A Touch of the Contrary

by Iryerris

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex
Length: 3553

Subtle Touch knows his way around many things, but an all-mares bar is a new experience.

Fun. Everypony should have it every once in a while. And Subtle Touch is more than willing to help those in need of some on their way.

But sometimes, it's hard to find, especially when you're as out of place as he is.

Well, if fun won't find you, then you'll just have to find it.

Set in the Quill & Blade universe by Anzel and Crystal Wishes
Cover art by Rossby Waves

Published 2016-08-21 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-21 03:10:01 UTC

The Mare Contraire

Being a lone stallion in an all-mares bar was terribly dull.

Subtle Touch made his way past the dancefloor of the Mare Contraire. The music kept thumping in his chest, and light flashed all around, both tried their hardest to make him move along with the beat. The ponies around him sure did, but whenever their gazes fell on him, something was missing. Where were the smiles? Guess it was to be expected, stallions were a rare—and not as welcomed—presence here, but partying should come with smiles. Life should come with smiles. Imagine living without having fun. Terrible thought, that.

´Course, that doesn’t mean ups and downs don’t happen. Sometimes you trip and pull a muscle, other times you just get stressed from not having fun every once in a while. Subtle had seen ponies that were like that; they came to him to unwind after all. He was happy to help them to relax.

Right now though, he wished somepony would return the favor. It was regrettably doubtful. Only mares eyeing other mares in this place. What’s a stallion gotta do to get some fun here? The bar seemed like as good a place as any. A good drink oughta do it. They probably serve some of those fancy fruity things. Guess he’ll settle for that.

"A lime margarita, please." Subtle Touch ordered with a wave of his hoof, sitting down on one of the barstools. Even here the place was lively, despite there being much less dancing going on.

"Lime margarita, Sunny. Get on it," the mare behind the counter repeated. A pink unicorn with a mature beauty, instead of the youthful perkiness of the other barmares. She wore most of her long, cherry red mane tied back in a floral ornament. The rest gently curled down the sides of her face, like ribbons of a wrapped gift, with the tips reaching her shoulders. She turned towards Subtle, resting her chin on her hooves and flashing a smile. "So, what brings a stallion like you to a bar like mine?"

The owner? Subtle brought a hoof through his fiery red mane, pulling it back. “Can’t a stallion simply enjoy a night out in a bar?” he asked.

“I would be curious why he decided to come to an all-mares bar.” Dolly said.

Subtle straightened his back, and with a pointed hoof said, “I’m simply here to appreciate the culture of Canterlot.”

“In an all-mares bar?”

Hmm. “What if I told you I’m actually a private investigator tailing a pony of interest, and I’m trying to remain unseen?”

“I would still wonder why you’d go to a place where you’d stand out the most, like, say, an all-mares bar.”

"I just really like the music?”

She grinned. "Well, thank you. Though, if the music is that good, I should maybe think about dropping the 'Mare' part of my little bar, and cash in on the stallions coming over."

Subtle shook his head. “Nah, would ruin the nice atmosphere you got here.”

"Uh-huh," the mare said. "And you’re saying the place being full of cute mares adds to the atmosphere?"

Subtle shrugged. "It's the cherry on top." Well, two cherries, really. Round like the rumps of some of the passers-by. He took a look around. Being a bar for mares by mares, it was pretty hard to find somepony to talk to, even for him. Snowy and Autumn—the mares that took him here—were off on the dancefloor, entertaining themselves. They at least fit in. They wanted Subtle to come along dancing with them, but with how much every other mare was avoiding him, he thought it better to let them go ahead without him. Luckily for him, there are more ways than one to be entertained, and a conversation with the proprietress just might do.

"Here you go." The barmare, Sunny—a nice looking one—levitated Subtle’s drink over to him.

Subtle nodded in thanks, though the mare had already turned her back, and started working on the next drink. “Besides,” he continued, returning to the owner, “I would hardly call your place ‘little’, Miss…”

"Just call me Dolly, everypony does."

"Miss Dolly, then.” He put a hoof to his chest. “Subtle Touch," he said, giving his own name.

“Well, Mr. Touch, you still haven’t answered my question.” Dolly pointed a hoof as Subtle took a sip of his drink.

“By my count,” Subtle said. “I’ve answered it three times.”

“Those don’t count.” Dolly shook her head. “A lied answer is not an answer.”

“Ah,” Subtle said, idly moving his drink back on forth on the bar counter, noting how clean it was. Were Canterlot mares so proper that even the partygoers never spilt their drinks? “Perhaps they were simply not the answers you desired.”

Dolly pulled a hoof to her mouth and feigned a shocked expression. “Are you telling me you’re the kind of stallion who would deny a mare something she desires?”

Deny a mare? That’d be wrong, that. No fun. “I wouldn’t dare!” Subtle protested. “It’s part of my job description to make sure all mares leave fully satisfied.” He leaned forward, arm resting on the counter. “But where’s the fun without a little tease?”

“Oh?” Dolly said. “And you know all about having fun then, is it?”

“I know at least two ponies that can attest to that.” Which was true, unless they were in a teasing mood again. “I could give you a demonstration, if you’d like.”

Dolly fluttered her eyes. “I’m intrigued. What do you have in mind?”

No doubt Dolly was just playing with him. After all, the mares here were all from the same one way street; she would likely be no different. But Subtle had time to kill, and he wasn’t about to leave and let himself get bored until his two dancing friends came back to pick him up.

“A friendly wager. I’m sure that you’ve seen others of my kind here, so if you can guess how I came strutting along, I’ll buy you a drink. If not, you buy me one.” He tapped his hoof on his chin. “I’ll give you four guesses.”

Dolly tilted her head. "Four? Don't bets like this usually come with three?"

Subtle shrugged. "I tend to be a generous stallion.” Then he winked. “Mares like that."

“You’re gonna regret that,” Dolly started, “but, all right. You’re on. Let’s see.” She looked away all thoughtful like. Then, her ears perked up. “You got stood up by your date.”

C’mon now, surely she saw the problem with that. “Do you really think,” Subtle said, “that I would take a date to the one place where mares more often leave with dates than come in with one? I think I’d deserve to be stood up in that case.” He chuckled, resting his chin on his hoof. “Besides, you’re assuming I could get a date to begin with.”

“What’s that?” Dolly said. “Mr. Generous has trouble getting dates?”

“Oh you have no idea.” Subtle slumped, covering his head with his hooves. Just an act, but you had to put effort into it. “So many mares I talk to are taken by other mares. What's a stallion gotta do to get a date?”

“Clearly, be a mare. Have you seen us? We’re hot.”

“I know!” Subtle grumbled. He dropped his hooves on the counter, and looked up with a pout. “Can’t you spare a couple of you for us poor stallions?”

Dolly waved her hoof. “Nope, keeping a firm grip on our mares.”

Bah. Stingy mare. Well, fine. Subtle was content with two mares as friends. Though, he wondered what that actually meant. They were friendly enough with him, sure, but it seemed like they mostly just had eyes for each other. So… where did he fit in?

No, no. Too much worrying. Subtle glanced around, then took notice of a particular poster hung up on the space between the shelves with drinks. Didn’t he just see that mare?

“How’d your barmare end up on a poster in socks?” He asked.

“Huh?” Dolly turned around and saw the poster Subtle was looking at. “Ah. She was part of a charity drive calendar for the Royal Guard.”

Subtle raised an eyebrow. “The Royal Guard puts their mares in socks for charity?” Was that the kind of image they wanted ponies to have of them?

“Well, it was a, uh…” Dolly paused, searching for the right word, “special unit of the royal guard.”

“I see.” Subtle said, taking another sip.

“They called it the C.O.C.”

The what! Subtle sputtered, spraying the sip of his drink on his hoof that rested on the counter. He swallowed whatever was left and took a breath, turning back to Dolly. “Seriously?” He then noticed that his hoof was wet. “Oh, bugger.”

Dolly handed Subtle a napkin—which he gratefully accepted—trying to keep down her laughter. Blasted mare, Subtle thought. She was waiting for that. Fine, fine. She played that well, he’ll admit to that. Terrible waste of a drink, though.

“Ok, ok.” Dolly continued, still grinning. “Now that I know how dirty your mind is, I’ll have a second guess.

“You’ve seen all the mares being taken away in front of your eyes, and in your last act of desperation, your final hope, you’re trying your luck here, where there are mares a-plenty.” She finished the sentence by throwing her hooves wide, as if presenting the next greatest thing in Equestria.

Subtle blinked. “Now you’re making me sound creepy,” he said with a pointed hoof, then asked, “does that actually happen?”

“You’d be surprised,” Dolly said. “I’ve seen my share of downtrodden stallions around here.”
Sometimes they just need a little alcohol and mare’s touch to get them back up on their hooves.”

“Y’see,” Subtle said, “it’s the opposite for me; mares come to me for my touch.”

Dolly frowned at him. “Why is that?”

“It’s my job, actually. I touch ponies for money.”

Dolly blinked. “You’re joking… You are joking, right?”

He wasn’t, but letting Dolly know would ruin the fun. Call it payback for making him spit his drink over his hoof. Yeah, that seemed fair. Subtle shrugged with a grin. “Maybe. Depends on what you’re thinking.”

“Something I thought would ruin your innocence.” Dolly groaned. “Though now, I’m not sure you have any left.”

“And with that knowledge, perhaps your next guess will be better.”

Dolly took a moment to ponder. “You're really just a shameless pony that comes here to look at pretty mares with pretty flanks all night, she said, then added, “you’re addicted to rumps!”

And here he was expecting so much worse. "Well, I’m quite… attached to mine, if that’s what you mean.”

Dolly shot him a flat stare.

“Though,” Subtle continued, “as shameless as that may be, I doubt I would be the only one here looking at pretty mare flanks. Just too bad the prettiest ones are hidden away behind a counter." He winked.

“Mr. Touch!” Dolly exclaimed. “Are you hitting on me? I’m old enough to be your mother, you know. Imagine hitting on your mother.”

Subtle’s ears stiffened, and he could feel them heat up. No, no. Abort. Abort! He took a large swig of his drink, banishing the image from his head. Setting his drink down again, he turned his sight back on to his mother, Lotus Bloom, on the other side of the bar, fluttering her eyes and—

No! He slammed his head on the counter. Why! Subtle asked himself. Why would you imagine that! Oh, Celestia, please let it be gone now.

Rubbing his forehead with a hoof, he peeked up at Dolly, who’d found a seat so she could hold her sides as she laughed incessantly.

This might be worse than the image of before.

“Oh—I—I—” Dolly wheezed. It seemed she enjoyed the suffering of others as much as she had trouble breathing at the moment. “I sincerely hope,” she took a breath, “that you just imagined me as your mother, because that is what your face told me.”

Definitely worse. He’d wipe that grin off Lotu—Dolly’s face. Blasted mare. Bringing in parents was cheating. All they did was make things awkward. Subtle had to get back at her somehow.

Subtle heaved a sigh. “This is torture.”

Dolly was still giggling. “If you think this is torture, then you haven’t seen anything yet.”

“You make it sound like you know what torture is.”

“I might.”

Subtle frowned, leaving his jaw hanging.

“And what is the little colt imagining now?”

Subtle shook his head. C’mon brain, no more slacking. “Something I thought would ruin your innocence,” he said. “But now I’m sure you don’t have any left.

Dolly giggled. For now.

Subtle took another swig, letting the alcohol burn in his in stomach. Hopefully it would dull out his over imaginative brain. The traitor.

"Heya, Doll," a voice said from behind Subtle. "Is this dunce bothering ya?"

Two mares approached the bar and seated themselves on the two empty stools next to Subtle. “Did the colt lose his way?” the other mare said. “You know this place is called the Mare Contraire, right?”

“Stallions are welcome here,” Dolly interjected, “as long as they play by the rules, just like everypony else.”

The second mare scoffed. “C’mon, Dolly, when are you ever going to change that? Stallions don’t belong here.”

“Oh don’t worry, Dazzle,” the first mare said. She edged close to Subtle and stroked his chin. “Just look at his little darling face. I’d almost think he’s a mare.”

Subtle smelled the air. A strong smell, but no alcohol. He glanced at Dolly, raising an eyebrow. She gave him small shrug and a wave of her hoof. Fair game then.

He turned his attention to the first mare, and put on a sly smile. “Oh, please,” he said, “you flatter me. But that’s just my incredible youth. I can see how it’s an easy mistake to make, with how you’re hiding the lack of yours under layers of powder.”

The mares both sneered at him.

“Shame about your perfume though,” Subtle continued before they could respond. “Lemon does sour the mood considerably.”

The first mare turned up her nose. “Are you sure you’re not smelling yourself?”

Did he smell? If he did it was probably amazing. “The only smell of mine is the masculine smell of adventure.” That really just sounded like a slogan for an advert of some sort.

“Well then why don’t you go adventure over to that corner.” She waved to the distance.

“Oh, I’ve already explored every corner of this place.” Subtle said, shrugging.

The mare gave him a flat stare. “Is that so?”

“Yeah,” Subtle said. “There’s ninety-six. I counted them all.”

The second mare—Dazzle, was it?—scoffed. “Well, aren’t you funny. Take a hint, buzz off, and do everypony a favor, and keep that tongue inside your mouth.”

Subtle stared down at his muzzle, wriggling his mouth. He then looked back towards the mare with a wide-eyed expression, and asked, “but what if I want to lick things? What should I do then?”

“Gross!” Dazzle pulled the first mare away. “Stay away from him, Swift, he might touch you and get his gross spit on you.”

Subtle smirked at that. “Nah, I only touch mares that pay me.”

Both of the mares’ eyes went wide enough that they could’ve popped. “You’re disgusting, stay away from us!” Dazzle said before they both turned tail and disappeared into the crowd.

For a while, Subtle sat, gaze lingering in the direction the mares had gone. Was that too much? They’d survive a little scare, right? Yeah, they’d be fine. Besides, they shouldn’t have tried to ruin his fun. You spread smiles, not steal them. That’d be just plain rude.

“Normally,” Dolly said, breaking absence of conversation, “I would insult you on your poor pick up lines, but I think it had the intended effect in this case.”

“Hopefully I didn’t lose you two customers,” Subtle said. “I may have gone a bit too far.”

Dolly waved a hoof. “Nothing to worry yourself over. I don’t want mares that are only up to trouble in here anyway. All I want is for ponies to have a good time here.”

Nice thought that was. "Ok then," Subtle said, resting one hoof on the bar counter and leaning in, "last guess, Miss Dolly. My generosity is usually well appreciated."

Dolly leaned in as well. "Don't worry, Mr. Touch. I know full well how to appreciate a generous stallion such as yourself." She then waved over to the dancefloor behind Subtle. "You're the escort of those fillies over there, the white one and the green one. Isn’t that right?"

Wait... Subtle turned towards where Dolly pointed. Sure enough, somewhere in the sea of ponies using rings of light as clothing, he spotted Snowy and Autumn dancing. How did she—

He eyed Dolly again, a knowing smile of victory plastered on her face.

“You knew from the beginning,” Subtle said. “Hah, you saw us walk in, didn't you?”

Dolly winked. “No face comes in here unnoticed. Sorry, kiddo, but I knew your hand before you even played the game. That's how Dolly Dice plays.”

Subtle sighed in defeat, though kept his smile. He lost the bet, but, for the fun it was, it was worth it. "Your win, Miss Dolly. A drink it is."

“So it is.” Dolly laughed. “Chin up, colt. You were a good sport. You can relax your ears now, though.”

What? Subtle pulled his hoofs to his ears. They were tense. Had they really been standing upright this entire time? How long had it been since Dolly had joked about his mother? He took a breath, then exhaled, relaxing his ears.

“There you go,” Dolly said. “Easy way to tell if a pony is nervous is by looking at their ears.” She inclined her head, looking past Subtle toward the crowd. “I think you've got a pair of mares to pay attention to now.”

Huh? Subtle cocked his head and started turning around. He only managed to turn his head halfway before something collided with his back. "C'mon, Subtle," Snowy Haze's voice chimed from behind as she hugged him tight. “You’re coming with us.”

Subtle pushed himself up from the bar counter. "Am I being abducted now?" he asked.

Snowy usually was rather friendly to begin with, but jumping on his back was new. The alcohol from before must be getting to her a bit. He’ll have to take care with that. Make sure he stays sober enough so he can take her home safely.

"Rightfully reclaimed," Autumn Breeze corrected. She gave Dolly a polite nod. "Thank you for looking after our friend, but he's ours, so we’d like him back."

Dolly waved a hoof. "Oh, all right, fine. Do bring him back sometime though, he owes me a drink."

Snowy's weight shifted forward on Subtle's back. "No!" she said, pointing a hoof at Dolly. "He's ours. Can't have him." She settled again, and rubbed her head against the back of Subtle's neck.

“Owes you a drink?” Autumn questioned. “Subtle, what did you get yourself into?”

Snowy caught on and gasped. “Don’t tell me you were cheating on us!”

Bad, bad, bad. “Just a little friendly wager, is all.”

Autumn kept glaring at Subtle while Snowy was trying to kick him, though she didn’t seem to be able to find the right angle. Thank Celestia for that.

“Uh, oh.” Dolly laughed. “Looks like you got yourself in a tight spot there, kiddo.”

“Yeah,” Subtle said, trying to stay balanced with a certain white pegasus on his back as he moved off the barstool. “Luckily I know my way around those.”

Dolly sputtered a laugh. She seemed all right with him being taken away, though he hated leaving that debt unsettled. Best to resolve things like those as soon as possible. Unfortunately, that would have to come later, seeing as how Snowy was tugging at his neck, trying to steer him in whatever direction she saw fit. She hadn’t decided which direction yet.

“That drink,” Subtle said. “Put it on my tab.”

Dolly smirked back at him. “Done. I trust I’ll see again soon then, Mr. Touch?”

"Consider yourself lucky, Miss Dolly. Usually that's my line."

"Is it? I assume it’s related to this job of yours. Will you actually ever tell me what it is."

Right. He didn’t tell her. Should he? The joke had probably run its course anyway. "I'm a masseur at Soothing Hooves,” he said. “Well, apprentice, really. But I apparently have regulars already." He nudged his head towards Snowy, still sitting on his back pointing ways for Subtle to go. “Mainly this one.”

Dolly's eyes widened slightly as she drew a hoof to her mouth. "Wait, you mean… Earlier when you said… Oooooh…”

Was it that much of a surprise? Wait, she didn't seriously think...

“A good evening to you, proprietress.” Subtle said, walking off with a smile.

Life should come with smiles, after all.

Author's Note

In which the idea of an interaction between two characters turned into a practice for dialogue mechanics with humor.

Also, I suck at descriptions.

Inspired by Sunny's Days by Anzel
and The Origins of a Pegasus by Snowliasion