Thunder rolled, rattling the windowpanes, and the mist peeled back. Standing on the threshold of CHS was a grotesque, muscular, skinless figure. A silver skull, jaws clenched and a red visor hiding the eyes leered at the pristine glass doors. The figure’s fingers clenched around his pointed staff topped with a stylized Z to match the one rising from his forehead.
“At last, I have tracked the mysterious power source to this Canterlot High, and now that I have arrived, every human will kneel at the feet of their supreme ruler!” The figure cackled maliciously, leveling his staff at the door. The glass portal remained resolutely inert, and after a moment's slightly embarrassed silence, the abomination pushed the door open and stepped into the foyer.
“Kneel before your overlord, humans!” The declaration echoed like thunder, reverberating impressively through the halls. This may have been amplified by the lack of bodies to absorb the sound.
“Blast! Thwarted by Chronos, my oldest foe!” The figure sank back against a gilded trophy case. “Well, I haven't put all this effort into finding the power just to come up empty handed. The power will be mine… as soon as someone who can show me where it is comes along.”
****
Sunset Shimmer was running late again. A long night spent analyzing Twilight Sparkle’s data on magical overflow and the effect on living and nonliving material near the portal had left her with no time to finish her essay on the Ottoman Empire, leaving a sad, half empty sheet of paper crammed in her backpack. She sprinted across the lawn and up the steps to the entrance hall. Throwing the door open, she discovered she wasn't the only one not yet in class. A large, hushed crowd was gathered in front of the trophy case, whispering amongst themselves. Curiosity driving her impending tardiness from her mind, Sunset pushed her way through the cluster, finding her friend Applejack near the center. The farm girl acknowledged Sunset with a look, jerking her head at the ground in front of them.
“What do ya reckon that is?”
The slumped creature was a grotesque, rather inaccurate study in human anatomy dressed up for Nightmare Night. Sunset watched it's chest rise and fall slowly, head lolled to side against the cabinet.
“I'm really hoping it’s a Crystal Prep prank taken too far, I'm not ready for another magical battle.” As Sunset spoke, the freak stirred, head jerking upright as it scrambled to its feet.
“Pathetic humans!” The creature managed through a yawn that didn't part the metallic teeth. Students scurried back as it brandished the staff at them threateningly. “Reveal the source of the mysterious power here, and I shall mercifully allow you to serve my every whim of your own free will!”
“I think you just used an oxymoron, Mr. Zed!” Piped up a cheerful voice from the crowd. The sea of colorful students parted, revealing the wild pink hair and infectious smile of Pinkie Pie, party planner without peer. “And nice alliteration there, Mr. Narrator!” Thanks, Pinkie, it only took me forty minutes to come up with that!
“Impudent girl! How dare you call your supreme ruler an oxymoron!” Bellowed the interloper. “And for the record, it's Lord Zed to you!”
“Silly Zeddie, oxymoron isn't an insult!” Pinkie casually dodged a bolt of lightning that leapt from the Z atop the staff. “An oxymoron is a contradiction. You said we would serve your every whim of our own free will, but it wouldn't be if we had to serve you.”
“Pinkie, maybe we shouldn't antagonize the walking anatomy model,” Sunset hissed in a stage whisper, eyeing the scorch mark on the far wall.
“It was not a contradiction, you puny pink pile of putrid pastels! The alternative is serving me as a mindless slave!”
By now the CHS students were taking cover in trashcans and lockers as Pinkie and Lord Zed faced off, the latter hurling lightning bolts and the former easily sidestepping them. Applejack and Sunset crouched next to the trophy case.
“Well, that was kind of mean.” Pinkie elegantly back flipped over another volley, a scowl darkening her features. “The narrator's alliteration was much better.”
“Silence!” A bolt finally found its mark. Pinkie sprawled on the ground, enveloped in a golden glow. Sunset and Applejack cried out, but before they could move, a streak of yellow barreled out of an open classroom door, striking Zed in the chest and hurling him back into the trophy case in a shower of broken glass.
Fluttershy, fully ponied up, eyes burning like coals, loomed over the fallen Zed. “You big,” she grabbed the protruding metal Z, dragging him to his feet, “mean,” she buried her fist in his stomach, “bully!” Zed went hurtling across the hall, smashing through the front doors and
collapsing in a heap on the ground.
“Pinkie!” Sunset ran to her friend's side, sliding on her knees to her side. The peppy girl's hair was standing on end, and a burnt smell hung over her like a cloud. The peerless party producer peered up purposefully, periwinkle peepers perpendicular to her periderm.
“I think you might be stretching the bit, Mr. Narrator.” Please, to you, Pinkie, it's just Narrator. “Aw, you old charmer, you.”
“She musta hit her head, she's talking nonsense!” Applejack’s gaze flicked between Pinkie’s pupils, trying to determine if they were both dialated to the same width.
“You little…” Zed clambered to his feet outside, leaning heavily on his staff and shaking his head. “What sort of filthy teen-agers-” he stopped abruptly. “No.” His visor scanned over Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Sunset Shimmer. “Yellow. Pink. Red. Red… 2?” He shook his head. “This is merely a coincidence. Besides, there's no bl-”
The kick to his jaw lifted him off his feet and into the air. Before he hit the ground a hand wrapped around his ankle and spun him in a full circle, releasing him into a protracted flight that ended in the entrance hall with him tumbling head over heels.
As Lord Zed struggled upright he beheld the now assembled team lined up before him. Rainbow Dash alighted next to her friends, fists clenched and wings flared. Pinkie pushed away from Sunset, fixing Zed with a disapproving glare. Applejack pointed an accusatory finger at the skinless villain.
“Now look here, ya misshapen menace, we’ve dealt with things a lot scarier’n you at this school, so why don't you just high tail it back to whatever educational diorama you walked out of?”
“No, this can't be!” Zed raged, ignoring the farm girl. “Even in this world, there are Power Rangers to stop me?” Thunder cracked as Zed's tantrum intensified. “It's not fair! What does an evil mastermind have to do to escape you polychromatic punks?” A gray ball appeared in his hand, which he spiked into the ground, where it shattered, and the fragments gradually swelled into gray and silver humanoids with red eyes and identical pursed lips, faces frozen in slightly quizzical expressions. “Putty Patrollers, destroy them!”
The Putties burbled among themselves and then advanced, half walking, half hopping towards the girls. Applejack glanced at Sunset, eyebrow raised.
“So much for a Crystal Prep prank.” Sunset gritted her teeth.
“Alright, clay men, who's first?” Rainbow Dash didn't wait for a response. “I'll take the thirty in the middle, you guys watch my back!”
“Rainbow - dangnabbit!” Applejack growled as the star athlete flew into the middle of the Putties’ formation, bowling several of them over. “We'd better get in there before they dogpile her like a mare in breeding season.”
“Pinkie, you take the left with me! Fluttershy, Applejack, take the right side!” Sunset barked, cracking her knuckles. The four rushed into Rainbow Dash’s wake, Putties leaping at them with vicious gurgles. The quartet fought in tight formation, Sunset’s grace and poise complementing Pinkie’s acrobatics, energy, and stunning good looks (“You really know how to make a girl blush mid-roundhouse, Narrator!”), while Applejack's strength and Fluttershy’s ferocity blended seamlessly, creating a collage of victory highlighted by some really fantastic hairdos.
As the Putties fell, Lord Zed snarled viciously. “Get them, you clay-brained cretins! They're just teen-agers!” One of his minions slammed into the statue beside him and crumpled. Zed kicked him in the chest, causing him to explode. “Next time I'll bring some real minions!” He looked around, glancing left and right, up and down, until his eyes fell on the rearing stallion statue. His visor flashed. “This statue will make the perfect monster to destroy these pesky Power Punks once and for all!”
Lightning flashed from the staff in Zed's hand, wrapping the horse in blue rivulets of power. The portal in its base responded, and rainbow light lashed forth, momentarily blinding everyone. As the light faded, a figure leapt down from the base, feet crashing into the cement below, cracking it.
“Behold, my mightiest creation yet, Statuesque!” Zed cackled with glee, bouncing in place and clapping his hands.
Rainbow Dash spun elegantly, kicking six Putties in the face. “Oh, yeah? Let's see what he thinks of my Rainboom Kick!” She hurtled feet first into the obscured figure, which caught her by the ankles and held her upside down in front of it.
The hulking creature was roughly humanoid, about eleven feet tall, its round muscular torso supporting beefy limbs and a comic horse head erupting directly from its chest. The face was frozen in a permanent grimace, eyes popping, mouth slightly agape. One glassy, emotionless eye inspected Rainbow before it balled a massive marble first and drew it back to strike.
“Rainbow!” Sunset cried, but even as the blow fell a flashing silhouette interposed itself between the struggling girl and her captor. A dull clunk resounded across the yard as a knight in radiant chrome armor raised its shield, warding off the attack. An immaculately polished sword cleaved off the monster's hand at the wrist, and Rainbow fell hard on her back behind the champion.
“Stand to, you villainously tacky bit of lawn art! I, Lady Rarity, will not allow you to befoul these grounds with your inelegance and dastardly disregard for my friends!” The knight pointed her sword at the wide space between the horse's eyes. “By all that is good, right, and fabulous, I command thee: Get thee gone, abomination!” The blade flashed out again, but this time the monster batted the weapon aside, grabbing Rarity by the helmet and smashing its marble face into the visor. As the seamstress reeled, Statuesque hefted her onto its shoulder and threw her over its back. She crashed to the ground and lay still.
Fluttershy appeared at the monster's side, eyes smoldering. Blows rained down on Statuesque’s face and neck, chipping away tiny bits of stone. Rainbow Dash joined the assault, her attacks letting off little bursts of polychromatic energy each things they landed, but with a swing of its massive arm, Statuesque sent both of them flying.
Applejack dropped to the ground next to Rarity. “You silly girl! We have a big fight and you’ve gotta go get gussied up for it.”
“Pish posh,” Rarity groaned from inside the helmet, “I’ve been wanting to try this new design out since the Fall Formal.”
Applejack's below furrowed. “You sound okay, but ya haven't gotten up yet. Are ya hurt?”
“Not at all, darling.” Rarity grunted, before letting out a soft hiss. “Well, perhaps a bit bruised. Truthfully, the armor is too heavy. I can't get up.”
“Land sakes, Rarity, you couldn't just put on something practical, could ya?”
“Form before function, my dear. Form before function.”
Sunset and Pinkie continued towards Zed through the Putties. Pinkie planted a pearlescent pauldron in a Puttie’s solar plexus, and was pleasantly presented with a prolific pop. The clay man's limbs flew off into space, vanishing from existence.
“Sunset, they explode like party poppers! Hit the Z on their chests!”
“What?” Sunset looked bewildered, even as she countered a wild kick and dropped its owner with her own. “Why would their weakness be something so easy to do? Wouldn't that make them incredibly ineffective as ground troops?”
“It sure would!” Pinkie tossed her gorgeous, curly mane, her eyes sparkling with the sort of heart stopping radiance that a man could lose himself in… Sorry, I forgot where I was going with that sentence. She's really pretty. “You're not so bad looking, yourself, Narrator.” She winked, and the Narrator became once again distracted, his heart doing double time as he remembered he was supposed to be relating the events of the battle I’m really sorry guys, I don't know what's going on with me right now. Ahem. Pinkie, stop giving me that ‘come hither’ look, I need to focus. “Right! Sorry! But after this is done you wanna go get a milkshake or something?” What? I mean, yes, I would love that! Omigoshomigosh I got a date! Wohoo! Oh, crap! I'm really sorry, guys. Seriously this time, Sunset looked at her friend with slight worry, but had little time to dwell on her eccentricity as they approached Lord Zed, who sent a jet of blue lightning in their direction. Sunset used a Putty as a shield, then kicked the hapless creature to the ground and leapt at Zed.
“You're too late, little Power Punk! With Statuesque at my side, you have absolutely no chance of victory!” Zed cackled even as Sunset kicked him hard in the chest.
“Only dumbies deal in absolutes, Zeddie Boy.” Pinkie went down on all fours and Zed tripped over her as he staggered back from Sunset's kick.
“Cursed teen-agers!” Zed roared as he fell. He rolled on his stomach, gripping his butt. “Right on my tailbone! Statuesque, get over here and help your master!” The pillar of marble collided with Sunset, hurling her into Applejack, who was returning to the fight with a now upright Rarity. The two tumbled in a heap of limbs while Pinkie jumped on Statuesque’s shoulders and started striking his head with a pair of drumsticks.
Statuesque plucked Pinkie off its back and flung her at Rarity, who ducked and dealt a swift uppercut to the monster's jaw. The horse responded by sweeping Rarity's legs out from under her with its own, trapping her on the ground once again. Sunset slid between Statuesque’s legs, distracting it for a moment and allowing Applejack to land a powerful kick on the top of its head. The farm girl ducked as Statuesque swung its abbreviated arm at her and punched it twice in the armpit. Sunset planted a boot on the back of its knee, trying to force it down, but it reached between its legs and caught her ankle, dragging her forward and using her as a bludgeon against Applejack. The two fell back as Fluttershy rushed in again. Statuesque caught her by the hair and held her at arm's length.
“Now, stupid teen-agers, bow to me!” Zed leveled his staff at Fluttershy. “Or your little friend will face the consequences!”
Fluttershy kicked at Statuesque, but his arms were too long. “Don't do it, girls!” She squeaked, but her voice had lost its edge.
Rainbow rushed forward but Sunset grabbed her around the chest. “Wait!” She turned to the muscular tyrant. “You said something about a power here. What did you mean?”
Zed cackled, twirling his staff in his chrome-clawed hands. “I traveled here from my own dimension inside Serpenterra, my mighty zord. Unfortunately, Serpenterra’s chronic battery issues persist, and so I was forced to follow the magical energy signature to this den of pubescence. Once Serpenterra's power reserves are full again, I shall have exactly one episode to unleash its power on your world. Your leaders will submit to me, and I shall rule with the iron fist of tyranny for all time!” Zed laughed thunderously, throwing his head back in mirth.
“Wait - you want the magic of Equestria to recharge a battery?” Rainbow asked incredulously. “Of all the reasons people have tried to steal our magic, that has to be the lamest one.”
Zed’s visor flashed brilliantly. “Why you cocky little peacock! I'll show you who's lame!” His staff sparked with energy as he levelled the weapon at Fluttershy.
The four cried out as lightning streaked towards Fluttershy, but the bolt bent sharply away from her, striking a long metal prong stuck into the ground. All eyes followed the energy as it dissipated into the ground. Crouching behind the bizarre bronze contraption, Twilight Sparkle twisted a series of knobs and dials, biting her lip in concentration.
“Don't just stand there!” Sunset barked. “Save Fluttershy!”
Applejack shoulder-checked Statuesque in the chest, bouncing off the marble monstrosity with a dull thunk. Sunset leapt off the farm girl's shoulders, skipping off Statuesque's marble head and avoiding the stump that swung clumsily at her. Zed snarled and fired a second lightning blast, which was again absorbed by Twilight's device. Rarity cleaved her sword across Statuesque's exposed back, leaving a shallow gash in the blade’s wake. The monster swung Fluttershy into the armored fashionista, who flew back into Applejack and landed on top of her, pinning them both to the ground.
“Pinkie!” Twilight called, not taking her eyes off the display as she flipped a series of switches. The party planner appeared at her elbow, leaning over the control panel and obscuring Twilight's vision with her gorgeous pink curls. Twilight brushed them aside. “I need you to stab that thing with Rarity’s sword and leave it there!”
“Oooo, you're going to blow it up with Zeddie’s lightning, aren't you?”
“Yes, but I need to do it before Zed overloads the capacitors, or it'll be me getting blown up instead! I can't direct the lightning without a target.”
Pinkie's brow furrowed. “That seems like a really arbitrary restriction for your machine to have.”
“I'm sorry, maybe you'd like to construct the mechanical counter to the villain’s primary weapon in under ten minutes next time!” Twilight hissed irritably, teeth clenched.
“No thanks!” Pinkie hopped over the machine, darting lightly across the yard. She plucked the sword from fallen Rarity's hand and launched herself into the air, pointing the blade down at Statuesque's head. She never landed the blow. Zed tackled her out of the air, and the two tumbled across the grass together, their weapons wrenched from their grasps. As they both rolled to their feet Zed came up holding the sword, while Pinkie brandished the z-staff.
Zed lunged forward, the blade in his hand flashing as he swung hard. Metal and lightning sparked, both combatants blurs of red and pink. At last they broke apart.
“Give me the staff, power-pincushion, and I won't use you as a footstool in the coming empire.”
“Give me the sword, Zeddie, and I won't tell your father-in-law about the time you tripped over a high school girl.”
“Silence! Statuesque, get my staff!” Zed pointed, and Pinkie had to duck as Fluttershy came hurtling at her like a bullet. The marble monstrosity came next, it's stone hand wrapping around the staff and jerking hard, taking Pinkie with it. She whipped around, releasing the haft of the weapon in midair, even as electricity arced forth from the z. Her legs wrapped around Zed's arm, spinning him around as she pried the sword from his grip, the spinning motion hurling it into the air, where Sunset caught it. Twilight's device shrieked and burst into flames, discharging the stored energy into the sword even as the blade intercepted the bolt from the staff. Rainbow energy lanced in every direction, blinding all present. Sunset's scream was swallowed by the cacophonous squeal of rent ozone.
Rivulets of energy poured out towards the teens, wrapping them in colored light. As Zed watched in horror, the light coalesced into armored suits in primary colors. In synchronization, the newly garbed heroes lined up.
“Honesty!” Applejack postured, her orange suit accented by a red apple belt buckle. A jet of orange flame shot out of nowhere in particular behind her.
“Generosity!” Rarity's poise in her glistening white armor with diamond embellishments was exquisite.
“Kindness!” Fluttershy’s voice was soft and gentle as she dropped to one knee, her yellow helmet’s butterfly shaped visor dropping into place.
“Laughter!” Pinkie's pink suit was accompanied by a bulkier baby blue chest plate with a massive cannon mounted on each shoulder.
“Loyalty!” Rainbow Dash’s wings extended behind her, blue armor covering them.
“Magic!” Twilight's purple armor was decorated with six-pointed stars, and came with a golden staff topped with an identical star.
“Empathy!” Sunset Shimmer’s red armor was laced with orange, and the sword in her hand was bathed in rivulets of fire.
The seven struck a final pose, and seven colorful explosions erupted behind them.
“Power Rangers… why me? Couldn't you go bother some other supervillain?” Zed griped sullenly, arms folded over his chest and shoulders hunched in a distinctly pouty fashion.
Sunset pointed an admonishing finger at the irascible interdimensional invader, irritation irradiating in irredescent, inverted iterations across her introverted irises sorry, Pinkie, that one was really bad, and shouted, “You came here looking for magic? Well, here it is! Now, I'm going to give you one last chance to surrender and walk away. If you don't, my friends and I will unleash the Magic of Friendship on you and your walking lawn ornament.” She clenched her hand into a fist, swiping it sideways as she finished.
“Never! Friendship away, my little pipsqueaks! It will be a cold day on in Cleveland when I submit to a bunch of half-witted high schoolers!” Zed raised his hand. “Statuesque, staff!” The weapon sailed through the air to clonk against his visor. He fumbled briefly before catching it across his elbows.
“Okay, girls, let's show Zed what happens to bad guys at Canterlot High!” Sunset raised the sword in her hand and charged, the others in her wake. Statuesque barely managed to bring its arms up to counter the slash at its face. Twilight drew a glowing arcane symbol in the air, then thrust her palm through the center, sending a wave of frigid air across Statuesque's body. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy caught both the monster's arms, while Rarity swung a giant needle and thread around its left leg and Applejack lassoed its right. The winged girls lifted the monster up, holding Statuesque spread-eagle in midair, tethered to the farmer and fashionista below. Pinkie Pie took careful aim.
“Hysterical Laughter Party Cannonball!”
The roar of the two weapons was deafening, a high pitched squeal combined with a glass rattling crack of thunder. Two jets of multicolored party fury collided with Statuesque. When the conflagration subsided, Statuesque tumbled, trailing streamers and confetti, towards the ground and Sunset's blade. The sword flashed in an intricate pattern, severing all Statuesque's limbs and cleaving its body in twain. Chunks of marble rained down around Sunset as she turned, sheathing the sword at her belt. Each fragment exploded with fire and confetti, and the red ranger walked through the explosion unharmed.
“Impossible!” Zed raged. “No, very possible! Likely, even!” He kicked violently at a Putty that had somehow survived, burying his foot in its clay stomach over and over again. “I-AM-SO-SICK-OF-THESE-WORTHLESS-SNIVELING-SUIT-WEARING-CIVIC-RESPONSIBILITY-BEARING-ECOLOGICALLY-FRIENDLY-ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT-DO-GOODING-POWER-PUNKS!”
Panting, he leaned against his staff. Slowly he reached for his waist, withdrawing a gray orb. “This has never worked, not once in the entire history of evil kind, but it's the only trick I know…” He hurled the ball at Statuesque's remains. “Make my monster grow!”
A jet of steam shot forth from the ball, and when it cleared Statuesque, fully reformed, towered over the school. The girls leapt back, looking up at the monster. Statuesque raised a giant hoof, stomping down on the ground recently vacated by our heroes.
“Holy overused plot twist, girls! That thing is bigger than Dashie's ego!” Pinkie fired a blast from her cannons, but the pastel projectile pinged perniciously off the pillar’s pate.
“Hey! It's nowhere near that big!” Rainbow shouted. She rocketed into the sky, releasing bursts of energy as she gathered speed. Flying in a wide arc, she banked back towards the behemoth. Putting on a final spurt of speed, she unleashed a disc of rainbow light as she broke the Awesomeness Barrier and slammed into Statuesque, screaming “Super-Ultrasonic Rainboom Thunderbird Phoenix Bluebird Punch!”
Statuesque stumbled, seeing silver stars sparkle scintillatingly across its sight. Fluttershy and Applejack rushed forward, spreading the farmer’s lasso between them. They ran around the statue’s legs, but couldn't hold it and were dragged along as it aimed a kick at the rest of the group. As the sprang lightly aside, Sunset yelled, “This isn't working!”
“According to my calculations, the force needed to bring down that beast,” Twilight had summoned a tablet to her hands, fingers flying across its surface, “is roughly equivalent to one hundred eighty three thousand two hundred nineteen Super-Ultrasonic Rainboom Thunderbird Phoenix Bluebird Punches!”
“But what could possibly generate such tremendous force?” Cried Rarity as Statuesque obliterated the second floor social studies classroom.
“One hundred eighty three thousand two hundred eighteen more Super-Ultrasonic Rainboom Thunderbird Phoenix Bluebird Punches!” That was Pinkie.
“No.” Sunset clenched a fist. “There's only one power that can save Canterlot High.” The fiery ranger threw a gauntleted hand in the air. “We need Friendship Power, now!”
A chain of red light lashed forward from Sunset's hand, spiraling into the sky. The others followed suit, their own rays joining with hers as a familiar tune thundered across the landscape. The lights combined into a rainbow funnel, spinning faster and faster. Abruptly the column burst, revealing a towering alicorn composed of chrome and socialism. As Statuesque wheeled to face the it, the giant pony reared up on its hind legs. Its knee joints reversed with a clang of metal, its front hooves flipped inside out, becoming hands, its head sank forward into its chest, replaced by a rounder, more humanoid one. The flowing tail sharpened into a blade, which it detached from its rear and brought up in both hands.
“Come on, everyone!” Sunset leapt ridiculously high in the air, landing on the massive chrome shoulder. She entered through a hatch on the side of its neck. The others followed suit. Inside the head they found 7 joysticks color-coded to their armor.
“I think we probably grab these…” Sunset and the others lurched unexpectedly as the Alicornzord bucked to the side.
“Sorry!” Pinkie cried, gripping her joystick with both hands, “I just got excited! I can fix this!” Everyone flew back in the opposite direction, piling on top of one another. “Sorry!”
“Pinkie!” Sunset barked, “Stop touching it!” Pinkie jumped back and folded her hands behind her. Sunset extracted herself from the pile and approached her station. She gingerly touched the control before grabbing it with both hands as she was thrown off balance again. “Pinkie!”
“That wasn't me!” Pinkie threw her arms around Applejack as the farm girl stumbled, breaking her fall.
“Look at the view screen!” Rarity pointed, and sure enough, there was Statuesque, drawing back its fist for another attack.
“No time! Grab your sticks!” The rangers rushed to their stations. As Statuesque punched hard towards the face, the Alicornzord caught the fist, then kicked Statuesque in the groin.
Statuesque staggered, gripping its unmentionables. The Alicornzord's sword swung out and slashed thrice. With a scream, Statuesque toppled over on its face and exploded as the Alicornzord turned away, sheathing the blade at its side.
The heroes leapt down to find a disgruntled Zed stomping through the CHS herbal garden, muttering to himself.
“It's over, Zed! Surrender, and we won't kick your sorry butt!” Rainbow pointed a gauntleted finger at the supervillain.
Zed kicked over a berry bush. “Never, Power Poopstains!” He marched forward with each word, gesticulating wildly, “I will continue to fight you until I am finally victorious! My vengeance will be-” oof! Oof, ow, ugh! Get this walking x-ray malfunction off of me!
“I’ll help you, Narrator!” Thanks, Pinkie. Man, he’s heavier than he looks. “Hey, who the Fuji apple are you?” I'm the Narrator. “Wait, that fella Pinkie was talking about earlier?” Yes, that's me. Pinkie's just more perceptive than the rest of you. And charming. “But you're real?” “Sorry to interrupt, guys, but I think the Narrator needs to do the outdoor.” Ah, right, thanks Pinkie.
As the heroes stood over the fallen Zed, Pinkie leaned in close, her beautiful eyes filling the Narrator's vision, and as her lips mhmhmmm mhm mhmmhm mmm. “Uh…, Pinkie, maybe let the man finish?” “I don't think they're coming up for air anytime soon.” “Maybe we should leave them alone. This is starting to feel a little awkward.” “Amen to that.”
___
“And that's the story of how you were made!” Pinkie spun a bowl of cake batter on the tip of her finger. Her children looked up at their father, the Narrator, in amazement. “ Did all that really happen, dad?” The youngest asked. “It sure did, Golden Monologue! Now, run along, kids! This cake will be ready in twenty minutes.” As the children scurried off, the Narrator relaxed back in his seat, wondering if he would ever get over his habit of narrating his own life. “No, probably not.” Pinkie Pie snuggled up to him, her sugary scent distracting him from his monologue, “it’s one of the reasons I love you so much.” She kissed him on the cheek, and he wrapped his arms around her. I love you too, Pinkie Pie. As he held his beloved close, he reflected that his life was pretty much perfect.
Author's Note
Well, this was... Something. I hope you enjoyed it.