully, these elections will have little influence over the path we take, which is a good thing, because you can’t count on an uneducated and sheep-like. That’s why it’s so important to limit the powers of elected bodies, while retaining them to give the population the illusion of self-determination.” I recall blinking several times at this point in the interview. “Could you, uh, elaborate a little bit?” “Oh, certainly! We have a tetrarchy in this country for a reason. It is necessary for the most magically adept, reasoned, and experienced ponies to rule if we are to achieve stability. I can handle things pretty well, but if one doesn’t trust me, they can certainly trust Princess Celestia! That’s why we Princesses make certain that these councils have so little power as to be almost worthless; If not even I can handle some things, why do we think anypony off the street can?” It was at this point that I began to think that my original assessment of Twilight’s character may have been misguided. “But, certainly you believe that these elections are an important part of our political system and that ponies should have a say in how the government is run, right?” “Oh, no. These elections serve two purposes: First, to set up some form of basic local devolution so that Princess Celestia doesn’t have to answer inquiries about sewage systems and Princess Luna doesn’t have to lock up seedy criminals at night. But second, they exist to…well, trick the common pony into thinking that their vote matters. I mean, we all know they can’t be trusted. I listed all those complicated issues facing us earlier: could you imagine if we gave control over those to regular ponies!? I mean, have you met my friend Rainbow Dash!?” I shook my head, both in answer to her question and in unbelief that I am such a poor judge of character. “Well, Rainbow Dash couldn’t be trusted with even the simplest task! She slacked off when she was a weather pony, could you even imagine if we asked her to suggest guidelines for financial fraud investigations? She doesn’t know the difference between the words ‘taxation’ and ‘laxative’. I’m serious! If you put the word ‘taxation’ in front of her, she reads it as ‘laxative’! And she doesn’t know what either word means!” I took a deep breath. I had more questions before, but it was time to end now. “Well, uh, Twilight, this was very telling. I’m sure ponies will get a…fresh perspective when they read this.” Twilight seemed to cock her head in confusion. “This is…going in an academic journal, right? You’re Breaking Scoop, the famous political scientist from the Canterlot Collegium?” “Uh, I believe you’re mistaking me with my father, Breaking News. He was an endowed chair there before he transferred to the National University. I’m a reporter for the Canterlot News Network. Didn’t you see me on the nightly news back when you were living in Canterlot?” Princess Twilight’s hooves shot to her head…And she lost her composure. “AAHHHHHH! REGULAR PONIES CAN’T READ THAT!!! THIS WAS A DISCOURSE IN POLITICAL NIHILISM MEANT FOR THE EDUCATED!” A new presence entered the room, perhaps saving my notes from magical destruction. “Are you serious, Twi!? You did it again! Princess Celestia signed the Marena Carta for a reason! You can’t just advocate for absolute royal rule anymore!” Princess Twilight turned her attention to Spike, and gazed at him with a laser-focused stare. “Enough of your treasonous, incendiary rhetoric, serpent! The ponies of Equestria need the royal light to lead them forward! Besides, you’re not the one being interviewed here!” I sensed that this was my opportunity to escape the situation. “Actually, I was going to interview Spike as well before I got to your friends. Could I talk to him now? I’ve about finished with our questions.” She took a moment to catch her breath and smooth out her mane. “Fine, you can talk to Spike. Keep in that not only are his ideas about ‘self-determination’ and ‘liberty’ caustic to the very foundation of society, but also that we have a great dungeon in this castle reserved for people who threaten public order by publishing unsavory things.” With that, she trotted out of the room defiantly, leaving her tea. Spike took a seat in her place, and took a sip out of her tea. “She gets worked up and needs a while to cool down. Don’t worry, she won’t throw you in the dungeon, probably.” The door to the room slammed after being surrounded by a magenta aura. “Er…Plausibly.” Rainbow Dash- The War HawkAfter a somewhat daring escape from the castle, I finally met the newest Wonderbolt, Rainbow Dash, under a cloud in a field outside town. Calling up to her, I woke her from her nap and introduced myself. “Oh, yeah, you’re the reporter-guy, right?” I had never been called a reporter-guy before. I wondered if perhaps Princess Twilight’s assessment of Rainbow Dash’s intellect had a kernel of truth to it. “Yes. Being a professional athlete and a hero, and with elections coming up, I thought it would be great for ponies to hear all about what you think about the issues.” “Well, of course! I’m awesome, so everypony needs to know what I think so they can agree with me!” “Uh-huh. So, being a famous flier, what do you think about the proposed guidelines for freight air transport around Cloudsdale?” “Um….yes.” “Yes?” Rainbow Dash looked at me with quite striking light magenta eyes. “Yes.” “Okay…Do you have an opinion on the hate speech laws currently being debated?” “Uh…Mom always said that hate speech was bad. At the same time, she said that she hated the Las Pegasus Gangsters every time they would play against Cloudsdale, so, yeah.” I thought that maybe this was going to be fruitless, but I opted for one last try anyway. “What about taxation?” “What? What’s laxative?” “Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. What about politics is important to you?” “Oh, that’s easy! It’s beating up bad guys! It seems that every other month a new bad guy comes to terrorize Equestria, and we need to do a better job of fighting them!” “I see. So you’re a fan of increased military spending and proactive tactics?” “What? I don’t know whatever you just said, but what we need to do as a country is let me go in to the next changeling hive we find and kick as much flank as I can! They’re like bugs, they crush easily. I know, I fought them in real life…and also my dreams…and also in that one video game…I’m an expert.” “Okay, so-“ “And the dragons too! I know Princess Ember is a “good” dragon, but I don’t trust them ever since Spike took thirty bits from me last week in poker. They look all armored and scary, but they’re wimps, trust me. Fluttershy took one out by lecturing it, and Spike is a complete wuss! The guy may breathe fire, but he can’t take a left hook.” “…Okay. I think that’s all. Thank you so much, Ms. Dash.” “No problem, I’m glad I could put a light in ponies.” “…You mean enlighten?” “What?” “Nevermind. Can you direct me to Fluttershy’s cottage?” Fluttershy- The Progressive Green“So Fluttershy, do you mind telling me about your political opinions?” “Oh…well…I don’t know. I don’t want to step on anypony’s hooves.” Fluttershy is sitting on her couch, surrounded by a variety of small woodland creatures. I warily eye the various, questionable 'herbal remedies' present in glass jars on a shelf behind her. She seems to wither under my questions. “I’m sure the ponies of Equestria would love to hear all about what you think. Why don’t we start with something that you feel passionately about. How should government policy impact animals?” “Oh, well, um, I do care so very deeply about my animal friends. They’re so intelligent and incredible… I think we need to spend more money on making sure that we don’t hurt the environment that they live in.” “Is that so? So you’re okay with extra taxes?” “Oh, certainly. It’s so very important to spend enough bits on controlling pollution and protecting the environment. Harry the Bear lives with me because his old cave was destroyed in a land development project. It was so sad!” Fluttershy’s tearful complexion and frowning face was almost contagious. "And what would you do with the extra tax money?" "Oh, well, that's easy. I think we need to establish more social services. Sometimes starving chipmunks show up at my door, or an injured bird has to hop its way to me just to survive. It's so terrible to think that there are ponies without access to food or medical care! Why shouldn't we help provide that to them, just like I help these poor, sweet animals “What about social issues? Hate speech laws? Transgender bathroom policy?” “We need laws to make sure that everypony treats everypony else with respect. I have to make sure that none of my animal’s friend’s feelings are hurt. Why can’t we do the same with ponies? And…” Fluttershy lets out a very soft giggle. “I have always been more interested in installing composting toilets in unisex restrooms.” In a rare lapse of journalistic integrity, I cringed slightly with visceral disgust before politely ending the interview to move onto my next appointment. Applejack- The Right-LibertarianAuthor's Note We all know that Applejack is totally like this. Applejack- The Right-Libertarian I went to interview Applejack next, catching her during her normal workday on her farm on Ponyville’s outskirts. “Now, ah can only spare a few minutes sugarcube, so say what you need to.” “Okay, right to it, then. What do you think about the elections coming up, and what do you feel passionately about in terms of politics?” Applejack lets out a hardy scoff, letting me know exactly what she thinks about my question. “It won’t change nuthin’. The government’ll always be good fer nuthin’, lettin’ monsters rampage all over, lettin’ criminals get away with evil doin’, spyin’ on me with their drones and their mind control satellites… Heck, the only good thing they do is give me subsidies for mah apples, and even then it’s only good because they almost make up fer the money they steal from me every April.” “Interesting. So what do you think about social issues? Drug Policy, for example?” “Let them do drugs. Everypony should be allowed to do whatever they want, long as it ain’t hurtin’ nopony else. If some good fer nuthin’ lefty types want to ruin their bodies and minds, ain’t no skin off my nose. ‘Cept if they come on my property and start peer pressurin’ mah sweet little sister, of course. Then I reserve the right to pump ‘em full of lead with Pa’s blunderbuss that we keep up in the attic.” “I see. You’re a strong believer in the non-aggression principle, think taxation is theft and are…dedicated to bearing arms and maintaining strict property rights. It sounds like you’re a bit of a libertarian.” “A library-what now? I ain’t nopony ‘cept a common sense pony.” “Let me rephrase the statement. What do you think about roads?” “Hate ‘em. Hoof-worn paths are much better for the cart. Plus, they’re free.” “And what do you know about Equestria’s Central Bank?” “Ah know it’s the devil on earth, if that’s what yer askin’.” “Yeah, I think I have everything I need here. Do you happen to know where a place called ‘Sugarcube Corner’ is?” Pinkie Pie- The TrotskyistAuthor's Note The best part about vocalizing Leon Trotsky's philosophy is that the horse puns write themselves. Pinkie Pie- The Trotskyist Next, I arrived at the Gingerbread structure that dominates Ponyville’s central square: the bakery known as Sugar Cube Corner. Upon entering, I was almost immediately assaulted by the pink blur I came to know as Pinkie Pie, who was ‘super-duper-looper excited’ to meet me. After a few strange but pleasurable minutes of hugs, ramblings, and her preparing a veritable smorgasbord of treats for me to sample as we spoke. Finally, we sat down at a booth near the door. Unlike most interviews, she spoke first. “So watcha wanna interview me about? My friends? My pet alligator, gummy? Oooh!!! I bet you’re here to interview me because I’m the best party planner in Equestria!” “Er…no, actually, I wanted to-“ “If you must know, the secret to throwing the best party is to know everything about the pony it’s honoring! I have an entire room full of records in the basement.” “That’s great, but-“ “BUUUUTTTT, never ever ever use their favorite color if it’s dark. Only use pastels! Pink streamers will liven up any party, even if the pony is a depressed, nihilistic weirdo-pants!” “Politics! I want to ask you about politics!” “Oooohhh…don’t even get me started on party politics! Do you know how many party stores have run smear campaigns against me, just because I take their business by doing better work for free!? By the way, if you hear a rumor that I bake ponies into my cupcakes, it’s totally wrong!” “Government politics! The election!” “OOOOoooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Pinkie Pie’s sigh lasted long enough that I was able to catch my breath and regain a position of journalistic integrity. “Well, I love seeing ponies smile! It makes my day! And the best way to do that is to remove the bourgeoisie from their position of oligarchs of political authority and install a dictatorship of the proletariat in which those who produce goods are in control of both the means of production and the state apparatus! I mean, I’m a baker, so I know what it feels like to have the lazy bourgeoisie literally grow fat off of my labor!” I had never seen such an orthodox leftist political position touted by somepony so young, happy, and…unacademic. “You…You’re a socialist?” Pinkie Pie laughed heartily for half a minute, snorting every several seconds. “Oh, silly willy Breaking Scoop! Of course not! Socialism is an intermediary state which has to collapse and reform into a pure form of communism in which soviet councils control capital and output! Trotsky understood this! So did ‘Your Marks’! ‘Lemon’… not so much. He tried though!” “Wait wait wait… I remember reading up on you and your friends. You ran into a communitarian project led by one ‘Starlight Glimmer’, and you were the biggest critic of it amongst all your friends!” “…Well, duh! She was setting up socialism in one country…Not even! Socialism in one TOWN! And there was too much central bureaucracy; the working ponies didn’t have a single soviet in which to voice their criticisms! It was much more Stallionist than Trotskyist! Not to mention there wasn’t a vanguard party OR a vanguard party party.” “…What’s a vanguard party party?” “It’s the weekly party that I’ll throw for the members of the vanguard party! I’m thinking about doing different themes…Cuddle Party, Cake Party, Redistribution Party, The Five-Year Party, The Little Red Party, The Iron Rice Bowl Party, The Standing Committee Party, The Hundred Flowers Party…” As Pinkie Pie continued to ramble off innovative but potentially politically repressive party themes, I took the time to check my watch. “Oh! I’m so sorry Pinkie, but I’m going to be late for my last interview of the day! Could you direct me to Carousel Boutique?” “You must be going to see Rarity! She’s a capitalist swine, but also a reaaaaaallllyyy pretty capitalist swine. She makes me jealous sometimes. She’s super generous, too, so I bet that she won’t even be declared a kulak when the revolution comes!” Pinkie Pie walked me to the door of the building and gave me a brief set of directions to Rarity’s Boutique. She then embraced me in a crushing hug and nuzzled me a little before whispering in my ear. “We’ll have a place for you in the common media apparatus when the time comes. The people need their news.” And with that, she bounced away, leaving me to continue on. Say what you will about repressive regimes, but the sheer amount of propaganda they make means ponies like me have great job security. Rarity- The (Un)Principled ConservativeI made it to the Carousel Boutique just in time for my appointment with Rarity. She had prepared, it seemed, putting on a lavish dress and setting out tea and a plate of snacks for us. Pinkie Pie was right: she is a very pretty capitalist swine. As we sat down and began our interview, I decided to focus on the fact that she owned a business. “So, Rarity, I want to know about your political views. Let’s start with how you view politics in relation to your job as a businesspony and a designer.” “Well, darling, first I have to thank you tremendously for thinking of me. I always appreciate the chance to let my views be heard. It’s quite an honor.” Oh, she was good. A polished and posh pony who knew how to deliver and to play the angle. “To be honest, all of these taxes and regulations are absolutely destroying my business! I thought it was bad here in Ponyville, but with my new shops in Canterlot and Manehattan, now I truly understand! I’ll be voting for pro-business candidates in the next local election, so I can use the money I no longer lose to expand my business, hire ponies, and just generally allow my creative juices to flow.” “And what do you think about, say, public parks?” “Oh, I do so adore them! They are so aesthetically pleasing. We need more green space in town…so many of these buildings are an eyesore. Speaking of parks, have you seen the statue on our town’s fountain? It’s exquisitely crafted!” “I can’t say that I have. What about some other locally-funded initiatives, like public schools?” “Oh, I am a huge advocate for public education. The system treated me so very well, and now that my sister is in school I want the system to be the best it can be. I do think the local school here needs more funding; poor Cheerilee is so overworked, teaching all those foals! I was noticing some contradictions, and raised an eyebrow. “And funding for the arts?” “So important, darling! Many a culturally relevant avant garde artist has gotten their start that way. Besides, what would I do on my Wednesday evenings if there wasn’t a free concert or recital downtown?” “…And you know that all of those things are at least partially funded by taxes on businesses, right?” Rarity sat back, cocking an eyebrow. “I just want to pay lower taxes. I’m sure some bright, young, enterprising pony can find out a way to make up the loss elsewhere.” “But isn’t it unfair to force only other ponies to pay taxes for services that only ponies like you use and appreciate?” “…Get out of my boutique, darling.” Equestrian UnityMy interviews with our national heroes were very telling. I learned at least three different things from my interviews with Twilight Sparkle and her friends. All three will deeply impact the way that I view politics in Equestria. First, there are a great deal of various political views held in our great country. Some are steeped in tradition, while others radically embrace democracy. Others have great faith in government, while others have no faith at all. Some want to keep their money; others think it would do better in the hooves of the government. Second, there is a deep-seated dissatisfaction with things as they are in Equestria. Everypony I spoke to wanted to radically change the way politics works. Ultimately, we need to always be pressing forward in politics, and never staying stagnant. Finally, politics is not everything. Twilight Sparkle and her friends may all have opposing views on how things should be run, who should hold power, and whether voting is even worth it. However, at the end of the day, they are still just that: friends. These titans of history would bicker if we put them in the same room, but they would even sooner unite for the good of Equestria. The real politics of Equestria is friendship. If that conclusion doesn’t get me a Pulitzer, I don’t know what will. NOTE: As of Press Time on Saturday the 20th, Breaking Scoop is unable to respond to inquiries or make corrections due to being detained in Ponyville Castle on unknown charges. When asked about his status, Princess Twilight Sparkle replied, “His status is none of your beeswax, but I have plenty of dungeon space.” When asked if that was a threat, Princess Twilight responded by claiming that she was merely boasting about the great size of the castle’s dungeon. Princess Celestia returned no comment to our questions, but later released a statement saying, in part, that “The matter is being handled internally.” BONUS: Spike- The National-Liberal“So, Spike, what about you? What do you think of the elections, and what is your philosophy on politics?” “Well, I’m basically the opposite of Twilight, which makes me a generally rational, mentally stable citizen not prone to bouts of OCD-infused rage. The Marena Carta limited royal powers because ponies wanted a say in how things were run, and so it’s very important to make sure that elections like this happen and that they matter.” “Interesting. You mentioned the Princesses’ Power?” “Well, I mean, I think we should be ruled by a bunch of elected ponies. Like…imagine a town council, but bigger and with ponies from all over Equestria, so everypony can have a say in how we build the country. Maybe we can even have one pony that’s sorta in charge that everypony elects. It’s radical, I know, but it makes sense, right?” “It’s certainly ambitious. That being said, I am running a little late for my next interview. Any last thoughts?” “Yeah. I’d keep the Princesses around, of course, but that might just be because they all send me bits on Hearth’s Warming. I think the most important thing is, regardless of how we run Equestria, that everypony has the right to freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and freedom of the press…” Spike turned to face the door to the room before he finished speaking. “WHICH MEANS THAT REPORTERS GET TO SAY WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT FEAR OF BEING JAILED!” The tip of a purple muzzle that had snuck its way in between the double doors leading to the library quickly retreated back into the hallway. I eyed the door worriedly, and Spike turned his attention to me again, sensing my apprehension. “I’ll, uh, I’ll walk you out.” “Th-th-thanks.”
BONUS: Starlight Glimmer- The Unopinionated VoterOn the way back to the train station, I ran into Spike who was off walking with Starlight Glimmer, an ex-villain that Twilight Sparkle and her friends had convinced to change. She (very reluctantly) agreed to a brief interview. “So, Starlight Glimmer, what are your political views?” “Well, you know my past. I was so fanatically in favor of forced social equality that I brainwashed an entire town of ponies and almost destroyed space-time in an act of blind revenge.” “I uh…didn’t quite know all of that.” Starlight Glimmer let out a very disappointed sigh. “Of course you didn’t.” “Do you still believe in social equality, but to a lesser extent?” “No. Well, I don’t know, to be honest. I’ve stopped putting any faith in ideology. After becoming a tyrant, I recognized that nopony is good enough to lead anypony else. We’re all terrible. Why even vote? We should be making the world a better place with kindness and friendship, not policies.” “So will you be voting next month?” Starlight shook her head. “Not a chance. It wouldn’t change a thing, anyway.” At that moment, a train whistle cut through the air, and I bid a hasty farewell, retreating to the station. I had been given a lot to think about on the train ride back to Canterlot and the CNN headquarters.
Twilight Sparkle- The Monarchist (Er...Tetrarchist)Author's Note This is a story of a type I haven't tried before: some vaguely cynical satire transposed onto ponies. I hope that everyone likes it, but it's a risk, so...we'll see. And before anyone asks, I, the author, am a minarchist, although I believe that I lampooned all views sufficiently. I know I cannot prevent flamewars in the comments, so, you know, be respectful. The first two chapters may be a little slow though, filled with more "dry" satire. You can skip to Rainbow Dash's chapter if you don't like it. I hope you enjoy! Twilight Sparkle- The Monarchist (Er...Tetrarchist) It was almost noon by the time I arrived in Ponyville, ready to begin performing this set of unprecedented interviews. Surely, I thought, the opinions of these brave Equestrian heroes would give some insight into the way politics should be run in this country! I made my way to the towering crystal castle which dominated the small town’s skyline, and upon knocking at the doors was let in by a small purple dragon whom I recognized immediately as Spike, the hero of the Crystal Empire (wherein he has a formal title codified in regional law). Far from returning my enthusiasm, Spike matter-of-factly led me to the castle’s impressive crystal library, where Twilight was seated, patiently waiting with a steaming cup of Darjeeling tea. Upon entering, she immediately stood up to greet me. “Breaking Scoop! Thanks for coming.” I bowed deeply, planting a kiss on one of her hooves, as I have been accustomed to doing upon my rare interactions with Princess Celestia. “Princess, thank you. You have no idea how much insight this interview will bring.” Blushing a little bit, she waved a hoof at me humbly. “Oh, well thank you. There isn’t any need for formalities, though. I’m barely a Princess! There’s no reason to bow or kiss my hoof or anything. I’m just excited for this interview as you!” As I took my seat I contemplated Princess Twilight Sparkle’s humility. Certainly, Princess Luna is very kind and reserved, and Princess Celestia positively radiates warmth, but in my meetings with them they followed the traditional manner of interaction with a mere subject. Princess Twilight’s breaking of convention filled me with slightly more confidence than I would otherwise have had. (This interview got pretty technical. If you’re one for layman’s terms, you might want to skip ahead and read the others. Still, this was…telling.) “So, would you prefer that I call you Princess Twilight Sparkle, or Twilight Sparkle?” “Oh, just Twilight is fine. I’ve never been one to embrace the title.” At this point I was hit with a stunning revelation: this was a pony who didn’t consider herself any better than anypony else. A true Princess of the common pony. “Well then, Twilight, thanks again for the opportunity. I’ll get right to it: Local and Regional elections are coming up all over Equestria. I’d like to give you some time to speak generally about your thoughts before I ask any specific questions. What do you think? What path should the country be pursuing after these elections, and what is your opinion on the hot-button issues?” Twilight sipped her tea gently before responding. “Well, there are a lot of really important issues facing Equestria right now. There’s security, of course, which is always a primary concern, but land reform, education organization and funding, and the regulation or deregulation of financial derivatives are also really important issues. Thankfully, these elections will have little influence over the path we take, which is a good thing, because you can’t count on an uneducated and sheep-like. That’s why it’s so important to limit the powers of elected bodies, while retaining them to give the population the illusion of self-determination.” I recall blinking several times at this point in the interview. “Could you, uh, elaborate a little bit?” “Oh, certainly! We have a tetrarchy in this country for a reason. It is necessary for the most magically adept, reasoned, and experienced ponies to rule if we are to achieve stability. I can handle things pretty well, but if one doesn’t trust me, they can certainly trust Princess Celestia! That’s why we Princesses make certain that these councils have so little power as to be almost worthless; If not even I can handle some things, why do we think anypony off the street can?” It was at this point that I began to think that my original assessment of Twilight’s character may have been misguided. “But, certainly you believe that these elections are an important part of our political system and that ponies should have a say in how the government is run, right?” “Oh, no. These elections serve two purposes: First, to set up some form of basic local devolution so that Princess Celestia doesn’t have to answer inquiries about sewage systems and Princess Luna doesn’t have to lock up seedy criminals at night. But second, they exist to…well, trick the common pony into thinking that their vote matters. I mean, we all know they can’t be trusted. I listed all those complicated issues facing us earlier: could you imagine if we gave control over those to regular ponies!? I mean, have you met my friend Rainbow Dash!?” I shook my head, both in answer to her question and in unbelief that I am such a poor judge of character. “Well, Rainbow Dash couldn’t be trusted with even the simplest task! She slacked off when she was a weather pony, could you even imagine if we asked her to suggest guidelines for financial fraud investigations? She doesn’t know the difference between the words ‘taxation’ and ‘laxative’. I’m serious! If you put the word ‘taxation’ in front of her, she reads it as ‘laxative’! And she doesn’t know what either word means!” I took a deep breath. I had more questions before, but it was time to end now. “Well, uh, Twilight, this was very telling. I’m sure ponies will get a…fresh perspective when they read this.” Twilight seemed to cock her head in confusion. “This is…going in an academic journal, right? You’re Breaking Scoop, the famous political scientist from the Canterlot Collegium?” “Uh, I believe you’re mistaking me with my father, Breaking News. He was an endowed chair there before he transferred to the National University. I’m a reporter for the Canterlot News Network. Didn’t you see me on the nightly news back when you were living in Canterlot?” Princess Twilight’s hooves shot to her head…And she lost her composure. “AAHHHHHH! REGULAR PONIES CAN’T READ THAT!!! THIS WAS A DISCOURSE IN POLITICAL NIHILISM MEANT FOR THE EDUCATED!” A new presence entered the room, perhaps saving my notes from magical destruction. “Are you serious, Twi!? You did it again! Princess Celestia signed the Marena Carta for a reason! You can’t just advocate for absolute royal rule anymore!” Princess Twilight turned her attention to Spike, and gazed at him with a laser-focused stare. “Enough of your treasonous, incendiary rhetoric, serpent! The ponies of Equestria need the royal light to lead them forward! Besides, you’re not the one being interviewed here!” I sensed that this was my opportunity to escape the situation. “Actually, I was going to interview Spike as well before I got to your friends. Could I talk to him now? I’ve about finished with our questions.” She took a moment to catch her breath and smooth out her mane. “Fine, you can talk to Spike. Keep in that not only are his ideas about ‘self-determination’ and ‘liberty’ caustic to the very foundation of society, but also that we have a great dungeon in this castle reserved for people who threaten public order by publishing unsavory things.” With that, she trotted out of the room defiantly, leaving her tea. Spike took a seat in her place, and took a sip out of her tea. “She gets worked up and needs a while to cool down. Don’t worry, she won’t throw you in the dungeon, probably.” The door to the room slammed after being surrounded by a magenta aura. “Er…Plausibly.”
Rainbow Dash- The War HawkAfter a somewhat daring escape from the castle, I finally met the newest Wonderbolt, Rainbow Dash, under a cloud in a field outside town. Calling up to her, I woke her from her nap and introduced myself. “Oh, yeah, you’re the reporter-guy, right?” I had never been called a reporter-guy before. I wondered if perhaps Princess Twilight’s assessment of Rainbow Dash’s intellect had a kernel of truth to it. “Yes. Being a professional athlete and a hero, and with elections coming up, I thought it would be great for ponies to hear all about what you think about the issues.” “Well, of course! I’m awesome, so everypony needs to know what I think so they can agree with me!” “Uh-huh. So, being a famous flier, what do you think about the proposed guidelines for freight air transport around Cloudsdale?” “Um….yes.” “Yes?” Rainbow Dash looked at me with quite striking light magenta eyes. “Yes.” “Okay…Do you have an opinion on the hate speech laws currently being debated?” “Uh…Mom always said that hate speech was bad. At the same time, she said that she hated the Las Pegasus Gangsters every time they would play against Cloudsdale, so, yeah.” I thought that maybe this was going to be fruitless, but I opted for one last try anyway. “What about taxation?” “What? What’s laxative?” “Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. What about politics is important to you?” “Oh, that’s easy! It’s beating up bad guys! It seems that every other month a new bad guy comes to terrorize Equestria, and we need to do a better job of fighting them!” “I see. So you’re a fan of increased military spending and proactive tactics?” “What? I don’t know whatever you just said, but what we need to do as a country is let me go in to the next changeling hive we find and kick as much flank as I can! They’re like bugs, they crush easily. I know, I fought them in real life…and also my dreams…and also in that one video game…I’m an expert.” “Okay, so-“ “And the dragons too! I know Princess Ember is a “good” dragon, but I don’t trust them ever since Spike took thirty bits from me last week in poker. They look all armored and scary, but they’re wimps, trust me. Fluttershy took one out by lecturing it, and Spike is a complete wuss! The guy may breathe fire, but he can’t take a left hook.” “…Okay. I think that’s all. Thank you so much, Ms. Dash.” “No problem, I’m glad I could put a light in ponies.” “…You mean enlighten?” “What?” “Nevermind. Can you direct me to Fluttershy’s cottage?”
Fluttershy- The Progressive Green“So Fluttershy, do you mind telling me about your political opinions?” “Oh…well…I don’t know. I don’t want to step on anypony’s hooves.” Fluttershy is sitting on her couch, surrounded by a variety of small woodland creatures. I warily eye the various, questionable 'herbal remedies' present in glass jars on a shelf behind her. She seems to wither under my questions. “I’m sure the ponies of Equestria would love to hear all about what you think. Why don’t we start with something that you feel passionately about. How should government policy impact animals?” “Oh, well, um, I do care so very deeply about my animal friends. They’re so intelligent and incredible… I think we need to spend more money on making sure that we don’t hurt the environment that they live in.” “Is that so? So you’re okay with extra taxes?” “Oh, certainly. It’s so very important to spend enough bits on controlling pollution and protecting the environment. Harry the Bear lives with me because his old cave was destroyed in a land development project. It was so sad!” Fluttershy’s tearful complexion and frowning face was almost contagious. "And what would you do with the extra tax money?" "Oh, well, that's easy. I think we need to establish more social services. Sometimes starving chipmunks show up at my door, or an injured bird has to hop its way to me just to survive. It's so terrible to think that there are ponies without access to food or medical care! Why shouldn't we help provide that to them, just like I help these poor, sweet animals “What about social issues? Hate speech laws? Transgender bathroom policy?” “We need laws to make sure that everypony treats everypony else with respect. I have to make sure that none of my animal’s friend’s feelings are hurt. Why can’t we do the same with ponies? And…” Fluttershy lets out a very soft giggle. “I have always been more interested in installing composting toilets in unisex restrooms.” In a rare lapse of journalistic integrity, I cringed slightly with visceral disgust before politely ending the interview to move onto my next appointment.
Applejack- The Right-LibertarianAuthor's Note We all know that Applejack is totally like this. Applejack- The Right-Libertarian I went to interview Applejack next, catching her during her normal workday on her farm on Ponyville’s outskirts. “Now, ah can only spare a few minutes sugarcube, so say what you need to.” “Okay, right to it, then. What do you think about the elections coming up, and what do you feel passionately about in terms of politics?” Applejack lets out a hardy scoff, letting me know exactly what she thinks about my question. “It won’t change nuthin’. The government’ll always be good fer nuthin’, lettin’ monsters rampage all over, lettin’ criminals get away with evil doin’, spyin’ on me with their drones and their mind control satellites… Heck, the only good thing they do is give me subsidies for mah apples, and even then it’s only good because they almost make up fer the money they steal from me every April.” “Interesting. So what do you think about social issues? Drug Policy, for example?” “Let them do drugs. Everypony should be allowed to do whatever they want, long as it ain’t hurtin’ nopony else. If some good fer nuthin’ lefty types want to ruin their bodies and minds, ain’t no skin off my nose. ‘Cept if they come on my property and start peer pressurin’ mah sweet little sister, of course. Then I reserve the right to pump ‘em full of lead with Pa’s blunderbuss that we keep up in the attic.” “I see. You’re a strong believer in the non-aggression principle, think taxation is theft and are…dedicated to bearing arms and maintaining strict property rights. It sounds like you’re a bit of a libertarian.” “A library-what now? I ain’t nopony ‘cept a common sense pony.” “Let me rephrase the statement. What do you think about roads?” “Hate ‘em. Hoof-worn paths are much better for the cart. Plus, they’re free.” “And what do you know about Equestria’s Central Bank?” “Ah know it’s the devil on earth, if that’s what yer askin’.” “Yeah, I think I have everything I need here. Do you happen to know where a place called ‘Sugarcube Corner’ is?”
Pinkie Pie- The TrotskyistAuthor's Note The best part about vocalizing Leon Trotsky's philosophy is that the horse puns write themselves. Pinkie Pie- The Trotskyist Next, I arrived at the Gingerbread structure that dominates Ponyville’s central square: the bakery known as Sugar Cube Corner. Upon entering, I was almost immediately assaulted by the pink blur I came to know as Pinkie Pie, who was ‘super-duper-looper excited’ to meet me. After a few strange but pleasurable minutes of hugs, ramblings, and her preparing a veritable smorgasbord of treats for me to sample as we spoke. Finally, we sat down at a booth near the door. Unlike most interviews, she spoke first. “So watcha wanna interview me about? My friends? My pet alligator, gummy? Oooh!!! I bet you’re here to interview me because I’m the best party planner in Equestria!” “Er…no, actually, I wanted to-“ “If you must know, the secret to throwing the best party is to know everything about the pony it’s honoring! I have an entire room full of records in the basement.” “That’s great, but-“ “BUUUUTTTT, never ever ever use their favorite color if it’s dark. Only use pastels! Pink streamers will liven up any party, even if the pony is a depressed, nihilistic weirdo-pants!” “Politics! I want to ask you about politics!” “Oooohhh…don’t even get me started on party politics! Do you know how many party stores have run smear campaigns against me, just because I take their business by doing better work for free!? By the way, if you hear a rumor that I bake ponies into my cupcakes, it’s totally wrong!” “Government politics! The election!” “OOOOoooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Pinkie Pie’s sigh lasted long enough that I was able to catch my breath and regain a position of journalistic integrity. “Well, I love seeing ponies smile! It makes my day! And the best way to do that is to remove the bourgeoisie from their position of oligarchs of political authority and install a dictatorship of the proletariat in which those who produce goods are in control of both the means of production and the state apparatus! I mean, I’m a baker, so I know what it feels like to have the lazy bourgeoisie literally grow fat off of my labor!” I had never seen such an orthodox leftist political position touted by somepony so young, happy, and…unacademic. “You…You’re a socialist?” Pinkie Pie laughed heartily for half a minute, snorting every several seconds. “Oh, silly willy Breaking Scoop! Of course not! Socialism is an intermediary state which has to collapse and reform into a pure form of communism in which soviet councils control capital and output! Trotsky understood this! So did ‘Your Marks’! ‘Lemon’… not so much. He tried though!” “Wait wait wait… I remember reading up on you and your friends. You ran into a communitarian project led by one ‘Starlight Glimmer’, and you were the biggest critic of it amongst all your friends!” “…Well, duh! She was setting up socialism in one country…Not even! Socialism in one TOWN! And there was too much central bureaucracy; the working ponies didn’t have a single soviet in which to voice their criticisms! It was much more Stallionist than Trotskyist! Not to mention there wasn’t a vanguard party OR a vanguard party party.” “…What’s a vanguard party party?” “It’s the weekly party that I’ll throw for the members of the vanguard party! I’m thinking about doing different themes…Cuddle Party, Cake Party, Redistribution Party, The Five-Year Party, The Little Red Party, The Iron Rice Bowl Party, The Standing Committee Party, The Hundred Flowers Party…” As Pinkie Pie continued to ramble off innovative but potentially politically repressive party themes, I took the time to check my watch. “Oh! I’m so sorry Pinkie, but I’m going to be late for my last interview of the day! Could you direct me to Carousel Boutique?” “You must be going to see Rarity! She’s a capitalist swine, but also a reaaaaaallllyyy pretty capitalist swine. She makes me jealous sometimes. She’s super generous, too, so I bet that she won’t even be declared a kulak when the revolution comes!” Pinkie Pie walked me to the door of the building and gave me a brief set of directions to Rarity’s Boutique. She then embraced me in a crushing hug and nuzzled me a little before whispering in my ear. “We’ll have a place for you in the common media apparatus when the time comes. The people need their news.” And with that, she bounced away, leaving me to continue on. Say what you will about repressive regimes, but the sheer amount of propaganda they make means ponies like me have great job security.
Rarity- The (Un)Principled ConservativeI made it to the Carousel Boutique just in time for my appointment with Rarity. She had prepared, it seemed, putting on a lavish dress and setting out tea and a plate of snacks for us. Pinkie Pie was right: she is a very pretty capitalist swine. As we sat down and began our interview, I decided to focus on the fact that she owned a business. “So, Rarity, I want to know about your political views. Let’s start with how you view politics in relation to your job as a businesspony and a designer.” “Well, darling, first I have to thank you tremendously for thinking of me. I always appreciate the chance to let my views be heard. It’s quite an honor.” Oh, she was good. A polished and posh pony who knew how to deliver and to play the angle. “To be honest, all of these taxes and regulations are absolutely destroying my business! I thought it was bad here in Ponyville, but with my new shops in Canterlot and Manehattan, now I truly understand! I’ll be voting for pro-business candidates in the next local election, so I can use the money I no longer lose to expand my business, hire ponies, and just generally allow my creative juices to flow.” “And what do you think about, say, public parks?” “Oh, I do so adore them! They are so aesthetically pleasing. We need more green space in town…so many of these buildings are an eyesore. Speaking of parks, have you seen the statue on our town’s fountain? It’s exquisitely crafted!” “I can’t say that I have. What about some other locally-funded initiatives, like public schools?” “Oh, I am a huge advocate for public education. The system treated me so very well, and now that my sister is in school I want the system to be the best it can be. I do think the local school here needs more funding; poor Cheerilee is so overworked, teaching all those foals! I was noticing some contradictions, and raised an eyebrow. “And funding for the arts?” “So important, darling! Many a culturally relevant avant garde artist has gotten their start that way. Besides, what would I do on my Wednesday evenings if there wasn’t a free concert or recital downtown?” “…And you know that all of those things are at least partially funded by taxes on businesses, right?” Rarity sat back, cocking an eyebrow. “I just want to pay lower taxes. I’m sure some bright, young, enterprising pony can find out a way to make up the loss elsewhere.” “But isn’t it unfair to force only other ponies to pay taxes for services that only ponies like you use and appreciate?” “…Get out of my boutique, darling.”
Equestrian UnityMy interviews with our national heroes were very telling. I learned at least three different things from my interviews with Twilight Sparkle and her friends. All three will deeply impact the way that I view politics in Equestria. First, there are a great deal of various political views held in our great country. Some are steeped in tradition, while others radically embrace democracy. Others have great faith in government, while others have no faith at all. Some want to keep their money; others think it would do better in the hooves of the government. Second, there is a deep-seated dissatisfaction with things as they are in Equestria. Everypony I spoke to wanted to radically change the way politics works. Ultimately, we need to always be pressing forward in politics, and never staying stagnant. Finally, politics is not everything. Twilight Sparkle and her friends may all have opposing views on how things should be run, who should hold power, and whether voting is even worth it. However, at the end of the day, they are still just that: friends. These titans of history would bicker if we put them in the same room, but they would even sooner unite for the good of Equestria. The real politics of Equestria is friendship. If that conclusion doesn’t get me a Pulitzer, I don’t know what will. NOTE: As of Press Time on Saturday the 20th, Breaking Scoop is unable to respond to inquiries or make corrections due to being detained in Ponyville Castle on unknown charges. When asked about his status, Princess Twilight Sparkle replied, “His status is none of your beeswax, but I have plenty of dungeon space.” When asked if that was a threat, Princess Twilight responded by claiming that she was merely boasting about the great size of the castle’s dungeon. Princess Celestia returned no comment to our questions, but later released a statement saying, in part, that “The matter is being handled internally.”
BONUS: Spike- The National-Liberal“So, Spike, what about you? What do you think of the elections, and what is your philosophy on politics?” “Well, I’m basically the opposite of Twilight, which makes me a generally rational, mentally stable citizen not prone to bouts of OCD-infused rage. The Marena Carta limited royal powers because ponies wanted a say in how things were run, and so it’s very important to make sure that elections like this happen and that they matter.” “Interesting. You mentioned the Princesses’ Power?” “Well, I mean, I think we should be ruled by a bunch of elected ponies. Like…imagine a town council, but bigger and with ponies from all over Equestria, so everypony can have a say in how we build the country. Maybe we can even have one pony that’s sorta in charge that everypony elects. It’s radical, I know, but it makes sense, right?” “It’s certainly ambitious. That being said, I am running a little late for my next interview. Any last thoughts?” “Yeah. I’d keep the Princesses around, of course, but that might just be because they all send me bits on Hearth’s Warming. I think the most important thing is, regardless of how we run Equestria, that everypony has the right to freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and freedom of the press…” Spike turned to face the door to the room before he finished speaking. “WHICH MEANS THAT REPORTERS GET TO SAY WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT FEAR OF BEING JAILED!” The tip of a purple muzzle that had snuck its way in between the double doors leading to the library quickly retreated back into the hallway. I eyed the door worriedly, and Spike turned his attention to me again, sensing my apprehension. “I’ll, uh, I’ll walk you out.” “Th-th-thanks.”
