Your Money or Your Life

by Gulheru

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 2222

When mugged, it is good to encounter a professional. And Princess Cadance is lucky to... meet a true expert?

Princess Cadance, just like everypony else, needs some time of leisure from her many duties. While Shining Armor is taking care of their daughter, Cadance enjoys her lone trips to the nearby Nephrite Forest, where she can be away from all of her burdens and obligations for at least a short while.

She was simply destined to get mugged eventually, wasn’t she? Why not by somepony who takes his job very seriously.

Also available in Mandarin Chinese (translation by keplebletbett) and Spanish (translation by SPANIARD KIWI).

Published 2016-08-23 21:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-23 21:00:02 UTC

Of Princesses and Highwayponies

The day was lovely. Subjectively and objectively speaking.

Amongst the emerald leaves the wind was rustling, murmuring, whispering wonderful tales of nature and tranquility. The rays of sunshine were weaving themselves through the foliage, illuminating the glade in an enchanting light. And the throngs of birds were singing their enthralling, brilliant arias. If one would stop and listen, they could have heard clearly the words of their hidden, avian language!

“Your money or your life.”

... huh, ruthless birds.

Wait, what?

Cadance almost missed the sentence, her mind wandering freely while she herself sauntered through a most lovely glade. Her eyes widened and her heartbeat gained in tempo in an instant at the sudden declaration. More out of astonishment than fear, but still!

She could expect a lot from the enchanting, and “enchanted” as many claimed, Nephrite Forest. Peace and quiet, for once. A break from her usual responsibilities. Crystal berries aplenty to pick. An occasional bunny.

But highwayponies, especially hiding in the immediate vicinity of thick bushes, were a definite novelty.

“Oh, uhm,” Cadance tried to respond to such a sudden and final ultimatum, “could you repeat, please?” she asked with the impossible to hide surprise.

The occupied greenery shook. “Hmmm, perhaps the foliage is indeed too dense to avoid distortion of the sentence. Unacceptable. Memorized for future reference.”

Cadance’s eyebrows began a predestined journey towards the sky above. What was that supposed to mean?

The curtain of verdant leaves parted and, to her further surprise, a stallion, seemingly an earth pony, stepped towards her. He was wearing a quite convincing and concealing outfit put together from various branches and pieces of foliage. And a makeshift club was strapped to his side.

“Pardon me for the inconvenience, ma’am, I rush to repeat the necessary formula.” He bowed his head with respect. “Your money or your life,” he, indeed, reiterated his sentence with the rather unexpected decorum and professionalism. Even a small, polite smile.

Cadance blinked. She could not do much more in this set of circumstances.

“Excuse me, am I being robbed?”

The culprit cocked an eyebrow. “The construction of the formula consisting of the threat of immediate physical demise avoidable by the transference of material belongings to the demanding party should indicate that. Unless, once more, I have not been clear enough with my intention. Allow me to grant you the second, clear notification then, ma’am, as it is proper and polite.” His smile only gained in kindness. “Your money or your life.”

Even though Cadance felt... remarkably better, being faced with such a well-mannered stallion, the situation was not really clearing itself up. And she didn’t mind telling him just that.

“No, the situation is not really clearing itself up.”

The highwaypony only nodded his head, the amicable expression never losing its sincerity.

“Oh, please do not worry, ma’am, I am prepared to offer an extended explanation, to avoid the want of understanding,” he declared in a way which lacked any signs of mischief whatsoever. He reached in between the folds of his disguise, producing a parchment he then unrolled before his muzzle. He began reading, his tone official, descriptive.

“The demanding party lays claim to the opposing party’s material belongings, be them carried, worn, levitated, or secreted away in various bodily orifices; consisting of currency, luxury goods, deeds of ownership, bills of exchange et cetera, et cetera, hereinafter: ‘money’.

“Failure in transference of money shall be followed, to the demanding party’s discretion, with a physical assault leading to mutilation, crippling and/or death of the opposing party, collectively described by the designation: ‘your life’, and the subsequent, unopposed acquiring of money.”

The stallion recited in a steady, easy to follow tempo, constantly assuring himself by quick, sharp glances that Cadance was grasping the message. He stayed silent for a moment afterwards, hiding away the paper.

“Has this provided information answered any doubts you might have had, ma’am?”

“Well... yes, in fact!” Cadance had to admit. She had never before felt so informed about the nature of a robbery! “You are quite prepared for your job, mister...?”

“Basis, Legal Basis, ma’am,” the pony revealed his name without any hesitation or shame, but politeness.

“Well, Mr. Basis, uhm, might I ask you some... additional questions before we... proceed?”

“Why, of course, ma’am, I will gladly provide you with all the answers, if only I do possess them and they are not under the ‘strictly confidential’ clause. Oh!” He raised his hoof from under his disguise. “I just need to repeat the formula, so that we can continue. Forgive me, it’s a requirement and a necessity. Your money or your life.”

“Of course, we mustn’t forget this is an official matter. I completely understand!” Cadance admitted, only afterwards realizing that she must have been thoroughly confused by the stallion’s competent approach. He was still trying to rob her, for aunt Celestia’s sake! “So, Mr. Basis, might I ask... why exactly are you trying to...?”

“Ma’am, I am working in the mugging field, after all. The act of robbery, or ‘brigandage’, is necessary to perform and replicate according to the praxis and custom. There are also the performance reports that need to showcase that the quotas have been met, ma’am.”

“... performance reports?” Cadance asked, absolutely flabbergasted. “Are you... working for somepony, then?”

“Oh no, ma’am, I’m a freelancer,” Legal Basis assured, his tone official. “However, the lack of immediate supervision does not justify abstaining from preparing those reports.”

Cadance’s head was spinning. This had to be some sort of dream. Or a heat mirage! Perhaps she hadn’t been drinking enough water lately...

“May... may I sit down?”

The stallion, without a word, was already onto her request. He stepped into the bush he was occupying, taking out a sleeping mat and spreading it before her.

“Here you go, ma’am. I hope everything is alright, but rest assured that I do possess the necessary knowledge to deal with a sudden loss of consciousness. But, to perhaps avoid it utterly, might I offer you some tea?”

Tea?

“Yes, that w—”

Before Cadance could finish, a portable brewing stand had been set up before her. Legal Basis was already working with the firestones while she sat down, checking her forehead.

M-maybe she had a fever...? Hopefully that was it.

“I do not have a vast selection, ma’am, but I can offer some chamomile, prepared just for the occasion. The procedure can sometimes invoke anxiety attacks from the robbees, indeed.” The stallion sent her another brilliant, calm smile. “Please, it shall take a while, would you have any further inquiries before we finalize the deal?”

“Uhm... Ah...” Cadance began gathering all of the remaining sane thoughts left in her brain. There weren't too many of those at the moment. “May those questions be personal...?” she suddenly heard herself asking.

Legal Basis furrowed his brow. “I’d rather not mingle my profession with anything personal, ma’am.”

“Oh, yes, of course! Naturally,” she replied, trying to calm down and preserve those faint remnants of her scrambled mind. “How about... uhm... something personal about me...?”

“Pardon?”

“Like... you do know who I am, yes?”

“Without question, ma’am,” Legal Basis affirmed. “Mi Amore Cadenza, occupation: Princess, current residence: Crystal Empire, married, age—”

“Alright, that’s quite enough,” Cadance stopped him abruptly, shaking her head. “And... that does not concern you, Mr. Basis?”

The stallion blinked. “In what way should I be concerned, ma’am?”

“Well... in a ‘I am robbing royalty’ kind of way?”

“Ma’am!” Legal Basis seemed touched. “It would be a sign of favoritism and injustice, not following the correct procedures only because of your social status, means and possible connections!”

“... huh?” Cadance raised her eyebrows even further than she had been doing so far. Which was an achievement in itself.

“Yes, without question! Inequity cannot be tolerated, even when dealing with the most prominent members of nobility, or monarchs! I dare say, especially then!”

“I... see. So, be it a tinker, tailor, soldier, spy – your money or your life?”

“Your money or your life,” the stallion responded almost with veneration.

“Quite the work ethic,” Cadance could not help but praise his objectivism.

“Thank you, ma’am. Simply doing my part for the society,” Legal Basis assured humbly. When the kettle started whistling, he quickly poured the water into a metal cup and covered it for the tea to steep for a minute.

Considering the precision of his movements, he really wasn’t doing this for the first time.

“But why, uhm... help the society by being a highwaypony, if I may ask?” Cadance pressed the topic.

The stallion sat more comfortably, staring down, giving the metal cup a firm look which it didn’t deserve.

“The realm’s economy, mostly, ma’am. The market is oversaturated with ponies with degrees similar to mine, but I refuse to reap the benefits of social assistance when I am perfectly capable of taking on a paid employment.”

Cadance mused on those words, leaning forward a little bit. “You... have a law degree perchance, Mr. Basis?”

“Valedictorian, ma’am,” he replied, still grinning mildly when they crossed gazes. “How did you guess?”

“A shot in the dark, really. Still, choosing to rob others seems... extreme, even when faced with unemployment...” she pointed out.

“I have given it a thought, yes,” Legal Basis admitted, checking the tea. “There you go, ma’am,” he offered Cadance the cup. “Be careful, it’s warm.”

“Thank you, Mr. Basis,” she accepted the brew and tasted it. It had nice quality to it. “Do continue, please.”

“I considered other possibilities first, ma’am, but, ultimately, it turned out that many corporate positions are based on avoidance of certain regulations,” he accentuated, his eyes watching her intently from under the leafy hood. “But me notifying my superiors of those negative practices kept ending on official reprimands for me, rather than reparative actions or scheduled inspections. Faced with such a dictum, I have concluded that there has to be a profession that allows a pony to remain true to a strict set of rules, even if a self-imposed one.”

“How interesting...” Cadance pondered, enjoying more of the chamomile. “And I suppose that the highwaypony occupation has given you an opportunity to adhere to a... specific creed...”

“Indeed, ma’am,” Legal Basis immediately confirmed.

“And you follow it despite having no supervision?”

“As I have hinted already, laws and rules should be abided by regardless, ma’am.”

“That is a praiseworthy stance, Mr. Basis,” Cadance had to admit. “If... distinctive nowadays.”

“You are very kind, ma’am,” the stallion replied and his smile only grew. “Oh, do forgive me, but the passing of time does require me to remind you – your money or your life.”

“Of course, I haven’t forgotten!” she assured. “A magnificent brew,” she praised the tea, slowly finishing it.

“Thank you, ma’am, it is my pleasure.”

As it happened, alongside the drink forth came an idea.

After Cadance had handed him back the cup, the stallion began dismantling the brewing stand swiftly.

“I will require your final statement on the matter at hoof quite soon, ma’am, I am afraid. I still have two more robberies to conduct today to meet the quota.”

“Right, right...” Cadance agreed without hesitation. “Yet... how about I present you with a... counter-proposal after all, Mr. Basis?”

The stallion paused for a moment. He sent her a truly curious gaze. “... this is quite unexpected. As of yet, eighty-four percent of the robbees chose ‘your money’...”

Cadance froze in an instant. “A... and the remaining sixteen?”

Legal Basis shrugged. “Genuinely bankrupt. I was forced to utilize the Heroic Outlaw Conscience Clause and grant them financial aid,” he stated formally. “This is a precedent, however. Are you willing to reach modus vivendi, ma’am? An arrangement?”

She smiled at him cordially, now completely relieved. “I think so, Mr. Basis. You seem like a pony that can be trusted to deal with matters that require heeding to certain, most convoluted regulations for the sake of fairness...”

The stallion squinted his eyes, stepping back a little. “And that would constitute a substitution for...?”

“Me not granting you ‘money’, in a way.”

“... whilst simultaneously avoiding the physical assault, yes?” He furrowed his brow. “I am willing to hear the proposition, but it shall not be an easy bargain, ma’am,” he loyally warned.

Cadance actually found enough daring in herself to giggle. “I think I can convince you, Mr. Basis. I believe that my offer shall be both to your liking and offering you an opportunity to utilize the experience you have in your current field.”

Legal Basis cocked an eyebrow.

“I’m listening, ma’am.”

***

“So, yes! That is exactly how I found our new tax-collector!” Cadance declared with an enormous grin on her muzzle.

Twilight’s jaw went slack a long time ago, but right then it was a pure miracle which was keeping it attached to the rest of her face.

“Although,” Cadance admitted, abashed, “we have found out that Mr. Basis still has a few... habits that he finds difficult to break.”

In the distant chamber of the Crystal Treasury, yet another shaking petitioner was waiting, dreading what was about to happen. Legal Basis was sitting on the other side of the desk, a warm, satisfied smile on his muzzle, ready to turn to the necessary formula.

“Your money or your life.”