The first dish Luna was to prepare and serve the Chef was a vegetarian lasagna with a tomato and red chilli puree. The less than elated Alicorn presented the dish before him, stepping back to allow a comfortable distance for Gordon to taste her delectable food. Luna was confident this would win him over, as you know, one does not spend a thousand years on the moon without learning a few things about taking care of yourself.
Gordon inspected the dish and prodded it with his utensils.
"Right. The lasagna is just, haphazardly thrown onto the plate with no real care for presentation." He spoke as he began to take it apart, taking a small sample onto his fork he inspected the contents again before tasting it.
"Disgusting. It's raw, the pasta is undercooked. It's soggy, the spinach and tomatoes are mushy. There's not enough seasoning." The Chef was, to say the least, not impressed.
"Take it back. Do it again" He said before throwing the plate in the trash. Luna felt her temper slipping.
"And what is wrong with this one might I ask you? I have been cooking for a thousand years! What do YOU know about cooking compared to I!?" Luna had, entirely, started to lose her cool.
Luna evidently failed to impress Chef Ramsay with any of her dishes and the kitchen was filled with palpable tension and anger. The two faced off, an unstoppable force meeting an unmovable mountain.
"It's. Fucking. RAW! You CUNT! I wouldn't feed this garbage to my dying cat! Do it again you pillock!" Gordon screamed at her.
"I AM THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT! SISTER TO CELESTIA, THE RULER OF THIS NATION! YOU WILL SHOW ME RESPECT WHEN IN MY KITCHEN!" Luna had utterly lost any sense of her composure and was now using the royal Canterlot voice to shout back.
"You're the princess of cooking like shit! Fuck off ya' bloody moron! You don't deserve to be in a kitchen, you're a mockery to food!" Gordon and Luna were now inches from each other as they shouted back and forth.
Celestia finished her cup of mid day tea in the dining room before sighing, setting the cup down on a tray to be taken away.
"I-Is something, wrong, Princess?" Her servant asked, nervously looking towards the kitchen.
"Oh, it's nothing, they've just been doing this for three hours." She said blankly.
A plate came flying from the kitchen and smashed against the wall several feet from where Celestia and her servant were conversing.
"YOU DARE TO DEFILE MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS LIKE SUCH!?" Luna, again, boomed in her royal Canterlot voice.
"Fuck off you twat!" Gordon screamed back.
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For Luna's next dish she had prepared a potato and rosemary soup with shallots, leeks, and mushrooms. She beamed with pride as she plated what she believed to be her best work yet. She eyed Gordon as he inspected the steamy bowl of soup in front of him.
"Mhm. It smells fragrant. It looks, edible." He examined every detail of the Alicorns creation, and so far, was pleased to an extent and he prepared to taste it.
"Yes. Creamy texture, but under seasoned. The potatoes taste undercooked in the middle and are mushy towards the outside. Did you- Did you put these straight into boiling water?" He asked Luna inquisitively.
"Er.. Aye, I did. Is that not what one does when they cook a potato?" She responded meekly.
"Bloody hell. No wonder these potatoes taste like shit. The mushrooms are just, disgusting, they've watered it down and just drawn from any flavor that was even in the dish! You have a creamy texture but no background! You've butchered it, you took every good thing in this soup and ruined it! Come on! You should know you don't boil the fucking potatoes straight away you wanker! How can I help if you're such a bastard idiot!"
Luna was, for all intensive purposes, a god. A lonely god, one that looked at the stars and the moon, the same moon she was trapped on for a thousand years by her lovely sister. One would assume, such a god, would not to be trifled with. That was until said god met Gordon Ramsay.
"That is slanderous! You dislike it on purpose! I am over a thousand years old, you're but a child compared to me, I've done things which you would fail to fathom!" She proclaimed proudly.
"Yeah and I'm the Queen of fuckin' England, fuck off you purple fucking donkey. If you think you can cook, then you're truly taking the fuckin' piss!"
At this point, Gordon and Luna were eye to eye and furiously breathing down each other's necks.
"I could have you imprisoned! Nay, executed! I could destroy you with magic you wouldn't believe!" She stood fast and held her ground against the angry British Chef.
"Well, fucking do it then you cunt! It'd save me from having to eat this fucking garbage!"
Luna visibly shook with anger and seething rage, surely a lesser mortal would have cowered in fear by now, but no, not Gordon. Luna was truly frustrated with the angry man's resolve. Gordon and Luna backed away from each other to calm down, and not before too long things were back to a smooth operation and they had decided to give dessert a try. Gordon instructed Luna on how to prepare a simple dish; Creme brulee.
The kitchen was calm for a while as Gordon taught the Alicorn how to make the simple, yet delicious decadent treat. He left her to her own and patiently waited. Thirty minutes passed and Luna emerged with an innocent and confident smile, clearly hopeful to finally impress Chef Ramsay.
Gordon inspected the Creme Brulee and was, very visibly, unhappy.
"Darling.. what.. what the FUCK is this?" He said. Picking up a spoon he tapped the caramelized sugar, a sound like glass reverberated throughout the kitchen.
"This is a disaster. This sugar is so fucking burnt and oily the United States tried to invade my fucking plate to drill it for oil." He broke the sugar top and inspected the inside of it carefully before tasting it.
"Fucking christ. It's watery, soupy even! No flavor, it's clearly undercooked and just, absolutely, garbage." Gordon pushed the plate away from him before standing up, walking over to the sink and rinsing his mouth out. An act Luna was not very happy of.
"YOU VEX ME FOR THE LAST TIME! I SHALL NOT BE SUBJECT TO THIS KIND OF RIDUCLE FROM YOU!" Luna had murder in her eyes and a wild aura about her. Somebody was, unfortunately, about to die.
Celestia entered the kitchen, deciding now was the time to put an end to this and mend the situation.
"Now now. Gordon. Lulu. I'd prefer not having one, or both of you, die in my kitchen. Let's settle this the best way possible, shall we?" She said with a sly smile. "Gordon, Luna. You will both prepare me a dish and I will sample it, whichever I like the best, wins. Those are the terms, dinner is in two hours." She left as quickly as she came. Gordon and Luna turned to face each other.
"Oh shit." Gordon said.
"This is preposterous!" Luna remarked.
The two looked at each other for a moment before madly racing off to destroy the kitchen. God help whatever poor servant had to clean up that night.
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Celestia sat at the elegant dining table, a glass of blackberry wine to accompany her. Luna and Gordon approached with their dishes covered, as to not reveal the secret. They both sat the dish down to each side of Celestia before retreating to the other end of the table.
The benevolent goddess of the sun started with Gordon's dish.
"Gordon, what have you prepared for me this evening?" She said while revealing his dish.
"It's an egg white omelet filled with sautéed mushrooms, shallots and sun-dried tomatoes served with roasted red potatoes finished with a creamy thyme sauce." He explained.
Celestia unveiled her sister's dish.
"And you, Lulu?" She asked.
"Why yes! It is a delicious walnut and orange salad with a raspberry and mint puree atop it! Something I myself have quite grown fond of making if I dare boast" She proudly replied.
Celestia sat for a moment as both Gordon and Luna stared in silence, the tension between the two so thick it could be cut with a butter knife.
"As supreme ruler of Equestria, god of the sun and eternal Princess, I have made a decision." She spoke. Luna and Gordon turned to each other, visibly confused. What proceeded would forever cement Celestia in Equestrian history, for no other ruler before her, or surely after her, if such a time comes, would ever live up to quite the act of epic, nay, god-like mischief.
"I have decided. I want McDonalds." Celestia arose from the table and proceeded to leave towards the door. "Are you two joining me?" she said, smiling like the evil god she was.
"YOU DASTARDLY CUNT!" Gordon screamed while throwing the omelet on the ground.
"TIA! WHY HATH YOU BETRAYED ME!" Luna boomed in the Royal Canterlot voice, her anger besting her judgement as she sent the salad flying through the window. Celestia could still hear them fighting from half the castle away.
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Luna and Gordon sat in the middle of the dining room, tables and chairs strewn about, a few broken windows and one very upset maid around them.
"Right. Shall we go join your sister? Quite frankly, I could go for a small fry." Gordon said.
"Yes, quite. I think I would like that." Luna replied. The two left the room to go after Celestia. The maid stood, surveying the damage before sighing.
"I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit." She said as she started to clean.
Author's Note
Thank you, Coffee, for giving me this idea as I was watching Kitchen Nightmare. God this is retarded, and it's probably garbage too rofl!
