“Alright!” Twilight shouted to cut through the growing cacophony of her friends. Her five closest friends were gathered around her, each one seated at their respective crystal thrones surrounding the map of Equestria. It had been such a long time since she had the pleasure of looking at her friends with such anger and frustration. “Do any of you know why I've gathered you here today?”
As soon as she had finished speaking, Rainbow Dash blurted out, “Because you want my autograph!”
Twilight glared at her friend, who was slovenly lounged out on her chair. “Why would I—”
“Because you have a friend who wants my autograph!” Rainbow Dash grinned.
Twilight squinted. “No….”
Despite all rebuffs, Rainbow Dash pushed the signed stationery towards Twilight, which was promptly ignored.
“Oooh, oooh, oooh! Because you are wondering about the strange, yet delicious, sentient cake-like creature that has been lurking around Ponyville in the night.” This time it was Pinkie Pie, who had gone from flailing erratically to latching her hooves over the table as she shifted her eyes from side to side.
The gears in Twilight’s head screeched to an almost audible halt. “Uh...That's not what I was going for, but I'm probably going to want to know about that, too.” Twilight grimaced.
“Isn't it obvious?" Rarity said with her head held high. "Celestia needs us to save Equestria, again. Isn't that right, Twilight?”
“Actually, not today, believe it or not.” Twilight could see the wave of disappointment wash over Rainbow Dash as she said the words. “For once, we don't have to do anything to save Equestria.”
“Nonsense!” Rarity's eyes flashed with a glint of repressed madness. “The Canterlot fashion elite have lost their minds! This season's fashion is threat to everypony, and it needs to be stopped.”
“No. We are not the fashion police. That is not a national crisis.”
“Yes, it is, and I will do whatever it takes even if it means embracing those gaudy rainbow designs with the giant hair. I will fight fire with fire if that is what it takes!”
“Dang it, how is it that Pinkie's crazy answer is the closest answer so far?” Twilight asked, sinking down to the table. Pinkie wriggled in vigorous celebration, having broken out a celebratory cookie.
“Oh!” Rainbow Dash’s hooves jumped into the air. “I take my guess back! I got this. She’s gonna lecture us!”
“She is, isn’t she? I don’t even know what we did, but whatever it was, it is NEVER gonna be the same again,” Pinkie said cupping her head between her hooves.
“We already know she is going to lecture us--” Applejack stumbled as she saw Twilight staring at her, deadpan. “...Which is perfectly acceptable…”
“Yes. I am going to lecture you. Do you know why?"
Applejack pulled her hat down over her eyes. “Is it because we have a friendship problem?”
Twilight clapped her hooves together with excitement. For a moment, a smile stretched across her face. “Yes. Yes we do.” Twilight then glowered.
Fluttershy leaned in. “That's what I was trying to s--”
“Listen up.” Twilight floated a pair of half moon spectacles over the bridge of her nose. “The castle found itself on prime real estate. It used to be private property, which means I had to pay a lot to own the land my new home is occupying. I've also been charged with damaging the property values of the other houses in the area by obstructing the view of Canterlot Castle and the rest of the Equestrian scenery. I've had to pay to install plumbing and utilities, which have been expensive due to the lack of any sort of infrastructure designed to accommodate this place. My rates are also higher due to regulations on building sizes in Ponyville, and don’t even start me on the insurance rates for a crystal house in Ponyville.” Twilight sighed. “So I have a question for all of you...”
The other elements of harmony looked back at Twilight with sparkling innocence.
“Who pays the bills around here?” Twilight asked in a pedantic teacher voice.
After much bustle and conference, one by one they started to point at Twilight until it was clear to be a unanimous consensus.
“Gooood~” Twilight hummed, laying it on thick. “And can any of you tell me what day tomorrow is?”
“Tuesday?” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
“Is it your birthday?” Fluttershy gasped. Instinctively, her eyes darted to Pinkie.
“Uh, no. It is 136 days until her birthday. Duh,” Pinkie said, attracting weird looks. “Do you not keep track of this?”
“...Argh,” Applejack groaned. “It’s tax day isn’t it?”
“We have a winner.” Twilight said, clapping her hooves against the table with a macabre enthusiasm.
“Consarnit.”
“Why is it that every single one of you, except for Fluttershy, essentially have been living here... yet none of you pay rent?”
“Oh, well I just didn’t want to im-”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Fluttershy. You don’t get to run from this! I’m not done with you.”
“...Okay.”
“Well then! Who wants to be the first to tell me why you’re all living here?” Twilight asked, looking from side to side.
“Oooh! Pick me! Pick me!” Pinkie waved her hoof around with furious enthusiasm.
Twilight looked around. “Anypony else?”
The lone pink mare continued to flail relentlessly as if she would die if she ever stopped.
“Okay, Pinkie Pie. Let’s talk about how your pet has grown eight times its size and has taken over my bathroom. Every time I go to take a shower, I fear for my life.”
“Aw, he doesn’t mean to hurt anypony. He’s a big softy. He just likes being in the shower because it helps him think.”
“Is there only one bathroom in the entire castle?” Applejack asked.
“There are several bathrooms, but wherever I go, he is always there!” Twilight’s muzzle scrunched tight. “And he is using up all of the hot water!” Twilight clicked her tongue. “When ponies can’t get showers, ponies die.” Twilight turned her head. “You hear that, Rainbow Dash?”
“Huh-what?” Rainbow muttered as she popped her head up and rubbed her eyes. “Uh, yeah. I agree. Totes…”
“I second this notion!” Rarity chimed in.
Twilight grit her teeth. “When you shower with crocodiles--”
“Alligators.”
“Fluttershy, hush! When you shower with alligators, ponies die. Do you see the catch-22, Pinkie?”
“I think you believe what you want to believe, Twilight.”
“Don’t you have a home back at Sugarcube Corner? If you want to stay here, either you or the alligator need to pay rent.”
“Funny you should mention that...” Pinkie said, scratching the back of her head with a hoof. “The Cakes recently told me that I needed to look for a new place to stay... something about 'not being a good influence for their children' and concerns that I’ve managed to take baking to places ponies were never meant to go.”
Twilight balked. “Is that what the cake thing is about? Did you make some kind of cake demon?”
“I believe it prefers the labels of homunculus or golem,” Pinkie said as her eyes traveled around the room.
“Yeah, Twilight, that’s kind of rude,” Fluttershy snapped in.
“If it starts causing problems, Celestia help me, I will lecture you so hard,” Twilight growled. She then levitated a stack of papers in front of her, sifting through the notes she had collected.
“Anyway, I’ve got nowhere else to go, Twilight. You gotta let me stay.” Pinkie’s eyes swelled up large.
Twilight could feel the judgement fall over her. She tapped the edges of her papers into line on the table. “First off, Pinkie, stop trying to bribe me with pancakes under the table….”
The room became painfully quiet, save for the scraping sound of the plate as Pinkie pulled back her leg. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Anypony want pancakes?”
Without a moment of hesitation, Applejack and Rainbow Dash jumped their hooves to the table. The two looked each other.
“Splits-ies?”
“Like Granny Smith at the rodeo!”
They cheered as the two clapped their hooves high and low before indulging themselves in the stack of pancakes.
Twilight sighed. “Focus, please!” She jolted her wings out just to grab their attention. “Don’t you have another home to go back to? Like your real home?”
Pinkie twitched. She piped, but all that came out were strange noises. After four seconds of steaming and spilling sounds, she took a deep breath. “Please don’t send me back there! They are with rocks as Applejack’s family is to apples!”
“Hold up, Conestoga…” Applejack jutted in as she lifted herself free of her stack of pancakes. “I don’t like the shape’r color of the hummings you are trying to implicate.”
“Applejack...never change,” Rainbow Dash muttered as she stifled her laughter into her plate.
Pinkie jumped forward to the table. “My family is fun retardant.” Pinkie stepped up, all four hooves, onto the table. “I’ve tried--”
“Pinkie! Table!" Rarity shouted. "At least pretend you have manners!” Rarity’s mane was fritzing.
Pinkie stepped down. “I’ve tried so many times, but they are like a duck!”
It came like lightning. An alien word, "Duck," had found its way into the conversation. None of them knew how it got there, but it could not be ignored. In the time where everypony was stunned in logical whiplash, Pinkie jumped back onto the table.
“I’ve tried showering them with fun, but it keeps repelling off their backs like the mallardly, water-resistant feathers of a duck.” Pinkie stepped over kingdoms and homes on the cutie map as she shuffled over towards Twilight. “My family is a bunch of ducks, and they don’t like fun!”
Twilight just stared at Pinkie for a good, three seconds. After a system's reboot, Twilight shook her head and turned back to Pinkie. “I love you, Pinkie, but this place is expensive, and I really need that bathroom. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that that is probably going to be one of the best reason out of any of you…” Twilight took a moment to draw her eyes across her friends at the table, even leaning around Pinkie to make sure everypony saw. “...for why you are here, but I really need you to pay rent.”
“Can I not?”
“Dang it, Pinkie! Give me a reason!”
“Because we’re friends!”
“Friendship doesn’t pay the bills!”
“Be my abundance, Twilight!”
“Tell me why I should and I’ll think about it.”
“Because you believe in kindness and sincerity!”
“I am sincerely going to throttle you unless you tell me why this is a good idea.”
“Well, for one thing, we are business partners.”
“Wait-- what?!” Twilight’s face contorted at the blasphemy.
Pinkie smirked before flipping a card out from her hair.
Twilight’s jaws flexed into strange shapes as she read the card.
Princess Sparkle and Dr. Pie: Friendship Specialists: Counseling, cupcakes, re-friend-ification, and lectures. Got a problem? We’ll befriend it.
Twilight’s wings twitched spasmodically. She huffed as she impulsively tried to flip the crystal cutie map in confused anger. Failing miserably, she stormed off out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
The room was silent. Fluttershy looked around, sheepishly. “Should we….”
Suddenly, the doors crashed open! Ferociously driven, Twilight stormed back in, brandishing a mug of coffee in her telekinetic grip. She stomped a hoof on the table and stared down into Pinkie's eyes. “What!?”
“I help you sort through all the letters you get as the Princess of Friendship from all over Equestria, and sometimes I handle in-house friendship problems.”
Twilight furiously drank from her coffee mug. “So you’re the reason ponies stopped coming to me for friendship problems....”
Pinkie smiled. “Oh, I just do it so you can focus on the more important things.”
“I’m the Princess of Friendship! That’s all I do!” Twilight thundered. “And what is with these weird qualifications? Dr. Pinkie Pie? Doctor of what?”
Pinkie pie bounced off of the table, scurrying off to one of the cabinets. She pulled something from behind it and ran back to Twilight. “Pinkie Pie, PhD. in Friendship.”
Twilight ran her eyes over the document, taking a sip from her mug.
Grand Celestial Harmony Academy
Pinkie Pie
Doctor of Philosophy in Friendship-ology
Signature of Verification
Dean: Twilight Sparkle President: Celestia
Twilight looked up from the paper, repressing her vehement rage, only to see the smug Pinkie Pie grinning back at her.
“Master's in Partying.”
“What kind of discipline is Friendship-ol-Argh-- Did you forge my signature?!” Twilight barked as the mug cracked in her magic grip.
“It’s pretty good, isn’t it?”
“GAH! Pinkie! How could you forge my-- Friendship-ology isn’t even a-- Who in the--How is this notorized?!”
“I think I am going to take that as a ‘good, but could be improved upon.’”
“Pinkie, don’t do that! No forging! You could get in serious trouble!” Twilight said.
“Well, if you didn’t want me to, maybe you shouldn’t have such a forge-able signature.” Pinkie shrugged.
“I do not have a forge-able signature!” Twilight said, her hooves recoiling back.
Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Twilight, you are a perfectionist. Your signature follows the dotted line foals practice with when learning cursive.”
Twilight blushed. “... Just because I write it neatly doesn’t mean that it is easy to forge or anything,” she said as she shook her head.
Pinkie raised a hoof. “Hey, everypony what do you think? Is Twilight’s signature forge-able or not?”
“Ch’yeah it is!”
“Regrettably yes... and Pinkie! Tables are for plates, hooves are for floors!”
“Do ye reckon that the sky is blue?”
“It’s okay, Twilight. I think you have a nice signature….”
Twilight buried herself in her hooves. “Fine. I get it.” She looked back to the paper as the hair bristled all over her body. Twilight began to grumble to herself. “My goodness, how much of this did you do in crayon and how did you manage to make crayons look so formal? And why are there cupcake stains? These are supposed to be professional qualifications, even if it is fake you could at least… Ack! D-d-d-did you forge Celestia’s signature too?! Pinkie! That is practically treason! Don’t let anypony see this!”
Pinkie laughed as she waved a hoof at Twilight. “Psshaw! I didn’t do that. She signed it herself. She thought it was hilarious and figured I might as well have the degree anyway.”
Twilight groaned. This was exactly the type of thing Celestia would do. “You know what? I’m done.” Twilight dropped her papers down to the table and walked out of the hall.
“Twilight?" Pinkie gave a quick, robust frown. "I’m sorry, Twilight!” she called out.
“Aww shoot! Should we check on ‘er?”
“That’s a positive, but I’mma thinking that maybe she needs some time to chill out… then she’ll come back to us,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Wow, Rainbow Dash! That’s surprisingly insightful coming from you. I really don’t give you enough credit. I’m impressed.” Rarity said with a sugary voice.
“Don’t sweat it. We chill.” Rainbow nodded as she reclined back, slipping her hooves along the arms of her throne.
“Hey, look! She’s coming back just like you said!” Pinkie cheered as she walked back around to her chair.
“Y’know, that’s a might sooner than I thought it’d be.” Applejack gave a tense smile.
“PINKIE!” Twilight yelled as she stormed in, covered in cake frosting.
“Yes, Twilight?” Pinkie Pie replied in full smiles.
“That cake... thing is a monster!”
“I know, but that’s what makes it interesting. I’d worry about it, but it’s one part terrifying, two parts delicious, and my stomach is stronger than my amygdala. My theory is that once it becomes self aware, it will definitely try to eat itself,” Pinkie said as she folded her hooves in contemplation.
“That thing is way bigger than I thought it’d be,” Twilight blurted out.
“We’ll yeah! It’s a fourteen layered cake because Pinkemena Diane Pie don’t mess around with no weak ass recipes.”
Rarity's eyes shot curses toward Pinkie. “Pinkie, I am so conflicted right now, because I want to tell you that one of these days you should learn a little elegance and restraint, but I also know that, one day, I plan on getting married. I have very ambitious plans for my cake and I need you to keep pushing the limits,” Rarity said, trying to suppress the giddy expression crawling across her face.
“That cake is seriously dangerous. It is going to eat somepony,” Twilight said trying to catch her breath.
“Or will somepony eat the cake? It is a real mystery,” Pinkie said as she stroked a beard she didn’t have. “Survival of the fittest. Eat or be eaten, that is the life of a cake. It is a cake eat cake world out there. It really is one of the underexplored conflict in literature if you ask me. Pony versus Cake, I mean…”
Applejack kicked back in her throne. “Do I need to cake wrastle?”
"Evolution takes a bajillion years, one generation after the next..." Pinkie mused, unflinching at the words. She pulled a hoof down in front of her face in stupidly dramatic ambiance. "... but I can make a thousand cakes in a day, and they just get better and better. The difference between us and them is that they are an idea. Like a hive mind, tweaking and improving themselves, again and again. They feed off of our love of cake, like some kind of changeling of the stomach. They evolve so quickly..." Pinkie turned out to her friends with gravity. "...they might just be the ultimate life form."
“Dang Pinkie, you take the cake,” Rainbow Dash chimed in.
Twilight stamped her hoof down. “You know what? That is a great idea. Pinkie, you need to take your cake, I don’t care where, or I will send it to Celestia to have it thrown into the sun.”
“Pardon me, Twilight, but you know as well as I do. That cake won’t last two long shakes of lamb’s tail if it’s given to the Princess, and it ain’t gonna be because it got tossed into the sun. I’m just tryin’ ta say that ponies are like cutie marks. Ye can’t change yer nature.” Applejack coined in.
“Either way, I am fine as long as somepony destroys it!” Twilight tried to brush the frosting out of her mane.
“Oh no, Twilight. You can’t do that! You just can’t!” Fluttershy beseeched. “It's just a poor innocent creature.”
“That poor innocent creature is 7 feet tall and tried to eat me!”
“It’s probably just afraid. The poor thing is the only one of its kind. It must be so lonely and afraid. It’s just misunderstood, Twilight. You can’t hurt it,” Fluttershy begged.
“Please tell me Fluttershy is going to talk to the cake.” Rainbow dash prayed with eyes closed like a child making a wish to whatever goddess of awesome watched over her life. “This is going to be the most radical day in my entire life.”
“I am not going to wait around until it starts taking over the town to see whether it’s friendly or not. It is a problem that needs to dealt with.” Twilight flapped her wings, slapping a pile of delicious cake mucus onto the table.
Rarity cringed.
“Every animal has the right to live, Twilight. It's a brand new creature that is trying to make its way in the world. It’s a super endangered species--”
“It’s an invasive species,” Twilight grumbled.
“Every animal is important to the ecosystem!”
“How is a cake important to any ecosystem???”
Pinkie Pie raised her hoof. “Cake is important to my ecosystem! It’s the food chain.”
Twilight glared at Pinkie, trying to find the proper words, but she came up dry.
“Genocide is not the answer, Twilight. If you kill this poor creature, it will go extinct,” Fluttershy warned.
As Twilight groaned, there came the ringing of a small silver bell. A stallion, neatly dressed in white and black, walked in with grace and poise. He had a moustache, tidy and with a magnificent curl to it, that proudly rested upon his face. “Pardon. Forgive me for the wait, mademoiselles. I am here to take your order. What kind of beverage can I get you?” The pony’s accent was thick enough to cut with a knife.
“About time!” Rarity smiled as she combed back her mane with a hoof. “Garcon, Je vous dres un jus de pomme sil vous plait. Sparkling of course.”
“What kinda pretentious, fancy pony Luna-speak is that supposed to be?” Applejack reeled back in unique perturbation. “Can I order something normal or do they not speak that here?”
Rarity gave a strained smile. She turned to the waiter. “She’ll have the jus de pomme. No sparkle.”
“Like hell I’ll have your fancy, rich people water, so help me I will wrastle!” Applejack burst out with eyes to kill and teeth ready to bite the heads off of anypony unfortunate enough to get in her way. “I’ll have an apple cider, if'in' you rich ponies got cider.”
The waiter looked down at his notepad. “Jus de pomme.”
“Coke,” Rainbow Dash said as she sank back into her chair.
“Oh!” Pinkie started jumping up and down. “Milkshake.”
The waiter scribbled away. “What flavor would you like? Would you like the milkshake menu?”
“Nah!” Pinkie waved a hoof at him. “Surprise me.”
The waiter nodded. “An excellent choice.”
“No! No! No! No! No!” Twilight waved her hoof at all of her friends. “Stop it!” She pointed at the waiter. “No pony is getting anything!”
The waiter scoffed at Twilight. “Excuse me, mademoiselle, but if you are going to be rude, then I am going to have to ask you to leave.”
“I live here!” Twilight said as she scrunched her nose as if she was going to use it to crush the poor stallion.
The waiter reeled back in surprise. “Une tragedie.” The waiter shrugged. “C’est la vie.”
As the waiter walked off, Twilight gave everypony the evil eye. She pointed to Rarity. “I know the cafe in the library is your fault, but I am going to get to you later.” Twilight turned her focus back to the center of the table. “I am going to go in order.” Twilight turned to Rainbow Dash. “I know you have a home, why are you staying here.”
“Chill out, Twilight. I just like to hang in Castle Pancake--”
“Did you just call the Castle of Harmony… Castle Pancake?”
“Yeah, I did. It’s either that or Castle Stay-Puff.”
Twilight levitated a chunk of cake frosting and hurled it at Rainbow Dash.
She didn’t even try to dodge. She was too busy laughing. “So what? It’s a nice pad, and it has some great takeoff and landing points for me when I practice. The Wonderbolts wanted to--”
“You are not bringing the Wonderbolts here. One of you is enough.”
Rainbow deflated a little. “Come on. They are really chill. You’ll get along great with them.”
“And then they will never leave, just like everypony else.” Twilight propped her head up on a hoof. Glancing to the side, she snorted out a Twilight Sparkle brand imaginary fire.
“Twi, you are being most heinous right now. What gives? This place is dead most of the time anyway.” Rainbow Dash leaned out over her hoof rests.
“What gives? I'll tell you what gives. To start things off, it would be great if you could stop breaking ALL of the windows!” Twilight shouted as she clapped a hoof against the table. She then sank down, resting her head atop her hooves. “If it were only once, I could manage, but it’s every day! The costs are killing me.”
When Twilight looked back to Rainbow, she was blinking wide eyed.
“Windows?” Rainbow Dash asked in befuddlement. “There are windows?”
Twilight Sparkle sank back into her chair. Her face twitched as a festering anger boiled up within her. There was a cindering smell that poured through the air as Twilight Sparkle teetered on the precipice of literal fiery wrath. “WAITER!” she boomed.
Soon enough, the stallion from before came trotting in. “You called?”
Twilight squinted at the waiter. With venom in her voice she said, “Get me something strong...”
“Je vous adresse mes condoléances. Right away.” The waiter nodded.
The whole room sat in silence until the waiter came back with Twilight’s drink.
Twilight took a swig and reeled back at the taste. “Ack! Ginseng? …hmph. I’ll take it.” The fiery gaze of Sparkle shifted towards the lowly Dash. “Yes, Rainbow. There are windows. All houses have windows. This much should be obvious.”
“I’m sorry Twilight. I did not realize those were a thing.”
Twilight sighed. “You are hopeless.” Twilight shook her head and took another dreg. “Alright, a different point.” Twilight leaned forward. “If you want to be here, you are going to have to follow some rules.”
“I’m game. What kind of rules?” Rainbow Dash asked with a wavering voice.
“It’s actually more like laws.”
“You’re scaring me, Twi.”
“Good.” Twilight smiled. “Do you remember the time Princess Celestia ordered us to deal with a dragon that was polluting the air or else Equestria would face a haze of smog for one hundred years?”
Rainbow laughed. “Oh yeah. I remember that! That was so long ago,” said Rainbow Dash as she fell back in her chair. She rose up and clapped her hooves together. “I kicked him in the face and he knocked the snot out of me. I was scared of dragons for months after that! Oh and Fluttershy talked him under a table and out of Equestria. That was amazing!”
“Good.” Twilight leaned in to face Rainbow directly. She reached out to wrap her hoof around her friend's. “Rainbow Dash.”
“Yes, your majesty?”
“I’m sorry I have to say this, but you are that dragon.”
“Awesome.”
“That’s a bad thing, Rainbow Dash.”
“How is that a bad thing? I’m a dragon. Dragons are awesome.” Rainbow grinned as she kicked back.
“You pollute the air, Dash!”
“Are you trying to say that I am mad stank?”
“Yes, Rainbow. You are ‘mad stank.’”
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, those are some serious accusations there.” Rainbow shook her head. She shuffled back in her throne, pushing up and onto the throne's arm.
“You come in here on a regular basis after all your acrobatic bouts--”
“Oh come on, that’s just the smell of glory.” Rainbow waved a hoof and turned away. After she spoke, she took a discreet sniff of her armpit.
“Yes, and you track the smell of your glory all through the castle. It is everywhere, and it sinks into everything. It will eternally smell of glory,” Twilight said in a soft voice.
“Sweet mother of Celestia….” Applejack muttered with wide eyes.
“Nothing could survive that kind of olfactory torture.…” Rarity chimed in.
“You’re blowing things out of proportion. This is seriously harshing me,” Rainbow Dash said. She shifted her eyes side to side, searching for some kind of ally, but unfortunately, all she could see were her friends. “It’s not like I don’t use body spray or anything. I’m really good about that.”
“Yes. Yes, you are,” Twilight growled. “That is the other problem. That body spray is toxic, and you spray it like you were a dragon. There are places I won’t even go anymore in the castle because of the miasma.” Twilight leaned out of her seat toward Dash. She shot a hoof up to the heaven, then drew it down in an arc until it fell on Rainbow Dash. “You may not realize this, but some of us have to live here. As the one who pays the bills, I’d like if at least some of the air in the castle was breathable. The only reason we’ve survived this long is because you keep breaking all the windows! The ventilation is the only thing keeping our canaries alive, and while I love having that fail-safe, it costs me three out of four hooves.”
“Alright, Twi, I get it,” Rainbow said as she looked off and away, trying to escape the looming Twilight. “So what do you want me to do? You’re not going to throw me out are you? I kinda like it here.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I am not afraid to throw you out if I need to. I already had to throw Spike out, which I feel terrible about, but I didn’t have a choice. At one point, he decided in his little dragon head that the castle was his. In an instant, he grew three stories and punched through the ceiling. Do you know how annoying it is to get crystal ceilings repaired? That was awful, but it didn’t stop there. After he grew bigger, he started eating the castle!” Twilight deflated with a sigh. “Still, I don’t want to just throw you out immediately. As for what we are going to do... We are going to need some air-quality regulations,” Twilight said with a smirk as she returned to her throne.
“Whoa, nelly.” Applejack pulled her hat down as she hunkered down under the table.
“Brace for impact!” Pinkie burst out.
“I’ll always remember you, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said with faint tears in her eyes.
Fluttershy just made inaudible squeaking noises.
Rainbow Dash sat back and accepted her fate.
“Rule #1. Whenever you are to enter the castle, you are to immediately report to the showers for decontamination. Do you understand what that means Rainbow Dash? It doesn’t matter whether you just stop by for a moment or if you feel you haven’t done much acrobatics, you are to go to the showers, say ‘hi’ to gummy, take a luffa, and thoroughly cleanse yourself.”
“What?! You want me to shower every single time? You gotta be kidding me!”
“Oh no, Rainbow Dash. I am completely serious. You are gonna get really good at taking short showers. And if you don’t, I will pay Applejack to lasso you and drag you, kicking and screaming, to the showers.”
“Wha-who’s a saying I’m doing what?” Applejack asked as she peeped out from under the table.
Twilight tossed a little flat gemstone at Applejack. “Consider that your badge.”
“Well... this is such an honor,” Applejack said, blushing as she looked over the little gemstone.
“Applejack, you traitor!” Rainbow Dash sneered. “This is seriously uncool, Twilight. You’re busting the shower police on me? You’re killing me, Twi.”
“It’s a sacrifice that needs to happen. Everypony here will thank you. Ponyville will thank you. Equestria will thank you. Be a hero… Take a shower,” Twilight said in complete earnest.
Rainbow Dash huffed. “Fine… are we done here?”
Twilight furrowed her brow. “Oh no… we’re just getting started.”
Rainbow Dash buried her head in her hooves as she collapsed to the table. “Applejack… why is life so cruel?”
“It’s cause you’re rank sometimes, sugar plum. That’s just the way it is.”
Twilight levitated a quill to a long scroll, writing the number two in expertly crafted, highly forge-able cursive. “Stipulation number 2…”
“Gesundheit,” Rainbow and Applejack said in unison.
Twilight sighed. “Rule number 2.” Twilight glanced side to side. “Is that clear enough for everypony? Everypony know the word ‘rule?’”
There was a collective groan.
Twilight gathered her notes. “Rule 2: We seriously have to do something about the aerosols burning a hole in my love and tolerance. I am putting a strict spray can restriction into place for the benefit of everypony. Within any 24 hour period, you may engage in the application of aerosols in bursts not exceeding 1 second per pit within the interior of the Castle of Harmony.”
“One second?!” Rainbow Dash’s pupils nearly disappeared into the whites of her eyes.
“It seems like an apt restriction. I think that it will be quite splendid in solving the air crisis.” Rarity raised her nose, then promptly regretted her decision. Despite this, she giggled to herself.
Twilight snickered a bit as she leaned over to Rarity. The alicorn raised an eyebrow. “The same goes for your hair spray.”
“You heartless tyrant!” Rarity jolted straight up, aghast, with her cannons plastered to the cheeks of her face.
“Deal with it.” There was little mercy in Twilight’s voice.
“But-but-but….” Rainbow pleaded to Twilight with her eyes.
“Get deodorant.”
“The gel makes me chaff!”
“Get the stick.”
Rainbow grumbled.
“My hair has needs, Twilight. What did my resplendent hair ever do to you?” Rarity was tearing up.
“Well, it tried to strangle me on several occasions.” Twilight said.
“Tch, Tch, Tch…” Pinkie shook her head. “Second hoof hairspray is a serious problem. I thought better of you.” Pinkie cheated out towards Fluttershy. “Remember kids. Just say no.”
Fluttershy sank down into her chair. “I’m a year older than you....”
Rarity’s lip started to quiver, her puppy dog face was clearly on the horizon. “But Twilight... I have a business and a reputation to uphold. This is absolutely, without a doubt, vital to my survival. I can’t live without it.”
“Get the gel!”
“You just don’t understand,” Rarity said clenching a hoof to her heart. “My hair needs to look this good.” The tears in Rarity’s eyes began to fall. “I love it.”
Rarity galloped straight out of the room, wailing, but also taking the time to pick up her drink as the waiter was coming back towards the table.
Pinkie raised her hoof as Rarity ran out. “I have a question. Hypothetically, if a pony wanted to use both hairspray and body spray on their pits, is the time cumulative or would they have to split it?”
“Pinkie, why do you even care?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie placed her elbows on the table and formed a bridge that ran from one hoof to the other. “I work in possibilities, Twilight! Because somepony might want to smell good, but also have fashionably styled armpit hair, and it would be terrible if they had to choose,” Pinkie said.
“No, they are not cumulative.” Twilight groaned, rolling her eyes.
“You may not know this, but I don’t think there are too many companies that make styling deodorant, and it is just going to be awkward if a pony has to have one side with unruly, yet fragrant pits while the other side has pits that are both stylish and malodorous.” It made sense to Pinkie Pie. Other ponies often didn’t think things through, but that was why everypony was so lucky to have such a wise and grounded friend like her. She shook her head solemnly. “Those poor fancy rich ponies… they just want to go to the gym.”
Twilight huffed at Pinkie’s efforts. She had a way of standing up for all of her friends, and most importantly, the hypothetical imaginary ones. After all, what pony would stand up for a pony if they didn’t believe in. That was the way Pinkie was, though, so Twilight just accepted it. “Any other questions?” Twilight asked.
“Do eye holes count as pits?”
“No, they don’t,” Twilight answered, rapid fire. As the waiter passed out the drinks to the undeserving ponies, Twilight turned to Fluttershy. “Hey, can you go chase after Rarity? I’m hounding her after Applejack and I don’t want to mess up the order I planned.”
Fluttershy nodded as she gently pulled herself into the air. “Alright, Twilight. I’ll go--”
And then something happened that was never supposed to happen...
“I got this.” Rainbow Dash grinned as she climbed up the post of her throne.
Everypony in the room could feel the seizing heart attack of the world as they heard those words.
“Rainbow Dash, no!”
The last thing they saw before the onslaught of iridescent chaos was Rainbow Dash crouched, primed for take off, as her wings raised up. All they could do was pray.
A thunderous boom ripped through the halls of the castle, sending tremors throughout Ponyville. A second shock wave shook the crystal walls.
When Twilight rose from the aftermath, she looked around to take stock. There were still burning trails of prismatic fire from where rainbow had left. Her papers were still falling out of the air when she rose up. A crack shot through her heart as she made her farewells to organization. Singed edges had no page numbers.
Fluttershy was plastered flat against the far wall. She was lucky to have not been defenestrated through a window that no longer existed.
Applejack’s hair had been blasted clear to the side, semi-permanently suspended in the air. Channeling the earth, she had gritted her teeth, hard, having refused to budge from her throne. She had a hoof planted tightly upon her head. She was statuesque. It seemed as though she had blocked out the rest of the world. It took a few moments for her to register that she and, more importantly, her hat had survived.
The drinks had flown everywhere… everywhere being Twilight’s face. At the very least, Twilight no longer had any remains of cake on her. There was still cake in her wings, but nothing was going to save her from that. It was a good day for Twilight.
Pinkie was as timeless as ever. She smiled, bouncing her head from side as she sipped away from her milkshake. It was as if she had forgotten to experience rainbow-inflicted disaster. She was missing out.
At the center of the table was a poor, trembling pony with a bedraggled mane that had been maimed and mutilated beyond recognition and tossed around in every direction. She had an rictus frown carved into her face.
Even the locations on the cutie map were scattered into theoretically representative apocalyptic chaos.
On her crystal throne, the guilty party grinned to herself. “Mission accomplished.”
Twilight slammed a hoof on the table and pointed out the door. “SHOWER! NOW!”
Rainbow sighed.
Twilight glared at her firmly as she walked the walk of shame. Rainbow did not respond quickly to guilt, so it had to be administered with a heavy hoof. How does a pony scold somepony who is proud to have both a seismic metric and a categorization of hurricane named after her? By the time Rainbow had left the room, Applejack had finished scraping Fluttershy off of the wall.
When Applejack and Fluttershy got back to the table, Rarity made a bolt for the door.
“Applejack! Go!” Twilight ordered.
The lasso lashed out, binding Rarity. In short order, Applejack wrangled Rarity back to her chair, where she was promptly tied down.
“You monsters! You can hurt me, but I cannot and will not forgive you for hurting my hair!” Rarity screamed as she writhed in the loving embrace of 20 yards of rope.
“You’re up next Applejack,” Twilight said as she searched high and low for the remnants of her list.
“Pete’s sake, Twilight, I just did good. Can’t you do Rarity first?”
“I have a checklist, Applejack.” Twilight paused for a moment. She held back a tear. “Had a checklist…” It was gone, but not forgotten, and it was the least she could do to honor an old friend.
“Oh... guess there’s no helping that then.” Applejack took a deep sigh before pulling her hat over her heart. “Apples don’t run from their dues.”
Twilight solemnly nodded. “Thank you, Applejack. Your sense honor has always been something I’ve respected.”
Applejack closed her eyes in resolution only for her eyes to snap back open as her eyes darted back and forth. “Where did Pinkie Pie go?”
Twilight tapped her hoof as she tried to contemplate what just happened there. “Fluttershy, can you go look for Pinkie Pie.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Of course, Twilight.”
“And bring me a hair brush!” Rarity shouted. Without her hair, she was not unlike an animal. When everypony was staring back at her, she calmed herself down. “...please. Hehe, be a dear, would you?”
“Don’t worry Rarity. I won’t let you down,” Fluttershy said, smiling. As always, she was good with animals.
She fluttered off, as Fluttershies do, out of the room, and Twilight and Applejack turned to each other.
“This will be fine. I don’t think your talk will take as long.”
Applejack jiggled her head to the side with a nervous smile, celebrating a Pyrrhic victory. At least it was a swift death.
“Applejack. Why are there trees growing out of Spike’s hole in the roof in the upper chambers?”
Applejack’s heart nearly stopped and her colors seemed to fade. “No, Twilight...” She shook her head like it was sacrilege or insult. “Don’t bring them into this. They didn’t mean to harm nopony.”
Twilight raised both eyebrows. “I can’t fix the roof if there are apple trees growing-- Hold up! First of all, real issues, how did you even get them to grow!? There is no soil! No nutrients! How is any of this possible? I have books on one side of my castle that prove that there can’t possibly be trees growing on the other side of the castle.”
Applejack looked Twilight deep in the eyes with earnest in her heart. “With love, anything is possible.” The emblem emblazoned on Applejack’s throne lit up, resonating with Applejack’s honesty.
“Huh?” Twilight’s jaw dropped a little.
“They’re my babies, Twi, and family can make it through any storm.”
“How does that even work?” Twilight tilted her head to the side. She rolled her eyes, only to catch Pinkie Pie leaning over the table, propping her head up with a hoof. She had appeared as mysteriously as she had left.
“Earth Ponies, am I right?” Pinkie said raising an eyebrow. She sighed and shook her head.
Pinkie found Applejack and Twilight blinking at her dumbfounded, their brains demanding answers to questions their tongues refused to ask.
“What? I had to go to the bathroom.” Pinkie smiled as she pulled the terrifying creature from under the table. It gave a terrible grin. It was a terrible grin because it had no teeth. “I brought Gummy.” The gator had grown significantly larger over the past few months, becoming several feet in length. As everypony else looked on in fear, Pinkie held Gummy tight to her chest, hugging and snuggling it like it was a giant puppy.
“Can we please please please have an intervention. I fear for Pinkie’s health,” Rarity said, trying to rustle free of her bindings. She turned to Pinkie. “And I mean no offense, darling, but I seriously doubt that he is considered a legal pet.”
“Nope, he’s fine. Got all his shots and everything.” Pinkie smiled.
Applejack laughed. “Pot calling the kettle black, Rarity. I’d bet 100 bits easy that Opal will do serious damage way before Gummy ever would.” Applejack’s voice then shifted to a darker tone. A cowpony’s warning. An omen. “That thing is a tiger inside a kitten’s body. It is small and angry, with a taste for blood. Eye’s like hers ain’t have room for mercy. Seriously, listen to yer horse sense. That bull ain’t worth the gore.”
“Opal has a true appreciation for the art of fashion,” Rarity said, blushing as she turned away.
“Oh, by the way, I got this for you,” Pinkie said as she hurled a brush towards Rarity. The teeth of the brush caught themselves directly in her hair.
“Bless you, darling. I no longer care about the matter. Forget it ever happened,” Rarity said, smiling and pleasant. Her face then contorted into a menacing shape as it grinned at Pinkie Pie. “Brush me!”
“Can’t ye brush yourself, being a unicorn an’ all?” Applejack asked.
“I can’t!” Rarity insisted. “My hair is the source of my power!”
Pinkie pie danced over to her. “Okee dokee loki, I guess I’ll have to help you.”
“And brush your own hairs while you’re at it.”
Twilight telekinetically assisted Applejack’s head to turn back to her. “Back on track, Applejack. I need them out. The ceilings leak, and as much as I try to tell the weather patrol not to rain here, they never seem to listen.”
“Ain’t ya got a little bit of mercy in your heart?” Applejack begged. “They’re still children.”
“I have no mercy for trees when they are in my house.” Twilight insisted.
Pinkie Pie looked up and giggled.
“I’ll remind ye that once upon a time you used to live in a tree. How can you just forget your roots like that?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think I can forget my roots. They are hanging above us.”
“Your house was in a tree and that was right and dandy, but when it comes to having a tree in your house, you ain’t willing to pay back the favor. What kind of hospitality is that? Well, Twilight, I thought better of you....”
“Stop being unreasonable, Applejack. They are trees. You have lots of trees,” Twilight said tapping the palm of her left hoof with the back of her right.
“You wouldn’t understand, Twilight. You’re not a parent. I love my trees. All of ‘em. I can’t just pick favorites.”
Mid-conversation, Rainbow Dash crawled across the ground as if she was one with the shadows. Regardless of what her bright, multi-colored hair had to say about that, she snuck up beside Pinkie Pie. “So, What’d I miss?”
“Twi’s mad at Applejack for growing trees through the roof of the castle and Applejack is refusing because she is the mother of all trees or something. It’s been pretty great,” Pinkie whispered as she walked back to Fluttershy’s throne and planted herself in it.
“That is classic Applejack,” Rainbow Dash chuckled.
“Definitely classic Applejack.” Pinkie nodded. “Popcorn?” As Pinkie offered, Gummy’s jaws opened to reveal a boat of popcorn.
Before Rainbow Dash could respond, Applejack called out. “Rainbow… Pinkie… can the two of you help me with a favor?”
“Yeah, sure. What do you need?”
“We need to make a trek on down to Appleloosa. Elliot Branchingsworth, Little Princess, and Hemmingway Macadangdang Jr. need a new place to stay.”
“She named the trees again.…” Dashie muttered to herself trying to suppress her laughter. To Dash, this was the meaning of friendship.
“What do you mean ‘Again’? They all have names!” Applejack retorted.
“All of them?” Twilight asked.
“What in tarnation? I am the element of honesty.”
The rest of the room froze for a moment, just to envision the rolling hills of the Apple family orchard. Rainbow Dash was the first to crack into laughter.
“Hahaha, of course. We’ll talk schedules later,” Rainbow Dash said as she sat herself in Pinkie’s throne.
“Oh Applejack, why do you have to be so dramatic all the time?” Rarity asked with the flick of a now shimmering mane.
The irony became palpable as everypony in the room stared at Rarity. Justice prevailed.
Applejack turned to Twilight. “Are we good?”
“Yes. We are good.” Twilight nodded. There was a slight smile that almost pierced through Twilight’s exhausted face. It was squashed as she turned towards Rarity. “Well, well, well….” Twilight said as she walked around the back of Rarity’s throne.
Rarity looked at Twilight with cheeks puffed out in frustration. Twilight hadn’t even said anything, but Rarity was already scrunching her muzzle like a feral accordion, ready to pounce.
“The cafe--”
“It’s a cabaret and it is classy!” Rarity moaned.
Twilight flexed a wry expression. “Y’know I’m getting rid of it right? I’ve kinda been going with a theme, if you hadn’t noticed.”
“W-W-W-W-Whyyyy~ would you do a thing like that?” Rarity fumbled over her own words. She leaned as far as she could towards Twilight, given her bindings. “It’s such a nice business, Twilight. This is just a taste of what this town neeeeds.” Rarity summoned the guilt inducing powers of her pouting eyes.
“Well for one thing, every time I try to fix the hole in the roof, the manager says I am defying contract, and they keep hiring weather ponies to have rain pour in through the roof for some kind of hanging fountain,” Twilight said pointing a hoof whimsically upward.
“It’s good feng shui….” Rarity groveled.
“Good geomancy is also having a sealed roof. The point is, that cabaret came in here without my permission. It took over my kitchen and operates out of my library. Would it really trouble them to go somewhere else?”
“You are a princess, Twilight!” Rarity insisted it like she had taken offense. “You deserve great things.” She gave a compassionate pout as if to pity Twilight. “All the other princess have fancy cafes in their castles, oh, don’t you want to have one too? It is a sign of regal status!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I seriously doubt the veracity of those claims. I don’t think any of the princesses have dedicated cabarets in their castles...”
“BUT THEY WILL! Believe me, Twilight, they will… ” Rarity burst out with a sinister grin. “And it all starts with you. After they see your cabaret, every princess will want one!”
“That’s ridiculous… and circular logic!”
“IT’S CUTTING EDGE! It is the beginning of a new age and it begins with you! Embrace it, Twilight! Be the pioneer!” Rarity was spitting like a rabid dog. As she spoke, the ropes binding her bulged as if to break. “You’re moving up in the world. This marks your ascension-- Neigh! Your apotheosis to a higher plane of refined cafe experiences! CAN YOU FEEL IT, TWILIGHT?”
“Sweet Celestia, she is in peak form tonight….” Applejack mutter under her breath.
Applejack’s jaw dropped as she watched Pinkie Pie rob her of her hat without dignity or remorse. Pinkie Pie pulled the hat over her heart. “She always was the crazy one of us.”
“Do it for me, Twilight.” Rarity looked Twilight in the eyes, faintly nodding with austerity. “It is your destiny.”
“Um, I don’t want to sound arrogant but I don’t want to resign myself into believing my legacy would be something so silly as--”
“My destiny was a rock!” Rarity fired back instantaneously.
Twilight sighed. “It’s my castle--”
“If it’s your castle why do we all have these sweet thrones?” Rainbow Dash smirked.
When Twilight looked back, she realized Pinkie was in Fluttershy’s throne, Rainbow was in Pinkie’s, and Applejack had been peer pressured into Twilight’s. Her friends were hopeless. “If it’s our castle why am I the only one who pays the bills?” Twilight raised an eyebrow as the rest of her friends grimaced at each other. “When you are ready to be the princess of ‘Awesomeness’ and help pay the bills, you can give me a call.”
Rainbow Dash immediately feigned being asleep. She fooled no pony.
“Everypony wants to be princess, but when you have the wings AND the horn… then you pay the bills,” Twilight said, flapping the ends of her wings. She turned back towards Rarity. “As I was saying, it’s my castle. If I don’t want a cafe, it is my decision. Why do you care so much?”
“This is a big opportunity for me, Twilight! Don’t mess this up for me!” Rarity squawked as her hooves snapped through the ropes tying her to the throne. “It’s not personal...It’s business!” She raised her hooves for hoof-ticuffs.
Twilight deflated. “I’m sorry, Rarity…” She looked away to the corners of the room in remorse. “I want to support you in all of your business endeavors, but unless your contacts help pay for the exorbitant waste disposal and utilities costs, then this is not going to be on the table for negotiation.”
When Twilight looked back to Rarity, she had paled so much that a local crayon company pony, peering through one of the absent windows, snapped a photo as reference for a whole new shade of white crayon. The crayon would be printed as ‘Pretentious Specter,’ adding to an array of redundant white crayons that would never be used by children ever.
Rarity stifled her manic laughter. “T-T-Twi-Twi-Twilight. What are you talking about? This is an upscale establishment. They don’t have any waste! It’s preposterous to even think that.”
Twilight tilted her head to the side. “They are a restaurant, Rarity. Statistically, restaurants produce enough waste on a daily basis that town governments make little to no tax revenue on them. I have a book on it, if you’d like to take a look.”
Rainbow Dash leaned over to Pinkie Pie. “I think I missed something….”
“Rarity wants to live in a make believe world where fancy things don’t poop….”
Twilight flipped open her accounting book, the only thing to survive first impact. “Mayor Mare has refused to accommodate for the cafe’s garbage for that very reason. She says the only way that she will add it to the budget is if I open the castle up as a tourist attraction, and I don’t want to do that...” Twilight’s voice then took a tone that was a little too serious. Something from deep within the caverns of the mind, that had been stashed away from the light, had managed to crawl to the surface. “I finally got my own book fortress all to myself, and now they are trying to take it away from us. Well, we won’t lets them....” Twilight stopped herself mid-cackle to see her friends staring at her.
“Uhhh… when she says ‘us’ does she mean ‘us’... like normal people ‘us’?” Applejack asked, looking dumbfounded, as she pointed among her friends. “... or she does she mean ‘us’ in that crazy way she does when she doesn’t have anything to write to the princess about or when we put something where it ain’t supposed to go?”
“The truth comes to light….” Rainbow Dash gave a smug glance.
“I-I-I-I mean it’s an invasion of privacy…” Twilight popped beet red. “Hahaha... ha ha... ha..." Twilight's eyes shifted from side to side. "You didn’t hear any of that.”
The group snickered at Twilight.
“Besides, this is our base of operations for solving the problems of Equestria. We can’t have nosey ponies peeping in on us when we are trying to deal with the next thousand year old enemy Celestia didn’t tell us about,” Twilight said, frantically.
“She does have a lot of those. Makes ye think she might ‘a been not so great with that whole friendship thing.…” Applejack said.
“Not enough enemies if you ask me… it seems like forever since we fought anything cool like that,” Rainbow said as she sagged into the table.
Pinkie’s eyes widened as she waved her hooves in vertical circles around each other. “What if the tourist was Celestia’s evil enemy in disguise and we didn’t even know it? That would be dangerous!” Pinkie gasped. “What if we thought it was a tourist that was Celestia’s evil enemy in disguise, but it was actually Celestia in disguise trying to hide, incognito, from her enemy who may or may not be disguised as a tourist?” Pinkie shook her head furiously. “I am so conflicted on this…” Her friends didn’t have the appreciation for her genius like they should have.
“Can we please get back to grilling me over renting out Twilight’s castle for a nice restaurant as a gift to society?” Rarity complained tapping her hoof on the table with a furrowed brow and a pouting lip. “I’d like to get this done as quickly as possible, the stress is bad for my complexion. It is killing me!”
“I’m done with that, Rarity. I’ve said what I’ve wanted to say on that.” Twilight smiled.
“Oh, thank goodness.” Rarity sighed with relief.
“Let’s talk about how you keep chipping off parts of my castle. I get that it is a tree, but it is the place that I live and you are taking off large chunks. I’m not sure the castle can regrow that fast,” Twilight said putting her hooves on the table.
“...but I’m working on a new line! It’s going to be the latest fashion. My boutiques are going to ship these designs all over Equestria,” Rarity said with stars in her eyes.
“That better be a limited edition line up, or I will make it a limited edition line up,” Twilight said with a stern glare. “I swear you’re worse than Spi-i-i-i-AI Caramba…” Twilight sputtered out as the cake-ish apparition trudged in from the hallway.
It was indeed seven feet tall, maybe even more, and it had not the slightest glint of feeling or emotion on its unreadable face. It was the face of a decadent, yet moist killer. As everypony prepared to defend themselves, a sweet voice came out from within the frosting covered monster.
“Hello, everypony… oh, was I interrupting something? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, unless I wasn’t interrupting anything, in which in that case, that would be okay,” Fluttershy said as she moved to Applejack’s throne. It was as if she was wearing the cake like a dress.
“The cake monster ate Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash shouted, aghast.
Pinkie Pie flung herself into Applejack’s shoulder as a geyser of projectile tears gushed from her eyes.
Applejack patted Pinkie Pie’s head. “She was so young….”
“Keep that thing away from me!” Rarity had clamored up to the top of her throne, holding on for dear life.
“Don’t worry, everypony. I wasn’t hurt at all. Frosticake is actually really friendly and just wants a little love and attention,” Fluttershy said as she petted the interior of the cake’s mouth.
“Hot ghosts of my apple-chucking ancestors, since when was Fluttershy the cake whisperer?” Applejack asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I don’t know, but I’m hungry,” Pinkie Pie said as she walked up to the monster with a knife.
“Pinkie Pie, NOOOO!” Fluttershy cried out to her friend, but it was too late! She had already plunged knife into cake, carving out a slice.
“GZZZ-DZA-RAAAOOOWOW!” The creature roared in cakely indignation. The cake beast leaped off of Fluttershy towards Pinkie. Everypony split towards the corners of the room. Pinkie Pie sprung onto the table and the cake golem followed.
“Pinkie, don’t you realize?” Fluttershy spoke in concern. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
“Boo! Low hanging fruit!” Rainbow Dash called from a corner of the room.
The creature reared up on the table, glaring down at her with its decorative flowers made of frosting. On its upper jaw it read, “Congratulations.”
Pinkie pie jumped as high as she could manage, scrambling to grab hold of the chandelier above the table, which was hard because she only had one of her front hooves to grab onto it with, speaking that the other was too busy trying to shove cake into her mouth.
The creature reached up, clawing at her hanging hooves.
She flailed. “You can’t hurt me!” she shouted as she looked down on the monster. Relishing every syllable, she growled, “I gave you life!”
It didn’t matter to the beast. The cake leaped, latching its mouth around Pinkie’s waist, and tore her down to the table. She tried treading cake, but it could not save her from sinking into the sweet abyss.
As things were looking grim, something dashed through the monster, ripping Pinkie Pie from its grasp. Pinkie Pie gasped for air as she shook the cake from both head and hair. Turning to her savior, she smiled. “Gummy!”
Licking the frosting off of his own eyes, the alligator turned its gaze towards the seven foot wall of cake. It had not been long ago that they had considered each other to be brothers, but this crossed the line. The betrayal could not be ignored. The two primed themselves, riding on the edge of a moment in anticipation. One flash could light it all.
“Twilight, we have to do something!” Fluttershy begged.
Twilight nodded.
“Alright, Twilight, what’s the plan?” Applejack asked with a grin as she gathered round to the two of them. She tipped the brim of her hat down over her eyes.
“No,” Rainbow Dash said as she cut the three ponies off with a hoof. With a furrowed brow she looked back to her friends. “This is awesome,” she said, calm and composed. Rainbow Dash turned back to the intense standoff. “Let them fight….”
Gummy exploded into action! With a snapping jaw, he lunged into the mass of cake. He still didn’t have teeth, but the cake was light and moist, the mark of perfect craftsmanship! He didn’t need teeth.
The cake grasped around Gummy, lifting him into the air by his mouth. It tried to slam the reptile down to the table, but Gummy snapped his jaws through the cake taking hold of an entire layer at the core of the cake. Whirling like a vortex, Gummy caught the cake shambler in an alligator death spin. In this toothless tornado, frosting, mousse, and meringue were flung to the far corners of the room. Despite thorough campaigns made by Twilight in the coming aftermath, the castle would never truly be cleaned of the debris.
The sound of jetting pegasi echoed through the halls as the Wonderbolts passed through the room from one open window to the other. It was completely extraneous to the situation, but it did contribute to the mood.
“Go, Gummy! Fight for my honor!” Pinkie cheered from the sideline, eating the slice of cake that started this whole kerfuffle.
Gummy tore free of the cake as his enemy crept away from him. Cringing from its wounds, the now 5 foot cake monster made a break for the door. Gummy chased the homunculus out and down the hall.
The screams of cabaret patrons could be heard off in the distance.
After a moment of tension, Rarity cracked open the door to a cabinet she was hiding in, trembling. “Is it over?”
When the five ponies walked back to the table, they were shocked at the tasty destruction that had befallen the throne room.
“We’re alive… I think,” Applejack said as she circled her chair.
“I think we have learned a lesson in this. We had gone too far and cared too little. We didn’t see the signs. There could be other terrible creatures out there, not yet awakened. Maybe it is a sign of our arrogance,” Fluttershy said.
Rainbow Dash nodded. “Worth it.”
The strain had caught up to Twilight as she rolled a pair judgmental eyes towards Rainbow Dash. “You know that you’re cleaning this up, right?”
“I ain’t even mad.” Rainbow Dash smiled.
“Can we get some napkins?” Rarity called out to the waiters in the hall as she nearly slammed a hoof down to the table, only to stop a few centimeters above it by muscular gag reflex.
There he was. Decked from head to hoof in cake, but none-the-less unflinching, the waiter walked briskly at his summons. The unshakable poise of the waiter was so cool that it could practically freeze water. It was probably an invaluable tool in his line of work. He came with a stack of napkins for the table. He gave a quizzical look at the havoc of the table. “I would have taken your order for your entrees, yet it seems you have already been helped.”
“Thank you for the--” Twilight’s words screeched to a stop as an insulting black book was levitated into her hooves. Needless to say, it was the check. “Yup, that cafe has to go,” she said as the waiter disappeared without a trace.
“Oh, Twilight… I’m so sorry about what happened to your home… It is absolutely dreadful,” Fluttershy mumbled to Twilight.
“Good.” Twilight smiled at Fluttershy. “Get the small army of animals out of my house,” she ordered.
“...but-”
“They eat my food, I find their feces in strange and unusual places, there are holes in my books…”
“Twilight, they don’t mean any harm--"
"That is the fourth time I've heard that argument today and the second time from you. I think I've built up an immunity at this point," Twilight said with a sigh.
Fluttershy's face curled into a desperate frown. "They just don’t have anywhere else to go. You’ll come to like them. I promise.”
“Last night, a group of rats danced into my room waving quills and pencils and using my ink to paint tribal designs all over their fur. They climbed up to my bed and tossed a white mouse down my throat while I was asleep!”
“Oh, that’s great! That means they like you!” Fluttershy clapped her hooves together joyfully.
“Geez, Twilight. It’s not everyday that a tribe of adorable rodents make a sacrifice to you as if you were a god, and that is still not enough for you? Maybe being a princess has gone to your head,” Pinkie added.
“I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about Fluttershy’s little animals ever….” Rainbow Dash quipped.
“I don’t want them to like me. I want them to leave. Please work with me, Fluttershy, because if you don’t, I’ll get somepony else to deal with them….” Twilight watched as Fluttershy’s eyes widened ever so slightly.
“Please Twilight, all they ask for is a loving home with roof to keep their adorable, snuggily, sometimes ritualistic heads dry from the rain,” she begged.
Twilight Sparkle, too, might have appreciated having a roof to keep her head dry from the rain. Twilight gave a sinister grin.“I will get somepony to deal with them, and by somepony, I mean Applejack.” Twilight gave a wicked grin.
Applejack pushed up the brim of her hat quizzically.
Fluttershy’s eyes shrank into horrified specks. She couldn’t hold back neither the gasp nor the cheeks of her face retreating back behind her teeth, aghast. She shook her head, trembling. “Not that! Anything but that! I’ll do whatever you want, just please, spare them....”
“Am I just supposed be your minion or something? Am I the new spike? Because if you tell me to make you breakfast or clean a window, then you and I are going to have come to words. I have lines, Twilight. Lines that shouldn’t be crossed,” Applejack said. Like the crack of a whip, she then snapped back towards Fluttershy. “And what is it about me doin’ anything that’s got you treating me like it’s the end of days? I’m your friend! I’ll be careful.”
Fluttershy looked down, trying to gather the strength to confront Applejack. “I don’t mean any offense… it’s just that I’ve seen you be ‘careful’, and I don’t think it is careful enough to be considered ‘careful.’ You have a very… rough… sort of carefulness.”
"You sayin' my carefulness ain't good enough?!"
As the two devolved into bickering, Twilight collapsed down onto the table.
“Twilight!”
“Twilight?”
“Twilight!”
Twilight sighed from the table. Glancing back at her concerned friends who had jumped to her side without a moment’s thought, she gave a conflicted smile. “I’ve just got so much work to do on this place, and I love having you all hang out with me, it’s just that I can’t deal with it when I am trying to get everything in order. You all have your own houses, can’t you all live there? Or pay rent? Or help me deal with any of these issues?”
“Oh…” Rainbow Dash blinked repeatedly. “Was that all this was about? If that was all, you should have just said so. We can help out and stuff. I guess I owe you some windows.”
“Ah, that’s nothing, Twilight. Yer just rufflin’ feathers you don’t have. We'll get he trees out of the way and tarp over your ceiling until you can get around to fixin' it.” Applejack laughed.
“I'll talk to my friend about moving the venue for the cabaret. I'll see about trying to get it set up near the Boutique. Sorry for being so invasive,” Rarity added.
"I can pay rent until the cake's take me back," Pinkie said.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. We were really inconsiderate,” Fluttershy mumbled.
Twilight smiled with weary eyes. "Ha... if the windows are fixed, and I don't have to repair the ceiling for a while, and I don't need to deal with the utilities or garbage from the cafe... and I don't have to feed 30 different animals... I think I might pull through."
“Hey, one thing, though…” Rainbow Dash strained her face. “I get that you want us to take our stuff out of here, or at least the not-so-good stuff, but I like being here, and it is a good meeting place between all of our houses. We just haven’t gone to visit each other all that much these days, and sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing that holds us together,” Rainbow Dash said.
“The table has power….” Pinkie Pie said with hooves gliding over its crystal surface. She seemed to meditate on it in reverence.
Twilight picked herself up and looked around at her friends. “Is that how you all feel?” she asked. From one friend to the next, each one held a shy acknowledgement of Rainbow Dash’s claim. Even after everything that happened today, it made her smile. “Alright, but can’t we just move things around to the rest of your houses every once in a while?”
“Sooooo….” Rainbow Dash hummed.
Twilight raised an eyebrow to Rainbow Dash. She smirked and turned towards Pinkie in expectation. It was her job, after all.
Pinkie shrugged. “Rotating movie night?”
It was like a collective burden was lifted off of the group. Pinkie began point to each of her individual friends. “Movie night? Movie night? Movie night? Movie night? Movie night?” Reading the faces of her friends, Pinkie smiled. “Alright, movie night!”
"I really could use a movie night right about now." Twilight sighed.
Applejack scrunched her nose for a moment. Blinking twice, she put her hat down on the table. "Twilight, what exactly do you do for a living?"
Twilight popped up with a beet red blush. "Applejack! I am a princess! You know that."
"Yeah, but what do you bring home at the end of the day from it?"
Twilight dodged Applejack's eyes.
Pinkie raised a hoof. "I was thinking about that, too. Do you have to pay taxes? I mean, what kind of princess pays taxes? Taxes are usually paid to the royalty. I guess you'd pay taxes if you considered being a princess to be a political job, but since you don't have an empire or anything, are you supposed to get a different job? How weird would it be to see a princess working at a bake shop or as a cog in a weather factory? That's weird right? Saving Equestria is nice, but it isn't a full time job."
When Pinkie finished speaking, the Twilight she turned back towards was pale and lifeless.
"Twilight?"
*** *** ***
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that you should never room with your best friends. While we value the time we spend together, the time we spend apart can be just as important. Our time alone lets us figure out ourselves and tend to our needs, and it is important for our friends as well. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. To respect the needs of my friends and to keep myself from getting too familiar with their flaws, it is good to be able to get distance. A good friendship requires us to let each other have time apart, and even though we aren’t always together, we always know we will keep coming back.
Your Faithful student
Twilight Sparkle
PS: How do you feel about movie night? I hope you like it, because my friends and I are coming over on Friday. We have 3 six packs of Pibbs, two cakes, and every Con Mane movie ever made, so I hope you and your sister are ready.
PSS: Do I have to pay taxes? Can I get some tax exemptions for saving Equestria over and over again?
Author's Note
I had a lot of fun coming up with this one. It is my first venture into writing something with so many speaking characters in one scene all talking with each other, and I think it turned out well. I love banter, and it may have stretched certain bits out, but I think there is a lot to appreciate. I've been watching a lot of Community, so there is quite a lot of influence from that in there. I also wanted to channel early ponies when the characters were allowed to be awful to one another so long as they brought it in at the end. I was surprised at how easy it was to write some of the back and forth with character after I got going. I was always worried that characters would get left behind in the storm. If anybody really checks up on where the positions of each throne is relevant to one another, I am sure without a doubt that it is totally inconsistent with my story, but I just like to imagine it being some kind of space-time anomaly where characters are next to the characters that they need to be next to, without any sort of explanation. Its probably friendship's fault. I think the whole cast got some time in the limelight. If you like it feel free to leave a comment, upvote or whatever. I love hearing about what people laughed at.
