Death incarnate and a re-spawning idiot have an adventure!

by DovahkiinPony

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random, Crossover, Alternate Universe
Length: 2682

Nathan and Jacob have a magical and totally original adventure in Equestria!

Nathan and Jacob have a magical adventure in Equestria after a (possibly demonic) ritual goes right! Nathan gets the ability to respawn (totally not op) and switch between himself and any of the 9 mercenaries from Team Fortress 2! Jacob gets sent to Equestria as his (totally original and not at all edgy) OC, death's long lost son! Will their adventure drive them and me insane? Will I find a way to keep this interesting? Probably not, but lets see where this goes!

I disliked my own story and I can't undo it please send help.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-21 03:50:01 UTC

The madness/bad writing begins!

It was a normal summer day for Nathan, playing his favorite game TF2 with his best friend Jacob while both of them screamed at each other through Skype.

Speaking of which, Nathan had just been killed by a spy and his sentry was being sapped.

"Jacob kill the spy and break the sapper! Quick before he gets the intel you fuck!" Nathan yelled out. Jacob playing as pyro with a homewrecker equipped was more than ready for the spy. As he closed in on the spy, chasing him down the spiral stair case that lead to the intelligence they had to protect he screamed at the spy .

"Eat phlogistinator, bitch!" He yelled setting the spy on fire and eventually disintegrating him with the weapon no one, especially not a spy wants to fight in an enclosed area.

Before he could gloat about killing the spy anymore the sentry he was supposed to save blew up, the sapper having drained all its energy.

"You had one job" Nathan said slowly. "One. Job."

Jacob retorted with "You can just build another one, it's no big deal!" But, before he could say another word they heard a loud voice say "The enemy has taken our intelligence! "..." "..." Nathan switched to pyro as he re-spawned heading out of the re-spawn room and to the right going towards the long stairway.

"You go down the spiral I'll go down the long way, the spy must have used the dead ringer!" Nathan said heading down ready to face the spy, but before he could get there he saw something amazing.

A spray of filly rainbow dash.

"Jacob get the fuck over here, this is more important than the intelligence!" He screamed completely forgetting the objective. Jacob, having already killed the spy came over to the main stairwell and looked at what had been deemed more important than the entire point of the game mode they were playing.

As he got near Nathan said "Look at it! It's adorable!" Jacob just looked at him for a moment before walking away to check for anymore enemies trying to take the intel.

"Alright, that was adorable, but you could just google pictures of rainbow dash at any time!"

"Yeah, but it's not often you see brightly colored, adorable ponies in a fast action first person shooter!".

"Fair enough, but that was not more important than the intel.".

"The game is 1 to 2 even if he capped it he would have just evened out the score! Besides if I know scout and soldier mains they'll have the intel in about three seconds." After three seconds passed Jacob was about to say something, but was cut off by "We have taken the enemy intelligence. "Told you. Now go help them get back here in one piece!"

"I'm on my way bitches!" Jacob yelled holding down w and mouse 1 like a true pro.

We have captured the enemy intelligence! You win! "Yay we win!" Nathan says taunting after having killed the spy who destroyed his sentry not long ago. "Jacob I have the perfect way to celebrate winning for the first time in ten minutes!"

"How?" He asked curiously.

Nathans smile grew wider as he responded. "With a possibly satanic ritual I found on the deep web wiki!"

"Yeah- Wait what?"

"So I was on the deep web wiki yesterday seeing if anything has changed, I found a forum of satanists and scrolled down until I found a ritual that does a thing!"

"What's the thing and how do we do it?" He asked wondering if he needed any body bags.

"It does multiverse portal things, and all we have to do is summon a demon and use it's blood to make a weird circle thing! Of course we're going to cheat and use a crucifix to burn his face off, but hey other than that, easy!"

Later that day Jacob came over to Nathans house so they could perform this "ritual".

"I don't believe it." Jacob said flatly. "There is no way this is going to work." Nathan just briefly looked up at him before going back to carving out the symbols in the wood floor for the blood to flow into.

"Eh, it probably won't, but it'll be fun! Are you ready?" Jacob held up his cross. "Alright! Here we go! dןoʇɔouʌǝuıǝuʇpǝɯouıɔsdǝɔɥʇɥɐʇsɹǝɐןןʎɾnsʇʇɥısʍɹıʇʇǝuqɐɔʞʍɐɹpsʍıʇɥuosdɐɔǝsʎɐʎqnʇıɯƃǝʇʇıuƃqoɹǝpoɟʇɥıssoıɯpouǝʍɹıʇıuƃqnʇןǝʇɯǝʇnɹuıʇndsıpǝpoʍuɟıɹsʇ"

After that speech that took way too long to memorize they just sat there. And waited for something to happen.

"Well I guess you were right, nothings happening-" Before he could finish that sentence a bright flash blinded them both! When they looked back a red, boney, disturbing looking creature stood there staring at them.

"Finally" it said, it's voice deep and demented. "A mortal has taken my challenge! Prepare yourself for the worst pain you shall ever feel!"

"..."

"Jacob use the cross!" Jacob held the cross up to the demon the mere presence of the object burning the creatures skin to a boil.

"Ah! A cursed crucifix! You damn mortals! You shall pay dearly!" Before he could finish his threat the cross was moved up to his face burning his flesh and causing the demon to back up and take a swing at Nathan, before he could hit him he pulled out a cross of his own holding it out forcing the creature to stumble back towards Jacob who holding his crucifix like a knife stabbed it into the demons head, his flesh burning and melting away from contact with the cross. The creature let out one last blood curdling screech before falling limp next to the circle, at Jacobs feet.

"Well that was over dramatic, horrifying, traumatizing, and shocking." Nathan said wide eyed staring at the smoking corpse.

"What just happened? Why did that just happen? How did that just happen?!" Jacob yelled confused and traumatized by what just happened.

"I'm not sure, but should we finish the circle thing and do the portal thing? If this works like the demon summoning thing worked we may never come back here. I don't really care the world is fucked in like fifty years when the oil has about run dry anyways, but think about what we're doing." Jacob quickly recovering from what he just did thought for a full minute and a half before responding simply with

"Do it. I don't care about this world or what happens to it so lets just do it." He said, his mind made up. "Alright. Melt his arm off with the cross so we can get his blood in the circle."

"Why can't you? I already killed the fucker!" Jacob yelled not wanting to get near the thing ever again.

"Fine I'll do it! You fucking bitch."

"I just killed a demon by burning his face off, don't call me a bitch for not wanting to get near it!"

"Ok calm down, jeez I'm getting the blood!" Kneeling down next to the sizzling corpse he put his cross to its arm, the cross cutting through like a hot knife through butter. The blood flowed into the circle filling it completely. For a minute nothing happened. Then there was another bright flash. This time there was no demon standing there. Instead there was a circular portal in the ground, looking through it they could see what could only be identified as Equestria.

"It worked. It actually worked! Jacob are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Nathan asked his silent friend who stood there eyes widened as he looked down at magic horse land.

"Yes, I see it. We actually made a portal to Equestria!" He said, hid mood brightening quickly.

"And we just completed a demonic ritual. Not sure which of these two things are more impressive. Completing a ritual and melting a demons face off, or creating an interdimensional portal to horse land?" He joked with a monotone voice.

"Probably the portal." Jacob responded. "Should we... Go in?" He asked looking over at Nathan who sat on the other side of the portal looking back up at him.

"Yes. Wait, I'm bringing my laptop!" He said grabbing it off the desk by his bed.

"Really? We're going to another universe and the one thing you feel compelled to bring is your laptop?" He asked in his usual unimpressed tone.

"Yep. Your not bringing anything?" "No, I don't have anything I can or want to bring."

"Lets jump in Three." Nathan joined in the countdown. "Two. One!" They both yelled as they jumped in everything going black.

"Ugh... My head..." Nathan muttered trying to stand, but falling back down. He opened his eyes and saw Jacob lying there unconscious, except his hair was black now and his skin was much paler. Looking to the side a bit he saw they were in a clearing in a forest. 'It must be the Everfree forest.' He thought to himself, everything going dark once again. 'How original.' He smiled to himself as he passed out again. His last thoughts before he blanked out 'We made it to magic horse land. Yay...'

Three hours passed and Nathan was starting to wake up again, memories from earlier flooding hid mind and making him sit up and open his eyes to see if it was just a dream. When he opened his eyes he saw that Jacob was still unconscious and they were both in a clearing in the forest. 'So it wasn't a dream. Faaaaaaaantastic. He thought before walking over to Jacob.

"Jacob. Wake up!" He yelled shaking him by his shoulders. Jacob began to open his eyes before looking at Nathan who looked... Different. Looking behind him he saw he was in a forest.

"Why are we in the forest?"

"Demonic ritual, interdimensional portal, magic horse land, any of this ringing a bell or two?"

"Oh right. Holy fuck that wasn't a dream! And... Where are you going?"

Nathan had already began walking in a random direction. "Not sure. You look different by the way. You're pale and your hair is black now."

"Really?"

"Yeah, follow me. I have no idea where I'm going, but I'll find out eventually."

"You look different to actually. You're a good six inches taller and for the first time in your life you actually have muscles!"

"One. Fuck you. Two. Fuck you. And three, yay I have muscles! Also fuck you."

"I was just kidding calm down. But, seriously you're taller and you definitely have more muscle than before."

After a couple minutes of walking they came across a strange pond, the water was reflective like a mirror.

"Ok, avoid the fuck out of that!"

"Why? It's just a pond Nathan, it won't hurt you."

"No, this is definitely the mirror pool. And we are going the complete opposite direction of it!"

"Why the complete opposite direction? Can't we just go around it?"

"I'm not taking any chances with that thing."

With that they turn around and walk the other direction eventually finding themselves in the clearing where they first woke up.

"All right let's keep walking."

Before Jacob could start walking Nathan spotted something in a bush. 'Is that?... ' "Jacob I just found the wrangler from tf2!"

"What? No way!"

"If I can find tf2 weapons... Does that mean I can..." Knowing what he must do Nathan imagined the tf2 class select screen and picked engineer equipping the wrangler. When he opened his eyes he was holding the engineers wrench. He immediately began constructing a dispenser and upgrading it to level three.

"Woah, you can actually be the classes from tf2?"

"Apparently, now watch this." He said with a noticeable Texan accent. After collecting metal from the dispenser he began building a sentry.

"Buildin' a sentry!" He said as he began hitting the sentry with his wrench upgrading it to level two and taking a break by the dispenser to get more metal. After getting the metal he began upgrading the sentry again. After eight swings with his wrench he was out of metal, and now had a level three sentry.

"I built that." He said staring at the sentry. "Now, this is going to be fun!" He took out the wrangler and Jacob immediately knew what he as doing.

"Are you sure sentry jumping is a good idea? We don't know if you can re-spawn."

"I guess were about to find out!" He yelled pulling back on the wranglers joy stick, shooting a rocket from the sentry at his feet and launching him into the air. While in air he looked around and found ponyville in the distance. Then he started falling. When he hit the ground it hurt, but he didn't break anything. Opening his eyes he realized he had a health bar now and it only went down fifty points from the sentry jump.

"Well, would you look at that! Only one more thing to test now!"

"And what's that?"

"The most important thing to find out now, is if I can re-spawn!" He said turning way from the sentry facing the wrangler in front of him, making the sentry aim directly at him. Pulling down the joystick and making the sentry shoot him he stood there for fifteen seconds before he fell over. Dead.

"Well now I need to wait thirty seconds, for him to either re-spawn or stay dead."

Thirty seconds passed and Nathan reappeared out of nowhere in the exact spot he landed in Equestria.

"I guess this is my re-spawn point." He said looking around and at himself to make sure he wasn't missing any limbs.

"Dude, that was dangerous! What if you weren't able to re-spawn!"

"Enough of your "if's"! It's time for adventure! While I was in the air I saw ponyville in the distance! Lets go!" He once again imagined a class selection screen this time picking the scout for his speed and began running towards ponyville, Jacob struggling to keep up. As they were running they heard screaming to their right.

"Oh no! Screaming! Lets run towards it!" Nathan yelled changing course and running towards the screaming. When they got there they found the ruins of a castle. "I know where we are! This must be the castle of the two sisters! If there's people-ponies, whatever here than this must be season one!" Jacob simply nodded as they made their way to the castle.

"You stay here, I'll go see what's happening." He said switching to spy and turning invisible walking into the main entrance he saw Nightmare Moon and the mane six. 'Hmm... Oh, this'll be good.' He decloaked to the side of them all and said in an unmistakable French accent "Pardon me." He then walked up the stairs to the other side tuned a corner and cloaked, becoming completely invisible before walking back the way he came to Jacob who was now watching everything from a window barely containing his laughter as he watched the ponies just stare at each other confused.

"I will deal with that... Creature when I'm through with you!" Nightmare Moon stated, equally as confused as to where he had come from.

"Did you really need to do that, as funny as it was?" Jacob asked quietly worrying they might get caught.

'I'm afraid so." Nathan the spy responded.

"You are the ultimate voice actor now. Say something French!"

"Oh, scout please, go fuck yourself." He said sounding just like the spy.

"Best day ever. Wait, do you still have your taunts?"

Nathan/spy thought for a moment before reaching into his coat, pulling out a stack of money and saying "This is what you're worth." Before throwing it at him.

"Nice. Hey wait, how long will it take for them to defeat Nightmare Moon?" Jacob asked remembering where they are. As he finished his sentence a huge rainbow shot up through the air before arcing back down and hitting Nightmare Moon. As this happened Jacob and Nathan both yelled out "TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHERFUCKERS!" alerting the ponies to their presence.  Nathan looked over to Jacob and asked "How's that for a first impression?"