Mental Gymnastics

by vorxil

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Changelings, Spike, Comedy
Length: 3017

Thorax made it. He reached the Crystal Empire and convinced everypony he was a completely harmless changeling, who was just looking for some love and friendship. Just keep that cover story and—"We-he-hell, there's an explanation for that, Spike."

"Hey Thorax?"

"Yeah, Spike?"

"Remember when you said you remember being different from the other changelings the day you were hatched?"

"...Yes?"

"Well, I asked Twilight about it and... Well, apparently nopony really remembers that far back in their lives."

Thorax flinched.

When Thorax made the plan to move to the Crystal Empire, he didn't think it would be so easy as it was. Then again, nothing ever goes according to plan. Thorax learns this the hard way. Having just convinced the rulers of the Crystal Empire, his first friend pops the question he did not want to hear.

Now, his story is quickly falling apart and his mind must work overtime to maintain his recent clemency.

After all, he's not a regular changeling. The ponies believe it too, just for different reasons.

Rated Teen for Language

Published 2016-08-23 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-23 01:10:01 UTC

Debugging Life

"We-he-hell, there's an explanation for that, Spike." Think, think, think!

Everything had gone so well for Thorax. The plan had succeeded. More so than expected. One could almost say it was too good to be true. Then again, he had understood ponies weren't always the wisest bunch, what with all the tactical blunders and general tomfoolery of logic running in their heads.

So of course his complete bullshit didn't fly over their heads. Well, actually, there was some kernel of truth in there that wasn't so corny, despite the love-based diet. And technically, Spike wasn't a pony nor was he so easily fooled. Most of the time. But still, the fact that it went so well at first meant he had somewhat forgotten plans B thru Omega. So there Thorax was, in the middle of an empty corridor in the Crystal Palace, completely stumped. No time like the present to improvise.

"You see, the brains of changeling nymphs are so well developed that memory imprinting is fully possible at the time the changeling eggs hatch." Thorax didn't mind whipping up one huge tornado deflecting all levels of fecal matter from hitting the fan in the eye of the storm. Completely understandable, of course, given his current predicament. And just to ensure he kept the heat off of him, he continued digging towards the mantle of Equis in the hopes of using the background thermal radiation like a chameleon would use the background of a jungle as camouflage. If anything, it would help mask the rising temperature of his bullshit-o-meter. "In fact, it developed as a natural defense of our species."

No god could prevent the questioning scaly eyebrow rising on Spike's facial expression, eclipsing even the mightiest skeptic. "How precisely does having functioning memory that early work as a defense?" Never let it be said Spike didn't have a keen eye for logical continuation. He was raised by the best, after all. Allegedly. Twilight's continuing teleportation dysfunction still remained a perpetual conundrum for Spike.

Thorax silently cursed his anomalous sweat glands. Changeling magic may create the illusion of the traitorous bead of sweat running down the totally-not-a-changeling's temple, but Thorax was the exception. His were natural. Chrysalis never found out why and hopefully never will. "Oh, well, um, you know..." he kept on digging. "We're a hive mind. An efficient hive mind, at that. Gotta be able to take orders immediately after hatching and all. Can't do that if our memory is all frazzled." He smiled a most innocent smile, predatory fangs notwithstanding.

Spike's inquisitive gaze could cut diamonds. Granted, his teeth could do that like nopony's business, but that was beside the point. He hummed. "Alright then."

Twilight's work at work, ponies. After the little serenade in the throne room, Thorax shouldn't be surprised. Still, he knew very well that just because there was silence after the first artillery bombardment didn't mean there wouldn't be a second follow-up.

"So you'll be staying here then?" asked Spike, continuing the march of the inquisition down the guest suite corridor.

At least this time, Thorax's bullshit-o-meter could cool down from the meltdown. "Yes, Princess Cadance was kind enough to offer a guest room, at least until I could get my green card set up." The jury was still out on whether or not the royalty here had an ulterior motive. Then again, ponies were gullible to the point of reckless liability, Thorax argued internally.

"Your what card?"

Curse you, brain! "I mean until I can get myself setup here. You know, my own home, maybe a job, those sort of things." He silently pleaded Spike to forget his little faux pas.

"Well that's great, Thorax!"

Yes! Honestly, coming to the Crystal Empire was an ingenious and totally original idea. 'Twas the city of love! Everlasting food, a changeling would be mad for not coming here. Mad! 'Twas also the city of magic! Well, psychedelic magic, anyway. Given the emotional states of the crystal ponies, Thorax had sworn he would one day find the secret crystal meth lab. Made sense at the time, given the naming convention of the empire, kingdom, principality, city-state and possibly vassal? The feudal hierarchy was honestly so messed up, it only provided more evidence to the existence of the lab. The city water system was probably laced with the product or something, which would explain why Spike's serenade was so successful.

"Oh, I am most grateful for it. Finally, I have a place to call home," Thorax waxed on.

"I can't wait to hear more about it. Got any plans of what you want to do here?"

Besides gorging on love and partying into the wee hours? Of course, with basically all plans forgotten, he was a bit stumped. What would he do now? More importantly, what should he do to maintain his cover. Best way of not getting tossed out was making the Empire need him in some way, and given their out-of-dateness... Was he really willing to travel that far down the Memory Lane? Fuck it.

"I... I suppose I could teach?" Thorax sheepishly provided an offer.

"You teach?" There it was again, that solipsist eyebrow.

Don't mess this up. "Ye-yeah, of course! Chryssie's only one mare, she can't possibly teach all of her nymphs."

"Chryssie?"

"Queen Chrysalis," he quickly corrected. Please don't question it.

"Right. Well I doubt you'll be teaching Crystal Empire history any soon."

"Mhm. I was thinking mathematics and engineering," Thorax filled in, memories rushing back of what could have been. "Some calculus here, linear algebra there, numerical methods and analysis in the cold dead of winter with a side order of optimization." He let that nostalgic smile grow.

"Uhuh. Yeah I don't really know any of that. Twilight could probably help you set up a standards compliant curriculum, or something."

It was at that point that Thorax realized just how screwed he could have been had Twilight actually been standing within earshot. Thus his flinch didn't go unnoticed.

"You alright there, Thorax?" Spike looked rather concerned. Not the Fluttershy kind of concern when the local butterfly comes down with the flu, but the 'I am friends with Twilight 2.0 please don't self-destruct with a two mile blast radius' concern.

"Oh, um, yes. I j-just realized I had left all of my notes back in the, uh, in the hive." It was one thing to intentionally impersonate Twilight as a changeling, but to do so by mistake without a disguise? Thorax could already imagine Spike rushing to the nuclear bomb shelter. Defuse the situation! "Not that that is a problem, of course. Heh." Smile, Thorax. Smile like you had never smiled before.

"You kidding? If I know Twilight, she'll definitely say it's a problem. References are everything in education. In fact, the sooner we get that sorted, the better. Come along."

Oh Thorax, what had you done? Your bullshit-o-meter would not survive the levels of bullshit required to dig yourself out of your grave. "We r-really don't need to—"

"No, we're taking care of this now while we're still here."

Solemnly, like a funeral march, the two walked towards a purple empty grave. Weaving their way pass this guard, that guard, a wide-eyed blue-coated mare and what Thorax assumed was the janitor, they finally reached the throne room in all its crystal glory.

"Hey Twilight, you mind helping Thorax for a second?" Spiked called the Princess of Friendship and Devourer of Knowledge.

She took notice of the pair as she wound up her conversation with her sister-in-law, Princess Cadance. Notably, Thorax was sweating a veritable Olympic swimming pool's worth of liquid at the time. Putting on a serene smile, courtesy of practice with her mentor Princess Celestia, she made her way over to the two. "Of course, what do you need?"

Thorax quickly tried to redirect the train wreck. "Oh it's nothing really, your Highne—"

"Nonsense, Thorax," Spike rebutted, proving once again that changelings had nowhere near the linear momentum necessary to deflect a flaming ball of metal. "Besides Twilight's good at this."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure I can help." Twilight confirmed her stance to defy the universe.

"See, Thorax here used to teach back in the hive and was thinking of setting up as a teacher in the Empire but he—"

"You teach?!" Twilight beamed at Thorax. Had he not known her nature, he would have assumed she would've devoured him right then and there with the smile splitting her head in two. As it stood, 'twas merely the psychotic interaction between two academicians.

"As I was saying, yes he teaches but he lost his notes back in the hive. I was hoping you might help him find the books to set up a curriculum."

"I can do that, what do you need?" She turned to Thorax.

"Um..." Thorax's brain worked overtime, trying to come up with a way to get out of this mess.

"He mentioned, what was it again?" Spike put a claw on his chin and took up a philosopher's stance. "Calculus, linear algebra, numerical methods and analysis as well as optimization. Something to do with mathematics and engineering."

The Olympic swimming pool quickly became a lake as Twilight's face grew more and more befuddled. Thorax wasn't sure what to do now that the cat was out of the bag. If he was lucky, the ponies were advanced enough to at least have heard of the concepts. But chances were he made the impression of talking out of his flank and would probably get kicked out. Worst case scenario, however...

"Huh," Twilight pondered loudly with a hoof on her chin. "I wasn't aware changelings already understood calculus. As far as I know, Hoofton and Trotfried are still feuding over who came up with it. It's relatively new."

Thorax could see the light at the end of the tunnel—

"But those other four?" Twilight continued smashing changeling hopes. "Can't say I've ever heard of them." She gasped and grabbed Thorax by the withers. "We can hold a seminary on the changeling advances in mathematics and engineering! Oh I'm sure we'll both benefit from it!" Turning to Spike, she guided the flaming train wreck down a ravine and into the cold abyss of an ocean trench. "Spike, take a letter. I need to get this organized and scheduled."

Spike could already see the stars sparkling in her eyes as he went looking for a quill, some ink and a piece of parchment.

Seeing as Twilight was preoccupied imagining the scientific praise she'd get from her mentor and Spike was busy spelunking the castle, Thorax decided that now was the time to make a speedy exit before all Tartarus broke loose. He backed out of the throne room silently and, as soon as the doors had ever-so gently closed, he made mad dash down the corridor. Once again weaving past the guards, he headed for the emptiest part of the castle, the guest suite corridor.

Everything had quickly backfired. His plans, his oh so grandiose plans of survival had been thrown out with the bathwater by simply his getting caught in the nostalgia. If he was lucky, he could get out of sight and take on the persona of a pony before the others were any wiser. Sure, he would have to stay away to avoid arousing the suspicion a new pony appearing on the same day the changeling disappeared would bring. He wasn't willing to bet he could fool the ponies that easily twice.

He was so busy planning his plans and backup plans that he didn't notice the blue-coated mare slamming into him and pulling him into a nearby guest suite before it was too late. As the door was closed and he was brought up against the wall, he took notice of the oh so green eyes of his hostage taker. Green eyes that quickly became rather slitted.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Thorax?!" uttered a hissed, two-toned voice.

"Huh?" Thorax watched as the blue-coated mare burst into green flame, becoming the one person he didn't want to see today. Crap. "Th-this isn't what it looks like, your Majesty."

Queen Chrysalis didn't buy it for a second. "Really."

"Um. I can explain?" he retorted with a sheepish smile.

"Oh yes," Chrysalis went on. Thorax could see the anger seething through her eyes. "Please explain why you ran away from your hive, your duties and your mother!" Thorax could've sworn he saw Chrysalis sniffle right at the end. Then again, knowing Chrysalis, she was a manipulative bitch.

You're not my mother, you crazy mare.

"Do you have any idea of how worried I was?!"

Why would you care?

"You waltzing away into the lion's den! They were going to kill you!"

I'm pretty sure the power of cringe-worthy music saved—

"If it weren't for my casting an impression spell, those ponies wouldn't have had their minds changed by that dragon's song!"

Oh. Well, fuck...

That still doesn't disprove the existence of the crystal meth lab. 'Tis a conspiracy, I—wait is she crying?

Once in a alcohol-induced blue moon, a love bug would cry.

Chrysalis found the floor very pleasant to look at. "We can't afford to lose any more changelings. The hive's weak enough as it is. We can't replenish our numbers with so little love left." Gazing back up at Thorax and pierced him with her eyes in ways the hive mind could not. "Do you have any idea of what you were getting yourself into, Thorax?"

Thorax tried to find a spot in an inconspicuous corner where his eyes weren't threatened by the queen's steely guillotine gaze but failed.

"Do you, Thomas?"

Thorax flinched. What.

She smiled. She fucking smiled. "You didn't think you could hide from the hive mind forever, did you?"

Oh fuck. As a wise man once said, neither confirm nor deny everything, lest you unleash the apocalypse.

"I always knew you were the odd one out. Your body language was so off from a normal changeling." She leveled her gaze closer to him, each one's eyes all but touching. "But your... resistance to the hive mind was always an enigma. Oh, occasionally some leaked out, like Thomas, but I couldn't quite figure it out.

"Imagine my surprise when you start talking about the most outlandish nonsense to these ponies yet your body language screams it out as a universal truth." Her narrowing eyes sent off all kinds of signals. Thorax wasn't sure how to interpret them other than nothing good. "Am I merely imagining you as insane or do you truly have such knowledge hidden under your carapace? What else are you hiding?"

Thorax wasn't sure what to do, but he had to salvage the colossal fuck-up he was in somehow. By completely going off the deep end. "Oh fuck off, you paranoid witch." He enjoyed seeing her visibly flinch. "I might have told you if you weren't such megalomaniacal idiot who thought the best idea of ensuring a lasting food supply was to invade with fucking infiltrators with absolutely no combat experience whatsoever against a peaceful civilization that you probably could have diplomatically achieved the same goals. And while I admit that your plans might have worked, the only reason I'm saying that is because the polyarchs of Equestria and the Royal Guard are notoriously incompetent and make downright shameful responses to national threats. You're a manipulative, lying and greedy harlot who couldn't care less if putting me in torture chamber to acquire the knowledge of science and future events would have granted you the edge required to get what you want. I am sick of... sick of..."

Thorax began to notice his hooves were getting wet from the epic rivers of tears coming from a very downtrodden Chrysalis.

"Is that what you see me as?" Chrysalis could barely be heard by Thorax. "Am I that heartless in your eyes that I wouldn't care for my nymphs? For my people? That I would put you through such pain to ensure our victory?"

"Well... I..." Now that he thought about it, when had she ever intentionally hurt him? Not even the little bump into the guest room hurt any meaningful amount, though that might've been due to the chitin plates. She took care of her people after the invasion. She had always had her people's best interests in mind, even if her perceptions of other civilizations were flawed and her methods could've been better. Thorax breathed in deep. "Maybe not. But can you blame me for being frightened of the prospect?"

Thorax suddenly found him encapsulated by black chitin. He struggled. Slightly.

"I'm sorry for ever frightening you, my child." Chrysalis maintained her bear hug like her life depended on it.

Thorax tried to think of a rebuke, to keep up his mental gymnastics, but his brain was already fried from working overtime. He relented, and cursed whatever mother-child complex his psyche had been given, embracing the hug.

Eventually, the two separated. "We should get going, this is no place for a changeling." Chrysalis took the lead.

Are you stupid? Thorax couldn't fathom why the two would abandon the opportunity. "But the love! There's so much love here!"

"I know. But ponies fear us and until we can ensure we won't be attacked on sight, we cannot remain here. At the very least we can take some of this love back." Her smile returned. "And maybe we'll discuss your... esoteric knowledge, if you want."

"Well, I wouldn't say it's impossible for you to stay," a familiar voice spoke out.

Both pairs of changeling eyes shot open and gazed to the door. A purple alicorn stood there with the most sheepish smile ever, her assistant busying himself with transcribing the conversation.

"H-How much did you hear?" Thorax immediately went to DEFCON 5 and scrambled fighters to intercept the supersonic fecal matter on approach to the fan.

"Enough." Twilight confirmed. "So... what's this about future events?"

Thorax lied down and sighed explosively. "Fuck."

Author's Note

In case of confusion, this was a one-shot fic.