RGRE Slut Pirate Anonby brzyChaptersChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 1“No.” “What the fuck do you mean ‘no', Twiggles?” “Stallions can’t own a boat! Don’t you know what happens when a filly and a Colt are stuck together out on the water?!” She blushes furiously as her eyes glaze over and she continues. “The cool ocean breeze fluttering the sail… The stars glittering on a clear night sky, a full moon overhead. The soft light falling across your stallion’s soft features, his white billowing blouse unbuttoned, as he brings you another maregharita. Losing control you force yourself upon the slutty colt, slipping socks over his hooves. Maybe a scarf too, the slut. It’s not your fault, he brought it on himself. He cries out for help but there’s no one to stop me from having my way with-“ She’s giggling and rubbing her front hoofsies together with a lewd grin on her face. Wiping the drool from her face, she looks back at Anon. “And that’s why you cant-“ Who is no longer there. He apparently wandered off at some point during her lecture. “ANOOOOON!” You are Anon, and you are back on your property. Luckily, ponies are a lot like vampires, or Canadians, in that they can’t enter your property without being invited in first. “Hey Anooooooon!” Which you wish you had known about when you first got here. You ignore the green unicorn as you continue to put the finishing touches on your boat. “It had been your dream ever since you were a young colt to sail on the ocean, free from all dry land’s stupid laws about nudity, sodomy, and bestiality. And then you somehow ended up horsemarried in Equestria to two beautiful fillies.” “Lyra, what have I said about hijacking my inner monologue?” “Do it harder Lyra, and pull on Bon Bon's tail?” “… that’ll do pony, that’ll do. Also we aren’t married.” “Are you suuure? I’d hate to see your reputation sullied after the other mares hear about what you did to Bon Bon's bu-“ “Fine, whatever, think what you want!” Your green unicorn neighbor’s smile lights up as she trots over to inspect your handiwork. It’s sleek and streamlined, a single-masted sloop maybe 100ft long. You had been worried about how you were going to move large heavy logs around but quickly discovered marshmallow ponies live in a land with marshmallow wood. Out in the Everfree you found the perfect construction material. They were like a strange mix between pine, balsa, and carbon fiber, lightweight but super strong, so you were easily able to cut and assemble the pieces. The sap was an amazing natural sealant too, binding the seams of the hull together perfectly. Yup, it had taken thousands of the Timberwolves, and it had been a bear to hunt down and harvest those last few after they combined into a giant one, but your boat was now done! “Hmm, will the three of us be enough to run this thing Anon? We could probably use one more Mare...” You knew that tone of voice. It was the same one she used when she brought Bon Bon in. Like the force of nature that was Bonnie’s earth pony booty, you found it was best to lay back and just ride it out cause it was gonna happen whether you wanted it or not. “Well, who do you have in mind?” “She’s a cute pegasus pony that Bon Bon served with back in ‘stan! Her name is Sea Shell! I bet she probably knows all about sailing!” “…Bonnie and Shell were in ‘stan?” “Yup, they were both out in Yakyakistan together! I’ve heard terrible stories, but Bon Bon doesn’t like to talk about it. Apparently Sea Shell got a lot of ribbons out there.” You are Special Agent Sweetie Drops, deep cover operative for Celestia’s Organization for the Containment of rare and magical Kryptids. The first rule of C.O.C.K.? Never fall in love. Fuck. You had one job Bon Bon. Fuck that s-stupid monkey and his stupid magic spider hooves. It wasn’t like you l-like liked him or anything. You were planning on going rogue anyways, it’s not like you burned the records and kept him out of the organization’s top secret RING Containment facility for him. “You OK Bonnie?” You nod and continue your conversation with her about Anon. Shelly always worried you. She never really came back after her stint in the ‘stanbox. No one did, really. But Shell had been especially hard hit. She had trouble holding jobs, she never got out, and she could never find herself a stallion. “He sounds nice Bons, but what could I offer a stallion like that?” She looked down at the ground as they trotted towards Anon's shore side estate. She didn’t fly much nowadays. Too many memories. “Anon’s kind of a weirdo, Shell. He’s not some prissy stallion like the others. He-” “AHOY THERE MATEYS!! WHO'S DOWN FOR SOME BOOOTAY!” You are Anon and you are pimp as fuck. Your billowing white blouse exposes just the right amount of chest and your tight leather pants leave nothing to the imagination. A sturdy pair of folded cuff leather boots and a dark weather beaten tri-corner hat cover your top and bottoms. A bright red silk belt holds your wooden sword by your side as you wave at the mares approaching your ship. Bon Bon. That’s you. Oh dear God he’s wearing it in public. The weird fetish gear Lyra had made for him when she found out about his boat fetish. He is wearing. That. In. Public. That fucking sexy sexy slut, was he trying to screw this up? Your jaw drops as you slowly turn to Sea Shell. “Permission to be boarded, Captain?” she says as she wiggles her hips and flutters her wings seductively. Shelly laughs. An actual genuine laugh. Not a polite chuckle. You breath a sigh of relief. Aaand yer Anon. “Fuck yes! Get your sexy asses up on deck.” You watch Bonny and Shelly climb the rickety scaffolding made from much smaller bits of wood that were too short or weak to use on the boat. It seemed a waste not to use the little ones too. You hold out your hand to Shell as she climbs up on deck. She takes it and takes her first tentative steps on board. “Salutations. I am required by pony law to tell you that I am a registered slut-” You pull out your slut card and show it to her. The picture is terrible, like most government ID card photos. Lyra and Bon Bon are on either side of you holding your unconscious body up like Weekend at Bernies, hooves sticking out the arms of the coat. You point your thumb at Lyra and Bon Bon. “Registered to these two. So with that out of the way, let’s get going!” You pull out your sword and hack a piece of rope hanging beside you. It’s wood so it doesn’t cut it, but the knot you hit comes untied and a complete array of pulleys, gears, and rope begin to move overhead. Bottle of wine in hand, you hang over the front and smash it against the brow. “I christen thee, the CFS Why So Sirius!” The entire deck shifts beneath you as the entire thing begins to slide to the deep river that circles Ponyville. Chapter 2With a thunderous crash, your boat splashes into the water. You all look at each other in silence as the boat bobs up and down like a cork. “Fuck YEAAAAH!” you cry in triumph. They said it couldn’t be done. There was no way a stallion could build a boat. There was no way you could slaughter the entire local population of Timberwolves to build it! And there was no way it would float. Well fuck you Twilight, you fucking did it. “Fuck you Twilight!” You are staring her right in the eyes, because the small purple unicorn is right there on shore. Middle fingers are extended as hard as they can, though you are sure the expression is lost on her. You shake your sweet sweet can at her and turn to your crew. “Ok ladies! Let’s get the sail raised and head out to adventure!” AJ suddenly runs up to meet Twilight on the shore. “What’s wrong AJ?” “It’s the cider! All the cider is gone!” Twiggles and AJ look back to see you and the girls toasting Frosty mugs of yellow alcoholic beverages. You smile as you click the play button on your portable speaker system. You play her the song of your people. *ANY WAY YOU WANT IT THAT’S THE WAY YOU NEED IT ANY WAY YOU WANT IT!* The sail fills as you cruise away from shore. The shouts fade. “Anon! You fucking slut get your ass back here!” Day one of your new life as the pirate king. As you pulled yourself out of the warm furry pile of ponies in the Captain’s cabin, you looked out the window. Ponyville was still right where you left it. Last night you made sure you could see that Twilight could see that you could see her as you partied at anchor. But now there was something different. A large shape loomed just over the horizon. You grinned, canines flashing in challenge. It seems Twilight had stepped up her game. Leaning over, you blew a big fat rasberry on Bon Bon's tummy. The pony freaked the fuck out as she assumed some kind of kung fu stance as her marshmallow hoof flew harmlessly by your head. “God fucking dammit Anon! I told you not to wake me up like that, I could have killed you!” You laughed. Silly tiny horse thinks she can hurt you, how adorable. Leaning over, you slowly and roughly licked Lyra’s horn from the base to the tip. The unicorn shivered and whinnied as her eyes opened. “Oh, morning Anon!” “See Bonny, that’s how you are supposed to wake up.” “Fuck you monkey,” yawns the earth pone. You run your fingers up and down Sea Shell’s back, paying special attention to the base of her wings. Your drag your fingernails through her soft light colored fur, and rub your fingertips along the edge of her fluffy wings. You are rewarded when they suddenly pop out with a sound like an automatic umbrella. She wakes up with a start. “Oh geeze, oh no… not now, not like this!” “Hah. Sleep well Sea Shell?” “What? Oh, yes, it was nice sleeping in a big cuddle pile. Haven’t done that since my days in the service.” You looked over to see Lyra and Bon Bon giving each other tongue baths. “Well, I don’t mean to cut you girls off, but Twilight got herself a big old ship and is coming to take me back.” Chapter 3You are Twilight Sparkle, and things may be getting a little out of hand. Beside you stands the captain of this vessel, the Dread Pirate Blue Bean. How a Pegasus pony with a horticulture cutie mark became a wanted swashbuckler is anybody’s guess, but the mare was one of the most notorious on the Celestia’s Sea. Negotiations had been surprisingly easy. “Wears clothes all the time, ya say? Aye, I’ll catch this slut for ye, and I’ll mount him myself!” Ragged cheers and saucy horse noises rose from her motley crew of the saltiest mares you had ever seen. “No, no, there’s no need to mount him! The whole slut thing is a mistake, I don’t know where he got the card from!” You had to protect your future horsebando's honor. “Fine fine, Ye drive a hard bargain. We’ll all mount him for free then!” Winking horse noises. Oh Celestia, this was a mistake. Ye be Anon, wutwut! As you survey your motley crew of sexy small horses, you find yourself beaming with pride. All of them had played along and gotten dressed up in their outfits, in spite of Equestria treating most clothing like lingerie. Some had done it with more enthusiasm than others. “Lyra…” “Yes Nonnie?” “Over here, you’re facing the wrong way. Turn around and take off that eyepatch, you’re only supposed to wear one.” She reached up with her hoof and flipped both her eyepatches up, leaving her looking like she was very surprised. Giggling, she flashed a slightly off salute. “Aye aye Capitan!” Man, it didn’t matter what you guys did, no matter what the green unicorn always had fun. You looked over to her right. Bon Bon was also in full Pirate regalia, her wooden sword tucked in alongside her barrel. You knew in an instant she could draw the sword with her mouth, having had extensive time previously to familiarize yourself with her abilities. “You look nice Bonnie, nice to see you in something other than those black sweaters.” “Sh-shut up! Those are tactical turtlenecks, they’re part of my uniform!” “Your candy store uniform?” “…y-yeah, t-there. And nowhere else.” Nonchalant horse noises. “Well, your job is to repel boarders. Use that big ‘ol booty to knock them back.” “Sh-shut up monkey! You know you love it!” You finally came to Sea Shell. Her outfit was… confusing. She had big glasses with tape on the nosepiece, a sweater that was much to large for her, and her mane was tied up vertically out of her face with a single hair scrunchie. Your face scrunched as well. “…What kind of Pirate are you, Shell?” “I download songs and movies without paying for them!” she chirped happily. Ahh. Oh well, roll with it. “Well, since you’ve got military experience, I figure you could handle the pillow cannons.” The modern pillow cannon is a marvel of modern horse engineering. It’s made from a large tube with a crystal in it. That’s it. You stuff a pillow in, pull the string, and some magic stuff happens, expelling the pillow at high velocities. “I got it captain! You can count on me!” Pillow cannons were actually heavily controlled items in Equestria. There were forms, taxes, and long waiting periods while they roughed up your grandma for any dirt on you. Surprisingly, Bon Bon said she could get them from a friend no problem. So here you were, the Pirate King Anon, captain of the glorious CFS (Celestia’s Fucking Ship) Why So Sirius, one of the most heavily armed vessels to ever exist in Equestria, with an all female crew of adorably fluffy pones to cuddle. Feels good man. You finally made it, your dream. Who’s the crazy person now high school career counselor?! Looking back across the ocean, you see your opponent. She’s a large brig, easily double your size. Her sides bristle with canons as well. But there are in for a shock if they think you will be easy prey. The blood (sap), bones (wood), and souls (you swear there’s weird spooky noises onboard at night) of a thousand timberwolves are bound within your ship, put together with superior human design and craftsmanship. The composite sciences are nearly nonexistent in Equestria, the Sirius may as well be an airship compared to their heavy pony tech. With a smug look on your face, you jibe upwind to meet your foe. Chapter 4You knew something like this was gonna happen, you knew it! That crazy, brave, sexy, slutty, stallion was heading right for these also crazy rapey Pirate mares! But it would be OK, you’d defend his honor and talk some sense back into him. The sea was no place for a respectable stallion. You’d rescue him and he’s be so grateful he’d pat your head and tell you you were a good pony like the slut that he is, or your name wasn’t Twiggles Sperglot. … Errrr, Twilight. Twilight Sparkle. Anon and his stupid nicknames. “Steady as she goes ladies! Shelly, don’t fire till you see the nips on their teats!” You are Sea Shell, fluffiest berdhorse in Anon’s herd. And you are totally gonna do this. A system of strings and pulleys led to all the cannons, and you had the main one firmly in your mouth ready to go. You read the instructions and everything. Well, you looked at the pictures at least. Seemed easy enough. Load up the cannons with the bags, pull the string. It wouldn’t be like Yakyakistan… “FIRE!” You pull the string and the cannons roar as the fire crystals ignite the air, causing a rapid pressure spike that launches the projectile out the end of the barrel, just like in the war… *poof* *fluff* *fwoosh* Pillows land all around you. Pillows? Wait, what were we doing again? Screams break out from the other ship as heavy thuds crash against their deck and walls. White powder clouds quickly obscure the air. You see a shaky pony looking down confused at the deck, pick up her crushed Pirate hat, and stumble back into the cloud. There’s a loud ringing noise in your ears. Oh god, not again. You are Anon. Holy fuck, Sea Shell loaded up the cannons with bags of flour. Now you’re Bonnie. Holy fucking pony Jesus, why is Sea Shell such an unstoppable accidental war crime machine?! She had been quietly removed from active duty after Yakyakistan. While the brass didn’t like her methods, they loved the results, and poor Bombshell was used over and over again as their favorite tool. You watch in horror as Anon turns to Shelly. “That was fucking awesome! I didn’t even know they could do that!” “Oh-god-don’t-hate-me-forever-Anooooon!” cries the Pegasus pone. “What? Why? That was hilarious. Good job Shelly!” Be Twiggles. Things have gone so very wrong. All around you the previously marely pirates are now sitting on their haunches sneezing. You can hear Anon’s maniacal laughter along with a strange groaning noise. “Anon! This has gone way too far! Give yourself up and we can probably get you off with a tickling, a boop at the most!” Just past the cloud, the strange groan turns into a deep creaking, almost like a great beast laughing. You hear Anon’s sexy voice from within the mysterious cloud of mystery. “No Twiggles, it’s not I who will be surrendering! Girls! Prepare to board them!” Four grappling hooks shoot out from the other ship. Three find purchase on various rails and deck gratings, but one finds the sword belt of a hapless mare. She gives a startled whinny as she is suddenly pulled upwards by the unseen force of nature. It takes all her earth pony strength to hold onto the mast and not be dragged overboard. “ARRRRR! PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR BOOTIES PLUNDERED!” Anon, Lyra, Bon Bon, and a pale yellow Pegasus you’ve never seen before swing over from the other ship. The mare holding the mast suddenly loses her grip, causing her to fly up and meet the yellow pony in the air mid swing. They crash to the deck in a jumbled heap of wings, hooves, and shame. She quickly recovers, helping the pirate mare back up and saying sorry. The Mare says thanks, then they spring apart like territorial cats. The battle is short but furious, but Lyra and Anon were able to handle the majority of the pirates with their far superior fine motor control via magic and opposable thumbs. Anon also had his 50% reach, height, and weight advantage over the adorable tiny horses. Finally, all that was left was the Captain. “Surrender Blue Bean! …” Anon had to stifle a giggle. You could see it welling up inside as his cheeks puffed up, his eyes slightly closed, and he got the most ridiculous grin on his face. “Nay captain! I will not surrender until you’ve defeated me in combat! If I win I get to have my way with yo-” “Woops, dropped my sword.” He turns away and bends over to pick it up, but stumbles, knocking it further away. His tight pants hide nothing from the mares around him. “What-” “Clumsy me, accidentally kicked it into that open cabin door.” “But that’s my cabin-” “Oh good, you can help me look for it then.” One minute later, a chipper Anon walks out. “Ok, we’re done here. Grab anything alcoholic and let’s roll!” You run up to Anon, you purple unicorn face scrunched up into a caricature of disapproval. “ANON. WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?” He leaned in close by your ear. His soft voice purred out words you didn’t want to hear, yet you couldn’t stop. “I rolled her over onto her back…” He blew a warm breath into your ear, causing it to flick. “I unbuttoned my shirt…” He nibbled right at the tip of your ear, causing it to flick and twitch uncontrollably. “And I cuddled her up against my smooth chest.” “A-Anon! Y-you hussy! How dare you do that with another mare! Uh, I mean a mare you aren’t herded with!” You're Anon again. Holy fuck these tiny horses are too much fun. Purple smart was somehow blushing over her darker colored fur. You hopped right over the rail back onto the Sirius, a large barrel of what you hope is the pony equivalent of rum on your shoulder. Chapter 5You turn as you hear the distinct sound of little hoofsies clattering on the deck behind you. Purple drank is fluffing out her tuft as hard as she can to appear alpha, the strain visible on her face. “This isn’t over Anon! It’s not safe out here-!” You shush her by smooshing your finger against her lips, then wandering up and your whole palm onto her snootle. Her straining tuft retracts like an automatic umbrella, snapping shut. Sea Shell looks at her with concern, her naturally fluffy blonde Pegasus tuft easily overshadowing Twilight’s meager display. This only irritates her more. You speak to defuse the tension. “You’re right purple smart, it isn’t safe.” “Well, I am a big mare, that’s why-“ “For you.” With that, you pick up the purple autist and gently toss her off the good ship CFS Why So Sirius. She lands with a squeak back on Blue Bean’s battered ship, her landing cushioned by her larger than the average unicorn’s flank. You quickly haul in the main sheet tight to the wind, letting the jib catch the salty breeze as you turn the helm north east. Twilight’s angry purple and red face gets smaller and smaller until with a loud frustrated groan she teleports away. Be inside Agent Sweetie Drops. For expository reasons, and not for the sexy time. This is bad. You know that look. Celestia's protégé wasn’t done. There was no quit in that mare, you didn’t get to be her personal student without teats of steel. This wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. You stood by your stallion and rubbed your hoof against his firm, sexy, slutty ass as a sign of support. The fact that he didn’t complain only proved what a degenerate slut he was. If you knew Twilight, you’d bet your non serial numbered silenced short stroke cross bow that she was out preparing to escalate things further. You absentmindedly slapped his ass for good measure. The slut. You suddenly eep as Anon scoops you up in his spider hooves, throwing you and Shelly easily over his shoulder. You are stuck staring at his sexy slut ass in high too tight pants, hoofsies bouncing. Lyra trots behind you happily as you all head into the Captain’s cabin. Anon seems unconcerned leaving the helm unattended. Be Celestia. Your stallion sense is tingling. Somewhere there was a stallion being excessively lewd. You wiggle your bountiful flank to rub the excess moisture against your throne cushion as Raven calls in the next supplicant. Suddenly a wild Twilight appears! She teleports directly into the throne room, which would normally be impossible. ”Princess! I’m sorry to use your backdoor without asking permission, but it’s an emergency! Anon took off on a ship and I tried to get him back but he cuddled the pirate and took off north!” The plump purple pony princess looks the worse for wear. Splotches of white are everywhere and her mane was a mess. Her feathers were in dire need of a preening too. Her heavy mouth breathing only accentuated her mousiness. ”So… Operation S.H.E.A.T.H. was a failure…” *Strategically HEarding Anon To Her* A top secret black op designed to find the perma virgin Twilight Sparkle a horsebando, even if they had to snatch one from another dimension. Unfortunately, a double agent burned the files and the subject vanished. The trail didn’t pick up again until you received Twilight’s strange letter about an alluring monkey stallion thing round house kicking a Bug Bear in half and how it made her special place feel funny. “What was that Princess?” “Nothing, my most faithful student.” This would not do. It was problematic having a Princess of Friendship unable to get a colt friend. “Twilight. You must rescue this poor wayward stallion from his equally poor judgement. I give you leave to use the flagship of the Equestrian Royal Navy, the Dawn.” Twilight gasped. It would not be an understatement to say the Dawn was like a daughter to you, the one you could never have. Beautiful, fast, and capable of subjugating even the whimsiest of colts. You smiled. Just like her momma. ”Princess, thats-“ “No ifs ands or buts Twilight. You take the Dawn and go save your wayward stallion.” ”Bu-bu-uuuut he’s not m-m-my stallion…” She quivers into a nonsensical mess. You sigh and teleport her away before anyone else sees here like this. You grumble to yourself. “Should have stuck with Sunset…”
Chapter 1“No.” “What the fuck do you mean ‘no', Twiggles?” “Stallions can’t own a boat! Don’t you know what happens when a filly and a Colt are stuck together out on the water?!” She blushes furiously as her eyes glaze over and she continues. “The cool ocean breeze fluttering the sail… The stars glittering on a clear night sky, a full moon overhead. The soft light falling across your stallion’s soft features, his white billowing blouse unbuttoned, as he brings you another maregharita. Losing control you force yourself upon the slutty colt, slipping socks over his hooves. Maybe a scarf too, the slut. It’s not your fault, he brought it on himself. He cries out for help but there’s no one to stop me from having my way with-“ She’s giggling and rubbing her front hoofsies together with a lewd grin on her face. Wiping the drool from her face, she looks back at Anon. “And that’s why you cant-“ Who is no longer there. He apparently wandered off at some point during her lecture. “ANOOOOON!” You are Anon, and you are back on your property. Luckily, ponies are a lot like vampires, or Canadians, in that they can’t enter your property without being invited in first. “Hey Anooooooon!” Which you wish you had known about when you first got here. You ignore the green unicorn as you continue to put the finishing touches on your boat. “It had been your dream ever since you were a young colt to sail on the ocean, free from all dry land’s stupid laws about nudity, sodomy, and bestiality. And then you somehow ended up horsemarried in Equestria to two beautiful fillies.” “Lyra, what have I said about hijacking my inner monologue?” “Do it harder Lyra, and pull on Bon Bon's tail?” “… that’ll do pony, that’ll do. Also we aren’t married.” “Are you suuure? I’d hate to see your reputation sullied after the other mares hear about what you did to Bon Bon's bu-“ “Fine, whatever, think what you want!” Your green unicorn neighbor’s smile lights up as she trots over to inspect your handiwork. It’s sleek and streamlined, a single-masted sloop maybe 100ft long. You had been worried about how you were going to move large heavy logs around but quickly discovered marshmallow ponies live in a land with marshmallow wood. Out in the Everfree you found the perfect construction material. They were like a strange mix between pine, balsa, and carbon fiber, lightweight but super strong, so you were easily able to cut and assemble the pieces. The sap was an amazing natural sealant too, binding the seams of the hull together perfectly. Yup, it had taken thousands of the Timberwolves, and it had been a bear to hunt down and harvest those last few after they combined into a giant one, but your boat was now done! “Hmm, will the three of us be enough to run this thing Anon? We could probably use one more Mare...” You knew that tone of voice. It was the same one she used when she brought Bon Bon in. Like the force of nature that was Bonnie’s earth pony booty, you found it was best to lay back and just ride it out cause it was gonna happen whether you wanted it or not. “Well, who do you have in mind?” “She’s a cute pegasus pony that Bon Bon served with back in ‘stan! Her name is Sea Shell! I bet she probably knows all about sailing!” “…Bonnie and Shell were in ‘stan?” “Yup, they were both out in Yakyakistan together! I’ve heard terrible stories, but Bon Bon doesn’t like to talk about it. Apparently Sea Shell got a lot of ribbons out there.” You are Special Agent Sweetie Drops, deep cover operative for Celestia’s Organization for the Containment of rare and magical Kryptids. The first rule of C.O.C.K.? Never fall in love. Fuck. You had one job Bon Bon. Fuck that s-stupid monkey and his stupid magic spider hooves. It wasn’t like you l-like liked him or anything. You were planning on going rogue anyways, it’s not like you burned the records and kept him out of the organization’s top secret RING Containment facility for him. “You OK Bonnie?” You nod and continue your conversation with her about Anon. Shelly always worried you. She never really came back after her stint in the ‘stanbox. No one did, really. But Shell had been especially hard hit. She had trouble holding jobs, she never got out, and she could never find herself a stallion. “He sounds nice Bons, but what could I offer a stallion like that?” She looked down at the ground as they trotted towards Anon's shore side estate. She didn’t fly much nowadays. Too many memories. “Anon’s kind of a weirdo, Shell. He’s not some prissy stallion like the others. He-” “AHOY THERE MATEYS!! WHO'S DOWN FOR SOME BOOOTAY!” You are Anon and you are pimp as fuck. Your billowing white blouse exposes just the right amount of chest and your tight leather pants leave nothing to the imagination. A sturdy pair of folded cuff leather boots and a dark weather beaten tri-corner hat cover your top and bottoms. A bright red silk belt holds your wooden sword by your side as you wave at the mares approaching your ship. Bon Bon. That’s you. Oh dear God he’s wearing it in public. The weird fetish gear Lyra had made for him when she found out about his boat fetish. He is wearing. That. In. Public. That fucking sexy sexy slut, was he trying to screw this up? Your jaw drops as you slowly turn to Sea Shell. “Permission to be boarded, Captain?” she says as she wiggles her hips and flutters her wings seductively. Shelly laughs. An actual genuine laugh. Not a polite chuckle. You breath a sigh of relief. Aaand yer Anon. “Fuck yes! Get your sexy asses up on deck.” You watch Bonny and Shelly climb the rickety scaffolding made from much smaller bits of wood that were too short or weak to use on the boat. It seemed a waste not to use the little ones too. You hold out your hand to Shell as she climbs up on deck. She takes it and takes her first tentative steps on board. “Salutations. I am required by pony law to tell you that I am a registered slut-” You pull out your slut card and show it to her. The picture is terrible, like most government ID card photos. Lyra and Bon Bon are on either side of you holding your unconscious body up like Weekend at Bernies, hooves sticking out the arms of the coat. You point your thumb at Lyra and Bon Bon. “Registered to these two. So with that out of the way, let’s get going!” You pull out your sword and hack a piece of rope hanging beside you. It’s wood so it doesn’t cut it, but the knot you hit comes untied and a complete array of pulleys, gears, and rope begin to move overhead. Bottle of wine in hand, you hang over the front and smash it against the brow. “I christen thee, the CFS Why So Sirius!” The entire deck shifts beneath you as the entire thing begins to slide to the deep river that circles Ponyville.
Chapter 2With a thunderous crash, your boat splashes into the water. You all look at each other in silence as the boat bobs up and down like a cork. “Fuck YEAAAAH!” you cry in triumph. They said it couldn’t be done. There was no way a stallion could build a boat. There was no way you could slaughter the entire local population of Timberwolves to build it! And there was no way it would float. Well fuck you Twilight, you fucking did it. “Fuck you Twilight!” You are staring her right in the eyes, because the small purple unicorn is right there on shore. Middle fingers are extended as hard as they can, though you are sure the expression is lost on her. You shake your sweet sweet can at her and turn to your crew. “Ok ladies! Let’s get the sail raised and head out to adventure!” AJ suddenly runs up to meet Twilight on the shore. “What’s wrong AJ?” “It’s the cider! All the cider is gone!” Twiggles and AJ look back to see you and the girls toasting Frosty mugs of yellow alcoholic beverages. You smile as you click the play button on your portable speaker system. You play her the song of your people. *ANY WAY YOU WANT IT THAT’S THE WAY YOU NEED IT ANY WAY YOU WANT IT!* The sail fills as you cruise away from shore. The shouts fade. “Anon! You fucking slut get your ass back here!” Day one of your new life as the pirate king. As you pulled yourself out of the warm furry pile of ponies in the Captain’s cabin, you looked out the window. Ponyville was still right where you left it. Last night you made sure you could see that Twilight could see that you could see her as you partied at anchor. But now there was something different. A large shape loomed just over the horizon. You grinned, canines flashing in challenge. It seems Twilight had stepped up her game. Leaning over, you blew a big fat rasberry on Bon Bon's tummy. The pony freaked the fuck out as she assumed some kind of kung fu stance as her marshmallow hoof flew harmlessly by your head. “God fucking dammit Anon! I told you not to wake me up like that, I could have killed you!” You laughed. Silly tiny horse thinks she can hurt you, how adorable. Leaning over, you slowly and roughly licked Lyra’s horn from the base to the tip. The unicorn shivered and whinnied as her eyes opened. “Oh, morning Anon!” “See Bonny, that’s how you are supposed to wake up.” “Fuck you monkey,” yawns the earth pone. You run your fingers up and down Sea Shell’s back, paying special attention to the base of her wings. Your drag your fingernails through her soft light colored fur, and rub your fingertips along the edge of her fluffy wings. You are rewarded when they suddenly pop out with a sound like an automatic umbrella. She wakes up with a start. “Oh geeze, oh no… not now, not like this!” “Hah. Sleep well Sea Shell?” “What? Oh, yes, it was nice sleeping in a big cuddle pile. Haven’t done that since my days in the service.” You looked over to see Lyra and Bon Bon giving each other tongue baths. “Well, I don’t mean to cut you girls off, but Twilight got herself a big old ship and is coming to take me back.”
Chapter 3You are Twilight Sparkle, and things may be getting a little out of hand. Beside you stands the captain of this vessel, the Dread Pirate Blue Bean. How a Pegasus pony with a horticulture cutie mark became a wanted swashbuckler is anybody’s guess, but the mare was one of the most notorious on the Celestia’s Sea. Negotiations had been surprisingly easy. “Wears clothes all the time, ya say? Aye, I’ll catch this slut for ye, and I’ll mount him myself!” Ragged cheers and saucy horse noises rose from her motley crew of the saltiest mares you had ever seen. “No, no, there’s no need to mount him! The whole slut thing is a mistake, I don’t know where he got the card from!” You had to protect your future horsebando's honor. “Fine fine, Ye drive a hard bargain. We’ll all mount him for free then!” Winking horse noises. Oh Celestia, this was a mistake. Ye be Anon, wutwut! As you survey your motley crew of sexy small horses, you find yourself beaming with pride. All of them had played along and gotten dressed up in their outfits, in spite of Equestria treating most clothing like lingerie. Some had done it with more enthusiasm than others. “Lyra…” “Yes Nonnie?” “Over here, you’re facing the wrong way. Turn around and take off that eyepatch, you’re only supposed to wear one.” She reached up with her hoof and flipped both her eyepatches up, leaving her looking like she was very surprised. Giggling, she flashed a slightly off salute. “Aye aye Capitan!” Man, it didn’t matter what you guys did, no matter what the green unicorn always had fun. You looked over to her right. Bon Bon was also in full Pirate regalia, her wooden sword tucked in alongside her barrel. You knew in an instant she could draw the sword with her mouth, having had extensive time previously to familiarize yourself with her abilities. “You look nice Bonnie, nice to see you in something other than those black sweaters.” “Sh-shut up! Those are tactical turtlenecks, they’re part of my uniform!” “Your candy store uniform?” “…y-yeah, t-there. And nowhere else.” Nonchalant horse noises. “Well, your job is to repel boarders. Use that big ‘ol booty to knock them back.” “Sh-shut up monkey! You know you love it!” You finally came to Sea Shell. Her outfit was… confusing. She had big glasses with tape on the nosepiece, a sweater that was much to large for her, and her mane was tied up vertically out of her face with a single hair scrunchie. Your face scrunched as well. “…What kind of Pirate are you, Shell?” “I download songs and movies without paying for them!” she chirped happily. Ahh. Oh well, roll with it. “Well, since you’ve got military experience, I figure you could handle the pillow cannons.” The modern pillow cannon is a marvel of modern horse engineering. It’s made from a large tube with a crystal in it. That’s it. You stuff a pillow in, pull the string, and some magic stuff happens, expelling the pillow at high velocities. “I got it captain! You can count on me!” Pillow cannons were actually heavily controlled items in Equestria. There were forms, taxes, and long waiting periods while they roughed up your grandma for any dirt on you. Surprisingly, Bon Bon said she could get them from a friend no problem. So here you were, the Pirate King Anon, captain of the glorious CFS (Celestia’s Fucking Ship) Why So Sirius, one of the most heavily armed vessels to ever exist in Equestria, with an all female crew of adorably fluffy pones to cuddle. Feels good man. You finally made it, your dream. Who’s the crazy person now high school career counselor?! Looking back across the ocean, you see your opponent. She’s a large brig, easily double your size. Her sides bristle with canons as well. But there are in for a shock if they think you will be easy prey. The blood (sap), bones (wood), and souls (you swear there’s weird spooky noises onboard at night) of a thousand timberwolves are bound within your ship, put together with superior human design and craftsmanship. The composite sciences are nearly nonexistent in Equestria, the Sirius may as well be an airship compared to their heavy pony tech. With a smug look on your face, you jibe upwind to meet your foe.
Chapter 4You knew something like this was gonna happen, you knew it! That crazy, brave, sexy, slutty, stallion was heading right for these also crazy rapey Pirate mares! But it would be OK, you’d defend his honor and talk some sense back into him. The sea was no place for a respectable stallion. You’d rescue him and he’s be so grateful he’d pat your head and tell you you were a good pony like the slut that he is, or your name wasn’t Twiggles Sperglot. … Errrr, Twilight. Twilight Sparkle. Anon and his stupid nicknames. “Steady as she goes ladies! Shelly, don’t fire till you see the nips on their teats!” You are Sea Shell, fluffiest berdhorse in Anon’s herd. And you are totally gonna do this. A system of strings and pulleys led to all the cannons, and you had the main one firmly in your mouth ready to go. You read the instructions and everything. Well, you looked at the pictures at least. Seemed easy enough. Load up the cannons with the bags, pull the string. It wouldn’t be like Yakyakistan… “FIRE!” You pull the string and the cannons roar as the fire crystals ignite the air, causing a rapid pressure spike that launches the projectile out the end of the barrel, just like in the war… *poof* *fluff* *fwoosh* Pillows land all around you. Pillows? Wait, what were we doing again? Screams break out from the other ship as heavy thuds crash against their deck and walls. White powder clouds quickly obscure the air. You see a shaky pony looking down confused at the deck, pick up her crushed Pirate hat, and stumble back into the cloud. There’s a loud ringing noise in your ears. Oh god, not again. You are Anon. Holy fuck, Sea Shell loaded up the cannons with bags of flour. Now you’re Bonnie. Holy fucking pony Jesus, why is Sea Shell such an unstoppable accidental war crime machine?! She had been quietly removed from active duty after Yakyakistan. While the brass didn’t like her methods, they loved the results, and poor Bombshell was used over and over again as their favorite tool. You watch in horror as Anon turns to Shelly. “That was fucking awesome! I didn’t even know they could do that!” “Oh-god-don’t-hate-me-forever-Anooooon!” cries the Pegasus pone. “What? Why? That was hilarious. Good job Shelly!” Be Twiggles. Things have gone so very wrong. All around you the previously marely pirates are now sitting on their haunches sneezing. You can hear Anon’s maniacal laughter along with a strange groaning noise. “Anon! This has gone way too far! Give yourself up and we can probably get you off with a tickling, a boop at the most!” Just past the cloud, the strange groan turns into a deep creaking, almost like a great beast laughing. You hear Anon’s sexy voice from within the mysterious cloud of mystery. “No Twiggles, it’s not I who will be surrendering! Girls! Prepare to board them!” Four grappling hooks shoot out from the other ship. Three find purchase on various rails and deck gratings, but one finds the sword belt of a hapless mare. She gives a startled whinny as she is suddenly pulled upwards by the unseen force of nature. It takes all her earth pony strength to hold onto the mast and not be dragged overboard. “ARRRRR! PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR BOOTIES PLUNDERED!” Anon, Lyra, Bon Bon, and a pale yellow Pegasus you’ve never seen before swing over from the other ship. The mare holding the mast suddenly loses her grip, causing her to fly up and meet the yellow pony in the air mid swing. They crash to the deck in a jumbled heap of wings, hooves, and shame. She quickly recovers, helping the pirate mare back up and saying sorry. The Mare says thanks, then they spring apart like territorial cats. The battle is short but furious, but Lyra and Anon were able to handle the majority of the pirates with their far superior fine motor control via magic and opposable thumbs. Anon also had his 50% reach, height, and weight advantage over the adorable tiny horses. Finally, all that was left was the Captain. “Surrender Blue Bean! …” Anon had to stifle a giggle. You could see it welling up inside as his cheeks puffed up, his eyes slightly closed, and he got the most ridiculous grin on his face. “Nay captain! I will not surrender until you’ve defeated me in combat! If I win I get to have my way with yo-” “Woops, dropped my sword.” He turns away and bends over to pick it up, but stumbles, knocking it further away. His tight pants hide nothing from the mares around him. “What-” “Clumsy me, accidentally kicked it into that open cabin door.” “But that’s my cabin-” “Oh good, you can help me look for it then.” One minute later, a chipper Anon walks out. “Ok, we’re done here. Grab anything alcoholic and let’s roll!” You run up to Anon, you purple unicorn face scrunched up into a caricature of disapproval. “ANON. WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?” He leaned in close by your ear. His soft voice purred out words you didn’t want to hear, yet you couldn’t stop. “I rolled her over onto her back…” He blew a warm breath into your ear, causing it to flick. “I unbuttoned my shirt…” He nibbled right at the tip of your ear, causing it to flick and twitch uncontrollably. “And I cuddled her up against my smooth chest.” “A-Anon! Y-you hussy! How dare you do that with another mare! Uh, I mean a mare you aren’t herded with!” You're Anon again. Holy fuck these tiny horses are too much fun. Purple smart was somehow blushing over her darker colored fur. You hopped right over the rail back onto the Sirius, a large barrel of what you hope is the pony equivalent of rum on your shoulder.
Chapter 5You turn as you hear the distinct sound of little hoofsies clattering on the deck behind you. Purple drank is fluffing out her tuft as hard as she can to appear alpha, the strain visible on her face. “This isn’t over Anon! It’s not safe out here-!” You shush her by smooshing your finger against her lips, then wandering up and your whole palm onto her snootle. Her straining tuft retracts like an automatic umbrella, snapping shut. Sea Shell looks at her with concern, her naturally fluffy blonde Pegasus tuft easily overshadowing Twilight’s meager display. This only irritates her more. You speak to defuse the tension. “You’re right purple smart, it isn’t safe.” “Well, I am a big mare, that’s why-“ “For you.” With that, you pick up the purple autist and gently toss her off the good ship CFS Why So Sirius. She lands with a squeak back on Blue Bean’s battered ship, her landing cushioned by her larger than the average unicorn’s flank. You quickly haul in the main sheet tight to the wind, letting the jib catch the salty breeze as you turn the helm north east. Twilight’s angry purple and red face gets smaller and smaller until with a loud frustrated groan she teleports away. Be inside Agent Sweetie Drops. For expository reasons, and not for the sexy time. This is bad. You know that look. Celestia's protégé wasn’t done. There was no quit in that mare, you didn’t get to be her personal student without teats of steel. This wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. You stood by your stallion and rubbed your hoof against his firm, sexy, slutty ass as a sign of support. The fact that he didn’t complain only proved what a degenerate slut he was. If you knew Twilight, you’d bet your non serial numbered silenced short stroke cross bow that she was out preparing to escalate things further. You absentmindedly slapped his ass for good measure. The slut. You suddenly eep as Anon scoops you up in his spider hooves, throwing you and Shelly easily over his shoulder. You are stuck staring at his sexy slut ass in high too tight pants, hoofsies bouncing. Lyra trots behind you happily as you all head into the Captain’s cabin. Anon seems unconcerned leaving the helm unattended. Be Celestia. Your stallion sense is tingling. Somewhere there was a stallion being excessively lewd. You wiggle your bountiful flank to rub the excess moisture against your throne cushion as Raven calls in the next supplicant. Suddenly a wild Twilight appears! She teleports directly into the throne room, which would normally be impossible. ”Princess! I’m sorry to use your backdoor without asking permission, but it’s an emergency! Anon took off on a ship and I tried to get him back but he cuddled the pirate and took off north!” The plump purple pony princess looks the worse for wear. Splotches of white are everywhere and her mane was a mess. Her feathers were in dire need of a preening too. Her heavy mouth breathing only accentuated her mousiness. ”So… Operation S.H.E.A.T.H. was a failure…” *Strategically HEarding Anon To Her* A top secret black op designed to find the perma virgin Twilight Sparkle a horsebando, even if they had to snatch one from another dimension. Unfortunately, a double agent burned the files and the subject vanished. The trail didn’t pick up again until you received Twilight’s strange letter about an alluring monkey stallion thing round house kicking a Bug Bear in half and how it made her special place feel funny. “What was that Princess?” “Nothing, my most faithful student.” This would not do. It was problematic having a Princess of Friendship unable to get a colt friend. “Twilight. You must rescue this poor wayward stallion from his equally poor judgement. I give you leave to use the flagship of the Equestrian Royal Navy, the Dawn.” Twilight gasped. It would not be an understatement to say the Dawn was like a daughter to you, the one you could never have. Beautiful, fast, and capable of subjugating even the whimsiest of colts. You smiled. Just like her momma. ”Princess, thats-“ “No ifs ands or buts Twilight. You take the Dawn and go save your wayward stallion.” ”Bu-bu-uuuut he’s not m-m-my stallion…” She quivers into a nonsensical mess. You sigh and teleport her away before anyone else sees here like this. You grumble to yourself. “Should have stuck with Sunset…”
